Original subtitles

[Jonathan hums happy tune]

[humming continues]

[whistles]

Good morning. Good morning.

Well, you certainly had a good sleep.

You were dead to the world when the alarm clock rang.

Quarter to eight, Tine. I've been up for 15 minutes.

Come on, Tine. Get up.

[hums]

For God's sake, Tine, snap to it.

[humming]

Wish I could understand what's the matter with you these days.

I'm really very worried about you.

Take the way you look. You don't look well.

Your color's rotten. You act as if you're exhausted.

How could you be exhausted

the minute you get up in the morning?

What's more. You're too thin, for God's sake.

Oh, you used to have a terrific figure.

You've gotten so bloody skinny.

And that God awful hair of yours.

Just... hanging down.

No style. Well...

Maybe you don't care what you look like

in front of me and the girls...

but what about the rest of the world?

You're Mrs. Jonathan Balser.

My wife.

My wife is a reflection of me.

I'm only telling you this,

because I am deeply concerned about you, Tina.

Tina, for God's sake,

do you know what you're doing to your lungs?

To say nothing of your heart.

Do you know what you're doing to your whole circulatory system?

Don't you have any willpower at all?

[buzzing]

Put it out, Tine.

This is the softest four-minute egg I ever saw.

If it is a four-minute egg.

Hey, Tine, is this a four-minute egg?

Your mother made Phi Beta Kapa at Smith,

but I don't think she can make a four-minute egg.

[sighs] Will you look at those trunks?

Back from the country over two weeks.

She hasn't unpacked those bloody trunks yet.

Hey, Tine... better call an agency,

get a laundress over here so you can unpack those trunks.

Is my bacon ready yet? Twenty past eight.

Some more toast, Tine.

Hey, Tine, why don't you get cracking on a thorough

fall house cleaning campaign around here?

Get the floors waxed. Get the windows washed.

Get this place looking as if civilized people

are in residence. Hmm?

Gee, that's a little light, isn't it?

I'm sorry. I hurried it.

Sweetie, can I have a little more damson plum preserve,

please?

That was Hodison on the phone. We're flying to Wichita at noon.

Will you please pack my bag for me, Tine?

I'll send Miss Newby by for it in about an hour.

Better pack my gray Glen-plaid worsted from Sills

and four pairs of gray Lisle socks.

And since I'll be in court most of the time,

give me four pale blue shirts, two Oxford Voile,

two Sea Island cotton.

I'll leave the ties up to you, but keep the suit in mind.

Don't forget my robe from Turnbill and Asser.

And my black wing-tipped shoes. Not the new ones.

The ones I ordered last year from Peal's.

And put everything in my oxblood cowhide tan two suiter,

the one from T. Anthony.

[dog barks]

[horn honks]

[machine rumbling]

- [doorbell buzzes] - [dog barks]

[inaudible speech]

[sirens wailing]

[vacuum cleaner buzzes]

[machine buzzes]

[telephone rings]

[inaudible speech]

- [doorbell buzzes] - [dog barks]

- [doorbell buzzes] - [dog barks]

[inaudible speech]

- [doorbell buzzes] - [dog barks]

[inaudible speech]

[tiles shatter]

Jonathan: Holy Jesus. God.

Jonathan. You're back. I didn't hear you come in.

Christ, don't you ever get any ice out for this thing?

What's the matter? Did something happen?

Yes, something happened. My plane almost crashed

That's what happened.

Trouble with the landing gear.

Circled Kennedy for about an hour.

Then the pilot decided to try it.

That's what he told us on the intercom.

- He'd try it. - Poor darling.

Whole emergency squad was waiting for us.

Foam trucks, ambulances... What's this?

God, you know I hate crummy Chinese food.

I didn't expect you back till tomorrow.

Let the girls eat it. I wanna go out.

- I'll fix you a hamburger. - I don't want a damn hamburger.

I want a good dinner, out, with some friends.

Let's get somebody to go to Elaine's with us.

It's after 6:00. They're probably all tied up.

I'm gonna take shower. Line up a sitter and call the Willards

or call the Bards. Get somebody!

Well, what's new? Anybody call while I was gone?

Here comes rapture.

- Charlotte Rady called. - Ch... Charlotte Rady?

Wow! Why didn't you say so?

She's giving a benefit for Joe Nemlo

when his show opens at the Flagan Gallery.

Boy, oh, boy.

Gee, I wonder what made her call now?

I mean, I wonder what made her invite us, now?

We-We met her over a year ago.

Why... what suddenly made her decide that we were...

- you know, eligible. - Eligible?

Maybe...

Maybe it's because she saw us at the Hamptons.

Oh, man. Were we smart to spend the summer out there.

Ah! "Buena" sera. "Buena" sera. Is the lamb "senja" tonight?

- Scusi? - "Senja."

The way the French fix it.

The lamb is "poco coto." The way the Italians fix it.

Well, is it rare the way the Americans like it?

- Rare, signore. - I'll have the lamb.

Me too and I like to see the wine list.

No, no, no list.

I bring you a nice bottle of Barolo.

[scoffs] I happen to want a Lambrusco.

No Lambrusco. Barolo.

Well, then be sure to make it a '65.

Ah, '65 is a very bad year, sir. I bring you '64.

Fresh bastard.

Well, one thing's clear. We gotta give a big party.

Why is that clear?

I-I mean how big a party do you have in mind?

Ah, about a 100 people. Sort of a cocktail buffet.

Ah, those crummy little dinners we used to have

don't mean a thing. Hmm-mm. We're way beyond that now.

Can I have another drink, Jonathan?

I'm gonna get Beaumont to do the party.

The man the Willis' and the Bards' use.

But he's so pretentious.

Pretentious, pretentious. What the hell does that mean?

Just what the dictionary says.

Look, don't start worrying about it now.

Beaumont's booked months ahead.

I probably won't be able to get him until Christmas time.

Think you can have the silver polished

by Christmas time, Tine?

Now what's the matter?

God's sake. Get a hold of yourself, will you?

People are staring at you.

Coraggio.

Huh? What the hell did he say?

Good night, Jonathan.

Hey, Tine...

how about a little old roll in the hay?

Jonathan, not tonight. I'm...

too tired.

Christ, is there anything you can do anymore?

Don't worry. I'm not gonna demand my rights

as a husband and provider around here.

One thing I am gonna demand,

we're invited to Joe Nemlo's studio tomorrow night.

I want you to pull yourself together.

And do something about that God awful hair of yours.

* [rock music plays]

What if somebody drops a lighted cigarette in here?

This whole damn place is a fire trap.

Fire trap? You must be mad.

Why do you have to hang on to me?

Ruddy insecure.

- What do you want to drink? - Vodka.

If this whole crowd tried to get out at once,

they'd trample each other to death.

My God, do you feel the floor shaking?

This whole damn thing is going to collapse.

I'm going over to talk to Elliott Asher.

- Who? - You know, Real Estate.

The developer. Over there, with Charlotte Rady.

Don't hang on to me. Circulate.

Excuse me.

I noticed you've been hanging around this doorway

all evening long. I wonder, did you happen to see a tall,

skinny blonde with horned rims come in or go out?

What makes you think I've been hanging

around this door all evening?

Is there anybody else here with an aborigine hairdo?

Did you see her? Tall, skinny blonde?

- No. - Horned rims are green.

- No. - Sure?

About six feet, skinny as hell. You couldn't miss her.

- That's clear. - You didn't see her?

- No. - Oh, that lying tart.

That's a terrible thing to say about a lady.

Oh, screw off, Pocahontas.

I'm going to report you to women's lib.

You're married to old, uh...

what's his name? That Balser, aren't you?

His name is Jonathan.

How long have you been married to old Jona-thing?

What's it to you?

How old are you? Twenty-eight, 29?

It's none of your business.

Easy, baby, easy.

You know, you're in terrible shape.

Why are you cross-examining me?

- You interest me. -Oh...

because I'm in such terrible shape.

Well...

what's the matter with you couldn't be clearer.

Too bad you're not my type.

You look like a cannibal. Cheap and dry.

* [rock music plays]

Hey, see you were talking to George Prager.

- Who's George Prager? - The writer!

Didn't you recognize him, for God's sake?

- What's he like? - Charming. Just fascinating.

Jonathan, I'd like to go home. I'm starved.

Elliott Asher asked us to go to La Cope Bask with him

and his... assistant, a girl named Margo.

I only want a sandwich.

You can get a sandwich at La Cope Bask.

You can get any damn thing you want.

Oh, that was an incredible Chateau Cheval Blanc

Elliott ordered. Hmm.

Nineteen forty-five.

- Something, huh? - [yawns] Uh-huh.

Did you notice how respectful the wine steward was?

Boy, oh, boy. Elliott's a fantastic guy. Don't you think?

I thought Margo was very sweet, too.

You suppose he's sleeping with her?

Well, if he is, it isn't a totally

- satisfactory arrangement. - What makes you say that?

Because I had to keep removing his sweaty hand

from my knee all through dinner.

What'd you do to your hair?

Held it under water till it drowned.

All right. All right.

I'm perfectly willing to admit I'm wrong, when I'm wrong.

You sore at me?

Don't be silly, Jonathan.

How long will it take to dry?

About a half an hour.

- Why? - Well...

I thought...

when it's dry...

we might try a little old roll in the hay.

Something stinks.

Look.

You bloody well better clean that up

- before Daddy gets home. - Jonathan: Hi, girls.

Liz: Lulu was a very bad dog today.

Sylvie: Lulu made a mess on the rug.

Liz: Right there. See?

You can still see it. It smells awful.

[footsteps approach]

Do you realize that that rug will have to be sent out

to the cleaners all over again?

Good evening, Jonathan.

Did you forget to walk that dog?

I forgot to leave the light on. She's afraid of the dark.

That dog is not a normal dog. That dog is neurotic.

We ought to get rid of that dog.

- What are we having for dinner? - Steak.

Steak. Mmm.

This wine ought to be very good with that.

Oh, this is a very, very nice Porterhouse.

Beautifully marbleized. In fact, it looks so nice,

I think I'll make a Caesar salad out of this Romaine.

Do you have all the fixings? Anchovies, croutons?

- Everything, Jonathan. - Good. Any calls?

Ah, Mr. Asher called. He wants you to call him back, tonight.

Ah, I think...

if I play my hand right,

he's going to let me in on a good thing.

- A very, very good thing. - What's that?

Well, he's getting a group of investors together

to buy a vineyard in France. How does that sound, Tine?

We'd be right in there with the Rothchild's, wouldn't we?

Of course we can't expect a high return

on our capital right away, but that's not the point.

What is the point?

Well, we wanna maximize the quality of the wine.

You know, like Jock Whitney with horses,

improve the breed.

- Who's "we"? - One of the investors

is Marty Houseman, the film producer.

Could be a very friendly dividend for me, Tine.

A way for me to get into films.

- Films? - Sure, sure.

I know I have a creative potential in that field

with my visual imagination. I mean, look at this apartment.

With my instinct for stories and scripts,

I could be a producer too.

A producer? You're a lawyer.

I'll never be happy just doing one thing.

I have to express myself in many different ways.

That's the kind of man I am.

- A renaissance kind of man. - You know...

sometimes I wonder if I didn't take the wrong turning

when I got out of Harvard.

Maybe...

I mean, instead of going to law school,

I should have gone to Paris and written a novel or...

maybe come down to New York, fooled around in the theatre.

Shouldn't have blocked my creativity the way I did.

I'm a very creative kind of person.

- What do you think of that? - That's a creation.

Mother, you're not going to wear that outfit, are you?

Tina: What's wrong with this outfit?

- It shows all your "bos." - My what?

- "Bos," bosoms, you know. - The word for them is breasts.

I have asked you a 100 times

to call things by their proper names.

- They're disgusting. - What's disgusting?

The names for things you want us to use.

Vagina, for God's sake.

Do you think that poo-poo and poh-poh,

and thing and down there are nicer?

You mustn't be ashamed of natural functions.

I suppose you think that's natural outfit?

Cut so low, your... breasts are hanging out?

[doorbell buzzes]

That must be Mrs. Prinz.

I can't stand Mrs. Prinz. She smells like a wet dog.

Mrs. Prinz.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Balser.

Good night, girls.

Two little daughters, so full of love, so sweet.

- Bless their hearts. - Sure.

I have two sons My sons I never see.

- Uh-huh. - Not a phone call even.

Why can't my sons make a phone call once a week?

Maybe they could spend a dime

to find out they have a mother...

- Uh-huh. - ...living and breathing

with my emphysema, yet. Not dead in the grave.

I don't sleep nights thinking how cruel my sons are to me.

They can stay up until the end of this program, Mrs. Prinz.

- After that, lights out. - Uh, Mr. Balser,

before you go, please.

It's a miracle I didn't break the leg.

I don't sleep nights from the pain.

-Ah. - And doctor bills.

A poor widow like me shouldn't have doctor bills

for a crack in the pavement the city's too rotten to fix.

What I want, Mr. Balser, is you should be my lawyer

and sue the city for me.

I don't handle personal injury cases, Mrs. Prinz.

Last Tuesday, broad daylight,

on Madison Avenue, in front of Rockner's stationery store.

I'm sorry. You'll have to get someone else, Mrs. Prinz.

- Goodbye, girls. - Make the city pay me,

Mr. Balser. Fifty thousand dollars.

For my pain, Mr. Balser.

[indistinct chatter]

[whispers] No idea who we are.

How dear of you to come.

How very sweet and dear of you.

And now be good little lambs and get yourselves a drink.

You know everyone here.

Oh, my God!

Did you ever see so many names in one place?

Never.

Isn't it marvelous that we've developed

such an exciting social life?

Marvelous.

Um, uh, look who's there. That's, um...

It's um... What's his name? He won the Pulitzer prize.

[indistinct chatter]

- Who's that? - Nobody. Balser's wife.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm used to paying that sort of price for something.

But it's a lot of money.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi there.

I'm Tina Balser.

We met at Joe Nemlo's party.

You were looking for a...

a tall skinny blonde with green horn rims.

Oh, yes.

Mrs. Balser. Samuel Keefer.

- How do you do? - Hello.

So, I think you ought to do that, George.

Especially since you're the most ambitious prick I know.

You and I have been friends for a long time.

Samuel: Screw friendship.

Excuse me.

Charming pair.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Hello.

We weren't laughing at you, you know.

- Oh, I didn't think you were. - Oh, yes, you did.

In case you don't know it, that's pretty looney.

Oh, go to hell.

What's the matter?

- Can't you relax? - Would you leave me alone?

Look, I came all the way over here to give you a compliment

and you act as if I'm insulting you.

- A compliment? - Yes.

I honestly didn't recognize you before.

You know, you look like a totally different woman tonight.

Tell me...

does screwing appeal to you?

What's the matter? You drunk?

Just mad.

- Looney, as you said. - Stand still. Here.

I haven't finished.

- I find this all rather boring. - You're not bored,

so, cut the crap. As a matter of fact, you're thawing.

And you're just beginning to vibrate.

You know, you excite the hell out of me.

And I excite you too, don't I?

Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

Why, this hasn't happened to me in years.

Not since I was a horny teenager.

- You're disgusting. - Stand right here.

We don't want the world to see how you affect me, do we?

How would you like to sit on my lap?

You are the most disgusting man I have ever met.

- So? - So nothing, you worm.

I noticed you're talking to George Prager.

- Yes. - Mmm. You see?

That should prove something to you.

What?

I'm damn proud you can hold your own with someone like that.

What were you talking about?

Sex.

We were talking about sex.

Sex?

That's right.

Hmm-mm. Nothing the matter with you, Tina.

- [Tina sighs] - I take it all back.

If you can banter about sex with someone like George Prager...

you're not as insecure as I thought.

- [telephone rings] - Tina: Please get that, Lottie?

Lottie: Hello? Just a moment, please.

There's a man who wants to speak to you, Mrs. Balser.

He says to tell you it's Mr. Prager.

Thank you, Lottie. I'll take it in here.

- Hello? - Hi.

Have you recovered from my shocking behavior yet?

I gave you damn near two weeks.

How are you?

Why, I'm just fine, thank you. How are you?

Okay, good. That's over.

Let's get to the point. Can I see you this afternoon?

Actually, I'd like to see you right now.

You mean you'd take me out for a drink or... or for lunch?

George: [laughs] Oh, Jesus.

Oh, really, baby.

You expect me to go through all that?

Come on. Come on. Be a big, brave girl.

Play it clean and straight, huh?

Oh, I'm not brave.

I'm a coward through and through.

Actually, I'm afraid of about everything you could name.

Yeah. And I'll name one.

Me. There's nothing wrong with that.

I find you rather exciting.

Well, about you coming over...

Um... I...

I have to go to a committee meeting at my daughter's school.

I was just on my way out.

Tomorrow. Ah, no. Tomorrow's Saturday. Monday.

Monday I promised Jonathan I'd go down

and pick out our Christmas cards for this year.

[sighs]

Your life is really full of crap, isn't it?

Look, I'm in the telephone book.

If you wanna see me, you call me.

[telephone hangs up]

Believe me, the girls are gonna be just fine.

In some cases the fever runs as high as 105.

But there's still nothing to worry about.

The thing just has to run its course.

No antibiotics can touch it.

Give them plenty of fluids and keep 'em warm.

And, uh...

don't worry if they throw up a lot in the next few days.

You'll just have to rally round with the old mop and pail.

- Will I get it? - Probably.

This thing is very contagious.

You mean my husband will get it too?

Tina!

Tina!

Tine... this damn thing makes me so thirsty.

Get me a glass of ginger ale, will you?

With lots of cracked ice?

Cracked, not cubes.

If only you would only go lie down in the living room,

I could clean up this mess.

Oh, too weak to move.

Little while ago you said you were feeling stronger.

I'm having a relapse.

- Tine? - Mmm?

Bring me a Carr's water biscuit, will you?

[TV channel hopping]

Darn.

Tina!

Tina!

Goddammit.

Tina!

Tine... I've got this terrible craving for a tall lemonade.

I'll see if there's a can in the freezer.

But Tine... I'd rather have fresh lemonade.

Make me the real old fashioned kind, Tine, with...

plenty of cracked ice and sliced lemons.

Tine?

put in a touch of grenadine, will you?

[door creaks]

You're up.

- You must be feeling better. - Oh, God, no.

I feel perfectly lousy.

- What's that you're reading? - A cook book.

- Looking for a turkey stuffing. - Oh...

Thanksgiving. Oh.

- Christ. When's that? - A week from tomorrow.

My brain's been affected by this thing.

Tina...

the invitations to our party have to out right away.

The party's not for another month.

I know, but the kind of people we're inviting

make plans two and three months ahead of time.

We'll be lucky if everybody isn't all booked up.

Would you please do them? I'd like to help you, but...

I really feel rotten.

I feel weak as a kitten.

God... I have to go back to bed.

Tina!

Tina!

Huh. Tina!

Tina!

Tin... a!

Tine, I've been thinking about the turkey stuffing.

Maybe you could do a whole different kind

of Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Not that your Thanksgiving dinners haven't been great.

But... it might be fun to jazz it up.

More... gourmet. Less classic American, you know?

That's a wonderful idea, Jonathan.

How are you coming with the invitations?

[sighs]

Finished.

I'll mail them tomorrow. No stamps in the house.

Why can't you take 'em to the post office?

It's awfully cold outside.

For God's sakes, Tina,

the post office is only four bloody blocks away.

That's true.

That's absolutely true.

What you say has a certain ring of truth.

- [telephone rings] - [typewriter keys clicking]

Yes.

- Tina: Were you working? - No, I'm not working.

Would I answer if I was working?

Oh. This is Tina Balser.

Who?

Tina Balser.

Oh. So, it's you. What's up? You wanna drink?

I thought that might be nice.

Hold on a minute.

Look, tomorrow's out. It'll have to be the day after tomorrow.

Friday at three o' clock.

You gonna change your mind? Chicken out, not show?

No.

Is this the table where you work?

I mean, well, if it is, what a wonderful view to inspire you.

Are you working on a new...

article or new book or something?

I never talk about my work... ever.

So, forget it from now on.

[sighs] Now, please, don't start.

- Start what? - Being impossible.

I am impossible. Don't you start.

Me? Start what?

- Getting all nerved up. - I am not all nerved up.

You just an... antagonize me.

That isn't exactly the word for it.

What changed your mind about coming here?

I, uh...

- I'm not very clear about that. - Well, it doesn't matter.

Point it, you are here.

It's interesting, isn't it?

That's not exactly the word for it.

You know anything about me? Aside from my work.

Everything they say is true.

Well, except for the bit about my being on stuff.

I was for a while, but not long enough...

to get in any real trouble.

I take it this is the big warning.

You can skip that.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, please, don't start that la-de-da shit with me.

It makes me wanna puke. Save it for your husband

and your charming crew of friends.

[scoffs] This is ridiculous.

- I am going home. - [screams] Sit down!

- Sit down. - I can't stay.

- You make me too mad. - You're not mad.

You're scared to death.

Goddammit, so am I.

So am I.

Baby, you are a terrific piece of ass.

Are you always that good?

No.

Hmm.

Well, so much for the compliment.

Now, what the hell do we do?

- What do you mean? - Well...

I thought you'd be good for a couple of screws,

but this could get out of hand.

Don't worry.

I have no intention of getting involved with you.

Oh.

I am the one who is not going to get involved with you.

I'm not gonna let a dizzy, mixed-up broad like you

mess me up.

Then there's nothing to worry about, is there?

Oh, I know your type.

For females like you, sex... particularly great sex...

there's got to be love.

I could never love you. Ever.

[sighs]

Could you please move a little so I can get up off this floor?

What for?

To get dressed and go home.

It's only ten past four.

You just got here.

Hey.

- George, let me go. - Why?

Cause you already--

You're reliable, aren't you?

Let's see.

[chuckling]

Oh, yes, you are.

Alive and kicking.

Tina: Mmm.

[Tina giggles]

The thing it all hangs on is,

can you have a straight sex thing or not?

It's not gonna be easy for you.

I know your type.

You said that before. What exactly is my type?

Your type is that when you were a little girl,

you brushed your hair 100 strokes every single night.

I always cheated.

And you wore white gloves and you went to dancing school.

And on your tenth birthday, you're daddy hired a magician

to entertain at your party.

And the next summer you went to camp and fell in love

with your dyke riding counselor.

Tennis counselor.

[laughs] Then you went to some pukey girls' school, didn't you?

And you edited the year book.

And then during the summer and vacation on Nantucket,

you necked your ass off with a dumb boy

from Virginia Military Institute.

He was a smart, and from Exeter.

And it was East Hampton.

Now, that get-up.

That's your type.

Why do you come here looking as if you're on your way

to a poetry reading at the Y.M.H.A.?

Instead of on my way to commit adultery on 50th Street.

Really, is that what it is to you, Mrs. Balser?

Certainly not a love affair.

Well, there are, I believe, other terms.

Save 'em... for your bloody awful books.

Hey.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You take that back.

Okay.

You're good.

You're so good...

it doesn't bear thinking about.

Oh.

Well...

Now, you tell me why you came up here thinking about it.

Because then I have to figure out why George, the writer...

is also George, the deliberately...

coarse and vulgar clod.

Oh.

Hey, what do you say we play this by ear for a while?

Okay.

Now... we will not see each other for say...

mmm, about a week. And we won't call each other.

Don't give me that smile. You're gonna wanna call me.

Now, let's say we have a date a week from today.

Same time.

During that week we will think things over.

You will think about whether you can swing this

for what it is, pure and incredible sex.

And I will think about just what I can or cannot take.

- And what does that mean? - Well, it means I'm just

not sure wanna cope with all of your emotional tantrums.

- My emotional tantrums? - You'll be crazy about me.

You really are. All crazy, weak in the knees.

And then you're gonna have tantrums

and you're gonna throw fits and you're gonna get upset

and possessive and make demands and scenes.

Listen to yourself. [mumbles]

Now, if during this week you've decided you've kicked it

or you don't wanna play it my way,

you just don't call me or you don't come.

And if, during the week, I've decided I don't need it,

I'll call you and tell you not to come

or I just will not be here when you show up.

- All the unmitigated gall. - Well... what about it?

What do you say? Deal?

- It's a deal. - Good.

Sylvia: Yuck. Onions before breakfast.

- Couldn't you wait until later? - Food's in the dining room.

You won't be able to smell anything in there.

You can smell the bloody onions all the way in our bedroom.

That's what woke me up. What's this?

Something for the turkey stuffing.

It looks mucky. Ugh.

- What's that bloody smell? - Good morning, Jonathan.

God. Are you making a big production?

I am making Thanksgiving dinner.

And rather special, as you requested. Why?

I feel as if I'm getting that goddamn thing all over again.

You probably drank too much last night.

Go back to sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up.

[shuffling feet]

- Feeling any better? - Mmm.

You look better.

Where are the girls?

Watching the Thanksgiving parade with some friends.

Oh, great.

It gives us plenty of time.

Time?

For a little old roll in the hay.

- Now? - Yeah, of course now.

Honey, you're not feeling well.

I feel fine.

I feel pretty horny as a matter of fact.

You get pretty horny lying around in bed all day.

Well... I'm sorry, but I...

I really don't feel like it.

I mean, I haven't been lying around in bed all day.

I've been running around all day.

- And there's a lot left to do. - [sighs]

And if I don't go turn off the--

Yeah, okay, I get the idea.

Do you think you could at least bring me something to eat?

- Sure. What would you like? - Juice and coffee,

one four-minute egg and a scone. No butter.

And some damson plum preserves.

- We're gonna be eating dinner-- - Well, I'm hungry.

I haven't eaten all day.

My, this is a delicious dinner, Tine.

Isn't this just scrumptious, girls?

This wine is called Romanee-Saint-Vivant.

Can you say that?

Both: Romanee-Saint-Vivant.

Good. You must learn so when you grow up,

you'll know all about wines.

No reason why women shouldn't know as much as men.

Expensive for a 1964.

Expensive but not... smug. you know what I mean?

Liz: This stuffing tastes different.

Why didn't you make the old kind of stuffing we love?

Daddy specifically asked for something different this year.

Didn't you, Jonathan?

I did. And I'm glad I did.

It's great. Super-duper.

Always said you had the makings of a superb cook.

What's in the stuffing? The squiggly things?

Please don't talk with your mouth full, Sylvie.

Oysters.

- [Sylvie coughs] - Sylvie!

Sylvie! What do you mean by doing such a disgusting thing?

Sylvie! I am talking to you.

What was the meaning of that outrage?

Oysters! They make me sick.

- You and Liz just love oysters. - On the half shell

with cocktail sauce. Not in a bloody turkey, for God's sake.

Sylvie, you will apologize to your mother this instant.

And then you will eat this delicious dinner

that she has worked so hard to cook.

Sylvie: [shouts] It isn't delicious, it's awful.

Mushy chestnuts, onion and celery and cream.

Even the salad isn't normal. Oranges and cut up plants.

You go straight to your room.

I'm happy to go to my room.

I feel rather peculiar.

[sighs]

[telephone rings]

Elliott here, Jonathan. How are you?

Jonathan: Elly, old boy. How are you?

- Have a pleasant Thanksgiving? - Elliot: Splendid, and you?

Jonathan: Perfect. Couldn't have been better.

Elliott: I'm awfully sorry to bother you on a holiday,

but, uh, we're having a little financial meeting here.

- Are you free to join us? - Jonathan: Of course.

I'd love to. Be over in ten minutes.

What was that?

Tina: What was what?

- That awful crash. - I dropped a plate.

Didn't sound like a plate.

- Why are you going out? - You ought to know.

You were listening on the extension.

Why does Mr. Asher want you for a financial meeting?

Because I'm gonna be one of the major investors

in his new vineyard.

How much?

Who do you think you are, cross examining me?

How much are you investing, Jonathan?

I don't like being cross examined.

And I don't like being spied on on the telephone.

How can we afford to invest in a vineyard?

I'm in charge of financial matters around here.

So you can take that snippy tone of voice

and do "you know what" with it, old girl.

And since you've had such an exhausting day...

I suggest that you just go to bed.

And relax.

[sighing]

Well...

we're hooked.

At least for a while, anyway.

Mmm.

Who taught you all that?

[sighing]

Oh.

Marvelous hands.

Incredible hands.

He didn't teach you all that.

Who?

That goofed up husband of yours.

You screw around a lot before you married him?

Not a lot.

Well, what's his problem, anyway?

I gather you don't know it,

but he happens to be a brilliant lawyer.

Well, is he likely to get wise to this?

No, he doesn't watch me.

He's a... little too involved with himself right now.

Well, he probably has a broad somewhere.

Mmm, no.

He isn't the type.

Oh, everybody is the type, pussycat.

Well, did you...

just screw around a lot since you married him?

Never before.

Really?

Well, what took you so long?

Um...

I believed in all those square virtues.

Fidelity and loyalty.

- Nothing, you'd understand. - Mmm.

Yeah. Now tell me the real reason.

That is the real reason.

And besides, sex isn't that important to me.

[chuckling]

No, it really isn't.

Oh, my sweet fish.

My sweet fish.

You do not act like a broad to whom sex is not important.

Who broke you in?

Come on. Tell me. What was he like?

I dig hearing about that sort of thing.

Voyeur.

Oh, don't give me any crap about being a voyeur. I am a voyeur.

- [growls] - [chuckles]

Well...

there wasn't anybody... like that.

- [sighs] - [laughs]

And besides, there doesn't have to be.

With... some women...

sex is just...

instinctive.

Remember what Proust told about Albertine?

She...

instinctively knew...

what would give the male body pleasure.

She... what?

She instinctively knew what would give the male--

[laughing]

Oh, George, please don't laugh at me.

Oh, Jesus.

My funny baby.

[laughing] [clapping]

"Albertine instinctively knew..."

Oh, my God. My God, you are too much. You knucklehead.

Proust was a homosexual and Albertine was a goddamn boy.

Well, I don't happen to believe in that theory.

I happen to believe that the character of Albertine

- was based on a real woman. - And who taught you that?

Some crappy professor at Sarah Lawrence?

- Smith. - Oh. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey, sweetheart.

Oh, sweetheart cookie.

You really are a smart dame,

but sometimes you've got a box full of marbles for a brain.

And you're a mean, cruel bastard.

And you manage to spoil just about everything.

My Christmas list.

The ones that can't be covered by cash

and the ones that require the personal touch

of a little present besides cash.

You'll notice that I put down suggestions after each name,

with a sort of price ceiling.

In some cases, I've even indicated stores.

Lord & Taylor is nice for boots

and I happen to know Ms. Newby needs a pair.

Fleece-lined suede will be nice, I think, as I've suggested.

I've even put down her size.

I take it you want me to do your Christmas shopping?

Yes, I do. I haven't any time this year.

By the way, how are the RSVP's coming in?

Everyone's answered, except seven or eight.

Uh-huh. What about Charlotte Rady and Julie Hayes

and the Packards? They all accept?

Charlotte Rady and Julie Hayes did,

Joyce Packard called this morning

and said she couldn't come.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Very, very sorry. Did she give any reason?

They're off to some place to ski.

Klosters or Kitzbuhel.

Boy, some people really know how to live, don't they?

I hope you've arranged to have the apartment done next week.

Uh, floors waxed, windows washed.

You've ordered the flowers, haven't you?

Not yet.

Not yet?

Do you realize our party is only nine days away?

[door slams]

I wanna have a talk with you.

About what?

Do you know what tobacco does to your teeth?

Stains them.

You notice that I don't allow myself to be ruled

by a little tube of tobacco.

Is that what you came to talk about? Smoking?

I wanna talk about the way we live.

The way we live is ridiculous.

I couldn't agree more.

Tina, I've been sitting in the den trying to figure it out.

Why is it, just as I am about to realize my creative potential,

you are doing everything to hold me back?

What if I happen to think that some of your methods are wrong?

This whole kick you're on...

throwing big parties for so-called celebrities...

running after them.

I think it's idiotic and demeaning.

They don't care about you. They wanna use you.

Why don't you just let me be the judge of that.

Why? Why can't you go along with me

instead of working to destroy me?

Wanna know the truth? I'm more worried about the girls.

What the hell do you mean by that crack?

Girls look to their mothers to learn how to be women...

and you sure set one hell of a horrible example.

Well, listen here, Jonathan Balser,

if there's any rotten example being set, for those girls,

it is not me.

So you take that kind of talk and shove it right up your ass.

You calm down. Calm down. Stop using such foul language.

I'm gonna pretend that you never said

any of the nasty things you just said.

Well, that is very big of you, I must say.

I have been patient...

I have been fantastically patient...

more patient than any other man I know.

But I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do.

About what?

In nine days we are giving a party for 100 people.

I have hired Beaumont, the most expensive caterer in New York,

to handle the food and the service. Even the ice.

I would like to see you do one thing

to make this party a success.

Would you come to a party...

that we're giving a week from Saturday...

if I thought of a safe way of inviting you?

Not on your life.

Why?

First of all, I don't dig parties.

I hate them. And second of all,

I do not get my kicks from that sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

That "nobody-knows-but-us" crap.

[chuckles] My poor baby.

I might have known you'd take that kind of cheap thrill.

I only asked you

because it would be more bearable if you were there.

If you hate parties so much,

what were you doing at the do where we met?

Checking up on a lying cunt.

The tall, skinny blonde.

Oh, what difference does it make who it was?

Oh... it sounds as if you...

cared for her.

Cared?

Oh, Christ, you are starting to get possessive, aren't you?

Do you still see her?

You've made love to a million different women, haven't you?

Mmm. Give or take a dozen.

[whispers] You've had lots of practice and experience.

Mmm. Aren't you glad?

I'm jealous.

You have no goddamn right to get jealous.

- Why? Because I'm married? - No.

Because you give me too damn little of your time, that's why.

What the hell am I supposed to do while you're off

changing diapers and running errands for old Jona-thing?

And while we're on that subject, you can tell me

- you two never screw? - No, I'm not.

Well, supposing I don't like that.

You're jealous.

Oh.

Well, what difference does it make,

since you and I are only having a straight sex thing?

Oh, shit to all that.

Come on, baby, we're wasting time.

George: Oh. Ooh! Jesus, is it cold.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hello.

Look what I have for you.

Oh!

Oh, it's still cold.

[sighs]

- Don't you have a bathrobe? - Never owned one in my life.

Why?

Bathrobes were luxuries where I grew up.

Now, it's just a habit.

What's today? Tuesday? How about Friday?

I know this will only prove your point...

but the fact is, I can't see you until next week.

And next week will be the last time until after the holidays.

Don't you wanna know why?

No, I don't give a shit why.

Well, one of the reasons is that damn party we're having.

I have to stick around and see that the floors get waxed

and the windows get washed. Interesting things like that.

And then... And then Friday, I have to go to the dentist

- and to the hairdresser. - Yeah.

Next week I could see you early in the week.

Because I'm due to get the curse around the middle of the week.

I don't mind that.

- I do. - You would.

Then what?

This is fascinating, in a hair-raising sort of way.

After that is Christmas vacation.

I have to spend some time with the girls, take them places.

Jesus, and you have the nerve to be jealous.

Look, it's 5:20, hadn't you better move your ass?

Do you wanna see me next Tuesday or not?

Oh, sure. Sure, baby. Tuesday is fine.

I'll have some mistletoe hanging over the bed.

* ["Joy to the World" plays]

[indistinct chatter]

[child screams]

[bell rings]

[horns honk]

- Aah! - [door closes]

- Hey, Tine, is that you? - Tina: Hi.

Come on in here. I wanna show you something.

How do they look?

Ooh, just fine.

One hundred and fifty-three. Still ten days to Christmas.

- We're half way there. - Half way where?

Well... we sent out 300 cards this year.

I want you to make a list before you throw them away.

No point in sending cards next year

to people who couldn't be bothered to send us one.

I remembered what you said.

Mmm.

That bit about my deprived childhood, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Look, would you be very sore if I took this back

and I got some shirts? I'm very low on shirts.

Just because you're embarrassed you didn't get me a present,

doesn't mean you have to get tough.

And who said I didn't get you a present?

I'd faint if I ever got a present from you.

Oh, you would, huh?

Oh... ah...

Open it.

Well, don't just sit there. Try it on.

Now? Here?

Now. Here.

You're suddenly modest?

- Just as I thought. - What?

You don't look at all sexy.

Still, it's an improvement

over that Destin Company lady lingerie you're always wearing.

Oh, shut up.

You shut up.

- Come here. - No.

It's...

too cold.

That's not bad. That's not bad at all.

It's a lot better than walking around in a dirty old raincoat.

Mmm.

Well, that's it. Christmas is over.

I was a good little boy and Santa Claus came.

Didn't you?

What are you gonna do on Christmas?

Why?

What should I be doing? What are you doing?

Tell me, how is the birthday of our Lord celebrated

in the warm and loving Balser household?

[telephone rings]

Answer the telephone.

Answer the goddamn phone.

Okay.

Hello.

No, I was taking a shower.

Because I felt like it. That's why.

Will you get off that stupid kick, for Christ's sake?

No, that's too early.

[sighs]

I thought I told you to knock it off.

I'll be there about eight o' clock.

[hangs up]

It was agreed that you have no damn right to be jealous.

- I am not jealous. - What?

I'm not jealous. I just feel sick.

Why? You asked for it.

You begged for it. You ordered me to answer the phone.

How come it was plugged in today?

Afraid you'd miss that call?

Oh, Christ, here comes the big agony scene.

I'm not even sure you bought that chemise for me.

- Well, it fit you, didn't it? - It could fit any number of...

- broads. - Oh, please.

What are you trying to prove? That I'm a rat? A bastard?

You know that. That's why you come here.

- It's what turns you on. - Sometimes it turns me on.

Sometimes it makes me wanna throw up.

Everything has its price.

I know.

I'm not sure I can pay it.

Well, can you or can't you? If you can't, get off the pot.

You're trying to confuse things, as I knew you would.

All this jazz about presents.

What the hell has presents got to do with you and me?

Jesus, I must be out of my mind.

Anytime you show signs of being human, I'll think

- you're out of your mind. - I'm not human.

Sentimental.

We happen to have a fantastic sex thing.

Sex is sex.

A lay is a lay is a lay.

You wanna get laid, you come here and you get royally laid.

Isn't that enough?

No why the hell do you have to dress it up

with a lot of schmultz and trimmings?

If that's what you want, go find yourself some nice

guilty type of adulteress husband

in that select social set you travel in.

They're past masters at that sort of crap.

You don't need a woman. You need a sex machine.

Well, it sure would save one hell of a lot of trouble.

Merry Christmas!

Madame Balser? Beaumont service, Madame.

Ah! Monsieur Beaumont, a pleasure to meet you at last.

I'm not Monsieur Beaumont. I'm Monsieur Henri.

Oh. How do you do, Henri?

What time does Monsieur Beaumont arrive?

Monsieur Beaumont does not arrive, Monsieur Balser.

Please, is there somewhere my people can change their clothes?

Doesn't arrive?

You mean, not come at all? I'm afraid I don't understand.

Monsieur Beaumont only appears at those parties

where the, uh...

necessary arrangements have been made.

Well, I...

This should have been made clear to me.

I wasn't told that one had to make special arrangements

to have Monsieur Beaumont appear.

Bloody upsetting.

- Does it really matter? - Goddamn right it matters.

I'm paying enough for Beaumont to come here

and show his bloody face. He could've told me.

You've got your hell of a goddamn nerve.

Now how the hell are me and my wife supposed to get in and out

- of our front door, huh? - What's the trouble, Mr. Meyer?

Trouble? I said you got your hell of a nerve

putting these lousy coat racks in the hall.

I'm terribly sorry, but you see, we're having a big party--

I don't care if you're having the last supper.

These lousy coatracks are blocking my front door.

How the hell are our friends supposed to get into our house?

- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Meyer. - I tell you something.

I wouldn't have come over here and made this fuss,

if it wasn't for that husband of yours.

If that husband of yours hadn't rung my bell last week

and asked... No, no, no. He told me to get a new doormat.

That husband of yours said that my doormat is an eyesore.

That's exactly the word he used. Eyesore!

Then he had the nerve to ask me to take in my umbrella stand.

That is an imported umbrella stand.

I mean, he's got his goddamn nerve.

Just who the hell does he think he is, that husband of yours?

Can't you wait until the party begins?

The party has begun.

Sylvie: Mother, mother.

Why? What's the matter?

We went into the pantry and there were platters of canapes

and we were going to take one each

and a tall man said if we touched anything,

he'd lock us in our rooms.

Well, I just better straighten him out.

Tina, don't you dare go in there.

Monsieur Henri is right.

These people are professionals. These people are perfectionists.

If Monsieur Henri doesn't want you two girls under his feet,

spoiling all their hard work, then you listen to him.

- Can't we just have one canape? - Please?

That's up to Monsieur Henri.

Why is it up to Monsieur Henri?

Because he's in charge here.

He's in charge here? This is our party.

My party!

My party! You haven't lifted one finger for this party.

Monsieur Henri is an employee in this house!

If I wanna serve canapes to Lulu,

that's who he'll serve canapes to.

You're mother's very funny, isn't she, girls?

[Jonathan laughs]

You heard her. You heard what she said.

Your mother wants to have a poodle party

instead of a people party. [laughs]

Oh, mother, a poodle party!

You lousy bastard.

All right now. Come on. You two go watch television.

Go on now. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Don't care what you say in front of them, do you?

Making my own daughters laugh at me?

As usual, you've got everything twisted.

You let them see that you find me ridiculous.

You encourage them to find me ridiculous!

What have I got twisted?!

Oh, why do you have to overreact to everything?

What have I got twisted?!

What has she got twisted, old boy?

Peter. Joanie.

[indistinct chatter]

Man: ...reaching for these drinks.

Man: Get me two J&B's, just a touch of water and some lemon.

Okay? Thank you.

Man: Oh, look. Don't run away. I wanna talk to you.

Man: Mark, how are you? Good to see you. Merry Christmas.

Man: What are you getting for Christmas?

Man: Beer please and a double vodka and tonic.

Man: Yes, yes. Absolutely.

Woman: Can you get that, please?

Man: Seriously, I couldn't stand it.

Divine party, angel.

I see you're using Beaumont's people.

You should have called me.

I would have told you about this other new person

who is simply marvelous.

Everybody in the world used Beaumont

in these last couple of years.

Those omelets of his have had it.

That's what we're having. Omelets.

Oh, dear, I've said something wrong.

I just meant that if you called me,

I could have given you some advice.

I do have some advice for you, angel.

About something else.

Do you remember in Shakespeare what Iago said to the Moor?

Look to your wife. Observe her well.

Only you must switch the sexes around, Tina, dear.

Why, Charlotte...

I didn't know that you'd done the classics.

I thought you got into the movies

because you were Maddy Gordon's favorite hooker.

Rotten little bitch.

- Henri shut down the big bar. - I know.

It's much too early. People wanna drink,

- not think about food. - I know.

Stop him. Make him re-open the bar.

I've already asked him to.

He says he has another party to do tonight

and if we want food at all, it has to be now.

And if we don't want it, we have to pay for it anyway.

Oh, God.

Oh, is the bar shut down here, too?

Sit down, honey. You with anyone?

We'll never get a table at Elaine's.

I wanna go to Elaine's. I think George'll be there.

Girl: How do you know George will be there?

- George? - I wanna dance.

Let's go somewhere where we can get some chow

and then let's get some place where we can dance.

I wanna know how you know where George is having dinner tonight?

- George who? - Why don't we have

a fast omelet here and then go some place to dance?

I don't want any crap omelet, that's why.

Let's go, everybody. Come on.

Come on, honey. This place is dead.

[silverware clinking]

Beaumont's people certainly left this place in good shape

you gotta say that.

Beaumont's people certainly left this place in good shape.

I mean, you can't even tell there's been a party here.

Has there been a party here?

By the way, what the hell did you say to Charlotte Rady?

Saw the two of you talking, the next thing I know,

she was charging out the front door.

What makes you think I had anything to do with it?

Maybe she was bored.

Maybe there weren't enough celebrities.

Or maybe she just needed another fix.

Well... on the whole, I think everything went quite well.

Don't you?

How much did it cost?

What the hell difference does it make how much it cost?

I'll be it cost over $1,000.

What the hell do you care? You didn't have to lift a finger.

He shouldn't have started those omelets so early.

But most people were damned happy to see those omelets.

At quarter past nine, there were 13 people here.

- I counted them. - God, I might have known.

You always have to put down everything.

You're not happy unless you're giving something the axe.

Oh, where's my bird?

Where's my Alaskan Point Barrow Eskimo Bird?

Stolen.

Stolen?

I saw a man put it in his pocket.

Wh-- Well, why the bloody hell didn't you

march right over there and get it back?

He was one of your celebrities.

What's his name... who won the Pulitzer prize.

You got a pimple on your ass.

I know.

You're getting too damn skinny. I can see you ribs.

Please don't pick on me, George.

Why? What's the matter?

I don't know.

Well, it's the way you acted when I came in today.

- Why? How did I act? - Oh.

So...

So casual, as if it hasn't been almost three weeks

- since you've seen me. - What did you expect?

Crescendo violin?

What's the matter? Why are you crying?

Why are you crying?

Maybe it's because I realized today...

that you never wanna know a damn thing about me.

Do you know that you don't even know the names of my girls?

You don't even give a goddamn about anything about me.

Oh, Christ.

Cut out the waterworks, will you?

Hurry up, love.

I don't mean to be brisk, but you can't stay long today.

I'm not planning on staying long.

Listen, uh, baby...

one of the reasons I let you come here today

- was because I, um-- - "Let me come here today"?

Yes. I let you come in today.

One of the reasons was I...

wanted to say what I have to say in person.

You'd have gotten it all wrong

if I'd have said it on the phone.

I decided we ought to cool this for a while.

- You... you're tired of me. - No, because I'm tired.

I had three hours sleep last night

and I work like a son of a bitch day and night.

When I work, I work like a maniac.

I can't work like that and do other things.

Contrary to what I like to think, I'm not Superman.

- What do you mean by cool this? - Let things ride for a while.

Say a few weeks and then...

when things let up, I'll give you a call.

When what things let up?

Look, uh, I don't ask you to account to me.

Is it something you're writing?

Please tell me.

Did you start something over Christmas?

I know you don't talk about your work,

but you can tell me that much, can't you?

Or is it... screwing around

with some other broad that's made you so puking tired.

Oh, whammy. Now we have got a full dressed tantrum going on.

- You animal. I hate your guts. - Oh, boy. The works.

How can I ever let any part of me touch you?

Not what you were whimpering a half hour ago.

Oh, you rotten, sadistic son of a bitch.

In case you don't know it, baby, that's exactly what you did.

That's what turns you on, what makes our sex so fantastic.

You're goddamn right I'm a sadist

and you're the perfect willing victim.

Poor little housewife. You can't take it straight, can you?

You want it all tied up with hearts and flowers

and lyrics by Hammerstein.

I warned you. I called you. Didn't I?

Now, you listen to me. There have always been other broads

and there always will be. Broads and broads and broads.

What the hell has that got to do with you, Mrs. America?

You're sick.

Sick.

You have to put on this big, virile act...

- because you're really a fag. - Now, you listen girl.

You take these clothes and you get dressed.

And you get the hell out of my house in one minute flat

or you are gonna be a basket case.

What's the matter?

Why are you up?

I'm having some hot milk and honey.

My mother used to give it to me when I was a kid...

when bad dreams woke me up.

Your mother?

Bad dreams?

Why can't you sleep, Jonathan?

I was wondering. What ever happened to my red suspenders?

What red suspenders?

I was wearing them the night we met.

What ever happened to them?

Oh, you must have thrown them away a long time ago.

It was so hot at the democratic club and I took off my jacket

and you dug my red suspenders. Remember, Tine?

That speech you gave was so good.

Yeah. Was it?

You were witty...

and charming...

and very sexy.

My new frontier type speech.

Oh, God, how I wanted to go into politics in those days.

You remember how fired up we were

about what was happening in Washington?

We were so young and hopeful.

Sounds corny...

but we were idealistic. Weren't we, Tine?

And then...

suddenly it was all over.

Just gone.

I used to wake up three o'clock in the morning, crying.

Because it wasn't there anymore.

It's three o'clock in the morning now.

What's wrong, Jonathan?

Just about everything you can think of is wrong.

Tell me.

Do you really wanna know?

The... the vineyard in France is a total loss.

No hope of salvaging a penny.

- What happened? - I don't know.

Some, some, some kind of plant disease. Root rot, uh...

Every vine is full of it.

- Did you invest a lot in it? - A lot.

How much?

We're cleaned out.

I even sold our stock and I'm in debt.

[sighs] Well...

you'll just have to...

cut down and live a lot differently.

After all, you... you still have a good income from the firm.

Um...

that's another thing. I...

I'm in trouble at the office.

It seems Hodison has been

extremely displeased with me recently and...

today I tried for a motion in a suit and lost.

He called me down like a bloody office boy.

He said... he said I may...

I'd be looking for a new job if I didn't get with it.

What else, Jonathan?

Um... I've been having an affair.

Yes.

Yes. Did Margo call you? She threatened to.

I'll kill her if she did.

I knew it all along, without really knowing.

I'm not cut out for all that jazz.

All the lies. All the arrangements.

And the guilt.

And... [chuckles]

Oh...

Oh, I know I've neglected you in...

in the hay.

I hate myself for it.

Tine...

I expected a big scene over this.

Tears. Recriminations.

Oh, Tina, you're being wonderful.

Oh...

so patient and understanding.

Please don't.

Don't make me out to be...

so...

well, so noble.

You're a fine human being, Tina.

No, I'm not.

I...

I'm just a human being.

Do you want a divorce, Tine?

Or...

do you think we could pick up the pieces and...

maybe work out a better marriage than we ever had?

So, that's it. That's where it's at.

Well, that's pretty dirty pool. Your old man levels with you

and you don't open your mouth about your boyfriend.

You leave the poor slob dragging his guilt tail and you're just

- as guilty as he is. - What obligation did she have,

to make that silly bastard feel better?

I joined group with the understanding I would get help

with my very real and terrible life problems.

She has a husband, a lover,

and an eight-room apartment on the park.

Why does she need help?

Man: I don't understand her problem.

Your husband works hard to support you.

In return for which he wants the house clean,

the buttons sewn on,

and a modest amount of sexual intercourse.

I mean, what's your problem?

Man: You are nothing but a spoilt middle class bitch.

Exactly like my ex-wife, so I know where of I speak.

Woman: wait till you hear about some of the freaks.

[clamoring]

Woman: She's doing it in group.

Man: What about those two sweet little girls?

Woman: Be sure your lawyer gets the dog.

If your old man gets it, he will leave it alone all day

and that is not good for poodles.

- when a-- - Woman: Poodles are irrelevant.

Man: [screams] Who the hell cares about poodles?

All we got here is a rotten state of affairs.

[clamoring]

Woman: I want to build a kiln in our garage.

I want to have clay out there and a potter's wheel out there

and make pots. "Oh, no." my husband says,

"No wife of the Chairman of the Board of Strasberg and Stern

is going to make pots."

"Well, what's wrong with pots?" I ask him.

"If you want pots, go out and buy pots." he tells me.

Well, I don't want to buy pots. I want to make pots.

Oh, my husband is a cannibal who is devouring my life juices

just like your husband is devouring your life juices.

Will you leave him? Leave him.

Woman: Stay with him and count your blessings.

- Man 1: Do good. Divorce him. - Man 2: Ah, shit. Split!

- Woman: Get out. Get a lawyer. - Man: Out!