Original subtitles

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Azeem Banatwalla!

(audience cheering)

(audience still cheering)

(FFS why won't audience stop cheering?)

Okay okay, shut up, shut up!

We got a show to do!

Alright! Cool. Let’s do this.

As may, many of you may or may not know, my name is, Azeem Banatwalla.

I am a, cool guy.

I hang out at cool places.

Like Café Coffee Day.

And people, they say a lot of shit about CCD, you know people say,

“CCD is fuckall, this and that, coffee is bad.”

But I’ve been there

and bathroom was very clean.

And really, that’s the only reason why anyone goes to CCD.

CCD at this point is a 'Public Toilet'

with Hotel Management degree.

When I went to CCD last week, to use the bathroom, obviously.

And came out I saw that behind the counter, serving

coffee to people was a white guy working at CCD.

I was like wow, white guy at CCD

this Brexit is damn serious dude!

He had a name tag, it said "Dave", Dave is working at CCD, I was like, wow!

And obviously, being a brown man seeing a white person in my natural environment.

I had to speak to him

So, I went up to Dave, but half way through walking

to Dave I realized he's not a white guy.

He's an Albino.

And my life's dreams were shattered.

I went, I was like, "Dave, What happened?

He was like,"Mazha naav Dave aahe." (My name is Duh-vey)

"Coffee pahije ka?" (Do you want coffee?)

I changed my order from flat white to espresso, immediately.

I always start the show with that stupid ass joke,

to lower your expectations.

Because, anything remotely smart I say after this,

you'll be like,"Wah! Kya kavi hai yeh!" (What a poet this man is!)

But, this is my new show. I was inspired to write this show,

by the rapper, Eminem. Yeah?!

No fans of Eminem? Alright, cool.

He didn't come to me directly and say, "Write this show!"

But I was inspired by his work.

Because to me, Eminem is a genius.

He's an absolute genius, because he has to be the only musician in the world,

who through his music, managed to make millions of people,

memorize his life's problems.

Dude, I don't know where my life is going.

But, know everything about Eminem's.

You can wake me up in the middle of the night,

I will give Eminem entrance exam, on the spot.

No, genuinely. I feel, like I know Eminem on a personal level.

I know how he reacts, for instance,

to getting nervous, I know that when Eminem's nervous,

His palms are sweaty,

knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. I know this.

(Eminem fanboys reminiscing fondly)

Don't trust, mom's spaghetti. I know this.

But all of Eminem's songs, if you listen to them,

they all have very hardcore problems in the songs.

Always like,"I'm a drug addict, my wife left me,

my mom hates me."

It has to be a really hardcore problem to be an Eminem song.

Which leads me to believe, that there must be an entire rejected catalogue of songs

with problems, that weren't just not good enough.

Like, he's in the studio recording, "I ordered noodles,

they sent me rice instead

my life sucks."

Dr. Dre's on the side like,"No, no, this ain't goin' on the album."

"But, what do we do with these lyrics Dre?"

"Don't worry, I have another rapper who can use them."

"Hello, Baba Sehgal?!

Got a new song for you."

Lovely.

But Eminem is my inspiration,

and what Eminem effectively does is that,

he tells people his problems and makes money.

So, I was like, even I will do the same thing.

So, this show is my problems in exchange for your money.

Enjoy!

Now, in the course of this show I'm gonna tell you a lot of my problems.

I'm going to solve a lot of problems,

In the course of this show, I'm going to solve the Ram Mandir issue.

(nervous Woo-ing)

I'm going to solve the Kashmir Issue.

No, trust me. I will.

In the course of this show, there will be two jokes that you won't find funny.

Those jokes are there just for me.

There will be one joke about Salman Khan which you won't see coming.

And there will be one point in the show where most of you'll think I'm an asshole.

But, then in the next line you'll be like,"Wow, this guy is a genuis."

So, should we start the show, yeah?

(cheers, because no choice)

So,

Problems. The biggest problem in my life right now,

is that, I find myself in a very weird position in my career.

When most of my fans are 16 year olds.

And I cannot stand any of them.

Dude, 16 year olds are so annoying, they're just so smug, showing off

about some app or the other.

"I have a new app to improve my grammar."

"It's called Grammar.ly."

Fucker! When we were growing up

we called it school.

Illiterate fuck!

Very entitled, these 16 year olds.

They send me messages on social media, on Instagram.

They said,"Bro cannot make it for your show.

I have exams.

Can you postpone your show?"

Fucker! You prepone your life no?

16 year olds, can't stand. 17 year olds, I can tolerate.

Because if you're 17 that means you're born in a year

that starts with 19-and-something

And this is data, that my brain can process.

Like, I see all these date of birth 2003, one shudder goes down my spine.

Fuck! How is this Legal?

But 18 year olds, I have some amount of respect for,

because when you turn 18, that means you have responsibility.

Because when you turn 18, you get from the government, the catalogue of

four new powers that you didn't possess before.

You get the power to drink, You get the power to drive,

you get the power to vote, you get the power to fuck.

All very good powers. What's interesting about these powers,

Is that you can only, legally,

use one of them at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.

Fucking while voting, definitely illegal.

Look at the other permutations and combinations,

fucking while driving, illegal.

Driving while voting, impossible.

Voting while drinking, sometimes I think

that's what happened in 2014.

(anti-nationals cheering)

(deport them now)

Which finally leaves you with fucking while drinking,

which, while legal, results tend to vary.

But out of all these powers, when you are 18,

driving is the most important out of all of these, right.

See, Because to drink, you need money.

To vote, you need opinions.

To fuck, you need game.

And at 18, you have none of these things.

But at 18 you do have access to your dad's car and

once we as guys have access to this dad's car.

We truly believe that this car is a chick magnet.

We believe from the bottom of our hearts. That this car,

this Maruti Zen,

Estilo. Pink color.

Holds the key to infinite sex. We believe this.

We roll down the windows, play loud music

that is our mating call.

But it does help to have a car,

In this sort of 18 to 22 dating kind of age.

Because, It gives you a place,

If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend where you can make out.

Which in this country is, prime property.

Yes.

But making out in the car, some of you'll have done it before

this does come with its share of logistical problems.

Chief of these being, that in this country, Police catches you.

Because this is India.

And in India no car can compete

with Sanskar. (culture)

(fans appreciating clever wordplay)

Car, Sanskar. This is the hierarchy.

And, everytime we'd get caught making out.

I keep thinking, Police dosen't have any other work?

I think, the police they just go everynight from car to car,

"Aye, who's making out? Who's making out?"

"Hey! What's happening?" "Sir, nothing kidnapping, kidnapping."

"Okay, okay. Carry on, carry on.

Just don't make out with the victim, please."

Guy comes to you, right. When you're making out,

knocks on the window, then says those four words,

that strike fear into the heart of every 18 year old in this country,

which are not, 'You are under arrest.'

That you can deal with. But,

"Baap ko phone laga!" (Call your father)

Obviously, I never had to call my dad.

Because I had my own four words to get out of this situation.

Which is,"Yeh lo Paanch sau." ("Here's five hundred bucks")

Because again, this is India.

And in India, Car, Sanskar,

Bhrashtachar (Corruption).

(Wordplay appreciation level 1000000)

And what a weird situation this is,

I have to pay police 500 to make out with my girlfriend.

Feels like he's a pimp in my relationship.

Dude, after the 5th time we got caught making out,

I started suspecting my girlfriend.

I was like, 'She's involved with the police.'

The moment I leave they split 250, 250.

Making a fool out of me, that's what I thought.

But after many years of research, me and my girlfriend.

We researched and found a foolproof method,

to make sure that no police can catch you while making out in the car.

And this method I will share it with you.

It is to get married.

They can't do shit, dude.

We got married. We started making out in the car next day,

just to fuck with cops.

Cop comes, sees us making out, he's like, "Call your father."

I was like, "Take this marriage certificate

and my phone, you call my father.

Checkmate.

He was so impressed. He gave me 500 Rupees.

Plus, 1 rupee shagun (good luck).

But at 18, driving feels like the most important power in the world.

But, when you grow older, you turn 30,

like I have, you realize that actually, voting, is the most important power.

And when you look at these 4 powers. Drinking, driving, voting, fucking.

Out of them, only to drink and to drive,

you require any form of training or license.

Voting, fucking, figure it out yourself.

And there should be some screening, especially for voting, and I feel,

this is the greatest beauty and the greatest tragedy of

democracy which is that, fucking anybody can vote.

Which I find this is a bit too much.

There should be some screening like, even when you login to Gmail.

There is screening, you have to press that captcha, right?

"Please, prove you are not a robot"

Click on it, they show you some fuck all low resolution image.

Say, please click on all the squares in which there is a car.

And you always get stuck on this one last square,

where you're staring at 5 minutes, like, "Is there even a car in this?"

"Is it a car or a dustbin, what is it?"

"What would a robot do?"

Sometimes you fail the test, you're like, "Fuck! I'm a robot now."

Life is a lie.

You turn back your parents are standing,

"We were waiting for the right time to tell you.

Our entire family is gadgets.

The Father is an iPhone, I'm a type-writer."

All of this you do just to login to Gmail.

But for voting, no screening. . All of this you do just to login to Gmail.

But for voting, no screening. .

I think evenfor voting there should be a captcha

Just before you walk into the polling booth,

there should be a button you press, 'Please prove you're not a dumbfuck.'

Press the button then Amitabh Bachchan appears,

"Come let's play, who will create Democracy?"

For one vote, here is your question, "Who's the chief of Indian Army?"

"Sunny Deol"

"Get lost, dumbfuck!"

I would pay money to watch that show.

Infact, I would pay 50 rupees everyday,

just to hear Amitabh Bachchan say,

"Get lost, dumbfuck!"

Genuinely.

But it does impact, voting impacts the power of your life.

It impacts your wellbeing and it impacts your mental health,

like the state of the roads, the infrastructure,

is fucking with my head, dude.

I have started getting emotionally attached to potholes.

No, because I've seen them grow from a young age.

(crowd appreciates clever analogy)

(strange moaning man reacts to clever analogy)

I go away for 3 weeks. I come back,

I'm proud, I'm like, "You've grown up so big, wow!

Get him married with the speed breaker."

'Cause, I find it very hard to live in this city, man.

Most like cities that we live in,

Like, this city Bombay specifically, 'Mumbai' specifically,

for Shiv Sena purposes.

But Mumbai, specifically I find it very hard to

live here because this entire city is just one

apologetic Mad Max: Fury Road episode.

There is just devastation.

And a sign, that says 'Work in progress. Inconvenience Regretted.'

And that sign is a lie.

Work in progress inconvenience regreted, bullshit!

Out of those 4 words only the inconvenience is real.

Work, progress, regret, all imaginary.

Nobody gives a shit.

(crowd acknowledging the bitter truths of urban life)

All across our city you see metro barricades, metro construction,

even over there they put up this lovely sign it says, 'Men at work.'

Has anyone seen these men?

(audience members have not seen these men)

Someone needs to tell the government, men have fucked off.

Men have found new jobs.

Men are driving uber now.

(audience reminiscing about Uber strikes)

(migratory bird in audience appreciating humour)

Sitting in the uber bitching about metro only.

Circle of life

But if you have to admire the traffic that we have in our cities.

Like there is, consistency to the traffic.

Like you can have proper traffic time table. I have realized.

So, 7 to 8 in the morning, is 'Kids being dropped to school,' traffic.

Then, 8 to 9 is 'Regular office rush hour,' traffic.

Then, 9 to 10 is 'People who are late for the office rush hour,' traffic.

Then 10 to 11 is, 'Lazy start-up founder rush hour,' traffic.

Then, 11 to 12 is traffic for fuck's sake.

Nobody knows why there is traffic.

I think all the people, who missed out on the original traffic,

they get together they're like,

"Haven't been stuck in traffic since a long time, let's have nostalgia traffic."

Next hour, 1 to 2pm, 'kids being picked up from school traffic.'

Circle is complete.

And It's that kids being picked up from school traffic,

is the one irritates me the most, right.

Because these days, parents are sending cars to pick up their kid from school.

And not like, regular size Swift, i20. No. No.

Fucking, Range Rover!

Mercedes Benz.

Your child is not that good, dude.

(agreement from all parents in audience)

(children cheering, despite joke being on them)

Genuinely.

And it annoys me particularly,

because I grew up in an age which I'm sure, lot of you did, where

to come back from school, you had two options, right.

If your school was in walking distance. You walked.

If not in walking distance. You took the fucking bus.

If you missed the bus, Fuck it. It's over.

Find a new home.

Dude, my parents didn't even look for me man!

I missed the bus twice. I'm on my third family now.

(Azeem's first family cheering)

(Azeem's second family cheering)

But, everywhere you go in this country, you will see,

that there is hundered people dancing on the roads somewhere.

Something or the other is going on.

Like, some festival or the other. I, over time made my peace with this.

I was like, okay. There're certain times in a year, certain festivals.

Where people are dancing on the road. And this is a part of Hindu culture.

And as a secular Indian, I must be okay with this.

But then, earlier this year I saw during Eid,

even Muslims are dancing on the road.

I was like, this is a bit too much.

I have two problems with this, Muslims dancing on the roads in a procession.

Two problems, number 1,

Us dancing on the road, goes against one of our core rules,

which is that nobody is supposed to have fun.

(audience having fun because Muslims cannot)

And number 2, if you are dancing on the road in a procession,

there needs to be an idol to go along with that,

We don't have an idol!

Are you guys dancing with Atif Aslam's photo, what are you doing?

(Ab to aadat si hai mujhko applause ki)

I was stuck in traffic, I roll down the window asked

other guys, "Why're you dancing?" He was like, "I don't know, it's too much fun.

They are serving Roohafza shots inside, are you coming, bro?"

As if this was not enough.

Last year during Christmas, I see even Christians are dancing on the road, now.

Wearing that Santa hat, Rudolph ears.

Dancing.

So I think, the religious establishment in this country,

basically needs to recognize that religious people,

basically just want to dance.

So to rectify this, I proposed that all houses of worship.

Which is Churches, Temples, Mosque, all of them should

just have a dance floor built into the premises.

After that, do whatever you want, Have a religious rave party.

All the idols are standing there like this anyway,

put one lever, they can also bounce with the music along with you

(blasphemous applause)

(we're all going to hell)

But I get in a trouble, you know

for saying these kind of things like bitching about the

infrastucture and people of this country.

Like, specifically when I complain about the roads

people come to me and say, "You shouldn't say all this stuff."

We're a third world country. We have to accept these things,

It's okay. Don't talk about it.

I'm like, see for any government, for any country,

I honestly believe that one rule should apply.

Which is that, If you cannot give good roads, I honestly believe that

Which is that, If you cannot give good roads,

then you have to give freedom of speech.

Out of the two, minimum one you have to give.

Like you look at Dubai.

No freedom of speech, but amazing roads, everyone's happy.

Get upset with the government, go for a drive on good roads.

Come back, you are not upset anymore.

But I started to get a bit disillusioned with life in this country,

over the course of the past year,

and I was like, let's go abroad and see what, first world life is like.

So I went earlier this year, I went to Melbourne,

to perform at the Melbourne comedy festival. Lovely experience!

And... yeah, thank you.

Yeah, okay. It's alright. It's over now.

No, but I went there,

and you go to cities like Melbourne, you see the problems they have,

they're so cute, dude!

Adorable! I was sitting in a cab, in Melbourne at a traffic signal.

The cab driver is getting upset.

Because, there's 10 cars in front of him

and he thinks this is traffic.

I was like, Aww!

Dude! If you saw in Mumbai,

only 10 cars in traffic in the middle of the day

forget happy, you would be worried, like,

'Where'd all the people go, bro? Fuck!"

The apocalypse is here,

My Zomato Gold got wasted, shit!

But whenever you talk about Australia, in the Indian context

there is always been one word buzz word that always popped up.

Which is, racism.

There's always been a big racism problem in Australia, pertaining to Indians.

and to their credit, the Austrailian people

did manage to find a solution to this problem.

and the solution was not to get rid of racism.

It was to get better at it.

Because, why give up something you love?

They're professionals dude, we would, especially when

you go to interior Austrailia, the outback, right.

We were performing there, touring, going to small towns.

First of all, we went to one town,

which had a population of 1050.

Which again as an Indian, blows your mind entirely.

Entire population expressed in four digits.

How is this possible?

Dude, I have seen 1050 people on a BEST bus.

and those were just the guys on the roof.

But, we went to this small town, right.

And after the show there was 3 or 4 comedians performing together

typically we would take pictures with the audience after the show

and

after the show, this one old white Australian lady came

and she said, she wanted a picture with me, only me.

And I was flattered, I was like, Wow! She is appreciating my art.

This is very nice.

And she came, she took a selfie,

clicked it.

Looked at it, just very happy.

Then she looked at me, she said, "Thank you.

You're the first Muslim I've ever seen."

and she fucked off!

First of all.

What is this hybrid racism?

When you say somthing racist and thank you in the same sentence?!

Secondly, what a bitch!

This is like some bucket list item for her.

She is taking this photo, you know showing her grandchildren,

"You'll never believe what I saw today. A Muslim!"

Learnt Hindi also apparently on the way

We went to an another small town in Australia, even after that show.

Another old white Australian lady came to me.

I think it's mainly the old white Australian

ladies who are spreading the racism.

and she came to me, after the show, slightly drunk.

She came to me, she's like, "You know,

there's a petrol station down the road.

Couple of Indian guys work there.

You should go!

You might know them."

I was like, of course, because that is the entire population of India.

Me and those two guys. Yes!

Absolutely, "It will be great fun when, we 3 friends sit together."

You, me and ignorance.

I love that tag line, though.

Aap, main aur Bagpiper. Remember that? (You, me and Bagpiper)

I think that's the only good thing about that whiskey.

I think Bagpiper has got to be the worst named whiskey in the world.

Like, you think of other whiskeys, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker.

All of these sound like people you'd want to hangout with, at some point.

Even Black Dog will become your friend eventually.

Who wants to hangout with a Bagpiper, dude?!

Nobody looks at Bagpiper and says, "This is my true friend."

No.

Bagpiper is the lowest musician on the musical food chain, you know.

Him and that guy who does the shake shake with the salt shaker,

they're at the same level.

If anyone comes to me and says, "You, me and Bagpiper."

I'd say, "No.

Only you and Bagpiper."

Count me out, I'm with guitarist.

This is the first joke which is only for me.

But then I was in Australia.

And I was enjoying, this first world life, this freedom of speech, a lot.

Too much, in fact.

I started doing radical things,

which I shouldn't have.

I decided while in Australia,

to record a video for Youtube for Indian people to consume.

Very bad idea.

So, In this video some of you would have seen it,

I was talking about India and Australia,

comparing specifically the healthcare system.

I was like where Australia's healthcare is so advanced,

that they have fixed all the basic issues.

And now their number one priority is to stop people from smoking.

And to do that they increase the price of cigarettes by 12.5%, every year.

And I was like, wow, hats off to you Australia!

I could never expect my government back home in

India to do this, because, we have other priorities.

Because, we

are still trying to figure out how to get people

to shit indoors.

Yeah.

Don't have the bandwidth for this level of 'woke' just yet.

And you guys laugh at that,

you chuckle at that, that is the appropriate response.

But people online here,

the trolls online, they started coming to me,

they said, "Azeem you are going abroad and misrepresenting the country."

I was like,

How is this misrepresentation?

I saw three people shitting on Juhu beach today.

I know this because

I was one of them.

And this is not a misrepresentation. I'll tell you.

This would be a misrepresentation. Right, if I went to Australia, stood on a stage

and I said, "Oh yeah India is amazing, there is no corruption

the infrastructure is brilliant, the government is fantastic, the government

would never interfere in the media or the judiciary,

in fact the government would under no circumstances

hire a loud mouth ego maniac fuck head.

To run a propaganda agency masquerading as a news channel."

If I said that.

That would be, a misrepresentation.

What do you want me to do? Go abroad and lie.

About what's happening in my country.

Not going to do that.

Because see there is already a job description for somebody who goes abroad

and lies about the country.

(Fans of Kunal Kamra applauding)

And I'm not going to do his job for him.

I pay taxes for a reason he can do it himself.

But you know people come to me they say, "Oh you just

have nothing positive to say about current government."

You just say there are good for nothing. I disagree, they're good at a lot of things.

Just that running a secular democracy is not one of them.

Good at a lot of things. They have very good skills, they are good speakers,

writers, orators, they are very good at advertising, marketing,

lynching all of these things.

skill is undeniable. It's there, it's there.

(fans of lynching being appreciative)

And of course then there is the

lot of people have a criticism of the man at the top

you know our "supreme leader".

No. But lot of people say that

you know all the decision he makes are haphazard,

random, there is no thought to what he is doing.

Here, I disagree. Here I think there is a

foolproof method which is being followed.

Which I think this is how it's works. Which is that

basically whenever they need him

to make a decision to make a choice.

They go to him

with a sheet of paper that has a list of options on it.

In alphabetical order.

And he always chooses the first one.

They went to him, "Sir, who is going to be your best friend?"

"Amit"

"Sir we need to tie up with some businessmen can you choose one?"

"Sure. Adani"

"Choose one more?" "Ambani"

(Laugh echoes from Antilla)

"Sir, Chief Minister of UP?"

"Adityanath"

"Sir, we need to buy a journalist"

"Arnab"

(Fans of unbiased news media getting excited)

"Sir, campaign slogan?"

"Achhe din"

"Sir, finally one last question "Who is your favourite God?"

"Allah" "Wait. What?" "Trick question"

(appreciative applause from minorities)

But whatever you say about him, I believe he is an honest guy.

He gives a honest representation of himself

Like his speeches are very honest.

Like I remember that speech. that he gave initially,

which is the 'Chowkidar' (watchman), speech right?

"I'm the watchman of this nation"

I love that. I think that is the perfect analogy.

Because when you think about it in your life. In your experience in this country.

Have you ever seen a watchman who was good at his job?

(laughter wakes up sleeping watchmen in next building)

If Desh (Country) is the building he is the Chowkidar (watchman).

Think about your building watchman.

What are his key hallmarks?

Number 1,

He serves one or two families

that give more bakshish (donations).

(laughter from post Diwali sadness)

Number 2. He has a couple of well trained pets

who they are, I'll leave to your imagination.

And number 3 and most important,

which is that when you need the watchman the most.

He is nowhere to be found.

(Waah Chowkidar Waah!)

Why?

Because he is in other building chilling with their chowkidars (guard).

(audience enthusiastically appreciates political satire)

It's a good joke I know.

But I hate the level of political conversation we have in this country.

Right. You go to current government you asked them questions about today.

Current. 2018.

They give you answers from 70 years ago.

You'll say, why are fuel prices rising?

They say, because Nehru smoked cigarettes

Does this make any sense. You asked them for civics

They give you history. This is the transaction that happens. Right?

Thank you, one

Giraffe, for laughing at that.

No. But that's genuinely what happens right but

And a key exponent of this behaviour

is the Yogi.

Yogi Adityanath.

I love him. Like he sound so cute.

Sounds like a cartoon character. You know.

Like growing up we had that cartoon Yogi Bear - smarter than the average bear.

I had hopes.

I saw Yogi Adityanath may be smarter than the average Adityanath.

Did not turn out to be so.

He became Chief Minister of UP. I was expecting a game changing government.

It turned out be just a name changing government.

(audience proving it has collectively read newspaper)

Changed lot of names in UP. They renamed Allahabad to Prayagraj

They renamed recession to Acche din.

Many things they have done.

But I love Yogi Adityanath.

He gave my favourite political

speech of the decade.

This year standing in the UP bypolls.

He was standing talking to the people of UP in complete seriousness.

Telling them, "Now you have to take decision

what do you want?

Ganna (Sugarcane)

Or Jinnah?"

What?

What options are these?

This is the Chief Minister of the largest (by population) state in the country.

Man who cannot frame a realistic multiple choice question.

Ganna (Sugarcane) or Jinnah?

One of them is a cash crop.

The other is a dead Muslim separatist.

You cannot substitute one for the other in any circumstance.

Yogi Adityanath should never open a juice center.

(fans of secular juice applauding)

You will go to him like, "Yogi today I feel like a Ganna juice."

"Sir, today Ganna juice is out of stock, today only Jinnah juice available.

You want it? We'll partition it and serve to you one by two.

Sir, we have more options would you like to try our

seasonal menu sir. What do you want Peru (guava) or Nehru."

(fans of lit rhymes vibing out)

You'll be standing there going, "Is this guy on ganja?"

Sir what do you want, Ganja

or bhanja (nephew). Like fuck. Shut up now.

But no matter how much you talk about government, politicians all of that.

That's all in its place. But I think the biggest problem and the

root of all our problems in this country is overpopulation.

Because I dont know if you've been outside but there are a LOT of people.

And genuinely like

It comes back to that same drinking, driving, voting fucking thing. Right?

To fuck (have a child)

Nothing.

No permissions, no screening required.

Now, let me tell you, I was reading the article about this. Right.

It says that in 2018

To raise a child

Sorry

In 2018 to raise a good quality child

You need a minimum of 35 Lakhs

over 18 years to do it right.

Now if you go to any bank

today and ask them for 35 lakhs loan they ask you

for shit to prove that you can pay it back.

Right they ask you for bank statements, salary slip, Aadhar card Whatever.

They ask You..

But for voting, for fucking

Nothing.

No questions asked which is why I believe even here.

Captcha,

required.

Press the button Amitabh Bachchan appears again,

"Let's play who wants to pay the school fees."

"How many kids do you want?"

"Four."

"And how many rupees in your bank account?"

"Four."

"Do you have anything else?"

"Aadhar card." "Get lost, dumbfuck!"

The population explosion in this country is out of control dude!

Babies are just flying out of vaginas,

like a machine gun.

Walk down the road random babies flying into your face.

"Whose it this? Take it back!"

And on paper, the solution to this seems simple. Right?

Birth control!

Government has been going to people for decades

Please use condom. Please take a condom.

Condom please.

Indian people are like no, no. We don't need condom.

We have God. Thanks for asking.

I do yoga. I have control.

Can't leave it to the people that's why

China's been doing It the right way.

Until very recently in China you were allowed one kid. That's it.

In China, government is the condom.

Can't fuck with them.

Go to them and say I want to make a baby

they would be like fuck off! You make iPhone.

Priorities.

Yeah.

But when you think about all of this,

boils down to religion.

Because in this country, what does every religion preach

that a child is a blessing.

"Child is a blessing!"

No. No. It's not.

Every three weeks I get a message from some idiot couple or the other

"We have been blessed with a baby boy"

No No you have been burdened by society's expectations.

(birth control enthusiasts cheer)

Child is not a blessing dude.

No blessing requires you to pay for its education.

No blessing shits in a bed.

Like when you sneeze, somebody says "God bless you"

that's a blessing, they don't give you a child.

Like, "(sneeze), here's a child, congrats"

But, I've realized after much

thought, I've realized,

that the solution to this population problem is,

Baba Ramdev.

yeah.

Because Baba Ramdev says any shit, people believe it.

Sells any product people buy it.

The solution is right in front of us, guys.

Patanjali condoms.

(fans of badly groomed beards rejoice)

Just take a regular Durex condom, add Gau Mutra, It is ready.

Yeah.

Patanjali presents Moo-rex condom, yes.

Now I see, some of you laughing, some of you're on-board with this idea.

In some of your eyes,

I see doubt.

Lot of you are staring at me saying, "Azeem,

this product and all is very nice,

but I have MBA degree.

I would like to know, how are you going to market this product?"

Allow me to explain.

Right, so, what we do is, we announce the Patanjali Moo-rex condom,

along with that, we announce a competition.

Between, Hindus and Muslims.

And we say that, whichever group over the next 20 years,

uses more patanjali condoms,

gets to decide, once and for all,

"Will a Mandir (Temple) be built or a Masjid (Mosque)?"

(applause is pending Supreme court verdict)

Problem solved, dude!

Two birds with one stone.

Because see, number 1,

first, over 20 years of people using condoms,

population will come back on track.

First problem solved. Secondly,

all the people who currently, today are doing,

"I want a Temple" "I want a Mosque." They'll be like,

"Fuck it, dude!

I've been getting laid for 20 years

I don't care about this shit anymore, you make whatever you want.

Mandir, Masjid, McDonald's anything will do, no problem"

(fans of alliteration banging together copies of Wren & Martin)

I've solved this thing many times in my head,

this is also the second best solution that I have.

Number one solution..

Is that, there should neither be a Mandir nor a Masjid.

Instead over there, In that place, open Subway.

Because, then everyone is equally disappointed.

Because, nobody in their life has ever walked into

an outlet of Subway and been like, "I won."

It's never happened.

This is what I believe man, but birth control clearly is not happening,

and if we cannot use birth control to fix the population problem

and we are going to fix it.

Today only.

but if you cannot use birth control to do it.

Then, you have to move into, darker territory

Which is to say, that if you cannot find a way to control the rate of birth,

then, you have to find a way,

to accelerate,

the rate of death.

and see by accelerate death, I don't mean just to walk into hospital

and pull life support and be like,"Bye, Grandpa, see you later

TTYL fam."

(audience makes collective laughing emoji)

Now see, all of you guys have laughed at that,

and by that you have given me your comedic consent.

Right!

So wherever this bit goes,

you have to stay with me.

and it is going to go places.

We are in this together.

We talk about accelerating deaths.

I can think of a lot of candidates.

And I guarantee you that every single one of you in your day-to-day life,

over the 24 hours

of your day,

sees at least 3 people.

Where you look at them,

and there is a small,

very small subconscious voice at the back of your head,

that looks at them,

and is like,

"Why?"

"Why does he exist?"

All of you fucking do it, don't lie.

And we have many examples of these people in our life.

Like, I know a guy,

a really stupid guy, his name Aslam.

He lives in dharavi which is A Slum.

Name is also his address, very convenient.

and everyone knows Aslam.

See, Aslam has no caste, creed, religion.

Aslam is a template.

Aslam is a concept.

Aslam is a state of mind.

Aslam is a prototype and all of us have seen this prototype.

I think the best explanation of the Aslam prototype,

I can give you is that Aslam is,

part time Salman fan / freelance eve teaser.

We've all seen him.

(audience is being human and laughing)

Aslam's

stretched career goal in life

is that one day he wants to do a wheelie on an Activa,

with 3 of his friends. That's what he wants from life.

Aslam is a guy who goes to the zoo,

sticks his hand in the tiger cage, "Aye tiger, here, have Tiger biscuit, haha!"

That's Aslam.

and Aslam has no potential, no scope in life.

but the good news is for us is that Aslam,

has stupid ideas,

which can put his life in danger.

All we have to do,

is encourage him!

and to do this, it's very simple, right.

My proposal,

Is that all warning signs across the country, we remove.

Replace them instead,

with vaguely motivational quotes.

Right!

Tiger cage has a sign says, 'Do not put your hand in the Tiger cage.' Remove that.

Put something abstract.

'It is magical to shake hands with a Tiger.'

Attribute the quote to Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam.

Most quotes have been attributed to him anyway.

You see electrified fences, right? Live wires.

There's a sign there, it says, "Do not touch."

These are the wrong three words.

What it should say is, 'Try it out!'

See what happens.

On a train, on our local trains there's a lady who makes an announcement, Right!

She say's, 'It is dangerous to travel on roof.'

Remove it.

Re-record it with her,

singing 'chaiyya chaiyya' (Songs) instead.

(only 90s kids will applaud at this)

After the third chorus, people will have enough room to sleep on a Virar fast train.

I understand this has got a little bit dark right now.

I understand, what you guys are thinking, I'm

self aware, I know what you guys are thinking.

You guy's are looking at me and you're saying,

that, 'This is a Muslim man standing on stage.

advocating mass murder.' I realize, it sounds bad.

I realize this.

At this point, I'm

Six months of bad beard growth away from

sounding like Dr. Zakir Naik. I realize this.

(fans of IRF being appreciative)

But I can't help it, dude,

I'm sure this happens

to you guys as well, right, you just wake up in the morning just,

from the wrong side of bed, and you just wish

just wish,

that magically half the population, while you were

asleep had just painlessly dissappeared. Right?!

Like the Avengers movie, right, Infinity War?

Yeah, Thanos!

He realized, there's too many people in the world.

Not enough resources, he got his gauntlet,

snapped his fingers, half the population disappeared.

And I was watching that movie I was like, "What a nice happy ending!

Why are people crying? Are you guys mad?"

The only people who had a problem with Thanos's plan

were the Avengers.

And, this is because, Avengers are super heroes.

And super heroes have two problems.

Number 1,

none of them have jobs.

Number 2, all of them can fly.

If Iron Man had to drive in peak traffic from Juhu to Lower Parel, everyday!

He would've welcomed Thanos with Pan Parag (Chewing tobacco).

(Baaratiyon losing their shit)

"Come come Thanos, I waiting for you only, come come."

"Yes, snap once, snap twice, no problem."

"Even I'll order it, will I find this gauntlet on Amazon?"

Subtle sponsor integration.

No man, but I didn't always have these dark thoughts in my head, you know.

I was a nice guy.

Made nice jokes.

I know, lot of you guys are thinking,

"We came here after watching the Gujarat Tourism video, what is this

casual genocide?

I know.

and I used to be a nice guy right, but something happened in my life

earlier this year,

I had my first tax audit.

and it was 28th September, I went my C.A., you have to

pay tax under Audit on 30th September.

I went my C.A. on the 28th, I saw the numbers,

I was like, Fuck! I have to pay this amount of tax?

I was depressed, dude.

I went, I sat in my car, I was sitting looking

outside, looking at the road outside, I was like

fucking, this road I have paid for.

It should be named after me, who's this Pedder?

Aslam, he doesn't pay tax.

He's cutting me off on his Activa.

I have to brake to save his life.

Dude for the amount of tax I pay, I should

legally be allowed to drive with two hands in the air.

Fuck you! Fuck all of you! This is my road.

I will not steer, you jump out of the way.

And a lot of times I think

that, even Salman was thinking the same thing.

(fans of drinking and driving going wild)

I told you, you wouldn't see it coming.

Because this is my conspiracy theory.

That the A1 bakery incident also happened on 28th September 2002.

I think he had just got the news.

Went to his C.A., C.A. was like, "Dude, you'll have to pay 5 crores of tax.

Salman did 3 lines of coke.

Got in the car, "This footpath is mine. Fuck off!"

That's why dude, like I get very

upset, very insulted. when people come to me

as a Muslim man in this country. And they say,

"What have you done for this country?

You go to Pakistan."

I am like, "Bastard you refund 5 years of my tax. I will buy Pakistan."

(applause is heard in Pakistan)

I love this whole "Go to Pakistan" brigade.

This is what they do. They go to

Intellectuals,

Left liberals, Comedians, they go to all of these people,

and they say, "You go to Pakistan."

And I love how nobody has asked Pakistan

How they feel about this?

Like, even they have Immigration department.

We just assume that there's just this open

door policy for all rejected Indians.

A guy standing there, "Oh, you too? Come, come."

come come come.

Have you met Fawad.

(Ae applause hai mushkil)

But while I disagree with the targets

of these go to Pakistan statements,

I'm principally on-board with the idea of sending people to Pakistan.

Like, send all the useless people there.

And now this raises,

Two Problems,

number 1, how do we select the people to send to Pakistan.

We are sending them to Pakistan.

Number 1, how do we select them.

Number 2, how do we get Pakistan to accept these people.

Let me tell you.

Number 1, how do we select them? Simple, Democracy.

Right

Go to every neighbourhood, every constituency in the country.

And ask the people, "Who is the biggest Idiot in this colony?

Vote!"

If you win the election you have lost at life.

And you can't, even if you're elected you can't protest.

You can't be like, "What did I do, I did nothing." They're like,

"We have the data.

3000 people have called you an idiot.

Amitabh Bachchan said, "Get lost, dumbfuck!" to you."

"So, you, justifiably go to Pakistan.

Do you have any last wish?"

"Sir, I want to do wheelie on the activa, only once. That's all."

"What is your name? Aslam. I see."

That's solved.

Now number two, how do we get Pakistan to accept these people.

What we do is, that we put all the people

that we rounded up

on a giant ship.

And we name this ship,

Kashmir.

So we call up Pakistan.

Like, "Bro Pakistan?

Do you want Kashmir?"

Like, "Yes, ofcourse."

"Okay, you'll get it in 3 days."

3 days later he calls back, "What the fuck who are these people you've sent, dude?!

These people got off the boat they are terrorising our civilians."

Like, "Well, now you know what that feels like."

(applause of patriotisim)

"Yes, I'm still here, people were clapping.

And this is the power of Aslam without guns.

You think that's bad? Next week MSG's devotees are coming.

Enjoy."

Even this Kashmir situation, I've solved it many times in my head.

This is also the second best solution.

Number 1 solution is that Kashmir should neither go to India nor Pakistan.

It should remain autonomous.

and to do this we just rename it from Kashmir to Subway.

Then both sides will be like, 'No, no I don't want Subway, you keep it.'

(fans of sandwiches rejoice for world peace)

I have these thoughts in my head. I feel like human beings

we're a very overrated species.

Like, we're very selfish.

We make everything about us.

Everything!

It has to be about us, like,

as individuals.

You even see, like..

Facebook now has this new feature which is the,

'Mark yourself safe' feature. You've seen that right?

Whenever there's a..

Natural disaster, terrorist attack, you get a notification saying,

XYZ person, has marked themself safe.'

And have you noticed that the people whose names pop up in that notification,

are the same people who,

if they died you wouldn't mind.

Now you're doubly disappointed.

Fucking terrorist attack happened, he's still alive.

Call up the terrorist, "Finish the job."

Like the people who pop up over there are the same people who,

If you see them in public, you hide and walk away.

You mark YOURSELF safe from them in real life.

One species in the world that I absolutely cannot stand,

Is birds.

You think of all other species in the world, right?

They all serve a purpose.

You think of Lions, Tigers, predatory animals,

they lend balance to the food chain. Serve a purpose.

Think of Cows, right? Cows are very nice animals.

Cow is such a nice animal, wow! -Aww!

What a cow, what a wow! Superb! Amazing!

Great! No complaints about cows. Cows are very good.

No, no, cows are very good, no.

Yes, we should applaud for cows. Yes!

(forced nationalism ensues)

Cows are very nice, they, they give milk.

They give right wing nationalists a purpose to life. They're good animals.

But, birds.

All birds do, is shit.

They shit on you, they shit on your car, they shit on your property

and they fuck off!

And you can do nothing about this.

But these people come to me,

these bird apologists.

The defenders of bird rights.

#NotAllBirds

#MePoo

(applause for equal rights for birds)

They come to me they say, "No Azeem, no,

birds do more, okay? Birds help in pollination."

All that means is that they're pimps for flowers.

Goin to the flower saying, "Do you want seeds?

I'll seed, you leech we'll become a Torrent together.

Beautiful.

Joke for six piracy enthusiasts.

But, I don't want to,

like upset people, I understand lots of people are very passionate about birds,

and lots of people,

they take binoculars, go into the forest to look at birds it's a very common hobby.

It's called 'Loneliness.'

Oh my god! What a shit hobby to have, dude.

Birdwatching?!

And they always tell you,''I'm an avid birdwatcher, avid."

They have to add an adjective to their hobby to make it sound fun.

That's how shit it is.

Because without that, what is birdwatching?

"This is bird, I have watched"

"Flew from here to there, shat on my head, best day ever"

I've realised that people who watch birds,

and people who watch golf as a sport, are the same people.

Because, birdwatching and golf watching at a core level are the same

It's the process of watching nothing happen very slowly.

Also, I don't understand these idiots who want to feed birds

You've seen those maniacs going around throwing seeds for birds.

You see them at that Dadar Kabutar Khana. (Pigeon Feeding)

National Tatti (Shit) Capital of India.

Throwing seeds for birds,

like if you're throwing seed at the bird,

and attacking it, I'm with you. Very good idea.

But why are you feeding birds?

This is counter productive.

Because, by feeding birds, all you're doing is providing ammunition,

to the enemy.

Because that same seed is coming back,

to your car,

with compound interest.

I was reading an article on an online forum,

It said, the average pigeon shits,

48 times in a day!

I shit you not.

48 times! Listen if you do anything,

48 times in a day.

That's a full time occupation, alright?!

This shitting is not a hobby anymore.

I think there's a corporate machinery in the bird world.

The pigeons are the corporate slaves.

And they have been given targets.

They've been told, "You shit 48 times,

In exchange you get to build a nest on this guy's AC"

This is the housing plan, that they've been offered.

That's why you see, pigeons, they are the most

charged up, motivated birds in the world like they're on cocaine. Like,

(frighteningly terrible act-out of pigeons)

Charged up!

They achieve their target they say, "Wohoo!" that's what the sound means.

You and me, we see a car,

but a pigeon sees performance incentive.

Sometimes you see a car that's plastered with shit, back to front.

That - month end pressure.

And in this corporate bird world,

in this corporate machinery there has to be has to be a head bird, a CEO

bird, leader of all birds and for me that bird had got to be a crow.

Cause crows are sly motherfuckers dude.

Crows have a plan to ruin your life.

Like you look at a car...

If there is a shit on the windshield.

That's a pigeon.

Pigeon has no plan.

Pigeon has target

But when there is shit

on your car door handle.

(victims of bird droppings unite as one)

That's a fucking crow.

Because crow has done market research.

Crow knows what you pisses you off.

Look at the shit. Look up. Crow's staring back. "Whats up mother fucker?"

"Just chilling" Two sparrows giving him a blowjob one the side

"What's happenin' playa?"

"Shit's goin' down, you want some seeds brotha?"

This is the biggest problem that I have with bird is that birds

Are the only species in the world

that can shit on you.

From an elevation.

No other species, has a horse ever shat on you from the third floor? No!

If anyone has arguments, I'm willing to hear them.

They shit on you and fly away, no consequences,

We are so helpless.

We can do nothing. We are so helpless that in some point in our history

We had to convince ourselves.

That when a bird shits on you, It's good luck.

No other explanation.

They shit on you and fly away, no consequences.

I want this ability dude.

I think this is a super power.

I think.

This was the original first draft of Superman.

Which explains a long last why the underwear is outside.

All the superman comics, people see

Superman from a distance, What's the first question they ask?

"Is it a bird?"

Now you know

Second joke. That's just for me.

I honestly believe that if birds could not fly.

We would've killed all of them.

I think the flying was added by nature, later

to circumvent the design flaw of the shitting.

I think earlier they were just feathery blobs, just running

around shitting everywhere. Humans were like (stabbing) dead.

Nature was like, "Okay. Fly now"

You look at examples from history right?

Dodo.

Flightless bird.

Fucking extinct, dude.

And the people come to you and say, "No, no, dodo

went extinct because of the carelessness of man."

No, no. Man knew what he was doing.

He's was like, "Fucking Dodo is back on my property again"

"Fuck off, Dodo!"

This was the first Dodo that ever flew.

(audience is enthralled by Dodo genocide)

Other flightless birds you look at, right?

Chickens.

Can't fly. We were like "Fuck it we'll eat all of them"

They kept coming back. We said "Eat them before they are born"

Ostriches, you look at Ostriches. We couldn't catch them, they run very fast.

We decide to shame them from a distance.

Like, "Shame on you, Ostrich! Shame on you!"

Ostrich got embarrassed and put its head underground.

(only Kanan Gill found this funny)

Remaining flightless birds.

Emus, Kiwis, Rheas, Cassowaries.

Those we put in geography textbooks.

For children to learn that these are still left for us to kill

We were told this romantic story about the Wright brothers.

You know the Wright brothers

Built the first airplane to take mankind to the skies.

Very romantic but.

I have an alternate theory here

I do not think the Wright Brothers were pointing to the sky saying,

We'll go there.

No. No they were pointing to the crow in the tree

saying, "Wait mother fucker. I'm coming. Wait."

We've reached the point in the show now where

I have to tell you about my personal problems.

You've paid money. So now listen.

So, I've been married now for 5 years.

And, me and my wife are very in love with each other. Like disgustingly.

In love with each other.

Thank you wife's sister. Right.

But like in any relationship we have our share of ups and downs.

fights and battles all, of that.

And, I have realized that I win most of them.

Because there is a very important factor over here.

I have a lot of sympathy for my wife because

she is not married to a regular person.

She's married to a comedian.

This changes the game entirely.

Because see, when you are

married to a regular person, and fight with a regular person

A regular person will take all the stupid shit you say in this fight.

File it away.

And use it

to win a future argument.

But comedian,

will take all the stupid shit that you say,

File it away.

And then tell it to strangers for money.

(aforementioned strangers applaud)

And if the strangers laugh, you've lost the argument forever.

It's true man, me and my wife, we've reached a weird point

in our relationship where my wife now has dreams about me.

And whenever she has dreams about me, it's never anything positive.

It's never like, 'Oh, he bought a house.' No,

It's always, 'He forgot my birthday because he's a drug addict.'

The other week, my wife had a dream in which I was

cheating on her.

She awoke from this dream and she was upset.

With me.

For her dream.

I was like, how is this fair?

I was here.

In this bed.

With you.

Asleep.

Having my own dream about cheating on you. So, what....

No no. I could never cheat on my wife. Never.

But,

I've thought about it. The thought has crossed my mind.

And there is no human being in a commited relationship who can

look me in the eye and say that you haven't had this thought

fleetingly somewhere.

And some people have this thought more often than others.

They called men.

Right?

And I dont think I can speak on behalf of women.

But on behalf of men let me tell you women,

Something about the men that you are here with today.

This is where it gets awkward.

This is where the drive back home gets very awkward.

Ladies you should know

that every married man,

at any given point of time

in his head,

is planning an affair,

that he is NEVER going to have.

But he is planning it anyway.

For recreational purposes.

And whenever I do this bit, there are always pockets of silence across the room.

And that is the collective sound of all the

married men with their wife shitting themselves.

"Dude, we had one secret. Why you're saying all this in public?!"

I almost have admiration for people who have affairs.

How do you guys find the time?

I can barely go jogging in the morning,

He's running a parallal family. Wow!

I tip my hat to you, sir.

For your time management.

Can't cheat my wife dude.

And honestly because I've invested too much into this relationship.

I've put a lot of work in it.

And to throw it all away for an affair for a something as trivial as sex

makes no sense to me. Because let me tell you from a young age

I had to work on my personality.

Alright.

To find a woman

who would like me in a pre-Tinder era.

After that, successfully faked many many opinions.

So that she would have sex with me.

Faked more opinions so that her parents would like me.

Spent all my savings on a wedding to feed

five hundred relatives I didn't know I had.

Give all of that away for an affair

and in exchange get what? One slightly different orgasm?

I think not.

Listen I have minus four power on my glasses

I can barely see who I'm fucking. It makes no difference.

(appreciation of blurry coitus)

But once you have been married for a long enough

in this country, married people you will know that

after three or four years of your married life

you start getting pressure from relatives.

Start telling you to do things but they don't

tell you what it is that you have to do.

Because when it comes to sex, we must speak in code.

In random family gatherings there will be one aunty

who'll appear out of nowhere like a ninja.

She was not there before. She just somersaults into frame.

It's been three years.

Do it!

One uncle comes from this side.

It's grandpa's dying wish!

I'm like I dont like grandpa that much anyway.

I killed him six jokes ago.

If he dies unfulfilled, I could not give a shit.

But then,

Something changed, right.

My mom came to me couple of months ago gave me this entire

Ted talk about life.

She came to me, she was like

Azeem, it's time.

You're old enough. You are 30 now.

Don't you think you and your wife, You had a new bundle of joy,

a new soul in your lives to bring you both closer together,

take your relationship to the next level, start a family, make us all proud.

And I was like,

okay that sort of broke through to me right!

and I went to my wife and I was like,

"It's been three years

We should do it.

Are you ready?" And to my surprise my wife said, "I'm ready."

And it's a big deal for me to announce this but over the last couple of months

me and my wife, we've actually started trying. Its a huge deal. Yeah.

Oh, thank you. Genuinely.

Yes.

We've started trying

to have a threesome

and

I mean I don't even want to do it, dude. It's family pressure. What can I say?

So any of you know somebody who's interested, we're auditioning next week.

So let us know.

And I want you guys to understand I'm not doing this for myself.

This is an entirely selfless act.

It's grandpa's dying wish!

Ladies and gentlemen, you guys have been absolutely fantastic.

Thank you so much.

(100% organic standing ovation)

Thank you.

Thank you. Genuinely. This means the world to me. Thank you so much.

Good night.

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