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Ladies and Gentlemen,
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Azeem Banatwalla!
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(audience cheering)
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(audience still cheering)
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(FFS why won't audience stop cheering?)
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Okay okay, shut up, shut up!
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We got a show to do!
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Alright! Cool. Let’s do this.
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As may, many of you may or may not
know, my name is, Azeem Banatwalla.
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I am a, cool guy.
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I hang out at cool places.
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Like Café Coffee Day.
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And people, they say a lot of shit
about CCD, you know people say,
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“CCD is fuckall, this and
that, coffee is bad.”
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But I’ve been there
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and bathroom was very clean.
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And really, that’s the only
reason why anyone goes to CCD.
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CCD at this point is a 'Public Toilet'
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with Hotel Management degree.
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When I went to CCD last week,
to use the bathroom, obviously.
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And came out I saw that behind
the counter, serving
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coffee to people was a
white guy working at CCD.
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I was like wow, white guy at CCD
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this Brexit is damn serious dude!
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He had a name tag, it said "Dave",
Dave is working at CCD, I was like, wow!
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And obviously, being a brown man seeing a
white person in my natural environment.
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I had to speak to him
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So, I went up to Dave,
but half way through walking
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to Dave I realized
he's not a white guy.
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He's an Albino.
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And my life's dreams were shattered.
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I went, I was like,
"Dave, What happened?
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He was like,"Mazha naav Dave
aahe." (My name is Duh-vey)
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"Coffee pahije ka?"
(Do you want coffee?)
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I changed my order from flat
white to espresso, immediately.
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I always start the show
with that stupid ass joke,
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to lower your expectations.
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Because, anything remotely
smart I say after this,
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you'll be like,"Wah! Kya kavi hai yeh!"
(What a poet this man is!)
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00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,240
But, this is my new show. I was
inspired to write this show,
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by the rapper, Eminem. Yeah?!
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No fans of Eminem? Alright, cool.
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He didn't come to me directly
and say, "Write this show!"
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But I was inspired by his work.
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Because to me, Eminem is a genius.
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He's an absolute genius, because he has
to be the only musician in the world,
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who through his music, managed
to make millions of people,
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memorize his life's problems.
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00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,520
Dude, I don't know where my life is going.
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But, know everything about Eminem's.
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You can wake me up in the
middle of the night,
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I will give Eminem
entrance exam, on the spot.
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No, genuinely. I feel, like I
know Eminem on a personal level.
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I know how he reacts, for instance,
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to getting nervous, I know
that when Eminem's nervous,
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His palms are sweaty,
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knees weak, arms are heavy. There's
vomit on his sweater already. I know this.
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(Eminem fanboys reminiscing fondly)
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Don't trust, mom's spaghetti.
I know this.
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But all of Eminem's
songs, if you listen to them,
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they all have very hardcore
problems in the songs.
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Always like,"I'm a drug
addict, my wife left me,
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my mom hates me."
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It has to be a really hardcore
problem to be an Eminem song.
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Which leads me to believe, that there must
be an entire rejected catalogue of songs
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with problems, that weren't
just not good enough.
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Like, he's in the studio recording,
"I ordered noodles,
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they sent me rice instead
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my life sucks."
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Dr. Dre's on the side like,"No, no,
this ain't goin' on the album."
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"But, what do we do with these lyrics Dre?"
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"Don't worry, I have
another rapper who can use them."
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"Hello, Baba Sehgal?!
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Got a new song for you."
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Lovely.
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But Eminem is my inspiration,
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and what Eminem effectively does is that,
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he tells people his
problems and makes money.
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So, I was like, even I
will do the same thing.
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So, this show is my problems
in exchange for your money.
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Enjoy!
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Now, in the course of this show I'm gonna
tell you a lot of my problems.
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I'm going to solve a lot of problems,
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In the course of this show, I'm going
to solve the Ram Mandir issue.
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(nervous Woo-ing)
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I'm going to solve the Kashmir Issue.
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No, trust me. I will.
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In the course of this show, there will
be two jokes that you won't find funny.
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Those jokes are there just for me.
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00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,360
There will be one joke about Salman Khan
which you won't see coming.
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00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,240
And there will be one point in the show
where most of you'll think I'm an asshole.
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00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,560
But, then in the next line you'll
be like,"Wow, this guy is a genuis."
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So, should we start the show, yeah?
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(cheers, because no choice)
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So,
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Problems. The biggest problem
in my life right now,
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is that, I find myself in a very
weird position in my career.
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When most of my fans are 16 year olds.
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And I cannot stand any of them.
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Dude, 16 year olds are so annoying,
they're just so smug, showing off
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about some app or the other.
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"I have a new app to improve my grammar."
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"It's called Grammar.ly."
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Fucker! When we were growing up
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we called it school.
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Illiterate fuck!
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Very entitled, these 16 year olds.
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They send me messages on
social media, on Instagram.
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They said,"Bro cannot
make it for your show.
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I have exams.
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Can you postpone your show?"
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Fucker! You prepone your life no?
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16 year olds, can't stand.
17 year olds, I can tolerate.
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Because if you're 17 that
means you're born in a year
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that starts with
19-and-something
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And this is data, that my brain
can process.
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Like, I see all these date of birth 2003,
one shudder goes down my spine.
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Fuck! How is this Legal?
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But 18 year olds, I have some
amount of respect for,
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because when you turn 18, that means
you have responsibility.
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Because when you turn 18, you
get from the government, the catalogue of
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four new powers that
you didn't possess before.
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You get the power to drink,
You get the power to drive,
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you get the power to vote,
you get the power to fuck.
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All very good powers. What's interesting
about these powers,
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Is that you can only, legally,
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use one of them at a time.
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Drinking while driving, illegal.
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Fucking while voting, definitely illegal.
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Look at the other permutations and
combinations,
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fucking while driving, illegal.
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Driving while voting, impossible.
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Voting while drinking, sometimes I think
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that's what happened in 2014.
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(anti-nationals cheering)
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(deport them now)
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Which finally leaves you
with fucking while drinking,
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which, while legal, results tend to vary.
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But out of all these
powers, when you are 18,
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driving is the most important
out of all of these, right.
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See, Because to drink, you need money.
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To vote, you need opinions.
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To fuck, you need game.
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And at 18, you have none of these things.
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But at 18 you do have access to
your dad's car and
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once we as guys have access to this
dad's car.
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We truly believe that this
car is a chick magnet.
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We believe from the bottom
of our hearts. That this car,
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this Maruti Zen,
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Estilo. Pink color.
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Holds the key to infinite sex.
We believe this.
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We roll down the windows, play loud music
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that is our mating call.
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But it does help to have a car,
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In this sort of 18 to 22 dating
kind of age.
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Because, It gives you a place,
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If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend
where you can make out.
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Which in this country is, prime property.
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Yes.
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But making out in the car, some
of you'll have done it before
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this does come with its share of
logistical problems.
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Chief of these being, that in this
country, Police catches you.
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Because this is India.
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And in India no car can compete
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with Sanskar. (culture)
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(fans appreciating clever wordplay)
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Car, Sanskar.
This is the hierarchy.
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And, everytime we'd
get caught making out.
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I keep thinking, Police dosen't
have any other work?
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I think, the police they just go
everynight from car to car,
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"Aye, who's making out?
Who's making out?"
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"Hey! What's happening?"
"Sir, nothing kidnapping, kidnapping."
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"Okay, okay. Carry on, carry on.
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Just don't make out with
the victim, please."
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Guy comes to you, right.
When you're making out,
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knocks on the window,
then says those four words,
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that strike fear into the heart of
every 18 year old in this country,
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which are not, 'You are under arrest.'
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That you can deal with. But,
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"Baap ko phone laga!" (Call your father)
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Obviously, I never had to call my dad.
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Because I had my own four words to
get out of this situation.
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Which is,"Yeh lo Paanch sau."
("Here's five hundred bucks")
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Because again, this is India.
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And in India, Car, Sanskar,
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Bhrashtachar (Corruption).
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(Wordplay appreciation level 1000000)
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And what a weird situation this is,
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I have to pay police 500 to
make out with my girlfriend.
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Feels like he's a pimp
in my relationship.
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Dude, after the 5th time
we got caught making out,
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I started suspecting my girlfriend.
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00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,840
I was like, 'She's
involved with the police.'
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The moment I leave they split 250, 250.
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00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,200
Making a fool out of me,
that's what I thought.
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00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,080
But after many years of
research, me and my girlfriend.
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00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,400
We researched and found
a foolproof method,
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00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,320
to make sure that no police can catch
you while making out in the car.
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00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,840
And this method I will
share it with you.
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00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,360
It is to get married.
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00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,560
They can't do shit, dude.
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00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,320
We got married. We started making
out in the car next day,
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just to fuck with cops.
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00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,880
Cop comes, sees us making out,
he's like, "Call your father."
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00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,000
I was like, "Take this
marriage certificate
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00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,240
and my phone, you call my father.
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00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:04,800
Checkmate.
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00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,000
He was so impressed.
He gave me 500 Rupees.
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00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,440
Plus, 1 rupee shagun (good luck).
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00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,720
But at 18, driving feels like the
most important power in the world.
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00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,160
But, when you grow
older, you turn 30,
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00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,440
like I have, you realize that actually,
voting, is the most important power.
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00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,360
And when you look at these 4 powers.
Drinking, driving, voting, fucking.
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00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,840
Out of them, only to
drink and to drive,
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00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,600
you require any form
of training or license.
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00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,320
Voting, fucking, figure it out yourself.
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00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,280
And there should be some screening,
especially for voting, and I feel,
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00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,760
this is the greatest beauty and
the greatest tragedy of
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00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,600
democracy which is that,
fucking anybody can vote.
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00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,160
Which I find this is a bit too much.
221
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,520
There should be some screening like,
even when you login to Gmail.
222
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,040
There is screening, you have
to press that captcha, right?
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00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,160
"Please, prove you are not a robot"
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00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,880
Click on it, they show you some
fuck all low resolution image.
225
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,080
Say, please click on all the
squares in which there is a car.
226
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,560
And you always get stuck on
this one last square,
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00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,360
where you're staring at 5 minutes,
like, "Is there even a car in this?"
228
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,440
"Is it a car or a dustbin, what is it?"
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00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:17,880
"What would a robot do?"
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00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,560
Sometimes you fail the test, you're
like, "Fuck! I'm a robot now."
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00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,120
Life is a lie.
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00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,320
You turn back your
parents are standing,
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00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,240
"We were waiting for the
right time to tell you.
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00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,920
Our entire family is gadgets.
235
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,720
The Father is an iPhone,
I'm a type-writer."
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00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,640
All of this you do just to login to Gmail.
237
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:39,680
But for voting, no screening. .
All of this you do just to login to Gmail.
238
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,320
But for voting, no screening. .
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00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,760
I think evenfor voting
there should be a captcha
240
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,960
Just before you walk into
the polling booth,
241
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,080
there should be a button you press,
'Please prove you're not a dumbfuck.'
242
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,440
Press the button then Amitabh Bachchan
appears,
243
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,000
"Come let's play, who
will create Democracy?"
244
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,480
For one vote, here is your question,
"Who's the chief of Indian Army?"
245
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,080
"Sunny Deol"
246
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,000
"Get lost, dumbfuck!"
247
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,520
I would pay money to watch that show.
248
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,440
Infact, I would pay 50 rupees everyday,
249
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,840
just to hear Amitabh Bachchan say,
250
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:16,760
"Get lost, dumbfuck!"
251
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,400
Genuinely.
252
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,120
But it does impact, voting
impacts the power of your life.
253
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,920
It impacts your wellbeing and it
impacts your mental health,
254
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,240
like the state of the
roads, the infrastructure,
255
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,200
is fucking with my head, dude.
256
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,560
I have started getting emotionally
attached to potholes.
257
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,760
No, because I've seen them grow from a
young age.
258
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,800
(crowd appreciates clever analogy)
259
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,960
(strange moaning man
reacts to clever analogy)
260
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,200
I go away for 3 weeks. I come back,
261
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,360
I'm proud, I'm like, "You've
grown up so big, wow!
262
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,680
Get him married with the speed breaker."
263
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,400
'Cause, I find it very hard to live
in this city, man.
264
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,760
Most like cities that we live in,
265
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,560
Like, this city Bombay specifically,
'Mumbai' specifically,
266
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,840
for Shiv Sena purposes.
267
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,960
But Mumbai, specifically I
find it very hard to
268
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,720
live here because this
entire city is just one
269
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,480
apologetic Mad Max: Fury Road episode.
270
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,720
There is just devastation.
271
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,880
And a sign, that says 'Work in progress.
Inconvenience Regretted.'
272
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,000
And that sign is a lie.
273
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,960
Work in progress inconvenience
regreted, bullshit!
274
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,480
Out of those 4 words only the
inconvenience is real.
275
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,040
Work, progress, regret, all imaginary.
276
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,480
Nobody gives a shit.
277
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,440
(crowd acknowledging
the bitter truths of urban life)
278
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,520
All across our city you see metro
barricades, metro construction,
279
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,720
even over there they put up this
lovely sign it says, 'Men at work.'
280
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,520
Has anyone seen these men?
281
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:55,720
(audience members have not seen these men)
282
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,400
Someone needs to tell the
government, men have fucked off.
283
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,120
Men have found new jobs.
284
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:03,920
Men are driving uber now.
285
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,640
(audience reminiscing about Uber strikes)
286
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,600
(migratory bird in audience
appreciating humour)
287
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,800
Sitting in the uber bitching about
metro only.
288
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,760
Circle of life
289
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,040
But if you have to admire the traffic
that we have in our cities.
290
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,720
Like there is, consistency
to the traffic.
291
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,120
Like you can have proper traffic
time table. I have realized.
292
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,960
So, 7 to 8 in the morning, is 'Kids
being dropped to school,' traffic.
293
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,640
Then, 8 to 9 is 'Regular
office rush hour,' traffic.
294
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,000
Then, 9 to 10 is 'People who are late
for the office rush hour,' traffic.
295
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,840
Then 10 to 11 is, 'Lazy start-up
founder rush hour,' traffic.
296
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,560
Then, 11 to 12 is traffic for fuck's sake.
297
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,440
Nobody knows why there is traffic.
298
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,200
I think all the people, who missed
out on the original traffic,
299
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,200
they get together they're like,
300
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,480
"Haven't been stuck in traffic since
a long time, let's have nostalgia traffic."
301
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,640
Next hour, 1 to 2pm, 'kids being
picked up from school traffic.'
302
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:58,960
Circle is complete.
303
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,960
And It's that kids being
picked up from school traffic,
304
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,280
is the one irritates me the most, right.
305
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,440
Because these days, parents are sending
cars to pick up their kid from school.
306
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,840
And not like, regular size Swift, i20.
No. No.
307
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,560
Fucking, Range Rover!
308
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:14,600
Mercedes Benz.
309
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,920
Your child is not that good, dude.
310
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,720
(agreement from all parents in audience)
311
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,000
(children cheering,
despite joke being on them)
312
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,360
Genuinely.
313
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,160
And it annoys me particularly,
314
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,120
because I grew up in an age
which I'm sure, lot of you did, where
315
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,680
to come back from school,
you had two options, right.
316
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,640
If your school was in walking distance.
You walked.
317
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,600
If not in walking distance.
You took the fucking bus.
318
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,480
If you missed the bus,
Fuck it. It's over.
319
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:42,960
Find a new home.
320
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,960
Dude, my parents didn't
even look for me man!
321
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,560
I missed the bus twice. I'm
on my third family now.
322
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,480
(Azeem's first family cheering)
323
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,280
(Azeem's second family cheering)
324
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:04,080
But, everywhere you go in
this country, you will see,
325
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,960
that there is hundered people
dancing on the roads somewhere.
326
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,240
Something or the other is going on.
327
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,240
Like, some festival or the other.
I, over time made my peace with this.
328
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,480
I was like, okay. There're certain
times in a year, certain festivals.
329
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,560
Where people are dancing on the road.
And this is a part of Hindu culture.
330
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,040
And as a secular Indian, I
must be okay with this.
331
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,560
But then, earlier this
year I saw during Eid,
332
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,480
even Muslims are dancing on the road.
333
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,320
I was like, this is a bit too much.
334
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,040
I have two problems with this, Muslims
dancing on the roads in a procession.
335
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,560
Two problems, number 1,
336
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,120
Us dancing on the road, goes
against one of our core rules,
337
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,240
which is that nobody is
supposed to have fun.
338
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,280
(audience having fun
because Muslims cannot)
339
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,000
And number 2, if you are dancing
on the road in a procession,
340
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,960
there needs to be an
idol to go along with that,
341
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,560
We don't have an idol!
342
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,280
Are you guys dancing with Atif
Aslam's photo, what are you doing?
343
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,560
(Ab to aadat si hai mujhko applause ki)
344
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,520
I was stuck in traffic, I
roll down the window asked
345
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,080
other guys, "Why're you dancing?" He was
like, "I don't know, it's too much fun.
346
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,800
They are serving Roohafza shots
inside, are you coming, bro?"
347
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,360
As if this was not enough.
348
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,560
Last year during Christmas, I see even
Christians are dancing on the road, now.
349
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,840
Wearing that Santa hat, Rudolph ears.
350
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:21,920
Dancing.
351
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,080
So I think, the religious
establishment in this country,
352
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,440
basically needs to recognize
that religious people,
353
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,600
basically just want to dance.
354
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,480
So to rectify this, I proposed that
all houses of worship.
355
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,520
Which is Churches, Temples,
Mosque, all of them should
356
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,760
just have a dance floor
built into the premises.
357
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,400
After that, do whatever you want,
Have a religious rave party.
358
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,280
All the idols are standing
there like this anyway,
359
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,880
put one lever, they can also
bounce with the music along with you
360
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,720
(blasphemous applause)
361
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,800
(we're all going to hell)
362
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:53,760
But I get in a trouble, you know
363
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,520
for saying these kind of
things like bitching about the
364
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,320
infrastucture and
people of this country.
365
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,280
Like, specifically when I
complain about the roads
366
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,280
people come to me and say, "You
shouldn't say all this stuff."
367
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,280
We're a third world country. We
have to accept these things,
368
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,760
It's okay. Don't talk about it.
369
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,200
I'm like, see for any
government, for any country,
370
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,600
I honestly believe that
one rule should apply.
371
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:09,640
Which is that, If you
cannot give good roads, I honestly believe that
372
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,400
Which is that, If you
cannot give good roads,
373
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,160
then you have to give freedom of speech.
374
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,800
Out of the two, minimum
one you have to give.
375
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,840
Like you look at Dubai.
376
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,680
No freedom of speech, but amazing
roads, everyone's happy.
377
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,960
Get upset with the government,
go for a drive on good roads.
378
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,520
Come back, you are not upset anymore.
379
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,360
But I started to get a bit disillusioned
with life in this country,
380
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,120
over the course of the past year,
381
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,480
and I was like, let's go abroad and
see what, first world life is like.
382
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,880
So I went earlier this year,
I went to Melbourne,
383
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,040
to perform at the Melbourne
comedy festival. Lovely experience!
384
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,360
And... yeah, thank you.
385
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,960
Yeah, okay. It's alright. It's over now.
386
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:53,560
No, but I went there,
387
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,360
and you go to cities like Melbourne,
you see the problems they have,
388
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:57,640
they're so cute, dude!
389
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,080
Adorable! I was sitting in a cab,
in Melbourne at a traffic signal.
390
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,520
The cab driver is getting upset.
391
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,440
Because, there's 10 cars in front of him
392
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,160
and he thinks this is traffic.
393
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:11,920
I was like, Aww!
394
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,720
Dude! If you saw in Mumbai,
395
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,200
only 10 cars in traffic
in the middle of the day
396
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,280
forget happy, you would be worried, like,
397
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,400
'Where'd all the people go, bro? Fuck!"
398
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,600
The apocalypse is here,
399
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,680
My Zomato Gold got wasted, shit!
400
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,560
But whenever you talk about
Australia, in the Indian context
401
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,000
there is always been one word
buzz word that always popped up.
402
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,280
Which is, racism.
403
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,520
There's always been a big racism problem
in Australia, pertaining to Indians.
404
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,000
and to their credit,
the Austrailian people
405
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,560
did manage to find a
solution to this problem.
406
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,720
and the solution was not
to get rid of racism.
407
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,040
It was to get better at it.
408
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,640
Because, why give up something you love?
409
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,720
They're professionals dude,
we would, especially when
410
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,680
you go to interior Austrailia,
the outback, right.
411
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,880
We were performing there,
touring, going to small towns.
412
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,640
First of all, we went to one town,
413
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,680
which had a population of 1050.
414
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,520
Which again as an Indian,
blows your mind entirely.
415
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,160
Entire population expressed in four
digits.
416
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,640
How is this possible?
417
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:28,280
Dude, I have seen 1050
people on a BEST bus.
418
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,360
and those were just the guys on the roof.
419
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,400
But, we went to this small town, right.
420
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,320
And after the show there was 3 or
4 comedians performing together
421
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,880
typically we would take pictures with the
audience after the show
422
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:45,720
and
423
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,160
after the show, this one old
white Australian lady came
424
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,720
and she said, she wanted a
picture with me, only me.
425
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,040
And I was flattered, I was like, Wow!
She is appreciating my art.
426
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,080
This is very nice.
427
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,480
And she came, she took a selfie,
428
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:57,760
clicked it.
429
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,280
Looked at it, just very happy.
430
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,440
Then she looked at me,
she said, "Thank you.
431
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,600
You're the first Muslim I've ever seen."
432
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,160
and she fucked off!
433
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:10,920
First of all.
434
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,200
What is this hybrid racism?
435
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,320
When you say somthing racist and
thank you in the same sentence?!
436
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,600
Secondly, what a bitch!
437
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,680
This is like some bucket
list item for her.
438
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,520
She is taking this photo, you know
showing her grandchildren,
439
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,520
"You'll never believe what I saw today.
A Muslim!"
440
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,320
Learnt Hindi also apparently on the way
441
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,840
We went to an another small town in
Australia, even after that show.
442
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,720
Another old white
Australian lady came to me.
443
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,480
I think it's mainly the
old white Australian
444
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,800
ladies who are spreading the racism.
445
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,680
and she came to me, after
the show, slightly drunk.
446
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:52,600
She came to me, she's like, "You know,
447
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,120
there's a petrol station down the road.
448
00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,440
Couple of Indian guys work there.
449
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:01,960
You should go!
450
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,400
You might know them."
451
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,000
I was like, of course, because that is the
entire population of India.
452
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,600
Me and those two guys. Yes!
453
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:20,120
Absolutely, "It will be great fun
when, we 3 friends sit together."
454
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,680
You, me and ignorance.
455
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,000
I love that tag line, though.
456
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,320
Aap, main aur Bagpiper. Remember that?
(You, me and Bagpiper)
457
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,320
I think that's the only good thing
about that whiskey.
458
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,760
I think Bagpiper has got to be the
worst named whiskey in the world.
459
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,880
Like, you think of other whiskeys,
Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker.
460
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,880
All of these sound like people you'd
want to hangout with, at some point.
461
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,280
Even Black Dog will become
your friend eventually.
462
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,880
Who wants to hangout
with a Bagpiper, dude?!
463
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,480
Nobody looks at Bagpiper and says,
"This is my true friend."
464
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:55,000
No.
465
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,040
Bagpiper is the lowest musician on
the musical food chain, you know.
466
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,400
Him and that guy who does the
shake shake with the salt shaker,
467
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,120
they're at the same level.
468
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,640
If anyone comes to me and
says, "You, me and Bagpiper."
469
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:06,480
I'd say, "No.
470
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,240
Only you and Bagpiper."
471
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,920
Count me out, I'm with guitarist.
472
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,680
This is the first joke
which is only for me.
473
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:16,520
But then I was in Australia.
474
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,480
And I was enjoying, this first world life,
this freedom of speech, a lot.
475
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:21,800
Too much, in fact.
476
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,760
I started doing radical things,
477
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:24,880
which I shouldn't have.
478
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,760
I decided while in Australia,
479
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,600
to record a video for Youtube
for Indian people to consume.
480
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,120
Very bad idea.
481
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,520
So, In this video some of
you would have seen it,
482
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,280
I was talking about
India and Australia,
483
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,560
comparing specifically
the healthcare system.
484
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,320
I was like where Australia's
healthcare is so advanced,
485
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,800
that they have fixed all the basic issues.
486
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:46,000
And now their number one priority
is to stop people from smoking.
487
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,240
And to do that they increase the price
of cigarettes by 12.5%, every year.
488
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,760
And I was like, wow,
hats off to you Australia!
489
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,080
I could never expect my
government back home in
490
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,520
India to do this, because,
we have other priorities.
491
00:24:58,720 --> 00:24:59,400
Because, we
492
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,760
are still trying to figure out how
to get people
493
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,000
to shit indoors.
494
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,040
Yeah.
495
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,600
Don't have the bandwidth for
this level of 'woke' just yet.
496
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,120
And you guys laugh at that,
497
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,040
you chuckle at that, that is
the appropriate response.
498
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:14,720
But people online here,
499
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,240
the trolls online, they
started coming to me,
500
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,800
they said, "Azeem you are going abroad
and misrepresenting the country."
501
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:20,920
I was like,
502
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,760
How is this misrepresentation?
503
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,960
I saw three people shitting
on Juhu beach today.
504
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:28,840
I know this because
505
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:29,800
I was one of them.
506
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,640
And this is not a misrepresentation.
I'll tell you.
507
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,840
This would be a misrepresentation. Right,
if I went to Australia, stood on a stage
508
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,400
and I said, "Oh yeah India is
amazing, there is no corruption
509
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,400
the infrastructure is brilliant, the
government is fantastic, the government
510
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,840
would never interfere in
the media or the judiciary,
511
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,080
in fact the government would
under no circumstances
512
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,680
hire a loud mouth
ego maniac fuck head.
513
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,360
To run a propaganda agency
masquerading as a news channel."
514
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,440
If I said that.
515
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,800
That would be, a misrepresentation.
516
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,280
What do you want me to do?
Go abroad and lie.
517
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,600
About what's happening in my country.
518
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:07,800
Not going to do that.
519
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,280
Because see there is already a job
description for somebody who goes abroad
520
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:12,360
and lies about the country.
521
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:18,840
(Fans of Kunal Kamra applauding)
522
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,320
And I'm not going to do his job for him.
523
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,200
I pay taxes for a reason
he can do it himself.
524
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,720
But you know people come to
me they say, "Oh you just
525
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,600
have nothing positive to
say about current government."
526
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,840
You just say there are good for nothing. I
disagree, they're good at a lot of things.
527
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,240
Just that running a secular
democracy is not one of them.
528
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:42,160
Good at a lot of things. They have very
good skills, they are good speakers,
529
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,160
writers, orators, they are very good at
advertising, marketing,
530
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:46,560
lynching all of these things.
531
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,040
skill is undeniable.
It's there, it's there.
532
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,160
(fans of lynching being appreciative)
533
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,160
And of course then there is the
534
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,760
lot of people have a criticism
of the man at the top
535
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,440
you know our "supreme leader".
536
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,800
No. But lot of people say that
537
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,480
you know all the decision he makes
are haphazard,
538
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,320
random, there is no thought
to what he is doing.
539
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,200
Here, I disagree. Here
I think there is a
540
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,320
foolproof method
which is being followed.
541
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,480
Which I think this is how it's works.
Which is that
542
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,200
basically whenever they need him
543
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,200
to make a decision
to make a choice.
544
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:24,320
They go to him
545
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,880
with a sheet of paper that has a
list of options on it.
546
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,080
In alphabetical order.
547
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,680
And he always chooses the first one.
548
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,160
They went to him, "Sir, who is going
to be your best friend?"
549
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:34,720
"Amit"
550
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,480
"Sir we need to tie up with some
businessmen can you choose one?"
551
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:40,200
"Sure. Adani"
552
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,520
"Choose one more?"
"Ambani"
553
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,400
(Laugh echoes from Antilla)
554
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,960
"Sir, Chief Minister of UP?"
555
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:46,720
"Adityanath"
556
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,280
"Sir, we need to buy a journalist"
557
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,400
"Arnab"
558
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:57,440
(Fans of unbiased news media
getting excited)
559
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,480
"Sir, campaign slogan?"
560
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:02,280
"Achhe din"
561
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:06,640
"Sir, finally one last question
"Who is your favourite God?"
562
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,920
"Allah" "Wait. What?"
"Trick question"
563
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:18,320
(appreciative applause from minorities)
564
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:22,040
But whatever you say
about him, I believe he is an honest guy.
565
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:23,920
He gives a honest
representation of himself
566
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:24,960
Like his speeches are very honest.
567
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,200
Like I remember that speech.
that he gave initially,
568
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:28,760
which is the 'Chowkidar'
(watchman), speech right?
569
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,720
"I'm the watchman of this nation"
570
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:33,120
I love that. I think
that is the perfect analogy.
571
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:37,480
Because when you think about it in your
life. In your experience in this country.
572
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:41,160
Have you ever seen a watchman
who was good at his job?
573
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:47,360
(laughter wakes up sleeping watchmen
in next building)
574
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,920
If Desh (Country) is the building
he is the Chowkidar (watchman).
575
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:53,840
Think about your building
watchman.
576
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:54,800
What are his key hallmarks?
577
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:55,400
Number 1,
578
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:57,200
He serves one or two families
579
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:58,360
that give more bakshish (donations).
580
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,560
(laughter from post Diwali sadness)
581
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,520
Number 2. He has a couple
of well trained pets
582
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,280
who they are, I'll leave to your
imagination.
583
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,120
And number 3 and most important,
584
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,120
which is that when you need the
watchman the most.
585
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:12,480
He is nowhere to be found.
586
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,840
(Waah Chowkidar Waah!)
587
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,240
Why?
588
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,000
Because he is in other building
chilling with their chowkidars (guard).
589
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:29,680
(audience enthusiastically appreciates
political satire)
590
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:32,440
It's a good joke I know.
591
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,760
But I hate the level of political
conversation we have in this country.
592
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:41,000
Right. You go to current government
you asked them questions about today.
593
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:42,360
Current. 2018.
594
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,800
They give you answers
from 70 years ago.
595
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:47,560
You'll say, why are fuel prices rising?
596
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:49,680
They say, because
Nehru smoked cigarettes
597
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,840
Does this make any sense.
You asked them for civics
598
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,560
They give you history. This is the
transaction that happens. Right?
599
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,720
Thank you, one
600
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:00,280
Giraffe, for laughing at that.
601
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:05,600
No. But that's genuinely
what happens right but
602
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,840
And a key
exponent of this behaviour
603
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:09,920
is the Yogi.
604
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,640
Yogi Adityanath.
605
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:13,880
I love him. Like he sound so cute.
606
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,120
Sounds like a cartoon
character. You know.
607
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:21,320
Like growing up we had that cartoon
Yogi Bear - smarter than the average bear.
608
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:22,920
I had hopes.
609
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,680
I saw Yogi Adityanath may be smarter
than the average Adityanath.
610
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:28,680
Did not turn out to be so.
611
00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:33,160
He became Chief Minister of UP. I was
expecting a game changing government.
612
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,360
It turned out be just a
name changing government.
613
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,880
(audience proving it has
collectively read newspaper)
614
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,120
Changed lot of names in UP. They
renamed Allahabad to Prayagraj
615
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:46,760
They renamed recession to Acche din.
616
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,240
Many things they have done.
617
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:52,480
But I love Yogi Adityanath.
618
00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:53,800
He gave my favourite political
619
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:55,680
speech of the decade.
620
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,000
This year standing in the UP bypolls.
621
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,120
He was standing talking to the people
of UP in complete seriousness.
622
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:03,320
Telling them, "Now you
have to take decision
623
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:04,560
what do you want?
624
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:06,200
Ganna (Sugarcane)
625
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:08,040
Or Jinnah?"
626
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:10,760
What?
627
00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:13,960
What options are these?
628
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:18,000
This is the Chief Minister of the largest
(by population) state in the country.
629
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,320
Man who cannot frame a realistic
multiple choice question.
630
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,400
Ganna (Sugarcane) or Jinnah?
631
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:30,920
One of them is a cash crop.
632
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,680
The other is a dead Muslim separatist.
633
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,360
You cannot substitute one for
the other in any circumstance.
634
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,600
Yogi Adityanath should never
open a juice center.
635
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:49,920
(fans of secular juice applauding)
636
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,440
You will go to him like, "Yogi today
I feel like a Ganna juice."
637
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:56,280
"Sir, today Ganna juice is out of stock,
today only Jinnah juice available.
638
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,720
You want it? We'll partition it
and serve to you one by two.
639
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:05,880
Sir, we have more options
would you like to try our
640
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,040
seasonal menu sir. What do
you want Peru (guava) or Nehru."
641
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:12,600
(fans of lit rhymes vibing out)
642
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,880
You'll be standing there going,
"Is this guy on ganja?"
643
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:18,280
Sir what do you
want, Ganja
644
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,480
or bhanja (nephew). Like fuck.
Shut up now.
645
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:29,480
But no matter how much you talk about
government, politicians all of that.
646
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,040
That's all in its place. But I
think the biggest problem and the
647
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,800
root of all our problems in this
country is overpopulation.
648
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,320
Because I dont know if you've been
outside but there are a LOT of people.
649
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:40,920
And genuinely like
650
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,120
It comes back to that same drinking,
driving, voting fucking thing. Right?
651
00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:44,840
To fuck (have a child)
652
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:46,080
Nothing.
653
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,000
No permissions, no screening required.
654
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,360
Now, let me tell you, I was reading
the article about this. Right.
655
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,400
It says that in 2018
656
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:53,880
To raise a child
657
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:54,480
Sorry
658
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:57,360
In 2018 to raise a good quality child
659
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,960
You need a minimum of 35 Lakhs
660
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:03,680
over 18 years to do it right.
661
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,160
Now if you go to any bank
662
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,800
today and ask them for 35 lakhs loan
they ask you
663
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:09,800
for shit to prove
that you can pay it back.
664
00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,320
Right they ask you for bank statements,
salary slip, Aadhar card Whatever.
665
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:12,920
They ask You..
666
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:15,800
But for voting, for fucking
667
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:16,800
Nothing.
668
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,800
No questions asked
which is why I believe even here.
669
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:20,880
Captcha,
670
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:21,720
required.
671
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:24,760
Press the button Amitabh
Bachchan appears again,
672
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,640
"Let's play who wants to
pay the school fees."
673
00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:31,320
"How many kids do you want?"
674
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:32,000
"Four."
675
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:34,320
"And how many rupees in
your bank account?"
676
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:35,160
"Four."
677
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:38,080
"Do you have anything else?"
678
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,320
"Aadhar card."
"Get lost, dumbfuck!"
679
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:48,320
The population explosion in this
country is out of control dude!
680
00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:50,880
Babies are just flying
out of vaginas,
681
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:52,920
like a machine gun.
682
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,200
Walk down the road random babies
flying into your face.
683
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:00,560
"Whose it this? Take it back!"
684
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,960
And on paper, the solution
to this seems simple. Right?
685
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:07,080
Birth control!
686
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,000
Government has been going
to people for decades
687
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,520
Please use condom.
Please take a condom.
688
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:13,480
Condom please.
689
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:15,520
Indian people are like no, no.
We don't need condom.
690
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,120
We have God. Thanks for asking.
691
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,040
I do yoga. I have control.
692
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:25,480
Can't leave it to the people that's why
693
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:27,160
China's been doing It the right way.
694
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:30,320
Until very recently in China you were
allowed one kid. That's it.
695
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,360
In China, government is the condom.
696
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:36,960
Can't fuck with them.
697
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:39,480
Go to them and say I
want to make a baby
698
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:41,040
they would be like fuck off!
You make iPhone.
699
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:45,480
Priorities.
700
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:50,120
Yeah.
701
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,200
But when you think about all of this,
702
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:53,760
boils down to religion.
703
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,040
Because in this country, what
does every religion preach
704
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:57,880
that a child is a blessing.
705
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,040
"Child is a blessing!"
706
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:02,560
No. No. It's not.
707
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,800
Every three weeks I get a message
from some idiot couple or the other
708
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:07,880
"We have been blessed with a baby boy"
709
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,440
No No you have been burdened
by society's expectations.
710
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:16,200
(birth control enthusiasts cheer)
711
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:20,320
Child is not a blessing dude.
712
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,920
No blessing requires you
to pay for its education.
713
00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,200
No blessing shits in a bed.
714
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,560
Like when you sneeze, somebody
says "God bless you"
715
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,320
that's a blessing, they
don't give you a child.
716
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,000
Like, "(sneeze),
here's a child, congrats"
717
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:41,480
But, I've realized after much
718
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:42,480
thought, I've realized,
719
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:44,800
that the solution to this
population problem is,
720
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:45,960
Baba Ramdev.
721
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:48,720
yeah.
722
00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:52,040
Because Baba Ramdev says
any shit, people believe it.
723
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:54,960
Sells any product people buy it.
724
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,280
The solution is right
in front of us, guys.
725
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:00,240
Patanjali condoms.
726
00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:03,600
(fans of badly groomed beards rejoice)
727
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:08,600
Just take a regular Durex condom,
add Gau Mutra, It is ready.
728
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:10,240
Yeah.
729
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,960
Patanjali presents Moo-rex condom, yes.
730
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,040
Now I see, some of you laughing, some
of you're on-board with this idea.
731
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:20,360
In some of your eyes,
732
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:21,320
I see doubt.
733
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:24,760
Lot of you are staring
at me saying, "Azeem,
734
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:26,440
this product and all is very nice,
735
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:27,920
but I have MBA degree.
736
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:31,920
I would like to know, how are you
going to market this product?"
737
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:34,240
Allow me to explain.
738
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:39,160
Right, so, what we do is, we
announce the Patanjali Moo-rex condom,
739
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,520
along with that, we
announce a competition.
740
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,000
Between, Hindus and Muslims.
741
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,160
And we say that, whichever group
over the next 20 years,
742
00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:49,680
uses more patanjali condoms,
743
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,200
gets to decide, once and
for all,
744
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:53,800
"Will a Mandir (Temple) be built
or a Masjid (Mosque)?"
745
00:36:54,240 --> 00:37:00,240
(applause is pending Supreme court verdict)
746
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:07,840
Problem solved, dude!
747
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:09,920
Two birds with one stone.
748
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:11,640
Because see, number 1,
749
00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:13,960
first, over 20 years of
people using condoms,
750
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:15,720
population will come back on track.
751
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:18,000
First problem solved. Secondly,
752
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:20,280
all the people who
currently, today are doing,
753
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,640
"I want a Temple" "I want
a Mosque." They'll be like,
754
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,000
"Fuck it, dude!
755
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,760
I've been getting laid for 20 years
756
00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,640
I don't care about this shit anymore,
you make whatever you want.
757
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,840
Mandir, Masjid, McDonald's
anything will do, no problem"
758
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:39,480
(fans of alliteration
banging together copies of Wren & Martin)
759
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:42,840
I've solved this thing
many times in my head,
760
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:45,440
this is also the second
best solution that I have.
761
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,480
Number one solution..
762
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,360
Is that, there should neither
be a Mandir nor a Masjid.
763
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,960
Instead over there, In
that place, open Subway.
764
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,200
Because, then everyone
is equally disappointed.
765
00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:04,800
Because, nobody in their
life has ever walked into
766
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:06,960
an outlet of Subway and
been like, "I won."
767
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:08,000
It's never happened.
768
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:11,040
This is what I believe man, but birth
control clearly is not happening,
769
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:14,280
and if we cannot use birth control
to fix the population problem
770
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:15,360
and we are going to fix it.
771
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:16,000
Today only.
772
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:19,080
but if you cannot use
birth control to do it.
773
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:20,560
Then, you have to move into,
darker territory
774
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:25,000
Which is to say, that if you cannot find
a way to control the rate of birth,
775
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:27,080
then, you have to find a way,
776
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:28,400
to accelerate,
777
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,000
the rate of death.
778
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,520
and see by accelerate death, I don't
mean just to walk into hospital
779
00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:37,760
and pull life support and
be like,"Bye, Grandpa, see you later
780
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:40,360
TTYL fam."
781
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:45,680
(audience makes collective laughing emoji)
782
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:49,080
Now see, all of you guys
have laughed at that,
783
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,400
and by that you have given
me your comedic consent.
784
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:56,040
Right!
785
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,280
So wherever this bit goes,
786
00:38:58,360 --> 00:38:59,440
you have to stay with me.
787
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:01,800
and it is going to go places.
788
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,000
We are in this together.
789
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:08,440
We talk about accelerating deaths.
790
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,000
I can think of a lot of candidates.
791
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:16,200
And I guarantee you that every single one
of you in your day-to-day life,
792
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:17,680
over the 24 hours
793
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:18,440
of your day,
794
00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:20,720
sees at least 3 people.
795
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:24,080
Where you look at them,
796
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:26,280
and there is a small,
797
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,920
very small subconscious voice
at the back of your head,
798
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:32,280
that looks at them,
799
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:33,680
and is like,
800
00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:34,720
"Why?"
801
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:45,720
"Why does he exist?"
802
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:48,680
All of you fucking do it, don't lie.
803
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,320
And we have many examples of
these people in our life.
804
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:54,280
Like, I know a guy,
805
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,080
a really stupid guy, his name Aslam.
806
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:58,760
He lives in dharavi which is A Slum.
807
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:04,240
Name is also his address, very convenient.
808
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:07,680
and everyone knows Aslam.
809
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:09,400
See, Aslam has no caste, creed, religion.
810
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:10,680
Aslam is a template.
811
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:12,520
Aslam is a concept.
812
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:15,360
Aslam is a state of mind.
813
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:19,880
Aslam is a prototype and all of us
have seen this prototype.
814
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,040
I think the best explanation
of the Aslam prototype,
815
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,600
I can give you is that Aslam is,
816
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:26,640
part time Salman fan / freelance eve teaser.
817
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:27,560
We've all seen him.
818
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:30,040
(audience is being human and laughing)
819
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:32,760
Aslam's
820
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,600
stretched career goal in life
821
00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:37,240
is that one day he wants to
do a wheelie on an Activa,
822
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,600
with 3 of his friends. That's
what he wants from life.
823
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,160
Aslam is a guy who goes to the zoo,
824
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:45,920
sticks his hand in the tiger cage, "Aye
tiger, here, have Tiger biscuit, haha!"
825
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:49,240
That's Aslam.
826
00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,520
and Aslam has no potential,
no scope in life.
827
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,240
but the good news is for us is that Aslam,
828
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:57,800
has stupid ideas,
829
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:00,800
which can put his life in danger.
830
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:03,920
All we have to do,
831
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:06,160
is encourage him!
832
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,960
and to do this, it's very simple, right.
833
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:13,760
My proposal,
834
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:16,440
Is that all warning signs
across the country, we remove.
835
00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:19,280
Replace them instead,
836
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:20,800
with vaguely motivational quotes.
837
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:22,600
Right!
838
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:26,480
Tiger cage has a sign says, 'Do not put
your hand in the Tiger cage.' Remove that.
839
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:28,840
Put something abstract.
840
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:30,720
'It is magical to shake
hands with a Tiger.'
841
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:37,480
Attribute the quote to Dr.
A.P.J. Abdul Kalam.
842
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:42,920
Most quotes have been
attributed to him anyway.
843
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,400
You see electrified fences, right?
Live wires.
844
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,520
There's a sign there,
it says, "Do not touch."
845
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:50,480
These are the wrong three words.
846
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,280
What it should say is, 'Try it out!'
847
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:57,560
See what happens.
848
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:02,400
On a train, on our local trains there's
a lady who makes an announcement, Right!
849
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:04,480
She say's, 'It is dangerous
to travel on roof.'
850
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:05,560
Remove it.
851
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:07,600
Re-record it with her,
852
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,120
singing 'chaiyya chaiyya' (Songs) instead.
853
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:14,320
(only 90s kids will applaud at this)
854
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:19,240
After the third chorus, people will have
enough room to sleep on a Virar fast train.
855
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:23,600
I understand this has got a
little bit dark right now.
856
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:24,920
I understand, what you
guys are thinking, I'm
857
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,560
self aware, I know what
you guys are thinking.
858
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:28,480
You guy's are looking
at me and you're saying,
859
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,640
that, 'This is a Muslim
man standing on stage.
860
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:34,680
advocating mass murder.' I
realize, it sounds bad.
861
00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:37,560
I realize this.
862
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:41,560
At this point, I'm
863
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:43,600
Six months of bad beard
growth away from
864
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:45,600
sounding like Dr. Zakir Naik.
I realize this.
865
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:52,080
(fans of IRF being appreciative)
866
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:55,120
But I can't help it, dude,
867
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,080
I'm sure this happens
868
00:42:57,120 --> 00:42:59,600
to you guys as well, right, you just
wake up in the morning just,
869
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:01,480
from the wrong side of
bed, and you just wish
870
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:02,560
just wish,
871
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:04,960
that magically half the
population, while you were
872
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,200
asleep had just painlessly
dissappeared. Right?!
873
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:09,880
Like the Avengers movie,
right, Infinity War?
874
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,400
Yeah, Thanos!
875
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,920
He realized, there's too
many people in the world.
876
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:15,880
Not enough resources, he got his gauntlet,
877
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,200
snapped his fingers, half the
population disappeared.
878
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:21,760
And I was watching that movie I
was like, "What a nice happy ending!
879
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:25,120
Why are people crying? Are you guys mad?"
880
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:29,000
The only people who had a
problem with Thanos's plan
881
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:30,240
were the Avengers.
882
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:33,520
And, this is because,
Avengers are super heroes.
883
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:35,560
And super heroes have two problems.
884
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:36,760
Number 1,
885
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:38,680
none of them have jobs.
886
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:43,200
Number 2, all of them can fly.
887
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,720
If Iron Man had to drive in peak traffic
from Juhu to Lower Parel, everyday!
888
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:56,040
He would've welcomed Thanos with
Pan Parag (Chewing tobacco).
889
00:43:56,240 --> 00:44:01,240
(Baaratiyon losing their shit)
890
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,080
"Come come Thanos, I waiting
for you only, come come."
891
00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:08,760
"Yes, snap once, snap twice, no problem."
892
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,560
"Even I'll order it, will I
find this gauntlet on Amazon?"
893
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:14,880
Subtle sponsor integration.
894
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:21,280
No man, but I didn't always have
these dark thoughts in my head, you know.
895
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:22,600
I was a nice guy.
896
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:24,600
Made nice jokes.
897
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:26,320
I know, lot of you guys are thinking,
898
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:29,080
"We came here after watching the
Gujarat Tourism video, what is this
899
00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:30,400
casual genocide?
900
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:34,560
I know.
901
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:39,240
and I used to be a nice guy right,
but something happened in my life
902
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:40,040
earlier this year,
903
00:44:40,720 --> 00:44:42,560
I had my first tax audit.
904
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:48,680
and it was 28th September,
I went my C.A., you have to
905
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:51,040
pay tax under Audit on 30th September.
906
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:53,720
I went my C.A. on the 28th,
I saw the numbers,
907
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:55,680
I was like, Fuck! I have
to pay this amount of tax?
908
00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:57,560
I was depressed, dude.
909
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:00,560
I went, I sat in my car,
I was sitting looking
910
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:02,280
outside, looking at the
road outside, I was like
911
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:03,760
fucking, this road I have paid for.
912
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:08,400
It should be named after
me, who's this Pedder?
913
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:14,480
Aslam, he doesn't pay tax.
914
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,920
He's cutting me off on his Activa.
915
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:18,880
I have to brake to save his life.
916
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:21,840
Dude for the amount
of tax I pay, I should
917
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:24,560
legally be allowed to drive
with two hands in the air.
918
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,240
Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
This is my road.
919
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:31,800
I will not steer, you jump out of the way.
920
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:38,840
And a lot of times I think
921
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:40,760
that, even Salman was
thinking the same thing.
922
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:48,520
(fans of drinking and driving going wild)
923
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:52,640
I told you, you wouldn't see it coming.
924
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:56,200
Because this is my conspiracy theory.
925
00:45:56,200 --> 00:46:00,040
That the A1 bakery incident also
happened on 28th September 2002.
926
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:03,440
I think he had just got the news.
927
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:08,520
Went to his C.A., C.A. was like, "Dude,
you'll have to pay 5 crores of tax.
928
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:10,520
Salman did 3 lines of coke.
929
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:13,240
Got in the car, "This footpath is mine.
Fuck off!"
930
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,200
That's why dude, like I get very
931
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,360
upset, very insulted.
when people come to me
932
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:26,080
as a Muslim man in this country.
And they say,
933
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:27,440
"What have you done for this country?
934
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:29,360
You go to Pakistan."
935
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:33,880
I am like, "Bastard you refund 5 years
of my tax. I will buy Pakistan."
936
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:39,280
(applause is heard in Pakistan)
937
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:47,320
I love this whole "Go to
Pakistan" brigade.
938
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:49,360
This is what they do. They go to
939
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:50,440
Intellectuals,
940
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:53,160
Left liberals, Comedians, they
go to all of these people,
941
00:46:53,240 --> 00:46:55,480
and they say, "You go to Pakistan."
942
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:58,760
And I love how nobody has asked Pakistan
943
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:01,160
How they feel about this?
944
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,640
Like, even they have
Immigration department.
945
00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:07,600
We just assume that
there's just this open
946
00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:09,360
door policy for all rejected Indians.
947
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:11,800
A guy standing there, "Oh, you too?
Come, come."
948
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:14,280
come come come.
949
00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:16,040
Have you met Fawad.
950
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:23,280
(Ae applause hai mushkil)
951
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:26,040
But while I disagree with the targets
952
00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:27,560
of these go to Pakistan statements,
953
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:31,200
I'm principally on-board with the idea of
sending people to Pakistan.
954
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:33,800
Like, send all the useless
people there.
955
00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:36,320
And now this raises,
956
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:36,920
Two Problems,
957
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:39,640
number 1, how do we select the
people to send to Pakistan.
958
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:40,720
We are sending them to Pakistan.
959
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:43,240
Number 1, how do we select them.
960
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:46,120
Number 2, how do we get Pakistan
to accept these people.
961
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:47,800
Let me tell you.
962
00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:53,000
Number 1, how do we select
them? Simple, Democracy.
963
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:53,360
Right
964
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:56,000
Go to every neighbourhood,
every constituency in the country.
965
00:47:56,120 --> 00:47:59,080
And ask the people, "Who is the
biggest Idiot in this colony?
966
00:47:59,240 --> 00:47:59,920
Vote!"
967
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:03,040
If you win the election
you have lost at life.
968
00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:07,040
And you can't, even if you're
elected you can't protest.
969
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,280
You can't be like, "What
did I do, I did nothing." They're like,
970
00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:10,640
"We have the data.
971
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:12,600
3000 people have called you an idiot.
972
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:15,520
Amitabh Bachchan said, "Get lost,
dumbfuck!" to you."
973
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:20,480
"So, you, justifiably go to Pakistan.
974
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:22,080
Do you have any last wish?"
975
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,440
"Sir, I want to do wheelie on the
activa, only once. That's all."
976
00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:27,560
"What is your name? Aslam. I see."
977
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:31,480
That's solved.
978
00:48:31,720 --> 00:48:34,840
Now number two, how do we get Pakistan to
accept these people.
979
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:37,920
What we do is, that we put all the people
980
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:38,960
that we rounded up
981
00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:40,360
on a giant ship.
982
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:43,240
And we name this ship,
983
00:48:43,760 --> 00:48:44,440
Kashmir.
984
00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:49,640
So we call up Pakistan.
985
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:50,800
Like, "Bro Pakistan?
986
00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:52,760
Do you want Kashmir?"
987
00:48:58,160 --> 00:48:59,440
Like, "Yes, ofcourse."
988
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:03,080
"Okay, you'll get it in 3 days."
989
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:08,480
3 days later he calls back, "What the fuck
who are these people you've sent, dude?!
990
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:12,440
These people got off the boat they
are terrorising our civilians."
991
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:15,240
Like, "Well, now you know
what that feels like."
992
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:21,160
(applause of patriotisim)
993
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:26,120
"Yes, I'm still here, people were clapping.
994
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:30,280
And this is the power
of Aslam without guns.
995
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:35,080
You think that's bad? Next week
MSG's devotees are coming.
996
00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:35,960
Enjoy."
997
00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:42,320
Even this Kashmir situation, I've solved
it many times in my head.
998
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:43,760
This is also the second best solution.
999
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:47,440
Number 1 solution is that Kashmir should
neither go to India nor Pakistan.
1000
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:48,920
It should remain autonomous.
1001
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:52,960
and to do this we just rename it from
Kashmir to Subway.
1002
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:58,280
Then both sides will be like, 'No, no
I don't want Subway, you keep it.'
1003
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:05,920
(fans of sandwiches
rejoice for world peace)
1004
00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:09,480
I have these thoughts in my
head. I feel like human beings
1005
00:50:09,520 --> 00:50:11,040
we're a very overrated species.
1006
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:13,920
Like, we're very selfish.
1007
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:16,120
We make everything about us.
1008
00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:16,880
Everything!
1009
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:17,960
It has to be about us, like,
1010
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:19,000
as individuals.
1011
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:20,360
You even see, like..
1012
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:22,320
Facebook now has this new
feature which is the,
1013
00:50:22,480 --> 00:50:24,520
'Mark yourself safe' feature.
You've seen that right?
1014
00:50:24,680 --> 00:50:25,760
Whenever there's a..
1015
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:28,800
Natural disaster, terrorist attack,
you get a notification saying,
1016
00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:31,040
XYZ person, has marked themself safe.'
1017
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,480
And have you noticed that the people
whose names pop up in that notification,
1018
00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:36,440
are the same people who,
1019
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:38,200
if they died you wouldn't mind.
1020
00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:46,560
Now you're doubly disappointed.
1021
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,560
Fucking terrorist attack
happened, he's still alive.
1022
00:50:49,720 --> 00:50:51,480
Call up the terrorist, "Finish the job."
1023
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:56,080
Like the people who pop up
over there are the same people who,
1024
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:58,520
If you see them in public,
you hide and walk away.
1025
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,000
You mark YOURSELF safe
from them in real life.
1026
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:08,440
One species in the world
that I absolutely cannot stand,
1027
00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:09,240
Is birds.
1028
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:12,560
You think of all other species
in the world, right?
1029
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:14,040
They all serve a purpose.
1030
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:16,160
You think of Lions, Tigers,
predatory animals,
1031
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:18,200
they lend balance to the food chain.
Serve a purpose.
1032
00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:20,280
Think of Cows, right? Cows
are very nice animals.
1033
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:22,960
Cow is such a nice animal, wow!
-Aww!
1034
00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:25,160
What a cow, what a wow! Superb! Amazing!
1035
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:28,720
Great! No complaints about cows.
Cows are very good.
1036
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:30,120
No, no, cows are very good, no.
1037
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,240
Yes, we should applaud for cows. Yes!
1038
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:34,400
(forced nationalism ensues)
1039
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:36,720
Cows are very nice, they, they give milk.
1040
00:51:37,080 --> 00:51:39,720
They give right wing nationalists a
purpose to life. They're good animals.
1041
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:44,040
But, birds.
1042
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,160
All birds do, is shit.
1043
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:50,600
They shit on you, they shit on your
car, they shit on your property
1044
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:51,800
and they fuck off!
1045
00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:54,800
And you can do nothing about this.
1046
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:56,160
But these people come to me,
1047
00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:57,800
these bird apologists.
1048
00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:00,720
The defenders of bird rights.
1049
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:02,720
NotAllBirds
1050
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:05,880
MePoo
1051
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:10,840
(applause for equal rights for birds)
1052
00:52:12,680 --> 00:52:14,480
They come to me they say, "No Azeem, no,
1053
00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:17,480
birds do more, okay? Birds
help in pollination."
1054
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:20,920
All that means is that
they're pimps for flowers.
1055
00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:24,000
Goin to the flower saying,
"Do you want seeds?
1056
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:26,680
I'll seed, you leech
we'll become a Torrent together.
1057
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:27,320
Beautiful.
1058
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:36,040
Joke for six piracy enthusiasts.
1059
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:39,240
But, I don't want to,
1060
00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:42,520
like upset people, I understand lots of
people are very passionate about birds,
1061
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:43,360
and lots of people,
1062
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:46,720
they take binoculars, go into the forest
to look at birds it's a very common hobby.
1063
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:48,200
It's called 'Loneliness.'
1064
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,880
Oh my god! What a shit
hobby to have, dude.
1065
00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:55,680
Birdwatching?!
1066
00:52:57,120 --> 00:52:59,720
And they always tell you,''I'm
an avid birdwatcher, avid."
1067
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:03,400
They have to add an adjective to
their hobby to make it sound fun.
1068
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:04,520
That's how shit it is.
1069
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,400
Because without that,
what is birdwatching?
1070
00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:08,640
"This is bird, I have watched"
1071
00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:12,400
"Flew from here to there, shat
on my head, best day ever"
1072
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:15,200
I've realised that people who watch birds,
1073
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:17,640
and people who watch golf as a
sport, are the same people.
1074
00:53:18,720 --> 00:53:21,240
Because, birdwatching and golf
watching at a core level are the same
1075
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:24,120
It's the process of watching
nothing happen very slowly.
1076
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:33,040
Also, I don't understand these
idiots who want to feed birds
1077
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:35,520
You've seen those maniacs going
around throwing seeds for birds.
1078
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:37,560
You see them at that Dadar
Kabutar Khana. (Pigeon Feeding)
1079
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:39,000
National Tatti (Shit) Capital of India.
1080
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:44,800
Throwing seeds for birds,
1081
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:46,520
like if you're throwing seed at the bird,
1082
00:53:46,600 --> 00:53:48,360
and attacking it, I'm with you.
Very good idea.
1083
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:51,160
But why are you feeding birds?
1084
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:52,600
This is counter productive.
1085
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:56,760
Because, by feeding birds,
all you're doing is providing ammunition,
1086
00:53:58,240 --> 00:53:59,280
to the enemy.
1087
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:03,400
Because that same seed is coming back,
1088
00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:06,160
to your car,
1089
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:08,720
with compound interest.
1090
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:17,160
I was reading an article
on an online forum,
1091
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:19,040
It said, the average pigeon shits,
1092
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:21,640
48 times in a day!
1093
00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:24,320
I shit you not.
1094
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:27,840
48 times! Listen if you do anything,
1095
00:54:28,120 --> 00:54:29,320
48 times in a day.
1096
00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:32,120
That's a full time occupation, alright?!
1097
00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:35,880
This shitting is not a hobby anymore.
1098
00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:38,480
I think there's a corporate
machinery in the bird world.
1099
00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:39,880
The pigeons are the corporate slaves.
1100
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:41,120
And they have been given targets.
1101
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,240
They've been told, "You shit 48 times,
1102
00:54:44,240 --> 00:54:46,320
In exchange you get to build
a nest on this guy's AC"
1103
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:47,640
This is the housing plan, that
they've been offered.
1104
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:52,000
That's why you see,
pigeons, they are the most
1105
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:54,920
charged up, motivated birds in the
world like they're on cocaine. Like,
1106
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,480
(frighteningly terrible act-out of pigeons)
1107
00:54:57,520 --> 00:54:58,480
Charged up!
1108
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:07,160
They achieve their target they say,
"Wohoo!" that's what the sound means.
1109
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:10,760
You and me, we see a car,
1110
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:13,480
but a pigeon sees performance incentive.
1111
00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:19,120
Sometimes you see a car that's
plastered with shit, back to front.
1112
00:55:19,360 --> 00:55:20,960
That - month end pressure.
1113
00:55:24,200 --> 00:55:25,880
And in this corporate bird world,
1114
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:28,400
in this corporate machinery there has
to be has to be a head bird, a CEO
1115
00:55:28,440 --> 00:55:32,040
bird, leader of all birds and for
me that bird had got to be a crow.
1116
00:55:33,520 --> 00:55:35,960
Cause crows are sly
motherfuckers dude.
1117
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:38,360
Crows have a plan
to ruin your life.
1118
00:55:39,240 --> 00:55:40,280
Like you look at a car...
1119
00:55:40,560 --> 00:55:41,760
If there is a shit on the windshield.
1120
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:42,680
That's a pigeon.
1121
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:44,360
Pigeon has no plan.
1122
00:55:45,480 --> 00:55:46,440
Pigeon has target
1123
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:50,840
But when there is shit
1124
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:53,000
on your car door handle.
1125
00:55:56,640 --> 00:56:02,040
(victims of bird droppings unite as one)
1126
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:03,680
That's a fucking crow.
1127
00:56:04,720 --> 00:56:06,520
Because crow has done
market research.
1128
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:09,440
Crow knows what you pisses you off.
1129
00:56:09,720 --> 00:56:12,520
Look at the shit. Look up. Crow's
staring back. "Whats up mother fucker?"
1130
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:16,760
"Just chilling" Two sparrows
giving him a blowjob one the side
1131
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:17,840
"What's happenin' playa?"
1132
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:21,120
"Shit's goin' down, you want
some seeds brotha?"
1133
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:27,640
This is the biggest problem that
I have with bird is that birds
1134
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,040
Are the only species in the world
1135
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,640
that can shit on you.
1136
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:32,960
From an elevation.
1137
00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:37,360
No other species, has a horse
ever shat on you from the third floor? No!
1138
00:56:40,360 --> 00:56:42,080
If anyone has arguments,
I'm willing to hear them.
1139
00:56:44,560 --> 00:56:46,680
They shit on you and fly
away, no consequences,
1140
00:56:48,520 --> 00:56:49,480
We are so helpless.
1141
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:52,960
We can do nothing. We are so helpless
that in some point in our history
1142
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:54,320
We had to convince ourselves.
1143
00:56:54,600 --> 00:56:56,640
That when a bird shits on
you, It's good luck.
1144
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:00,520
No other explanation.
1145
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:04,120
They shit on you and fly
away, no consequences.
1146
00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:05,760
I want this ability dude.
1147
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:09,880
I think this is a super power.
1148
00:57:10,680 --> 00:57:11,360
I think.
1149
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,000
This was the original
first draft of Superman.
1150
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:21,880
Which explains a long last
why the underwear is outside.
1151
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:28,600
All the superman comics, people see
1152
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:30,760
Superman from a distance,
What's the first question they ask?
1153
00:57:30,800 --> 00:57:31,800
"Is it a bird?"
1154
00:57:33,560 --> 00:57:34,440
Now you know
1155
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,000
Second joke. That's just for me.
1156
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:42,000
I honestly believe that
if birds could not fly.
1157
00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:43,240
We would've killed all of them.
1158
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,640
I think the flying was
added by nature, later
1159
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:50,240
to circumvent the design flaw
of the shitting.
1160
00:57:51,520 --> 00:57:53,400
I think earlier they were just
feathery blobs, just running
1161
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:55,400
around shitting everywhere.
Humans were like (stabbing) dead.
1162
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:57,920
Nature was like, "Okay. Fly now"
1163
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:00,480
You look at examples from history right?
1164
00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:01,440
Dodo.
1165
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:02,680
Flightless bird.
1166
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:04,400
Fucking extinct, dude.
1167
00:58:05,640 --> 00:58:07,440
And the people come to
you and say, "No, no, dodo
1168
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:09,760
went extinct because of
the carelessness of man."
1169
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:12,440
No, no. Man knew what he was doing.
1170
00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:17,120
He's was like, "Fucking Dodo
is back on my property again"
1171
00:58:17,480 --> 00:58:18,600
"Fuck off, Dodo!"
1172
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:21,640
This was the first Dodo that ever flew.
1173
00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:29,920
(audience is enthralled by Dodo genocide)
1174
00:58:31,560 --> 00:58:33,280
Other flightless birds you look at, right?
1175
00:58:33,560 --> 00:58:34,080
Chickens.
1176
00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:36,200
Can't fly. We were like "Fuck it
we'll eat all of them"
1177
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:39,640
They kept coming back. We said
"Eat them before they are born"
1178
00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:43,840
Ostriches, you look at Ostriches.
We couldn't catch them, they run very fast.
1179
00:58:44,400 --> 00:58:46,080
We decide to shame them from a distance.
1180
00:58:46,120 --> 00:58:47,440
Like, "Shame on you, Ostrich!
Shame on you!"
1181
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:49,720
Ostrich got embarrassed
and put its head underground.
1182
00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:53,840
(only Kanan Gill found this funny)
1183
00:58:54,440 --> 00:58:55,480
Remaining flightless birds.
1184
00:58:55,520 --> 00:58:57,640
Emus, Kiwis, Rheas, Cassowaries.
1185
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,400
Those we put in geography textbooks.
1186
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:03,040
For children to learn that
these are still left for us to kill
1187
00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:08,680
We were told this romantic story
about the Wright brothers.
1188
00:59:08,720 --> 00:59:09,800
You know the Wright brothers
1189
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,000
Built the first airplane to take
mankind to the skies.
1190
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:13,040
Very romantic but.
1191
00:59:13,840 --> 00:59:15,240
I have an alternate theory here
1192
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,840
I do not think the Wright Brothers
were pointing to the sky saying,
1193
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:20,160
We'll go there.
1194
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:22,200
No. No they were pointing
to the crow in the tree
1195
00:59:22,200 --> 00:59:24,120
saying, "Wait mother fucker.
I'm coming. Wait."
1196
00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:31,280
We've reached the point
in the show now where
1197
00:59:31,280 --> 00:59:32,680
I have to tell you about
my personal problems.
1198
00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:35,080
You've paid money. So now listen.
1199
00:59:37,040 --> 00:59:38,360
So, I've been married now for 5 years.
1200
00:59:38,800 --> 00:59:41,880
And, me and my wife are very in love
with each other. Like disgustingly.
1201
00:59:41,920 --> 00:59:42,880
In love with each other.
1202
00:59:44,920 --> 00:59:46,200
Thank you wife's sister. Right.
1203
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:53,400
But like in any relationship we
have our share of ups and downs.
1204
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:54,680
fights and battles all, of that.
1205
00:59:54,960 --> 00:59:57,480
And, I have realized that
I win most of them.
1206
00:59:58,560 --> 01:00:00,920
Because there is a very
important factor over here.
1207
01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:02,440
I have a lot of sympathy
for my wife because
1208
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:03,920
she is not married to a regular person.
1209
01:00:04,960 --> 01:00:05,920
She's married to a comedian.
1210
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:08,200
This changes the game entirely.
1211
01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:10,040
Because see, when you are
1212
01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:12,440
married to a regular person,
and fight with a regular person
1213
01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:15,240
A regular person will take all the
stupid shit you say in this fight.
1214
01:00:16,320 --> 01:00:17,120
File it away.
1215
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:19,120
And use it
1216
01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:20,840
to win a future argument.
1217
01:00:22,600 --> 01:00:23,360
But comedian,
1218
01:00:23,840 --> 01:00:25,800
will take all the stupid
shit that you say,
1219
01:00:26,600 --> 01:00:27,480
File it away.
1220
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:30,320
And then tell it to strangers for money.
1221
01:00:31,640 --> 01:00:33,480
(aforementioned strangers applaud)
1222
01:00:36,880 --> 01:00:40,080
And if the strangers laugh, you've
lost the argument forever.
1223
01:00:42,240 --> 01:00:44,640
It's true man, me and my wife,
we've reached a weird point
1224
01:00:44,680 --> 01:00:47,440
in our relationship where my
wife now has dreams about me.
1225
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:51,800
And whenever she has dreams about
me, it's never anything positive.
1226
01:00:53,120 --> 01:00:54,440
It's never like, 'Oh,
he bought a house.' No,
1227
01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:56,960
It's always, 'He forgot my birthday
because he's a drug addict.'
1228
01:00:59,240 --> 01:01:01,240
The other week, my wife had
a dream in which I was
1229
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:02,080
cheating on her.
1230
01:01:03,600 --> 01:01:05,400
She awoke from this dream
and she was upset.
1231
01:01:06,800 --> 01:01:07,520
With me.
1232
01:01:09,800 --> 01:01:10,560
For her dream.
1233
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:13,760
I was like, how is this fair?
1234
01:01:14,360 --> 01:01:15,280
I was here.
1235
01:01:16,200 --> 01:01:17,240
In this bed.
1236
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:18,840
With you.
1237
01:01:19,320 --> 01:01:20,240
Asleep.
1238
01:01:21,160 --> 01:01:23,640
Having my own dream about
cheating on you. So, what....
1239
01:01:33,200 --> 01:01:35,000
No no. I could never
cheat on my wife. Never.
1240
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:36,840
But,
1241
01:01:38,600 --> 01:01:40,800
I've thought about it.
The thought has crossed my mind.
1242
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:43,680
And there is no human being in a
commited relationship who can
1243
01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:46,000
look me in the eye and say that
you haven't had this thought
1244
01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:47,080
fleetingly somewhere.
1245
01:01:47,960 --> 01:01:50,160
And some people have this
thought more often than others.
1246
01:01:51,520 --> 01:01:52,320
They called men.
1247
01:01:54,720 --> 01:01:55,000
Right?
1248
01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:57,080
And I dont think I can
speak on behalf of women.
1249
01:01:57,080 --> 01:01:59,200
But on behalf of men
let me tell you women,
1250
01:01:59,680 --> 01:02:01,640
Something about the men that
you are here with today.
1251
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:04,480
This is where it gets awkward.
1252
01:02:05,600 --> 01:02:07,800
This is where the drive back home
gets very awkward.
1253
01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:11,280
Ladies you should know
1254
01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:13,640
that every married man,
1255
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:16,680
at any given point of time
1256
01:02:17,920 --> 01:02:18,760
in his head,
1257
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:21,760
is planning an affair,
1258
01:02:23,520 --> 01:02:25,040
that he is NEVER going to have.
1259
01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:30,680
But he is planning it anyway.
1260
01:02:31,400 --> 01:02:32,920
For recreational purposes.
1261
01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:38,400
And whenever I do this bit, there are
always pockets of silence across the room.
1262
01:02:40,880 --> 01:02:42,640
And that is the collective
sound of all the
1263
01:02:42,680 --> 01:02:45,200
married men with their
wife shitting themselves.
1264
01:02:47,840 --> 01:02:50,560
"Dude, we had one secret. Why
you're saying all this in public?!"
1265
01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:55,280
I almost have admiration for
people who have affairs.
1266
01:02:55,560 --> 01:02:57,240
How do you guys find the time?
1267
01:02:58,520 --> 01:02:59,960
I can barely go jogging in the morning,
1268
01:02:59,960 --> 01:03:01,840
He's running a parallal family. Wow!
1269
01:03:03,120 --> 01:03:04,680
I tip my hat to you, sir.
1270
01:03:05,840 --> 01:03:07,160
For your time management.
1271
01:03:08,840 --> 01:03:09,960
Can't cheat my wife dude.
1272
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:13,960
And honestly because I've invested
too much into this relationship.
1273
01:03:14,480 --> 01:03:15,880
I've put a lot of work in it.
1274
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:19,760
And to throw it all away for an affair
for a something as trivial as sex
1275
01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:22,960
makes no sense to me. Because let
me tell you from a young age
1276
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:25,880
I had to work on my personality.
1277
01:03:26,280 --> 01:03:26,760
Alright.
1278
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:28,400
To find a woman
1279
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:30,560
who would like me in a pre-Tinder era.
1280
01:03:33,840 --> 01:03:36,760
After that, successfully
faked many many opinions.
1281
01:03:37,720 --> 01:03:39,560
So that she would have sex with me.
1282
01:03:40,800 --> 01:03:43,240
Faked more opinions so that
her parents would like me.
1283
01:03:44,520 --> 01:03:46,520
Spent all my savings
on a wedding to feed
1284
01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:48,800
five hundred relatives
I didn't know I had.
1285
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,280
Give all of that away for an affair
1286
01:03:52,320 --> 01:03:55,480
and in exchange get what?
One slightly different orgasm?
1287
01:03:55,760 --> 01:03:56,800
I think not.
1288
01:03:57,840 --> 01:04:00,400
Listen I have minus four
power on my glasses
1289
01:04:00,440 --> 01:04:03,360
I can barely see who I'm fucking.
It makes no difference.
1290
01:04:04,920 --> 01:04:10,160
(appreciation of blurry coitus)
1291
01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:13,760
But once you have been
married for a long enough
1292
01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:15,320
in this country, married
people you will know that
1293
01:04:15,320 --> 01:04:16,880
after three or four years
of your married life
1294
01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:18,800
you start getting
pressure from relatives.
1295
01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:21,280
Start telling you to do
things but they don't
1296
01:04:21,320 --> 01:04:22,360
tell you what it is
that you have to do.
1297
01:04:22,440 --> 01:04:24,800
Because when it comes to
sex, we must speak in code.
1298
01:04:26,240 --> 01:04:28,440
In random family gatherings
there will be one aunty
1299
01:04:28,480 --> 01:04:31,120
who'll appear out of nowhere like a ninja.
1300
01:04:32,880 --> 01:04:35,440
She was not there before. She just
somersaults into frame.
1301
01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:40,120
It's been three years.
1302
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:43,600
Do it!
1303
01:04:50,560 --> 01:04:51,880
One uncle comes from this side.
1304
01:04:51,920 --> 01:04:53,840
It's grandpa's dying wish!
1305
01:04:55,560 --> 01:04:57,760
I'm like I dont like grandpa
that much anyway.
1306
01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:00,880
I killed him six jokes ago.
1307
01:05:02,600 --> 01:05:04,480
If he dies unfulfilled, I
could not give a shit.
1308
01:05:05,800 --> 01:05:06,360
But then,
1309
01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:07,680
Something changed, right.
1310
01:05:08,280 --> 01:05:11,040
My mom came to me couple of
months ago gave me this entire
1311
01:05:11,160 --> 01:05:12,200
Ted talk about life.
1312
01:05:14,680 --> 01:05:15,600
She came to me, she was like
1313
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:16,720
Azeem, it's time.
1314
01:05:19,920 --> 01:05:21,080
You're old enough. You are 30 now.
1315
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:23,640
Don't you think you and your wife,
You had a new bundle of joy,
1316
01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:25,840
a new soul in your lives to
bring you both closer together,
1317
01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:28,240
take your relationship to the next level,
start a family, make us all proud.
1318
01:05:29,160 --> 01:05:29,960
And I was like,
1319
01:05:30,040 --> 01:05:31,520
okay that sort of broke
through to me right!
1320
01:05:31,560 --> 01:05:33,520
and I went to my wife and I was like,
1321
01:05:34,360 --> 01:05:35,240
"It's been three years
1322
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:40,080
We should do it.
1323
01:05:40,240 --> 01:05:43,000
Are you ready?" And to my
surprise my wife said, "I'm ready."
1324
01:05:43,040 --> 01:05:45,960
And it's a big deal for me to announce
this but over the last couple of months
1325
01:05:45,960 --> 01:05:49,200
me and my wife, we've actually
started trying. Its a huge deal. Yeah.
1326
01:05:49,720 --> 01:05:51,000
Oh, thank you. Genuinely.
1327
01:05:52,920 --> 01:05:53,640
Yes.
1328
01:05:55,000 --> 01:05:55,840
We've started trying
1329
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:56,880
to have a threesome
1330
01:05:56,920 --> 01:05:57,640
and
1331
01:06:05,240 --> 01:06:08,520
I mean I don't even want to do it, dude.
It's family pressure. What can I say?
1332
01:06:11,680 --> 01:06:14,720
So any of you know somebody who's
interested, we're auditioning next week.
1333
01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:16,280
So let us know.
1334
01:06:17,560 --> 01:06:20,360
And I want you guys to understand
I'm not doing this for myself.
1335
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:22,800
This is an entirely selfless act.
1336
01:06:24,400 --> 01:06:26,040
It's grandpa's dying wish!
1337
01:06:27,320 --> 01:06:30,000
Ladies and gentlemen, you guys
have been absolutely fantastic.
1338
01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:32,280
Thank you so much.
1339
01:06:34,800 --> 01:06:41,680
(100% organic standing ovation)
1340
01:06:45,520 --> 01:06:46,600
Thank you.
1341
01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:52,680
Thank you. Genuinely. This means the
world to me. Thank you so much.
1342
01:06:52,680 --> 01:06:53,280
Good night.
1343
01:06:53,330 --> 01:06:57,880
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