All language subtitles for aaaassss

- Hi.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.

How was your game?

The musician's softball league is a joke.

Guys trying to catch stuff that isn't there.

People throwing up on
an easy double play ball.

So why do you go?

There is an open bar,
and they let me pitch.

I've got to get dressed.

I was going to throw this toast out,
but it's yours if you want it.

When did I become the family dog?

- Jake, what's this, a phone message?
- Yeah. Some lady called for you.

Who? I can't read your writing.

"You're a big selfish jerk. "

Okay, I know who this is. Amy.

- Probably Amy.
- Yup, Amy.

- She wants you to call her back.
- Yeah, that'll happen.

- Why not?
- Because I never said I'd call her back.

Remember this, Jake,

never make promises to women
that you don't intend to keep.

- And you know how you do that?
- Always keep my promises?

That might work.

A better way is never make promises.

- What happens if Amy calls again?
- Okay, I'm glad you asked that.

When the phone rings
at Uncle Charlie's house,

we don't just willy-nilly pick up
the receiver and answer it. No.

What we do is we check the caller I.D.,

and only pick up if we want
to talk to that person.

- Like Mom?
- That depends.

Your mom, yes. My mom, no.

How come you don't want
to talk to your mom?

I'll tell you all about that
when you are old enough to drink.

What if I want to talk to your mom?

Okay, that kind of attitude is going
to break down the whole system.

- Dad, no! Don't pick up the phone!
- Why not?

It might be your mom. Or a woman.

It's Amy again. She just won't give up.

Charlie.

Look, I appreciate your need for privacy,
but I think you're sending a bad message

to my son about how to deal with women.

How so?

He thinks it's okay
to avoid somebody because

the conversation might be uncomfortable.

Charlie!

Okay, that's not funny.

Look, if I am teaching
the kid anything, it's honesty.

Really? Walk me through
the lesson, Charlie. Educate me.

Okay. I tell women upfront I'm not looking
for a long-term relationship.

If they don't believe me, or
they're determined to change my mind,

I have a right to avoid that conversation.

And the phone company obviously
agrees with me,

otherwise they wouldn't have invented
caller I.D.

Uncle Charlie,

what if somebody you don't want to talk
to comes over instead of calls?

- Just tell them I'm not here.
- He's not here, Grandma!

Mom, you just surprised me.

- You should have called first.
- Charlie, I call constantly.

You screen like an Olympic drug tester.

I'm happy to see you, Mom.

I don't believe you, sweetheart.
But at least you care enough to lie.

I care enough to lie.
You just caught me off guard.

So, what are you doing here?

I'm showing a house up the beach, and I
thought, while I am in the neighborhood,

I would drop off a gift for my grandson.

You are writing him a check?

- What kind of gift is that?
- You told me he likes transformer toys.

This check transforms into
any toy he wants.

Thanks, Grandma!

Is that all? Don't I get a hug?

Your grandma loves you so much.

Grandma's got to go to work.

Nobody just gives her checks. Walk me.

In case you are at all interested, I have
been seeing a man. And

he just may be the one.

- Five time's the charm.
- Four.

- But, what about the guy...
- That was annulled.

Boy! Are we going to have a new daddy?

Bite me, Charlie.

I would like to have a dinner
at the house so you boys can meet him.

What night is good for you?

- What night do you want us?
- I asked you first.

Jake's here weekends, it's Thursday.
Check my calendar.

Don't really want to.

Tomorrow night, 7:00.

It's very important to me,
and I hope you can make it.

But I will certainly understand
if you are too busy for your mother.

You know what she is trying to do.

- Of course I know.
- But maybe one of us should go.

- Sure. You go, I look bad.
- What do you care?

- I don't care.
- Then don't go.

- I'm not going.
- I'm not going, either.

- I'm not staying.
- We'll eat, we'll go.

- No coffee, no dessert.
- We can't be rude.

Watch me. I refuse to let that woman...

- Hi, Mom.
- Better late than never.

- We're right on time.
- I was referring to the big picture.

Hi, Grandma.

And look, you brought Jake
to meet my new beau.

Come here, sweetheart. Now, tonight you
and I are going to play a game.

And the name of the game is,

"Don't call me Grandma. "

What kind of game is that?

It's a fun game, honey. It only
has one rule. You have to call me Evelyn.

- Okay.
- Try it.

- Evelyn.
- See? We're having fun already.

Look, you didn't bring wine. Good.
Too many people bring wine.

Tommy, darling, I would like you
to meet my sons.

This is Charlie.

- Charlie.
- Hi, Tommy. How are you?

- Alan.
- Hello.

- And this is Jake.
- Yes, I am, Evelyn.

Let's not beat it to death, okay?

Good to meet you, Jake.

There you are. Boys, this
is Tommy's daughter, Olivia.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Hi there, stranger.

Do you two know each other?

- I thought I knew him.
- Oh, no.

Okay. Who would like a drink?
I would like a drink.

Charlie, come help me make the drinks.
Alan, talk to Olivia. Alan was a cesarean.

It wasn't medically necessary.
She just had a function to go to.

Is there anyone in the 310 area code
that you have not mounted?

Come on, we went out a couple of times.
She assumed it was an exclusive thing,

and when she found out it wasn't,
she got a little upset.

Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice
guy. I am very happy for you.

- Goodnight.
- Charles. You are not going anywhere.

This man is very important to me.
We are going to have a nice dinner.

You're going to be charming,
and Tommy will remain oblivious

to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

She wasn't exactly filed when I met her.

You don't know how lucky you
are to have a mother like Evelyn.

She is the warmest, most affectionate,
giving woman I have ever known.

That's my mom.

Call her Evelyn. That's the game.

You play your game, I'll play mine.

- Here we are.
- There's my little karaoke cupcake.

Tommy, you are not telling that story.

We took one of
those little cruises to Alaska.

Glaciers and whales, I didn't quite
see the point of it all.

But during the evening there
was this karaoke competition.

And as you know,
I'm no stranger to the stage.

Yes Mom, I know.

Excuse me.

Anyway, you know how I
have always sung

These Boots Are Made for Walking,
with my little dance routine.

Yes, Mom. I have it on my wedding video.

- So, how've you been?
- You know...

No, I don't know, Charlie.

When people don't return your calls, it's
kind of hard to know how they have been.

Look, I know this
is an awkward coincidence.

It's no coincidence.

When my father told me who he
was dating, I made a point of being here.

You can't argue the awkward part, right?

So, I am zipping up my boots,
and I am about to go onstage

when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas,
gets up and starts singing my song.

I think you can imagine
how unhappy I was.

Don't tell me to calm down.
You lied to me.

I did not lie to you. And you could
have told me this on the phone.

- You never answer your phone.
- Of course not.

Who wants to have this conversation?

So, I sidled up to the woman and

really very smoothly turned
it in to a duet,

when suddenly she starts pushing me.

- You said I was very special to you.
- You were.

- Yeah, me and three other women.
- I said you were special, not unique.

Drop dead, you bastard.

Excuse me!

In my defense...

Screw it!

Finish the story, Evelyn.
Did you push her back?

Stupid musician's league.

I don't know why I bother. Get this.
Tie score, we are down to our last out.

Our best hitter, Billy Kresky's up.

The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky.

His whole family is standing behind
the backstop, crying and pleading,

"Go back to rehab, Daddy, we love you!"

Needless to say, he choked.

Charlie, I think we have got
a bigger problem.

- Our mother is missing.
- Don't try to cheer me up.

I am serious. I called her home, her car,
her cell, nothing.

Did you check with the captain
of the flying monkeys?

Charlie!

She's probably just sulking because I
screwed up her dinner party last week.

That's what I thought, too. Except I called
her office and they haven't heard from her.

- Okay. That's weird.
- Yeah.

I think somebody needs to go over there
and make sure she's okay.

Good idea. You do that
and I'll stay here in case she calls.

Why don't you go
and I will stay here in case she calls?

No, I got to be honest,
I like my idea better.

- I'm not going there alone.
- I'm not going at all.

What do you want to bet she ran off
to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy?

If that's all this is, great.

The only down side would be
that you slept with our stepsister.

Hadn't thought of that. Kinda sexy.

- Kinda sick.
- I'm saying.

Look, there is no one here. Let's go.

No. I want to take a look.

- You have a key?
- I'm the good son.

Mom?

Okay, she's not here. Let's go.

Okay, she's here. Let's go.

Charlie.

Mom, are you all right? Why
haven't you been answering the phone?

I didn't want to burden anyone with
my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.

Tommy died?

He is dead to me.

- Okay, what happened?
- He dumped me.

Mom, I am sorry.

The thing between me and his daughter
happened years before you met the guy.

This has nothing to do with you, Charlie.

God, you're a narcissist.

No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced
45-year-old bimbo.

I am sorry, Mom.
I know he meant a lot to you.

Yeah. I'm sorry, too.

Thank you, Alan. Nice try, Charlie.

Now if you will both please leave,
I'd like to be alone.

We understand.

Charlie, wait! We can't just leave her here.

Fine. Where do you want to leave her?

Mom, why don't you come back and stay
at Charlie's house for a few days?

- How is that?
- Time out.

Don't worry, Charlie. I have no desire
to impose on your life.

Appreciate it. All right then, chin up.

- You sure, Mom?
- Yes. Thank you, Alan.

Okay.

God!

So close.

How long is she going to sit out there?

I don't know.
I've never seen her this depressed.

Somebody's got to go out there
and show her a little love and support.

- Jake!
- Yeah.

Why don't you go out
and talk to Grandma?

- Why?
- Because she's a little lonely.

- She's your mom.
- Don't sass me. Go talk to Grandma.

- Hi, Evelyn.
- Please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.

- But what about the game?
- Games are for children, Jake.

Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and
sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.

That's nice. But you know, that cool stuff

is stuff that other people lost
and will never get back.

Trinkets and treasures buried
beneath the lonely sands of time.

- Yeah, but finders, keepers, right?
- And losers, weepers.

- He's getting killed out there.
- It's all right, he's not crying yet.

Somebody needs to go out there
and back him up.

$10 says it's not me.

What's going on with you...

The kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.

You were a bed wetter, if I recall.

You know what Jake would
really get a kick out of?

If you could sing
while Charlie played the piano.

No, Alan. I couldn't.

- Besides, Charlie always hated that.
- Are you kidding? It was his idea.

Pick it up, Charlie.
We are walking, not crawling.

"Are you ready, boots? Start walking. "

- Okay, now.
- One more time.

Mom, you okay?

Yeah, go back to bed, Charlie.

No, I'm up.

It's hard to sleep after a big show.

Thank you for that.

Brought back some nice memories.

You still got some chops, Mom.

You were rushing
the tempo towards the end there.

Sorry, I always get a little carried away
when you do the James Brown medley.

Charlie.

Your mother's a real sad case, isn't she?

You'll get over him. There's other guys.

He never even called.
Never even said goodbye.

Maybe he was scared.

Of what?

I knew there were no promises, no strings.

That doesn't mean there
can't be common courtesy.

To think I mean that little to him?

It will be okay, Mom.

You still got me and Alan.

Charlie, please. I know how difficult things
are between us.

Maybe it's my fault.

It's not all your fault.

I probably haven't been the best son.

I just want you
to know that in my way,

I want you to be happy and...

I love you.

I guess I'll go pack.

- Why?
- I'm going home.

- In the middle of the night?
- Charlie, you just said you loved me.

You could only screw it up from here.

Donkey Kong!

- Danke Schoen.
- Danke Schoen.

Danke Schoen. B flat. One, two, three.

English