Original subtitles

[electric guitar playing]

[rock music playing]

-[announcer] Los Angeles, how we feeling? -[crowd cheering]

Please give it up for the man of the hour,

it's your host, Jack Tucker.

How we doin', Netflix?

Hello, hello!

Hello!

My god. Good to see ya!

Are we doing alright?

[crowd cheering]

[music stops]

Los Angeles, how… [yells]

[music resumes]

[Jack] Put me down!

[yells]

Put me down!

[yells] Put me down!

Hello, LA! Are you ready for the greatest show of your lives?

[cheering]

Oh, I can't hear you. Are you ready?

[crowd cheering]

-[cannon blasts] -[music stops]

[crowd laughing]

I'm okay!

-[music resumes] -Yeah!

We got ya! Los Angeles, how we doing on a Saturday night?

-[crowd cheering] -[klaxon honking]

For those who don't know, my name is Jack Tucker.

I am not from here. I am from New York.

Yeah. The Big Apple.

-[music resumes] -Yes!

My god, this is crazy.

[guitar playing]

Not yet, not yet.

[crowd laughing]

This is the biggest crowd I've performed to in my life.

I mean, what is this, 9,000 people in here?

[cheering]

Can… Can they hear me? I, uh…

[louder] I'm so happy to be here.

This is my first time here.

I'm so happy to be back.

I, uh… [chuckles]

-[clicks once] -Good little crowd. I, uh…

-Good little crowd. -[clicks twice]

If you laugh at the right time, you get a treat.

[male voice] Yeah!

Got you, idiots. Suck my balls, liberals.

No, but I…

Man, you guys are wild.

The acoustics in here are amazing. I can't hear anyone laughing, but…

But this is a huge show for us. Our biggest show yet.

We got A-list celebrities.

[crowd whooping]

A list of celebrities who said no to being in the show.

[male voice] Yeah!

[yells]

-[klaxon honking] -No, but I…

That's okay. The stars are out tonight. We got the Big Dipper.

Me with the guac, me with the guac. Uh…

We got the Little Dipper. Me with the spicy salsa.

[male voice] Yeah!

Imagine getting this opportunity and using that for your first jokes.

-[rock music plays briefly] -Yes!

[laughs] But I do love racial humor.

I, uh…

[crowd laughing]

I love Ross humor.

I love Chandler humor.

Could I be anymore of a Samantha?

[fanfare playing]

This crowd sucks. Uh, but…

-[crowd laughing] -[clicks once]

We have a pretty cool camera team on our side.

You might see cameras flying in and out of the stage,

catching some pretty cool angles throughout the show.

[thudding]

This is gonna be… We'll cut that, but I… [laughs]

Wah-wah-wah-wah.

It's a joke I haven't set up yet. Okay, so…

[crowd laughing]

Hey, we got people recording this. We got our own team.

You don't need to film this. Thank you so much.

-[klaxon honking] -Is that the squid from Squid Game?

[ululating]

Sorry, sorry.

I knew you wouldn't like it, but I had to try it, so…

If you've never seen the show before, we got acts from all over the world.

All different types of performance. Circus, variety, skills acts.

If you've never seen circus and variety before,

every time they do something amazing, I want you to go crazy.

I want you to go nuts. Scream and make some noise.

Imagine you've seen something you've never seen before!

-[crowd whooping] -Perfect!

We got an amazing show for you!

Please, welcome to the stage

a quick-change routine

from Daredevil Chicken!

-[crowd cheering] -[upbeat music playing]

-Yeah! -[music ends]

Let's do it! Music!

[quirky music playing]

[crowd laughing]

[crowd clapping to music]

[cheering]

-[mouthing silently] -[crowd laughing]

[cheering]

[klaxon honking]

[crowd whooping]

[music stops abruptly]

[crowd laughing and whistling]

Play the fucking music!

[music resumes]

[crowd squealing]

[gunshots]

[male performer] Oh!

Oh my god! Oh my god! [squealing]

[squealing]

[music ends]

[whooping]

[cheering and whistling]

We'll save it for the director's uncut.

I know what you're thinking. To all the union freaks watching this,

yes, that penis was SAG-AFTRA.

[crowd laughing]

And my penis sags after I use it too much.

-[musical sting] -[crowd cheering]

-[Jack] Oh boy. Uh… -[woman] Sorry…

It's our venue manager, Erin! How about this?

[crowd cheering]

I'm sorry, I think just in everything, uh,

you just skipped the content warning. It was in our emails.

Oh. Not really an email guy. [laughs]

I'm a Hillary dude.

-[fanfare playing] -She was the First Lady.

-Ever. -[male voice] Yeah!

Love hot sauce in my bag. Uh, yeah, what's up?

Um, well, if… if you're doing your thing, just somebody has to read it.

I can do it fast and then we can get back to the show.

Okay, sure. A quick announcement from our venue manager, Erin,

just to cover the legal.

-[klaxon honking] -[crowd cheering]

Hi. Hi, guys. Sorry about this. Just a bit of, um… Oh.

Sorry, just a bit of business and then we'll get back to, um,

what… what this is.

[crowd laughing]

Um, okay… [squeals]

[giggles] So, um, okay.

So, okay, guys. Okay.

Um… [giggles]

[squeals, giggles] Sorry. Um…

I wanna say, I love this kind of stuff.

[laughs] Right? Right?

I'm… I'm standing over there, and I'm understanding some of it.

-[crowd laughing] -[giggles] No, but…

Um, because… Okay.

So, it's in an email, so let me pull that up.

[crowd laughing and clapping]

[whooping]

My… My fingers are sweating, so…

And I'm locked out of my phone for 87 minutes.

Okay. [laughs] I know. This is a nightmare.

No, um… You know what? I'm a professional.

I'll just do it from memory. So, um…

Hey, guys, welcome in.

[crowd cheering]

Um, for tonight's show,

we'd like to extend, um, a trigger warning.

-Uh… -[crowd laughing]

Tonight's show will include gunshot noises.

[repeated gunshots]

[rapid gunshots]

[crowd laughing]

It… It is a little late for that one. That's my bad.

I apologize if that has bummed you out so far.

Um, guys, hey,

tonight's show might include a little bit of nudity.

[crowd laughing]

[mouthing silently]

[crowd squealing and whooping]

[mouthing silently]

I… Me, personally, I love it.

I love both upstairs and downstairs.

Um, I… I see it a lot here

and… and in my personal life as well.

What else? What else? What else? [giggles]

Um, hey, guys, if there's a fire,

get the hell outta here.

[crowd laughing]

Um… Gosh.

I'm never gonna forget this moment.

So I just wanna say, um,

I guess I love you.

Uh…

[kisses] Thank you.

-[crowd cheering] -[fanfare plays]

-[klaxon honking] -Ah!

Stop!

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Erin, our stage manager!

-[male voice] Y-Y-Y-Yeah! -[klaxon honking]

It's a skort, but you could imagine.

Now, this act needs no introduction

but I was told if I do not introduce him that would be confusing.

So, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise and welcome to the stage

the incredible Neil Patrick Harris!

-[rock music playing] -[crowd cheering]

[cheering]

[music ends]

-Neil Patrick Harris, everybody! -[music resumes]

[crowd cheering]

We could only afford his appearance fee.

Okay, so… [laughs]

If you've never seen the show before, that is it. So now, uh…

You did it again, Tucker.

-Now… -[klaxon honking]

[male voice] Y-Y-Y-Yeah!

We've got another performer coming up.

Thank you so much, guys. Appreciate your work.

I, uh…

This next guy comes from Norway, and I know what you're thinking.

-"Nor-way!" -[male voice] Yeah!

Make some noise for the incredible Viggo Venn!

♪ Let's do it again ♪

-[dance music playing] -[crowd cheering]

♪ Let's do it again ♪

[crowd clapping to music]

♪ Let's do it again ♪

[music stops abruptly]

[crowd laughing]

♪ Let's do it again ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Let's ♪

♪ Let's ♪

♪ Do it again ♪

♪ Let's do it again ♪

-[music ends] -Sorry, is that it?

[crowd cheering]

-[Viggo] What? -That's it?

Y-You're done?

-No, no, no. Not yet. Not yet. -[crowd laughing]

Hey… Is that it?

-What do you mean, was that it? -Is that it?

-You want more? -Of course.

♪ Let's do it again ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Let's ♪

♪ Let's ♪

-[music stops] -[crowd cheering]

[crowd whooping]

Can I tell you a Norwegian joke?

[crowd cheering]

[speaking Norwegian]

[crowd laughing]

You heard it before?

-♪ Let's do it again! ♪ -[male voice] Yeah! Yeah!

[Jack] Okay, okay. Alright, alright.

♪ Let's do it… ♪

[Jack] Stop. Alright. Stop, stop.

♪ Do it again ♪

-Wanna hear a Norwegian joke? -[cheering]

-[distorted groaning] -[laughing]

-♪ Do it again ♪ -[music ends]

[crowd cheering]

♪ Let's do it again ♪

-[groaning] -[laughing]

[Jack] No!

♪ Let's do it again ♪

[klaxon honking]

[music continues]

[music stops abruptly]

Who is that guy?

Who the fuck are you?

-[gun cocking] -[crowd laughing]

I will exercise my right. [laughs]

And my left.

-[gunshot] -No, but… [laughs]

No, no.

-[crowd laughing] -Uh-oh.

-[repeated gunshots] -Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

[crowd laughing]

[crowd cheering]

♪ Let's do it again ♪

-Okay. Alright. -Stop, stop, stop.

-Stop it. Stop it. -[music fades]

-Stop it. -Come on!

-Come on. Stop it. -Stop it.

[Jack] I didn't do anything.

-You stop it! -You stop it! I can't stop.

You guys are up here. You gotta take it down a few notches.

No, keep the energy up. They are perfect.

-No, put it down. -No.

-No. -Stop.

-Stop it. -[crowd cheering and whistling]

You guys, this is serious.

We are upset.

We have been watching this whole show backstage.

And we are appalled.

Not one person

has made a land acknowledgement yet.

[crowd laughing]

-That's what you're upset about? -What are we doing?

-So I guess it's on our shoulders. -Yeah.

-We're back there, we're doing research. -Hastily doing research.

We didn't have much time, so we only went back 50 years.

But we gotta do it.

We have to acknowledge who had this land before us.

1975 to 1984,

this land was owned by the Centurion Group.

-Yeah. -[crowd laughing]

Tell 'em who it is.

A consortium of real estate magnates

who lost all their money when it went up their owner's nose.

-Feels like you guys barely did research. -No, we did it. Keep going.

'84 to '96, it was owned by the Oppenheimer Group.

-That's right. -Who made their money off the atomic bomb.

-[explosion] -Okay, come on!

-This is serious here. -Goddammit.

Finally, '97 to 2023,

this land was bequeathed to the Mahogany Group.

Great.

Which you would hope would be Black-owned businesses.

You would hope.

-Not the case. -No.

Turns out it's a construction company that puts mahogany wood

into law office conference rooms, so…

So while you're out there tonight, sitting in your privilege,

why don't you take a moment and think about the corporations

who had their land stolen from them…

So viciously ripped from their clutches.

…so that a theater could be put here?

And while you're thinking about that,

think about this.

♪ Let's do it again! ♪

[dance music playing]

-[music ends] -[crowd cheering]

-[repeated explosions] -[Jack yells]

Viggo Venn and the Just Do It Again nerds!

♪ Let's do it again ♪

-Oh my god. -[music ends]

It's crazy. We have had two acts so far. Um…

Oh my… Oh my god.

There's gotta be a better way to do this, guys.

Hey, who are you throwing this to?

Not to me, not to me, not to me.

Ay-yai-yai. Thanks, guys.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What could you possibly need a trash can for?

Brother, what are you, a Slinky or something?

-This venue is a nightmare. -[crowd laughing]

Now, we want to try something a little bit different tonight.

This is a lot of people's first time being exposed to us, "allegedly."

And, uh, we invited a journalist to live-review the show.

So, from the New York Times…

[brief jazz sting]

-So, uh… -[crowd laughing]

We also, in case you couldn't tell, can't use copyright music,

so we made sure to copy the right music.

[brief jazz sting]

Two notes, that's all we get. So, uh…

[crowd laughing]

[screams]

So, uh… [laughs]

Please welcome to the stage the incredible Martin Urbano!

-[big band music playing] -[crowd cheering]

[clapping and cheering]

-[male voice] Yeah! -[klaxon honking]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

This show's crazy. Uh…

Can I read the review I've been writing? Would that be alright?

[crowd cheering]

"I'm reporting live from the Stamptown Netflix Special taping."

"For those of you who don't know, Stamptown is a comedy variety show."

"But this isn't your mother's comedy variety show, no."

"Your mom sucks."

[crowd laughing]

"The show kicked off with host and emcee Jack Tucker,

a 'bad comedian' character

portrayed by 'bad comedian character actor' Zack Zucker."

[crowd laughing]

"Zack does rapid-fire jokes,

so if you don't like one joke,

that makes sense."

[crowd laughing]

"The first act of the evening was circus duo Daredevil Chicken."

"Couple goals."

Oh, sorry, no.

"A couple goals."

"Never watch that act again,

and never sit in the front row of a Stamptown show."

[crowd laughing]

"After that, we saw from venue manager Erin."

"She reminded me of a Saturday Night Live character,

in a derogatory way."

[crowd laughing]

"Next up was comedian Viggo Venn."

"He may be best known for winning Britain's Got Talent,

and he won by doing the impossible."

"He made notorious sourpuss Simon Cowell

cum backstage."

[crowd laughing]

"After that, we saw from the Sklar Brothers."

"Now, I've always been a fan of twins

from all the porn I watch."

"The Sklar Brothers did a comedic land acknowledgment,

and I am against land acknowledgments."

"If there's one thing I find more annoying than liberal posturing,

it's Indigenous people."

[crowd laughing]

"We're not even halfway through the show,

and I already see a lot of work for the editors."

"More to come, stay tuned."

Martin Urbano, everybody!

-[big band music playing] -[crowd cheering]

I would also like to make a land acknowledgment.

I would like to acknowledge that all of my jokes will land tonight.

-[explosion] -[crowd cheering]

No, it's… We got a tough history.

But I, uh… [laughs]

I'm kind of an ingenious person myself.

-[male voice] Yeah! -But I, uh… [laughs]

Jer, can we get somebody to clean this up for the next act?

-We need to keep the stage clean. -[Jer] Let me get someone.

[rock music playing]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

[crowd cheering]

-[voice] Yeah! -[music ends]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

Fuck it, do it again.

-[rock music playing] -[Jack laughing]

[guitar solo wailing]

-[music ends] -[crowd cheering]

Keep going.

You don't have an AirPod in there.

[crowd laughing]

-You talking to him? -Not the cameraman. I'm talking to you.

-He's talking to you. -Don't go down the barrel. Stay with me.

-Sorry, what? -You don't have a…

You never put it back in. It was in your hand.

You didn't have two in there.

Don't do a third one. I know…

[crowd laughing and cheering]

Don't cheer for…

A round of applause for an AirPod removal?

[crowd cheering]

[cheering intensifies]

[fanfare playing]

I'm sorry, where has that love or support been for me

for one single moment tonight?

See, the mood is down now.

[crowd laughing]

Fuck you.

[crowd whooping]

[male voice] Y-Y-Y-Yeah!

Do you know how hard I've worked for this?

-You talking to that guy? -I'm not talking to him.

You are answering as soon as I finish speaking.

[quietly] Sorry?

Get the hell out of here. Cory Peter Lane, everybody.

-[rock music playing] -[crowd clapping]

[music ends]

This stage is an absolute mess.

It's unreal.

Oh my god. Thanks, guys. Yeah, we gotta do…

-[crowd cheering] -[Jack] Thanks, Neil.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hey, are you okay?

You don't look good.

Yeah, alright.

[crowd laughing]

Man, uh,

I feel like I've been cool about a lot of stuff tonight, you know?

I'm letting a lot of stuff slide.

Yeah, a lot of people sliding over the stage.

[screeching echoes]

[crowd laughing]

Listen, I don't wanna have to do this, but I'm putting my foot down.

[Jack laughing]

I mean, you gotta give it to him. It's pretty amazing.

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Oh my god. We got something very exciting for you.

We're excited to share this with you.

Make some noise and welcome to the stage

the incredible Vanessa 5000!

-[crowd cheering] -[upbeat music playing]

[crowd clapping and cheering]

[music fades]

[crowd whooping]

[laughing]

[robotically] Hello.

[crowd laughing]

My name is Vanessa 5000

and I am here to destroy humanity.

Just kidding, I'm a sex robot. Ha, ha.

[crowd laughing]

[speaking in Spanish]

[crowd laughing]

Would you like to see a demonstration of my capabilities?

[crowd cheering]

Okay.

First things first, a little bit about me.

Aside from the obvious, sucking and fucking…

[crowd laughing]

…I have many amazing qualities

that make me an intelligent purchase for the modern man.

Number one,

I am not made of human flesh,

so I do not contain pathogens.

[crowd laughing]

No monkeypox for me, ha, ha.

[crowd laughing]

Number two,

I come complete with three tight, supple, and realistic-feeling holes

that are 100% removable and dishwasher safe.

[crowd laughing]

-[squeaking] -[crowd laughing]

[crowd cheering and clapping]

And number three,

I am programmed to have a pleasing personality.

I will not nag and make you talk about stupid shit

like your bitch wife, ha, ha.

[crowd laughing]

I will talk to you about things you like to talk about.

So, fellas, what would you like to talk to me about?

Select from the following options.

The big sports game,

Call of Duty,

Dungeons & Dragons,

or cryptocurrency.

[crowd laughing]

[man] Cryptocurrency.

[Vanessa] Okay.

Tell me everything you know about cryptocurrency.

[crowd laughing and clapping]

So, there's a blockchain…

[crowd laughing]

You can use…

Wow, I agree. You are so smart.

I never really thought about it like that. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[crowd clapping]

Okay, fuckers.

Let me see.

What to do? What to do?

I myself do not have desires or preferences.

How about I take a suggestion for a task to complete?

But please,

do not shout your task request out loud.

I would like to show you how I can predict the audience's request

by scanning everyone's search history,

purchase history, credit score, and biometric data.

[whirring and bleeping]

-[short beep] -Okay, bitches.

[crowd laughing]

Downloading a sexy dance

to an industrial rock song that will play out of my asshole.

[crowd laughing]

[industrial rock music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[whooping and whistling]

[squeaking]

[crowd cheering]

[boinging]

[dial-up modem tone playing over music]

-[music stops abruptly] -[crowd cheering and whistling]

Uh-oh, I am stuck.

I am your stepmom.

[crowd laughing]

Won't somebody please get up here and help their poor stepmother?

Sir, you.

Please, please.

-Yes. -[crowd cheering]

I just need you to go ahead and whack me

like an old antenna TV.

[crowd laughing]

[cheering]

[whooping]

Harder.

[crowd laughing]

Harder.

Harder.

[crowd laughing]

You are such a good stepson.

[crowd laughing and clapping]

Why don't you go ahead and give mommy

a little kiss?

[crowd cheering and clapping]

[whooping]

[klaxon honking]

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Herpes detected. Herpes detected.

-Herpes detected. -[crowd laughing]

-Self-destructing in ten, nine… -[alarm beeping]

-Oh, god. Okay. Let's get him outta here. -…eight, seven…

-[alarm whistling] -…six, five, four…

-[whistling intensifies] -…three, two, one.

[explosion]

[crowd cheering]

[sad trumpet playing]

-[lounge music playing] -[crowd cheering]

[Jack] Jonathan Dely on the trumpet.

-How 'bout this guy? -[crowd cheering]

-Buy yourself something nice. -[music fades]

Oh my god, where are you going? Hey, you guys are leaving.

Go get 'em, boys. Get 'em.

[crowd laughing]

Alright, you guys can probably tell I'm kind of stallin' right now, uh…

Not the guy, uh…

You wish, Antifa.

Uh, but, uh… [laughs]

Our next act is not here

and we don't have anybody who can perform.

[emotional music playing]

[crowd laughing]

[cheering]

[clapping and cheering]

[mouthing silently]

[crowd cheering]

Luckily, this is a festival, so we found a replacement very quick.

I am so excited to bring on this next performer.

Please welcome to the stage the incredible Ike Ufomadu!

[crowd cheering]

♪ Here's my strut, do-do-do ♪

♪ Strutting my way on over to you ♪

♪ You like my strut? I like yours too ♪

♪ Strutting my way on over to you ♪

♪ Seems like these days I got nothing to do… ♪

-[music fades] -[crowd cheering]

[crowd laughing]

-Well, well, well. -[crowd laughing]

Well, well, well, well.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well,

well, well, well,

well, well.

Well, well, well.

-Well, well, well. -[crowd laughing]

Well, well, well,

well, well,

well, well.

-Well. -[crowd laughing]

Well.

If it isn't the audience.

-[crowd laughing and clapping] -[klaxon honking]

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to make best friends.

How's everybody out there doing tonight?

-[crowd cheering] -[klaxon honking]

[male voice] Y-Y-Yeah!

A bit about me. My name is Ike… [inhales sharply]

Uf… omadu.

I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly.

I'm sure some of you heard my name and thought, hey, that's a baby name.

[crowd laughing]

And you're right.

It was.

[crowd laughing]

But that baby grew up

into the adult who stands before you now.

That's right. You're looking at someone who's at least 18 years of age.

And loving it.

[crowd laughing]

But that doesn't mean I don't miss being a baby.

I know they call them the terrible twos,

but for me, those were some of the best times of my life.

Terrible twos? More like terrific twos.

Terribly terrific twos.

I forgot to mention at the top

that I will be injecting my jokes with a little bit of humor tonight…

[crowd laughing]

…as a way to keep them both engaging and fun.

As regards astrology, my birth sign is Gemini,

my birth president was Ronald Reagan,

my birth Secretary of State was George Shultz,

and my birth political scandal was the Iran-Contra affair.

[crowd laughing]

Which might not be apparent now,

but once you get to know me, it becomes crystal clear.

[crowd laughing]

Well,

I better split.

[crowd laughing]

Not atomically.

[crowd laughing]

From what little I know of nuclear physics,

the resulting explosion would be devastating.

No, I simply mean that it's time for me to go.

And this is an emotional moment for me.

Since coming out here some few minutes ago,

I can honestly say… [clears throat]

I can honestly say you all have become like an audience to me,

and I'll never forget it.

Good night, everybody. Thank you.

-[crowd cheering] -["Struttin'" playing]

-Ike Ufomadu! -[crowd cheering]

[male voice] Y-Y-Y-Yeah!

Y-Y-Yeah! Yeah!

-My god. -[music ends]

-Thanks, guys. -[crowd cheering]

Sorry, has no one ever seen physical comedy before?

Pantone says it's the new color of 2026.

Oh my god. Jesus Christ.

-What is this? -[crowd laughing]

You got a body cam and a helmet cam?

What are you doing?

-[objects crashing] -[crowd laughing]

Keep going, I'm gonna milk that laugh right there.

[laughing]

I got a bucket full of laughs.

Okay, uh… [laughs]

…this crowd is laugh-tose intolerant.

-[male voice] Uh-oh! -Okay…

[crowd laughing]

Jeremy, line?

-[Jeremy] What? -Yes, what I was doing was the show.

[laughing]

It's crazy, you are so visible, you in the hi-vis.

Hi, Vis! Hello!

Uh, and then…

Roasted you. Suck my balls. And then…

[pained scream from crowd]

[crowd laughing]

[woman] I'm not joking, it really hurts.

[woman screaming]

-Uh… -[Jeremy] Let's stop. Sorry.

-Yeah? Okay, cameras down. -[Jeremy] That's a halt, everybody.

-Is it serious? -[Jeremy] Yeah.

-Okay, um… -[Jeremy] Um…

[Jack] Do you need… Do you need a medic?

[Erin] We have a medic.

[Jeremy] Yeah, bring her backstage.

[Jack] Are you okay?

-[woman] No. -[Jack] Okay.

-[woman] What is all this shit? -[crowd laughing]

Starting to feel like this isn't as serious as I thought.

It's really bad.

You look pregnant. I don't want to be rude, but, uh…

I think my…

my baby wants stage time.

-Oh my god. -[crowd laughing]

-Are you kidding me? We don't… -[crowd cheering]

We don't possibly have…

[woman] Oh my god, wait! No, it's happening!

[woman screams]

I'm having a nepo baby!

-[baby crying] -[crowd laughing]

-[Jack] Oh my god! -[baby crying]

[woman gasps]

Oh my god!

[crowd laughing]

[baby wailing]

[crowd laughing]

-[wailing stops] -[crowd laughing]

[baby panting]

[crowd cheering and clapping]

[fanfare playing]

[crowd laughing]

How's everybody doing tonight?

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Would you guys mind if I try my tight five?

[crowd laughing and cheering]

-[Jack] It's got material already? -Amazing crowd.

I can't believe I'm gonna get to do my set

after grinding material for nine months in the mothership.

-[drum sting] -[crowd cheering]

[male voice] Yeah! Y-Y-Y-Yeah!

Okay.

Let's see, let's see. What do we got? What do we got?

Um…

I just heard this new thing.

Have you guys… you guys hear about this?

It's, uh, it's this new thing called

being alive?

-[drum sting] -[crowd laughing]

Okay, uh… Uh…

Ah, jeez, uh…

What else? What else? What else?

Don't you hate it

when you're trying to sleep

and your dad keeps poking you in the head

with his dick?

[crowd laughing]

It's like, "Come on, buster."

"You go any deeper,

you're gonna get me pregnant."

-[drum sting] -[crowd laughing]

Oh, jeez, I'm…

I'm dying up here.

I feel like I'm coming down with a case of SIDS.

[crowd laughing]

Okay, um, let's see.

[crowd laughing]

[baby coughing]

Mom, can I get a drink of water?

Water! Thank you.

[crowd laughing and clapping]

Ah! Whew!

Thanks, Mom.

I'm killing harder than a wire hanger.

[crowd laughing]

Let's see, what else, what else, what else?

Oh, here we go.

Uh, how about trans stuff?

Okay, no, no, no, no. Okay, that's uh…

Every good legendary comedy special has trans stuff, right?

[crowd laughing]

Just… Just one or two more.

Oh, here we go, here's a good one.

What's the deal with airplane food?

You know, it looks like a spoon

and it sounds like… [imitates airplane engine]

Now, this is what I call a late stage abortion.

Natalie Palamides and Riki Lindhome, everybody!

-[crowd cheering] -[rock music playing]

What's my stance on abortion? Probably something like this.

Hi-yah!

-So, uh… -[crowd laughing]

[fanfare playing]

[slurps]

That was hilarious. Okay, so…

[crowd laughing]

Anyways, um, before we finish this, we got two more acts.

Maybe we check in with our reviewer, Martin Urbano, one last time.

-[crowd cheering] -See what he says.

Let's get a mic stand out here for him. It's Martin Urbano!

-[crowd cheering] -Oh my god.

[big band music playing]

-[music fades] -"Wowie zowie."

"That reviewer guy is good."

"And he's cute too."

"Next up, we saw from an AI sex robot

named Vanessa 5000."

"Which reminds me,

can you believe some people have AI girlfriends?"

"Man,

AI girls never go for nice guys like me."

[crowd laughing]

"After that, we saw from comedian Ike Ufomadu."

"He started his set by getting laughs without saying any punchlines."

"Similar to comedian Matt Rife."

[crowd laughing and clapping]

"In fact, I've always said

Matt Rife is like the white Ike Ufomadu."

[crowd laughing]

"After that, a woman gave birth on stage

and then her baby started doing stand-up."

"Wow. Someone doing stand-up for the first time

in front of a giant theater?"

"Only on Netflix."

-[Netflix intro playing] -[crowd laughing and cheering]

"So I'm just gonna go ahead and call it now."

"Especially since most of the viewers at home

have already turned this off anyway."

"In fact, I think the Stamptown Comedy Special

is going to absolutely dominate the "Continue Watching" list.

[crowd laughing]

"I give Stamptown a well-deserved

two out of five stars."

-[fanfare playing] -[crowd cheering]

[Jack] Martin Urbano, everybody!

-[big band music playing] -[crowd cheering]

-[music fades] -Alrighty, anyways. We, um…

[crowd laughing]

The magic of visual storytelling.

[Jack laughing]

Hear ye, hear ye.

How does he do it? Uh, so…

-[fanfare playing] -[crowd laughing]

Come on, you guys see what I'm smoking on.

Hold on.

Hey, nice to meet you.

[crowd laughing]

Oops, sorry. Just kidding.

-But I, uh… -[rock music playing]

-[music ends] -Whoa, whoa. Where you going?

[man] Bathroom.

Oh, just piss in my mouth.

[crowd laughing]

That's my cousin. Okay. [laughs]

[crowd laughing]

Oof. That's an old classic bit we do all the time,

but it's weird to look your family…

[muffled crashing]

-[cameraman] Got it! -Thank you. So, uh…

[crowd laughing]

I'm sorry. You guys can probably tell, once again, we are filling time right now.

Basically, um…

our closer's not here, and I…

I really don't know what to do right now.

[emotional music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

[cheering intensifies]

[cheering]

Luckily, our closer's not for three more acts,

so we're gonna keep going and hope they show up on time.

Please welcome to the stage my good friends,

it's Britanick!

-[crowd cheering] -[rock music playing]

What's up, guys? My name's Brian McElhaney.

That guy's Nick Kocher. We're Britanick. How you doing?

[crowd cheering]

-Yes. -Absolutely. Guys.

Some of you may know us. We just made our first feature film.

You can watch it on Hulu. It's called Pizza Movie.

-[crowd cheering] -Please do. Thank you.

Hey, hey, sorry. No, uh, cross-platform promotion.

[laughs] Hulu? Hulu gives a shit.

[crowd laughing]

Unless they buy this in a few years. But, um…

By the way, I noticed in the film

you were missing a leading-man type character.

-They were all teenagers in the movie. -Well, I can play teenage on screen.

-Uh… -[crowd laughing]

Okay, you think I'm old and ugly.

[crowd laughing]

-Great. Thank you. -Don't do that again. Okay.

Anyhow, we're so excited to get to do some scripted sketch for you.

It's rare to ever get to do this on this big of a platform.

-I hope you enjoy it. -This is The Chandelier Store.

-Here we go. -Here we go.

-There's supposed to be a sound effect. -[Jeremy] My bad.

Just like a jingly bell.

-[farting] -[crowd laughing]

I think you know that's not the right one.

It's a tring-tring. A bell sound.

-[Jeremy] Bell. Got it. -Okay, you have it?

-[Jeremy] I have a bell. -Let's do it.

-[gong ringing] -Jeremy!

-We don't have time. -Not the right bell.

[in English accent] I'm from London. Big Ben.

-Stop. -This show is so long.

-Why did that trigger that? -I'm from London. Big Ben.

-Jack, please. -Stop. Stop.

[small bell ringing]

-Yeah, that's the bell. -That's the one.

-Here we go. -[Brian] Stay outta here.

-[elephant trumpeting] -Just keep going. Don't worry.

Hello, sir. I'm Lannan Greer.

I'd like to buy a chandelier.

Ah, a chandelier for Lannan Greer.

My mistake. That was unclear.

The chandelier is for my dear.

Her name, of course, is Shannon Lear.

A chandelier from Lannan Greer

to his sweet dear, Miss Shannon Lear.

Hello, my name is Jack Tucker.

[crowd laughing]

What are you doing?

Isn't that clear? My name is Jack Tucker.

Hello, I'd like to be in your movie.

-[Nick] What are you doing? -Ring ring.

[mimics elephant trumpeting]

-Stop it. -[trumpet playing]

[Brian] It fucks up the rhythm.

Hayley, is that you?

Get off stage. What are you doing?

[in Scottish accent] I feel I have broke the fourth wall.

[Brian] Hey, what are you doing?

You've done… This has happened so many times.

-Alright, fine. -We're gonna do it again?

-♪ Let's do it again… ♪ -Oh, come on.

-[dance music playing] -[crowd cheering]

-[music stops] -Oh, wait. I got it.

-Waldo. Found you both. -That's not what this is.

[fanfare playing]

-What? What? -What's this?

No. Don't leave it there. I see you leaving.

-[Brian] Just… It's fine. -Fine. Go.

-Okay. -Hello, my name is Lannan Greer.

I'd like to buy a--

-Goddammit! -[cameraman] Help!

Dylan! No!

[energetic music playing through laptop]

-[crashing] -[Nick] Let's do it again.

Hello, my name is Lannan Greer. I'd like to buy a chandelier.

-A chandelier-- -Did somebody say, "Ice cold beer"?

-[male voice] Y-Y-Yeah! -[upbeat music playing]

[crowd cheering]

I'm sorry, who the fuck is this person?

I'm Chuggy.

[Jack] Chuggy!

-[crowd cheering] -Stop. Stop.

-[Nick] No. -[music continues]

You haven't been established at all in the show.

-[music stops] -What are you talking about?

I'm Chuggy. I've been on stage 16 times tonight.

No, you haven't.

What?

Surely you remember this.

-[music resumes] -It doesn't… It doesn't help.

Chuggy! Chuggy! Chuggy!

-When did you all learn this dance? -[crowd] Chuggy! Chuggy!

The whole crowd knows it. Are you telling them they're lying?

The whole crowd? It's like ten people,

and then 500 bored faces.

No, they love me.

I'm your favorite beer's favorite beer!

[Brian] Uh-huh. Okay, cool.

-[crowd cheering] -[music resumes]

What… What does that mean?

-[crowd] Chuggy! Chuggy! -[music stops]

Let's get the cameras on the crowd. Let's get the crowd going.

No. No. Come on.

-[crowd] Chuggy! Chuggy! -What's wrong with you?

I just want to say, all of you, all of you, would join a cult.

Upsetting.

Also, don't they already have a beer guy?

[rock music playing]

What… I don't mean do it.

[crowd cheering]

[crowd whooping]

[crowd cheering]

[mouthing silently]

[Cory] What the fuck?

[crowd laughing]

What the fuck?

Neil Patrick Harris, you stole my bit!

[mouthing silently]

[crowd laughing and clapping]

[yells] That's it!

[lively saxophone playing]

-You get back here! -[Jack] Get back here!

You get back here! You get back here!

What the fuck?

[music continues]

[klaxon honking]

[klaxon honking]

[music continues]

[music fades]

Hello, sir, I'm Lannan Greer. I'd like to buy a chandelier.

Ah, a chandelier for Lannan Greer.

-And Chuggy as well! -[Brian] Goddammit. Why?

[crowd laughing]

And Chuggy's here too.

Wow. Well, will Chuggy please disappear

if I give Chuggy a beer?

-Oh, no, I don't drink. -[crowd laughing]

-What do you mean? -I'm sorry, you don't like beer?

It makes me less present as a father.

-[lively saxophone resumes] -[klaxon honking]

-Stop it, guys. -[yells]

-[farting] -[Brian] Stop it.

[music continues]

-[phone ringing] -Listen! Hey, hey!

Hey, stop! Jeremy, stop it!

-[music stops] -Fucking stop.

Please, please,

let us do our ske--

[emotional music playing]

[crowd laughing and cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[clapping and whistling]

[cheering and whistling intensifies]

[cheering]

[whooping and clapping]

[crowd laughing]

[laughing and clapping]

[Jack groaning]

[crowd laughing]

[music fades]

[clicks fingers repeatedly]

[inspirational music playing]

[Jack] I'm gonna be honest, guys.

Our closer isn't here yet.

We need a miracle to save this show.

[crowd cheering]

-A hero. -[klaxon honking]

Someone

special.

[music intensifies]

[crowd cheering]

-[music fades] -One more time for Britanick, everybody!

-[Brian] We didn't do anything! -[crowd cheering]

[Jack] Sorry, we just gotta wrap this up.

And how about our good friend, the Clown Boss, it's Chad Damiani!

[crowd cheering]

-Anyways, uh… -[crowd laughing]

We got one final act tonight, and we're gonna take this home.

Are you ready to end this amazing taping of Stamptown and Netflix?

-[crowd cheering] -[klaxon honking]

Then please welcome to the stage the incredible Jordan Gray!

-[rock music playing] -[crowd cheering]

Jack Tucker, everybody!

[crowd cheering]

My name is Jordan Gray. I just flew in from the UK.

I like to think I put the trans in transatlantic flight.

I'm a… I'm a transgender woman,

which means that I used to be…

miserable, and now I'm really happy with my life.

[crowd cheering]

[klaxon honking]

I don't know what you're into, but I promise you,

between my top half and my bottom half,

I do have a little something for everyone.

-[crowd clapping] -I am incredibly versatile.

I'm like a sexual Swiss army knife.

What's that? You don't believe me?

Jeremy, give me a drumroll, baby.

[drumroll]

Keep it going. Drumroll, drumroll.

Is it in there?

Yeah, okay, cool.

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[rock music playing]

Now you know my secret.

[crowd laughing]

I am ginger.

[crowd laughing]

Now, despite all this bravado that I bring to the stage,

I'm quite a sensitive little person,

and it's horrible being transgender right now.

I've written a song about those feelings,

and I'd like to perform that for you, if that'll be alright?

-[crowd cheering and clapping] -Yes!

That leather is a lot colder than I thought it was gonna be.

[piano flourish]

-Oh my god. Wow. This is amazing. -[playing melody]

This is… Los Angeles, I love you. Thank you so much.

-This… -[crowd cheering]

This sort of shit doesn't happen to people like me.

I'm so fucking happy to be here.

Stamptown is the greatest show in the world.

-Thank you. -[crowd cheering]

[breathes heavily]

♪ I look out at the faces in this room ♪

♪ And wish that I could crawl back in the womb ♪

♪ And start again, against God's plans ♪

♪ With different glands And smaller hands ♪

♪ I wish the world could finally understand ♪

♪ I'm more than just a female Russell Brand ♪

♪ No wonder why I feel so incomplete ♪

♪ I stand alone on massive fucking feet ♪

[crowd laughing]

♪ How come I can't use the women's loos ♪

♪ But Katy Perry gets to go to space? ♪

[crowd laughing]

♪ Yet if I was Russian and a hooker ♪

♪ I could piss in Trump's actual face ♪

[crowd cheering]

Yeah, that's right, I went there.

Oh no, what's he gonna do? Grab me by the pussy?

I would like to see that man try.

[crowd cheering]

[laughs] It would actually be incredibly validating.

♪ And as I gaze out At the pity in your eyes ♪

♪ I guess it's time I finally realize ♪

♪ That I'm just ♪

♪ Better than you ♪

♪ And in a way, I always knew ♪

♪ I'm such a fucking genius, ah! ♪

♪ You don't have a fucking clue ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm better than you ♪

♪ But don't let that upset you, dear Ah! ♪

♪ At least you get to watch me play ♪

♪ You're lucky that I'm even here ♪

♪ 'Cause I can sing like a motherfucker ♪

♪ Play like a motherfucker ♪

♪ Dance like a motherfucker ♪

♪ Act like a motherfucker ♪

♪ Fact, I'm a better lover than any other ♪

♪ If you came here with your mother I'll fuck her just like a motherfucker ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ I'm an arousing little mystery In your husband's Google history ♪

♪ Go and check the results ♪

♪ I'm a perfect woman My tits will never shrink ♪

♪ And I'm guaranteed to squirt ♪

♪ And I do anal by default ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ I am the Lizard King ♪

♪ I can do anything ♪

♪ That any other woman can ♪

But then, what do you expect?

♪ I used to be a man ♪

Sexist? Oh, no.

♪ I'm better than you ♪

♪ And in a way, I always knew ♪

♪ I'm such a fucking genius, ah! ♪

♪ You don't have a fucking clue ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm better than all of you ♪

[crowd cheering and clapping]

♪ 'Cause I'm better than all of you ♪

♪ But only 'cause you told me so ♪

♪ The day that I came out as trans ♪

♪ It feels like a long time ago ♪

♪ I put on lipstick and some earrings and a dress ♪

♪ You said I was incredible ♪

♪ You put me on this pedestal ♪

♪ You told me I was beautiful ♪

Oh!

♪ You bunch of fucking liberals ♪

[crowd cheering and clapping]

♪ This is you! It's your fault! ♪

♪ You convinced me that I was amazing ♪

♪ "You're so beautiful, Jordan. You're fantastic." ♪

♪ "You're so pretty. You're so brave." ♪

♪ "You're so brave. You're so brave." ♪

♪ "You're so brave. You're so brave." ♪

♪ I didn't even change my fucking name ♪

♪ I just came up here I said, "I'm trans!" ♪

♪ Woke up in the morning with a billion fans ♪

♪ And you love me, I'm amazing! ♪

♪ You love me Don't pretend that you don't ♪

♪ 'Cause you love me, I'm amazing! ♪

♪ You're so ugly, I'm amazing! ♪

♪ You're so ugly ♪

♪ And I know in your hearts that you love me ♪

[crowd cheering]

This is the best night of my fucking life!

[music continues]

[crowd cheering]

[screams]

My god, I'm so fucking talented!

[crowd cheering]

[Jordan breathes deeply]

-Oh my… -[Jack] Love you.

[melody continues softly]

♪ Prince said times are changing ♪

♪ So it's time We reach for something new ♪

♪ And David Bowie said That we could all be heroes ♪

♪ If we want to ♪

♪ Now some of you think I'm disgusting ♪

♪ Like a soup with a skin on it ♪

[crowd laughing]

♪ But if I'm gonna be a joke ♪

♪ Then I might as well be in on it ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ If I'm gonna be a joke ♪

♪ Then I might as well be in on it ♪

Thank you so much Los Angeles! I love you!

Thank you so much!

-[crowd cheering] -God bless America, baby!

And look after each other, 'cause it's fucking scary out there!

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[cheering]

Jordan Gray, everybody!

[funk music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[Jack] Keep it going for the original house band,

our good friends, it's Thumpasaurus!

[crowd cheering]

One more time for this amazing cast!

This is a dream come true!

Long live Philippe Gaulier! Never give up!

Suck on this! We're never gonna die!

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

♪ Matter what you say ♪

♪ I just want to be flattered ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

♪ Matter what you say ♪

♪ I just want to be flattered ♪

♪ It doesn't matter… ♪

[Jack] Can you believe they let us do this?

♪ I just want to be flattered… ♪

Hey, hey, hey!

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

♪ Matter what you say ♪

♪ I just want to be flattered ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

-[music ends] -[crowd cheering and whistling]