Original subtitles

Don't mourn for Joe Strombol.

Joe Strombol led a full life.

A newspaper man in the best tradition.

A great credit for the Fourth Estate.

It didn't matter if the bombs in the war zone were falling.

It didn't matter how high up the political scandal went.

Or how many big corporations or small-time racketeers leaned on him.

Whatever the risk, if there was a story there, Joe went after it.

And he usually got it.

Well, I was reading when the story broke about Prince Charles and that made him

persona non grata with the whole family. Except with Diana.

They always remain good friends. Yeah, yeah. Did love a woman.

Do you know, um, you know he started as a police reporter? Did he? Yeah. He was

a bloody good one. One of the best. Made me the best.

I got trapped with Joe once in Afghanistan.

Yeah. And we were going to be shot any moment by the Taliban until...

Typically, Joe found someone to bribe, so he could escape.

Not with his own money, though.

No, he got it on expensive.

But it did involve us getting out wearing burqas.

And we lived to write another day.

Everyone loved him.

Yeah. Not always the British intelligence. He got the information

before anyone else. Yeah, he did.

Richard Nixon, huh?

Well, wherever you are now, Joe, it won't be the same without you, mate.

Joe, go strong, will you?

Where we headed?

Does this mean anything to you?

He doesn't give answer. Tried it.

Joe's thrombosis.

Coronary thrombosis.

Jane Cook.

So, what... Do you do? Reporter.

You?

I'm, uh, well, I was personal secretary to Peter Lyman, Lord Lyman's son.

He's an impressive young man.

You knew him? Not only by reputation, but I like when I know.

I think he's got a real future in politics.

How'd you die?

I think I was poisoned.

You think?

Why?

I believe I was poisoned because I was on the verge of confirming a terrible

suspicion.

Yes, what suspicion is that?

That Peter Lyman is the serial killer known to the police as the tarot card

killer.

What?

I assume you're aware of that case.

Yes, I wrote an article two years ago when the tarot killing first started,

but Peter Lyman?

Oh, my God.

What on earth made you suspect this rich, young, handsome, above reproach

citizen? You remember the last murder? The police found a clue.

Yeah, cuffing. I read about it in the paper. Unusual antique, wasn't it?

Yep. Very rare art deco.

Peter had the exact pair.

So could have the tarot killer.

The world is full of coincidences. Yeah, except I noticed that Peter only had one

left. He'd lost the other.

Still, although it's a tantalizing thought, did you inform the police or

was that too sticky?

I don't know what to do.

So I phoned my lawyer and I asked his advice on whether to report it or not.

And I thought I heard this click on the phone. You know, like someone had been

listening.

Later that day, after tea, I died.

Suddenly.

That is suspicious.

My God.

Peter Lyman. Hard to believe it. If he did turn out to be the tower killer...

What a story.

I knew you'd appreciate it when you said you were a reporter.

This would be a dynamite scoop, and I got it first.

Unfortunately, where you're headed, there is no first.

There's only last.

Mr.

Tinsley? Yeah?

Sandra Pransky.

Who?

Sandra Pransky.

I'm the journalism student from Adair. I wrote to you about getting an interview

for the school newspaper.

Oh, um... And you, uh, your secretary, actually, because not you. I mean, I

know how busy film directors get and all. But you said if I was in London

visiting, then you would, you know, and here I am, which is fantastic.

I think I have your letter, actually. See, right now I'm a bit tied up. Here

it is.

Here it is.

This is so great for me. I mean, you've got a huge following in Rochester.

It gets very cold there, with your new movie coming out in the fall.

Um, actually... I was wondering if we could just ask you a couple questions,

do you mind? Okay, okay, but we've got to be real quick.

I write for the cultural part of the paper.

I'm looking to move into more serious pieces.

And when you say something more serious, is that...

You really want to know?

Well, originally, I wasn't going to go to college. I was going to become a

dental hygienist like my sister Beverly.

And don't get me wrong, it's a great profession. I have very high respect for

teeth and gums, particularly gums. My whole family is in orthodontics, but...

And what, you're vacationing here?

Oh, yes.

I'm very friendly with a very upper-class British family. Our family

vacationed in Palm Beach together. My mother won a visit to Palm Beach, and I

became friends with their granddaughter, Vivian. She's so lovely. She'll stay

with us.

Another? Oh, thanks.

So, I slept with him.

And I didn't even get the interview. I mean, what kind of reporter am I? How

was the sex?

Give me all the details.

Who knows? I was so drunk, I don't even remember.

All I know is that the second it was over, he got a phone call and had to

leave suddenly for Thailand.

Thailand? Yeah, Justin Richards got fired from some project and he had to

take over. What difference does it make? The point is, I told the whole school

I'd get an exclusive with Michael Tinsley.

You a novice.

You're inexperienced. You drank.

He's a charming genius.

But, you know, you're a very attractive, sexy girl. If you're going to interview

movers and shakers in their hotel rooms, you'd better watch out.

Not that I'd mind a roll in the hay with Michael Tinsley. I put some fresh towels

in your bedroom, Sandra.

Thank you, Mr. Tantra. Come on, sweetheart.

Chop, chop. You're going to be late.

Oh, Mom.

The point is, I didn't get to... story. I mean, if I use my feminine wildfire,

like Katharine Hepburn or Rosalind Russell. Oh, come on. We'll go have

lunch at the Ivy, and then we'll take my little brother to see that show he's so

excited about, and then we'll go to that party tonight.

There'll be loads of gorgeous guys there, and you're always saying all the

men you meet are complete losers.

So you blew the story.

It's not life or death.

gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the astonishing magic of...

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You're an incredible audience. I mean that

sincerely. I say that from the bottom of my heart. You know, every time I come to

London, this great city, I always get a sincere sensation because you're

marvelous people, beautiful humans.

And my next experiment, and I call it an experiment, not a trick, I'm going to

need a volunteer.

So you'll step out and find someone for me. This is kind of dangerous stuff, so

no children here. I need a grown-up volunteer.

Someone is going to throw life on the line.

Is this your first time on stage?

Yes. Yes, you've never done one. You've got nothing to be afraid of. Are you

nervous? Don't be nervous.

What is your name? Tell me your name.

Sandra Pransky. Oh, a lunch with the United States.

Fantastic. And where are you from, Sandra? No, no, no. Don't tell me

because I've got a great ear for that kind of thing.

Alabama. Am I right?

All right?

Close. Yeah? I'm from Brooklyn.

Incredible. God bless you, sweetheart. I'm from Brooklyn, too. That is

fantastic. I feel such love coming from this woman. I can't tell you. It's

really, I say this with all sincerity, from the bottom of my heart, you're an

incredible human being and a credit to your race.

Sandra, let me ask you a question. What do you do?

Tell them what you do.

I'm a student.

Yeah, a student. And what are you studying?

No, no, I got an instinct.

for what a person's studying, for exactly what you'd be right for.

Dental hygienist. Was I close?

Oh, I'm a journalism student. You're from journalism. Have you ever been

dematerialized before?

No. No, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm just going to agitate some of your

molecules and split them apart. It's not going to hurt.

I just ate.

You just ate.

I'll do the jokes, Sandra.

Now, Sandra, I'm going to ask you to step into that box, and I'm going to

have your molecules split up. I'm going to split them up. It's going to be very

painless. I'm going to put you back together again. Don't tickle me.

Tell him. Tell him what you just said to me. You've got to hear this. Tell him

what you said to me. No, tell him. Tell him.

Don't tickle me.

God bless you. You've got a fantastic sense of humor.

You know, if more people in the world had a sense of humor, we would not be in

the state we're in today.

Get in the box. Get in the box.

Get in the box.

Get in the box.

I'm going to agitate the molecules now with Sandra Mandelbaum.

Franski.

Franski Mandelbaum. They go to the same holidays. It doesn't matter. Get in the

box. Don't be scared.

You in there?

You're a journalist, right? Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

Aren't you a journalist?

I mean, those are the vibrations I've been concentrating on.

Are you ready, Sandra?

I'm Joe Stromble, reporter, and I have the scoop of the decade about the tarot

card murder case.

I mean, it'll be fantastic. It's got everything.

Big names, murder, prostitution.

I'm going to start agitating your molecules.

You're a journalist. I've got some information for you. Big story. Big,

big, big scoop.

Be alive.

Come on out, Sutton. Come on out, sweetheart.

Come on out, sweetheart.

The trick's over.

It's over. It's over.

She's a little stunned.

She's never been on stage before, so, you know, she's a little stunned.

Your molecule's okay? Is everything feeling good? You're all in shape? You

got all your parts?

That's fantastic.

Okay, Sutton, take your seat.

Go back to your seat. Go back to your seat. Go back to your seat. Go ahead.

She's great. Let's hear it for her. Great. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go back to

your seat.

Will you take out the blue light, please?

I'm getting a completely negative vibration from the blue. It's not right.

There's a lady, Caesar.

Hey, Mandelbaum. I'm a school newspaper, am I right? No, Pransky. Listen, I have

to talk to you about something very serious. When you put me inside that

box... Ah, I smell a frivolous luster to you. Are you going to tell me you're

getting headaches now or something? Dizzy spells?

No, no. When you put me inside that Chinese box... Yeah, to dematerialize,

huh?

Spirit materialized.

Uh-huh. Mr.

Splendini, I'm very serious about this. You can drop the Splendini. My name's

Sidney Waterman. You know what I mean? I just go exotic to give the square

haircuts a little charisma now and then. Look, the spirit appeared right next to

me. to me. At first I thought he was one of your stooges.

I don't work with stooges, you know, because you gotta pay him health

benefits. But then he told me his name was Joe Strombol, a journalist from the

land of the departed.

I couldn't believe it. I'm a journalist. He's a journalist. I mean, our vibes

must have kind of meshed together, and, you know, he didn't say that in so many

words, but I'm putting two and two together here.

Do me a favor.

Put two and two together someplace else, because I'm very, very busy, so do you

mind? Listen, I googled him, okay? There is a Joe Strombol, and he died three

days ago.

Uh-huh.

Just put me back in the box.

Now, uh, I'm going to agitate the molecules, so let me know if anything

happens, you know? Just keep me posted.

I'll be right here.

The molecules are whirling.

Mr. Strombol, uh, Joe, I...

Sandra Pransky here. I'm a journalist at Adair. I know you may have been aiming a

little bit higher, but I assure you, whatever I lack in experience, I make up

for in dedication.

I'm beginning to lose patience, Sandra, so let's go. Is there anybody in there

at all?

Nothing, nothing yet.

Okay, that's it.

Finito. I've had it.

Come on, sweetheart. If I were you, I would not tell this episode to anyone

else because they'll take away your driver's license. I don't understand.

What? What's the understanding?

It's plywood.

I built it. What are you thinking? It's spirits?

And there's a world of departed people?

I don't know what you've been smoking, but don't try and bring it through

customs. Darling, I'm a little late.

Sweetheart, I love you. You know that. I say this with all due respect.

Sandra? Sandra?

Mr. Jordan. Listen to me, Sandra.

Carefully, listen to me. Write this down. This is a big story.

You got a pen?

I only have a minute. Will you hurry?

Fine. There's every reason to believe that Peter Lyman, you got that name?

Yes. Peter Lyman, son of Lord Lyman, a respected businessman, rich, good

-looking, very successful.

That Peter Lyman is the tarot card serial killer.

Just write this down. If so, then he's murdered a dozen women, short-haired

brunette prostitutes. And if it turns out to be Lyman, that's the biggest

story to hit London since Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper.

Is that capitalized?

There's no knowing where he'll strike next, but more women will be murdered

until he is stopped.

That's horrible. We have to notify the police.

No, no. What kind of reporter are you? That will be a disaster. God, no.

He's a respected millionaire.

He can't accuse anyone, let alone someone like that, without substantial

proof. And once you've alerted him to the suspicion that he is under

suspicion, then he'll be impossible to trap.

Not to mention doubly dangerous.

There's also a possibility that he poisoned his secretary because he

suspected that she was learning the truth.

Now, you have to get the story first, but first you have to get the story

right.

There's no certainty in this, or... I've got a feeling in my gut about this, the

kind of journalists dream about.

And so far, no one else has the information.

Oh, if I was around today, I'd find a way to...

Get the facts and break this case wide open. Now, believe me, Chandra.

You can wait your whole life for a story like this. Don't blow it.

And be careful.

Lives are in the balance.

Possibly may be yours.

Gotta go.

That's it for me. You've got to help me with this. Not me, honey. I'm a

prestidigitator. I do coin tricks and card tricks. And I'm a journalist

sitting on top of the biggest stories of all time. You threw a college paper.

Kid, you're in over your head. You know what you should do? You should share

this story.

Share it? No.

I've got to dig up the facts, and then I've got to shop it around to every

paper in town.

Look at how this is.

Soon you'll be drinking the black coffee and smoking cigarettes with the hat

back. We don't have much time here. I mean, we've got to...

You know, this guy's a serial killer. He could just kill at any moment. I heard

that part. That's when I knew I was going to make other plans.

You should go call the police. That's what I do. Yeah, what am I going to tell

him? Tell him exactly what he told you, that Lord Lyman's son, Peter, he

suspects is a serial killer.

Uh-huh, and when they ask me where I got this information from?

Oh, tell him. You know, just say, you know, tell him.

Explain to him.

You know, say, tell him.

Where did you get the information?

Is that the question that you just asked?

I would not say anything if I were you, because they'll put you away.

That's exactly what I'm saying, or what I'm going to say. I got this information

from a dead guy?

Listen, this is not for me, Sandra.

I don't do this. I do occasional bar mitzvahs and kids' parties.

You know, you're blocking up the wrong tree.

Peter Lyman. Who is Peter Lyman, you know? How can we meet him? How can we

see what we're dealing with here?

What are we doing here? You don't even know what the guy looks like. That's why

we're here. I just couldn't get a clear picture of him on the internet, so...

Jesus. And what are we going to do if we see him? I mean, what are you going to

learn by looking at him? Unless he strangles a passerby.

I don't know, Sidney. I'm improvising.

I should be home working on my magic.

Hey, why don't you think about this as adding some excitement to your life?

Hey, sweetheart, excitement in my life is...

Dinner without heartburn after it.

You have a family.

I had a wife, but she dumped me. She couldn't believe that.

Somehow.

She thought I was immature and that I never grew up.

I had a great rebuttal for her. I could have nailed her, you know. But I raised

my hand. She would not call on me.

Sidney. What? That's him.

Let's follow him.

Follow him? What do you want to follow him for?

I'm telling you, we need clues. We need a lead. We've got to start someplace.

No, darling, I do not think this is a good idea. It's a very good idea.

Come on.

Be careful.

Hey, don't touch anything.

You know, if you break something here, you're gonna be washing dishes the rest

of your life.

Okay.

Okay, now you've seen him. Let's go.

Jerry! It's Jerry Bird with his chiropractor.

That's how you follow a guy? It's not even Peter Lyman. I told you the photos

weren't clear.

Sweetheart, you should live and be well. I say this with all due respect, but

without me, I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm hungry, I'm going home. God love you.

I'll look for your byline.

That's become your favorite person. Why?

I ran into someone today who said that Peter Lyman swims at the Governor's Club

every day.

Really? What's the Governor's Club?

It's this posh private club, but Daddy's partner's a member, and members are

allowed to bring guests. Wow.

Do you think I could bring someone?

I'm sure Daddy can arrange it. When do you want to go?

How can I help you?

Hi. We're guests of the Fultons.

We're here to take a dip.

Oh, yes, yes. The lockers are on the first floor. The pool's downstairs.

Great.

By the way, is Peter Lyman here by any chance?

Mr. Lyman.

Yes, came in a few minutes ago. What color bathing suit does he have on?

Do you want me to clash with him?

So, do you swim?

Of course I don't swim. You have to ask.

What? They say it's the best form of exercise.

Yes, but when I go into the water, my glasses, you know, float off my head

into the pool.

Hey, that's got to be him.

Yeah, well, make sure this time, because I don't want to swim around after

another chiropractor.

He's very handsome.

This guy is a serial killer like I play for the New York Jets.

How can we meet him?

You know, I don't know. They have a class system. He's an aristocrat, and,

you know, we're commoners.

According to his system, I think we're probably classified as scum.

It's their only chance. He's all alone.

You're a pretty girl. You know, I think you could probably get this guy to get

interested in you.

Particularly if he's got a twisted mind.

Look, I can't just go up to him and say, hi, how are you? I mean, what if he gets

suspicious or, you know, if he gets kind of put off or...

What? Drown. Drown. I'll go get coffee.

Listen to me. I'll go get coffee, get a cramp, go in the water, flounder around,

you know.

Yes. Go ahead, sweetheart. That's a great idea.

He'll oblige to save you that way. And if he doesn't, you know, then I'll

notify your parents.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Sorry.

Maverick, it's so nice.

It's all right.

My leg cramped.

Here, stretch it out.

Thank you.

You should always do a little stretching before you go in. That way you won't

cramp. Oh, thank you very much.

I haven't been swimming in so long.

You're a new face.

Have you just become a member?

Oh, no, I'm a guest of the Fulton. Oh, right, Jack. What a nice, lovely chat.

I'm Peter Lyman, by the way. Hi.

Jade.

Jade Spence. Jade Juilliard Spence.

That's a very pretty name.

Thank you.

Yes, we're the Spences.

At Palm Beach.

Oh, not the same Spencer as you're in the shipping line.

No, no, no.

My father's into silver and gold and drilling.

For wealth.

What are you doing in London?

I'm here visiting friends in Holland Park.

What do you do, Jade?

I'm an actress.

Really? Yes.

Actually, I'm up for the part of Desiree in the new Mike Tinsley film.

Well, you're certainly beautiful enough.

Thank you.

Look, Jade, if you're not busy, my father's giving a garden party at the

Tate on Sunday, and I'd love you to come. I'd be very happy to be your date

and show you around. The English countryside is very lovely this time of

year. Sounds fantastic.

Do you mind if I bring my father?

Your father?

Oh, look, there he is right now.

I was in the lounge. I heard you drowning.

Finished my tea and scones and came immediately.

Dad, this is Peter Lyman, who was there enough to rescue me.

Dad?

Yes, of course, child.

She cannot swim.

The girl cannot swim like a lead wave.

Feet to the bottom all the time. It's a family trait. Like a buoyant seal. Her

siblings have it as well.

Well, listen, pleasure to meet you, Mr.

Spence, right?

Yes, and I'll see you on Sunday at East State.

Great. What Sunday? Not a fox hunt?

No. No, Dad, I'll explain it to you later.

Listen, I'll leave all the information at the desk, all right?

Come, child.

What kind of idiot are you? Not a fox hunt? I'd like to talk to these people

on their own terms.

And, oh, thanks for telling him I'm your father.

Oh, incidentally, he thinks my name is Jade Spence, so that makes you Mr.

Spence. Wait a minute.

This is too tricky. I don't want to go ahead with this.

Well, what's wrong with you? Your whole life is deception. You're a magician.

Yes, I'm a magician, and I want to stay a magician. I don't want to get sued or

deported or arrested for stalking somebody.

Mike, this is a big guy you're dealing with. This is a big story. No kidding.

That's what Joe Stromboli... said that's why he's retiring. Do you know? This is

his last big scoop. What do I care about Joe Strummel? Suddenly I'm taking

direction from a hunk of ectoplasm? This could be very big for my career.

Your career's fine. You're on the college bugle or whatever it is. You've

got years for scoops. You know what? Forget you, all right? I'll do this on

my own. I don't need you. Go back to your card tricks.

I didn't say I wouldn't help you.

You know, I just... It has to be done properly.

You know, we gotta...

Put our heads together.

If we put our heads together, you'll hear a hollow noise.

This place, all it's missing is a moat.

Hey, I could get used to this.

Look at this.

Oh, there he is. Remember, Jade Spence.

Jade who?

There you are. Hello.

Oh, you're welcome, Mr. Spence. Oh, hello from Jade.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. It's beautiful here. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, it's

been in the family for years. About 400 years.

She said all that's missing is a moat.

Right. I love that. I love the moat line.

All that's missing is a moat. This is my father.

Father, Stephen Lyman. This has been my friends from America telling me about

it. Lord Lyman? Hello.

I've never met a lord before.

How exciting.

There was that earl.

There was that earl.

I do hope you're enjoying yourself.

Peter, why don't you show them around?

Absolutely. Would you like that?

He's charmed, I'm sure.

Should we hit the buffet table first, though? No, Dad.

Remember, we wanted to look around.

Of course, blessed offspring.

Why don't we get a drink, and then we'll start inside.

Oh, okay.

I love this room. We often spend evenings in here. The English

countryside. It's elegant yet understated. I like that.

You've done wonders with the place.

Brings to mind Trollope. Oh, do you enjoy reading Trollope, too?

No, no, not the author. This is a girl I knew.

Well, come, let's go upstairs and have a look at the view.

Would you quit?

fooling around? What's wrong with you? I'm charming.

You've got to remember things. I remember. I've got a mnemonic system

that I use. I use images. It's a trick.

Say, I want to remember this ashtray. I think of, like, 50 ashtrays dancing on a

desert island in hula skirts or something, and I remember. I can call it

to mind whenever I... Where are you going?

This is one of the drawing rooms.

Oh, this is really beautiful, isn't it? Oh, here we have... This is my great

-grandfather. There's a grandfather and his wife, Lady Hayden.

Reminds me of the portrait of Anne Hillary in the library, no?

Gay woman Hillary.

Suffragette, I believe.

Yeah.

Diphtheria took her.

Or perhaps it was Elm Blight.

Come on, Dad.

Oh, this is just beautiful.

Yes, I love the lake.

Do either of you fish?

No, no, never have.

Oh, I'll have to teach you.

I've taken some salmon, you know, organic.

Oh, yes, me too. I fly fish a little, but...

So, Jay, do you enjoy concerts? I'm very big on the Philharmonic. We sponsor, in

fact. I used to play the violin very badly, but I have a number of...

Actually, quite a large musical collection. Do you play an instrument,

either of you? Because we have these lovely music gatherings. I do, yes. I

play the various classics, you know, Noel Coward and Shakespeare.

Right. We gave her piano lessons when she was a little girl, but her fingers

were just too stubby.

Yes. What about you, Mr. Fence?

Well, I play the blues harp.

It's a little metal thing you put in your mouth, and it makes a twanging

sound, very musical.

It used to be called the Jews harp, but you know how those people are. They're

like a hint of anti-Semitism when they write letters. I would love it if you

could teach me how to fly fish. That would be great.

It would be my pleasure.

Okay, I want you to watch me very closely. Pay very strict attention here.

Now, I want you to take your card. Take any card you like. You got it?

Go ahead, sweetheart. Take it. You got it?

Now put it in your pocketbook.

She's going to put the card in her pocketbook. You got it? Now tell

everybody what the card was.

It was a six and a half. Six and a half. Can I ask you a question? Was it a six

and a half?

But I just put that in my bag.

Check your card. Check your card.

It's amazing.

You're a wonderful sportsman. I mean that sincerely.

God bless you. You're a very sweet woman. And this has been a great group.

From the bottom of my heart, I say this with all due respect, you're a wonderful

fan. Credit to your race and a magnificent group of people. I must find

out who does the hedges here. Back home, my topiary moose is starting to look a

little shabby around the antlers. What do you do, Mr. Spence?

I'm in real estate.

I'm sorry, I'm in oil. I'm in oil. I was in real estate, but, you know, land

is... It's so difficult to come by now, especially outdoors.

It's become a problem.

I accept your invitation.

I will play poker this weekend.

I've seen how good you are at cards.

Can we trust you?

Tell me about yourself, Peter. This is all so new to me.

Well, what would you like to know?

Oh, I don't know. Anything you'd care to reveal.

You know, your hopes, your dreams.

Well, I come from a privileged family, as I'm sure you can tell.

It was always decided one day I would enter politics.

My hobbies, polo, and, oh, I own some racehorses.

How's that for a start?

What are your hopes and dreams?

I like to dance and visit museums, and I could cook Chinese food.

If you know any good Chinese restaurants... Oh, uh...

I've gotten very interested in New Age phenomena recently.

Like what?

You know, mystical things like astrology and

crystals and tarot.

Do you know anything about tarot cards?

Not really. I'm more scientific-minded.

I find that if... What are you staring at?

Oh,

you have wonderful enamel.

Thank you. Thank you. You know, I would love to take you dancing one night. I'm

a good dancer.

Oh, I would love that. That'd be great.

Can I confess something?

Sure. I just love an American accent, and I find much of what you say very

amusing.

Oh, I'll take that as a compliment.

And since you like Chinese food, I'm going to have my new secretary send you

a list of all the great ones in town.

Oh, you have a new secretary?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I'm breaking in someone knew my previous secretary died a young woman

just very suddenly of a blood clot. It was awful Did they do an autopsy?

How do we get onto this morbid subject? So you've never seen a real English

garden before?

Come I have a couple treasures

Would I offend you if I told you something?

Probably not.

You're very, um, very different from the women I usually meet.

Oh, that's a good thing.

Well, I just can't seem to get the vision of you in your swimsuit out of my

mind. Oh, I'm glad you liked it. With Mark down.

Now, that's exactly what I mean. You just have this very direct and informal

way about you. You take after your father.

Mm-hmm. Great.

And, uh, you have a very sensual quality.

But I'm sure you've been told that.

Wow. You work really fast.

God, am I ever bearing the aggressive? I'll stop.

Oh, no, don't. You just were getting warmed up.

Are you romantic by nature? I mean, I won't say do you believe in love at

first sight, because that's a cliche, but... Have you ever had an experience

where a bell goes off just right away?

Oh, sorry. I need those.

You see, I can't wear contacts. I don't like to put my finger on my eyeball.

Right.

Well, goodbye. We must meet for tea and crumpets again.

I could have strangled you if you didn't shut up. And stop telling people I

sprang from your loins. I'm trying to cement the fact that I'm your father.

God, you're so fantastic. I can't imagine you'd do anything bad. This guy

is not a serial killer, believe me. I...

be very surprised if he even killed one person. He asked me to go dancing next

week. That's a perfect strategy. You worm your way in like a rodent or a

roach, and as the crumbs fall off the table, you collect them and we analyze

them. Aha.

Thanks a lot. Look at this. Look at this. Look what I got.

Betty G.

Yeah. What is this? It's a doodle. He doodled it.

How do you know he doodled it? How do you know this is his?

What do you mean, how do I know it's his? I stole it out of his overnight

bag. What the hell is this?

It's a clue. We're hard up for clues.

It's not a clue. What does it mean? It could be his aunt. It could be his

travel agent.

I'm late for dinner. You want to come and eat something?

No. No, thank you.

Peter called. He's going to be late.

He's got to start without.

Oh, well, come again. That's right. That's beautiful.

Okay.

Come on.

You all right?

This is it. Anyone else?

No, he's still in.

Anything else? I was completely bogged down in the office.

Okay. All right, who's winning?

Mr. Spencer's a good poker player, Peter.

Yes, I might have known.

Actually, I bought my first Rubens with poker winnings.

You bought a Rubens painting.

Not a painting, a sandwich.

I could use a drink.

He asked me if I believed in love at first sight. How sweet is that? So

naive. Well, I hope you told him yet.

I told him we had nothing in common. We come from completely different

backgrounds. I think he liked that or something.

But what about the story you're writing on him? What is that all about?

Kate Thompson, a short-haired brunette, was strangled at Falkenberg Place last

night at 9.30. Next to the body of the short-haired brunette prostitute was the

hangman card from the tarot deck.

What time did you say Peter arrived at the poker game last night? If you're

asking me, did he have time to strangle somebody and make the card game, yes, he

had plenty of time.

I gotta let my feelings subside and probe deeper into this, Kate. What does

that mean?

Well, it means we know where his family lives, we know his social circle, but we

don't know what his house looks like. I want to get a look at that.

Here we are.

Wow, this is really nice.

Thank you.

Yes.

Do you do a lot of entertaining?

I'm embarrassed to say that I do. You must think I'm an empty socialite. Much

of it's political.

Oh, no.

I think you're swell.

That's a lovely painting.

I recognize that from my art history book.

Oh, really? Yes. Henry Moore. In fact, it was a present from Henry Moore to my

father.

That's very beautiful. Is it Roman or Greek or something like that?

It's Roman, in fact.

Second century A.D.

You have good taste.

I think you'll like what's downstairs.

The real treasure.

Here we are.

These are all my instruments.

The room is climate-controlled to protect all these beautiful pieces.

Fantastic. Thank you, thank you. Yes, my family's been collecting it for years.

This is a Guarneri and Stradivarius. You may have heard of them.

You play these violins? Oh, me? God, no, no, no. But we lend them out. They need

to be played.

All these old instruments.

Very romantic.

Shall I show you upstairs?

Okay.

What's your name, please? Tell me your name. I'm Wendy Beamish.

Let's hear it for Wendy Beamish.

I love you, Wendy. I really do. Is this your first time on stage?

Yes. I love this woman from the bottom of my heart. I mean that sincerely. You

are an incredible woman, and I say that with all due respect, Wendy.

Have you ever been dematerialized before? No, I haven't. Have you ever had

your molecules broken up? No, no, I haven't. She's nervous.

Don't be nervous, sweetheart. It's not going to hurt much.

Get into the box. Get into the dematerializer. Are you in there? Are

you comfortable?

I'm fine.

Okay, okay.

Stay calm.

Hey, Carla, can you hear me, Wendy? Feel the molecules evaporating?

Let me hear from you, honey.

Memory number 162112.

What?

162112.

162112.

162112.

162112.

Plains and twelve midgets. Twelve spinning midgets.

That was as great as I imagined it would be.

You look beautiful.

And pensive.

No, I'm not pensive.

I'm just confused.

Women have to love me. It's always so complicated.

Hey, I love your aftershave. What is it? It's Yardley. I first used it when I was

sixteen. I've never changed.

I'm a very loyal soul. Come here. Do you have to put them on?

Oh, they're quite sexy.

What makes you smell so sweet? Oh, you like it?

Just some fragrance.

Right.

Where are you going? I have an idea.

It's time to celebrate with some champagne.

I want you to stay.

I make a mean scrambled egg.

That's my mother.

Oh.

She's very attractive.

Yeah, she was very beautiful, but quite difficult.

Difficult? How?

Unfaithful. Hmm.

Say, can you please stay?

Oh. Nothing would please me more. Come on. I really can't. Oh, why not?

My father, he's feeling not that great.

Oh, nothing serious?

No, no, nothing.

Just... Tooth problem, you know, little sensitivity in lower seven.

I really should go.

Sorry,

let me get back to the story.

On stage, I'm doing the dematerializer trick with this chick from Manchester. I

don't know where they get these people, but she looked like sitting bull.

And I got her in the thing, and I vanish her, and everything goes according to

plan exactly.

And she's gone. And suddenly, Strumble appears.

What? Yeah, Strumble's in there. I got a tremendous hand from the audience. I

wish I could do it every night.

What did he say?

He gave me the combination to a safe. What safe? I have no idea.

I didn't see any safe.

Well, did you accomplish anything besides maybe a possible pregnancy?

I'll tell you what I did see. His mother, Lady Eleanor, has short, cut

brunette hair.

Yeah, but not a hooker.

No, Sidney. She's not a hooker. I hardly think so. She's practically royalty.

Christ, you amaze me sometimes. Your brain.

Back off.

You know, you're getting so upset. I'm just trying to figure out the various

ramifications. I just don't like this whole thing. I feel disgusting, all

right? It's awful.

I don't like the whole process.

Yeah, you want to think he's innocent.

What's so bad about that, huh?

Jesus, you kind of must be some lover, you know? I mean, all of a sudden,

you're ready to dump the whole story.

I must find out what precious cereal he eats.

What am I talking about? There's a combination on the door where he keeps

his precious musical instruments.

Okay, so there is a combination. I just got to get in that room.

Do you have the combination?

We're not going to break into his room if that's what you think. You got to

have the combination. I got to get in there. No, no.

No, we're not going to do it because it's not... Sandra, what's wrong with

you? This guy's the son of a lord. They'll take us to the Tower of London

and behead us.

Hi. Guess what?

What, Peter Lyman sent you flowers?

I assume your name is Jade Spence?

Naturally, I accepted for you.

Yeah, I'm Jade Spence. What is going on?

Viviana.

Peter's giving a party on Saturday and he wants me to come.

I don't think I thought to buy a dress.

He certainly seems smitten with you.

If he's smitten with anyone, it's Jade Spence. Who is Jade Spence? A would-be

investigative reporter who's falling in love with the object of her

investigation.

God bless you.

I'm going to show you a little thing. I want you to think of a card. Just think

of one of these cards, anyone you want. You got it? All right, now, are you

happy to be thinking of the seven of spades?

That's amazing.

How do you do that? It's a little hobby of mine, you know. I wish I had more

time for practice, but what with my oil wells, you know, I never get around to

it. Your daughter's very beautiful.

You met my daughter? Yes, we're very proud of her. She's a lovely girl.

Overcame a great handicap. She was learning disabled.

Her mother and I took her to many specialists, you know. Now, she's

practically normal.

She's a charmer. Oh, God bless you. What did you sign?

I'm an Aquarian. You're an Aquarian? What is your persuasion?

Do you mean my religion? Yes, your persuasion. I'm a Christian.

Yes, I am. What are you?

Me? I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older, I

converted to narcissism.

Dad? Hmm?

Dad, I need to talk to you right now. Oh, I was just about to pull some

quarters out of Mrs. Quincy's nose.

Right now, I need to talk to you.

Really? Yep.

Excuse me, I'll... Where?

Would you stop doing those liquid tricks? What is wrong with you? You're

supposed to be a dignified businessman. I told him it was a hobby, the hobby of

a rich merchant. You know, so... Oh, shh.

Go downstairs, open the music room door. I'll keep Peter busy. I'll meet you down

there in a minute. You brought the combination, right? No, I left it in my

other jacket. What?

Yes, and... So what are we going to do? You've got to go home and get it. I

can't get it because the other jacket's in the cleaners. This is the problem,

having a limited wardrobe.

But not to worry, I have a mnemonic system. I know, I know. I'll fill you

up.

Mr. Spence, I trust you're having a good time. Yeah, it's a great time.

Mind you, our parties, we threw a mass ball in Palm Beach this year. It was

wonderful. I came as a harlequin. She dressed for Petunia Pig.

Honey, there's something I wanted to ask you. There was a man, wasn't it? Just a

minute. Do you need a drink, Mr. Spence? No, I'm fine, thank you.

It's, um, eight, eight, um, eight, uh, blue horses.

No, no, no, no, no. It's ten, ten, um, spinning midgets. Um, no, twelve

jet planes and eight, no.

Big fear. Big fear.

Calm down, calm down. It was, it was, um, it was eight,

eight. made the milking, and three French hens.

No, no.

Really? Well, I don't know.

When you're playing, 12 spinning midgets.

Eureka!

Sidney?

Sidney, is that you?

I'm locked in.

Oh, Christ.

What's the combination?

For some reason, it's gone out of my mind.

Did you see what's been? I thought I saw her going downstairs.

It's 16 blue horses.

It's 21 jet planes and 12

midgets. 12 spinning midgets.

Thank God.

I thought I was going to turn out to be one of those skeleton people fine when

they sell a house. Check the door.

162112? You couldn't remember that number?

My mnemonics has failed me. What do you want me to say?

Now, exactly what are we looking for in here? This is all... Well, I'm not

really sure.

You're not sure?

Well, you know, don't break anything. My God, we'll get caught and God knows...

Hey, you know the old dirty joke about how the French horn player sleeps with

his wife at night?

down. Listen.

There's nothing but musical instruments in here. I'm telling you, we're on a

wild goose chase. Believe me.

What's the matter? Did you hear that?

I thought I heard something. Oh, come on, come on.

Get out of here.

We need to get caught.

Jane.

Ah, there you are. I was searching for you. The guests will be leaving soon.

Yes, well, I was just showing Father around. He loves English homes.

I was very impressed with your cellar. I have a wonderful cellar myself.

No wine, but it's rodent-free.

Well, let's get a drink, please. I haven't seen you with a drink all night.

Can you stay the night, please?

What? Come on. No, I can't. Why not?

My father.

Oh, come on. I'll let my driver take him home. No. I can't let you go. You're too

beautiful. Look at you. I can't.

Jade?

Oh. Jade.

Jade, it's 4 a.m. What are you doing?

I couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe some milk.

Jade,

can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

Would you consider not going home at the end of the summer?

I don't understand. What more proof do you need?

What are you going to tell the police? The guy owns a deck of tarot cards.

That's not a crime.

I mean, he was late for a poker game. I'm sure he's smart enough to have an

alibi. What are we left with? His mother has short, cut, blue net hair. I mean,

look, if we blow the whistle on this guy... I know, I understand.

Then he realizes that you're, you know, you're a pushy little phony who's been

playing him for a sucker, and he dumps you, you know.

All right, all I'm saying is that in order to make an accusation, we've got

to have proof, especially about Laura Simon's son.

You don't have to make an accusation. We can phone in an anonymous tip.

You know how many crank tips the papers say the police get? You're going to

phone one in on Peter Lyman.

They'll hang up on you mid-sentence.

Besides, if the story's true, I want to be the one to break it. You know what

Joe Stromboli said? He said, get it first, but first, get it right.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

What's up? You look so sullen.

No, I'm not.

I'm just... I get sad around birthdays.

Oh, yes, I can understand that. But I think we're both so young enough to

enjoy the gifts. Come on, open it.

Okay.

Oh, wow, it's beautiful.

You like it? I love it.

Good, here, allow me.

Oh, gosh.

You shouldn't have.

I wanted to.

Hey, hey.

Are you crying?

No. Too tough to cry.

But my nasal passages do become congested when I'm sad.

Don't be sad. It's your birthday.

I wish I could celebrate with you tonight. I have to go out of town for a

few days.

Really? Yeah.

I have some business to take care of.

We'll celebrate when I get back, all right? Okay.

Thank you so much for the present. It's beautiful.

I'll think about you whenever I wear it.

You didn't tell me it was your birthday.

I'll take you for a magnificent dinner. We'll go to a great restaurant.

Do you enjoy the McNuggets thing?

What about Indian food? Do you like spicy food?

No, no.

It's okay.

I don't really have much of an appetite.

But when they bring out the prawns and hydrochloric acid, it's fantastic,

Sandra.

What's the matter?

What are you thinking of Peter?

I don't know. It's just I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him

one day, you know?

You come from an orthodox family. Would they accept a serial killer?

That's an expensive present.

The Lyman's are so wealthy.

Yes. It was almost too extravagant. I better get ready.

I still haven't found my millionaire yet.

Oh, God, Sandra, what a mess.

Starting to add up against him. Bits and scraps are coming together.

God, it's you.

I sensed you were falling in love. I escaped again.

It's just circumstantial junk, you know, a coincidence here and there.

Too much smoke not to be fire.

Look, I'm sure you've been wrong plenty of times.

Not wrong here, though I agree.

You haven't got enough to pull the trigger yet.

If you act prematurely, not only does he walk, your professional credibility is

wrecked. Sometimes for good. Oh, I'm sure you want him to be guilty. You

know, that way you get your last big scoop.

I'm beginning to fade.

Sandra, don't let me down. I wish you'd fade for good.

Get out of my life. I'm not cut out for this. I should be flossing molars for a

living.

The bread, you know, I can make a meal just of the bread. A whole meal, just

nothing but bread.

If I ate that much bread, I'd be 20 pounds heavier.

See, I never gain an ounce because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics, so

I get the exercise.

Thanks for taking me out for my birthday, Sidney.

Well, you know, you're the daughter that I never had.

No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Because I never wanted to have kids. I

didn't. Because you have kids, what is it?

You know, you're nice to them, you bring them up, you suffer, you take care of

them, and then they grow up and they accuse you of having Alzheimer's.

Could you ever live in London?

Could I live in London? No. No, and I love London. Don't get me wrong. I love

London. But, you know, apart from the language problem, I can't take the

driving because...

You know, just on the wrong side, and I... Every time I drive a car here, I'm

convinced I'm going to die in a crash.

Whitney.

What's the matter?

It's Peter.

You said Peter was out of town.

Well, that's what he told me.

Come on.

What do you mean, come on? I ordered prawns.

Pay. All right, pay.

What do you mean, pay? What's all I do is... It's a birthday.

Come on.

Maybe he's got another woman on the side, and he likes you, but he's

sexually attracted to her.

Thanks, Sidney.

Well, why doesn't he have his chauffeur? I don't know. Whatever he's doing, he

must want it to be secret.

I told you he went the other way.

Can we go home, please?

I'm starting to rain.

I can't believe he lied to me.

Maybe he's doing something that he's ashamed to tell you about. Maybe he

belongs to one of those clubs where he's a cross-dresser or something.

Or maybe he does folk dancing.

Well, I'm sure it's probably something that when he tells me, I'll just feel

foolish for thinking he lied. I'm sure. You know, not everything in this world

is sinister.

You know, just... Practically everything.

Indian food made me sick.

You hardly touched your copra salad. How can you be sick?

Elizabeth Gibson, another short-haired brunette.

We should have gone to the police earlier.

Well, you know, you said that they wouldn't believe us. And they may not.

Sidney, it's about time we show my story to a real newspaper man.

By real, you mean what?

One that's living.

Vivian's father is a friend that works at the Observer.

Well, very vivid and rather shocking. And there are some genuine

circumstantial bits of evidence.

But... Let me give you a lesson in professional journalism.

No newspaper should or would ever run this story.

What? Why?

It would be fatally irresponsible and libelous.

All you have here are a number of titillating speculations.

Flamboyant theories that tarnish a man and a well-known figure at that without

a single shred of substantial proof.

So his mother was a short-haired brunette.

So he came late for a poker game and said he was going away on a business

trip and he got caught lying.

Yes, but who keeps a tarot deck under a French horn?

It's not against the law to own a tarot deck or keep it wherever you like.

You'd look pretty foolish in court with your accusations and that's where you'll

wind up because he'd have no choice but to sue you and the newspaper and he'd

win.

And to go to the police?

I'll come to that. First, let me continue my tedious professorial

lecture.

Vivian's dad and I go way back.

He said you were a journalism student.

You talk about getting a tip.

Okay, you won't disclose your source, but what you have done is let your

imagination run wild. No, no. What if I told you that my source happened to be a

certain Joe Strombol?

The late Joe Strombol?

Yeah. You mean before he died, he gave a student reporter a major story and

didn't follow it up himself?

Oh, we didn't say it was before he died.

What? No, he got the story before he died, and then he died before he could

follow it up.

Well, why did he give it to you? He didn't know he was dying.

I don't buy it. I knew Joe Strongbow well. If he had a tip that he considered

reliable, he would certainly have pursued it himself from the grave if

necessary.

What about how Peter was in the neighborhood the night that the murder

was committed?

I realize as a student how exciting it must have been to think that you were on

to something so spectacular.

Hey, she is on to something. This kid is a bloodhound. Look at her. She could

sell the story to any tabloid in town.

Now that I've preached on the realities of accurate reporting, I want to tell

you how catastrophic for everybody involved it would have been if you had,

say, taken the results of your investigation to a tabloid.

Today, the police have apprehended the tarot card serial killer.

And it most assuredly is not Peter Lyman.

What?

Every paper in town is going to press with it as we speak.

It was a handyman named Henry Banks who has confessed.

Banks is a delusional paranoid who's given Scotland Yard information that

only the killer could possibly know.

He's led the police to two additional bodies and his DNA and a fingerprint

they found check out.

I know this puts a crimp in your scoop, but Henry Banks is the tarot card serial

killer, not Lord Lyman's son.

Well, I can't say I'm not walking on air.

Jesus, if I ever catch that Joe Strumble, I'll kill him. I don't know if

Peter forgives me for what I've done.

For what? I lied to him. I'm not Jade Spence. I'm a pushy, duplicitous,

ambitious college student.

I lied to him over and over. Darling, he lied to you, too, so it's even. His lies

pale in comparison to the enormity of what I've done.

So, so, marry him as Jade Spence. Don't tell him.

You know, you don't have to be Sandra Pransky ever again.

Marry him as Jay spends.

I don't want to have to get you a Father's Day gift every year.

You know, I don't know how to break it to you, honey, but you were adopted,

okay? Your mother and I, we were at the orphanage. We wanted a handicapped

child.

Finally, just you and I all weekend.

Yeah.

I thought you'd like it here.

It's lovely.

Peter, I have a confession to make. So do I.

Oh, well, let me go first. Actually, no.

Let me, please, because mine's been bothering me all day. I just want to get

off my chest.

When I told you I was going away for a few days on business, I was lying.

I know.

You know? How?

I saw you.

You saw me? No. I was at dinner.

With your father?

Actually... Well, anyway, it doesn't matter, really.

The truth is that a company my father owns is about to merge with a company in

the Middle East. It's a very sensitive situation, and the less anyone knows

about it, the better. We just didn't want the press to sniff it out. I mean,

it's no excuse, really. I'm just very sorry for the extreme secrecy. No, no.

No, it's fine.

I'm glad.

It's your own secret information. It's fine.

So your father took you out for a birthday dinner and you saw me? I mean,

how unnerving. God. I mean, the thing I hate most in the world is lying.

Uh-huh.

What?

Peter. Yes, Jade.

Peter. Oh, yes. What did you want to tell me?

Uh... Jade, there's nothing you can tell me. My name is not Jade Spence.

It's not?

No. It's Sandra Pransky.

And my father is not my father. His name's Sidney Waterman. He's a magician

called Splendini. I'm a journalism student.

Don't ask me what kind of crazy misinformation that we received to

believe you might be the tarot card killer. I mean, I didn't know you at

this time, remember?

And, of course, as soon as I got to know you, I knew that it couldn't possibly be

true. And then the police have him now, so everything's fine.

Of course, along the route, I fell for you, and now I totally blew it, and...

Who told you this?

Oh, a newspaperman.

He's now deceased.

Very foolish. He was eager for his last scoop.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I just totally understand if you never want to speak to

me again or if you don't want to see me. Miss Prance, not only am I not angry

with you, but you... You've absolutely made my day.

What? I'm just suspecting that I can be such an imaginative, dramatic fiend. I

love it. You do? Yes.

I think it's one of the funniest, craziest things I've ever heard in my

life. I can't wait to tell it to the chaps at the club.

Peter.

I have to ask you something.

Yes, anything.

Why did you hide that tarot deck in your music room?

How do you know about that?

I was so paranoid. It's crazy.

But I snuck in.

It was going to be a surprise. I bought them for you. They're Victorian tarot

cards. You told me you were into that kind of thing. It was going to be a gift

for you.

Oh, you're so... I feel like such an idiot.

No, no, no, never mind, never mind. What a shame. Let's forget about it. No.

Huh? Let's just... Now that we've confessed our sins, let's just move on

with our lives, huh? Really? Yeah, I want to hear all about the real you.

And I assure you in advance, I love it.

Oh, God, you snuck into my music room, did you?

So the reason why he was skulking around was because he had this private family

business, which is too delicate to discuss, actually. Sorry, I don't buy

it. What? The man is a liar and a murderer. I say that with all due

respect. Sidney!

Child, I know what I'm talking about. Don't call me that, all right? Do you

remember when we were out on the estate, I found the clue, you thought I was

nuts? I thought you were nuts so many times, I can't recall the exact one. Do

you remember this little item, this clue?

Yes, Betty G.

Yes, Betty G. Now, I checked all the girls that were murdered. The one that

was killed the night we saw Peter on the street was named Elizabeth Gibson.

Yeah? So, Betty is short for Elizabeth a lot of times. Oh, come on, Sidney.

That's a real stretch. You're reaching now. Look, supposing you wanted to rub

somebody out and not to get caught.

Nobody wants to get caught, Sidney. Look...

He wants to get rid of Elizabeth Gibson, Betty Gibson, Betty Gibson. So there's a

series of murders with a guy that's got a real style, a tarot card.

He said he was a total mean... He buys a tarot deck, and let's say he hides it.

Hypothetically, he hides it, let's say, in a music room. Let's say he hides it

in a French horn. In a French horn. I'm losing patience with you. I'm not saying

the guy did all the murders. I'm saying that he just did Elizabeth Gibson, and

he folded it into the series of the tarot killer so he wouldn't get caught.

Henry Banks confessed to all the murders.

Henry Banks is deranged. He hallucinates. My God. Henry Banks. You

know those guys like to brag when they get caught. Henry Banks, you know, where

are you going? The cops will dump every unsolved murder on Henry Banks. They

haven't caught anybody in years.

Peter Woodner, the fly.

Oh, really? What about a fly who speaks?

What? Yes. Why would Peter kill a prostitute?

Because it looked terrible on his resume. Who knows what kind of sordid

life this guy has. Have you completely lost your mind? What is wrong with you?

Peter being blackmailed by a prostitute? It's ridiculous.

What are you...

You're Metamucil.

You know, where are you going? You don't understand. It would kill his

reputation. Can you bring the water out?

Can I say one thing? Can I just tell you one thing?

Joe Strombol would not agree with you. I don't want to talk about Joe Strombol,

all right? Even a great reporter can be wrong.

But he's not wrong.

There'd be blackmail. I see it all over. You are a cynical creep hanger who

always sees the glass half empty. No, you're wrong. I see the glass half full,

but of poison. And you're going to wind up drinking it. You don't know anything.

You don't have a reporter's instincts, okay? You're some guy who vanishes silk

handkerchiefs and cuts people's neckties off. Do everybody a favor. Go back to

your car tricks, all right?

Did you tell him?

I did. I told her, and I made it seem as though it all suddenly just came to me.

I know I'm right.

She just won't listen to me. She hates me.

Yeah, you know, sometimes I gotta say I worry about that girl.

I don't think I'll be seeing you anymore.

Well, if there's a scoop to be had here, she's gonna get it for you.

You can only cheat death so many times, but I've used every trick I know.

You look after her. She's a decent kid. And check his tarot deck.

Does he have a cardsmith in?

I'm a reporter. I'm doing a story on Elizabeth Gibson, and I know she lived

here. I didn't know her. I hardly ever saw her come and go. She was quiet.

I knew what she did for a living, but whether she used to entertain her

clients here or not, I couldn't say.

Excuse me, I'm a...

And I'm doing a story about Elizabeth Gibson.

And if there's any comments or anything you know about her that I... What paper?

What paper are you talking about? The Washington Post.

One of the top reporters on the... Did you see all the President's men? I was

the short guy.

So...

Why isn't American paper interested in this? No, no, we are. We're doing a

big... The traveling leisure section is doing a big spread on places to avoid,

like the plague. And so I'm... Hey, hey, I'll make it very worth your while, you

know. And so... All right, all right, all right. I knew Betty Gibson.

Mm-hmm. She was very tough.

But I don't think that you deserve to die.

Did you say Betty Gibson?

Everyone called her Betty. That was her name.

Really? And did you know any other clients at all?

Well, I knew millions of men, didn't I?

She was very sexy.

Not that you'd know that. She used to be a really pretty baby-faced blonde.

That's what men go nuts for.

Blonde, but the paper, the pictures in the paper... Oh, no, I know, I know. She

made the mistake of cutting it off and dialing it black.

God knows why.

Maybe it's to please one of her regulars.

She had steady clients?

Well, yeah, one, for sure. Look, people have never used their real names, OK?

But there was this one rich kid that she saw a lot.

And his name was Peter.

Peter what?

Peter, you...

Peter Yardley. Peter Yardley? Yardley. Yardley.

Hello? Hello? This is Mr.

Spence. Sid Waterman Spence. This is Sid Waterman

Spence. Where have I called?

Oh, hello, Sidney.

It's Peter Lyman.

Sondra and I are spending the weekend at my father's country house. You could

have come.

That's okay. She gave me this number to call. May I speak with her?

Yes, one second.

Hi, Sidney.

Listen, I got a treasure trove of information here. I just was snooping

with...

Elizabeth Gibson. She's called Betty. Betty. She's called Betty. And she had

some kind of a long relationship, a special relationship with some young

guy, Peter, but the last name doesn't click. But I'm sure it's the same.

This is crazy.

Look, stop making trouble, Sidney. The case is closed.

Listen, this thing adds up.

You're alone up there with a very, very dangerous man.

That's two verys. You've got to get back to town right away.

Sidney, if I thought there was a shred of proof, I would never let my personal

feelings get involved, all right? The truth is I'm crazy about the guy. I

can't keep obsessing over tantalizing conspiracy theories.

You know, I'm sure that he...

He killed her and made it look like a tarot killing.

You know, you don't see it because you've got stars in your eyes.

Look, this is crazy. I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's too

upsetting for me, all right? Let me have my nice weekend. I'll talk to you when I

get back. Stop putting these paranoid thoughts in my head.

Sydney, you okay?

Yes, yes.

You know, I love Sydney. I really do. But he's got a part in the thing, you

know? It's crazy.

Yes? Really? Mm-hmm. Like what?

We'll talk about it later. Let me change, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Yes, my daughter is in the country with Mr. Lyman, and I'm going to be driving

up there later, and she asked me if I could pick up her red cashmere sweater.

She thinks she left it upstairs. Red cashmere? Yes, it's a red sweater. It's

a kind of a red tomato red, like a fire engine, a red, a rouge. I understand,

Sam. Red.

Yes, yes.

I'll see if I can find it.

Yeah. Oh, I was just checking out the Stradivarius.

You know, I play a few pieces myself on the violin.

Prokofiev and Bartok, the Hot Canary. But Mr. Lyman is the only person to have

the combination to that room.

Yes, but he wanted to share it with me because, you know, in case something

happens, you know, life is very capricious. A stroke, a sudden embolism

or lightning, you know, I...

Darling, I love you. I mean that.

You're a wonderful woman. You're a tremendous servant and a credit to your

race. And I mean that. From the bottom of my heart, I say that to you. I know

she didn't get the red sweater. She probably left it in another bedroom. You

know, she had a little problem with promiscuity.

But... So I'll be going.

So I'll call you. We'll have lunch.

Mr. Lyman, sir.

Mr. Spence has been here, and he's been into the music room.

What do you mean?

A most unusual sequence of events.

Mr. Spence came by looking for his daughter's sweater, said she'd requested

it. Next thing I knew, he was in the music room.

Sir, I think he'd been drinking from his behavior.

Yes, yes.

Yes, okay, Margaret, thank you. Goodbye.

Is everything okay?

Yes, yes, it will be.

I used to be out here with you just to wait for the rest of the world.

Yes, I often come out here to read and fish.

There's trout in the lake.

What were you thinking about?

You really want to know?

Yeah.

It's how ironic life is, and tragic.

Why?

That I met you by rescuing you from drowning, and found you totally

enchanting, and now we've come full cycle, and at last you're going to have

to drown.

What?

I imagine by now Sidney's confirmed that I killed Betty Gibson. I mean, in my own

defense, there really was no other way out.

At first, I managed to hide my identity from her, but I saw her too many times

over the years, and she learned who I was, and I became a constant demand for

money, and I just could not let that go on, could I?

I mean, my whole life and career would be just parted to her mood at all times.

So, I, uh, I started the tarot case, I rehearsed my plan, and, well, you know

the rest.

If you do something to me, Sidney's gonna find out. He'll tell someone.

No, no, no. You see, you will go in a boating accident, and Sidney will go

later tonight.

No one knows of your relationship with him.

Because, after all, you're not actually father and daughter, are you?

And no one will think twice to investigate the death of some obscure

vaudevillian. Are you listening?

No one will think twice to investigate the death of some obscure vaudevillian

called Splendini, who is really a stranger to me.

It's very quiet isn't it?

This is the advantage of a private lake.

Yes, please.

Yes, this is Peter Lyman. I need the police immediately.

At the Lyman estate.

There's been a terrible boating accident.

A woman has drowned. It's awful. Please come right away.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I think I know where the body is.

I'm so sorry, sir.

And like I thought, she... She just said she wanted to go out there to

communicate with nature.

To think she wanted some peace and quiet.

She wouldn't have pressed her or anything like that, would she, sir? God,

no, no.

I mean, unless she was keeping it from me, I... You heard no cry for help?

No.

No, I was listening to music in here, dammit.

She's so ironic, because the way I first met her, I rescued her from drowning in

our club pool, and she was a very, very weak swimmer.

Hello?

I was faking it at the pool to get your attention.

Actually, I used to be captain of the Brooklyn community swim team.

Fascinating observation.

Lyman lost a cufflink at the flat of a prostitute who was later killed by the

tarot card killer.

Well,

this upright chap certainly enjoyed patronising some dodgy women.

Unfortunately for Elizabeth Gibson, she elected to blackmail him.

It's a beautifully written story and one of the best bits of investigative

journalism in a long time.

This paper is proud to run it. I have to share the credit with Joe Strombola, an

inspiration who taught me more than I could ever explain to anyone, and to the

late Sidney Waterman, Splendini, a nice guy who helped out with the

investigation and without whom I never could have made it.

Sidney, wherever you are, I'll never forget you.

How did you get here?

Me?

I couldn't get used to driving on the goddamn wrong side of the street.

You know, I was driving up to the country, and in the United States, I

would have been a hero. I would have saved her. I would have, you know, but

here, you know, that's the one drawback of living in London. You know, granted,

the theater's better. There's many good Indian restaurants.

What did you do?

What do I do?

Splendini, magician.

Would you like to see something? Do we have time for a car trip?

I believe we have eternity.

I'm going to show you a little trick now. I just want to say, from the bottom

of my heart, I mean this sincerely.

I say this with all due respect. You're a wonderful group. You're a fantastic

group of people. I love you, and I feel that coming back from you.

You may be deceased, but you should not be discouraged.

Because, you know, don't think of being dead as a handicap.

You know, when I was a child, I stuttered. But with stick-to-itiveness

and perseverance, you know, you can never tell what could happen. Now, I

want you to take your card, Alma. Go ahead. Take any card you want. Just pick

it. Go ahead, sweetheart. I love you, sweetheart.

It's fantastic.