Original subtitles

You got enough?

Yeah.

Okay, Carson, get him out of there.

Boy, this must have been one hell of a party.

Party? Yeah.

I was invited.

Planned to come until Hawkins called in sick and I had to work for him.

Well, but practically everybody was here.

Oh, well.

Hey, what time you got?

9.30.

9.30?

Good. I could still make the hot tub convention.

Syllable point.

Good evening, Your Honor. I'm sorry to disturb you, but you were the only one

we could reach.

I was afraid of that.

Judge Stevens is marrying Judge again, and nobody's seen Judge Crater.

Oh, this had better be good.

Is everyone assembled?

Yes, Your Honor.

Say, listen.

They're not on drugs, are they?

No, sir. Are they drunk?

Some are a little tipsy.

Try to keep the tipsy ones at the back.

I hate it when they puke on my desk.

Yes, Your Honor.

God.

What? them be civilized or at least conservative

Besides that, your lousy book stinks.

Everyone else has them. Quiet!

Order! Listen, Gummo, since when did you have any taste?

Why don't you just ask for an audition?

You had to have the governor drop by.

Well, he's a friend.

He was.

Order!

Order! Order!

Order!

Hey, look.

Is that a new uniform?

Yes, Your Honor.

False. You can tell.

Now what?

Are the charges, if any?

Your Honor, I want to call my lawyer.

It's all the governor's fault. I never should have voted for him. I must call

my editor. I'm sitting on the story of the decade.

Hold it! We don't call the boss. We're in big trouble. Hold it! Can we get this

over with? I have to be somewhere by midnight. Order!

Order! You've been paid till one o'clock.

Or if anyone even wants to whimper, you better get permission.

No speaking unless spoken to.

Is that clear?

Is that clear?

Yes, Your Honor.

Well, let's get on with it.

Bailiff, what are the charges?

Here, Your Honor.

Oh!

Mr. Edwards?

Yes, Your Honor.

I've seen quite a number of your films. They're very liberal.

Thank you very much, Your Honor. I hate liberals.

Well, did this take place in your home?

It certainly did.

Was I talking to you? Well, it's my home, too.

This is my wife, Your Honor.

Oh, I see.

What would you wish to say?

Well, frankly, none of this would have happened if he hadn't bought the rights

to his damn book.

Watch that profanity.

Now, what?

Expletive deleted.

Book are we talking about?

Cheers! Did I ask all of you?

What book are we talking about?

Uh, Picnic Lunch, Your Honor.

Perhaps you've read it. I don't read. I wait for the movie.

What's it about?

Well, it's this sort of fictional expose about... Expose my ass.

It's a piece of crap, if you ask me. I found the whole thing rather tiresome. I

could hardly get through it.

No, it is wonderful.

It's the perfect role for my comeback. Comeback? It could be an epic film, Your

Honor. It could be. The Inquirer. I never read it. I wish I had. Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

We don't seem to be getting anywhere now, do we?

Is this book the cause of all this trouble?

You! I guess so.

Yes or no? Yes or no?

Yes.

You'd better be.

Now, suppose we start at the beginning.

Who wants to speak first?

Well, Your Honor... You didn't say, may I?

Sorry. May I, Your Honor? Too late now.

May I, Your Honor?

Shoot. What happened first?

Well, I suppose the first thing that happened was the arrival of the

caterers.

The caterers.

Who are the caterers?

We are, Your Honor.

Toby and Bernie.

Sustenance on sunset.

You know, this should be thumb-bashed.

Oh, yeah?

Bill Edwards just bought the rights to Picnic Lunch. I read it in the Reporter.

So? So, it's a hot property.

Not according to Polly Perkins. She laid it to filth in her column.

That's because Polly Perkins is one of the main characters.

Really? Yeah, well, I mean, not by name.

But I can pick it out. I mean, showbiz, politics, it's all in there.

Guess I should read it.

Yeah, I think you better. They start casting next week.

Is your agent submitting you?

God willing.

But you know how that goes.

I mean, I'm right for the part of the college kid, but so is everybody else in

Southern California.

I gotta think of some way to impress them today.

I wouldn't push it, Tobe. I'm just gonna, uh, impress.

I'm gonna let Edwards know I read the book, and let Perkins know I read the

column. Do you really think she's gonna be there? She will be there.

Polly Perkins does not win the party.

I should have missed this one, Your Honor, but Lance wanted to go.

I did?

He was delighted when I called.

Hello? Scheduled on sunset?

This is Polly Perkins.

I need an escort for this afternoon.

Well, what about that divine boy I took to the Dinah Shore Open?

What was his name?

Agon, Egon.

What? He's all tied up.

A wiener roast at Liberace's.

Oh, I see.

Well, send me anyone. You know the type.

So I reluctantly agreed to go.

Besides, Lee didn't invite me to the wiener rest.

Now, back to you, young man.

What happened when you arrived at the Edwards?

Hello? Hi, Cater's. Oh, come on in. I'll show you where to set up. My name is

Carrie, Capricorn. I'm Toby, Franklin. I'm Bernie, Gemini. Toby's a Virgo. Ah,

a virgin.

How did she know?

Could we dispense with this astrological mumbo-jumbo?

Mrs. Edwards, where were you when the caterers arrived?

Bill and I were upstairs getting dressed.

Darling, I need your opinion on something. Which one of these ties do

you prefer?

That one.

Really? What's wrong with this one?

Your mother gave you the other one.

She did?

The same day she picked out the paint for the living room.

Oh, yeah.

The week before my birthday. She wanted to surprise us. Well, she certainly

surprised me.

I didn't even know there was a color called Bloody Mary, much less it was

your favorite.

Mother means well.

By the way, she's flying in from Europe next week. Says she's sorry she's

missing the party.

Sorry? She should be grateful.

I know I would be.

I hope you know what you're doing, darling.

What do you mean?

Oh, you know exactly what I mean, Bill.

Having Grant Garrison here at this party.

Darling, it is his book.

Yes, and everyone in his book will be here, too.

Ellen, Grant's book is fictional, remember?

Fiction on my ass.

Finley disguise at best.

That character, Dolly, is Polly Perkins, and you know it.

Oh, yeah? Exactly how do I know it?

Who else calls all men erectors this, cannot make love with the lights on, and

performs fellatio without her uppers and lowers?

Who told you that?

Jonathan Arrow. Only fellatio wasn't his word.

Now, you know Jonathan has no truck with Polly ever since she scooped him on that

Warren Beatty vasectomy. Yeah, which he had to retract, much to Jonathan's glee.

And they will both be here after what Grant said about them in his book, not

to mention the governor.

Well, how do you think I'll look?

Good enough to eat.

I love it when you talk dirty.

Me almost.

What?

Oh, it's you.

Could you do me a favor and take that tray of dips out and put it around the

room for me?

Sure, no problem.

Great. Thank you.

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, excuse me. I was just lay dreaming. I mean, daydreaming. You must be Mrs.

Edwards. Yes.

I'm Toby, your waiter for today.

It's nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Everything looks very nice.

Well, a picnic lunch is a picnic lunch.

Yes, well, that was my husband's idea.

Because of the book.

I, uh... I read it. Did we remember to order any dip?

Of course. We have clam, garlic and chive, onion, and blue cheese.

Oh, good.

The guests should be starting to arrive.

Who was the first to arrive?

C'est moi.

C'est Maya.

May I?

You may.

I was the first to arrive.

So, Patty, what?

De foie gras.

It's French.

Patty, de foie gras.

That's cute. Very cute.

Merci. You're kind of cute yourself, Mr. Edwards.

But I'm not, Mrs. Edwards. Oh, yes, you are.

Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute.

Cute. You know, Jaime, well, that's my agent. He said that you'd be casting

Picnic Lunch really, really, really soon.

And Jaime got me the invitation to come here.

he said that I should be really

be persuaded to have a drink.

I never drink alone.

I think I'll have a sherry. A sherry. That would be under the bar and to the

left.

Oh, hello, Mr. Arrow. Won't you come in?

Thank you, Sherry.

Why don't you just go have a drink?

Father William.

Yeah. Nice to see you. Have your bed.

Fine, Jonathan. Nice to see you, too.

Oh, may I present Miss Worth? This is Father William.

Sherry? Nice to meet you.

I know.

I'll have a scotch on the rocks.

A scotch on the rocks, yeah.

Oh, Sherry?

I'll have one, too.

Another scotch.

Oh, Father Williams, off the record. Have you read Picnic Lunch?

I can bet.

I was dreadful.

Especially those things Grant said about the governor.

Well, I understand many heart patients use amyl nitrite.

But not at the White House.

No, I suppose not.

Something wrong?

No, no.

No, I'm just in aerobics.

Hi,

everybody.

Jim, you better go upstairs and change. Our guests are arriving.

Right away, Dad.

Afternoon, all. Why don't you take your drinks and go out by the pool?

Excellent idea.

I could use a little son.

And I'll bet he could use a little father.

How you doing, Joe?

Never better, Jonathan. I'll meet you out there in a minute.

Scotch and water, please. What's your name?

Do you have to sneeze?

Put your finger up to your nose.

Funny,

it always worked for me.

What was your name?

Bernie.

She lost the contact lens.

Hi, I'm Bill Edwards.

Hi. Amy sent me.

Patty. Patty?

No, Patty.

It's French.

It's okay, Carrie. I'll get it.

Hello. May I speak with Bill Edwards?

This is Mrs. Edwards. May I help you?

Mrs. Edwards, you've got clout.

I beg your pardon?

KLAP Talk Radio.

You're on the air.

It's the Little Jack Talk-Off Show, where we talk to the stars.

I've got Lucille on the line from Pismo Beach.

She would like to speak to... I can't hear you, Jack.

Hello? Hello, Lucille.

Hello, are you there?

The line is busy right now.

Oh, no, I so wanted to talk to Rhonda Rivers. Sweet girl and a dear friend.

I read in the Star, this was her first party since she was released from the

Betty Ford Drug Rehabilitation Clinic. She's on the comeback trail, all right.

And all thanks to my dear friend, Babsy Ford.

Thanks for calling us, Lucille. Gotta run.

Mr. Garrison, at what point did you arrive at these proceedings?

Why, uh, shortly before Polly and, uh... What's his name? It's Lance.

Thanks, Polly. What are you doing?

That Grant Garrison, the son of a bitch that wrote that book.

Damn it, missed him. Well, maybe on the way out.

Uh-uh-uh.

Tell me about it.

Hello, Grant, darling.

Read your book.

Oh, Polly dear, how nice to see you.

Care for a stick of free dents? Oh, come on.

This reporter was in attendance at the party given by the Edwards.

A Bill and Ellen.

Ellen was wearing a cobalt... Who cares?

Get to the point. What happened after you arrived?

Well, after Mr. Garrison jumped in front of my car and I had to swerve to avoid

him, we went in to say hello to our host.

Ellen, darling.

Polly.

Ellen, dear, about this color.

Do you like it?

Well, either Norma Desmond lives or your roof is bleeding.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, look, it's okay. It's my fault.

Really.

Let me help you. Thank you.

There's more in the oven.

Of course, Green. No one will know the difference.

Yeah, well, that's what Carrie said about the pate.

Well, she's right.

By the way, my name's Jennifer.

I'm Toby.

My friends call me Jenny.

My friends call me Toby.

Hi, Toby.

Hi, Jenny.

I saw you earlier out by the pool. You've got some, uh, some breaststroke.

Thanks. Do you swim?

Like a mink.

You better get those out to the party. You don't want to lose your job.

My job?

My job, yeah.

Um, right. Will I be seeing you around?

Probably. I live here.

Now stay tuned for Uncle Willie's Weather Watch.

K-L-A-T-X-M-N-20.

Hello. It's Uncle Willie's weather watch, and I'm Uncle Willie, here to

watch the weather for all of you.

Storm clouds continue to cloud the view of Mount St. Helens, where an eruption

is due to really erupt late in the day.

But have no fear, Willie is here, checking his seismograph.

If any cracks should open up, Willie's got the size.

Sarah, darling, lovely to see you.

It's obvious she's out for a part in the picture showing all that cleavage. What

a set of cleaves.

Greg!

Forgive me, this is my new protege, Lance Palmer.

He certainly looks like a pro, all right.

A regular erectus, that. And what do you do?

I study.

Isn't he amusing, such a sense of humor? And so articulate.

Folly, dear, wherever do you find them?

Oh, they find me, dear, they find me. I didn't find you. You will, dear, you

will. You must forgive Lance. He's really quite a little... Puff?

Hey! Who are you calling Puff?

Excuse me, uh, Pastry Puff.

Oh, sorry, my man.

Just don't want nobody getting the wrong idea.

I don't do guys.

That's a switch.

I tell you, Bill, it was a revelation.

I stood there in awe. The moment she took her bra off, she was beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful.

Really? Tits fell down and pulled every wrinkle out of her face.

Oh, Senator Stevens, so glad you could come. So... Oh, and Rhonda, darling,

it's been too long. Oh, too, too long. You look... Did you have a talk?

Sit your tongue, you know. Come have a drink.

Bill's around the house somewhere. Oh, how is Bill? Is he still switch hitting?

Not to my knowledge.

My God, Ellen.

You live in a tomato.

Bats?

The Edwards are having another party.

The fifth one this month.

Better not get out of hand.

Well, isn't it nice they have so many friends?

Friends?

A bunch of degenerates.

Eating, drinking, smoking dope, eating cocaine.

I don't think they eat it, dear.

No self-suspecting person of the right mind would be caught dead down there.

Nothing but a bunch of prostitutes and perverts.

Oh, I see that the governor's coming, too.

And politicians.

Politicians will be in evidence today at that party given by Bill Edwards.

Rumor has it that the governor himself will attend, minus the first lady.

As I have reported previously, something is definitely up in the governor's

personal life.

But not with the first lady, it would seem.

Stuffed grape leaves.

Thank God. I was afraid they had a dog.

Is everything all right? Lovely, and these are divine.

Well, I mustn't give you some. Bill's mother makes them, and I've got an

absolute freezer full. They're called squidney.

Kidney and squid.

That's a hungry crock. You ain't seen nothing yet.

What do you mean?

Evelyn's out there.

Who's Evelyn?

Her father owns Public Pictures.

Oh, yeah. I saw him on Entertainment Tonight.

I think he slept through the whole thing. Yeah, well, that's him. He's out

there, too, so you've got to be real nice, even when Evelyn is eating

everything in sight.

Except men, if you catch my drift. You're kidding. You mean she's a... Old

Dyke City.

Really?

They say she rolls her own tampon.

Trip? None for him. He's dieting.

Trip? Thanks. My metabolism is shot today.

as munchkins in The Wizard of Oz.

Here,

hold it, honey.

I'll be right back.

Shh. Go back.

Grant,

dear.

Evelyn, how nice to see you. Thanks. I just wanted to tell you how much I

enjoyed your book.

It burned beautifully.

Mr. Garrison, I gather your book is somewhat inflammatory.

No pun intended.

It's fictional, Your Honor.

May I?

Aye, Your Honor.

Anytime, Miss Rivers. I'm a big fan of yours.

Well, thank you, Your Honor. I do my best.

What did you wish to say?

Well, just that. Although Grant claims his book to be fictional, I believe

it is a masterpiece of reportage.

And quite accurate, too.

She also wants a part in the picture.

Over my dead body.

That could be a witch.

No fighting, please.

What happens next?

Oh, dear.

Thank you.

You know, sugar, if you could learn how to cook like this, we'd get rid of the

maid.

And if you could fuck, we could get rid of the chauffeur.

Rhonda, sweetheart, long time no see.

Senator. Jonathan.

Honey, pokey baby, could you give me another dream?

Why, sure.

Well, Jonathan, you're looking well.

Well, you always did have your share of the muscle.

And in the right places.

Oh, you remember.

Oh, one doesn't forget pleasure only pain.

You know, I was hoping you'd be here.

I need a favor.

It's yours for the asking. Well, I'm thinking of making a comeback as a drug

-free person and an example to the American people.

Hopefully in picnic lunch.

Is the role of the senator's wife wearing a little thin?

Absolutely anorectic.

But I don't think I'm really cut out to be a wife.

Well, you should know that. You're my third husband.

Fourth. Well, whatever.

At any rate, I would appreciate your mentioning in your column that I'm

perfect for the lead in picnic luncheons.

I'm available.

And are you available?

Think you just got yourself a mention.

We got a pink lady for the lady and a bull shot for the... Watch it!

It's kind of hard to believe, but I'm sitting in potato salad.

I thought it was something like that.

It's sort of a facial for my buns.

It's also a mess.

The lady's very observant. I'd better get you a pair of dad's pants.

Jenny, the things we could do with potato salad.

Good Lord, what happened?

There was a live grenade.

Potato salad.

Oh, I believe you.

Terrorists are everywhere.

Back,

all right? Excuse me.

Hold on just a moment, Alan.

Yes? I hope you won't think I'm being rude, but you're using my private phone.

And unfortunately, I'm responsible for paying the bill.

So if you don't mind, could you use my parents' phone? They are loaded.

No problem.

Thanks, I appreciate it. Alice, look, I don't have to call you back, okay?

You know, if I were you, I'd hide the phone away for the time being.

You know how these parties are.

I admire your films, beaucoup.

Really, I do.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, you know, you don't know the half of it.

You know, I would do anything.

You know, anything.

To be in your next picture.

Well, why don't you have your agent get in touch with me?

Whatever for?

I mean, give the lousy head.

Would you care for a cigarette?

Anything to curb my appetite.

You know what you mean.

I could eat a horse.

I'll call Bill's mother for the rest of the day.

Evelyn, you seem upset today.

Knock it off, Grant.

I read the stupid book.

You called me an aging decadent.

Evelyn, I meant that in the kindest way possible.

I referred to you as a debutante to let the reader know you have a lot of balls.

Very funny.

I hope you're laughing when I slap you with a lawsuit.

Ah, a lawsuit.

You and the governor.

The governor. Is he suing too?

Well, I've heard rumor of that effect.

But since my book is fictional, only my fictional governor cheats on his wife.

Now, if the real governor takes it to court, he'll be admitting that he does

too.

And I don't think the governor or anybody wants to admit they've been

fictionalized in my book.

Not even Dieseldeb.

I hope that's it.

Yes, why?

Hey, we've got to order some more food. The potato salad has definitely had it.

I thought the same thing.

It's getting late.

Why don't we call Wong's?

Wong's? It's a Chinese takeout, and they deliver.

I've got the number here somewhere.

The Chinese at a picnic?

Here's the number.

You don't want to see Evelyn starve.

No, no, Evelyn will be okay. I just took her a whole plate of shrimp. She'll be

fine. Toby, giving Evelyn a plate of shrimp is like putting a band-aid on a

leper. Yeah, I think I see what you mean.

I'll go see how the dips are holding out. I've got one more tray of cold

green. I really don't think this is going to be a banner day.

There's someone on the line.

There's a private line in Jenny's room. Pink room at the end of the hall,

upstairs.

So, Vicki, I haven't seen you since Liza's concert. What have you been doing

with yourself?

I don't do it with myself anymore.

Rhonda!

Rhonda!

Is this wrong?

Wong's? Wong's Takeout?

Yeah, look, I need to place an order.

Do you have any potato salad?

We should have had a child. Did you want one? No. No, no, no. I didn't say one

time. No, look, I need something for a party.

Oh, that's nice.

Nice. No, no, I didn't say rice.

Wait,

that's not a bad idea.

You're out of rice?

I know you know I need it. Why the hell do you think I called?

I need this for about 35 people.

Yeah, whatever you got.

Send it to 2310 Bower Lane.

Right.

Thanks.

with one of those, you know, a phallus. And one night, he had me spread whipped

cream all over my body. And then he had me put an olive, one on each

breast. Not a cherry like you think, but an olive.

Black ones, unpitted.

I remember.

That's weird.

Wait. It gets even weirder. And then he had me put a pickle in my mouth. A

whole...

a washing machine, on the rinse cycle.

And then he said, do you have any girlfriends who own a Volvo, a stick

ship? And when I said no, he hung up.

Say, Abby.

I finally got the order in. What'd you get?

I don't know, but I'll be in the kitchen.

Senator Stevens, have you met Father Williams?

Why, of course. He was my Rhonda's second.

Oh, yes. I forgot.

Third. Third.

Right. Third.

I left Judas and showed him.

William Berg.

That's not too Jewish, is it? No, it's not, is it? Where is Ronald?

Well, actually, last I saw she was drawing with Jonathan, but I could use

another drink. Anyone else?

No. No, I'm fine.

That's a matter of opinion.

What in the heck was that all about?

She wanted a cocktail, so I told her one.

I hope they don't make that noise all night. It'll keep me awake.

That might be a pleasant change.

Just what is that supposed to mean?

Well, it has been quite a while.

Well, that's not my fault. You're the one who's frigid.

Frigid?

What do you mean by that?

Last time you spread your legs, the furnace turned on.

You know what's wrong with you, Rex?

Everything.

Yeah? I suppose you'd rather be down there with that bunk.

Well, it does seem to me that they know how to have a little fun.

Fun? Fun?

You want to see fun?

You want to see fun? I'm going to show you fun.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to move this rock.

Are you enjoying the party, Mr. Taylor?

Isn't that nice?

What do you call these delicious little noodles?

No, no.

All right. That makes sense. Okay, look. Put them down over here.

It's Bill.

It's Bill what?

It's Noodle Bill.

Oh, right, right.

All right, let's see what the damages are here.

$97.50 for a bunch of fucking noodles?

No, no fucking noodles.

Eat noodles.

Yeah, right. Okay, look. Why don't you just come over here and sit tight, and

I'll go down to the pool and get your cash.

For Mr. Edwards?

Your money.

Yen? Get paid.

Oh, get paid, get paid.

Right, get paid.

Get paid, sit tight. Get paid, sit tight.

I was just looking for my husband.

Have you seen Bill?

Waiter. Waiter had Bill.

I don't understand.

Waiter. You mean Toby?

Toby. Toby. Toby had Bill.

Toby had Bill?

Toby goes down. Get paid.

Toby went down on Bill and got paid for it? $97.50.

Where do I get my hands on him? I'll fix his ass.

Oh, hi.

We just got here. Herb and I.

Fix that.

Oh, thank you.

I just spoke to a Chinese boy in the kitchen, and he said that

you had Bill.

Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't find out.

Well, the truth of the matter is I blew it.

But it only cost $97.50.

$97.50?

Oh, it's a lot to eat.

for the laundry.

Here's scotch.

Make it a double.

Say, ma'am.

Just as soon as I'm drunk enough.

I'll have you know I still have my mate's head.

What's it on, a hinge?

Have you ever seen Mr. Edwards?

He just went upstairs.

Sure, thanks.

I'd knock if I were you.

What's wrong?

It's your organ.

I don't think it's big enough.

Well, I didn't know I'd be playing at a cathedral.

Oh, no, it's your wife.

No, it's not my wife. She would knock. She'd just try the knob. It's your wife.

I know it's your wife. It's always the wife.

Where can I hide?

In there.

The closet.

It's always the closet.

Who is it? It's Toby, sir, the waiter.

Toby, what do you want?

interrupting something.

No. Uh, I mean, uh, no. No, I was just, I was changing. Mm, gum it, Paulie, gum

it. Yes, I was gonna change into my swimsuit.

I thought I might have a dip. Yeah, I recommend the blue cheese. That is, if

there's any left.

What? Sir, you know, why don't I have you alone? Um, I thought I might talk to

you for a second.

I know, uh, you wrote Picnic Lunch, and I think I'm perfect for the part of the

college boy.

Uh, are you an actor?

Yes, sir, uh, and I think it's a part I've always wanted to play.

I, I really think I can suck the juice out of it, you know? Again?

How dare you?

Sweetheart, what's wrong?

Don't you sweetheart me. I know what you're up to. The Chinese boy told me.

The Chinese boy? Oh, yeah, the Chinese boy. He needs $97.50.

Oh, what then? A threesome?

What in the hell are you talking about?

You know damn well what I'm talking about, and I won't stand for it. Well,

then sit down.

Uh, you know, I think I'll just kind of hang out outside.

Do that.

Oh, excuse me. I'm so tired today. I didn't get to sleep till after three.

Two are usually enough.

Who are we going to get $97.50 from? Are the characters really based on real

life? Actually, Rhonda and I had fabulous sex when we first got married.

And she started waking up?

Hey, Bernie, you got any cash?

About 20 bucks.

Damn, that's not enough. What's that?

Look, I'll tell you later.

No, what I mean is, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

No, I'm sure it hurts like hell.

Hi there.

Bet you thought I forgot all about you, huh?

Where's Bill?

Oh, he's upstairs fighting with his wife right now.

Noodle Bill, get paid.

Oh, yeah, right. Look, I'm taking care of it, really. I am. Trust me.

I'm really taking care of it. Hey, man, you got any food in here? I mean, it's

like much city out there.

Look, I'll tell you, the food will be out in a little while. Why don't you

just hang on, okay?

No yen, no noodle.

Hey, man, I got the yen. I can eat my brain.

You don't order brain, order noodle. I know, I know.

Hey, man, you got any nuts, man?

Well, I should say so.

Kraft just named a spread after her.

I've got a real problem with the cash, okay? Will you take a check?

Good check?

Yeah, check good, promise. Scouts on her.

Big check, $20?

That's blackmail.

No tip, no check?

No, no, no. Okay, okay, okay, fine.

I'm telling you, I don't care what you heard.

Toby didn't lay a hand on me.

Let's just drop the matter.

Where are you going? I'm not there fighting with you!

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, there you go again with that damn dog philosophy.

If you can't eat it, or...

Alice, I'm going to have to call you back.

Something just came up.

Oh, Ellen, darling, I love what you've done to the closet.

Jenny,

I need a favor.

I need a check for $117.50. When you say favor, you mean favor.

Look, I'll deduct it from the total bill.

Okay? Well, I guess so. I'll go get my checkbook.

Terrific. You're an angel. Thanks.

Hey, isn't anyone going swimming?

Well, I did bring my suit. It's in the car.

Me too. Shall we?

Well, I can't say why not.

So you were saying, you're thinking of not running again?

Well, actually, I haven't made up my mind as of yet. Why, do you think I

should? Oh, of course.

Here we are. I make it out to Wong's Takeout, right?

Wrong. Oh, right.

Wong's.

Romantic, huh? What was the first thing you did after skiing all day?

Jonathan, you fancy man.

Let me rephrase that. What was the second thing you did after skiing all

day? Oh, that's easy. I took off my skis.

Here you are.

Right, and here you are.

Call again, call again.

I'd sooner die.

You can go out the front.

Call again, call again.

Hey, by the way, thanks. You're a lifesaver.

I gotta go heat the noodles now, okay?

Noodles? That was the best I could do.

Where are you going, pretty one?

To change.

Are you coming?

Well, what the hell? It's a free country.

in Scotch on the Rock.

What did Daddy do?

I got him a land drink with Toby.

Toby? Toby?

Where are all the noodles?

Where the hell are all my noodles?

Oh, they were delicious, man.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

You ate 97.50 worth of noodles?

He ate 97.50 worth of my noodles.

Oh, you're kidding!

There's not even any juice.

What kind of animal are you? How could you do this to me? There are people

starving in India.

Yeah, me too.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

You're sorry?

You eat 97.50 worth of Mayan noodles and you say you're sorry?

Tell me, what kind of an animal are you?

Oh, come on. There's no need to yell at him. What are we going to do now?

I don't know. We could order some more, man.

No, we can't order any more. They were closing.

Closing.

It's 823-6623.

Thanks a lot.

This is KLAP Talk Radio, where the music talks to you. Lou.

Hello. You got clap.

I know, I'm so ashamed. Cheer me up.

You got it, little buddy.

May I help you?

I'm working my way through UCLA Medical School, majoring in orthopedic surgery.

Yes. Well, this is your birthday. Yes.

My tuition is going up this semester, and I have... to take on a part-time job

to enable me to continue my education.

Well, currently, I'm working for Collistrip.

Happy birthday.

Is this Mama?

Yeah, Mama, look, I'm in kind of a bind here.

Do you happen to have any potato salad?

No, I didn't think so.

Okay, look. How could you, Toby? My own father.

How could you?

Hang on one second, Mama. Jenny, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

No, no, no, not you, Mama. How much did he pay you?

Jenny, I don't know what you're talking about. How much did who pay me? My

father, that's who.

Well, I don't know. I haven't figured out a bill yet.

Hey, just hang on one sec, all right? You're submitting a bill?

Well, I always do.

Oh, you, you hairdresser.

Hairdresser? Jenny, wait a second. Talk to, talk.

No, no, Mama. I don't want any tacos.

Oh, come on now, Mr. Taylor. You gotta mingle.

Perhaps we should mingle.

I'm not budging from this spot until the food is ready.

It's not that I'm antisocial.

It's just that I'm too weak to move.

Ellen, dear, are you checking on the food? No, I'm checking on my husband.

And I may castrate him.

Not for hors d'oeuvres, I hope.

Hey, have you seen Ginny? I really gotta talk to her. Hey, you better. She thinks

you seduced her old man.

She thinks what?

You mean she thinks... She thinks... She thinks I'm gay?

And what's wrong with that? Uh, nothing.

Nothing. I mean...

It just takes a different point of view. I mean, you really have to know which

end is up, right?

Believe me, it takes more than that.

But then you wouldn't understand.

I wouldn't?

I believe Dryden said it best.

There is a pleasure in being mad which none but madmen know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's Dryden?

I know, it must be a press agent.

Hey, can you watch the bar a sec? I'm running low on sky. Hey, no, look, I

gotta go find Jenny. Hey, she'll be here in a sec. I'm just gonna be real quick,

all right? No, but... Damn it. All right.

Hi.

I want a divorce.

Oh, Ellen, can't it wait till after the party?

I'm not kidding, Bill.

I thought about it.

If it was another woman, I'd understand.

I could fight that.

Ellen, it was another woman.

Sometimes you don't mind being screwed by the government.

Oh, excuse me. I just came to get a couple bottles of scotch.

And then I explained to both of them what we mean by stumping for votes.

Your Honor, may I?

Yes. He also showed me how to stuff ballot boxes.

They're right. Two heads are better than one.

We did get into a rather heavy political discussion.

Heavy? It was downright spiritual.

Well, at one point, I even thought I felt the van move.

Thank you.

Was that before or after the earthquake?

I've been fascinated by orthopedics ever since I was a little girl. I can dream

about doing it.

Top story this hour is an uprising in the Tijuana Fruit Pickers Association to

form a new union.

What took you so long? Don't ask.

Oh, Manazuma just delivered.

All right, look, you come with me. Mr. Beck here.

You guys all ready on your drinks?

Okay, here we are.

How much do I owe you?

$97.50. Oh, thank God, not you again. What do you have, a monopoly on this?

No monopoly, Chinese checkers.

Never mind with that. Just tell me what's worth the $97.50.

It's Hollywood.

But for a bunch of beans.

Toby, Toby, Toby, refried beans. Were they cheaper before you refried them?

Si.

Say what?

I think he means yes.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot. He was Mexican.

I'm sorry about that, amigo.

Me no go, you go. Get paid. Get paid, get paid. I remember, I remember.

If we pull this off, it's going to be a miracle.

I'll tell you, why don't you just hang loose for a little while? We'll be right

back, okay?

Hang loose.

Okay, you look in the living room. I'll check out by the pool, okay? Gotcha.

Oh, who are you?

Mama Montezuma.

Really? Well, I'm looking for Carrie, the maid.

Oh, see, see. She helped Toby pull it off.

She what?

Get paid.

What is that smell?

Oh, God, I don't know. It must be the food, although odor is the more proper

word. It's so, it's so ethnic.

Oh, it takes me back to that night in Guadalajara when Gomez got pissed on

Cuervo Gold and he bit the head off a chicken.

What happened?

For years after that, he just pecked at his food.

Well, it is a part she could sink her teeth into.

And I suppose I did fashion the part somewhat after her. Excuse me, Mr.

Edwards. Can I speak to you a second?

Oh, sure. Excuse us.

What is it? What's all this?

Refried beans.

I order noodles, order beans.

Well, we had a little problem.

Do you think you could see a way clear to advancing us $97.50 for our services?

I don't see why not. What's the trouble?

Well, these aren't even hot.

Not hot?

You have to have hot, refried beans.

Look, the food will be out as soon as I get the money, okay?

Go get my checkbook. It's in the bedroom desk.

Great, thanks.

Bill, are you trying to starve us to death?

Where's the food?

The food will be out shortly.

Good, I haven't had any breakfast.

Want hot beans?

Got hot beans.

Ay, ay, ay, ay.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Oops. Can you help me? What is it?

Um, well, you see, I just took a nap. And, oh, do you know what a pacemaker

is? Yeah. It has something to do with the heart. I think it keeps it beating.

Oh, no. He got his on sale then. Who did?

Him. Boy, is Alice going to be mad.

Is he, uh, is he dead?

Either that, or he's a Republican.

Oh, my God, it's the governor.

You know, I think he is a Republican.

Oh, my God, it's the governor, and he's dead.

Doornail city, comprendez-vous?

It's the governor, and he's dead, and you're naked.

I know.

Oh, my God, let me think.

What are we going to do? All right.

First of all, get dressed.

Don't you have any respect for the dead? I don't have any clothes.

You came to the party naked?

No, silly.

They're across the hall, under the bed. All right, look. I'll go across and get

them. You wait here.

Oh, my God. What am I going to do to the governor?

Just a minute. Get back in there.

What am I going to do to the governor?

I don't tell her.

Do I tell her? No, I don't tell her. Tell Mr. Edwards.

That's it. I'm telling Mr. Edwards.

Come in.

Excuse me, Mrs. Edwards.

Toby, what is it? Close the door.

Yeah, um, Mr. Edwards needs his checkbook. I think he said it was in the

desk. Oh.

And, uh, do you also happen to have a swimsuit?

One of your guests wants to go swimming.

What else, right?

Right, no problem.

Right. You know, Toby, I'm afraid I owe you an apology for the way I behaved

earlier. I'm just afraid I got the worst.

But Bill's explained everything.

Well, you know, I hope he can explain it to me, because I don't understand this.

Now Jenny's mad at me, too.

Miss Jenny, she won't understand this, and you will be able to explain it to

her. No, no, no, not understand.

Come in, Jenny.

People are beginning to complain.

We've got to get the food out.

Evelyn just ate an entire jar of olives off the bar, and now she's sucking

lemons. I'll be right down. I don't know where Toby and Carrie ran off to.

Oh, my earrings.

Bless me, Father Fry, I've sinned. Jenny, I can explain.

Oh, Mother, not you too.

Wait a second. Wait. I can explain.

Wait a minute.

Jenny, wait. Wait.

Oh.

Jenny, wait.

Jenny.

It's Patty.

Here, look. Put this on. You're going swimming.

Wait.

Wait. What about him?

No, he's beyond swimming.

All right. I'm going to tell Mr. Edwards.

It's his house. He'll have to deal with it.

You stay here and don't let anyone in.

I thought I was going swimming.

No, not now.

Well, it was all very confusing, Your Honor.

You see, people are always trying to confuse me. Why, just last week, you

know, Jaime, that's my agent. Well, he said, do I want to go down on the beach?

And, well, we were already on the beach. And it was all very confusing. Do you

see what I mean?

You poor thing.

What happened next?

Well, Toby went to find Bill.

Excuse me.

You got a pen, Jonathan?

Yeah.

Hey, always prepared.

97.50, right?

Yeah, right.

Look, do you think I could talk to you privately for a second?

Sure.

Excuse me.

What's up?

Well, nothing that should be.

What? Well, there's a girl upstairs with the governor.

So?

With the governor.

Oh.

You take the check and get the food out.

I'll, uh, I'll talk to the governor. Well, wait, you don't understand.

Better talk loud.

Oh, thank you for listening, Father.

Anytime, Ellen.

Now, remember, if you don't work at marriage, marriage won't work. Right.

Thank you.

Yes? Yes, what is it? Can you do the last right?

Well, of course I can.

Oh, well, you'd better do them.

Father, they're just about ready to serve. There's a girl in there. Uh,

let's not mention that right now.

Who is it?

It's Bill.

Is the governor in there?

Now, Patty, I know what you're doing in there, and I think it can be very risky

for the governor. There are lots of colonists downstairs who would love a

juicy piece of gossip like this. Your picture would be on the front page of

every paper in town.

Oh, fabulous!

Now, Patty, think what this will do to the governor's re-election.

Oh, I don't think he's going to be running.

Will you let me talk to him?

Sure. Go ahead.

Hello, sports beat. What's your sport? Football.

What's on your mind?

Tight end.

Okay, look, here's your money.

Call again. Call again.

This is like a bad dream.

Yeah, it was nice to have met you. Real nice.

No tip?

Um, look, I'll tell you. I'm a little short today, okay? A little short?

A little shit.

I'll go out front.

Patty, you've got to let me in there.

I can't. Patty, this is a matter of life and death.

You're half right.

What's going on?

The governor's in there with a girl. I can't get him out. The governor?

I didn't even know he was here.

I asked him to drop by. I thought maybe he and Grant could settle their

differences. But it turns out Grant was right. The governor does cheat on his

wife. Doesn't everyone?

That's not the point.

If Polly or Jonathan find out about this, they'll know Grant's book isn't

fictional. We'll be in lawsuits up to our ass. They may even try to stop the

picture. Well, what are we going to do?

We've got to try to get through that door.

Wouldn't you like a part in picnic lunch, hmm?

Well, yes, but I don't know.

I've never played plumber before.

It's easy.

You see, you're the housewife, and I've come to check out your pipes.

What'll it be, margarita?

Don't call me that. Johnny Walker.

Our caller wants to know...

Who set the world's record for the most times at bat? Since it's not you.

Lucky for me, I'm sitting bone.

The hell was that?

Just my stomach growling.

What are we going to do?

We've got to get him out of here.

Who knows about this?

Well, there's me, there's the two of you, there's the waiter, and...

Well, the governor isn't talking.

It's because he's dead.

Okay, I'm off.

You got it.

for all.

At a proper angle, and the right path, and splat!

Goodbye, party.

How's it coming?

Oh, it's going.

It's going.

Oh, well, you better be careful, dear. You don't want it to roll down that

hill. No, no, I know exactly where it's going. You just leave everything to me.

Not even in my will.

What the hell is that?

They're refried beans.

Well, it looks like shit.

First, we polish your fixture.

Hey, man, save some room for dessert.

Is she really going to eat all that?

Let me put it this way, dear. I always have her over whenever there's a garbage

truck.

Can I talk to you?

I can't stop you.

I just want you to know that whatever you think about... What makes you think

that I think about you at all?

I'm sorry, I thought you did.

Well, think again.

Now I suggest you go back to your place.

Oh, I see.

Back to my place.

Well, excuse me!

Don't worry. I know what to do. I taught this in camp.

You think you should take our choppers out?

Not now.

What are you trying to do? Kill me like a dog.

Funny dad.

Why are you trying to kill me, you son of a bitch? Leave me alone.

Let's get in the shower. I'll show you what the Roto-Rooter man can do.

Mind if I join you, lady?

Certainly. The food looks divine.

Well, you ought to know.

Come on, darling.

You all right?

I hope so. I haven't been paid yet.

Thank you.

What's the matter, sugar?

I'll get Toby to give me a hand. You two just stay here as if nothing happened.

Act natural.

I am natural.

Do you think we should call Alan? Over my dead body? No, over hers.

Shh.

Everyone here has the food.

Not enough salt.

A trick towel is the towel your son refers to after sex.

It has nothing to do with Halloween or showers.

And away go troubles down the...

Get that kid out of here.

Take these downstairs.

Oh, very funny, very funny.

Well, hello there.

Where have you been hiding all day?

You deliberately put something in those beans.

Jenny, wait. Why would I do that? To get attention.

Bernie told me that you wanted to be noticed today, that you want a part of

my father's picture.

Here, Jen, pass these out.

This is your idea of a joke.

I assure you, Polly, I don't know what could have happened.

Toby, I need your help.

We've got to get you-know-who out of here.

Yeah, but we can't just carry him out. I know, but... Wait a minute.

Come with me.

feather in that old hat.

But then you and Eleanor Roosevelt always were trendsetters.

Shit! Who's in there?

Go away!

Evelyn.

Evelyn, let me in there.

No!

Evelyn, look.

If you don't open this door right now, you get no dessert.

Who's that pretty broad?

Hey, isn't that Barb's over there? Grand darling, the beans are a must.

I've got to talk to you. Shouldn't your caterer be doing this? He's helping your

father. I can well imagine.

Jennifer, you're behaving like a spoiled little brat.

Now, I can explain everything that happened.

When Toby was under your bed... Oh, I didn't hear that. No, ma'am.

He was under there hiding from you.

From me? Yes. He thought you'd misunderstand his being in my bedroom. I

can assure you it was all quite innocent.

Sounds good to me.

Well, who the hell is she?

You don't know? No. You don't know Simone?

Who? Simone Caron. She's real big in France.

She looks pretty big in here, too.

Seems like everybody wants a part in picnic lunch. Right, Mr. Edwards?

Right, right.

Simone just flew in this morning. Looks like that jet lag finally caught up with

her. Looks like it passed her.

Evelyn, listen, they're getting ready to serve dessert downstairs.

Why don't you go down there? It's one of your favorites.

Alice B. Toklas banana cream pie.

All right.

But you make sure you bring Simone down later.

I want to get to know her better.

You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Mineral white.

Mineral olive.

Disgusting.

I invited Father Williams in to talk. Well, to confess, actually. And while I

was changing, Toby knocked.

Well, it would have seemed strange.

So Father Williams hid.

Sounds good to me.

And I suppose Toby had nothing to do with you either.

idea. I'm confused.

What about dad?

You told me. I was mistaken.

In truth, your father was with another woman.

No. He started this whole mess.

Well, he didn't start the trouble with the beans. That is definitely Toby's

territory. They sure were hot for cold beans.

Cold? I told the Chinese boy to have them heated.

You did what?

The beans should be hot.

Oh, my God.

Welcome to Toby territory.

Come on. Let's just clear it. Bring it.

Good. Now, just get him to your van. My van?

Look, kid, I'll make it worth your while. You want a part, right?

Right, but what do I do with him?

Dump him at Hollywood and Vine.

No one will notice for days.

Just dump him there? Toby, he's dead.

Scandal can't touch him now. They could sure as hell screw up my plans.

I'll have another bullshit.

Shot.

I am not.

There she is. Hey, Simone. Glad to see you up and about.

That's Simone Caron.

I want to buy her a drink.

Hey, come on, honey. I want to buy you a drink.

Really, Evelyn. I think she just needs a little air. Yeah.

Oh, thanks. I'd rather stand.

I wasn't talking to you, bimbo.

Evelyn, I think she's fine right here. Those stools are so uncomfortable.

See? Well, I still want to buy her a drink.

What'll you have, honey?

Oh, a wee-wee.

Hey, that was good. I didn't even see your lips move.

There. The plank's in place.

I got to look out on the terrace. Carmen Miranda, nude.

Wait a minute. Carmen Miranda is dead.

Yeah, she looks awful.

Hey, are we going skinny dipping?

We'll join you.

Come on, Simone.

Evan.

Evan, I don't think Simone is up to swimming. She can't swim.

Aren't you going in, Polly? We'll all close our eyes.

I wish you would close your eyes, darling.

Permanently.

Are you enjoying the food? I hear the beans are simply delicious.

Are they?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, not another earthquake.

Oh,

don't worry, Simone.

drink and she's passed out already.

The party's over.

It's time to call it a day.

I have a weather

bulletin just handed me by Uncle Willie.

Thank you, Uncle Willie.

Don't mention it. The Mount St. Helens eruption is in full force, causing

tremors to be felt as far south as San Francisco.

Oh, I guess it's nothing serious.

Kind of like one of Polly's columns.

see crazy.

ballroom to bring you a weather bulletin a minor earth tremor has just struck the

downtown los angeles area workers at the laurel canyon dam have now reported that

several cracks have been spotted leading to speculation of possible evacuation no

word on this from the governor damage in the downtown los angeles area now stands

at an estimated three million dollars but most importantly none i repeat none

of the major studios have sustained any damage

Oh, one more thing.

People in outlying communities should seek higher ground. Now, back to music.

This will make headlines!

you don't light up my life.

Ruined.

Totally ruined.

Aren't we all?

All right.

Who wants to fuck?

It would seem to have been some party.

Does anyone have anything to add?

Order,

order, order, or I'll hold you all in contempt.

Of what?

Of my chambers.

Go to hell. I heard that.

That'll cost you $100 a word, $300.

I should have said, fuck you.

I think a knife and a slammer would do all of you good. It would teach you

respect for the judicial system.

I've never done it. Right in general.

All concerned with themselves, it would seem.

And I admit, I almost went along for the ride.

I was just beginning to think, what's in it for me?

Just like everybody else.

And then I figured it out.

What's in it for me?

Not a goddamn thing.

Not even any self-respect.

So I've learned.

I learned a very important lesson from some unimportant teachers.

The only thing worth living is life itself.

That's the line from your book. The whole speech was.

End of audition.

Well,

how'd I do? Time will

tell.

I just came by to drop off the bill for the party. My folks aren't home right

now. Oh, that's okay. You can just have them mail me the check.

I really came by to see you.

Your dad?

Yeah. Um, I just wanted to know if there was any word on the audition.

I guess it looked pretty silly, huh? I didn't think so. And Dad was very

impressed with you.

He was?

Yeah, Grant, too. With all the publicity, they figure they've got a

real blockbuster on their hands.

So much so that they're expanding the script, including the party, the

hearing, and everything.

Really? Yeah, funny how things work out.

Hey, would you like to stay for lunch, or do you have to go back to work?

Work? What work? You're witnessing my swan song.

You lost the job?

Well, let's put it this way. The boss wasn't too happy about me spending $215

on noodles and beans.

No, I guess not.

Well, like you said, it's funny how things work out.

So your dad was really impressed, huh?

Really? You know the part of the college kid? Yeah.

Dad thinks Bernie would be perfect for it.

Bernie. I knew I looked pretty silly.

Why does every silver lining have a cloud?

Dad wants you for the role of Toby.

Toby? The caterer in the expanded script.

You're kidding, really?

Well, that's terrific.

So, how about lunch?

Do I get dessert?

I guarantee it.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing. Well, it's this thing I have. I mean, it's sort of a fantasy.

I mean, sometimes I see you and you don't have any clothes on. Your clothes

disappear. Well, they didn't this time.

I'm not wearing any.

You're not?

Now, about the role of Toby.

Yeah. Dad's letting me cast it. Yeah, fine. And I have a casting couch.

Yeah. And you're invited to audition.

Invited?

I am.

You want an engraved invitation?

No, but I'll definitely RSVP.