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1
00:00:00,938 --> 00:00:02,638
Okay, that's the least
of my worries
2
00:00:02,768 --> 00:00:04,488
in episodes I, II, and III,
by the way.
3
00:00:04,518 --> 00:00:05,958
Oh, you're talking
about George Lucas
4
00:00:05,988 --> 00:00:08,478
and how he's been completely
seduced by CGI.
5
00:00:08,528 --> 00:00:09,928
Oh, [bleep]!
6
00:00:10,138 --> 00:00:11,908
- Paint?
- This is a new shirt.
7
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:13,168
- Are you kidding me?
- Damn!
8
00:00:13,198 --> 00:00:15,768
- Damn.
- Oh, God--
9
00:00:15,798 --> 00:00:17,528
- That sucks.
- This is so--
10
00:00:17,568 --> 00:00:18,798
Look at this.
11
00:00:19,968 --> 00:00:21,498
It's like I got
two little paint titties
12
00:00:21,538 --> 00:00:22,508
on my shirt now.
13
00:00:29,138 --> 00:00:30,238
What are you looking at?
14
00:00:30,278 --> 00:00:31,508
Hmm?
15
00:00:31,548 --> 00:00:32,778
What?
16
00:00:34,108 --> 00:00:35,178
Dude, my eyes are up here.
17
00:00:35,208 --> 00:00:36,248
Yeah.
18
00:00:36,278 --> 00:00:39,748
Eyes.
19
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:40,748
Wha--
20
00:00:40,838 --> 00:00:42,348
Dude, what are you doing?
21
00:00:42,388 --> 00:00:44,648
It's paint.
What are you doing?
22
00:00:44,688 --> 00:00:47,118
Come on, we've had a good time
today, haven't we?
23
00:00:47,158 --> 00:00:49,788
You know?
We hung out the whole day.
24
00:00:49,828 --> 00:00:51,128
It's paint!
25
00:00:51,158 --> 00:00:53,158
Paint!
It comes off. see?
26
00:00:53,198 --> 00:00:55,128
- See how that comes off, huh?
- Yeah.
27
00:00:55,168 --> 00:00:57,298
Yeah. Yes.
28
00:00:57,338 --> 00:01:00,138
Oh, dude, stop it.
Just stop it.
29
00:01:00,168 --> 00:01:01,238
You want me to stop it,
30
00:01:01,268 --> 00:01:02,968
then stop licking
your little titties.
31
00:01:03,008 --> 00:01:04,768
They're not real titties.
32
00:01:04,808 --> 00:01:05,768
- What?
- Oh--
33
00:01:06,808 --> 00:01:09,208
- Really? Twice?
- Unbelievable.
34
00:01:09,418 --> 00:01:10,478
Hello, ladies.
35
00:01:15,548 --> 00:01:17,618
Yeah.
36
00:01:41,008 --> 00:01:44,208
Whoa!
37
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,338
Thank you!
38
00:01:45,378 --> 00:01:48,048
- All right.
- Thank you.
39
00:01:48,328 --> 00:01:50,128
Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
40
00:01:50,158 --> 00:01:51,928
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
41
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:56,568
Thank you for coming out.
42
00:01:56,598 --> 00:01:59,798
There is a real-life dude
Named Silverberry Mouhon.
43
00:02:03,438 --> 00:02:07,338
Silverberry
is his first name.
44
00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,648
Like, his mom just watched
45
00:02:08,678 --> 00:02:10,148
Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory--
46
00:02:13,878 --> 00:02:15,788
Have you been paying attention
to players' names?
47
00:02:15,818 --> 00:02:18,188
- Real life beat us this year.
- Yeah.
48
00:02:18,218 --> 00:02:21,388
You guys know this guy
from L.S.U., right?
49
00:02:21,428 --> 00:02:22,458
Barkevious Mingo.
50
00:02:22,488 --> 00:02:24,758
That's a real dude.
51
00:02:24,798 --> 00:02:25,758
And I don't if you know this,
52
00:02:25,798 --> 00:02:28,298
but Barkevious Mingo has
a brother
53
00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:32,368
by the name
of Hughtavious Mingo.
54
00:02:32,398 --> 00:02:34,168
You know what
the most ridiculous one?
55
00:02:34,208 --> 00:02:35,868
There's a dude named
56
00:02:35,908 --> 00:02:40,008
Wonderful Terrific Monds II.
57
00:02:40,048 --> 00:02:42,348
- No.
- That's a real dude, Keegan.
58
00:02:42,378 --> 00:02:44,118
- That's a real dude.
- What?
59
00:02:46,248 --> 00:02:49,018
I'm Dave Sasson
alongside Jeff Worthing,
60
00:02:49,048 --> 00:02:52,488
and welcome to the 2013
East/West Bowl,
61
00:02:52,518 --> 00:02:53,858
Where we're going
to be watching
62
00:02:53,888 --> 00:02:56,228
some of the best college
athletes in the nation
63
00:02:56,258 --> 00:02:59,258
try to put last year's
spectacle to shame.
64
00:02:59,298 --> 00:03:00,398
That's right, Dave.
65
00:03:00,428 --> 00:03:01,698
It won't be easy,
66
00:03:01,728 --> 00:03:04,638
but this year's seniors
certainly will be trying
67
00:03:04,668 --> 00:03:07,568
to give last year's stars
a run for their money.
68
00:03:07,608 --> 00:03:08,808
Let's check out the teams,
69
00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:11,008
starting with the players
from the East.
70
00:03:16,078 --> 00:03:19,248
Coznesster Smiff,
Rutgers University.
71
00:03:19,278 --> 00:03:22,888
Elipses Corter,
University of Alabama.
72
00:03:22,918 --> 00:03:26,658
Nyquillus Dillwad, LSU.
73
00:03:26,688 --> 00:03:30,888
Bismo Funyuns,
Florida State University.
74
00:03:30,928 --> 00:03:33,828
Decatholac Mango,
Georgia Tech University.
75
00:03:33,858 --> 00:03:38,098
Mergatroid Skittle,
University of Louisville.
76
00:03:38,128 --> 00:03:41,538
Quiznatodd Bidness,
University of Tennessee.
77
00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:45,008
D'pez Poopsie, Ole Miss.
78
00:03:45,038 --> 00:03:48,208
Quackadilly Blip,
Auburn University.
79
00:03:48,238 --> 00:03:51,748
Goolius Boozler, the "U."
80
00:03:51,778 --> 00:03:55,018
Bisquiteen Trisket,
University of Michigan.
81
00:03:55,048 --> 00:03:59,218
Fartrell Cluggins,
University of Arkansas.
82
00:03:59,258 --> 00:04:03,358
Blyrone Blashinton,
Syracuse.
83
00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:06,658
Cartoons Plural,
Virginia Tech.
84
00:04:06,698 --> 00:04:09,028
Jammie Jammie-Jammie,
85
00:04:09,068 --> 00:04:11,218
the Ohio State University.
86
00:04:12,028 --> 00:04:13,818
Fudge.
87
00:04:16,468 --> 00:04:18,438
Some of the big stories
this year--
88
00:04:18,468 --> 00:04:21,808
The meteoric rise
of D'pez Poopsie,
89
00:04:21,838 --> 00:04:24,248
and let's not forget
about Heisman winner
90
00:04:24,278 --> 00:04:25,618
Jammie Jammie-Jammie.
91
00:04:25,648 --> 00:04:28,148
And remember, you can't talk
about 2013
92
00:04:28,188 --> 00:04:29,788
without bringing up Fudge.
93
00:04:29,818 --> 00:04:31,488
Everybody's talking
about Fudge.
94
00:04:31,518 --> 00:04:33,618
At 350 pounds,
this running back
95
00:04:33,658 --> 00:04:35,928
is almost unstoppable
the whole year.
96
00:04:35,958 --> 00:04:38,328
You're right. I could talk
about Fudge all day.
97
00:04:38,358 --> 00:04:40,898
But first, let's meet
the players from the West.
98
00:04:46,538 --> 00:04:50,208
Equine Ducklings,
Indiana University,
99
00:04:50,238 --> 00:04:52,208
Purdue University,
Indianapolis.
100
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,278
Dahistorius Lamystorius,
101
00:04:54,288 --> 00:04:56,288
Utah State University.
102
00:04:56,718 --> 00:05:00,078
Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein,
103
00:05:00,118 --> 00:05:02,118
Oklahoma State University.
104
00:05:02,288 --> 00:05:04,418
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow,
105
00:05:04,458 --> 00:05:06,188
University of Nebraska.
106
00:05:06,458 --> 00:05:09,688
Huka'Lakanaka
Hakanakaheekalucka'Hukahakafaka,
107
00:05:09,728 --> 00:05:11,358
University of Hawaii.
108
00:05:11,568 --> 00:05:15,168
King Prince Chambermaid,
Baylor University.
109
00:05:15,368 --> 00:05:19,798
Ladennifer Jadaniston,
University of Colorado.
110
00:05:19,838 --> 00:05:24,208
Ladadadaladadadadada
Dala-Dadaladaladalada,
111
00:05:24,238 --> 00:05:25,778
University of Arizona.
112
00:05:25,808 --> 00:05:27,658
Harvard University,
113
00:05:29,208 --> 00:05:30,808
DeVry University.
114
00:05:35,818 --> 00:05:39,058
Army, Navy Surplus Store.
115
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:42,658
Wingdings,
online classes.
116
00:05:42,688 --> 00:05:44,728
Firstname Lastname,
117
00:05:44,758 --> 00:05:46,298
College University.
118
00:05:46,598 --> 00:05:49,768
God,
homeschooled.
119
00:05:49,988 --> 00:05:52,118
Squeeeeeeeeeps,
120
00:05:52,388 --> 00:05:53,948
Santa Monica College.
121
00:05:54,448 --> 00:05:56,708
Benedict Cumberbatch,
122
00:05:56,738 --> 00:05:58,678
Oxford University.
123
00:05:59,078 --> 00:06:02,078
A.A. Ron Balakay,
Morehouse College.
124
00:06:17,998 --> 00:06:19,098
Latrell?
125
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:20,528
What's up, baby girl?
126
00:06:20,568 --> 00:06:22,898
Can you please turn
that off?
127
00:06:22,928 --> 00:06:25,538
- Why, you don't like my music?
- Is it music?
128
00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:27,938
Because it sounds like a bunch
of sex noises
129
00:06:27,968 --> 00:06:29,868
over a bass line.
130
00:06:29,908 --> 00:06:31,368
Oh.
131
00:06:31,408 --> 00:06:32,608
I get it.
132
00:06:32,638 --> 00:06:34,238
You don't like my music
'cause I'm gay.
133
00:06:34,278 --> 00:06:37,378
You can't handle
a gay man's music.
134
00:06:37,408 --> 00:06:38,408
No, no, no.
135
00:06:38,448 --> 00:06:39,778
It's-- I'm trying to work here,
136
00:06:39,818 --> 00:06:41,848
and that music
is weirdly sexual.
137
00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:43,948
Oh, I see.
138
00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:47,418
So my sexuality is weird.
139
00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:50,688
You just can't fathom a man
being attracted
140
00:06:50,728 --> 00:06:52,958
to another man.
141
00:06:52,998 --> 00:06:55,058
I can fathom it.
It's--
142
00:06:55,098 --> 00:06:57,068
Can you just please listen
to some other gay music,
143
00:06:57,098 --> 00:06:58,368
like Barbra Streisand
or something--
144
00:06:58,398 --> 00:07:00,028
Oh, I see, I see.
Okay.
145
00:07:00,068 --> 00:07:04,708
So listening
to Barbra Streisand is gay.
146
00:07:04,738 --> 00:07:07,738
Stereotype much?
147
00:07:11,278 --> 00:07:13,198
So you seeing
anybody lately?
148
00:07:15,448 --> 00:07:17,048
Yeah, I-I mean, kind of.
149
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:18,218
I think--
150
00:07:18,248 --> 00:07:20,318
'cause I got it good
last night.
151
00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:23,728
Oh, it was like, damn!
I mean, my man was like, blop!
152
00:07:23,758 --> 00:07:27,228
Like, he had a baby arm holding
on to a apple.
153
00:07:27,258 --> 00:07:30,328
Aw, don't call it
a baby arm.
154
00:07:30,368 --> 00:07:31,998
Aw.
155
00:07:32,028 --> 00:07:33,528
I see.
156
00:07:33,568 --> 00:07:36,198
So you can't handle hearing
about how I'm gay.
157
00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:38,108
I'm sorry.
158
00:07:38,138 --> 00:07:40,538
You just referred
to your boyfriend's penis
159
00:07:40,578 --> 00:07:43,408
as a baby's arm
holding an apple.
160
00:07:43,448 --> 00:07:44,878
Well, that's what
it looked like.
161
00:07:44,908 --> 00:07:46,548
And it's not my boyfriend,
by the way.
162
00:07:46,578 --> 00:07:50,818
And "anywhats,"
you're homophobic.
163
00:07:50,848 --> 00:07:53,818
No, no, no.
That's not homophobic, okay?
164
00:07:53,858 --> 00:07:56,928
You're explicitly talking
about sexual things
165
00:07:56,958 --> 00:07:59,028
in the workplace.
166
00:07:59,058 --> 00:08:00,288
Fine.
167
00:08:00,328 --> 00:08:02,598
There's plenty of stuff
that we can talk about.
168
00:08:02,628 --> 00:08:06,028
You know, uh, my penis cup,
169
00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:08,968
my scrotum cozies that I have
been knitting recently--
170
00:08:08,998 --> 00:08:11,508
Oh, with these knitting needles
that I have just noticed
171
00:08:11,538 --> 00:08:14,068
look like little, skinny,
purple penises,
172
00:08:14,108 --> 00:08:15,838
et cetera and et cetera.
173
00:08:15,878 --> 00:08:17,308
Oh, my God.
174
00:08:17,348 --> 00:08:18,708
Can I show you a picture,
175
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,078
and then you tell me
if it's good for Facebook?
176
00:08:21,118 --> 00:08:23,718
Okay, I'm fairly certain
you're going to show me
177
00:08:23,748 --> 00:08:25,118
something overtly sexual.
178
00:08:25,148 --> 00:08:26,948
Don't you prejudge me!
Here it is.
179
00:08:26,988 --> 00:08:28,718
Agh! [bleep]!
180
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,988
That's a close-up
of an anus.
181
00:08:31,018 --> 00:08:33,688
Oh, no, that's not an anus.
182
00:08:33,728 --> 00:08:36,298
That's my anus, baby girl.
183
00:08:36,328 --> 00:08:39,028
- That's disgusting.
- Oh, I see.
184
00:08:39,068 --> 00:08:41,128
So you don't want to see
a close-up picture of my anus
185
00:08:41,168 --> 00:08:42,598
'cause you hate gay men.
186
00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:43,838
No.
187
00:08:43,868 --> 00:08:45,268
I don't want to look
at a close-up picture
188
00:08:45,308 --> 00:08:47,368
of anyone's anus.
189
00:08:47,408 --> 00:08:48,568
Homophobe.
190
00:08:48,608 --> 00:08:50,878
Homophobe.
There's a homophobe right here.
191
00:08:50,908 --> 00:08:52,608
Ho--
192
00:08:52,638 --> 00:08:53,838
Homophobe alert!
193
00:08:53,878 --> 00:08:55,448
Homophobe!
194
00:08:58,648 --> 00:09:00,678
Hey.
195
00:09:00,718 --> 00:09:01,888
Hey, baby.
How's it going?
196
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:04,048
Good.
Ready to go to lunch?
197
00:09:04,088 --> 00:09:05,318
Yeah.
198
00:09:05,358 --> 00:09:07,118
Uh, Latrell, this is Gavin.
199
00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:09,058
Gavin, this is Latrell.
This is my boyfriend.
200
00:09:09,088 --> 00:09:10,288
How you doing?
201
00:09:10,328 --> 00:09:12,128
I'm-- I'm--
I'm doing very well.
202
00:09:12,158 --> 00:09:14,898
How-- How are you doing,
Gavin-- Gavin?
203
00:09:14,928 --> 00:09:16,528
- Great. Want to go?
- Yeah.
204
00:09:16,568 --> 00:09:17,738
Nice to meet you.
205
00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:18,898
No, trust me.
It's not.
206
00:09:18,938 --> 00:09:20,398
- No?
- That's the guy.
207
00:09:20,438 --> 00:09:21,408
Oh.
208
00:09:21,438 --> 00:09:23,938
Oh...
I get it.
209
00:09:23,978 --> 00:09:26,248
I'm not persecuted.
I'm just a ass[bleep].
210
00:09:28,048 --> 00:09:29,878
Ah.
211
00:09:35,985 --> 00:09:38,315
Something that fascinates us
to no end
212
00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:39,415
are religious cults.
213
00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:40,755
Mm-hmm.
214
00:09:40,785 --> 00:09:42,275
They're crazy,
because that's job security
215
00:09:42,305 --> 00:09:43,205
for the leader...
216
00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:44,425
- Yes.
- No matter what.
217
00:09:44,455 --> 00:09:45,525
That's the best job
in the world.
218
00:09:45,565 --> 00:09:47,095
You make up all the rules
as you go,
219
00:09:47,125 --> 00:09:48,425
lots of ladies.
220
00:09:48,465 --> 00:09:51,795
"The Lord has declared
I get a backrub at 2:00."
221
00:09:51,835 --> 00:09:53,435
- All right.
- That's--
222
00:09:53,465 --> 00:09:55,365
I just-- You can do
anything you want.
223
00:09:55,405 --> 00:09:58,735
"We will now pass around
the communion of lemonheads."
224
00:09:58,775 --> 00:09:59,805
That's not--
225
00:10:01,945 --> 00:10:03,245
My concern with cults--
226
00:10:03,275 --> 00:10:06,475
if your messiah looks
more like Jesus than Jesus...
227
00:10:06,515 --> 00:10:08,885
Mm-hmm.
228
00:10:08,915 --> 00:10:10,785
put on the brakes.
229
00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:14,285
If your messiah smells
more like Jesus
230
00:10:14,325 --> 00:10:17,655
than Jesus...
231
00:10:17,695 --> 00:10:20,865
If your messiah looks like
that man right there...
232
00:10:25,135 --> 00:10:26,405
Ohm.
233
00:10:31,075 --> 00:10:33,945
Rick Nicklesby reporting live
from a gruesome scene.
234
00:10:33,975 --> 00:10:37,315
A cult known as Q.E.T.,
or Quest for Eternal Truth,
235
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,445
has apparently taken their
own lives in a mass suicide.
236
00:10:40,485 --> 00:10:43,485
Police confirm that
cyanide-laced cherry Kool-Aid
237
00:10:43,515 --> 00:10:44,955
was also on the premises.
238
00:10:45,055 --> 00:10:47,425
Excuse me. Hi.
Rick Nicklesby, Channel 6.
239
00:10:47,455 --> 00:10:49,155
Hi. Are you two
from the neighborhood?
240
00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:50,895
- Yes.
- No.
241
00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:52,425
- No.
- Yes.
242
00:10:54,795 --> 00:10:57,095
Okay, were you two members
of the cult that lived here?
243
00:10:57,135 --> 00:10:58,265
The cul-- What cult?
244
00:10:58,295 --> 00:10:59,605
- What?
- Was this a cult right here?
245
00:10:59,635 --> 00:11:00,935
- Cult?
- I had no idea this was a cult.
246
00:11:00,965 --> 00:11:01,965
- No way.
- A cult?
247
00:11:02,005 --> 00:11:03,105
Although I will say,
248
00:11:03,135 --> 00:11:04,635
the term "cult"
is a little judgmental.
249
00:11:04,675 --> 00:11:05,945
I would say
the same thing, yeah.
250
00:11:05,975 --> 00:11:07,305
- Not knowing the full doctrine.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
251
00:11:07,345 --> 00:11:08,905
Well, apparently,
they believed that there was
252
00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:10,745
a spaceship waiting for them
behind the Moon.
253
00:11:10,775 --> 00:11:13,245
Okay, well, you know,
that still is really possible.
254
00:11:13,285 --> 00:11:14,615
- Not completely crazy.
- It's possible, right?
255
00:11:14,645 --> 00:11:16,585
I mean, who knows what is
out there in the universe?
256
00:11:16,615 --> 00:11:17,955
Anything could be
behind the Moon.
257
00:11:17,985 --> 00:11:19,485
Okay, well, it appears
they killed themselves
258
00:11:19,525 --> 00:11:20,925
in order to board the ship.
259
00:11:20,955 --> 00:11:22,425
Right, and that's where
we disagreed with them,
260
00:11:22,455 --> 00:11:23,595
right there,
or would have--
261
00:11:23,625 --> 00:11:25,295
we would have disagreed
with them
262
00:11:25,325 --> 00:11:26,965
had we been there
on our departure day--
263
00:11:26,995 --> 00:11:29,065
their departure day.
Their departure day!
264
00:11:29,095 --> 00:11:30,065
- Yeah.
- Which is the day
265
00:11:30,095 --> 00:11:31,735
that they did this.
266
00:11:31,765 --> 00:11:33,205
I mean, that's what you
could call it,
267
00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:34,835
if you wanted to--
I ain't in no cult.
268
00:11:34,875 --> 00:11:37,675
No, I mean, what I always
wondered is how--
269
00:11:37,705 --> 00:11:39,275
or am starting to wonder,
270
00:11:39,305 --> 00:11:41,875
since you brought this
to our attention--
271
00:11:41,915 --> 00:11:44,015
Why-- if there was a spaceship
in the sky,
272
00:11:44,045 --> 00:11:46,585
why wouldn't it just
beam us up-- beam them up?
273
00:11:46,615 --> 00:11:48,685
Right, just beam 'em--
just beam them up.
274
00:11:48,715 --> 00:11:50,085
Why can't you just
beam them up alive?
275
00:11:50,125 --> 00:11:51,755
Why you got to be dead
to get beamed up?
276
00:11:51,785 --> 00:11:52,635
You know what I'm saying?
277
00:11:52,685 --> 00:11:53,985
I've been saying that
for weeks-- seconds.
278
00:11:54,015 --> 00:11:56,495
For seconds, 'cause--
because you, Rick Nicklesby,
279
00:11:56,525 --> 00:11:58,725
you told us that,
you know,
280
00:11:58,765 --> 00:12:00,135
and that's how I knew,
because--
281
00:12:00,165 --> 00:12:01,535
- 15 seconds ago.
- 15 seconds ago, you said it.
282
00:12:01,565 --> 00:12:03,405
I didn't know anything about it
until you said it,
283
00:12:03,435 --> 00:12:04,605
'cause I ain't in no cult.
284
00:12:04,635 --> 00:12:06,535
Okay, then why would someone
join a cult?
285
00:12:06,575 --> 00:12:08,605
- Compelling leadership.
- Charismatic leader.
286
00:12:08,635 --> 00:12:10,305
Like, a compelling--
287
00:12:10,345 --> 00:12:11,905
- Taco Tuesdays.
- A person--
288
00:12:11,945 --> 00:12:13,275
- Taco Tuesdays.
- Taco Tuesdays.
289
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,375
I mean, hypothetically,
290
00:12:14,415 --> 00:12:15,745
they could have had tacos
on Tuesday,
291
00:12:15,785 --> 00:12:16,745
which would have been a draw.
292
00:12:16,785 --> 00:12:17,745
I mean, that would have been
a plus.
293
00:12:17,785 --> 00:12:20,215
Okay, so this is
a tragic day
294
00:12:20,255 --> 00:12:21,515
for this community
295
00:12:21,555 --> 00:12:24,655
and for the members
of the Quest for Earthly Truth.
296
00:12:24,685 --> 00:12:27,625
I'm Rick Nicklesby reporting--
297
00:12:27,655 --> 00:12:28,995
Whoa.
298
00:12:29,025 --> 00:12:30,025
- You see?
- Yep.
299
00:12:30,065 --> 00:12:31,465
- You see?
- Uh-huh.
300
00:12:31,495 --> 00:12:33,565
Everybody jumped the gun.
301
00:12:33,595 --> 00:12:36,935
We're ready!
302
00:12:42,537 --> 00:12:45,037
Jordan and I lived together.
We lived together.
303
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,197
Who was your landlord when
we lived in that apartment?
304
00:12:47,237 --> 00:12:48,267
My landlord?
Um...
305
00:12:48,307 --> 00:12:49,560
Did you ever meet
your landlord?
306
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:50,970
- Russian lady.
- Some Russian lady.
307
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,510
Some Russian lady.
Never saw her.
308
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,670
But I love the way-- You always
say we were roommates for,
309
00:12:55,710 --> 00:12:58,388
uh, what, two months?
310
00:12:58,412 --> 00:13:00,022
About two months, yeah.
311
00:13:00,052 --> 00:13:02,263
We weren't roommates, though,
'cause I didn't get no rent.
312
00:13:04,222 --> 00:13:06,822
- Cleaning your bathroom...
- Yeah.
313
00:13:06,862 --> 00:13:08,562
is worth
about six months' rent.
314
00:13:08,592 --> 00:13:10,862
That's true.
315
00:13:13,232 --> 00:13:17,032
It's your landlord!
316
00:13:17,072 --> 00:13:18,832
Hey, Devon.
317
00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:20,872
Hey, how you doing, brother?
318
00:13:20,902 --> 00:13:21,902
How you doing?
Yeah.
319
00:13:21,942 --> 00:13:24,942
Just, uh, stopping by.
320
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:28,612
Just wanted to check up
on everything.
321
00:13:30,312 --> 00:13:32,012
- Okay.
- Yeah-- Aha!
322
00:13:32,052 --> 00:13:35,182
You in here,
you little mother[bleep]?
323
00:13:35,222 --> 00:13:37,192
Nope.
324
00:13:37,222 --> 00:13:40,692
Closet look good.
325
00:13:40,722 --> 00:13:42,762
Door is strong.
326
00:13:42,792 --> 00:13:44,932
- So y'all settling in?
- Yeah.
327
00:13:44,962 --> 00:13:48,432
We've been living here
a year and a half, so we have.
328
00:13:48,462 --> 00:13:52,602
So, uh, how are these
cupboards working out for you?
329
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,972
Man, nobody in here...
330
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,772
besides your stuff,
which looks good.
331
00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:58,512
Thank you.
332
00:13:58,542 --> 00:14:00,612
Completely unrelated--
333
00:14:00,642 --> 00:14:04,442
Have y'all seen a 4'11" dude
with a purple beard up in here?
334
00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:05,582
No. No.
335
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,052
No, no one's in here...
336
00:14:08,082 --> 00:14:10,382
probably because we lock
the door.
337
00:14:11,562 --> 00:14:14,712
Oh, he got the body
like a rat.
338
00:14:14,722 --> 00:14:17,522
He can just squeeze
through the vents.
339
00:14:17,562 --> 00:14:19,192
Yeah.
340
00:14:19,232 --> 00:14:21,232
So you think somebody's hiding
in my apartment?
341
00:14:21,262 --> 00:14:22,262
No.
342
00:14:22,302 --> 00:14:24,032
I told you--
343
00:14:24,062 --> 00:14:25,632
It's just a social call.
344
00:14:25,672 --> 00:14:27,402
I mean, why would Gerald be
in here, anyway?
345
00:14:27,432 --> 00:14:28,702
Gerald.
346
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:31,202
There is a man
with a purple beard
347
00:14:31,242 --> 00:14:33,272
named Gerald in my apartment?
348
00:14:33,312 --> 00:14:34,512
Hell, no!
349
00:14:34,542 --> 00:14:36,542
Why?
Did you see him?
350
00:14:36,582 --> 00:14:38,212
He about 4'9",
got a purple beard.
351
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,452
Yeah.
352
00:14:39,482 --> 00:14:41,052
Hey, baby--
353
00:14:41,082 --> 00:14:42,222
Ugh!
354
00:14:42,252 --> 00:14:43,752
This is-- Agh!
355
00:14:46,292 --> 00:14:47,752
Oh.
356
00:14:47,792 --> 00:14:49,692
Hey, baby girl.
357
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,292
You ain't Gerald.
358
00:14:52,332 --> 00:14:55,662
Oh, by the by, have you seen
A 4'5" purple beard?
359
00:14:55,702 --> 00:14:56,962
Baby...
360
00:14:57,002 --> 00:14:59,132
Devon, what's going on?
361
00:14:59,172 --> 00:15:02,272
Okay, you know,
I'm gonna level with all y'all.
362
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,872
There is a 4'3" [bleep]
with a purple beard named Gerald
363
00:15:05,912 --> 00:15:07,942
somewhere in this building.
364
00:15:07,982 --> 00:15:09,582
Why does he keep getting
smaller
365
00:15:09,612 --> 00:15:10,952
every time you mention him?
366
00:15:10,982 --> 00:15:12,212
Seriously?
367
00:15:12,252 --> 00:15:13,682
'cause I didn't want
to alarm y'all.
368
00:15:13,722 --> 00:15:17,022
He is disturbingly small,
really.
369
00:15:17,052 --> 00:15:18,292
He a good guy.
370
00:15:18,652 --> 00:15:19,992
He smoke rock, though.
371
00:15:20,022 --> 00:15:24,332
I mean, he'll do anything
to get money for crack.
372
00:15:24,362 --> 00:15:25,832
Anything.
373
00:15:25,862 --> 00:15:28,032
Okay.
374
00:15:28,062 --> 00:15:30,002
I mean anything.
375
00:15:30,032 --> 00:15:31,532
I get it.
376
00:15:31,572 --> 00:15:36,372
He will murder you.
377
00:15:36,412 --> 00:15:40,342
Well, we certainly hope
you find him.
378
00:15:40,382 --> 00:15:42,582
Oh, I'm gonna find him.
379
00:15:42,612 --> 00:15:44,282
Don't worry about that,
380
00:15:44,312 --> 00:15:46,182
'cause I'm gonna look low,
381
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,382
and then
I'm gonna look high.
382
00:15:55,862 --> 00:15:58,862
Gerald,
you tiny little bitch!
383
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,692
Sorry for the inconvenience,
y'all.
384
00:16:00,732 --> 00:16:04,832
Gerald, when I get my hands
in you, you gonna be 2'3"!
385
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,700
Welcome to Metta World News.
386
00:16:10,730 --> 00:16:11,940
In science news,
387
00:16:11,970 --> 00:16:13,940
it is impossible
to knock yourself out
388
00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:16,370
with your own fists.
389
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,640
Let's not fall behind,
America.
390
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,880
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
391
00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:21,950
for this Wednesday,
392
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,450
Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit.
393
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,050
I'm Metta World Peace.
394
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,090
Good night.
395
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:34,560
You win, fish.
396
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,730
Now I'm the one
in the aquarium.
397
00:16:41,035 --> 00:16:42,535
How many dads
do we have here?
398
00:16:42,565 --> 00:16:44,165
A few dads?
399
00:16:44,205 --> 00:16:45,905
All right.
400
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:47,505
The best thing
about being a father
401
00:16:47,535 --> 00:16:48,505
is the mother.
402
00:16:48,535 --> 00:16:49,635
- It's the mom.
- Right?
403
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:50,645
It's the mother.
404
00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:51,775
Because of moms,
405
00:16:51,805 --> 00:16:53,845
dads have the default phrase,
right?
406
00:16:53,875 --> 00:16:56,245
What'd your mother say?
407
00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:57,615
I-- Well, I--
Yeah, I didn't ask her yet.
408
00:16:57,645 --> 00:16:59,415
That's why I came to you,
'cause--
409
00:16:59,455 --> 00:17:02,825
Don't do that.
410
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,355
If the kid comes to the dad,
411
00:17:04,385 --> 00:17:05,955
the dad should already
just extrapolate
412
00:17:05,995 --> 00:17:07,655
that the mom
was gonna say no.
413
00:17:07,695 --> 00:17:10,025
'cause you know the dad's made
that mistake before
414
00:17:10,065 --> 00:17:11,425
and got the kid some [bleep],
415
00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:13,295
had to walk
into his wife's room,
416
00:17:13,335 --> 00:17:15,735
talking about...
417
00:17:18,735 --> 00:17:21,535
Slingshots?
418
00:17:21,575 --> 00:17:25,875
They had done
some Jedi mind tricks.
419
00:17:25,915 --> 00:17:29,445
They told me you said
they could have it.
420
00:17:29,485 --> 00:17:31,045
They used
the Jedi mind trick?
421
00:17:31,085 --> 00:17:32,715
They used
the Jedi mind trick, man.
422
00:17:32,755 --> 00:17:35,915
- You'll never have sex again.
- Aw, man.
423
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:41,295
D-dad? Dad?
424
00:17:41,325 --> 00:17:44,795
Dad!
425
00:17:44,825 --> 00:17:46,265
Hey, what's wrong, man?
426
00:17:46,295 --> 00:17:47,865
I was having a nightmare.
427
00:17:47,895 --> 00:17:50,605
Oh, again?
428
00:17:53,335 --> 00:17:56,675
- What, you want to talk about it?
- I miss mommy.
429
00:17:58,045 --> 00:18:00,875
Hey, I know.
I know.
430
00:18:00,915 --> 00:18:03,245
It's-- Hey, me too.
Me too, pal.
431
00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:07,455
Come here, man.
432
00:18:07,485 --> 00:18:09,315
It's all right.
Hey, it's okay.
433
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:12,255
It's gonna be okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
434
00:18:12,295 --> 00:18:15,255
I just don't want anything
to ever happen to you.
435
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,625
Happen to me?
436
00:18:16,665 --> 00:18:19,725
Hey, come on, man, ain't nothing
ever gonna happen to me.
437
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,335
Really?
438
00:18:22,365 --> 00:18:25,105
Y-Yeah.
That's what I said.
439
00:18:25,135 --> 00:18:26,565
So, yes.
440
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:28,505
That, um, nothing ever gonna
happen to me.
441
00:18:28,535 --> 00:18:29,875
And you ain't never
gonna have to worry
442
00:18:29,905 --> 00:18:31,145
about nothing
happening to me.
443
00:18:31,175 --> 00:18:33,505
But-- But-- what if--
444
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,695
what if you got hit by a car
or something?
445
00:18:37,635 --> 00:18:40,955
That's impossible,
because I will never die,
446
00:18:40,985 --> 00:18:44,485
S-So I can't...
447
00:18:44,525 --> 00:18:46,225
die, no matter what.
448
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:47,525
You can't die?
449
00:18:47,555 --> 00:18:50,525
But I thought
all human beings died.
450
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:54,935
That's true.
That's true.
451
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:57,065
That's science,
so that's true.
452
00:18:57,105 --> 00:19:01,875
But I am lucky,
'cause I am not a human.
453
00:19:01,905 --> 00:19:03,235
You're not?
454
00:19:04,505 --> 00:19:07,545
- I never told you about this?
- No.
455
00:19:07,575 --> 00:19:08,975
Hey, you know,
I'll just let it out.
456
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:13,315
I'm from a planet called
L-La-- Thelonious,
457
00:19:13,355 --> 00:19:15,655
and the thing is,
it was being destroyed.
458
00:19:15,685 --> 00:19:16,655
Okay.
459
00:19:16,685 --> 00:19:17,955
That's what happened.
460
00:19:17,985 --> 00:19:21,255
My-- was-- I was sent down
here in-- in--
461
00:19:21,295 --> 00:19:24,195
in a capsule to Earth
by my parents.
462
00:19:24,225 --> 00:19:26,495
Oh, like Superman.
463
00:19:26,535 --> 00:19:28,835
Superman, yep.
464
00:19:28,865 --> 00:19:32,205
That is what
it is exactly like, except--
465
00:19:32,235 --> 00:19:34,335
Oh, here's the thing
about my version.
466
00:19:34,375 --> 00:19:37,045
only one superpower--
immortality.
467
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:38,675
- Oh.
- Yeah.
468
00:19:38,705 --> 00:19:39,805
So I'm tired.
469
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,615
Daddy's tired.
470
00:19:41,645 --> 00:19:44,345
Can you--
Let's go to sleep, okay?
471
00:19:44,385 --> 00:19:46,685
But I'm not going to live
forever, right?
472
00:19:46,715 --> 00:19:48,755
Because I'm only half-alien.
473
00:19:51,885 --> 00:19:54,085
So I'm gonna die.
474
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,025
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
475
00:19:56,055 --> 00:19:57,995
You?
476
00:19:58,025 --> 00:20:01,765
You-- you right
about yourself, ex--
477
00:20:01,795 --> 00:20:02,765
but--
478
00:20:02,795 --> 00:20:04,595
Ha ha ha!
479
00:20:04,635 --> 00:20:05,765
Here it is.
480
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:07,965
This one slipped my mind.
481
00:20:08,005 --> 00:20:11,335
You can build with me
482
00:20:11,375 --> 00:20:13,475
an immortality machine
483
00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:15,515
to give you what I got
484
00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:17,415
from the remnants
of my spacecraft.
485
00:20:17,445 --> 00:20:18,745
So, yeah.
486
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:21,285
- Wow.
- You gonna be immortal.
487
00:20:21,315 --> 00:20:22,885
You gonna be immortal.
488
00:20:22,915 --> 00:20:25,785
Daddy, when are we gonna get
the remnants?
489
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,555
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
490
00:20:28,955 --> 00:20:32,015
Gonna get them tomorrow
during work.
491
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,495
Hey, you got anything
that looks like
492
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,935
parts of a crashed spaceship?
493
00:20:37,965 --> 00:20:39,235
- Dead mom?
- Mm-hmm.
494
00:20:39,265 --> 00:20:42,365
Mm-hmm.
Right this way.
495
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,905
Jordan--
So, Jordan, hey,
496
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,605
you think we should say
good-bye?
497
00:20:48,645 --> 00:20:50,475
- What'd your mom say?
- Oh, jeez.
498
00:20:50,505 --> 00:20:52,575
Good night, everybody.
499
00:20:52,615 --> 00:20:56,315
- Good night.
- Whoo!
500
00:20:56,345 --> 00:20:59,315
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
501
00:20:59,565 --> 00:21:00,985
Oh, yeah.
34500
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