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1
00:00:00,938 --> 00:00:03,102
I want to know what's going on
with the huge woman,
2
00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:04,604
and I want to know
what the deal is
3
00:00:04,639 --> 00:00:05,939
- with the red witch lady.
- Yes.
4
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,140
Yes.
Yes.
5
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,442
I would too.
6
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:09,976
You know what I'm saying?
7
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,344
Straight out.
8
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:12,879
No, but I mean, like,
have you?
9
00:00:12,914 --> 00:00:15,352
Have you-- have you ever
slept with a black guy?
10
00:00:15,370 --> 00:00:17,917
No, but I really want to.
11
00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:19,585
Me too!
12
00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:21,854
Apparently, it is, like,
13
00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:24,958
a whole other thing
than sleeping with white men.
14
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,092
Oh, no, no.
15
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,260
I heard they're
supposed to be, like,
16
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:29,028
way better at it
or something.
17
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,831
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard that too.
18
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,333
I wonder if it's
'cause they have,
19
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,634
like-- like, better rhythm,
you know?
20
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,603
Right, 'cause
they're really good dancers.
21
00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:42,511
I mean, apparently,
they have, like, bigger--
22
00:00:42,582 --> 00:00:44,950
Oh, way bigger penises, right?
23
00:00:44,984 --> 00:00:46,084
Yeah.
24
00:00:46,119 --> 00:00:48,081
I guess that's
because of Africa?
25
00:00:48,129 --> 00:00:50,397
Yeah, like,
I feel like they're just--
26
00:00:50,432 --> 00:00:52,166
they're, like, really
with you in the moment.
27
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,267
Hmm.
28
00:00:53,301 --> 00:00:54,468
Like, if they're gonna
be with you,
29
00:00:54,502 --> 00:00:55,702
they're in the here and now.
30
00:00:55,736 --> 00:00:57,971
Exactly. Exactly.
31
00:00:58,005 --> 00:01:01,175
Because they know that
they basically have no future.
32
00:01:01,209 --> 00:01:02,376
I know.
33
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:03,544
- Think about it.
- It's so sad.
34
00:01:03,578 --> 00:01:06,246
Think about it!
35
00:01:06,281 --> 00:01:08,381
I do feel like they treat
their women with just, like,
36
00:01:08,415 --> 00:01:11,084
a little bit
more compassion, though.
37
00:01:11,118 --> 00:01:12,552
Yeah,
like, respect and stuff.
38
00:01:12,587 --> 00:01:16,322
Oh, because their dads
were never around!
39
00:01:16,356 --> 00:01:20,393
Oh, right, and they also have
a lot of time on their hands
40
00:01:20,427 --> 00:01:23,063
'cause even if they have kids,
they never go visit them.
41
00:01:23,097 --> 00:01:25,398
Oh, please. Totally.
Baby daddy?
42
00:01:25,432 --> 00:01:26,765
- That's a thing.
- Oh.
43
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,702
That's in the dictionary now
because of black people.
44
00:01:29,736 --> 00:01:32,472
See?
Ser-i-ou-sly.
45
00:01:32,506 --> 00:01:37,143
Apparently, black guys just know
how to please white women.
46
00:01:37,177 --> 00:01:39,245
Right? Just, like,
way more than white men.
47
00:01:39,279 --> 00:01:42,347
Oh, well, it's probably
in their blood
48
00:01:42,381 --> 00:01:44,116
'cause they're used
to pleasing their white masters.
49
00:01:44,150 --> 00:01:45,851
Whaaat?
50
00:01:45,885 --> 00:01:47,119
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah!
51
00:01:47,153 --> 00:01:48,286
- Law of the jungle, right?
- Totally.
52
00:01:48,321 --> 00:01:50,322
I am so desperate
to find out for myself.
53
00:01:50,356 --> 00:01:52,524
Me too.
54
00:01:52,558 --> 00:01:54,793
- Right?
55
00:01:54,828 --> 00:01:58,062
- Okay, um, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom...
56
00:01:58,097 --> 00:01:59,531
Okay.
57
00:01:59,565 --> 00:02:00,898
And I swear to you,
58
00:02:00,933 --> 00:02:03,135
if there is a black guy back there,
I'm gonna blow him.
59
00:02:03,169 --> 00:02:05,703
Get it!
60
00:02:10,843 --> 00:02:14,378
So, unrelated, I now
have to go to the bathroom,
61
00:02:14,412 --> 00:02:17,181
uh, because I've been
drinking coffee all day.
62
00:02:17,215 --> 00:02:20,284
So I will be back
in a little while.
63
00:02:20,318 --> 00:02:21,619
Well, you know what?
Let-- Let me go first.
64
00:02:21,654 --> 00:02:26,290
I'll be about 30 seconds.
65
00:02:29,327 --> 00:02:32,663
Ooh, ow.
I hit my penis there.
66
00:02:32,697 --> 00:02:34,465
I'm sorry.
I don't have any money, sir.
67
00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:36,667
Okay.
68
00:03:02,602 --> 00:03:04,102
Hey!
69
00:03:07,874 --> 00:03:10,208
Thank you so much.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
70
00:03:10,242 --> 00:03:12,010
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
71
00:03:12,044 --> 00:03:13,078
Yes.
72
00:03:13,112 --> 00:03:14,480
Thank you for coming out
tonight.
73
00:03:14,514 --> 00:03:15,747
Thank you.
74
00:03:15,782 --> 00:03:18,016
So this is
a little-known fact.
75
00:03:18,050 --> 00:03:20,573
Keegan's wife
is a dialect coach.
76
00:03:20,621 --> 00:03:22,122
Yes, it's a source
of ambivalence for me
77
00:03:22,157 --> 00:03:23,691
because I want her
to have her job
78
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:24,892
and I want her to thrive,
79
00:03:24,926 --> 00:03:26,126
but there's just a bunch
of British people
80
00:03:26,161 --> 00:03:27,427
just coming through my house,
81
00:03:27,461 --> 00:03:29,329
learning American accents
and taking all our jobs.
82
00:03:29,763 --> 00:03:31,398
So I'm just standing
in the living room,
83
00:03:31,432 --> 00:03:32,566
and these dudes are walking
about like, "Cheerio."
84
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,601
"Yeah, [bleep] you."
85
00:03:34,635 --> 00:03:36,803
- Tea bag.
- Right.
86
00:03:36,837 --> 00:03:38,270
But all right, I want to--
I'm gonna throw you
87
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,506
through a little bit
of a wheel of accents.
88
00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:41,874
- Just give you a little test.
- The wheel of accents.
89
00:03:41,909 --> 00:03:44,744
Italian!
90
00:03:44,778 --> 00:03:45,878
Oh, Italian.
91
00:03:45,913 --> 00:03:47,480
It's the-- is the one
for me to do.
92
00:03:47,514 --> 00:03:48,681
Yeah. German!
93
00:03:48,716 --> 00:03:52,418
The German is very exact.
94
00:03:52,452 --> 00:03:54,253
- Cockney.
- Cockney's, like, down here,
95
00:03:54,287 --> 00:03:55,621
and it's with the back
of your "froat."
96
00:03:55,655 --> 00:03:56,855
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
97
00:03:56,889 --> 00:03:58,824
You guys must have
some crazy role-play sex.
98
00:03:58,858 --> 00:04:01,427
We do. Yeah.
99
00:04:01,461 --> 00:04:02,928
Just give me an Australian.
100
00:04:02,962 --> 00:04:04,263
All right, I can do it.
101
00:04:04,297 --> 00:04:05,531
Yes, yes.
102
00:04:05,565 --> 00:04:07,133
I can go Jamaican as well.
103
00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:08,667
Oh, that's even better!
That's even better!
104
00:04:08,701 --> 00:04:10,802
I can be a Jamaican.
Okay.
105
00:04:12,038 --> 00:04:13,538
Where do you want me from?
Oh, there it is.
106
00:04:13,572 --> 00:04:15,007
Where do you want me
to be from?
107
00:04:15,041 --> 00:04:16,875
- Oh, anywhere but you.
- Okay.
108
00:04:16,909 --> 00:04:19,645
Just anywhere--
109
00:04:19,679 --> 00:04:22,247
Can-- Can you do two black guys
at a time?
110
00:04:22,281 --> 00:04:23,649
Can you just give me two?
111
00:04:27,119 --> 00:04:29,354
You sold me out, son.
112
00:04:29,388 --> 00:04:32,257
Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
113
00:04:32,291 --> 00:04:35,560
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
114
00:04:35,594 --> 00:04:39,030
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
115
00:04:39,064 --> 00:04:41,499
Mother[bleep].
116
00:04:41,534 --> 00:04:44,234
Cut.
117
00:04:45,403 --> 00:04:46,671
All right, everybody,
let's get reset.
118
00:04:46,705 --> 00:04:48,873
We're going again.
119
00:04:48,907 --> 00:04:50,107
Nigel, that's great.
120
00:04:50,142 --> 00:04:51,608
Oh, grea-- smashing.
121
00:04:51,643 --> 00:04:53,010
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
122
00:04:53,045 --> 00:04:55,746
Top-- Well, it's been
an absolute honor and--
123
00:04:55,781 --> 00:04:57,782
and what a great opportunity
to be here
124
00:04:57,816 --> 00:04:59,849
and be able
to play an American tough.
125
00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:01,117
Well, I'm just so glad
126
00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:02,519
that we got you
out of that BBC commitment
127
00:05:02,554 --> 00:05:03,554
so you could play with us, so.
128
00:05:03,588 --> 00:05:05,489
Cheers, mate.
Cheers, cheers.
129
00:05:05,523 --> 00:05:06,756
Antoine, listen.
130
00:05:06,791 --> 00:05:08,024
I'm just not buying
that you're someone
131
00:05:08,059 --> 00:05:11,495
that was born and raised
on the streets of Brooklyn.
132
00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:14,831
That's weird, 'cause, uh,
I actually was born and raised
133
00:05:14,865 --> 00:05:16,199
on the streets of Brooklyn.
134
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,466
Oh.
135
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:18,968
Oh.
136
00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:20,469
I was in a gang
and everything.
137
00:05:20,504 --> 00:05:23,106
Most of this stuff
actually happened to me.
138
00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:25,208
Wow. Okay.
Well, that's-- that's--
139
00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:27,643
that's great for us,
'cause I want you to use it.
140
00:05:27,678 --> 00:05:28,845
Okay?
141
00:05:28,879 --> 00:05:30,213
It's a good first take.
Let's just, uh--
142
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,547
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get going it.
143
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:32,715
Let's get--
Let's get going.
144
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,350
Thank you, Jim.
145
00:05:34,384 --> 00:05:39,088
Scene five, take two.
146
00:05:39,122 --> 00:05:42,891
- And action.
- You sold me out, son.
147
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,794
Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
148
00:05:45,829 --> 00:05:50,665
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
149
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:54,203
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
150
00:05:54,237 --> 00:05:56,471
Mother[bleep].
151
00:05:59,308 --> 00:06:00,976
Cut. Cut.
152
00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:02,878
Okay.
153
00:06:02,912 --> 00:06:04,279
Uh, Nigel.
That was great.
154
00:06:04,313 --> 00:06:05,580
- Oh.
- Brilliant.
155
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,550
Just, the way you move,
especially when you talk.
156
00:06:08,584 --> 00:06:10,719
I just really see this character
coming to life before my eyes.
157
00:06:10,753 --> 00:06:11,986
- Cheers, mate.
- It's fabulous.
158
00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:13,555
- Cheers.
- It's fabulous.
159
00:06:13,589 --> 00:06:15,690
Antoine,
your performance, um,
160
00:06:15,725 --> 00:06:18,727
It's just not quite
there yet, okay?
161
00:06:18,761 --> 00:06:20,962
I-I really need to see you
162
00:06:20,996 --> 00:06:23,631
make more
of a transformation, okay?
163
00:06:23,665 --> 00:06:26,834
Like-- like Nigel, here.
164
00:06:26,869 --> 00:06:29,436
- That dude's British, so.
- Yeah.
165
00:06:29,471 --> 00:06:31,773
Antoine, if I might jump in
with a bit of advice?
166
00:06:31,807 --> 00:06:33,741
- I don't think I need that.
- No, no, no.
167
00:06:33,776 --> 00:06:34,976
Look.
Hear him out.
168
00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:37,544
Maybe you might want to try
169
00:06:37,579 --> 00:06:39,246
thinking of something
in the material
170
00:06:39,281 --> 00:06:40,514
that's similar to something
171
00:06:40,548 --> 00:06:41,815
that's happened
in your real life.
172
00:06:41,849 --> 00:06:44,418
- Hmm.
- For me, for instance,
173
00:06:44,452 --> 00:06:46,687
I like to think
of when me mum wanted me
174
00:06:46,721 --> 00:06:49,423
to attend prep school in Leeds
to become a barrister,
175
00:06:49,457 --> 00:06:51,425
but I wanted to study
the theater at Oxford.
176
00:06:51,459 --> 00:06:52,826
Thank God.
177
00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:54,360
And so that was a conundrum,
really, for me.
178
00:06:55,696 --> 00:06:57,197
I'm gonna stop you
right-- right there,
179
00:06:57,231 --> 00:07:00,500
'cause this is
just confusing me, right?
180
00:07:00,534 --> 00:07:03,536
Like, I don't need that,
'cause I am from the streets.
181
00:07:03,570 --> 00:07:06,306
I was in a gang.
182
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:09,742
They told me
to kill my cousin.
183
00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:14,146
That might be
a bit spot-on, no?
184
00:07:14,181 --> 00:07:15,782
Yeah.
That's a bit spot-on.
185
00:07:15,816 --> 00:07:19,619
Do you have any stories
that involve your mum?
186
00:07:19,653 --> 00:07:21,287
What's a mum?
187
00:07:21,322 --> 00:07:22,988
Oh, dear.
188
00:07:23,023 --> 00:07:24,791
Scene five, take three.
189
00:07:24,825 --> 00:07:26,659
Okay.
190
00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:29,295
Antoine, remember.
You're a gangster!
191
00:07:29,329 --> 00:07:33,232
Okay?
Betrayal, the streets.
192
00:07:33,266 --> 00:07:35,100
Okay?
Nigel, you're perfect.
193
00:07:35,135 --> 00:07:38,003
Antoine, transform,
and action!
194
00:07:38,038 --> 00:07:40,739
You sold me out, son.
195
00:07:40,773 --> 00:07:44,676
Now you gonna get a bullet
up in your head for it.
196
00:07:44,711 --> 00:07:48,647
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
197
00:07:48,681 --> 00:07:52,083
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
198
00:07:52,117 --> 00:07:53,485
Mother[bleep].
199
00:07:53,519 --> 00:07:55,821
He's boring to watch.
200
00:07:55,855 --> 00:07:57,589
Cut.
201
00:07:58,991 --> 00:08:01,726
Oh, that does not
sound good.
202
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:02,994
Thank you.
203
00:08:03,028 --> 00:08:06,998
Antoine, I do not feel
like you have found
204
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:09,400
the emotional core
of this character.
205
00:08:09,434 --> 00:08:11,035
Man, [bleep] this!
206
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:13,704
Nobody is more real than me.
Okay?
207
00:08:13,739 --> 00:08:16,474
I come from the streets,
and nobody's gonna tell me
208
00:08:16,508 --> 00:08:18,175
what the streets is like--
nobody!
209
00:08:18,209 --> 00:08:21,311
You understand?
210
00:08:21,346 --> 00:08:23,681
That's a great speech.
I just wish that I believed it.
211
00:08:23,715 --> 00:08:25,816
- You want to give it a shot?
- Sure. I'll have a go.
212
00:08:25,851 --> 00:08:27,618
Man, [bleep] this.
213
00:08:27,652 --> 00:08:29,387
- I'm as real as it gets.
- Yes.
214
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:31,121
This [bleep] streets
is for real.
215
00:08:31,155 --> 00:08:32,456
I'm up in there, man.
216
00:08:32,491 --> 00:08:34,358
- You are.
- I'm [bleep] from the--
217
00:08:34,392 --> 00:08:37,261
from the [bleep]-- from the earth
from these streets.
218
00:08:37,295 --> 00:08:38,929
- from the eart--
- S-Something to that effect.
219
00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:40,397
That is--
No, but I am so with--
220
00:08:40,431 --> 00:08:41,899
I am with you
when you say that,
221
00:08:41,933 --> 00:08:44,001
even when you're
saying the wrong words.
222
00:08:44,035 --> 00:08:46,770
I just wish
you could do that!
223
00:08:46,804 --> 00:08:48,138
You know what?
224
00:08:48,172 --> 00:08:50,740
Goodness.
225
00:08:52,743 --> 00:08:55,845
Okay, that hurts,
but I don't feel that it comes
226
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,782
from the right emotional place
for the character.
227
00:08:58,816 --> 00:09:00,082
All right?
Here. Give it a shot.
228
00:09:00,117 --> 00:09:02,351
Give me-- Watch.
Watch.
229
00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,988
That's-- That's great.
230
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,024
- I feel that in here...
- Thank you.
231
00:09:08,058 --> 00:09:09,358
- And in here, in my heart.
232
00:09:09,393 --> 00:09:10,592
That's very gracious of you
to say that.
233
00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:11,727
Try that again.
234
00:09:13,130 --> 00:09:15,097
I just-- I don't--
235
00:09:15,132 --> 00:09:16,999
I don't believe you.
236
00:09:21,993 --> 00:09:24,102
You guys are familiar
with vanity videos, right?
237
00:09:24,136 --> 00:09:26,337
People who, like,
spend all of their money--
238
00:09:26,371 --> 00:09:28,405
all of their money--
to make a video
239
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,574
in the hopes that someone--
I don't know who--
240
00:09:30,609 --> 00:09:32,876
is gonna discover them
on the Internet and go,
241
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:34,811
- "This guy's got the goods!"
- Yeah!
242
00:09:34,846 --> 00:09:36,614
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
"I'm gonna make you famous!"
243
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,115
"You got raw talent,"
and it's always--
244
00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:40,317
it's always some kind
of, like--
245
00:09:40,352 --> 00:09:42,353
some convoluted plot
that's like...
246
00:09:42,387 --> 00:09:44,121
- Yeah.
- Part one of a ten-part series.
247
00:09:44,156 --> 00:09:45,556
It's never gonna get finished.
248
00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:47,858
And it's always, like--
249
00:09:47,892 --> 00:09:50,093
It always looks something
like Game of Thrones.
250
00:09:50,128 --> 00:09:51,161
- Yes.
- Always.
251
00:09:51,195 --> 00:09:52,462
It's got, like...
252
00:09:52,496 --> 00:09:53,997
- It's just always...
- Wizards with orbs.
253
00:09:54,032 --> 00:09:55,132
Wizards in it and orbs.
254
00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:56,432
These homemade videos.
255
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,969
It's always like this
fantasy, glam, like...
256
00:09:59,003 --> 00:10:00,370
It's just--
like, they're weird.
257
00:10:00,404 --> 00:10:02,572
- Steampunk [bleep].
- Yeah.
258
00:10:02,606 --> 00:10:04,574
Do we have any--
any steampunks here today?
259
00:10:04,608 --> 00:10:06,509
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
260
00:10:06,544 --> 00:10:09,679
You don't have your, uh,
umbrella with you today, sir.
261
00:10:11,248 --> 00:10:12,782
There's not a lot
of black steampunks out there.
262
00:10:12,816 --> 00:10:14,184
- No.
- Not a lot of--
263
00:10:14,218 --> 00:10:15,885
Ah, dudes talking about,
"Hey, man."
264
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,220
Yeah.
265
00:10:17,254 --> 00:10:18,721
"I'm just representing
Jules Verne
266
00:10:18,755 --> 00:10:21,490
"in the mother[bleep]."
267
00:10:28,565 --> 00:10:31,366
♪ There's a light
268
00:10:31,401 --> 00:10:33,235
♪ And it shines
within the darkness ♪
269
00:10:33,269 --> 00:10:36,771
♪ Of the sands of time,
The sands of time ♪
270
00:10:36,806 --> 00:10:39,440
♪ There's a fight
271
00:10:39,475 --> 00:10:42,844
♪ But the battle to be won
is with the man inside ♪
272
00:10:42,878 --> 00:10:45,013
♪ The man inside
273
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:48,883
♪ No valley, no ocean
274
00:10:48,918 --> 00:10:52,753
♪ Can stop my devotion
275
00:10:54,456 --> 00:10:58,392
♪ Nothing will keep me
from getting to you ♪
276
00:10:58,427 --> 00:11:01,829
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
277
00:11:01,863 --> 00:11:03,164
♪ Never wondering
278
00:11:03,198 --> 00:11:06,400
♪ How I touch the sky,
Touch the sky ♪
279
00:11:06,435 --> 00:11:09,169
♪ Like a dream
280
00:11:09,203 --> 00:11:10,838
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
281
00:11:10,872 --> 00:11:13,273
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
282
00:11:13,307 --> 00:11:15,743
♪ In the rhythm, I believe
283
00:11:15,777 --> 00:11:20,347
♪ Is the power of wings
284
00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:22,650
♪ There's a fire
285
00:11:24,152 --> 00:11:26,553
♪ And it burns the deepest
fathoms of the Seven Seas ♪
286
00:11:26,587 --> 00:11:28,488
♪ The Seven Seas
287
00:11:28,523 --> 00:11:31,057
♪ True desire
288
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,725
♪ Let the music in your heart
289
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,262
♪ Give way to the things
that you believe ♪
290
00:11:35,296 --> 00:11:36,530
♪ Anything you can achieve
291
00:11:36,564 --> 00:11:39,766
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
292
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,967
♪ Never wondering
293
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:44,537
♪ How I kiss the clouds
294
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,838
♪ Like a dream
295
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,941
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
296
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,377
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
297
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,646
♪ In the rhythm,
I believe ♪
298
00:11:53,681 --> 00:11:59,652
♪ Is the power of wings
299
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:03,055
♪ Anything is achievable
300
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:06,392
♪ Don't let nobody
tear you down ♪
301
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,660
♪ Sexually
302
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:10,563
♪ Just take flight,
it's believable ♪
303
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:16,467
♪ If you first learn
to stand your ground ♪
304
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:19,805
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
305
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:20,872
♪ Never wondering
306
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:24,475
♪ How I touch the sky
307
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:27,412
♪ Like a dream
308
00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:29,047
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
309
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:34,118
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
310
00:12:34,152 --> 00:12:37,788
♪ Within the rhythms,
I believe ♪
311
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:39,990
♪ Is the power
312
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:41,693
♪ of wings
313
00:12:48,141 --> 00:12:50,009
Don't stop pulling.
Never stop.
314
00:12:50,043 --> 00:12:51,277
Keep on pulling.
315
00:12:51,311 --> 00:12:52,611
Don't stop walking.
316
00:12:52,645 --> 00:12:55,447
Keep on walking.
Don't stop walking.
317
00:12:55,481 --> 00:12:57,582
Oh, my God.
Jahar, my friend.
318
00:12:57,617 --> 00:12:58,711
Yes, Rajim?
319
00:12:58,743 --> 00:13:02,739
We are a long way
from h-h-h-home.
320
00:13:05,790 --> 00:13:07,925
Every American woman
is more infidel
321
00:13:07,959 --> 00:13:09,627
- than the last, my friend.
- You're telling me.
322
00:13:09,661 --> 00:13:11,062
You're telling me,
my good friend, yes.
323
00:13:11,096 --> 00:13:13,131
Oh, there's a 9:00.
9:00. Here she comes.
324
00:13:14,933 --> 00:13:17,635
- Mm-blip.
- Shabloim!
325
00:13:17,669 --> 00:13:18,802
Okay.
326
00:13:18,837 --> 00:13:20,604
Come on.
Full-frontal face.
327
00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,607
- Only in America, baby.
- Only, only, only.
328
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,308
- Only in America, huh?
- Come on, grab it.
329
00:13:25,343 --> 00:13:26,510
- What did you see?
- I want to grab--
330
00:13:26,545 --> 00:13:28,012
- What?
- I'm grabbing it.
331
00:13:28,046 --> 00:13:30,848
This is yours,
and then that is yours.
332
00:13:30,882 --> 00:13:32,416
What did you see?
What did you see?
333
00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:33,784
- I'll tell you what I saw.
- What?
334
00:13:33,818 --> 00:13:35,152
- I got to see her forearms.
- You got?
335
00:13:35,186 --> 00:13:36,921
- A little bit of the thigh.
- Yes. Oh, I saw this.
336
00:13:36,955 --> 00:13:38,621
And I definitely
got some ankle knot.
337
00:13:38,656 --> 00:13:40,390
- You got ankle knot?
- Oh, I got ankle knot.
338
00:13:40,425 --> 00:13:43,860
Oh, the w-w-whole
baba ghanoush, huh?
339
00:13:43,894 --> 00:13:45,195
You're telling me.
340
00:13:45,229 --> 00:13:46,863
It's like we've got
the X-ray visions.
341
00:13:46,897 --> 00:13:48,731
We are Superman.
We are Superman, huh?
342
00:13:48,766 --> 00:13:49,966
Oh!
Shh. Here we go.
343
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,734
Here we go.
Here we go.
344
00:13:51,769 --> 00:13:53,336
Here we go, yeah.
345
00:13:55,439 --> 00:13:58,140
H-h-h-holy tabbouleh.
346
00:13:58,175 --> 00:13:59,976
Would you look
at the leg elbows on that one?
347
00:14:00,010 --> 00:14:02,011
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo!
348
00:14:02,045 --> 00:14:03,879
I'll tell you what.
Ho, ho, ho!
349
00:14:03,913 --> 00:14:05,247
Ho, ho, ho!
350
00:14:05,282 --> 00:14:09,585
What I wouldn't do
for six seconds with her.
351
00:14:09,619 --> 00:14:11,587
Yes, you would!
Yes, you would!
352
00:14:11,621 --> 00:14:12,855
What would you do?
353
00:14:12,889 --> 00:14:14,055
I'm going to show you
right now.
354
00:14:14,090 --> 00:14:15,090
You're gonna show me?
355
00:14:15,124 --> 00:14:16,658
Spot me!
You got to spot me.
356
00:14:16,693 --> 00:14:17,893
Yes, I am here.
I am here.
357
00:14:17,927 --> 00:14:19,094
Let me tell you
what I would do right now.
358
00:14:19,128 --> 00:14:21,463
I would pump her full of iron,
you know,
359
00:14:21,498 --> 00:14:23,164
and then I would lift her
to the ceiling.
360
00:14:23,199 --> 00:14:24,800
- I'm her.
- Lift her to the ceiling.
361
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:25,934
- I'm her.
- Working the body.
362
00:14:25,969 --> 00:14:27,202
Working the body.
Working the body.
363
00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:28,503
- Working the body.
- Do it the head.
364
00:14:28,537 --> 00:14:30,205
- Give it to the head.
- Get the head, get the head.
365
00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:31,572
- And you give it to the head.
- Ho! Ho! Belly button.
366
00:14:31,607 --> 00:14:33,941
- Belly button.
- We got belly button.
367
00:14:33,976 --> 00:14:36,044
- Dude, we got belly button.
- Oh, my-- Oh, my God.
368
00:14:44,419 --> 00:14:46,053
That's belly button,
my friend.
369
00:14:46,087 --> 00:14:47,588
I couldn't believe
we saw the belly button.
370
00:14:47,623 --> 00:14:49,089
I've never seen the belly button
on a woman before.
371
00:14:49,124 --> 00:14:50,892
I thought it was a myth.
372
00:14:50,926 --> 00:14:53,160
Yes, it's like the butthole
of the belly.
373
00:14:53,194 --> 00:14:54,161
- Mm.
- Mm.
374
00:14:54,195 --> 00:14:56,096
Dig this.
375
00:14:56,131 --> 00:14:58,432
Oh, what I wouldn't do for a--
give me the--
376
00:14:58,466 --> 00:14:59,734
- Show me.
- Give me the ball.
377
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,068
- Show me, show me.
- Give me the ball.
378
00:15:01,102 --> 00:15:02,102
- Show me, show me.
- I'm gonna show you right now.
379
00:15:02,137 --> 00:15:03,570
I'm gonna show it to you
right now.
380
00:15:03,604 --> 00:15:05,705
- What you do? I'm ready.
- I get in here.
381
00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:06,806
- I'm ready.
- And then like this and go--
382
00:15:06,841 --> 00:15:08,008
Ho!
Come on, it feel good.
383
00:15:08,043 --> 00:15:09,176
I get over here
and then I get in there.
384
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:10,310
- Oh, yeah!
- Grab the hair.
385
00:15:10,345 --> 00:15:11,578
I get into it.
I get into it!
386
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,080
- Hold the hair.
- Hold the hair.
387
00:15:13,114 --> 00:15:14,981
Come on, switch.
Switch positions.
388
00:15:15,016 --> 00:15:16,350
- Let's do it.
- I'm gonna grab your hands.
389
00:15:16,384 --> 00:15:18,585
- Lock 'em on.
- ♪ I will show you the world
390
00:15:18,619 --> 00:15:20,153
♪ Shining, shimmering,
splendid ♪
391
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,688
♪ Don't you dare
close your eyes ♪
392
00:15:21,722 --> 00:15:23,189
Yes, princess, yes.
393
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:26,359
Ah. Ooh.
Infidels.
394
00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:29,128
Homosexual American devils.
395
00:15:29,163 --> 00:15:30,797
Give them the whistle
of disapproval.
396
00:15:30,831 --> 00:15:32,432
I will right now.
397
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,535
- That is my boy.
- That should teach them.
398
00:15:35,569 --> 00:15:37,103
That is my boy, huh?
399
00:15:40,699 --> 00:15:42,099
Pawn shops
are an interesting place.
400
00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:43,967
Anybody who's ever--
here's ever been to a pawn shop?
401
00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:51,280
That is a motley crew
of-- of items.
402
00:15:51,314 --> 00:15:52,648
Yes.
403
00:15:52,682 --> 00:15:54,449
I mean, what do I want
when I walk into a pawn shop?
404
00:15:54,484 --> 00:15:57,653
I'll take that dartboard,
that spittoon,
405
00:15:58,622 --> 00:16:00,522
and that African mask,
if you know...
406
00:16:02,392 --> 00:16:03,992
The, like, saddest ones
are also in, like, Vegas
407
00:16:04,026 --> 00:16:05,760
'cause you know that's where,
like, people are like,
408
00:16:05,795 --> 00:16:08,129
"Hey, man, I'm gonna be
right back for this.
409
00:16:08,164 --> 00:16:09,597
- Real-- I swear to God."
- "Okay, yeah."
410
00:16:09,631 --> 00:16:10,999
"I'll be right back. How much
can you give me for it?"
411
00:16:11,033 --> 00:16:12,333
- "$5 for this saxophone."
- "All right.
412
00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:13,868
"I'll be back.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--
413
00:16:13,903 --> 00:16:16,071
"I'm gonna triple my money
real quick, let's do it."
414
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,338
"Just go over there
and they'll give you $5."
415
00:16:17,372 --> 00:16:18,539
"All right."
416
00:16:18,574 --> 00:16:19,741
That's, like,
the number for everything
417
00:16:19,775 --> 00:16:22,077
is, like-- "This is
an actual samurai sword.
418
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:23,511
- "You know."
- $5.
419
00:16:23,545 --> 00:16:25,213
"$5."
420
00:16:25,247 --> 00:16:28,048
"And this is
an unexploded atomic bomb."
421
00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:29,317
- Yeah.
- "$5."
422
00:16:30,485 --> 00:16:32,152
"This is a briefcase
with $1,000 in it."
423
00:16:32,187 --> 00:16:33,487
"$5."
424
00:16:33,522 --> 00:16:36,524
"$5?
How is that possible?"
425
00:16:52,974 --> 00:16:54,875
Hey, man.
How you doing?
426
00:16:54,909 --> 00:16:56,343
You guys got bow and arrows?
427
00:16:56,377 --> 00:16:59,779
Yeah.
428
00:16:59,813 --> 00:17:01,080
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's it.
429
00:17:01,115 --> 00:17:02,382
Yeah, there it is.
There.
430
00:17:02,416 --> 00:17:03,550
That'll do it.
That's gonna do it.
431
00:17:03,584 --> 00:17:04,784
Yup.
Where are the arrows at?
432
00:17:06,654 --> 00:17:08,288
Yeah.
You got-- you guys got M80s?
433
00:17:08,322 --> 00:17:10,123
We don't carry fireworks.
434
00:17:10,157 --> 00:17:11,424
Damn!
You have, uh--
435
00:17:11,459 --> 00:17:12,992
You have something else
that's explosive
436
00:17:13,026 --> 00:17:15,094
that I could tape
to the end of an arrow?
437
00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:18,631
- We have shotgun shells, but...
- Uh-huh. Ooh.
438
00:17:18,665 --> 00:17:19,966
I feel I have to ask,
439
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,500
are you planning
to attach those to arrows
440
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:23,035
and use them as a weapon?
441
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:24,137
What?
No. What?
442
00:17:24,171 --> 00:17:25,371
Are you crazy?
443
00:17:25,405 --> 00:17:26,538
You think
that would work though?
444
00:17:26,573 --> 00:17:28,707
What-- What-- What if I shot
explosive arrows
445
00:17:28,742 --> 00:17:30,576
through a window
to break 'em open?
446
00:17:30,610 --> 00:17:32,578
Sir, I feel like
I have to ask you
447
00:17:32,612 --> 00:17:34,813
what you're planning
to use these for.
448
00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,081
Oh, no, I'm not planning
to do anything.
449
00:17:36,115 --> 00:17:37,583
I'm just-- this is
just Christmas shopping.
450
00:17:37,617 --> 00:17:38,684
I'm getting a--
You got zip lines?
451
00:17:38,718 --> 00:17:39,985
Nope.
452
00:17:40,019 --> 00:17:41,153
But you got, like,
hooks and anchors and cables?
453
00:17:41,187 --> 00:17:42,454
We got
some of those things,
454
00:17:42,489 --> 00:17:46,057
but I do not recommend
manufacturing your own zip line.
455
00:17:46,092 --> 00:17:48,160
Oh, I'm not doing that.
No.
456
00:17:48,194 --> 00:17:49,560
Let's say somebody
was manufacturing
457
00:17:49,595 --> 00:17:51,096
- their own zip line.
- Mm-hmm.
458
00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:52,297
You think if they
had busted some windows open
459
00:17:52,331 --> 00:17:53,531
on a building somehow,
460
00:17:53,565 --> 00:17:56,034
Then fired the zip line
off a bow and arrow,
461
00:17:56,068 --> 00:17:57,969
and it attached
to the wall of said building,
462
00:17:58,004 --> 00:18:00,238
that they could just ride
the zip line into the building?
463
00:18:00,273 --> 00:18:02,007
I have no idea.
464
00:18:02,041 --> 00:18:04,242
Sir, whatever you
are planning on doing,
465
00:18:04,277 --> 00:18:05,743
please don't do it.
466
00:18:05,778 --> 00:18:07,178
I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not doing anything.
467
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,546
I'm just doing
some Christmas shopping,
468
00:18:08,580 --> 00:18:09,681
trying to get it
out of the way.
469
00:18:09,715 --> 00:18:11,015
You know, bow and arrows
for my nephew.
470
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:13,651
The zip line's for my...
grandmother.
471
00:18:13,686 --> 00:18:15,353
Et cetera and whatnot.
You know what I'm saying there?
472
00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:16,821
It's nothing.
No big deal.
473
00:18:16,855 --> 00:18:18,289
Speaking of other things,
do you guys have
474
00:18:18,324 --> 00:18:22,526
just the, uh, top half
of a knight in armor?
475
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,895
First of all,
it's called a suit of armor.
476
00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:26,496
Oh, yup, that's it.
That's right.
477
00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:28,299
- That's what I meant to say.
- We have one but it's sold...
478
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,900
- Oh!
- As a complete set.
479
00:18:29,935 --> 00:18:31,068
- Yup. Yup.
- Yup.
480
00:18:31,102 --> 00:18:32,303
Yeah,
but the person it's for,
481
00:18:32,337 --> 00:18:33,403
they only need the--
they don't need the--
482
00:18:33,438 --> 00:18:34,604
they just need the top half.
483
00:18:34,639 --> 00:18:35,873
- they don't need the legs.
- Mm-hmm.
484
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,507
Well, what if somebody
was shooting at you and--
485
00:18:37,542 --> 00:18:39,142
what are the chances you think
they'd try to shoot your legs?
486
00:18:39,176 --> 00:18:41,277
I feel
like I have to tell you
487
00:18:41,312 --> 00:18:44,481
that a suit of armor
will not deflect bullets.
488
00:18:44,515 --> 00:18:48,151
I'll take my chances--
with Christmas.
489
00:18:48,185 --> 00:18:50,554
Which brings me, uh,
to my next question.
490
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,723
Do you guys
have roller skates?
491
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:55,158
- I think we have a pair around.
- Uh-huh.
492
00:18:55,192 --> 00:18:56,625
Let me ask you a question.
493
00:18:56,660 --> 00:18:57,927
How fast do you think you'd have
to be going on roller skates
494
00:18:57,962 --> 00:18:59,428
to get past a couple
of armed guards
495
00:18:59,463 --> 00:19:01,831
and still be going fast enough
to smash through a safe door?
496
00:19:01,866 --> 00:19:04,000
- One of those big bank safes?
- No!
497
00:19:04,034 --> 00:19:05,668
I don-- I don't know.
Yeah.
498
00:19:05,702 --> 00:19:08,504
Yeah? Uh...
499
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,240
Hey, you guys got one of those,
you know, just one
500
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,675
of those big bags with
a dollar sign on the side of it?
501
00:19:12,709 --> 00:19:13,843
Okay.
502
00:19:13,877 --> 00:19:15,878
Yeah?
503
00:19:15,912 --> 00:19:18,180
You're gonna shoot arrows with
shotgun shells attached to 'em
504
00:19:18,214 --> 00:19:20,048
to a bank window
to blow out the glass.
505
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:22,385
then you're gonna shoot
a zip line through that window
506
00:19:22,419 --> 00:19:24,487
and you're gonna slide on
into the hallway.
507
00:19:24,521 --> 00:19:26,255
You're gonna be
wearing roller skates
508
00:19:26,289 --> 00:19:28,357
so you can just skate on past
the armed guards,
509
00:19:28,391 --> 00:19:30,625
who will be shooting at you,
and you're gonna hope
510
00:19:30,659 --> 00:19:32,094
that they both
won't hit your legs,
511
00:19:32,128 --> 00:19:34,196
and, if they are aiming
at your torso,
512
00:19:34,230 --> 00:19:36,431
the suit of medieval armor
will deflect the bullets.
513
00:19:36,465 --> 00:19:38,700
then you're gonna hope
to gather enough speed
514
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,402
to burst through
the big bank vault
515
00:19:40,436 --> 00:19:41,703
at the end of the hallway
516
00:19:41,737 --> 00:19:43,038
where you're gonna
collect the money
517
00:19:43,072 --> 00:19:47,709
in a cartoon money bag.
518
00:19:47,743 --> 00:19:49,310
Well, no.
519
00:19:49,344 --> 00:19:50,779
I'm just an uncle who's buying
some [bleep] for Christmas
520
00:19:50,813 --> 00:19:52,380
And I, uh, think I'll
take my business elsewhere.
521
00:19:52,415 --> 00:19:53,815
Merry Christmas.
522
00:19:53,849 --> 00:19:55,517
It's April.
523
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,903
Welcome to Metta World News.
524
00:20:05,945 --> 00:20:09,815
Our top story, a professional
athlete should never post online
525
00:20:09,849 --> 00:20:12,251
looking for people
to live-action role play
526
00:20:12,285 --> 00:20:13,585
Hunger Games with them.
527
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:18,423
I'm sorry,
Jerod, Cailey, and Zach.
528
00:20:18,457 --> 00:20:20,592
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
529
00:20:20,627 --> 00:20:22,928
For this Wednesday, August
Microwave Wood Chipper.
530
00:20:22,962 --> 00:20:24,897
I'm Metta World Peace.
531
00:20:24,931 --> 00:20:26,665
Good night.
532
00:20:28,134 --> 00:20:29,668
Look at this one here.
Huh?
533
00:20:29,702 --> 00:20:33,405
- Look at this one here, huh?
- Beautiful lady.
534
00:20:33,439 --> 00:20:35,573
What I wouldn't do to her.
535
00:20:35,607 --> 00:20:37,842
You can see full chin cleavage
on this one, huh?
536
00:20:37,876 --> 00:20:39,310
Yeah, yeah.
537
00:20:39,345 --> 00:20:40,545
Good night, everybody.
538
00:20:40,579 --> 00:20:42,080
- Have a good one.
- Good night.
539
00:20:56,828 --> 00:20:59,797
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
540
00:20:59,831 --> 00:21:01,832
Oh, yeah.
39346
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