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1
00:00:00,922 --> 00:00:02,152
But I don't care.
2
00:00:02,359 --> 00:00:03,562
No, but I don't care.
3
00:00:03,596 --> 00:00:05,100
And I'm trying to help
people out over here.
4
00:00:05,134 --> 00:00:07,007
No, okay, you know what,
Jaqueline?
5
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,244
No, I don't know. What?
6
00:00:08,279 --> 00:00:10,247
You need to think about
yourself sometimes,
7
00:00:10,282 --> 00:00:11,582
before you start
insinuating yourself
8
00:00:11,617 --> 00:00:12,817
in other people's business.
9
00:00:12,851 --> 00:00:14,689
Well, you know what,
Deenyce?
10
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,126
I'm gonna insinuate myself
11
00:00:16,161 --> 00:00:17,329
whenever and wherever
I please,
12
00:00:17,363 --> 00:00:19,064
'cause it's
a free country, bitch.
13
00:00:19,099 --> 00:00:20,866
Ooh.
14
00:00:20,901 --> 00:00:21,867
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
15
00:00:21,902 --> 00:00:23,101
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
16
00:00:23,136 --> 00:00:24,471
Uh-uh. Okay.
You know what?
17
00:00:24,505 --> 00:00:25,773
Oh, we doin' this?
18
00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:27,475
Yeah, we doing this.
Okay, so we gonna--here, baby.
19
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:29,312
Yeah, we are about
to fight now.
20
00:00:29,346 --> 00:00:31,381
Bring it on then, bitch.
Let's go.
21
00:00:31,415 --> 00:00:33,116
I ain't even playin'.
22
00:00:33,150 --> 00:00:34,384
'cause you know what?
23
00:00:34,418 --> 00:00:35,853
- Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would...
24
00:00:35,887 --> 00:00:37,055
- Step to me.
- Step up...
25
00:00:37,089 --> 00:00:38,156
No, I would love for you
to step to me,
26
00:00:38,190 --> 00:00:39,526
- I really would.
- To me right now, bitch.
27
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:40,896
But you're just talkin',
that's the problem.
28
00:00:40,930 --> 00:00:42,533
I don't even care no more.
29
00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:44,303
And you're talking though,
and that's all you're doing.
30
00:00:44,337 --> 00:00:46,873
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah?
31
00:00:46,907 --> 00:00:48,041
- Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.
32
00:00:48,075 --> 00:00:49,042
- No, see what happens.
- Your wish is granted.
33
00:00:49,077 --> 00:00:50,044
See what happens.
34
00:00:50,078 --> 00:00:51,179
I would like
to see what happens.
35
00:00:51,214 --> 00:00:54,685
I would love to see
what happens.
36
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,021
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
37
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,757
So why don't you come
and bring it then, bitch?
38
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,360
Ooh.
39
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,594
See, no.
40
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:04,064
You are riding
my last nerve.
41
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,700
And I ain't even playin'
no more.
42
00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:08,904
I am not even playin'
no more.
43
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:09,906
Oh, it's on?
44
00:01:09,941 --> 00:01:11,075
Then let's do something,
okay?
45
00:01:11,109 --> 00:01:12,177
You wanna go?
46
00:01:12,211 --> 00:01:14,447
Ooh.
47
00:01:14,482 --> 00:01:15,682
Uh-uh.
48
00:01:15,716 --> 00:01:17,350
Huh?
There we go.
49
00:01:17,385 --> 00:01:18,819
Let's do something.
50
00:01:18,853 --> 00:01:20,054
Uh-uh.
51
00:01:20,088 --> 00:01:23,124
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
52
00:01:23,158 --> 00:01:24,826
It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.
53
00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:26,094
Uh-uh.
54
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,297
Let's do something, bitch.
55
00:01:28,331 --> 00:01:30,499
What?
56
00:01:40,128 --> 00:01:42,424
Ooh.
57
00:01:43,179 --> 00:01:46,215
We told you
not to mess with us, bitch!
58
00:01:49,988 --> 00:01:51,522
Y'all just saw that bitch
59
00:01:51,557 --> 00:01:53,724
turn into two little girls,
right?
60
00:02:15,984 --> 00:02:19,453
Whoo! Whoo!
61
00:02:19,488 --> 00:02:22,757
Yeah. Oh.
62
00:02:22,792 --> 00:02:24,960
- All right.
- Thank you.
63
00:02:24,994 --> 00:02:26,361
Thanks for being here, guys.
64
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,996
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
65
00:02:28,031 --> 00:02:28,997
And we're Key and Peele.
66
00:02:29,032 --> 00:02:30,332
Thank you for coming.
67
00:02:32,536 --> 00:02:33,636
You guys know
the Super Bowl Shuffle.
68
00:02:33,670 --> 00:02:35,104
Do you remember that?
69
00:02:35,138 --> 00:02:37,607
Yeah, unless you weren't born
in 1985.
70
00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:39,376
It was the '85 Bears.
71
00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,411
Put out this rap video,
72
00:02:41,445 --> 00:02:44,281
just saying how much
badasses they were.
73
00:02:44,315 --> 00:02:46,149
How bad--
how badass they were.
74
00:02:46,184 --> 00:02:48,385
No athlete has ever
been able to rap,
75
00:02:48,419 --> 00:02:49,820
and it sounds good.
76
00:02:49,854 --> 00:02:51,155
- It just doesn't happen.
- Right.
77
00:02:51,189 --> 00:02:53,357
There's something about
multiple concussions
78
00:02:53,392 --> 00:02:55,126
that just doesn't--
79
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,895
it isn't conducive
to rhyming well.
80
00:02:57,929 --> 00:02:59,430
You don't just get to put
on the headphones and go,
81
00:02:59,465 --> 00:03:03,234
"Yeah, I gotta live it,
s-so I can give it."
82
00:03:03,269 --> 00:03:05,036
Nope.
83
00:03:05,071 --> 00:03:06,238
We gotta take it from the top
84
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:07,439
'cause you messed up
the line, man.
85
00:03:07,473 --> 00:03:09,041
- Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.
86
00:03:09,075 --> 00:03:10,042
That's your only line.
87
00:03:10,077 --> 00:03:11,044
- All right. Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.
88
00:03:11,078 --> 00:03:12,111
We got do it and--
89
00:03:12,146 --> 00:03:13,446
- Nope.
- Gravitate toward it.
90
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,815
You already--why are you
adding "gravitate?"
91
00:03:15,849 --> 00:03:17,183
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Now, Flavius...
92
00:03:17,217 --> 00:03:18,918
- Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words?
93
00:03:18,953 --> 00:03:20,220
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good?
94
00:03:20,254 --> 00:03:22,823
- Four words!
- No, this--
95
00:03:27,762 --> 00:03:29,163
Hey, Jadinkalage?
96
00:03:29,197 --> 00:03:31,432
Yeah, L'Carpetron?
97
00:03:31,466 --> 00:03:35,303
Check out Leoz.
98
00:03:35,338 --> 00:03:37,305
I wonder what
he's dreaming about?
99
00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:40,909
He is probably dreaming
about what we is gonna do
100
00:03:40,943 --> 00:03:43,711
to the team from the West.
101
00:03:43,746 --> 00:03:46,514
I wonder.
102
00:03:54,991 --> 00:03:56,091
♪ T'Variusness ♪
103
00:03:56,125 --> 00:03:57,159
♪ T-King for short ♪
104
00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,227
♪ I'm a bad mamma-jamma ♪
105
00:03:58,261 --> 00:03:59,461
♪ and an awful sport ♪
106
00:03:59,496 --> 00:04:00,496
♪ Smoochie-Wallace ♪
107
00:04:00,530 --> 00:04:01,897
♪ You can call me Tyroil ♪
108
00:04:01,931 --> 00:04:04,199
♪ Rappin' up rushes
like aluminum foil ♪
109
00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:05,200
♪ McCringleberry ♪
110
00:04:05,235 --> 00:04:06,401
♪ I'm very scary ♪
111
00:04:06,436 --> 00:04:08,537
♪ If I got the ball
you best be wary ♪
112
00:04:08,571 --> 00:04:10,639
♪ L'Carpetron Dookmarriot ♪
113
00:04:10,673 --> 00:04:12,774
♪ I love the ball so much
I wanna marry it ♪
114
00:04:12,809 --> 00:04:15,744
♪ 'cause the Eastern
school's ♪
115
00:04:15,778 --> 00:04:18,647
♪ gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
116
00:04:18,681 --> 00:04:21,950
Oh, yeah.
117
00:04:21,985 --> 00:04:23,652
♪ Where football's
concerned ♪
118
00:04:23,686 --> 00:04:27,456
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
119
00:04:27,491 --> 00:04:30,826
♪ We are the best ♪
120
00:04:30,861 --> 00:04:33,296
♪ I'm Ibrahim Moizoos ♪
121
00:04:33,330 --> 00:04:35,598
♪ And my rhymes are clean
like my name is Dr. Seuss ♪
122
00:04:35,632 --> 00:04:36,899
♪ Probincrux III ♪
123
00:04:36,933 --> 00:04:37,900
♪ They call me "The Probe" ♪
124
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,134
♪ I can intercept balls ♪
125
00:04:39,169 --> 00:04:40,235
♪ With my earlobe ♪
126
00:04:40,270 --> 00:04:41,370
♪ Shower-Handel ♪
127
00:04:41,404 --> 00:04:42,737
♪ That's my name ♪
128
00:04:42,772 --> 00:04:44,439
♪ Power candle sounds the same ♪
129
00:04:44,473 --> 00:04:45,840
- ♪ With Jackmerius ♪
- ♪ D'Squarius ♪
130
00:04:45,875 --> 00:04:46,842
♪ And Javarison-Lamar ♪
131
00:04:46,876 --> 00:04:48,209
♪ Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and
132
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,958
♪ D'Marcus plays guitar
133
00:04:51,747 --> 00:04:54,215
♪ 'cause the Eastern school's
134
00:04:54,249 --> 00:04:56,650
♪ Gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
135
00:04:57,509 --> 00:04:58,552
♪ Okay ♪
136
00:04:58,587 --> 00:04:59,617
♪ Don't you know ♪
137
00:05:00,322 --> 00:05:02,089
♪ Where football's concerned ♪
138
00:05:02,123 --> 00:05:05,960
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
139
00:05:05,994 --> 00:05:07,861
♪ Indeedy, we are the best ♪
140
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:13,674
It must have been
all a dream.
141
00:05:17,237 --> 00:05:18,240
Or was it?
142
00:05:25,912 --> 00:05:27,919
Oh, it's on.
143
00:05:33,921 --> 00:05:35,054
♪ What's up, y'all ♪
144
00:05:35,089 --> 00:05:36,189
♪ It's Jefferspin ♪
145
00:05:36,223 --> 00:05:37,423
♪ I'm the big left tackle ♪
146
00:05:37,458 --> 00:05:38,624
♪ Gonna help us win ♪
147
00:05:38,659 --> 00:05:41,093
♪ X-Wing @Aliciousness ♪
148
00:05:41,127 --> 00:05:43,896
♪ I'll use my force
to give the East distress ♪
149
00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:45,565
♪ L'Goodling-Splatt is
where it's at ♪
150
00:05:45,599 --> 00:05:48,601
♪ Running through defenders
and padding my stats ♪
151
00:05:48,636 --> 00:05:49,769
♪ Y'all know me ♪
152
00:05:49,804 --> 00:05:51,137
♪ I'm Washingbeard ♪
153
00:05:51,172 --> 00:05:53,807
♪ Catch so many balls
it's a little weird ♪
154
00:05:53,841 --> 00:05:57,077
♪ 'cause you know we gonna
win against the East ♪
155
00:05:57,111 --> 00:05:58,312
♪ Listen what we said ♪
156
00:05:58,346 --> 00:05:59,713
♪ We gonna get
the most points ♪
157
00:05:59,748 --> 00:06:01,282
♪ And they gonna get the least ♪
158
00:06:01,316 --> 00:06:03,517
♪ Just tryin' to calm the
voices running through my head ♪
159
00:06:03,551 --> 00:06:04,818
♪ Back it up ♪
160
00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:06,153
♪ It's Hardunkichud ♪
161
00:06:06,187 --> 00:06:08,788
♪ I hit the Q.B. and make
a noise like thud ♪
162
00:06:08,823 --> 00:06:11,091
♪ Can't block me
and all of that jazz ♪
163
00:06:11,125 --> 00:06:13,694
♪ 'cause y'all don't want none
of this Ozamataz ♪
164
00:06:13,729 --> 00:06:14,762
♪ The Player... ♪
165
00:06:14,797 --> 00:06:16,364
♪ T.J. A.J. ♪
166
00:06:16,398 --> 00:06:17,632
♪ Formerly Known... ♪
167
00:06:20,102 --> 00:06:21,068
♪ Lewith ♪
168
00:06:21,102 --> 00:06:22,069
♪ As Mousecop ♪
169
00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:23,303
♪ and Donkey Teeth ♪
170
00:06:23,338 --> 00:06:24,404
♪ I'm the touchdown man ♪
171
00:06:24,439 --> 00:06:25,505
♪ That's Grundelplith ♪
172
00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:26,840
♪ But y'all ain't ready ♪
173
00:06:26,874 --> 00:06:28,475
♪ For my man Dan Smith ♪
174
00:06:29,032 --> 00:06:30,573
♪ Yo yo ♪
175
00:06:31,212 --> 00:06:32,133
♪ Smith comma Daniel ♪
176
00:06:32,146 --> 00:06:33,867
♪ Other kickers in the League
don't hold a candle ♪
177
00:06:33,949 --> 00:06:35,249
♪ Cheerleaders up on
my chocolate crotch ♪
178
00:06:35,284 --> 00:06:36,651
♪ Those goddamn
baby cocker spaniel ♪
179
00:06:36,685 --> 00:06:37,985
♪ B.Y.U.
why you be ♪
180
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:39,253
♪ Mad 'cause the bitches
wanna get with me ♪
181
00:06:39,288 --> 00:06:40,860
♪ Got Swisher Sweets
and dutchies rollin on' ♪
182
00:06:40,911 --> 00:06:41,789
♪ No other team can touch these ♪
183
00:06:41,823 --> 00:06:43,290
♪ Hittin' field goals
blunted ♪
184
00:06:43,325 --> 00:06:44,425
♪ Been drunk when I punted ♪
185
00:06:44,459 --> 00:06:45,659
♪ Been like a hundred times ♪
186
00:06:45,694 --> 00:06:47,128
♪ That I already done it ♪
187
00:06:47,162 --> 00:06:48,429
♪ Oh, [bleep] ♪
188
00:06:48,463 --> 00:06:49,797
♪ See these haters
thought I was playin' ♪
189
00:06:49,831 --> 00:06:51,299
♪ Stayin' away from my faces ♪
190
00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:52,567
♪ With all the bull[bleep]
they sayin' ♪
191
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:54,135
♪ But just remember
who you tauntin' ♪
192
00:06:54,169 --> 00:06:55,507
♪ When you tossin'
those gauntlets ♪
193
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:58,413
♪ I'm Dan Smith and the West is
gettin' rowdy like monsters ♪
194
00:07:05,211 --> 00:07:06,711
Question for you.
195
00:07:06,746 --> 00:07:09,948
Why do black people
love mafia stuff so much?
196
00:07:09,982 --> 00:07:11,616
We do, right?
197
00:07:11,650 --> 00:07:14,285
- Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.
198
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,753
Godfather II, God--
199
00:07:15,788 --> 00:07:17,856
Mm, on the third one, but...
200
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:21,459
We are very tolerant,
considering that
201
00:07:21,494 --> 00:07:24,629
uh, mafia--mobsters are the most
racist people in America.
202
00:07:24,663 --> 00:07:25,796
- Hands down.
- Right?
203
00:07:25,831 --> 00:07:27,831
They say the N-word
more than we do.
204
00:07:27,866 --> 00:07:29,266
Yeah, it's crazy.
205
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:32,202
I mean, if you date
a mobster's sister...
206
00:07:32,236 --> 00:07:33,403
You will wake up
207
00:07:33,438 --> 00:07:34,872
with that bitch's head
in your bed.
208
00:07:36,232 --> 00:07:37,816
They're, like, the most
cold-blooded people
209
00:07:37,843 --> 00:07:39,143
- in the world.
- They just don't give a [bleep].
210
00:07:39,177 --> 00:07:40,578
They don't.
211
00:07:40,612 --> 00:07:42,680
- That's their motto.
- You laughed,
212
00:07:42,714 --> 00:07:46,583
but we're--we're gonna get shot
after we walk off the stage.
213
00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:51,982
I'm tellin' you, Vinny,
214
00:07:52,016 --> 00:07:54,618
no disrespect to your
dearly departed grandmother,
215
00:07:54,652 --> 00:07:57,715
but my aunt makes
a pasta--forget about it.
216
00:07:58,757 --> 00:08:00,925
Your aunt lives
in this neighborhood?
217
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:03,627
Seems kinda dangerous.
218
00:08:03,662 --> 00:08:06,897
What are you,
McGruff the crime dog?
219
00:08:06,932 --> 00:08:09,108
Come on, we're late already.
220
00:08:10,469 --> 00:08:14,004
Hey, uh, you--you say
she lives in this house here?
221
00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:16,240
What the [bleep]'s the matter
with you, vinny?
222
00:08:16,274 --> 00:08:18,563
You're being rude.
let's go.
223
00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:23,748
I'm not trying
to be rude, it's--
224
00:08:23,783 --> 00:08:24,883
The lights are off.
225
00:08:24,917 --> 00:08:27,752
Maybe we--
let's come back later. Y--
226
00:08:27,787 --> 00:08:29,688
Hey, she's probably
just takin' a nap
227
00:08:29,722 --> 00:08:32,057
after the huge meal
she just made for us.
228
00:08:32,091 --> 00:08:33,658
Go in.
229
00:08:36,996 --> 00:08:38,262
I don't have the key.
230
00:08:38,297 --> 00:08:39,530
You should go in first.
231
00:08:39,564 --> 00:08:41,699
Oh, marrone, she said
she'd leave it open.
232
00:08:41,733 --> 00:08:46,871
Vinny, stop being
such a strunzo and get in there.
233
00:08:51,911 --> 00:08:54,913
All right, all right.
234
00:10:21,937 --> 00:10:24,905
Surprise.
235
00:10:28,343 --> 00:10:29,944
No, I'm good, man.
236
00:10:29,978 --> 00:10:32,380
You hungry?
237
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,415
Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.
238
00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,284
Um, what you want?
239
00:10:36,318 --> 00:10:38,152
Uh, pizza?
Chinese?
240
00:10:39,655 --> 00:10:41,748
Kill that noise, man.
241
00:10:43,625 --> 00:10:45,487
I got a ratatouille.
242
00:10:48,197 --> 00:10:49,264
Oh, [bleep]!
243
00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:50,598
That's a rat, dude.
244
00:10:50,632 --> 00:10:51,766
No, it ain't.
245
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,368
That's a ratatouille, yo.
246
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:58,072
Hey, Ratatouille,
go make my man a sandwich.
247
00:10:58,107 --> 00:11:01,242
Yeah, show him what you got.
248
00:11:07,216 --> 00:11:08,717
What the [bleep], son?
249
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,922
You got a rat up in your house?
250
00:11:12,455 --> 00:11:14,569
What this mean?
251
00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:17,826
I don't know what to say, man.
252
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:19,527
I got a ratatouille, man.
253
00:11:19,562 --> 00:11:21,830
He a chef just like
in all them movies, man.
254
00:11:21,864 --> 00:11:23,064
No, no r--hey.
255
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,800
There's only--
256
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:27,369
There's only one movie, Levi,
all right?
257
00:11:27,404 --> 00:11:28,871
And he's not a ratatouille.
258
00:11:28,906 --> 00:11:31,741
He's a rat
and his name is Remy.
259
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:34,143
- Potahto, potayto.
- Potahto, p--
260
00:11:34,177 --> 00:11:35,878
- I gots myself a ratatouille.
261
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,347
That's all I know.
262
00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:40,315
Order up.
263
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,301
Damn!
Oh, Levi!
264
00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:49,658
Voilà .
265
00:11:49,693 --> 00:11:51,560
Levi, look at this thing, man.
266
00:11:51,594 --> 00:11:54,029
You see it got
bite marks all over it.
267
00:11:54,064 --> 00:11:56,965
Any good chef
has to taste his creation.
268
00:11:56,999 --> 00:12:01,236
That's rat [bleep]
on the sandwich.
269
00:12:01,271 --> 00:12:03,406
He did make a sandwich though.
270
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,607
Oh, hell no.
271
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,775
I'm out.
272
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:08,945
My dude, you need help.
273
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:12,381
Hey.
274
00:12:12,416 --> 00:12:13,750
Oh, well, Ratatouille.
275
00:12:13,784 --> 00:12:16,152
Another negative review.
276
00:12:17,190 --> 00:12:19,255
Maybe you want it,
Charlotte's web.
277
00:12:25,241 --> 00:12:27,342
Has anybody been racially
profiled here?
278
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:29,184
Yes.
279
00:12:29,218 --> 00:12:31,686
- Really?
- Yes. Yes.
280
00:12:31,721 --> 00:12:33,255
That's why we have
the glasses on, right?
281
00:12:33,289 --> 00:12:34,256
No, I'm good.
282
00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:35,390
I'm one of the nerdy ones.
283
00:12:35,425 --> 00:12:37,492
Here, right here.
284
00:12:37,527 --> 00:12:38,927
Carry on, carry on.
285
00:12:38,961 --> 00:12:40,929
Being a black man
it is--it is scary, man.
286
00:12:40,963 --> 00:12:43,331
We can get thrown away
for just no reason.
287
00:12:43,366 --> 00:12:44,399
Yeah, yeah.
288
00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:45,800
Wh--I did what to who?
289
00:12:45,835 --> 00:12:48,170
Like, d--but seriously now,
what?
290
00:12:48,204 --> 00:12:49,905
What are the charges?
291
00:12:49,939 --> 00:12:50,939
What did they get you for?
292
00:12:50,973 --> 00:12:52,107
D--I don't know.
293
00:12:52,141 --> 00:12:53,909
They asked me
to come down to the station.
294
00:12:53,943 --> 00:12:55,310
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
295
00:12:55,344 --> 00:12:56,377
- I was just--
- I came.
296
00:12:56,412 --> 00:12:57,912
- I'm a [bleep] idiot.
- I know.
297
00:12:57,946 --> 00:13:00,415
Yeah.
298
00:13:00,449 --> 00:13:02,383
Are you--is there
any Muslim-Americans in the--
299
00:13:02,417 --> 00:13:04,285
There we go.
300
00:13:04,319 --> 00:13:05,286
All right.
We're very pleased--
301
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,287
You guys
have it the worst
302
00:13:06,321 --> 00:13:07,288
- right now though, right?
- Yeah.
303
00:13:07,322 --> 00:13:08,356
They'll just look at your name
304
00:13:08,390 --> 00:13:09,624
and see it's...
305
00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:12,026
All right.
[bleep] you go.
306
00:13:20,469 --> 00:13:22,270
Look Rajid,
307
00:13:22,304 --> 00:13:24,205
I'm gonna make this
really nice and easy for you.
308
00:13:24,239 --> 00:13:26,207
I need names and you're gonna
give 'em to me.
309
00:13:26,241 --> 00:13:27,408
You have to listen to me.
310
00:13:27,442 --> 00:13:29,577
You have to listen to me.
311
00:13:29,611 --> 00:13:32,479
This is all a huge mistake.
312
00:13:32,514 --> 00:13:34,815
Bull[bleep]!
313
00:13:36,117 --> 00:13:37,518
Department of Homeland
Security's
314
00:13:37,552 --> 00:13:40,287
been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.
315
00:13:40,322 --> 00:13:41,689
We got you.
316
00:13:41,723 --> 00:13:43,791
We know about you
and your friends.
317
00:13:43,825 --> 00:13:45,759
We know that you're a--
318
00:13:45,794 --> 00:13:46,760
Terrierist.
319
00:13:46,795 --> 00:13:49,963
I am a terrierist.
320
00:13:49,998 --> 00:13:52,833
We--me and my friends,
we breed dogs,
321
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:54,535
specifically terriers.
322
00:13:54,569 --> 00:13:56,837
We write terrierist fiction.
323
00:13:56,871 --> 00:13:59,173
We spend a good deal of time
324
00:13:59,207 --> 00:14:02,010
discussing possible future
terrierist plots--
325
00:14:04,346 --> 00:14:06,213
Hmm.
That's a nice try.
326
00:14:06,232 --> 00:14:07,346
It really is.
327
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:11,118
But it's bull[bleep], Rajid!
328
00:14:11,152 --> 00:14:12,252
Come on.
329
00:14:12,287 --> 00:14:13,587
Is that the best you got?
330
00:14:13,621 --> 00:14:15,488
Now come on, I'm listening.
331
00:14:15,523 --> 00:14:16,957
Just tell me.
Tell me.
332
00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:18,775
Tell me about
this imminent attack.
333
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,995
What? What?
What attack?
334
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,296
I don't know
what you're talking about.
335
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:24,730
What are you t--what am i
talking about?
336
00:14:24,765 --> 00:14:26,465
- I don't--
- I don't know, huh? huh?
337
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:27,766
I don't know
what you're talking about.
338
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:29,168
- I'm telling you--
- No, you don't know?
339
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,969
I don't know.
I don't know.
340
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:33,305
June 11, Rajid.
341
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:34,840
You spoke of an imminent attack.
342
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,141
Oh, oh, yes. No.
343
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:37,509
Listen, that was my friend.
344
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,945
- Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.
345
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:41,546
And I told him,
"If you do not train them..."
346
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,016
- No.
- "another terrier attack
347
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,017
"is imminent."
348
00:14:48,422 --> 00:14:50,456
So you lie
and you see what happens?
349
00:14:50,491 --> 00:14:52,858
I don't--
I'm not lying to you.
350
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,759
Come on, Rajid.
I like you.
351
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,928
let's be friends, huh?
352
00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,796
Now you still
haven't explained to me
353
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:02,533
why we found, on the search
engine of your computer,
354
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,703
the words "Target Washington"
49 times.
355
00:15:05,737 --> 00:15:09,006
That--that is because
I was in D.C. for a dog show
356
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:11,276
and I had to buy a squeezy toy,
a birthday card,
357
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,745
and some deodorant
all at an affordable price.
358
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,547
All right.
359
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,681
You can only
do that at Target.
360
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:17,682
Yeah, okay.
361
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,384
I see how you wanna play this.
362
00:15:21,052 --> 00:15:24,688
This is not a case
of mistaken identity, Rajid,
363
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,890
and you know it!
364
00:15:26,925 --> 00:15:29,626
We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar.
365
00:15:29,661 --> 00:15:32,630
Where you discussing your hatred
of American ideals.
366
00:15:32,664 --> 00:15:33,631
No, no, Idols.
367
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:35,033
American Idols!
368
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,367
I-I hate them.
369
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:37,702
They performed "Dancing Queen".
370
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:40,805
It was a desecration to ABBA.
371
00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:43,074
My favorite band.
372
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:45,444
We got you on tape
referring to Jafar
373
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,146
as one of the architects of--
374
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,581
- 7-Eleven!
375
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,250
it was 7-Eleven!
376
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:55,921
Jafar--he designs
convenience stores.
377
00:15:57,424 --> 00:16:00,159
7-Eleven?
378
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,894
Oh, [bleep].
379
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:05,564
Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked
the Capitol building.
380
00:16:06,469 --> 00:16:07,532
Were they terriers?
381
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,100
How did you know?
382
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,302
[bleep]!
383
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,705
Praise ABBA.
384
00:16:17,945 --> 00:16:19,846
Welcome to Metta World News.
385
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,616
In sports,
I'd rather eat my hand
386
00:16:22,650 --> 00:16:24,518
than to have my penis cut off.
387
00:16:24,552 --> 00:16:27,120
I'd really have to believe
someone was gonna cut it off,
388
00:16:27,155 --> 00:16:30,390
but if I did,
I could definitely eat my hand.
389
00:16:30,425 --> 00:16:32,893
I know because
I had a dream where I did it.
390
00:16:32,927 --> 00:16:33,960
It was horrible.
391
00:16:33,995 --> 00:16:35,429
I ate my whole hand.
392
00:16:35,463 --> 00:16:38,132
Now that's what you call
"rhetoric."
393
00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:39,934
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
394
00:16:39,969 --> 00:16:42,637
for this Wednesday,
April Hurricane Slipknot.
395
00:16:42,671 --> 00:16:43,938
I'm Metta World Peace.
396
00:16:43,973 --> 00:16:45,151
Good night.
397
00:16:52,797 --> 00:16:53,964
We go to the movies
together sometimes.
398
00:16:53,999 --> 00:16:56,233
- Yes.
- And we very often
399
00:16:56,234 --> 00:16:59,102
find ourselves
in these really annoying spots
400
00:16:59,170 --> 00:17:00,737
where the guys in front of us
are talking about a movie--
401
00:17:00,772 --> 00:17:02,472
they can't remember a movie.
402
00:17:02,506 --> 00:17:05,441
I've seen people get caught
in a crazy, like, vortex.
403
00:17:05,476 --> 00:17:06,943
Talking about--
hey, hey, man.
404
00:17:06,977 --> 00:17:08,577
You know,
what's the girl's name?
405
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:09,645
What's the girl's name?
406
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,180
- You know--
- She does this?
407
00:17:11,215 --> 00:17:13,182
- She does this?
- She don't do this.
408
00:17:13,217 --> 00:17:15,551
No, she, um--she on a boat.
409
00:17:15,586 --> 00:17:16,586
and then the dude
is on the boat.
410
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:17,587
She's doing it--she doing it.
411
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:19,489
She got--"I will
always--in love--"
412
00:17:19,524 --> 00:17:21,258
- She's says "I will--"
- "I'm on the boat."
413
00:17:21,293 --> 00:17:22,526
Oh, Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston,
414
00:17:22,561 --> 00:17:24,929
Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston.
415
00:17:24,963 --> 00:17:26,730
- She's blonde.
- Oh, and--oh, she blonde.
416
00:17:26,764 --> 00:17:27,997
She on the boat,
417
00:17:28,032 --> 00:17:29,799
and then the shark--
Jaws, man. Jaws.
418
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:32,034
- Talking about Jaws.
- No.
419
00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:34,770
The boat sinks,
it crashes and sinks.
420
00:17:34,805 --> 00:17:36,339
- What can hit it?
- It sinks.
421
00:17:36,373 --> 00:17:38,241
It hits a big-ass ice cube,
and it sinks.
422
00:17:38,275 --> 00:17:40,577
Oh! Oh! Oh!
423
00:17:40,611 --> 00:17:41,678
Friday.
424
00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:49,085
- Damn, she was fly.
- She a'ight.
425
00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:50,920
Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question?
426
00:17:50,954 --> 00:17:52,321
Yeah. What?
427
00:17:52,356 --> 00:17:54,157
Why everybody messing
with the Batmans?
428
00:17:54,191 --> 00:17:55,524
See?
429
00:17:55,559 --> 00:17:58,461
That's exactly
what I've been asking myself.
430
00:17:58,495 --> 00:17:59,528
It don't make no sense.
431
00:17:59,563 --> 00:18:00,663
Why would you do it?
432
00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:02,131
Why would you do that?
433
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:04,633
Why would you try and mess
with the Batman?
434
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,635
- It's futile.
- It is.
435
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,137
Yo, remember,
Heath Ledger tried to.
436
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:09,638
Psh, I mean,
the Batman's got armor.
437
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:10,973
And, you know,
some martial arts
438
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,242
and moves--
439
00:18:14,544 --> 00:18:15,644
It don't work.
I got armor.
440
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:17,179
- And then martial arts.
- Come on.
441
00:18:17,213 --> 00:18:19,081
- All you got is a purple suit
and some pancake makeup.
442
00:18:19,115 --> 00:18:20,148
Come on, man.
443
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,383
I mean, come on, man.
Batman.
444
00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:24,085
- Why would you...
- mess with the Batman?
445
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,020
- That's what I'm saying, man.
446
00:18:26,055 --> 00:18:27,388
Oh, remember
when Danny DeVito tried it?
447
00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:28,990
- Psh.
- Start walking around.
448
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:30,024
Talking like...
449
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,099
Come on, man.
450
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:41,269
I mean, the Batman is a
multi-billionaire with a grudge.
451
00:18:41,304 --> 00:18:42,270
You're just
a little fat mother[bleep]
452
00:18:42,305 --> 00:18:44,006
in a tuxedo with an umbrella.
453
00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:45,708
- Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.
454
00:18:45,742 --> 00:18:48,344
It's like a pretend bird
can't mess with the Batman.
455
00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:50,445
No way. no way.
out of the question, man.
456
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,713
But Jim Carrey though.
457
00:18:51,748 --> 00:18:53,882
Psh, Jim Carrey though.
458
00:18:53,917 --> 00:18:55,451
- Jim Carrey.
- Come on.
459
00:18:55,485 --> 00:18:56,618
"Riddle me this.
460
00:18:56,653 --> 00:18:59,555
Riddle me that, mans."
461
00:18:59,589 --> 00:19:01,423
How is Ace Ventura
gonna mess with the Batmans?
462
00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:02,658
- Well played. Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura--
463
00:19:02,692 --> 00:19:03,826
Well played.
464
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:06,028
"Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you."
465
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:08,231
- Aah!
- Now see.
466
00:19:08,265 --> 00:19:09,599
How are you supposed
to block a Batarang
467
00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:12,601
from going in your butt with
a carefully crafted query?
468
00:19:12,636 --> 00:19:14,637
- You cannot. That's how.
- It's impossible.
469
00:19:14,671 --> 00:19:16,639
- Hey. Hey, psh.
Hey, psh. Hey, psh.
470
00:19:16,673 --> 00:19:18,207
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
471
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:21,177
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried
to mess with the Batmans.
472
00:19:21,211 --> 00:19:23,612
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess
with the Batmans.
473
00:19:23,647 --> 00:19:24,814
Michelle Puhfeiffer.
474
00:19:24,848 --> 00:19:26,215
- Michelle Puhfeiffer...
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
475
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:27,350
tried to mess
with the Batman.
476
00:19:27,384 --> 00:19:29,151
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
477
00:19:29,186 --> 00:19:30,452
Guess what,
Michelle Puhfeiffer?
478
00:19:30,487 --> 00:19:32,421
- You ain't a real cat!
- Come on.
479
00:19:32,455 --> 00:19:33,688
I'll tell you one thing.
480
00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:36,092
Ain't no way you gonna meow-s
with the Batman.
481
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:38,294
But what about
Arnold Scharzenegger though ?
482
00:19:38,295 --> 00:19:39,706
What's Arnold Scharzenegger
trying to do?
483
00:19:39,716 --> 00:19:40,330
Come on, man.
484
00:19:40,364 --> 00:19:41,531
What is
Arnold Scharzenegger--
485
00:19:41,565 --> 00:19:43,834
Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
486
00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:45,802
It should be in your triceps.
487
00:19:45,837 --> 00:19:47,438
- Come on, man.
- Arnold Scharzenegger--
488
00:19:47,472 --> 00:19:48,672
You can't turn up the AC
489
00:19:48,707 --> 00:19:50,474
and think that's gonna mess
with the Batman.
490
00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:51,575
What is it supposed to be
doing to the Batman?
491
00:19:51,609 --> 00:19:53,310
- Giving the Batmans a cold?
- Come on, man.
492
00:19:53,344 --> 00:19:54,678
Giving the Batmans
a sniffle?
493
00:19:54,712 --> 00:19:56,380
Man, talking
about Bat lozenge.
494
00:19:56,414 --> 00:19:57,581
And you're defeated.
495
00:19:57,616 --> 00:19:58,916
Come on, man.
496
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,651
You know,
there is one person though.
497
00:20:00,685 --> 00:20:02,286
Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.
498
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,287
There is one person
who could--
499
00:20:03,322 --> 00:20:04,722
Here it comes right now.
500
00:20:04,756 --> 00:20:05,823
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
501
00:20:05,858 --> 00:20:06,824
There's one person
who could...
502
00:20:06,859 --> 00:20:08,126
Here it comes right now.
503
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,195
did, and shall again
bested the Batman.
504
00:20:11,230 --> 00:20:12,330
- No, no, no.
- Whoo!
505
00:20:12,364 --> 00:20:15,033
- Boy, here it comes.
- He trained the Batman.
506
00:20:15,068 --> 00:20:17,602
He gave the Batmans his skills.
507
00:20:17,637 --> 00:20:19,037
He's a mirror image
of the Batmans
508
00:20:19,072 --> 00:20:21,106
in fighting prowess.
509
00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:24,009
- I'm talking about...
- Ra's Al Ghul!
510
00:20:24,044 --> 00:20:25,143
That's right, dog.
Right there.
511
00:20:25,178 --> 00:20:26,979
Talk about straight up
Ra's Al Ghul.
512
00:20:27,013 --> 00:20:30,548
- Played by the incomparable...
- Liam Neesons.
513
00:20:30,583 --> 00:20:34,052
So even when we are talking
about the Batmans...
514
00:20:34,086 --> 00:20:40,091
Liam Neesons
is my [bleep].
515
00:20:45,665 --> 00:20:46,731
Thank you.
516
00:20:46,766 --> 00:20:48,499
Praise ABBA!
517
00:20:48,534 --> 00:20:50,068
- Good night, everybody.
- All right. Thank you.
518
00:20:50,102 --> 00:20:51,636
Good night, guys.
519
00:20:57,109 --> 00:21:00,078
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
520
00:21:00,112 --> 00:21:02,113
Oh, yeah.
36496
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