Original subtitles

- What are you doing? - What?

You're eating my ficus.

Look at that.

It's really good.

Setting aside the fact that "you're eating my ficus" sounds dirty,

you're eating his ficus.

It's delicious. Here, try it.

- What? No. No. Uh... - Yeah.

It smells good.

Take a bite.

- Oh, my God. - Right?

This is unbelievable.

- What's happening? - You gotta try this.

- You're kidding? - Just try it.

This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth

and I've put some cwazy shit in my mouth.

I think I know what's going on.

Oh, I'll tell you what's going on. This is the most--

What is happening?

I believe you're chewing your cud.

She's what-ing her what?

"The human body is a miracle."

"We have four stomachs, just like our ancestors, the cows."

That's ridiculous. How could we be descended from...

cows?

All wight. This universe is stupid. Push that button and let's get--

Yum!

I've been doing a little research.

It turns out this universe is pretty close to ours

before the apocalypse.

Couple of differences.

Baseball doesn't have a DH rule

and they don't have Skechers Slip-Ins.

That's a drag.

Are you weaving anything out there, buddy?

Let's see. Okay.

John Cougar is still John Cougar.

He never went back to Mellencamp.

We have four stomachs and chew our cud.

Cud. It's not just for breakfast anymore.

All right, we have Kentucky bluegrass.

- That's me. - Smells delicious.

- Who had the tall fescue? - Me.

So good.

Bermuda for the gentleman.

- Wow. - Thank you.

- And the clover for the lady. - Thank you.

Bon appétit.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna throw something out there.

Why don't we just stay in this reality?

What happened to you saving the universe?

I know, but I mean, let's be honest.

Were any of us really clear on how that was supposed to work?

- Not really. - Right.

And yeah, this place isn't perfect...

but there's no evil computers, no one's getting burned at the stake.

- You really want to stay here? - Why not?

I mean, we can't get the hang of that stupid machine.

Every place we go turns out to be dangerous.

Last place was nice.

I almost married a woman who thought I was beautiful.

Yeah, and then there was a violent riot and we had to flee for our lives.

Every rose has thorns, Stuart.

I wonder what a rose would taste like.

Thank you.

How was everything?

- Excellent. - So good. Delicious.

- Amazing. - So good.

Did you save room for dessert?

Chef just got in some corn.

Corn? You trying to fatten us up?

A little, but it's worth it.

Fine, one warge corn for the table.

So, what would we do if we stayed here?

I would run a comic book store, you'd work with me,

Bert would be a geologist, and Kripke'd be an asshole.

Asshole's more of a hobby than a vocation.

Maybe we could even get married.

Are you...

proposing?

Depends. Are you...

accepting?

I've always imagined this moment, but with less vomit in my mouth.

Well, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.

Just think about it.

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

- That was really great. - Yeah.

In the middle there, did... did you moo?

I did. You made me moo.

I think it's the vegetarian diet.

I'm more peppy.

You sure are. I worked up an appetite.

You want some hay? I've got some hay.

Mm, yeah. Gimme.

You know, I was thinking about what you said at dinner.

And?

I think we could be happy here.

People are really nice. The food's great.

I hear the health care's terrific.

One more reason to call this home.

Sorry.

- Yeah? - It's me and Kripke.

- Can we talk? - Not a good time.

Or just come in.

- We don't wanna stay in Cowtown. - Why not?

We did pretty good in those other universes.

I had sex in three out of five of them,

and granted, one was with Gary, but he's a very genewous wover.

If you're not gonna use the Leonard/Sheldon device,

we want to hit the road.

Try our wuck somewhere else.

What do you think?

They take the machine, we're here forever.

I'm okay with that.

- It's all yours. - Thank you.

So...

I guess this is goodbye.

I guess so.

Listen, I know I haven't been the best twaveling companion.

And?

And what?

- Goodbye, Kripke. - Okay.

- Bye, Bert. - Bye.

I'm actually gonna miss them.

Yeah.

Think you got one more moo in you?

Only one way to find out.

You know what you're doing?

I am a world-wenowned physicist.

I am perfectly capable

of traversing interdimensional wealities.

Bert, stop screaming!

But we're falling to our death!

Do you see a bottom?

- No. - What's that tell you?

We're falling to our death eventually.

Or not.

So, now what?

I don't know. Let's think it through.

- Anything? - Nope.

So, back to screaming?

Yeah, I guess so.

I hope we made the right decision.

I think we did. It's a beautiful world.

Yeah.

- Salt lick. - Come to Mama.

Two, please.

It's so good.

- Am I tasting sea salt? - It's Himalayan.

Yeah. There's the mountain.

Everybody, listen to me!

The universe is collapsing.

We're running out of time!

We must take action before it's too late.

No one is safe.

Ignore me all you want, but it's coming for you!

The end times are near, people!

- Look, it's Raj. - He's not dead here.

- That's nice. - You think you can go on?

Living your little lives in your little houses?

It's coming for you! It's coming for all of you!

- Raj. - What?

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

To be honest, paranoid schizophrenia.

Be right back.

Are you familiar with the galaxy GN-z11?

- Um, no. - No.

It's the most distant galaxy

the Hubble telescope can see, and guess what?

Don't bother. It's a rhetorical question.

The whole damn thing... gone.

How can a galaxy disappear?

You sure the Hubble telescope doesn't have some schmutz on it?

It's the Hubble! It doesn't have schmutz!

Schmutz happens to everything.

Listen to me. It's not just GN-z11.

It's the Triangulum Galaxy and the Hyperion proto-supercluster.

- Oh, no. - Why "oh, no"?

"Oh, yay" sounded wrong.

I've tried calling and warning everyone.

JPL, NASA, the White House.

You know what they said to me? They said I was crazy.

Really?

You screamed that the universe is coming to an end

to the lady that answers the phone at the White House

and she didn't take you seriously?

Entire star systems at the edge of the universe

are disappearing.

Which means...

Sorry, all I got is schmutz.

It means there isn't much time

before everything we know and love is gone.

Well, how much time are we talking about?

Not a lot, guys.

Three to four hundred years.

Oh, buddy, even if you're right, we'll all be dead.

- Who cares? - "Who cares"?

I'll tell you who cares.

Your great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great-grandchildren.

Oh, no. One more great.

Grandchildren?

We haven't really talked about starting a...

family.

- Maybe we should. - Clock's ticking.

Don't you get it? The universe is ending,

and there's nothing we can do about it.

- Nothing? - Not a damn thing.

Okay. Well...

good to see you.

Good to see you.

- Good luck with all this. - Thanks.

Okay.

We're all going to die!

Push the button! Get us out of here!

Oh, right, yeah.

- Shit! - It didn't work.

I know. Hence "shit."

- Wanna play a game? - What?

- You know, pass the time. - You're kidding?

When I was a kid on car trips,

my mom and I would play 20 questions.

I'm not pwaying 20 questions

while we're falling through an endwess void.

Okay.

- Okay, screw it. I got one. - Great.

- Is it something you eat? - No.

I give up.

- Did you lock the door? - Thought I did.

It's about time.

- What are you doing here? - What's it look like?

I'm waiting for you.

- Stuart? - Yeah?

- Sorry, go ahead. - Denise...

this is the other me I told you about.

- Hey. - Hey.

So, you want to explain to me

why you gave the Leonard/Sheldon thingy to Bert and Kripke?

Well, we decided to stay here.

Okay, cool! "We decided to stay here."

"It's great. I don't have to save the universe."

"I can just chew my frickin' cud."

Other you's kind of a dick.

Okay.

You know what? I'm gonna explain this

as simply as I can.

Because you are entangled

with the primary incident of divergence at a quantum level...

you are inextricably bound

to the potential resolution of the fragmentation

of the multi-state universe.

You get what I'm saying?

You're the only one who can save the universe.

Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to.

You have to.

Is there someone else I can talk to?

Like my manager? I'm a projection from a collapsing adjacent reality.

Does that sound like someone who has a manager?

Well, maybe not a manager, but there must've been someone

who told you what time to come in today.

Look. Even if I wanted to save the universe,

I don't have the device anymore.

So order another one!

How can there be another one?

How can this conversation be happening?

You-- You're not listening to me.

I'm done with the Leonard/Sheldon thingy and the universe hopping and you!

Mostly you.

Don't.

Let me talk to you.

Seventh grade, I had a teacher. Mr. Morinelli.

He's the one who inspired me to start a geology club.

It didn't really catch on at first.

It was just me and Karen Hartman and Larry O'Malley.

He had a twin brother.

Can't remember his name.

It rhymed with Larry. It was like Barry or Harry.

Oh, God, just wet me hit the gwound.

Gary! Gary O'Malley! That's it.

I knew I'd remember it.

"Shrub Hub."

Makes sense.

Shrub Hub.

- Who's ready for Japanese food? - Me, me.

The only downside to the whole four stomach thing

is I'm constantly hungry.

I know. Bonsai. Soy sauce? Thank you.

Do you think that I'm wrong

for bailing out on the whole "save the universe" thing?

Doesn't matter what I think. What do you think?

It'd be different if I signed up for it.

But I didn't, so I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong.

Living my own life, making my own choices.

Okay.

And besides, nothing really happens for hundreds of years.

True.

I mean, sure, there'd be an infinite number of lives lost

or never even born

across an infinite number of universes.

- And how's that my problem? - It most certainly is not.

- Thank you. - Unless you want it to be.

So, you think I should do it?

I didn't say that.

Denise, I'm not a hero.

I'm a broke-ass failed artist who owns a comic book store.

In fact, I'm such a failure,

in every universe we go to, I own a comic book store.

- No argument. - You can argue a little.

Stuart, this is your decision.

I just think anyone can be a hero

if they're trying to make life better for other people.

And as you pointed out,

this would be all people who exist or ever will exist,

in every possible universe.

If I do this, we could end up in a much worse situation

than what we have right now.

There are no bad situations as long as I'm with you.

- Your cud tastes great. - Right back at you, baby.

- Stuart Bloom? - Yes, sir.

You want to sign for this?

- Gary. - All day long.

- Denise, look. It's Gary. - I see.

- Do I know you guys? - We were married in another universe.

Didn't work out.

There's also another version of you who knew another version of her.

- Uh-huh. - But he's dead.

I hate this job.

Look, this one came with instructions.

- Oh, really? - And a warranty.

"Congratulations on your purchase of an interdimensional transport device."

- It's got Bluetooth. - Now, I don't understand.

If Bert and Barry took the device, how is there another one?

Let me look.

"Don't use near water."

"Caution. Small parts, choking hazard."

Okay, here we go.

"This is a quantum echo of the original device."

"It both exists and does not exist."

"And when activated, it will merge with the original device."

You know, I'm just gonna stop asking questions.

Let's go.

Just one more thing. Kyle, Trevor. Denise and I are gonna leave this universe

'cause I'm on a mission

to prevent the destruction of reality itself.

- Okay. - Sure, yeah.

You really don't have any questions?

I got one. This Batman #608 has a water stain.

Any flexibility on price?

No. Goodbye, guys.

I think you can just take it.

Yeah, wight. Give it a west.

Give it a rest? Are you crazy?

- What is happening? - We're falling.

Yeah, we got that! What kind of universe is this?

I don't think we made it to another universe.

I think we're stuck between universes.

What exists between universes?

Best guess?

Sort of an interdimensional taint?

Think of it like being stuck

between the balls of one universe and the asshole of another.

You're disgusting! Get us out of here!

We tried. The machine is not working.

Because you haven't been chosen to save the universe!

Oh, and you have?

- Denise, tell 'em! - It's true! He's him!

Think of me like Neo, or maybe Jesus.

Oh, Jesus? Really? Just push the button!

Everything looks normal.

What'd you say?

I said it looks normal.

Your mouth isn't moving.

Neither is yours.

I think we're hearing each other's thoughts.

That's gonna be a big pwoblem for me.

Why?

Why what?

Why is it gonna be a big problem?

My mother bathed me till I was 12.

Damn it!