Original subtitles

What are you doing?

What?

You're eating my ficus.

Oh, look at that.

It's really good.

Setting aside the fact that you're eating my ficus sounds dirty, you're

eating his ficus.

Oh, it's delicious.

Here, try it.

No. No.

Mm-hmm.

It smells good.

Take a bite.

Oh, my God.

Right? This is unbelievable.

What's happening?

You've got to try this.

You're kidding.

Just try it.

This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth, and I've put some crazy

shit in my mouth.

I think I know what's going on.

I'll tell you what's going on. This is the most...

What is happening? I believe you're chewing your cud.

She's what-ing her what? The human body is a miracle.

We have four stomachs, just like our ancestors.

The cows.

That's ridiculous.

How could we be descended from...

Cows. All

right. This universe is stupid. Push that button and let's get...

Yum.

Doing a little research, it turns out this universe is pretty close to ours

before the apocalypse. A couple of differences.

Baseball doesn't have a DH rule, and they don't have sketch or split bins.

That's a drag.

Are you weaving anything out there, buddy?

Let's see.

Oh, okay.

John Cougar is still John Cougar. He never went back to Mellencamp.

We have four stomachs and two are cud.

Cud. Not just for breakfast anymore.

All right, we have Kentucky bluegrass.

Oh, that's me. Smells delicious.

Who had the tall fed queue?

Me.

Bermuda for the gentleman.

Wow. Thank you. And the clover for the lady.

Bon appetit.

Hey, guys, I'm going to

throw something out there.

Why don't we just stay in this reality?

What happened to you saving the universe?

I know, but I mean, let's be honest. Were any of us really clear on how that

was supposed to work?

Not really.

Right. And yeah, this place isn't perfect.

But there's no evil computers. No one's getting burned at the stake.

You really want to stay here?

Why not? I mean, we can't get the hang of that stupid machine. Every place we

go turns out to be dangerous.

Well, that place was nice. I almost married a woman who thought I was

beautiful.

Yeah. And then there was a violent riot and we had to flee for our lives.

Every rose has thorns, Stuart.

I wonder what a rose would taste like.

Thank you.

How was everything?

Excellent. Amazing.

Did you save room for dessert?

Chef just got in some corn.

Corn? You trying to fatten us up? A little. But it's worth it. Fine. One

large corn for the table.

So what would we do if we stayed here?

I would run a comic book store. You'd work with me. Bert would be a geologist.

And Christy would be an asshole.

An asshole's more of a hobby than a vocation.

Maybe we could even get married.

Are you... proposing?

Depends. Are you...

Accepting. I've always imagined this moment, but with vomit in my mouth.

Well, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.

Just think about it.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

That was really great.

Yeah.

In the middle there, did you moo?

I did.

You made me moo.

I think it's the vegetarian diet.

I'm more peppy.

You sure are. I worked up an appetite.

You want some hay? I've got some hay.

Yeah, okay.

You know, I was thinking about what you said at dinner.

And?

I think we could be happy here.

People are really nice.

The food's great. I hear the health care's terrific.

One more reason to call this home.

Sorry.

Yeah? It's me and Kripke. Can we talk?

Not a good time.

Or just come in. We don't want to stay in Cowtown.

Why not?

We did pretty good in those other universes.

I had sex in three out of five of them. And granted, one was with Gary, but he's

a very generous lover.

If you're not going to use the Leonard Sheldon device, we want to hit the road.

Twio walks somewhere else.

What do you think?

They take the machine, we're here forever.

I'm okay with that.

It's all yours.

Thank you.

So, uh, I guess this is goodbye.

I guess so.

Listen, I know I haven't been the best traveling companion.

And?

And what?

Goodbye, Kripke.

Okay. Bye, Bert. Bye.

I'm actually gonna miss them.

Yeah.

Think you got one more move in you? Only one way to find out.

You know what you're doing?

I am a world renowned physicist. I am perfectly capable of traversing

interdimensional realities.

You see a bottom?

No. What's that tell you?

We're falling to our deaths eventually.

Or not.

So now what?

I don't know. I'm thinking through.

Anything? Nope.

No, that's just screaming.

Yeah, I guess so.

I hope we made the right decision.

I think we did. Beautiful world.

Ooh,

salt lick. Come to mama.

Two, please.

Oh,

so good.

Am I tasting sea salt?

It's Himalayan.

Oh, yeah.

There's the mountain.

Everybody, listen to me.

The universe is collapsing.

We're running out of time.

We must take action before it's too late.

No one is safe.

Ignore me all you want, but it's coming for you. The end times are near, people.

It's Raj. He's not dead here. That's nice.

Oh, you think you can go on living your little lives in little houses?

It's coming for you.

It's coming for all of you.

Raj.

What? What are you doing?

What does it look like?

To be honest, paranoid schizophrenia.

Be right back.

Are you familiar with the galaxy GNZ11?

Um, no.

No. It's the most distant galaxy the Hubble telescope can see. And guess

what? Don't bother. It's a rhetorical question. The whole damn thing.

Gone. How can a galaxy disappear?

You sure the Hubble telescope doesn't have some schmutz on it? It's the

Hubble. It doesn't have schmutz. Schmutz happens to everything.

Listen to me. It's not just GNZ-11.

It's the Triangulum Galaxy and the Hyperion Protosupercluster. Oh, no.

Why, oh, no. Oh, yay, sounded wrong.

I've tried calling and warning everyone, JPL, NASA, the White House.

You know what they said to me? They said I was crazy.

Really? You screamed that the universe was coming to an end to the lady that

answers the phone at the White House and she didn't take you seriously?

Entire star systems at the edge of the universe are disappearing.

Which means... Sorry, all I got is schmutz. It means there isn't much time

before everything we know and love is gone.

How much time are we talking about?

Not a lot, guys.

Three to four hundred years.

Oh, buddy, even if you're right, we'll all be dead. Who cares?

Who cares?

I'll tell you who cares. Your great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great

grandchildren. Oh, no.

One more great.

Grandchildren? We haven't really talked about starting a... family.

Maybe we should.

Clock's ticking.

Don't you get it? The universe is ending, and there's nothing we can do

about it.

Nothing? Not a damn thing.

Okay, well... Good to see ya.

Good to see ya.

Good luck with all this... thing.

Okay.

Shit! It didn't work.

I know.

And shit.

Want to play a game?

What?

You don't pass the time.

You're kidding.

When I was a kid on car trips, my mom and I would play 20 questions.

I'm not playing 20 questions while we're falling through an endless void.

Okay.

Okay, screw it. I got one.

Great.

Is this something you eat?

No.

I give up.

Did you lock the door?

I thought I did.

It's about time.

What are you doing here? What's it look like? I'm waiting for you.

Do what?

Yeah.

Sorry, go ahead.

Uh, Denise, this is the other me I told you about.

Hey. Hey.

So you want to explain to me why you gave the Leonard Sheldon thingy to Bert

and Kripke?

Uh, well, we decided to stay here.

Oh, okay, cool. We decided to stay here. It's great. I don't have to save the

universe. I can just chew my frickin' cud.

Arthur, he was kind of a dick.

Okay.

You know what? I'm going to explain this as simply as I can.

Because you are entangled with the primary incident of divergence at a

quantum level, you are

inextricably bound to the potential resolution of the fragmentation of the

multistate universe.

You get what I'm saying?

You're the only one who can save the universe.

Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to. You have to.

Is there someone else I can talk to? Like my manager?

I'm a projection from a collapsing adjacent reality.

Does that sound like someone who has a manager?

Maybe not a manager, but there must have been someone who told you what time to

come in today.

Look, even if I wanted to save the universe, I don't have the device

anymore.

So order another one.

How can there be another one? How can this conversation be happening?

You're not listening to me. I'm done with the Leonard Sheldon thingy and the

universe hopping and you.

Mostly you.

Don't.

Let me talk to you.

That was great.

I had a teacher.

Mr. Marinelli.

He's the one who inspired me to start a geology club.

It didn't really catch on at first.

It was me and Karen Hartman and Larry O'Malley.

He had a twin brother.

Can't remember his name.

Rhymed with Larry.

Like Barry or Harry.

Oh, God, just let me hit the ground.

Gary, Gary O'Malley. That's it.

I knew I'd remember it.

Shrub hub.

Makes sense.

Shrub hub.

Who's ready for Japanese food?

Me, me. The only downside to the whole four stomach thing is I'm constantly

hungry. I know.

Mmm, bonsai.

Thank you.

Do you think that I'm wrong for

bailing out on the whole...

Save the universe thing.

Doesn't matter what I think. What do you think?

It'd be different if I signed up for it.

But I didn't, so I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong.

Living my own life, making my own choices.

Okay.

And besides, nothing really happens for hundreds of years.

True.

I'm not sure there'd be an infinite number of lives lost or never even born

across an infinite number of universes.

Now, how's that my problem? It most certainly is not. Thank you. Unless you

want it to be.

So you think I should do it?

I didn't say that.

Denise, I'm not a hero. I'm a broke-ass, failed artist who owns a comic book

store.

In fact, I'm such a failure, in every universe we go to, I own a comic book

store. No argument.

You can argue a little.

Stuart, this is your decision.

I just think anyone can be a hero if they're trying to make life better for

other people.

And as you pointed out, this would be all people who exist or ever will exist

in every possible universe.

If I do this, we could end up in a much worse situation than what we have right

now. There are no bad situations as long as I'm with you.

Your cud tastes great.

Right back at you, baby.

Stuart Bloom?

Yes, sir.

You want a sign for this?

Gary! All day long.

Denise, look.

It's Gary.

I see.

Do I know you guys?

We were married in another universe.

Didn't work out. There's also another version of you who knew another version

of her.

Uh-huh. But he's dead.

Mm.

I hate this job.

Oh.

Look, this one came with instructions. Oh, really?

And a warranty.

Congratulations on your purchase of an interdimensional transport device.

Ooh, it's got Bluetooth.

Now, I don't understand.

If Burton Berry took the device, how is there another one? Uh, let me look.

Don't use near water, caution small parts choking hazard.

Okay, here we go.

This is a quantum echo of the original device.

It both exists and does not exist.

And when activated, it will merge with the original device.

You know, I'm just going to stop asking questions. Let's go.

Oh, uh, just one more thing. Kyle?

Trevor, Denise and I are going to leave this universe because I'm on a mission

to prevent the destruction of reality itself.

Okay. You really don't have any questions?

I got one.

This Batman 608 has a water stain.

Any flexibility on price?

No. Goodbye, guys.

I think you can just take it.

I don't think we made it to another universe. I think we're stuck between

universes.

Best guess, sort of an interdimensional tape.

Think of it like being stuck between the balls of one universe and the asshole of

another.

Oh, Jesus, really? Disgusting!

Everything

looks

normal.

What'd you say?

I said it looks normal.

Your mouth isn't moving.

Neither is yours.

I think we're hearing each other's thoughts.

That's going to be a big problem for me.

Why?

Why what?

Why is it going to be a big problem?

My mother bathed me until I was 12.

Damn it!

I used to live, live in a psychic city.

I never knew what would happen in a day.

I might be looking out the window.

And a friend might think.

Come on over, over. Come on over, over.

Come on over, we're having a party for you. Come on over, over.

Come on over, over.

Come on over, we're having a party for you.

Ayayayaya! Ayayayaya!