Original subtitles

Is she watching?

She'll be watching.

That's why net curtains were invented.

If she asks, what are we supposed to be looking for?

Something female.

A lady's earring?

That should do it.

Shh!

Why have you been avoiding me, Cleggy? You don't answer my calls.

How long have you been in there?

Have you got food and water?

Suppose I didn't come to the bin?

You always come at this time.

Are you telling me that I'm a creature of habit?

You could set your clock by it.

Well, there you go!

People say it's amazing what you can learn from the contents of your wheelie bin.

Aargh!

I'm sorry I shouted at you, Travis.

Now come out.

You can sulk indoors!

Do come out, Travis, before the word gets round that I keep you in a shed.

Travis...

The Crowcroft Challenge?

We thought we'd give it a whack.

When he says "we", of course, he means HE thought he'd give it a whack.

He opened his big gob in the pub last night.

I had a little drink taken.

You should have shut me up.

I know that now, but at the time I was as mellow as you were.

The Crowcroft Challenge.

To go from Morton to Thackley in a straight line...

as the crow flies...

over all obstacles.

Any proceeds to charity.

Often attempted but never successfully completed

since Squire Crowcroft first issued the challenge in 1827.

Must have been a good year for idiots.

The general feeling is that one has to be an idiot to even attempt it.

You're in, Alvin. You've got the qualifications.

The last person to attempt it was a Mr Marsden.

He collapsed with heat exhaustion and was rushed to hospital.

Obviously a wimp! Should have stuck to his needlework.

That sounds more you, needlework.

The secret's in the training.

They say the costume is the real burden.

The Crowcroft Challenge!

I think it shows a wonderful spirit.

Not to mention lack of judgment.

Nobody's perfect.

MUSIC: "Sing A Song Of Sixpence"

He'll make a bog of it.

Well, yes, probably. But I suggest we don't interfere.

Obviously the secret is to pick the best route.

Fewest obstacles.

So you ARE determined to interfere?

It should be good for a laugh.

Not for him. No, not for him.

But I don't see why we shouldn't enjoy it.

I thought legs looked familiar. It's Alvin.

Ain't nobody here but us crows.

Don't be shy. If you want to dress up in feathers, I won't tell.

It's a challenge.

I can see where it would be.

Especially on public transport.

You want lift? I thought you'd never ask.

I bet he's got lost.

He has a map.

Oh, well, that's it then. Definitely lost.

He should never have been allowed to wander off without being accompanied by an adult.

If only we knew one.

That is not something I would like to see perched on my clothes line.

I suppose you can't grumble if it's for charity.

Since when have you not been able to grumble?

I like to keep in practice.

Are you sure you need the practice?

Why did Squire Crowcroft insist on this?

Because, clearly, Squire Crowcroft was a man of a humorous turn of mind

who should have been strangled at birth.

Or even later!

Where's your map? There's a pocket under the tail.

You're on your own then. I'm not fishing about under there.

It's at times like this you learn who your friends are.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah. Cleggy...

KNOCK ON DOOR, DOORBELL RINGS

You've got your key. Why are you standing there?

Am I standing here?

Yes, I suppose technically I'm standing here.

Come in. Before somebody thinks I'm having strange gentlemen callers. I can do that.

I can do strange gentleman caller. I can do anything.

How about this for strange?

Stop that! Suppose you stayed like that? I'd have to keep you in the cellar.

I'm flying high, babe. I'm not the cellar type.

Why did you ring the doorbell?

It's a day for bells.

Have you lost your key? Key?

It's the metal thing you open the door with. I have keys.

I have keys for every occasion.

Today I found the key to life.

To golf, actually, but for many of us it comes a close second.

What happened to golf that made it so special?

I happened to golf.

I, me...Mr Perfect Swing.

I found the secret.

It's the elbow.

I'm very happy you've got a secret elbow.

I was magnificent.

People who never spoke to me before said "hi".

That's it?

"Hi"? Dwayne Dobbs, who's reputed to be a millionaire, called me Barry.

Wasn't he the one who went to prison?

Only a nice one.

Oh, and the Captain...

the Captain nodded at me.

Just nodded?

He didn't turn away muttering.

He didn't look at me like he'd just had to wipe me off his shoes.

He saw me...and he nodded.

It's not like you've been blessed by the pope.

Close.

Are you sure competitors can pick their own route and go absolutely anywhere?

Anywhere between Morton and Thackley.

Oh, that's my idea of a challenge.

I like the flexibility.

Mm...and we know why you like the flexibility.

Here, now...you pick your own route,

you fix the compass bearing and you follow it without moving off it.

I can do that.

You've never kept to a straight line in your life.

I don't know why people say that.

You can't go round any obstacles.

You either go over or under, or straight through.

You keep to a straight line.

Exactly as the crow flies.

I expect there are people who cheat.

They'll all be under the supervision of an umpire.

You mean you have to have some busybody with you?

You mean people can't trust the word of a gentleman? Look at him.

Don't you just hate it when the crow next door gets all gloomy?

Now. With regard to staff training...

How long have we had staff training?

You're getting some now if you'd shut up a minute.

All businesses at the cutting edge of modern retailing

are required to set aside time for staff training.

Can't we do it sitting down?

No, you can't do it sitting down.

Do you think Marks and Spencer's do it sitting down?

You'll be sitting down enough now you've got the new vehicle.

New vehicle?

It's better than pushing a cart.

BELL JANGLES

I was wondering if you had another crow costume. For you?

You'd need padding to be a blackbird.

Only joking. I'm sure we can transform you into an acceptable crow.

And while I'm here, I might as well pick up another one for a friend.

Guess who for.

What size? Oh, I can't say, really.

Not with any precision. I don't know him all that well.

THEY LAUGH

Is he entering the Crowcroft Challenge as well?

You might know... anything loopy and he's there.

I've warned him. The first cat's going to have him.

I wish Travis would go loopy occasionally.

He must do sometimes, surely?

He once fell off a sideboard.

That's about as wild as it gets.

You've got a treasure there.

What was he doing on a sideboard?

I never asked.

If he wants to be on a sideboard, who am I to interfere?

But didn't he leave marks on the sideboard?

He's very considerate.

I would never have allowed mine on the sideboard.

He was like Howard.

He could barely reach the sideboard.

Right, now. That's your bearing.

You stay on it at all times.

We'll go by road and meet you at Point B.

Where the heck's Point B?

It's on the map. You marked it.

Oh, right. That Point B.

I can see I'm in good hands(!)

Don't get your feathers in a fuss.

Right. Off you go.

They're going to get lost. We'll never see them again.

How can they get lost?

They've got map and compass.

I just have this feeling.

Two skeletons somewhere on the moors.

Alvin could find his way to the nearest pub blindfold.

It's finding his way home again he's not so good at.

And if they do go missing, who's going to report it?

Can you imagine somebody asking for a description?

Look at this.

Been celebrating. Since last week, I guess.

SIREN SOUNDS

Ahhhh!

That's better.

He wasn't safe on the road.

Who called the ambulance?

I think it's marvellous you got here so quick.

Where do you live?

Where's home?

Home?

I demand a second opinion. I am not going home in this condition.

My wife doesn't understand me.

I'm not surprised.

You talk like your jaw's been wired.

Yes, I noticed that.

You don't think it's fatal?

I think it's called being disgustingly drunk.

Thank you, that's a relief.

Call me sentimental, but you run a very fine taxi service.

Hold on. You wait there.

Certainly.

The last one was sick in the car.

I'm not going through that again.

What are we going to do with him?

He's not safe on the road.

I suggest we throw him over the wall.

It's for his own good.

He'll be safer in the field.

ENTWISTLE: Funny how life turns out.

They say at school... what you want to be?

I say multi-millionaire.

CLEGG: Maybe they had no vacancies.

TRUELOVE: You should have worn a tie.

CLEGG: I committed suicide on leaving school.

Well, almost.

I became a Lino salesman,

which is as close as you can get without a gun or a rope.

You didn't like Lino?

How can you like Lino?

It's cold, it cracks, it smells.

People used to put it in their bathrooms.

Which were already the coldest places on earth.

That's why we never had fridges.

The English bathroom was just as good.

Could this be why people went to Africa, India? Absolutely.

We had to colonise the world.

Cold Lino was the driving force behind the Empire.

People would go anywhere to avoid it.

Hey! There they are.

I thought we were going by road. You're getting the scenic route.

I demand a recount.

Hey, look!

OK, forget recount.

What do you make of that then? They're not sparrows, that's for sure.

What is it? Can anybody look?

If you're seeing things like that, you must be as drunk as I am!

Go and wait by the car.

You can't miss it. It's got "Police" all over it.

What d'you think?

CAR ENGINE STARTS

How do we get through this then?

Well...

..take a run and a jump.

We'll never clear that.

Have you tried? Dressed like this?

Why don't you try flapping wings?

Have you tried not flapping your lip?

I always say...

if at first you don't succeed...

it's time to go home.

But that, of course, is the philosophy of a Lino salesman.

Did you ever sell much Lino with that philosophy?

Well, no, not really, no.

My colleague was often caught with his finger up his nose.

It kept the faithful at bay.

I think I knew him. Did he have big nose?

He was working on it.

Can we get back to our problem here?

We could take these things off, crawl through and put them back on.

Won't do. Breach of rules.

We'll have to improvise.

Aaargh!

CRASH!

How are we going to explain this one?

It'll have to be something creative.

How far have you got?

Armed gang.

I like it so far.

Go on.

After a desperate struggle we were overcome.

We had them worried though, didn't we?

They'll think twice about pinching our police car again.

We're in some deep clag, aren't we?

It's not looking good, is it?

I remember the fuss they made when we lost a door mirror.

One door mirror.

No!

We can't pack up at the first obstacle.

Works for me.

Of course you can't pack in.

Plan B.

Use your wings for balance.

Just be careful where you're shoving.

At this rate I may never lay again.

Where's this pocket he's supposed to have? That's not a pocket.

Stop poking about!

Where I've been today, I don't wish to be widely known.

Push! He's slipping back.

There's no brake pads on these feet.

Get your shoulders behind him.

There's more behind than shoulders.

I think I found pocket. Wrong!

Aargh! Watch it! Watch it!

Are you going golfing again?

That's twice today.

I'm hot, Glenda.

I'm like a fluid golfing machine.

I've got to use it while I've got it.

Are you always going to be leaving me twice a day?

No! No, it's just that today is special.

The captain nodded at me.

Stay home. I'll nod at you.

Glenda!

I'm on the brink of greatness.

You're on the brink of a sharp reduction in your quality of life.

DOOR SLAMS

Right, Entwistle, back it up.

Come on. As you go...

Straighten it up, come on, that's it. Wait, wait! Hold it! That's it.

Problem solved.

You climb onto the truck, on the planks and jump over the hedge.

But what's at the other side?

Freedom.

You're back on target again.

This is not best view of crow.

Just don't be looking for any more pockets.

I think we were faster on the handcart.

I don't like racing about.

Well, we've got the ideal vehicle for not racing about.

It's better than pushing.

Now what?

I don't know, but I don't think it's a speeding ticket.

Did you have a ladies' coffee morning when you lived away?

They were compulsory.

The coffee was all right, but the preparation was tiring.

What did you have to prepare?

Your dialogue. You were expected to be word perfect

in whatever it was you were going to swank about.

What happened if you didn't bother preparing?

Then you were condemned just to listen to what the others were swanking about.

I think I've been to one of those.

Not here, you haven't. No, not here.

It was the wife of a colleague of Barry's.

Showing her holiday films. Went on forever.

I think her tan had nearly worn off by the time it was over.

They get tanned in places you never used to see.

Oil and heat.

They look like roast potatoes.

Roast potatoes were a no-no where we were.

The rule of thumb for healthy living was...

if it tastes good it's going to kill you.

I could kill him next door.

I think he's got a woman in.

He pulls your leg.

He was on his hands and knees with Truly looking for an earring.

They're having you on.

I don't see why he should think I'm interested in whether he has a woman in or not.

Is he a womaniser?

Aren't they all?

What about Norman Clegg?

All right. Aren't they all except for Norman Clegg.

My Wally wasn't a womaniser.

And we don't have to look far to see what put him off.

I sometimes think golf is as big a threat to a marriage.

At least they have to keep score.

They soon learn how good they are at it.

With women even the worst players think they're ready for turning pro.

Travis shows no signs of interest in women or golf.

It isn't as though he's on any form of medication.

Well, he takes an aspirin occasionally, but I can't see that wiping out his deepest instincts.

Perhaps he hasn't got any deepest instincts.

They've all got deepest instincts.

What do you think the honeymoons are for?

You've got the best part of a week to cure them of any ambitions in that direction.

I enjoyed my honeymoon.

I enjoyed mine.

It only rained one day.

Cakes? Ooh...

SIREN BLARES

HORN TOOTS

RADIO: Patrol car 37, will you come in, please?

Can't you get a bit more va-va-voom out of this thing?

It's going flat out.

Hope I don't get thorns in my eyes.

Pull your visors down then.

TYRES SCREECH

CRASH!

How do, Barry?

How's it going, Barry?

I've never seen them before.

I don't know anybody who looks like that.

I hope you're having more fun than me, Barry.

We forgot the crisps.

YOU forgot the crisps. I forgot the nuts.

Did you see that? See what?

The two crows. Crows?

Carrying a tray of drinks.

Lager or bitter?

Hands up, anyone see two crows carrying tray?

I think he needs a drink.

I'm giving it up.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.