Original subtitles

What do you want?

I want two or three of those buns you're making.

You can want on.

They're not for consuming on the premises.

They're my entries for the Stockley Show.

You are looking at the northern hemisphere's premier bun taster.

You'd be unwise to miss this opportunity for having your buns thoroughly tested.

I'll bring you one back if you're lucky. Ah...

I prefer them fresh from the oven. They're at their peak right now.

Which is more than can be said for you! You're a hard woman.

Are there no exceptions for persons that you have a very close relationship with?

I have none of those kinds of relationships with anybody.

If you're going to keep baking like that, perhaps you might like to reconsider?

Howard?

It is! It's Howard.

Oh, dear.

Look at the time.

I wish we could stop. Hey.

Aren't you going to introduce me to the lady?

This is Wanda.

Nice to see you, Wanda.

Herbert Truelove. Good morning, Wanda.

Nice to meet you, Mr Truelove.

Can't stop. Hey.

What's the gallop all of a sudden?

He was always impulsive.

She exaggerates.

We never got as far as impulsive.

You little devil. You know you left your bicycle pump, Howard!

You left your bicycle pump?

I don't remember leaving a bicycle pump.

Is she the only one?

Maybe you left a trail of bicycle pumps.

I deny that.

How long do we keep this up?

Till we feel fit. OK, I feel fit.

Me too.

I told you we'd soon feel the benefit.

Feels a lot like being exhausted.

They say it's good for you.

You think maybe they lie?

They say it gets better.

Better than this, not difficult.

What?

You look... What?

I'm at a loss for words.

Try "attractive".

That's it. You look attractive.

You don't need to act as if it's a miracle. I've done it before.

Well, yes...before.

But don't you think you're getting a bit old for attractive?

The way you're going, you'll not be getting much older.

I just think that's a bit overdressed for Stockley Show.

Do you want me to go looking like a bag lady?

I like you looking like a bag lady.

I feel more comfy with you looking like a bag lady.

You are within 0.1% of a painful death.

I just think you're overdoing it for a baking competition.

There's a bit too much fancy decoration, if you want my opinion.

Your opinion? You don't have opinions.

You have hot flushes. And you follow them anywhere.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

That's a wasted line on somebody who's seen you with your shirt off.

What time will you be back?

I'll be back when I'm back. Why?

Just planning ahead.

It's a man thing.

I know what kind of thing it is.

What are you planning ahead?

As a matter of fact, despite all your suspicions,

I shall be testing myself to the limits of physical endurance.

Does that mean I can stop warming your pyjamas?

I didn't ask you to warm by pyjamas.

No, you got your mother to ask me.

You can stop if it's too much trouble.

And waste all that excitement?

And where will you be testing yourself to the limits of endurance?

On a training hike with Entwistle and Tom.

We're going cross-country.

It's a paratrooper thing.

SHE LAUGHS

Howard and Wanda?

Bit of previous there.

He looked a mite guilty.

That was almost the equivalent of being engaged.

Very free with his accessories, that Howard.

Was she pleased to see him?

I don't think he'd have any trouble leaving another pump.

Isn't it amazing how far you can get with a good bicycle?

I don't remember the woman.

She was a Teasdale.

She married some lump who traded her in for something younger.

It's funny how so few of them prefer age and experience.

How does she look these days?

Hungry. Bit of a predator.

I would say she's looking for love,

or even something like Howard. How hungry can you get?

She's dyed her hair jet black.

I thought it was a helmet.

But Howard recognised her? He went quite white.

You could see his love life flashing before his eyes.

There must have been something there at one time.

It can't be easy being Howard.

You've got the ambitions of an Errol Flynn, but only a bicycle.

Do you think Pearl remembers Wanda?

I'm not sure she remembers Howard.

He's always missing.

Here's your coffee, Barry. Oh, thank you.

There's plenty in the fridge for your lunch. I've wrapped it in cling film.

There's no greater love than having stuff wrapped in cling film.

It shows I care. You're a good lass.

You only ever had one fault,

and that was your mother. That's not fair.

You know she loved you.

She gave me socks for Christmas.

Only once. That's all it took.

They were so thick they never wore out. She gave me permanent socks.

She always bought things to last.

And you had to wear them. She used to check.

"Is he wearing my socks?"

Where are they, by the way?

I gave them to Oxfam.

I think they made four houses out of them.

How do I look? I'm off. You look fine.

You look like you're married to someone with normal socks.

It's just his head that's woolly.

Will you be all right? I'll be fine.

I don't want you being fine. I'd rather you missed me.

I'm missing you already, but go and have a day out with the ladies.

I've plenty to do right here. It'll give me a chance to catch up.

I wish I could wrap you in cling film and know you were all right.

That's a very saucy idea.

Are you sure you're really in the mood for a baking competition? Oh!

Oh, Barry.

Ooh.

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

I can't bear the sight of human suffering.

Oh, you get used to it.

I'll show wife.

She thinks I'm not fit.

I used to be able to do more than that.

I used to be Iron Man Alvin.

Oh? You used to do the ironing?

I still do the ironing. But with a big iron.

It's my intention to have muscles like Nora Batty.

We look for special tingle that comes from fighting fit. We go cross-country.

Entwistle's going for a tingle.

This is serious. Wife stronger than me.

They usually are.

At Kung Fu?

Stick with us. We'll have you fit again.

With us? Who else is going cross-country?

Just Howard.

Howard has started playing with the boys?

When Pearl's going to be away at the Stockley Show!

We'll believe that when we see it.

It was his idea.

It's a paratrooper thing.

I'm leaving you in charge.

I hate leaving you in charge.

So why am I leaving you in charge?

Because you've got nobody else.

Correct. You see what a pickle I'm in?

Relax. Go and enjoy yourself.

Enjoy? It's business.

Enjoy is for people who are only fit to be customers.

Don't you know how to enjoy yourself?

Look who's talking!

I have my moments.

When? When have you had a moment? Er... Er...

Oh, don't bother. Just concentrate on minding the store.

I bet I think of one when you're gone.

If you ever go. I'm going.

Are you sure you can manage?

You keep asking that.

And you keep failing to convince me.

I can manage.

I'm still not convinced.

Go. Get off to the show.

Enjoy yourself.

I'm not going for pleasure.

It's for business.

I want to spread the word about our new improvements.

What new improvements?

I'll think of something.

Ready when you are. Let's be off.

Great little mover once wife away.

He'll slow down when he's done a few miles.

I've seen these toyboys before.

Never seen one like that.

Fine body of men. It gets you right here.

The thought that in this quiet corner of England, genuine doziness is alive and well.

I've never seen Howard so keen on male company.

It's the paratrooper thing.

Guess who's going to be first to bail out.

They're just his alibi.

I bet he plans to lose them and just sneak away.

Where to?

Truly of the Yard will make it his business to find out.

Intrude on his privacy?

What a good idea. What did you have in mind?

Be as sneaky as he is.

Trust me, I'm fully trained.

Oh!

It begins to feel like I'm the only one not going to the show.

There's plenty of room for you.

Thank you, but I'm spoken for.

I have another engagement.

I used to have those kind of other engagements.

And then life wears you down until you end up with only a bun tin.

I never thought to see you clutching a bun tin.

I know. There was a time when I was a free spirit,

emotionally carefree, beyond the reach of baking.

What are you entering?

My fruit scones.

There are those who would scarcely believe in a connection

between Lucinda Davenport and home-baked fruit scones.

I used to be a creature of sparkle and light.

I've let a few sparklers off myself.

Actually, I quite enjoy baking.

One gets fewer burns from an oven than from men.

True, although it's a while since I've had any blisters.

Good luck with your scones.

You'll be up against some fierce competition. I'm not afraid.

You don't need a ring on your finger to do all that a wife can.

That's always been my opinion.

And don't be giving any discounts without calling me.

You've got this number.

SHE SIGHS I wrote it down.

SHE TUTS Oh!

What have you done?

Why is your nose bleeding?

Travis, why have you hit your nose with a coat hanger?

You were hanging your suit away?

I hope you're not bleeding in the wardrobe.

Well, where are you bleeding?

Travis, you're breaking up. I can't hear you.

I ought to get Howard a phone.

Although he's often where you wouldn't expect good reception.

Travis? Travis?

What has Miss Davenport got in them tins?

I expect it's buns.

She must be entering.

Do they allow unmarried buns?

You've gone.

You've gone altogether. Travis.

If you can hear me, don't bleed indoors.

Take a turn round the garden.

CHIMING

Just a minute!

I'm sure I can find a minute for any legitimate purpose.

He was the, "Just a minute." I'm just backup.

I'm glad we spotted you.

Actually, we were just looking for you.

For me? He was looking the hardest.

You're quite shy.

We have so much in common.

What we have is a message for you from Howard.

How nice!

Whoever he is. "Make sure she's got the right instructions," he said.

"Make sure the lady knows exactly where we're supposed to meet."

The lady knows.

He's told me three times already.

He's even drawn me a plan.

X marks the spot.

Although I don't think that implies anything significant.

Yes, that's it.

You've got it. Well done.

Come along. Come along.

Hold your puff. We're pacing ourselves.

Fitter than he looks.

He's going like a ferret.

Must be all that ground he covers with Marina.

She's kept him fit.

I expect she's more fun than lifting weights.

Nora Batty's more fun than lifting weights.

You think so?

It's purely guesswork, you understand.

DOOR BELL BUZZES

You realise this is a very wicked thing to do to Howard.

Yes, isn't it!

I really must give you credit where it's due.

Don't stand there. Come in.

I get so lonely.

Loneliness could soon be a thing of the past.

We have a message from Howard.

From Howard?

I thought he seemed as if he didn't want to know me.

You knocked him for six.

Triggered all those powerful memories.

I expect he was the victim of his own raging emotions.

Chewed his handkerchief all the way home. His best handkerchief.

He chewed his handkerchief...for me?

I was there. I was touched.

All fire and raw nerves. You know how he is.

Actually, I was a bit disappointed.

I remembered him as...bigger.

He is bigger. You'd be surprised.

How can he be bigger?

That's what we said. It's uncanny.

I've never seen a man change so.

He wants to meet you.

It's all very sudden.

I don't know what to say.

But where?

X marks the spot.

What are we going to do now? I don't know...

What's that for?

Security.

Why do we need security?

Not yours. Ours.

I'm under orders not to let anybody get away.

The last one was here two hours before he bought anything.

And then it was rubbish.

The speciality of the house.

You did well there.

It's all very well locking customers in.

What about the ones who might want to get in?

A bird in the hand.

What can we do for you?

This lady requires some camouflage-pattern clothing.

Will he like me in camouflage clothing?

He once said to me, "I can't resist a good woman in camouflage clothing."

He said that? It stuck in my mind.

I remember as if it was yesterday.

It WAS yesterday. Well, there you are, you see.

Cam-ou-flage... She needs exactly the same kind as Howard got for Marina.

For Marina...

ENGINE RUMBLES

Come on, lad.

I was hoping for a good day's work with no disturbances, Mr Truelove.

Very commendable, lad, but this is for a lady in distress.

How much distress? I won't get any blood in the car, will I?

This is more emotional than physical.

The worst that can happen is your glasses steaming up.

That can be dangerous. You can't see clearly.

That's what emotion is for, lad, to stop you seeing clearly.

What?

Just a minute. That's two "just a minutes" in one day.

You're looking well, Barry. I ought to be working.

If ever you need secretarial assistance, I have a full range of pencils.

Barry is computerised. It's true.

I'm basically a keyboard person.

Well, if ever you get bored with your keys,

I hope you'll give pencils a chance.

I'm glad we caught you.

There's been a change of plan.

We have a message from Howard.

The name sounds familiar.

He wants you to meet him here by the stream.

Oh, the stream!

I always think it's so much more environmentally friendly, by the stream.

Thank you, kind sirs.

Remember, my pencil is always at your disposal, Barry.

I think my glasses are steaming up.

Howard!

Howard!

I thought he was with you.

I thought he was with you.

Going too fast.

Maybe wheel came off.

You don't think the effort's been too much for him?

Maybe we've overstretched him. He didn't look overstretched.

He looked better than we did.

That's it, you see. Tried too hard.

He's overdone it. He's probably lying somewhere in a coma.

How's your First Aid? I can do wasp stings.

Is that it? Wasp stings?

It's to be hoped he's lying somewhere stung then, isn't it?

Or is it bee stings?

You need vinegar for one, something else for the other.

Vinegar? That's for fish and chips.

You don't think he's lying somewhere heavily battered?

I think he could have had massive heart attack, or could be dead.

I'm glad I asked!

PHONE RINGS

You have reached the limits of human endurance.

There's no one here to take your call,

but leave a message after the tone.

Beep!

It's Truly.

..Right. What does he want?

He wants me to meet a lady by a stream.

Which stream?

Which lady?

He didn't say.

Except she's a big fan of mine.

It's my Barry.

Some psychic intuition must have told him I was stranded.

On the other hand, of course, it could be he was just passing.

I don't know why we're parked here,

it's boring. It's because it's boring, that's why we're here. Trust me.

You've lost me.

We're here because we're anticipating trouble.

That's what we do, isn't it?

That's our duty. Anticipating trouble.

Out here? Any fool can look for trouble in the trouble spots.

But who's watching the boring bits?

Just us.

That's clever.

Means we're one jump ahead. Exactly.

There's only us looking out for the neglected areas, where trouble is least expected.

Is that thorough, or what?

Makes you feel kind of proud.

ARGUING

ENGINE FAILS

Howard!

Where do you lot think you're going?

We're going home.

It's too late.

We're going to live on buns for a week.

You're not what I was expecting.

A modern girl has to be flexible, don't you think?

Reliving old times, Howard?

That's a lie. If we see anyone you know, is there any message, Howard?

We mean of course apart from, "Help!"

I'll look after him.

I think she means it.

Help!

THEY LAUGH

She's come for my bicycle pump!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd