All language subtitles for Last of The Summer Wine S28e02 What Happened to the Horse

How long are you going to be?

You don't have to get
dressed up just for me!

Oh!

Will you stop being so physical?
You're missing an opportunity here.

Yes - but I shan't miss you
with this brush next time!

You should let me
advise you on a makeover.

Have you had a look at you lately?!

Maybe that's it.

Maybe we both should have a stab
at looking more House And Garden.

I'm not saying I could
turn you into Marilyn Monroe,

but we might get as far as Matt!

There's a place down there, look,
crying out to be haunted.

You can't tell from here.
We'll have to check it out.

Doesn't look all that spooky.

Alvin looks worse than that!

I'm built for adventure.

I'm not supposed to look
like a dress designer!

Funny - we always thought you did!

"Very inventive with printed fabrics,
that Alvin", they always say.

I still say that place
will look spooky,

once we invent a spooky story
to go with it!

I'm not going near there
if it's really spooky.

You see!
We've got one believer already.

Can we go?

There's a place here that's
being haunted by a cold draught!

Through two cardigans
and a waistcoat?

It must be using a drill!

I can't remember anybody
of that name. Oh, you do!

Her mother had a bad leg.

It would have had to be a really bad
leg to remember it all those years!

She used to clean at the bank!
With a bad leg?

I think she also
had a bucket and a mop!

Where did they live?

Oh, they've pulled it down since -
er, Kelvin Street!

No wonder she had a bad leg!

What did he do?

Her husband? Oh, I don't know.

But I know he wore a tie!

That wouldn't go down
very well in Kelvin Street!

Obviously, they were
at the better end.

I still don't
remember their daughter.

What did she look like?
Oh, a very bonny girl.

Oh, I always think
that's asking for trouble.

Bonny's alright for children
and small pets,

but it just means trouble
for grown ups!

Are you saying plain is better?

I'm saying it's safer.

Well, you can get into trouble
if you're plain!

Well, you can... But I'm saying
opportunities come less often -

and you've more time to think!

Nobody goes there? Ever?

They've avoided it since 1789.

When he was first seen.

Who was seen? The dead tinker.

Playing his flute.

They say those who hear
the tinker's flute...

People avoid the place.
Nobody goes there, Howard.

A tinker's ghost!
I don't believe such rubbish.

Ah, but other people do.

You won't find anybody
nosing about that place!

Well... I suppose
it might be spooky at midnight,

but I bet it's all right
in daylight.

What time in daylight?

Oh, I don't know.

Let's say, for argument's sake,

about three o'clock
in the afternoon.

Which afternoon?

Does it matter? Any afternoon.

Let's say today.

Three o'clock this afternoon?

No, I don't suppose it'll be spooky
at three o'clock this afternoon.

The best time for not being spooky,
is three o'clock in the afternoon.

They say it's the very hour when
ghosts are most scared of people.

I never knew that!

Of course, you have
to allow one hour each way,

for British Summer Time.

Although they do say there are
some violent spirits who do not
believe in British Summer Time.

Well...can't stop here all day.
Things to do.

HE CHUCKLES

Guess where he'll be at
three o'clock this afternoon!

Like I said. Didn't I say?

It looks like the kind of place
that ought to be haunted.

Which it is, now.

Since 1789,
when the tinker was buried here,

in his lonely grave,
together with his flute.

What's this flute bit?

Well... You need these
little touches of detail.

Right! Where is he buried?

I don't suppose he left an address.

I expect he was too busy
with his flute.

So where do we say
he's buried, then?

What does it matter,
if nobody knows exactly?

It's better that way.
It adds to the mystery.

As long as they believe
he was buried here somewhere!

Along with his flute.

Yes, along with his flute!

Let's be thankful
he didn't play the piano!

What was his name?

Murdoch of Macclesfield.

Well, it doesn't sound very ghostly!

I mean, more like a bakery!

All right, then. Irish Johnny.
That's better.

Now let's see. How did he die?

His horse fell on him.

It used to drink.
Well, they both used to drink.

Well, he WOULD have a horse,
wouldn't he?

As long as it didn't play
a musical instrument.

Is he in pain?

They're not good with pain.

They don't have to be.
They usually leave it to us.

Does he get migraines?

He gets dafter, is what he gets.

He's not in pain.
He's being psychic.

How long has he been psychic?

Oh, more than 25 minutes!

I'm at the sink, and he comes in
with this big announcement.

"Pearl, I'm psychic."

They do. They get dafter.

I couldn't live
with anybody psychic.

You'd never know who
they were thinking!

What makes him think he's psychic?

Well, for starters,
he knew I wouldn't believe him.

He got that right.

Travis used to dream that he was
going to drop dead in Cleethorpes.

I told him, "Travis, we never
go to Cleethorpes - it'd be more
convincing in Morecambe."

It's all clear, ladies.

There are no malicious spirits
in this immediate area.

Present company excepted, of course.

Ghost? Oh, I'm afraid I'm
rather sceptical about ghosts.

I find men of flesh and blood
know how to vanish quickly enough.

You're right.

It's probably just
another local legend,

like Auntie Wainwright's sale prices.

We were hoping you might have
some information on where
exactly he might be buried.

And what happened to the horse?

It fell on him.

I hope it missed his
musical instrument!

But it wasn't dead.

It was only drunk.

So what happened
when it sobered up?

I usually have a bad head.
The horse was drunk?

It was often drunk,

though it would never admit
to being more than a social drinker.

Why are you worried about the horse?

Well, fancy waking
with a blinding headache,

and find yourself
lying on a dead tinker!

You're going to feel guilty -
people are going to blame you!

Who's going to feed you?

How can you not wonder
what happened to the horse?

Well, I'm pleased to hear that
at least the horse isn't a ghost!

Oh no. The only ghost people
have seen wears trousers.

Not very clean trousers,
since he's been buried in them.

And they've been
slept in by a horse.

Not to mention beer stains, and the
inevitable dribble from his flute.

How unpleasant! He is.
They say he looks terrible.

"Beware of the Ghost of
Irish Johnny. The wandering tinker."

Playing his flute.

"When Irish Johnny plays his flute,
that's the time for folk to scoot."

I've never heard that rhyme before.
Is it well known? Oh, yes.

People used to raise their children
on it round these parts.

I'm afraid I remain a disbeliever
in your ghostly tinker.

They say people have heard him
mending ghostly pots and pans.

A sound that chills
you to the marrow.

Especially thin people
like yourself, Miss Davenport,

who only have a narrow marrow.

Dead since 1789, but still wandering.

Well, I can readily believe
in men's tendency to wander, but...

People have heard him.
Heard the flute.

Greensleeves.
Always plays Greensleeves.

THEY WHISTLE GREENSLEEVES

Yes, yes, I know the tune.

It sounds more ghostly on a flute.
It sounds lovely on a flute.

Anywhere else, maybe.

But not out there. Not when he
suddenly appears, looking like...

Or, as some say...

I know how you feel, madam.

You must be wondering
why they let him into the library!

Only me! Hello, Barry.

I saw your cousin Vera. She says hi.
Aw.

Oh - the vicar rang for you.
He's ringing back.

What does he want? He didn't say,
but it doesn't really matter,
does it?

You'll do it anyway.

I don't always do it. You do.
People pick on you, Barry.

They know you'll never say no!

I do say no! When?

Well, er...

I wouldn't have you any other way.

But if you hate the idea of doing
something, it's time you said no.

I will.

Hey! You're looking at
Mr Makes Up His Own Mind!

TELEPHONE RINGS

That's probably him now.

Oh, er...
Tell him I had to pop out.

Australia. Canada.

Pick up the phone, Barry.
Be nice, but tell him no!

Well, we've seeded a local legend,
we'll see if it flowers.

Well, I think the library
was a good place to start.

Then why are you looking so doubtful?

It's Irish Jimmy's horse.

I hate to think of it
wandering about lost.

I mean, if it was a drinker, it
might lose all sense of direction.

Norman! There is no horse!
We invented it!

I know that!

But if we invented him, then
I think we ought to look after him.

A SHOUT AND A SPLASH

Especially if it gets hungover.
Sounds as if it's time to go.

You should have said no!

I would have said no
if I'd wanted to!

Oh, you didn't want to say no?

I was going to say no,
and then I thought,

"It's not a bad idea.
Why don't you do it, Barry?"

He wants you to take over a part
in a play, at the very last minute,

without any preparation.

Hmm. He says there's only a few
lines. It's mainly face acting.

I know that face. It'll be green
when it's time to go on stage!

It's really quite flattering
to be asked.

He must have heard
I'd done some acting.

He must have heard
what a gift you are to people
who can't find anybody else!

Come on!

Tide well in!

How about a ride? No, thanks.

I've got one.

What can you do?

The man's from Hull.

So you missed the war, then?
Yeah. I was still at school.

Getting equipped for your future.

Yeah.

Look where it got me.

That's negative thinking.

You should be thinking that
this could be a springboard
to an executive career!

Although in your case,
you'd need a rocket.

What about staff training?

What have you got to do to
bring me on managerial-wise?

I sent you out for a pizza. Marinara.

What did you come back with?

I get confused speaking Italian.

You're not that great with English.

What are you scowling for?
Are you in pain? I'm thinking.

Oh, well, that explains it.

I didn't miss the war altogether.

I had this piece of a tail
of a Messerschmitt!

Where did you get that, then?

I had to give this kid
20 marbles for it!

You were robbed -
I was doing them for 15.

It was worth every marble.

It was the only thing that
kept me going after Mother went.

Your mother died in the war?

No, no, she just went. Where to?

I've no idea.

I came home from school,
and there was this note.

She must have been thinking of you,
then.

It said, "Your tea is in the pantry.
Love Mum."

It was the last time I saw her.

I don't believe a word of it!

I knew your mother -
you drove her to distraction.

You used to go around telling
everybody she'd left home.

I always fancied being an orphan.

You think Howard will come?

It's a stone certainty, because
he thinks nobody ever comes here.

That makes it his kind of place.

He likes remote places.

We think it's a love of nature.

Howard comes - sees recent fire -
he'll know people come here!

Not if he's been told
it's a ghostly fire!

Some people hear the flute.

Some people see the tinker.

And some people see the ashes
of the tinker's ghostly fire.

And some people see the ashes
of Alvin's ghostly socks.

His horse fell on him?

It used to drink, apparently.

I never knew they did that.

I expect they need a little
help from their friends.

What else are friends for?

What does he do if he appears,
this tinker?

Well, they say he plays the flute!

Although, of course, I'm inclined
to disbelieve the whole thing.

It's so pedestrian.
So without emotion!

I would have much preferred, say,

two star-crossed lovers
committing suicide.

I always think that's
so romantic, don't you?

I'd sooner have a cuddle.

Where is all this
supposed to have happened?

Oh, somewhere out there
on the moors.

Shudder, shudder.

I've been in some funny places...

So I hear.

..but you wouldn't catch me
in that one!

BELL RINGS CONTINUOUSLY

Don't panic, lad. We'll let
you out on proof of purchase.

Where did you get this set-up from,
somebody's dungeon?

A defenceless old lady
has to protect herself.

Defenceless?

I bet you've got
a black belt in martial arts.

I've got some very nice black belts
with fancy buckles.

I want a flute.

You'll never hold your trousers
up with a flute!

That means you've got no flutes.

I can find you a very
close alternative.

How close?

Wait here.

I've got no choice, have I?
I'm locked in!

If he's supposed to be a legend,
he's kept himself pretty quiet.

I've never heard of this tinker!

There's no reference
to him in the library.

They say some poor young woman
drowned herself in the lock.

When was this? In Victorian times.

Oh, they were always drowning
themselves in Victorian times.

I expect they couldn't go for
a walk without hearing a splash.

It was all that black stuff
they used to wear.

They were always dressed for
a funeral.

I suppose they thought
they might as well get on with it.

At least you couldn't
see their tattoos.

Where do you find a nice
young woman these days?

They're all tattooed!

They've all had strangers in places
where they've no business to be.

Fancy admitting that you've had
people in some of those places!

It's brazen enough that they've been
there, without letting them sign it!

I wouldn't mind a little butterfly.

I hope your mother's not listening!

I once had a heart with a name
under it, but I had it removed.

Was it painful? Very!
He swore he wasn't married!

Was removing the tattoo painful?
I'll never do it again.

You should never
believe a word they say.

I know! But they deceive you
in such interesting ways!

They're not all out
to take advantage of you.

Fewer and fewer these days.

Travis isn't devious. He has
a struggle keeping things simple.

Howard's ambitions are devious,

but fortunately, the rest
of him isn't fast enough.

You've got to keep men
at arm's length.

You've got to keep your defences up.

It's been a while since
we've been under threat!

I believe in my Barry.

I shall be glad when
the vicar's finished with him.

I don't believe in that vicar!

I don't know what his Hebrew's like,

but I'd be surprised if he's
got past perils of the flesh.

I suppose they're still only men.

That's not an excuse -
that's a confession.

Finger! Oh!

Sorry.

His horse fell on him?

The whole horse?

In its entirety. Flattened him
like a length of tarmac.

You could have skateboarded on him!
Flat as that?

They say the coroner was tempted
to keep him as a bookmark.

Big horse, then?

Very sturdy animal.

You see how lucky
you are with a handcart.

Its wheel keeps coming off!

I've always wanted to see a ghost,

but I've always hesitated,
in case it was Glenda's mother.

Who said the place was haunted?

People have seen him. Heard him,
mending ghostly pots and pans.

I must check this place out!

Heard him playing his fl...

Sousaphone?!

Greensleeves. Greensleeves?
He always plays Greensleeves.

SOUSAPHONE PARPS

What kind of a play are you in?

I've no idea.
I've only learned my few lines.

I rather like you in the hat.

Don't get carried away.
It's just the glamour of showbiz.

You're going to be early.

I'm going to make
another call first.

There's something
I want to check out.

Right, then.
Park it where Howard won't see it.

I'll park it where even
Stinker won't see it!

Tinker! Tinker!

Here.

Right. How do I look?

Underdone.

He needs to look frightening -
I mean, ghastly, scary!

He usually manages quite well.

Just be careful.

Have you any idea
what terrible wounds you can
inflict with a sousaphone?

He needs some make-up -
dark rings round the eyes.

The morning-after look.
I know it well.

We could use the ashes
from the fire!

Ashes in your eyes?

Why didn't I think of that(?)

Aha! Well, you wait until
we drop the horse on you!

This time we've really cracked it!

I've found us a place
where nobody ever goes.

Including us, if it's much further!

We're nearly there.

The times I've been
under that impression!

It's spooky, Howard.
That's what keeps people away!

You can't help thinking,
"What a good idea."

It's all nonsense,
this ghost business.

There's no such... What is it?

What is it? Somebody's had a fire!

People that never
come here have had a fire?

SOUSAPHONE PARPS

What was that?

We're all right, unless it
starts playing Greensleeves.

SOUSAPHONE PLAYS GREENSLEEVES

Well done, Alvin!

They're coming back!

BOTH: The tinker!

It's lonely out here.

Why are you lonely? You're with me.

The area.

The area's lonely.

I'd hate to be out here in t'dark.

When we're on nights, we've been
out here in the dark. I know.

I hated it.

You never said.

I were being brave, weren't I?

It's just an empty landscape.
What's to be nervous about?

They look nervous enough.
They're running from something!

Probably his wife.
They say she's a bit fierce.

Did you see their faces?
That weren't a wife look.

That were an
"Oh, my God, what is it?" look.

So, go on then, what is it?

I don't know, but it'll probably be
coming round that bend any minute!

Wouldn't we be safer in t'car?
We're not supposed to be safe.

We're supposed to be
investigating what it is!

Safe sounds better.

Listen! It's coming.

Did you see his face? His face?

He was gone so fast,
I only saw his rear end!

And you know
why he was going so fast?

Because there's something after
him as well! And here it comes!

What happened to the police car?

What happened to the horse?

It was adopted by a kindly old person
who kept it in comfort.

Are you sure?

Cross my heart.

Did it still drink?

Only in moderation.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd