Original subtitles

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Honey, I'm home.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREECHES)

MAN ON TV: Once again, it's time to learn about science

on Ask Mister Lizard.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Mr. Lizard.

Hi, Mr. Lizard. What are we going to learn today?

Well, Timmy, what do you think would happen

-if we mixed potassium nitrate... -Ooh.

-...charcoal, and sulfur? -Ah.

Huh. Gee, Mr. Lizard, I don't know.

We're gonna need another Timmy.

-Gee, Mr. Lizard, nothing's happening. -Well, Timmy, maybe we need

-to put some light on the subject. -Ooh!

We're gonna need another Timmy.

(TIMMY SCREAMS)

Say it.

We're going to need another Timmy.

Yay!

-BOTH: Cool. -Yeah.

-Yay! Ha! -Finished your cereal?

-No cereal. Juice. -First cereal, then juice.

-First juice. -Then cereal?

-We'll see. -(FRAN SIGHS)

Huh, yeah.

-(FRIDGE CREATURES YELLING) -Juice!

(EXCLAIMS)

-All right, all right. -(CLINKING)

Here you go.

(COOS)

Would one of you watch your brother while I'm upstairs?

-It's his turn. Hey! -I watched him yesterday.

Thank you both so much. And make sure he eats his cereal.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

-ROBBIE: Right. -Huh.

(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)

-What? Oh... -Yeah.

(BABY LAUGHS)

Got to love me.

Uh...

BOTH: Clean it up! No, you clean it up.

-I got to go upstairs. -I got to go upstairs! Wait, wait...

Hmm.

Brother! Sister! I'm all alone!

(CACKLES AND GRUNTS)

-(CONTINUES GRUNTING) -(THUDDING)

-FRIDGE CREATURE: What do you want? -Ice cream!

FRIDGE CREATURE: Ice cream! (BURBLES)

(YELLING AND CACKLING)

Uh-huh.

-Cookies! -(FRIDGE CREATURES YELLING)

Cookies! Cookies! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Cake! Candy!

Frozen yogurt! Come on! Keep it coming! Keep it coming!

More, more, more! Bonbons! Jelly beans!

-Ooh, yeah, yeah. -(FRIDGE CREATURES CACKLING)

More, more! Keep going! Keep it coming! Keep it coming!

Yes, yes, yes!

(FRIDGE CREATURES CLAMORING)

FRIDGE CREATURES: Go! Go! Go! Go!

(YELLING)

(YAWNS)

Morning, kids. What are you doing?

-Uh, watching the baby. -Me, too.

Nice to see you accepting more responsibility.

-(YAWNS) -BABY: Whee!

Franny, where'd all the sugar go?

-BABY: Whee! -Huh?

-Fran, I'm calling you. -BABY: Yahoo!

What was that?

BABY: (BURBLES) Oh! (GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

You made all this mess?

I'm vibrating!

-I am not cleaning this up. -(BABY BURBLES)

-(GASPS) -(BURBLES)

-(GASPS) Earl! -Don't Earl me.

I just pass through this house on my way to work.

I was upstairs with Robbie and Charlene's laundry.

I can't deal with all three kids at the same time.

I told you, two kids, but oh, no.

Now, there's three of them and two of us. We lost, three to two.

You're talking about our family, Earl.

Excuse me, Fran. But I was prepared for child one and child two.

We planned for them,

they arrived on schedule, and I thought the family was complete,

-But no. -(BABY IMITATING TRAIN)

Arriving on track number three... Ow!

BABY: Whoo-woo! (IMITATING TRAIN)

Absolutely without warning.

-(SIGHS) -Chugga, chugga, chugga...

-(SIGHS) There, there. -Chugga, chugga...

Whoo-whoo! Chugga, chugga... Whoo-whoo!

I'm the baby. Got to love me.

I'm the daddy. Got to go to work. How about a kiss?

Mwah!

-Aw. -(EARL GROANS)

-Aw, your daddy just needs... -(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

...to spend more time with you

so he can get to know every little bit of you like I do.

See my bump?

What the heck is that?

I don't understand. It started out as this little bump.

What do you think it is?

-In my professional opinion? -Yes.

A long, gold bony thing with a point.

Of course, we haven't done any tests as of yet.

-It's like a horn. -Yes, in a way.

-Let me see! Where? -How did it happen?

Well, judging from its size and its color, mmm...

I have no idea.

Well, he did eat a lot of sugar this morning.

Well, so did I, but I don't look like a freak of nature.

(CHUCKLES) Well, good luck to you.

Uh, doctor, wait. Uh, you... You won't tell anyone, will you?

Oh, please, I'm a doctor.

Patient confidentiality

absolutely prohibits me from telling anybody

about things like that.

Hey, Earl, how's the little freak of nature?

-(LAUGHS) -Now you got a son and a hat rack.

-(LAUGHING) -EARL: All right,

very funny, very funny.

Let's all have a good laugh at my family's pain and suffering.

-Mmm... -(SID SIGHS)

-Sorry, there. -Well, no offense.

-Glad it didn't happen to me. -Touchy, touchy.

Okay, my best buddy in all the world, your turn.

I suppose you have you an amusing remark about my son's affliction?

Hey, would I never, pally-boy. You know,

I don't often let people in on this, but, uh, there was one time in my life

when I had short little stubby arms.

Yeah, I did.

-Roy, you're a tyrannosaurus. -What are you saying?

-Nothing. -ROY: Oh.

All I know is that my life was not nearly as difficult

when I only had two kids.

Is that a terrible thing to say?

Why do I always get picked last for the bowling team?

(WHISTLES)

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

CHARLENE: Ah! Yeah. ROBBIE: Best two out of three?

-(ROBBIE CHUCKLES) -Charlene!

You told us to play with him.

-(SIGHS) -Fran, I want that thing

off that kid's face! I don't care what it takes, just do it.

-How was your day, dear? -Saw it off, Fran, saw it off, right now.

We are not sawing off a piece of our child's head.

But I'm getting teased at work.

-(EARL SOBS) -That's not a good reason, Earl.

This, on the other hand, is a very good reason.

Where did you get that, Ethyl?

A dinosaur in a black cloak delivered it.

-Oh, no! -What is it, Dad?

It's the official scroll with the official red ribbon.

-Well, what does it mean? -It means... (GULPS)

I've been summoned, haven't I?

"The council of elders, meeting in the cave of destiny,

"deep within the mountain of terror,

"half a block south of Mort's Big and Tall,

"hereby summons, Earl Sinclair...

-What have I done? What have I done? -"...and his infant son."

I knew it. I told you. "Nothing but trouble," I said.

"Honey, he's such a sweet thing," you said.

Well... Well...

This!

I don't get it. What's the big deal

-about this cave of old guys? -Yeah.

Terror! Horror! No one ever comes back.

I hear they once made a guy bite off his own head.

Earl, calm down.

All these wild tales of mystical voodoo mumbo jumbo

are just silly rumors.

(WHIMPERS)

(VOODOO CHANTING)

-Hiya. -ELDER 1: Silence!

-You got it! -ELDER 1: Are you the father

-of this horned child? -(STAMMERING) Uh...

Oh, jeez.

Yeah, I am.

But please don't make me bite off my own head.

I was practicing in the lobby, and it just wasn't happening.

-ELDER 1: Silence! -You got it!

ELDER 2: Do you understand the significance of the golden horn?

Uh... No.

But I could chew off my foot if you want.

ELDER 3: Behold, The Sacred Book of Dinosaur,

the wisdom of the ages handed down from the beginning of time.

"And there shall come a child from whom shall grow a golden horn,

"and he shall be king of the dinosaurs."

King?

"And he shall be born of a noble mother.

"And his father shall be courageous and wise."

(GUFFAWS)

ELDER 3: Give me the white out.

ELDER 3: "Father shall be a blithering idiot."

Can he do that?

ELDER 3: "And this golden child shall be revered from near and far."

Junior, you hear that?

-Uh, got to go. -No! No!

ELDER 3: "And from his mouth his simple words

"shall ring out only the purest truth."

-Uh, got to go. -Junior, hold it in.

ELDER 3: Behold the king of the dinosaurs!

Behold his brow is knit with wisdom!

(GRUNTING)

Hey, are you guys really serious?

-ELDER 2: Behold he is about to speak! -Huh.

I made a big poop.

ELDER 1: Oh! ELDER 2: Oh!

ELDER 3: Oh! BABY: Ah! Ah!

ALL: Ah!

(LAUGHS)

ELDERS: Ah! BABY: Ah!

ANCHORMAN ON TV: The Making Of A King, day two. Now, here is DNN correspondent

-Howard Handupme. -Good evening.

As prophesied in The Book of Dinosaur,

a child with a golden horn has been found and declared the new king.

This was the scene yesterday at the Cave of Destiny.

ELDERS: Behold the king!

I don't have to take a nap.

Today the king holds court at his parents’ home

as thousands flock to see the infant sovereign

and touch the sacred horn.

EARL: Make way! Coming through! Father of the king coming through!

All right, all right, get back. Wait your turn.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Peasants. (CHUCKLES)

There he is. How's Daddy's little monarch?

Want to go night-night.

Ooh, heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Earl, it's time for his nap now.

Nonsense, wife-of-the-father-of-the-king. The problems of state never nap.

Our little potentate has subjects to receive,

disputes to settle, athletic gear to endorse.

-Prince Robert? -Yeah, Dad?

Princess Charlene could use some help out there

granting admittance to those commoners

who would seek an audience with their king.

Forget it, Dad.

I won't bow down to my brother because of a horn growing out of his head.

And those dinosaurs outside are just sheep.

Have you noticed that some of those sheep are cheerleaders?

(GASPS) Your Majesty. Yes!

Oh, look, Dad, it's Mr. Turtlepuss and the guys from work.

BOTH: Uh, hi there, Earl.

Uh, we've come to pay homage to the king.

Oh, looky who's here, the three wise guys

who've come to make some humorous affliction remarks about my son,

the royal hat rack.

-Well, we brought gifts. -Yeah?

-Spices from the north. -Silk from the east.

One of those big plastic fire trucks with ladders

-and hoses that squirt. -Gimme!

Well, I'm not sure your transparent generosity

-is acceptable to the king. -Yes, it is.

Uh, Earl, we're sorry about what we said.

Yeah, we didn't mean anything.

How we're supposed to know the kid was so special?

I knew. I always knew.

I knew from the day this kid was hatched

that I was the father of a very, very special treasure.

What?

Jeez.

Boy, those kings on a stick went like crazy.

Just look at this floor. Everyone in Pangaea

-must've trooped through this room. -Hmm.

Yeah, well, a monarch's work is never done.

Uh, it still isn't, Dad. There's one more loyal subject out here.

Uh, hey there, pally-boy.

Roy, come on in. Glad to see you.

Come down to have a beer and shoot the breeze?

Uh, actually, I want to talk to the king for a minute

if it's all the same to you, Earl.

Uncle Roy!

Sure. Sure. Step right up.

You're a good friend of the court after all.

The best friend.

Uh, not to overstep my bounds or nothing, but could I speak to the king alone?

Sure. I guess, if you want to.

-Well, I'll just go over here. -ROY: Hmm.

Good. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Uh...

Your Highness...

Uncle Roy?

Uh, as I understand it, now that you're the king,

well, you may have some kind of mystical powers

-of a supernatural nature. -Hi, Uncle Roy.

Yeah, hi.

And I was hoping you could see your way clear

to granting me a wish.

-Juice? -Thanks, no.

I realize, I'm a tyrannosaurus,

and as a tyrannosaurus, I use my massive jaws

to tear stuff limb from limb,

But... I... Well...

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to play the piano...

Hmm.

...eat with a fork, get picked first for the bowling team.

Want a fire truck?

No, I want longer arms.

Can you do that for me?

Funny arms.

Yeah, I know.

-Like 'em. -You do?

-Like you. -You do?

-Mmm. -So, I'm just being stupid?

-Ha-ha! -Stupid.

Yeah, I guess I am.

-Uncle Roy? -Yeah?

-(KISSES) -Yeah, thanks.

Hey, you got a great king there, pally-boy.

Yeah, thanks, Roy old buddy.

Yeah. I got a great kid.

Yeah... (SCREAMS)

-Huh? -ELDER 3: I have come for the child.

What are you talking about?

He is king now, he must join us in the Cave of Destiny,

where we can train him in the manner of a ruler.

-(EARL GASPS) -What makes you think my husband and I

are going to stand by, while you walk out of here with our baby?

Shush.

"He who defies the will of the elders shall be thrown

"into the fiery pit of despair and suffer an eternity of unspeakable torment

"roasting in the unrelenting fires of absolute misery."

Bye.

(SIGHS)

(ROBBIE SIGHS)

Um, good dinner, Mom.

-Don't start it on me. -What I... What'd I say?

Charlene, sweetheart, it's all right.

Your mother just hasn't come to terms with the fact

that your little brother is not with us anymore.

-Oh, I understand. -EARL: Good.

-Robbie. -Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Not the mother! Not the mother!

(SIGHS)

-No, that's not it at all. -Yeah. It's the wrong pot, isn't it?

No, it doesn't matter. It could never be the same.

-Yeah. -Just forget it.

Should I throw some food at you?

Oh, that's sweet, Charlene, but it won't change the fact that...

(SOBBING) That my baby is gone!

-ROBBIE: Aw! -(EARL SOBBING)

(INHALES SHARPLY) They took him away to a beautiful place

and a wonderful life where he'll get everything

he could ever need.

-(EARL CONTINUES SOBBING) -Aw, Dad.

And I'm not going to be the one who gives it to him.

-CHARLENE: Oh, Dad. -Robbie, Charlene,

-could you give us a moment, please? -Sure.

-(EARL SOBBING) -Yeah. I'll practice on Charlene.

(ROBBIE SIGHS)

(BLOWS NOSE AND SNIFFLES)

It's all my fault, Fran.

I said we should've never have a third kid,

I said that we should've stopped at two. How could I have been so foolish?

Earl, if you want a third child again, there's only one thing to do.

Aw, jeez, Fran, I'm not in the mood.

Of course, I could get in the mood. Couple of cocktails, rub my back...

Go get our son and bring him back.

All right. You're right.

I'm going up there and getting my son back.

And I'm going to get him back, right now.

ELDER 1: Number 4077.

Uh... Oh... Oh, well,

well, all I want to do is add a second story to my garage,

but it's zoned R1, so I need ten additional feet for my property line.

Anyway, I was wondering, could you grant me a variance?

-Kiss the doll. -Oh, sure. (KISSES)

ELDER 3: The variance is granted. Touch the horn and go.

Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my...

-My contractor is going to be so thrilled. -ELDER 1: Four thousand seventy-eight.

Give me a whitefish.

What?

-Isn't this the Cave Deli? -It's the Cave of Destiny.

-I've been standing here 16 hours. -ELDER 3: What do you want from me?

I just wanted some fish for myself...

ELDER 1: Four thousand seventy-nine.

That's me.

ELDER 2: Approach the king, state your case.

-ELDER 3: You have three minutes. -I know you!

-He remembers me! -Not the mama!

Nobody else does it like him.

-ELDER 3: Two minutes. -Oh! Uh...

Mmm, I came here to take you home.

But the guard at the door with the machine gun

said that wouldn't be possible, son.

ELDER 3: He's not your son. He's the king. You have one minute.

(EARL SIGHS)

I guess, I didn't treat you much like a king, did I?

You were new. You were my third child,

and your mother says I should've spent more time with you.

And then you became king and they took you away.

So, now it's too late.

But I want you to know,

even though all these guys think you're king 'cause you got that horn,

you will always be my son.

ELDER 3: Your time is up.

Touch the horn and begone.

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

-ELDER 2: Did you see that? -ELDER 3: What this means?

-ELDER 1: Oh, no. -(INHALES) Son!

The horn! It's falling off!

You need the horn to be the king. Without the horn, you'll just be my son.

Daddy.

EARL: Oh...

ELDERS: Huh?

(ELDERS MUTTERING)

-(BABY CHUCKLES) -(EARL CHUCKLES)

ANCHORMAN: The King Is A Hoax, day one.

Now, here is Howard Handupme.

Thousands are stunned as today the golden horn

of the Sinclair baby falls off suddenly.

The horn, first thought to be a portent of a Golden Age

for all dinosaur civilization, is now believed

to be just one of those things.

Gee, Mr. Lizard, what should I do with the nitroglycerin?

BOTH: We're going to need another Timmy.

-(BOTH LAUGH) -Well, Timmy,

you just pour it into the blender there while I get behind this lead shield.

Okay.

-BOTH: Say it. -(EXPLODING

We're going to need another Timmy.

-BABY: Yay! -(LAUGHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)