Original subtitles

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Mum?

Mum?

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Mum!

Mum? Michael? What are you doing here?

I need a go on Linda. Where is she?

She's charging in the living room.

Is everything all right? Er...

No. There's an Open Mic night at the shop to support artists

doing new songs.

I put my name down... Good for you!

Well, Renee's always talking about following your passion, pushing

past your comfort zone, how Chris is always achieving all of his dreams.

Hello, Michael! Jesus! Well, the thing is, my songs are...shit.

They're shit and stupid. Then you should cancel.

I'm not cancelling! This is my dream!

Then you should follow your dream.

Look, OK, Linda, I need you to sort me

an original composition that has "hit" written all over it.

I can do that for you, Michael.

BLEEPS

I have sorted you out an

original composition

with "hit" written all over it.

I will email you the music and lyrics.

Wow!

Amazing! OK, I've got to get to work! Wish me luck!

Best of luck, Michael, pursuing the dream of a lifetime.

SUE CHUCKLES QUIETLY

I thought before we get the onions, we could call at the British Legion.

Repetitive routines are unhealthy.

Perhaps today, we could do something different.

Sorry, I didn't know my life was so boring.

Yes, it is.

I was being sarcastic.

You could try Senior Puzzle Club.

Try what? Senior Puzzle Club is where elderly can socialise

and do simple puzzles, to slow deterioration of brain function.

Linda...

..if you ever take me to Senior Puzzle Club,

I will personally pour yoghurt into your circuits!

Understood?

You will personally pour yoghurt into my circuits.

Understood.

Maybe we could do something that you have never done.

OK. Well I've never gone scuba-diving in the Maldives,

I've never flown first class on an aeroplane,

I've never made love to anyone apart from my husband.

But I'm 80, so the chances of any of that happening are nil.

This question has made you angry.

Yeah, well, it was a stupid question!

I will ask a new question.

Would you like to make love to someone other than your husband?

God, no! I'm not a floozy!

Unlike my daughter-in-law.

Ha-ha-ha. Good one, Sue.

Hello, Phyllis, Jeffrey.

Hello, Linda.

Nice lamp. This?

This is for one of our rentals that needs rewiring to meet

"fire safety requirements".

Honestly, we lose money being landlords.

Why don't you stop being landlords?

Her problem solving capacity is incredible.

That's real lateral thinking, Linda, that.

You are welcome. We are actually downsizing our portfolio.

We've just closed on one of those pokey little terraces

on Portman Road...

That's where I live.

Well, it's taking off, the gays are moving in!

You're soon going to have a cheesemonger's.

Gay people eat cheese.

We'd best be off, we haven't even started to pack for Dorset.

Doing anything fun today?

I'll probably go shopping and then make a casserole.

Aw...

Oh, Sue, you're missing an earring.

Oh...

Oh, no! Dave bought me these years ago in Tenerife.

Never mind, it doesn't look a very expensive pair.

Bye, Linda.

Goodbye, Jeffrey.

Hello, Tom. You're looking bright and summery.

We're off to the seaside... Lovely!

Yeah. We're scattering my cousin's ashes.

I'm sorry, I didn't know he passed away.

Oh, no, Harry died nine years ago.

No, I've been meaning to get around to this for a while.

Roxy, would you do my neck and shoulders?

Why don't you come too?

Oh, I hadn't planned to.

I hadn't planned to neither. Come on, Sue.

Sue, it would be healthy for you to be in a new environment.

Linda's right, you should get out more.

I get out all the time! I don't mean to the shops.

Come to the seaside. It's full of raw sewage.

Yeah, it's not French Polynesia.

Sue... It took me years after Gwen died to start doing new things.

I'd spent so much time caring for her after she got sick...

..I forgot how to live.

Tom... Choose an outfit, Linda, we're going to the seaside.

Let's scatter dead Harry.

This is incredible. Michael, come and have look at this!

Michael!

This piano is 570kg!

Michael, look!

Wow, it's so heavy.

Where would you like me to put it, Mark?

I'll tell you where you can put it. Put it here for now, mate.

LOUD BUMP

Promise you won't

call in sick with back pain?

I promise. Although I won't promise I won't phone in with a hangover.

FORCED LAUGH

You make jokes! Michael, did you hear Keith's joke?

Yeah, it didn't make any sense. No-one calls in with a hangover,

people call in sick to hide a hangover.

Michael, can I assist you in any way?

Doubt it. Then I will utilize

this quiet time to clean the staff toilet.

Why, did you do a massive shit in there this morning?

Thanks, Keith. I appreciate it.

Keith is the smartest investment I've made in a while.

Yeah, sure, it's handy having a walking forklift.

Keith can do way more than heavy lifting.

He can play over 20 instruments. 26, to be precise.

I thought you were cleaning the toilet. I've finished.

I also play all 26 instruments to a Grade 7 level.

So what?! You have no idea about how humans connect with music.

I mean, I remember listening to Dark Side of the Moon

for the first time.

I remember saving up to buy a ticket for AC/DC.

It's a language, you don't speak it.

'Sup? You all good?

Yeah, I'm looking for a cheaper version of Hester Chambers' guitar.

Who? Hester Chambers, from English indie rock band Wet Leg.

He only knows that because he's a robot.

I love their surreal style.

He doesn't love anything, he's a robot.

Look, look...just because I didn't know the name of the band,

it doesn't... Michael, let Keith do his job.

Hester Chambers plays a Hofner 173.

His hand's been in the toilet.

Yes! Thank you, Linda.

You ready, Tom?

Linda! Roxy!

Come join us.

Want to say a few words, Tom?

Oh...OK. Um...

Er...

Harry was, er...

..5 foot 10.

Um...

He loved Wet Wet Wet, he had three of his albums.

Erm...

Either of you want to say something? We never met him.

5 foot 10 is a good height though.

Thank you.

Linda, have you got any funeral speeches?

Yes.

"Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn

"and rave a close of day

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light..."

Have you got something more upbeat? Yes.

"Cousin Harry knew how to party.

"He had a taste for racy cars...

"and even racier women!"

Actually, Harry was gay.

He was very shy.

And he died of loneliness...

Apparently, the body just shuts down when it's not being touched.

Linda, maybe a few comforting words.

And a little light music.

Yes.

"Do not stand by my grave and weep,

"I am not there, I do not sleep,

"I am the thousand winds that blow,

"I am the diamond glints on snow.

"I am the sun on ripened grain.

"I am the gentle autumn rain.

"When you awaken in the morning's hush,

"I am the swift uplifting rush

"Of quiet birds in circled flight,

"I am the soft stars that shine at night.

"Do not stand by my grave and cry.

"I am not there, I did not die."

One day you're buying your Wet Wet Wet albums,

and before you know it, three strangers

and their robots are scattering your ashes over raw sewage.

Perhaps the funfair will help elevate your mood.

That's a great idea! Carpe diem!

Well, maybe I'll make my casserole tomorrow.

That's the spirit!

It's changed a bit.

Right, everybody, get your laughing gear round that.

I just love funfair food! It's actually quite nice.

Mm!

I'm thinking of taking Roxy on the rollercoaster.

I'm not getting on one of those bloody death traps!

Not after what happened to that Swedish woman.

She'd flown 28 hours to get to a fun park in Florida,

gets on a rollercoaster,

it derails!

Safety bar goes right through her.

Skewers her like a shish kebab.

I think I've chipped one of my teeth.

Bled to death.

That is why you should never remove impaled objects.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

It's a toenail!

Give it here, I'll take it back. They might give us a free one.

Why would I want another hotdog from them?!

Sue, you are unhappy again.

There was a toenail in my hotdog.

I'm ready for a ride. Do you want to go on a ride, Roxy?

Yes.

Sue, is it time to go on a ride?

I can't face the queues.

The bigger the queue, the better the ride!

Isn't that what they say, Roxy?

No. See? Come on, let's hit the road.

Other funfair activities.

Coconut shy, ghost train, hook-a-duck...

Oh, isn't she sweet?

Michael used to love getting his face painted when he was little.

Sue, you could get your face painted.

No, that's for children.

Or wankers.

Sue, there is no queue for this ride.

Fortune teller?

Dave and I went to see the fortune teller when we were first courting.

God, that must be... over 50 years ago!

Would you like a ride on a fortune teller?

Sue, you shouldn't meddle with the dark arts.

My friend Lynn Bacon, she got herself a Ouija board,

a succubus attached itself to her aura.

I think it might be fun...

All right. Give us your hotdog and toenail, suit yourself.

Tom's right. They're bound to give me a free ice-cream.

Come on, Linda.

Sit.

Ow! Linda, have you got a torch or something?

FUTURISTIC SOUND

Argh! Shit, turn it off!

Linda, lights off!

Cross my palm with silver.

How much?

20 pounds for ten minutes, 50 for... 20 pounds?!

Do you want communion with the astral realm or not?

This had better be top shelf communion...

Now give me your hand.

Do you go to the optician?

I'm 80.

So, yes.

You'll be going again soon.

Sue, she is correct.

Sshh! You are a mother...

of a daughter?

No.

Three sons? No. Son and a daughter? No.

Two daughters? No.

Who's Margaret? I don't know.

Are we going to do this for ten minutes?

I am sensing you're disappointed.

Yes, I am.

You're often disappointed,

by life.

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

You weren't always like this.

No. Just the last few years.

You used to be fun.

I am fun. But are you?

Yes, I am fun. Tell her, Linda.

Sue is fun! In what way?

Sue is fun!

Is this all part of the 10 minutes? Yes.

That's not fair, you're charging us by the minute!

We have been arguing whether Sue is fun for 19 seconds.

Now 20. 21... Sshh! I'm getting something.

It's a male energy. Very dear to you.

I can see a...car.

And the colour...

..yellow.

My...Dave had a yellow Ford when we first met.

He says he'll send you a sign.

What kind of sign?

SHOUTS: What kind of sign?

He said that's a great question, and he needs time to think.

Is this part of the 10 minutes?

I can't make him think faster.

Doing anything fun this weekend? I've got tickets to Hamilton.

We will probably watch Strictly, we watch Strictly every...

Sshh! He says you've lost something, but don't worry, you'll find it.

Sue, you have lost an earring. Where will I find it?

He says it will be in the last place you look.

Yes, it will be in the last place she looks.

Sshh! He says...

..let go of the past.

Remember the happier times, and try new things...

..and open your heart to life's wondrous possibilities.

Dave said "wondrous"?

I'm paraphrasing.

Will you tell him I'm trying?

Of course.

SHOUTS: She's trying!

Oh, my God, is that THE Michael Bevan?

Whoo! Sign my tits!

Stop, stop... How was sound-check?

Yeah, smashed it.

I met some of the other acts. They're...

..young.

Well, I just wanted to give you a good luck charm for tonight.

Oh... Thank you.

Wow, it's...beautiful.

This last week, seeing you prepare for this gig...

I've never seen you this excited and enthusiastic.

Really?

I'm proud of you, performing your own original material.

It takes guts. Yeah, you're right.

I don't know what I was so scared of.

I should've done this so much sooner.

Well, you're doing it now.

You are making your dreams happen.

Chris talks a lot about that at training.

Pursuing a career in music is a bit harder than teaching martial arts.

Well, they're both dreams.

My dream is heaps harder than Chris's dream.

Michael, "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison

"and waiting for the other person to die."

That's is such a good quote.

Who said that?

It was Chris, wasn't it?

Well, I should practise.

OK, I'll leave you to it.

Wait, aren't you going to put it on?

Hm?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You look like Enrique Iglesias!

Who?

You look hot.

I'll be watching you!

Don't take it off!

Linda, do you believe there's an afterlife?

The existence of an afterlife is an issue of belief, rather than proof.

I got us free ice creams.

Don't worry, I've checked them for toenails.

Linda, hold this.

Sue, what does ice cream taste like?

It's delicious!

So, what did the fortune teller say?

She said a lot of things.

I think I just really wanted some sort of sign from Dave.

Yeah.

Did she say anything about sinkholes?

She's right, Dave would want me to keep trying new things,

and be...

..happy. Yeah.

What about megaviruses?

She was also correct that you are going to the optician soon.

She say anything about rollercoasters derailing?

Ooh! Sue, you just had an adrenaline spike.

You are afraid of rollercoasters. Yes.

Very. You should be.

Have you ever been on one? God, no!

They're deathtraps. They really are.

The odds of being injured on a rollercoaster are...one in...

..24 million.

Wow...

Sue, this would be an opportunity to try something new.

And fun.

Tom! We're coming with you! Boomers are pushing in.

It's all right, I saved their place. What are you on about?

Here we go! Give over.

Thank you.

Oh...

I am proud of you, Sue.

Are you having fun?

Oh...

Fun mode activated.

Doesn't look like this can be salvaged, though, does it?

Do we now scatter Roxy on raw sewage?

No, Linda. Do we throw her in the bin?

There is a bin over there. Linda, shush.

I had no idea Roxy weighed so much.

Don't feel bad. It's not your fault.

The sign said it is the robot owner's responsibility. Linda...

There were signs everywhere... Linda, mute!

What if I die like Harry did?

Roxy was the only one who touches me.

Oh... What is wrong with you?

I don't mean like that!

Well, I...I could touch you.

Sometimes.

Yeah, well, maybe not.

Roxy knew exactly how I like my tea, what time I go to bed,

what time I like to be woken up,

my favourite Strictly judge...

Shirley. No! Craig!

He's brutal, but how else are the dancers going to learn?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was Slutguts!

Slutguts, everybody.

Ok, to close this section, we've got

an artist you'll definitely recognise...

from the till!

One of Off The Scale's own, Michael Bevan.

What am I doing? I can't do this, go and start a fire in the toilets!

You're making your dreams come true.

Now go.

Michael Bevan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you... Thank you.

Um...

It's not easy being an artist. Um...

You spend most of your time feeling like shit.

And then there's this technology replacing us,

because it's faster and cheaper to steal from humans.

< Yeah!

All right!

I believe in people.

I believe there are things within us that cannot be mimicked,

or stolen, or learnt by algorithms for financial gain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I wrote this song for someone...

someone very special. Er...

My wife, Renee.

You are the reason I do what I do, babe.

QUIETLY: D, D, A...

STARTS PLAYING

And I want to dedicate this song to anyone out there...

..creating.

This song... This song came to me in fragments.

And then...the fragments came together and they spoke to me.

Sorry. Like the... Like the memory of a dream...

# Where is the moment you needed the most?

# You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost... #

Keith, is that Bad Day by Daniel Powter?

# They tell me your passions gone away

# And I don't need to carry on

# Because you had a bad day

# You're taking one down

# You sing a sad song

# And you turn it around... #

Look, I asked Linda for an original song

and the stupid idiot gave me an original song...

By Daniel Powter.

Yes.

You're always banging on about being bold and chasing your dreams.

This last week, I realised... I'm shit at this.

Do you have any idea how soul-destroying it is to realise

that you can't do the one thing you've always wanted to do?

No.

I'll never play Wembley. I'm never going to have a number one album.

I'll never be good enough for you.

Wait.

So this was entirely about me?

Well, yeah.

And also me.

That is really hot.

You're not embarrassed? No.

I'm not. ROBOTIC VOICE: Here's one I pretended to write earlier.

LAUGHTER

Good one, Keith!

Eat a turd, Keith!

HAD A BAD DAY PLAYS

Woo, Keith!

Don't be so disgusting. Sorry.

He's amazing! CHANTING: Keith, Keith, Keith!

He's amazing!

All right, love, I'll do that. I will.

Nighty-nighty, then.

Linda, it's Michael.

Hello, Michael.

Yes.

Yes. I understand.

I am a dipshit who cannot follow basic instructions,

and should be smelted for my metals.

Goodnight, Michael!

OK...

Right, well, I'm going to bed, then.

Tom can purchase another Roxy, the T68/700 is an affordable model.

I think he might need a bit more time.

Humans, we get attached to things.

That's why we find it so hard to let go.

I know it's difficult to understand because you're never going to die.

Yes, but I will never get to taste ice cream.

SUE CHUCKLES

Goodnight, Linda.

Goodnight, Sue.

Don't forget to take your tablets.