Original subtitles

Me? What'd I do?

Oh, sure.

Okay, CeeCee, you either need to be extra cute or whip up a fever.

Right.

-Hello. -You know how fast you were goin'?

Well, that depends. Do you know how fast I was going?

-I do. -That's unfortunate.

I'm sorry, I-I was just drop-

Aw, hang on, aren't you the weather lady from Channel Seven?

Oh, well. As a matter of fact, I am.

You will never believe what just happened.

I got pulled over for speeding.

Oh, I've seen you drive. I believe it.

Not the point. He was gonna give me a ticket,

and then he recognized me from TV and let me off.

Hmm, how fast were you goin'?

Not important. I can get away with stuff!

Was CeeCee with you?

Yes, and she was perfectly safe the entire time.

Where is she now?

I'll be right back.

-So, he just let me off with a warning. -Ah, how about that?

I was so excited, it was hard not to speed home.

-But you did. -I did.

You know, the dry cleaner has pictures of celebrities up on the wall.

Maybe we should give them your headshot.

Oh. Well, I-I wouldn't call myself a celebrity.

I mean, the cop did, but I wouldn't.

You know, I've always wondered,

do those people walk in there with their picture,

or do they get asked for one and bring it with them next time?

These are the things you wonder about.

Well, I'm naturally curious.

Hey, it'd be pretty cool to see my daughter's picture on the wall

next to Caroline Minkus.

Who?

Miss Medford, nineteen seventy-eight. She hula-hooped.

If it gets us a discount, I say bring 'em a picture.

What do you ever get dry cleaned?

How about the suit I wore to my dad's funeral?

That got dark fast.

-Whatcha doin'? -Answerin' fan mail.

Oh, cool.

I once sent a letter to Tony Danza. He never wrote back.

-What'd you ask him? -Who really was the boss.

Guess we'll never know.

Well, I think it's important to let the viewers know that I appreciate them.

Well, I hope you saved some appreciation for your biggest fan.

Well, you might have some competition because this one drew a picture of me.

Well, that's a little racy, ain't it?

You're not jealous of a drawing, are you?

Well, of course not. 'Cause I got the real thing,

and you're just as hot in that baggy shirt and boxers.

-Okay, I gotta finish this. -That's fine, I'll just say my prayers.

Lord, thank you so much for my amazing, beautiful wife.

Subtle.

Excuse me, I'm talking to the Lord.

Please let me show her how much I love her in a husbandly way.

Whoa, what's happenin'?

Your prayers are bein' answered. Shut up.

Where you goin'?

I was asked to play at the high school baseball game.

Really? You know what to play?

Old-timey organ music. And I learned Take Me Out to the Ball Game, and...

-That's called "Charge." -Okay.

-Gettin' paid? -I didn't think to ask.

Yeah, why would you?

Hey, I'm gonna go run some errands. You wanna come with me?

Oh. Where you going?

Oh, post office, grocery store, maybe the dry cleaner's.

You just want me to come so you can show me off.

Yes. Go change.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I don't know if you've met my daughter.

-Mandy. -Hello.

You might recognize her.

I don't think so.

-Well, my daughter here- -Mom, stop.

She's just bein' modest. She is the weekend weather girl.

I have her headshot right here, if you maybe wanna put it up on your wall?

-Mom. -What?

-She doesn't want it. -Of course she does.

She's just starstruck.

If you have a pen, she'll sign it.

Okay. We're leaving. Thank you.

Channel 7, six o'clock, she's very good.

Mom!

Huh. Nice.

That way, you can still see her every day when she leaves you.

Hey, don't be jealous.

If you ever date a girl and she's on TV, you can put her picture up too.

For your information, I did date a girl who was on Maury once.

I was not the father.

Hey, here for your truck?

-Yep. Is it ready? -Yes, sir. I'll grab your keys.

All right, let's settle ya up.

-Cash or card? -Oh, card.

Hey, ain't that the new weather girl?

Oh, sure is.

Ooh, she's a looker, ain't she?

She's an attractive woman.

Who's also good at her job.

-So, she come in here? -Sometimes.

-She really that hot in person? -Hey, that's my wife.

-Sorry. -But yeah.

-Here are your keys. -Thanks.

Hey. He really married to the weather girl?

No. Is that what he been tellin' you?

I knew she was too hot for you.

Hey, pal, we made a baby on the first try.

Nice save.

Maybe we should get a bigger TV.

Bigger? This one's twenty-seven inches.

I know, but now they got ones twice as big.

That's fifteen hundred dollars and weighs almost four hundred pounds.

Yeah, well, that's only like-

What is that, like, three, four bucks a pound?

You want a bigger TV? Sit closer to that one.

-Hello. -Hey, how'd it go?

-Not good. -Oh, no, sweetie. What happened?

Well, in the first inning, I played "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

Hmm, no, you don't play that until the seventh inning.

I have been made aware.

Well, anyone could've made that mistake.

I also played "Charge" when the other team was at bat.

Oh, God.

Well, did anyone say "Charge"?

They said, "Boo."

Maybe they were booing the other team.

Someone threw a hot dog at me.

So you had lunch?

-Hey. -Hey.

I was thinkin' we could go out for Mexican, have a romantic evenin'.

Okay. Well, nothing says romance like beans and cheese.

-Well, is that a yes? -Sure. Let me go hop in the shower.

I'll put on my fancy shirt.

-What are you callin' a fancy shirt? -Well, one that ain't got my name on it.

-That was a long shower. -Oh, I had to shave my legs.

-How's it comin'? -Five more minutes.

I think you're beautiful without makeup.

This isn't for you.

Home stretch.

-Mandy, it's just dinner. -Yeah, but what if I get recognized?

Well, you can't get recognized if the restaurant's closed.

All right. All done.

-Great. -Just have to pick out the right shoe.

-How do you know what's the right shoe? -Well, you try 'em all on.

You do look beautiful.

-So, worth the wait? -Absolutely.

Should we start with margaritas?

It does add excitement wondering if my husband's gonna get carded.

And I didn't bring my fake, so we're really rollin' the dice.

Here you go.

What's this?

From the gentleman at the bar. He's a fan.

Oh. Good thing I curled my hair.

Thank you!

-Don't wave at him. -Why? It's nice.

No, it ain't. I'm sittin' right here.

Well, what do you want me to do, send it back?

Yes, you're married. You don't take drinks from strange men.

It's a free drink. It's not a big deal.

-I can pay for my wife's drinks. -You're being ridiculous.

Excuse me. Two margaritas, please.

Sure thing. Just need to see some ID.

We get so few nights out alone, and you ruined it.

I didn't ruin it. That guy ruined it.

-How? -Well, he was tryin' to sleep with you.

He was not!

Mandy, as a guy who's constantly tryin' to sleep with you,

I know what it looks like.

Okay, so what if he was? I mean, I'm married to you.

I'm going home with you.

You're the one I'm not gonna have sex with tonight.

Well, I'm just sayin',

you wouldn't like it if other girls were flirtin' with me in front of you.

Other girls do flirt with you in front of me.

Like when?

Uh, the redhead at the park with CeeCee.

The cashier in the tube top who kept calling you "cutie."

The Hot Dog on a Stick girl who stared at you as she applied mustard.

Oh, that's just good customer service.

So, when it happens to you, it's fine, but when it happens to me, it's not?

Agreed.

I wasn't presenting that as an option.

Look, I know how guys think, and I don't want 'em thinkin' it about you,

especially when I'm sittin' right there.

So, you're mad at me because guys suck?

No, I'm mad because you know they suck, and you encourage 'em.

I was just sitting there, minding my business.

Oh, please, you were looking good and you know it.

-Where's Mandy's picture? -Took it down.

Ooh, do tell.

Mind your business.

I'd love to, but I'm nosy.

Fine. I took her out for dinner last night and some clown buys her a drink,

and I'm sittin' right there.

-Damn, what'd you do? -We got in a fight.

-Ooh. You kick his ass? -No.

He kick your ass?

Me and Mandy got in a fight.

She kick your ass?

-Forget it. -I get how you feel.

-Really? -Yeah. I woulda laid that guy out.

I wanted to, but then what? Do I punch every guy who hits on her?

I don't see you have any choice.

And I need to find somebody smarter to talk to.

Can you teach me about baseball?

-You goin' back? -I'm not a quitter.

What about football, soccer, karate?

Still not over that, huh?

Have a seat.

So. There's two teams, and the game lasts nine innings.

Each inning, both teams get to bat until they get three outs.

-Why three outs? -I don't know.

-Why nine innings? -I don't know.

Why is it called an inning?

-Doesn't matter. -Because you don't know.

The-The important thing is that when the opposing team is at bat,

try not to pump 'em up with music.

But baseball's so boring. I think that's why they brought me in.

-Mm-hmm. Just play when your team is up. -Fine.

All right, and you can have fun with this.

L-Like if the opposing team's pitcher gets pulled from the game,

you can play a little "Hit the Road Jack."

-'Cause the pitcher's leaving? -Yes.

-Kinda mean, isn't it? -Well, yeah.

Well, he-he's the enemy.

But as the official organist, shouldn't I be impartial?

No. You're a member of the team.

-I didn't get a uniform. -Only the players get uniforms.

The coach has a uniform.

Only the players and the coach.

The bat boy had a uniform.

Son, you are killing me.

-Took these outta the dryer for you. -Oh, thanks.

That's nice.

Yeah? I was thinkin' about wearin' it for work.

Is it the suit Georgie wore to his dad's funeral?

I am just trying to look professional.

Yes, people are always saying,

"Let's tune in and see how sensibly dressed the weather girl is."

I don't know if I'm comfortable with people watching just because I'm hot.

They aren't. You're very good at this.

But you are also a babe.

Which you get from me.

I'm just starting to get a little more attention.

Well, isn't that the point?

Yeah, but it's making Georgie uncomfortable.

Oh, please. Men always like havin' a pretty wife

till they're worried someone's gonna steal her away.

Oh, did Dad ever get jealous?

Oh, you betcha.

You know, I actually think it's good for a marriage.

-You do? -Yeah.

Keeps them on their toes. Keeps the fire alive.

That sounds like a psycho power move.

Thank you.

I'm just sayin', there's nothin' wrong with usin' all the assets God gave you.

So, God wants me to show a little skin?

He's a man. Of course he does.

Here you go.

Thanks for buyin'.

You're havin' a rough time, what with your wife being so pretty and successful.

It has been hard.

-Hey, sweetheart. Can I get a Lone Star? -You got it, hon.

How 'bout I buy you one? I hate drinkin' alone.

Thanks, but I'm workin'.

What time you get off?

Buddy, she ain't interested.

Who asked you?

What are you doing?

She's workin'. She don't need him hittin' on her.

You oughta mind your business.

Oh, excuse me, but this lady is someone's daughter.

Maybe even someone's mother.

-I look like a mom to you? -I'm tryin' to make a point here.

And you did. Now have a pretzel.

Just 'cause she's wearin' a tiny skirt and showin' off her belly,

don't mean she needs some creepy loser botherin' her.

-Go ahead, say it. -No need.

-You know you want to. -I do.

But I'm exercising restraint.

Georgie, I told you-- No, not gonna.

Continue for at least another--

Honey, Connor's game is on.

-He sounds good. -Well, I told him to have fun with it.

Please rise for the national anthem.

Oh, God.

-What is he doing? -Havin' fun with it.

-Whatcha doin'? -Fan mail.

-Oh, can I help? -Oh, sure.

So exciting.

All the way from Jasper.

What's this stuff?

Huh. Looks like hair?

Kinda curly.