Original subtitles

Up and down, up and down

up and down, up and down.

Daddy, I'm ready.

‐ Thank you very much. ‐ Just doing my job.

♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ Aah ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV ♪

♪ When did I get to livin' here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me please ♪

♪ This old world's confusin' me ♪

♪ Clouds as mean as you ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird that knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪

♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪ ♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪

♪ There's a face of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting ♪

♪ To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Do‐be‐do‐ba‐ba‐da ♪

Up you go. I'm waiting.

Hey, Michelle. How are you doing?

This Yo‐Yo is broken.

Well, I have something better for you.

Since I opened a savings account

I want you to have my old piggy bank.

Thank you very much.

Hey, where's the money?

Well, you have to earn it yourself.

You could check the couch cushions

or find someone who's a soft touch

look real cute

and say, "please feed my piggy."

Please feed my piggy.

Boy, you picked that one up real fast.

Here's a quarter.

Ooh, I like that sound.

Bishop to King's Knight four.

Check.

King me.

‐ Hello. ‐ Hi, Steph.

Hey, Stephanie. How was school today?

Oh, just another day in third grade.

Here's a silly note from my teacher.

You don't have to read it. Just sign it.

You don't mind if I just skim it, do you?

Steph, it says here that you're having trouble reading

a‐and you need to have your eyes examined.

Isn't that silly? He he.

Well, if it's so silly let's see you read that note.

Okay. "Dear Mr. Tanner

"lately Stephanie has been holding her paper

very close to her face."

See, no problem.

You're getting your eyes checked.

But what if they tell me I need glasses?

I'm gonna look like a geek.

Sweetheart, you are not gonna look like a geek.

But if you don't take care of this now

your eyesight could get worse.

All those years eating carrots.

What a waste.

Please feed my piggy.

Oh‐h, I have some pennies for your piggy to snack on.

He's very hungry.

You got any quarters?

Go talk to your dad.

I got quarters. Here ya go.

Here's a quarter.

Here's 50 cents.

Here's 75 cents.

Okay, Jess, now this is the last decision

we have to make for the wedding.

Should the waiters at the reception wear white gloves?

Who's paying again?

‐ My parents. ‐ Go for the white gloves.

Alright. That's it. No more decisions.

We've made every teeny, tiny, minuscule

trivial decision about this wedding.

It's over. Hallelujah.

Well, honey, there is one teeny, tiny

minuscule, trivial decision

you've been putting off since we got engaged.

Who's going to be your best man, Danny or Joey?

Oh, I know I've been avoiding this.

Alright, I'll tell you what, as soon as we're all together

I'll pick the best man and that'll be it.

Great. Danny, Joey, get in here.

Are you crazy, embarrassing me like this.

I don't know which one I'm gonna pick‐‐

‐ Hi, boys. ‐ Hey.

What's going on?

Well, uh, now that we're all together

there's something very important

I want to talk about.

We're going with the white gloves.

Hey, we're very happy for the both of you.

Well, actually, we've planned out the whole wedding

except for one little detail.

Uh...I have to pick a best man.

This, I‐I can't do this. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

Oh, Jess, it's no big deal.

Nobody's feelings are gonna be hurt.

That's right. Whatever you guys decide, it's fine with us.

We're mature adults.

Alright.

I pick Joey.

Yes, I get to be the best man. Yes.

If that's what you want, it's cool with me.

Congratulations, Joey.

Danny, uh, I'd like you to be my...head usher.

Oh, hey, that's, that's terrific.

Well, if for any reason, Joey is unable

to perform his duties as best man

or he does anything to bring disgrace to his position

the head usher steps up and assumes the crown.

Ah, see?

Well, if needed, I'm, I'm ready to serve.

Yeah, well, thanks for taking this so good.

Hey, I could still win the swimsuit competition.

♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Poor boy you're bound to ♪

♪ Die.. ♪

Danny.

This, uh, happy little hanging tune

wouldn't have anything to do with me picking Joey

as my best man, would it?

Jess, not at all.

W‐when you think about best man or head usher

there's not really much of a difference.

The best man gets to stand next to the groom

give him the ring, make the toast.

Basically be the star of the wedding.

And the head usher, he gets to say

"I'm sorry, those seats are for the family."

Are you trying to make me feel bad? 'Cause its working.

I would never do that to you.

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

I'm sorry. Those seats are for the family.

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low.. ♪

Dad, you've got to help us.

‐ What's goin' on? ‐ It's my cousin, Steve.

He's in town for the big science fair.

And he won't quit bugging us.

Julie and I are trying to write an article

for the school paper

but her cousin is kind of a..

What's the word I'm lookin' for?

Pain in the butt?

That'll work.

That's him.

Dad, you never saw us.

And if he asks where we are, we were never here

and we're never coming back.

Got it.

How annoying could one kid be?

Honey, I'm home.

S‐Steve Urkel at your service.

Hi, Steve.

Listen, Steve, uh, DJ and Julie were never here

and they're never coming back.

Never? Oh, that's okay. I'll wait.

Say, do you have a spare accordion?

We can jam.

No, my accordion is in the shop.

How you doing? I'm, I'm Danny Tanner, DJ's dad.

That's Jesse Katsopolis, my brother‐in‐law.

‐ Hi. ‐ Joey's not here.

He's, uh, Jesse's best man.

I'm just the head usher.

Well, geez, Danny, you sound a little bitter.

May I suggest that you just suck it up and get on with your life.

Kid's got a point.

Boy, am I hungry. Got any cheese?

Uh, you can't go in there

because, um, we're out of cheese.

Oh, no problemo, I'll just pour a glass of milk

and wait for it to curdle.

Uh, Steve, Steve, Steevo.

Steve, I‐I can't help noticing

that you, uh, walk like the you still have

the hanger in your shirt.

‐ Oh, why, thank you. ‐ You're welcome.

Steve, I'd like to help you

because, uh, quite frankly, you need help.

See, when you're walking, you got, you gotta be loose, man.

You gotta kinda just let it be cool, you see.

That's it. Loosen up.

Be very fluid.

Flu‐fluidity is the key.

That's the move. That's it, now.

Once you get it going, you shift the weight and go, you see.

And it's a strut, and it's cool.

And it's a strut, and it's cool. Like that. See?

‐ Very inspiring. ‐ Alright.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, that's close.

Yeah, well.

Well, that was a walk on the wild side.

But now let's try it with your elbows out.

You'll find it's much better for circulation.

‐ Like this? ‐ Yeah.

Alright, I'll try it.

‐ Yeah, you're doing fine. ‐ Okay.

Hey, you know, I do feel the blood flowing‐‐

Yeah.

What am I doing?

Well, here's another fun way to kill time.

Let's share our life stories. I'll go first.

I was born on a cold Chicago night, 1976

the year of America's bicentennial.

My mom was in a great deal of pain

and I was charging through‐‐

I think I hear the girls coming home.

Right in the kitchen. There you go.

Anyhow, good day, gentlemen.

Okay.

'Oh, ladies.'

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.

Guess who got some new glasses?

Guess who never wants to wear them?

Oh, come on, I'll bet they look great.

I look like a total dweeb.

Oh, come on. Hey, look at this.

I wear reading glasses.

And yeah, there. Do I look like a total dweeb?

Not totally.

Honey, put them on. Let us see 'em.

Okay.

There. You saw them.

You know, for a second there

I thought you actually looked sharp.

Yeah, you look very sophisticated.

That's what I've been telling you since

we left the eye doctor, Steph.

Thanks, but I know you're just being nice

because you're my family.

Do I look like a dweeb?

‐ No. ‐ No.

You're just being nice 'cause you're my family.

Hi, Comet.

You'll be honest.

What do you think of my new glasses?

I knew it.

I'm the biggest geek in third grade.

‐ I think we lost him. ‐ Lost who?

Just some pesky kid that keeps following us around.

You know, some people just don't know when they're not wanted.

Hi, DJ.

Hi, Julie.

Hi, kid I don't know.

Steve, this is my sister Michelle.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Michelle.

Why do you talk like a Mickey Mouse?

That's because I'm from Chicago.

Want to feed my piggy?

Well, sure.

Here's a bright, shiny penny.

Michelle, did you know that with prevailing interest rates

that penny will be worth almost three cents

at the turn of the century?

Yes, I did.

Steve, this is my other sister Stephanie.

Hi, Stephanie.

Nice to meet you, Steve.

I don't mean to be rude

but I really don't feel like company right now.

Is everything okay, Steph?

I just feel like being alone.

Come on, girls.

The little lady wants some privacy.

So let's make like Tom and Cruise. Heh heh.

So tell me, why so melancholic, baby?

I can't tell you my problems. I don't even know you.

Oh. Well, I was born in Chicago on a cold winter night in 1976.

My mom was in a great deal of pain

and I was chargin' through‐‐

Okay. Okay.

I'll talk.

I just got my first pair of glasses.

Oh, well, welcome to the club.

You know, some people look far more attractive

with glasses than without.

Take me, for example.

As good as I look now..

See how studlier I become.

Truly amazing.

But if I wear these to school..

...all the kids are going to tease me.

Oh, sure, in a class of 30

you may have 15 or 20 misguided souls

that may say "hey, four eyes,"

or "yo, coke bottles" or "que pasa, window face?"

But that won't bother you, will it?

Window face?

The trick is to make them laugh

with you before they laugh at you.

And always remember, hold your head up high.

Otherwise, those suckers will slide right off your nose.

‐ Hi, buddy. ‐ Hey.

What do you say, you and I spend a little more

quality time together, huh?

Let's go out and clean some grout, shall we?

Jess, I know you're just being nice to me

because you didn't make me you're best man.

You're right.

I don't even know what grout is.

Listen, this thing has been bugging me all night

and I‐I think I made the wrong choice.

Joseph!

Wait a minute, Jess, what are you doing?

I'll take care of this right now.

Hey, what's up, Jess?

Joey, I'm sorry but I think I may have made a mistake

when I picked you for best man.

Look, if I did anything to disgrace my position, I'm sorry.

Just please don't make me head usher.

Ah, let me finish. Let me finish.

What I mean to say is, I don't think

I should have just picked just you.

I'm gonna have two best friends, so I pick both of you.

You can't have two best mans.

Yeah, you're breaking tradition

and it's bad grammar.

A‐ah, since when do I care about tradition?

You're looking at a guy who didn't wear that

cardboard hat at his graduation

because I was afraid it would ruin my coif.

Hey, look, the two best men thing is okay with me

if it's okay with Danny.

Anything's better than being head usher.

Aw, thank you, my boys, my boys, alright.

Okay, class, take out your library books

for silent reading time.

Stephanie?

Yes, Miss Claire?

Your dad called me this morning.

He told me he got you new reading glasses.

Yeah, I have them right here.

Since we're reading, maybe it'd be a good time to try them on.

Maybe it would.

Hey, Steph, you got glasses? Let's see.

The trick is to make them laugh with you

before they laugh at you.

Let's see your new glasses.

Here they are.

My glasses fit great but my eyeballs are loose.

I'm just kidding.

Those weren't my real glasses.

These are.

Oh, no. My head shrunk.

A‐ah!

Stephanie, could I please see you at my desk?

‐ Ooh. ‐ Ooh.

Now, you kids behave yourselves.

I've got eyes in the back of my head.

Stephanie.

Alright, a nickel.

Alright, a cheeto.

Ice cream man. Ice cream man. Ice cream man.

Wait for me. I got money.

Give me back my money, you pig.

Michelle, what's wrong?

I need ice cream. Rip its head off.

Michelle, get a grip.

The whole point of a piggy bank

is to save your money for something very important.

Ice cream is very important.

Sorry, Michelle. The ice cream man is gone.

He's really gone?

Put the lip away.

It just so happens that there are a box of fudgesicles

hidden in the back of the freezer.

But it's not the same.

Hey, did I just hear the ice cream man?

You just missed him, but follow me.

There are fudgesicles in the freezer.

But it's not the same.

Hey, Steph, what are you working on?

Oh, just some homework.

Ohh.

"I will not disrupt the class.

I will not disrupt the class."

Did you by any chance disrupt the class today?

Yeah, I snuck into your joke bag

and borrowed all your funny glasses.

The teacher put them in her desk.

But you can have them back at the end of the year.

Steph, that's not like you to act up in class.

I know, but I had to make them laugh with me

before they could laugh at me.

Oh, I get it. The class clown routine.

Yeah, I did that once. Except I was the chubby kid.

They used to call me walrus. So I would go..

Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel sometimes.

What did they say to you?

Well, this one kid said

"You got glasses? Let me see."

That was it?

Well, he said it pretty loud.

So then none of the kids actually teased you?

No, but they would have.

Well, Steph, anybody who would tease you is a jerk.

Because with or without your glasses

you're the most beautiful third grader I know.

And I want you to take a look at yourself

in the mirror with those glasses on.

And you'll see that you look just fine.

I already have.

Trust me, it was not a pretty sight.

Well, that's because you saw what you're afraid of

rather than what was really there.

Now get over to that mirror, and tell me what you really see.

‐ Okay. ‐ Come on.

Now, what do you see?

Hey...it's me.

No, it's the new, improved you.

Because now you can read.

Thanks, Joey. I feel better.

You know, I think you look pretty mature.

‐ Really? ‐ Uh‐hmm.

Do you think I could pass for a fourth grader?

Well, why don't you put the stem of your glasses in your mouth

and think upper elementary school.

O‐oh, that right there

that's fifth grade, yeah.

Oh, hot, oh, look at that. High‐fashion model.

‐ You're driving. ‐ What kind of car?

Let's go all the way...Porsche.

Yeah.

Alright, there you go, kiddo.

♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ Do‐be‐do‐ba‐ba‐da ♪