Original subtitles

(drumroll)

(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)

(fanfare ends)

(rap music playing)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's a classic, baby ♪

♪ I been all over the world ♪

♪ But, you know ♪

♪ Georgia, there's nothing I wouldn't do for ya ♪

♪ I hope you don't mind that I show ya ♪

♪ I want the whole world to know ya ♪

♪ 'Cause waking up here in the morning got me moving ♪

♪ Soon as I'm yawning ♪

♪ I'm ready to rise and grind and shine ♪

♪ For socializing, enterprising ♪

♪ On my mind is glory, so somebody tell my story ♪

♪ Few people might think that it's boring ♪

♪ But, Georgia, you wouldn't ignore me ♪

♪ You treated me oh so well, and particularly ATL ♪

♪ And whenever you want to see me, hey, it's easy ♪

♪ You can meet me, I'm on Peach Street, come on ♪

♪ Yeah, we're on a mission and we're lighting the streets up ♪

♪ Come and watch us glisten, you can try to keep up ♪

♪ Every day on the ground ♪

♪ You never slow us down ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

(tires screech)

(siren wailing)

(tires screeching)

FBI. Pull over now!

Oh, you want to go?

No!

You will not get your mail till I get to your house.

Don't make me use the PIT maneuver.

I will get to your house when I get to your house!

(screaming)

Get out of the truck.

Put your hands in the air.

What is wrong with you?

You could've stopped back there.

You made me have to chase you, man.

Please, God, let someone be taping this in the bushes.

Just give me what I want.

Whoa, whoa!

That's a federal offense, all right?

Only the mailman touches the mail.

You do realize I'm packing, don't you?

(groans)

Yeah. I could pop one in your ass!

Okay. All right, all right.

Just relax.

Do I got to pop one?

Chillax.

Okay?

I got your mail right here.

Okay.

Capital One credit card

with no introductory interest rate.

Nah. No.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Steam Clean Carpet Service.

No.

Okay, true 'dat, true 'dat-- Duke University!

Boo-ya!

(laughs)

Come here!

Wait, come here!

No!

Come here!

(screaming)

Come-- Come here!

(tires screech)

Come here!

I'm warning you! Come here!

(Malcolm grunting, mailman screams)

Hey, I know it's college decision day,

but you win the Crazy Parent Award!

Thick. Thick, thick.

My boy got in. My boy got in!

Thank you.

Hey!

Don't be surprised when I lose your tax refund!

(car horn honks)

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey! Trent!

Trent!

(chuckles): Oh.

You up there?

Whoo!

Trent, you're on your way.

Oh.

(dialing)

(line ringing)

MAN (over phone): Desert Retreat.

Hi. Uh, I need to speak to my wife, Sherrie.

I'm sorry. No phone calls allowed.

Yeah, well, I-I know no phone calls allowed,

but, um, you see, it's an emergency.

Our son just got accepted...

Sir, your wife is in complete isolation

for the next 72 hours.

Come on.

It's a mind-body retreat.

It's not Area 51.

Uh-oh. Please take a soothing breath with me.

No, I will not take a soothing breath with you.

Namaste.

But I can come down there

and snatch that ponytail off your head.

Namaste.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello...

Duke University.

MAN: What?

Malcolm?

MALCOLM (over phone): Speaking.

It's Jason Bourne.

I told you, we don't use code names.

You take all the fun away, Chocolate Thunder,

you know that?

A'ight, what do you want, Nicky?

The exchange is tonight.

11:00 p.m.

You got what they want?

Yeah, as long as you got what I want.

And listen.

I'm thinking now Bali.

Ah, well, you know,

there's no witness protection program in Bali.

But don't worry-- we-we're gonna take care of you.

All right, then Mexico.

But not Cabo!

It's gotten way too touristy.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

Chocolate?!

(people cheering over phone)

Trent!

TRENT (over phone): Hey, Malcolm.

Where are you?

I'm, uh, I'm at the library.

Library?

Yeah.

But it's noisy.

It's Book Appreciation Day.

Well, look, Trent, we need to talk, all right?

So, um, come home soon.

We-We got to talk.

Uh, I-I'm losing you.

All right.

(phone beeps)

(hip-hop beat playing, people cheering)

♪ I'm a lyrical miracle ♪

CROWD: ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Baby, quick-witted, better get with it ♪

♪ Stay sick with it, they saying ♪

♪ I'm a lyrical miracle ♪

CROWD: ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Baby, I'm automatic, a rap fanatic ♪

♪ Let me do my thing ♪

♪ This how I do it, fluid every time I ride by ♪

♪ I'm so incredible, they're forgettable, bye-bye ♪

♪ You know my name ♪

♪ If you didn't hear it, then here it go ♪

♪ I be that lyrical miracle with the witty flow ♪

♪ Looking at that shorty ♪

♪ She's a cutie, so what's your name? ♪

♪ Baby, you should call me ♪

♪ I can scoop you and we can hang ♪

♪ Okay, if not then I ain't twisting your arm ♪

♪ But don't be trying to holla at me ♪

♪ When you're singing along ♪

CROWD (singing along): ♪ I'm a lyrical miracle, hey! ♪

♪ Baby, quick-witted, better get with it ♪

♪ Stay sick with it, they saying ♪

♪ I'm a lyrical miracle ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Baby, I'm automatic, a rap fanatic, let me do my thing. ♪

(electricity crackles, music stops)

(crowd groaning, murmuring)

Hey, y'all, uh, the Prodi-G's a little parched.

So, I'll be back for a second set, a'ight?

This is wack!

You serious?

(crowd murmuring)

Library?

How'd you find me?

The Bureau tracked your phone.

Ooh, yo, thank God my dad's an orthodontist.

For real. That's some Nazi Germany shnizzle.

Let's talk now.

Uh-uh.

Scratch and Rembrandt are my family.

Whatever you got to say, you can say in front of them.

Oh, "family."

Mm-hmm.

Ah.

All right, well, in my family, we give out ass-whuppings.

And right now I'm looking at a lot of fresh, unwhupped ass.

Yeah, a little, on this little-- Ow!

(both chuckle)

You have a great day, Mr. Turner!

Hey, Trent, we love you, but I ain't with no ass-whupping.

Yo, yo, hold it down.

All right.

Yeah.

Sell some CDs!

Okay!

Why you embarrass me in front of everybody?

I'm embarrassing you?

Trent, you got a lot to learn.

Come on, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: You know, it wouldn't hurt

to call me "Dad" every once in a while.

All right, let's rewind.

This should be a happy day, all right?

Yeah, but I ain't the one who brought the rain.

Some great news came in.

I know. They called me.

Yeah, I'm just like,

wait till they hear my new stuff.

Right? I'm just talking about fire, man!

New stuff? What are you talking about?

Wait. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Duke!

Oh! No, look, forget college, man.

So, check this out.

This promoter got ahold of my mix tape.

The Achievement, Volume One.

Right?

So, he's putting together this tour of young MCs

in the fall and the winter,

called "The Freshman Class," right?

Entire East Coast and Cincinnati!

Trent, people don't go to Cincinnati.

They leave Cincinnati.

And the only catch is...

(sighs)

...I'm not 18 yet,

so I'm gonna need you to sign this contract.

Because the Prodi-G is still a minor.

Whoa. Whoa.

In age only.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got into Duke today.

You're a Blue Devil now!

So?

So that's your dream!

No, that's your dream.

I ain't going to no lame college

when I can be on the road making money!

I ain't signing that contract.

MALCOLM: You got to give it a rest.

I'm just saying, this is my big break, man!

And, like, if I don't have the contract signed in five days,

they gonna have some wack ringtone rapper

from Saint Louis.

Trent, you have the rest of your life to go on the road.

But for these next four years...

Four years?!

(laughs) You joking, right?

You joking? Like, you know how long that is in hip-hop years?

Aw, come on, Malcolm, look at this. Look.

It's a blueprint.

For a house of success.

All built on a strong, strong flow.

A strong flow?

Yeah.

Well, you need a education.

What you gonna do when that flow dries up?

I'll just transition into acting.

Oh, man.

Every time you open your mouth, you prove to me

just how important an education really is.

You know, you-you lucky your mother's not here

to hear you talk that crazy talk.

Mom, Mom. Let's call Mom.

Yeah.

Yes.

She'll let me. Let's ring Mom up.

Go ahead, call her.

And, uh, when you tell her

that you want to throw away college,

she probably gonna bust that little vein in her forehead.

Yeah, it's gonna pop!

Yeah. (makes popping noise)

Okay. But not when she see the mansion I'm gonna buy her.

Ha! Come on.

Only thing I'm signing is a check to Duke.

End of story.

All right? Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.

You know, some of us work.

I'm on the grind. You feel me?

I-I feel you.

You feel me?

Yeah, I feel you.

Yeah.

(mock beat-boxing)

You feel?

Yeah. But I'm talking swimming pools.

You feeling private security?

Come on, we can do it together, Malcolm!

Damn!

(cell phone ringtone): ♪ Lyrical miracle, hey! ♪

REMBRANDT (over phone): Trent!

What's up, man?

Hey, did he sign it?

No. He didn't sign it yet.

(groans)

All right, so phase two.

Ambush the man when he's at his grind.

He'll give you an autograph just to get rid of you.

Yeah.

Ambush him at his grind.

I'm feeling you.

Ha, that's right!

See, that's why I keep you on payroll.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

MALCOLM: Hands away from your chest.

You're gonna dirty the recording.

Sorry.

You got the drive, right?

Yeah.

All right.

There's nothing on this.

Smart, huh?

Are you kidding me?

No.

It's insurance.

'Cause I was thinking, what if they don't give me the money?

What if they check the drive just like I did?

Oh.

Well, the real one's hidden.

It's in a safe place where no one will ever look.

So don't worry about it.

You idiot. Where is it?

Where's my witness protection plan?

It's gonna be in a casket if you don't tell me where it is.

All right.

The Georgia Girls School for the Arts.

What?

I got a buddy works there.

Unbelievable!

(dialing)

Crawford.

Yeah, Malcolm.

Canetti brought a dummy flash.

Yeah, well,

he told me where the real one is, but there's no time.

Well, we're just gonna have to

get Chirkoff to make the exchange.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey.

Let's go.

(engine starts)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Canetti, can you hear me?

CANETTI (over radio): Yeah, I got you, Chocolate.

Go ahead.

Look, if anything goes wrong, get out of there.

Hey, fellas.

Vlad and Dmitri, right?

(sighs)

CANETTI: Hey.

Mr. Chirkoff.

Hey, it's good to see you again.

Naslazhdyeniye.

(chuckles)

Rosetta Stone. Pretty good, huh?

Whoa, whoa!

It's the Prodi-G.

Trent, what the hell are you doing here?

Guaranteeing my future.

Sign my contract.

Hey, get in here and sit down. Stay down!

You think I'm stupid, huh?

You think I'm a stupid man.

Oh, I think you're probably a very intelligent man.

I mean, I don't know you that well.

Autograph it, please.

Shh!

I'm not talking to you.

Well, who you talking to?

I'm talking to the people on the other end of your chest.

Oh, this?

There's nobody there, man.

This is part of my hearing aid.

Get out of the car

and hide now.

What's going on?

Get out of the car and hide now!

What's going on?!

I'm a little hard of hearing in my right ear.

Really?

Yeah.

Show me.

I can't show you. It's...

Show me!

All right. Take it easy, take it easy.

I'll show you everything.

I'll tell you...

FBI!

Come and get your snitch!

You want to come and play?!

Drop it.

Drop it!

All right, give me Canetti, or I take him out.

(grunts)

(grunting)

(groans)

(gunshot)

(groans)

(labored breathing)

(weakly): Music...

What?

It's in the mu...

(gunshot, shell casing clinks on ground)

(cell phone ringtone): ♪ Lyrical miracle, hey ♪

♪ Baby, you know I'm hot I can't... ♪

(phone beeps)

Yo.

Look...

I didn't see anything.

Yo, we cool?

Come on, man! Come on!

Come on!

(screams)

(gunfire)

Oh, my God!

They're shooting!

The truck!

Where are we going?!

Get in the truck!

Okay, okay!

Oh, my God.

(bullets ricocheting)

(tires screeching)

Get down!

(panting)

(grunts)

(gasping)

Are you okay?

I think so.

Do you have any idea how lucky we are right now?

You could've been killed!

What were you thinking?

I mean, what-- he just-just

shot that guy right in front of me.

We're still here, all right? That's what matters.

I mean, like, shouldn't we be calling the FBI or something?

No. FBI's got a leak.

Chirkoff knew we were coming.

Malcolm, I want to go home, man.

Trent, your car is back there.

They probably already ran your tags.

They know everything about us.

You just saw Chirkoff murder someone.

We can't go home.

So what, then?

That-That means h-he's gonna kill me?!

Oh, come on! That is not hot.

I won't let him. All right?

All I got to do is get that flash drive.

Has enough dirt on Chirkoff to put him away forever.

Payoff, hits, everything.

Canetti told me where the flash is hidden.

We just gonna lay low until I can get my hands on it.

Just calm down, all right?

Relax.

Take a soothing breath.

(people chattering)

They haven't called in yet, and you've no idea where they are.

You're the FBI.

What good is a leak if you can't tell me anything?

Just send me the photo.

How's the leg, boss?

The leg's fine!

The FBI's run travel records, rental cars-- nothing.

They haven't left the area.

At least not yet.

Well, what about the flash drive?

Turner knows where it is.

We find Turner, we find the flash drive.

Right now our biggest problem's his kid.

He saw me shoot Canetti.

I want him dead.

I got 15 MP3s of original stuff that ain't been mixed.

You can have that.

Georgia Girls School for the Arts.

You know what?

Just do it like Pac's mom did.

After I'm shot down in the streets,

just release it as a double jam.

Would you knock off the crazy talk?

We gonna get out of this.

Yeah.

That's probably what Biggie thought

when he was staring down the barrel.

Or Pac when he was chilling on the Strip.

I got a plan.

You know what?

Malcolm, just promise me one thing.

What?

Don't let them do a clean version for Wal-Mart.

Preserve who the Prodi-G was.

I'm gonna hide you.

Hide? (scoffs)

I mean, come on.

How you gonna hide a swag big as this?

♪ My shorty's hot ♪

♪ Baby, I'm so pretty, your man want to get with me ♪

♪ Talk high siddity, come on ♪

♪ Yeah, my shorty's hot ♪

♪ They calling me a cutie ♪

♪ Like, yeah, her booty so big ♪

I'm gonna need a shrink after this. You realize that, right?

Well, you didn't seem to mind when you was little

and I caught you trying on your mother's, uh...

Shh! You promised to never bring that up.

I was putting on a play.

(high voice): Lord, Lord, Lord!

You a difficult child, Charmaine Daisy Pierce.

Who are you talking about?

(normal voice): My great-niece.

And you better start sounding like her

'fore you scare someone.

Oh, right. (chuckles)

In that case, how's this?

(deep voice): ♪ Swing low, sweet... ♪

(squealing)

Huh? Huh?

(high voice): Holy mother of Go...!

Yeah. Yeah, right there.

Huh? Now remember that feeling.

(panting)

Fine! If I got to be a chick, can I at least be a cute one?

Next time, I'll buy my own damn clothes!

(high voice): And pull down that skirt!

I can see straight to the Promised Land.

It's pulled down!

After a while, you realize it's just not worth the fight.

Oh, I wasn't even talking to you.

Nosy and all in my business.

Wait up!

("I Don't Think So" by Kelis playing)

♪ You think you might have a chance, I don't think so ♪

♪ You telling me to be nice, I don't think so ♪

♪ You want to get in my pants, I don't think so ♪

(Trent grunting, muttering)

♪ You can lie ♪

♪ Till you die, till you die ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ No, I don't think so. ♪

(normal voice): I don't see how we gonna find

a four-inch flash drive in three-inch heels.

(normal voice): Canetti had a buddy who works here.

We start by finding out who that is and what they know.

Canetti.

Canetti, yeah.

Canetti said something to me right before he died.

He looked at me and he said...

What'd he say?

"It's in the music."

Yeah.

You know, something like that.

I thought he recognized my talent,

knew who the Prodi-G was.

"It's in the music."

Yeah.

Doesn't make sense.

Just like everything else that comes out your mouth.

What?

I'm gonna tell you what don't make sense.

How they gonna let two fat ladies

go poking around this joint.

They have a opening for a house mother.

(high voice): Say what?

(high voice): Park your tush.

Tuck it!

Right over there.

Hi, girl. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Ooh, she's expecting me.

I's running a little late.

Ooh, uh...

Come in!

Whew! Ooh!

May I help you?

Honey, it's me who's gonna help you.

And those poor house motherless girls

you got just waiting for a positive role model.

Hattie Mae Pierce at your service.

But you can call me Big Momma.

Ah, yes.

You e-mailed your resume for the house mother position.

Very qualified, but I think...

Well, thank you!

Thank you.

Y-You know, I will watch over those girls

like they were my own.

Uh, but Miss... Big Momma,

we haven't scheduled any interviews, let alone who we...

(sobbing) Mm-mm!

Look at what those children did to me!

Performance art, my ass!

Beverly, w-what on earth?!

Double-ply?

A-A public school can afford double-ply

and I got to bring in my own Sweet 'N Low?!

MALCOLM: Oh, child,

nobody deserves to be treated like that.

(chuckles) That's not the half.

Damn!

Ooh-- Oh, child, you-you should quit

while you can still do a comb-over.

Now, Beverly, y-you promised us two weeks' notice, so...

You know, every day you don't demand respect,

you die just a little.

You die a little.

You know, she's right.

Nothing's worth living with those demon spawn.

"No child left behind."

Well, you watch me.

I quit!

Ooh.

Can you start today?

Me?!

Oh, thank you!

Sure!

Now, we don't pay very much.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Yeah. Shit, I grew up so poor, we used to go down to

Kentucky Fried Chicken and lick other people's fingers.

Because we couldn't afford the chicken.

And, you know, the oil and grease from the chicken, we...

(smacking lips)

Well, you-you know,

there is one tiny little issue.

What's that?

(school bell ringing)

Hey.

What up?

(girls chattering)

Uh, Miss Gail, this is my great-niece,

Charmaine Daisy Pierce.

Hello.

Hey.

S-So many girls!

I feel like I'm at a Baskin-Robbins.

A festival of flavors!

(chuckles, clears throat)

I mean, mmm, it's, uh, it's so diverse here.

Ah, yes.

Well, we do pride ourselves on diversity. (chuckles)

So, tell me, Charmaine,

do you think that you're a good fit for GGSA?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, mm-hmm.

I like to read.

And, uh, I like to, uh, play music.

And I like salad.

Sweet, delicious, fresh fruit salad.

(chuckles)

(chuckles) She's had a stressful few days.

She's only with me because of some family problems.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

My parents don't support my art.

They think it's a waste of time.

Oh, dear, that is awful.

Well, you have come to the right place.

And my stepfather's always working.

He has an important job in the government.

Which he uses to spy on me.

Ever told the truth, wouldn't have to.

(sobs)

Charmaine, you can audit classes

until your transcripts get here, but I'm afraid since

it's the end of the year, we don't have a roommate for you.

Oh, any old girl will do.

Oh, no, we don't want to put you out.

Charmaine will just stay with her Big Momma.

But my shrink in juvie said

I do better with a role model my own age.

Oh, well, you'll be on the same floor as your peers.

Before you know it, you'll be bosom buddies.

(gasps) Charmaine likes the sound of that!

GAIL: Welcome to your new home.

I'll just show you to your room.

Some of the girls have gone to dinner,

so you'll just see them there.

Okay.

But, oh, there's Mia!

Mia.

(gasps)

Damn!

Ooh!

Mia,

this is your new house mother, Big Momma, and this is

Hi.

her niece, Charmaine, your new classmate.

Hey.

Hi.

Mia is a very promising young actress.

Oh, I'm-I'm okay.

I mean, I can do light comedy, like Sandra Bullock.

Well, you know, before the Oscar.

But I really need to work on expanding my range

in the way that Kate Winslet does.

And Mrs. Orth from Movement says

that I need to listen to my inner voice,

but there's just so many of them, and the loudest one's

always screaming, "Delante's pulling away!"

My gosh, Delante's pulling away.

(sobbing)

(voice breaking): I think I should go now.

Girl, you need a hug!

You... He...

She gets a little emotional.

Who the hell is Delante?

Delante is the boyfriend.

Oh.

Oh, Gail,

maybe we should freshen up before dinner.

All this, um, transition is a bit much for Charmaine.

She should probably rest her eyes

or become unconscious

for a moment or two.

I totally understand.

Your room is at the end of the hall.

Well, look at the wallpaper!

It's so nice!

Chair...

Look.

There's a ballerina on the bed.

I'm Jasmine.

And here's the 411 you probably didn't get on your tour.

I call the shots around here.

So if you two stay out of the way,

we shouldn't have any problems.

Okay?

Now, you listen to me, Tinker Bell.

Big Momma don't take orders from nobody.

Nobody.

We'll see about that.

(normal voice): Towel girl was nice.

I'm going to unpack.

(girls chattering)

You mind?

Do you mind?

Ooh, sit down with such lovely young ladies.

Hell!

Oh!

Whew!

Excuse me.

Charmaine!

Find a seat.

Mmm.

Sit next to me.

(high voice): Oh!

All right.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Oh!

Ooh, ooh!

Oh!

Careful.

Oh, my gosh. Here, um, let me help clean you up.

Oh, no, it's cool.

I'm Haley Robinson.

Hey!

You're, uh, you, you, uh...

(normal voice): You that hot girl from the Promenade.

Yeah.

I'm sorry?

Uh...

(clears throat)

(high voice): I mean, um, I mean, you're not hot.

I mean, the-the Promenade was hot

the-the day I saw you.

I mean, I-I'm not,

I'm not, I'm not saying you not hot, but, uh,

it was hot at the Promenade the day I saw you

being hot there, girl. I'm hot.

(laughs)

Ooh.

I-I'm Charmaine.

Hey, you're funny.

(clears throat) Uh...

Clang-clang-clang-clang, clang-clang, clang-clang, uh!

(scatting upbeat rhythm)

I love that beat.

(continues scatting)

All right, that's it.

Excuse me, but I didn't formally

get to introduce myself.

My name is Hattie Mae Pierce.

But everyone calls me Big Momma.

That's the understatement of the century.

(girls laugh)

Funny.

Very funny.

And this is my niece,

Charmaine Daisy Pierce.

Oh, h-hey.

How you guys doing?

Mm, that reminds me.

You have to do something

before you eat.

Oh, girl, of course!

Uh, uh, dear heavenly...

Attention, everyone!

We have fresh meat that wants to eat.

(cheering, applause)

And what kind of school is this?

GIRLS: School for the Arts!

Exactly.

And that means every new student

must dance, act or sing for their supper.

(girls murmuring)

Hmm.

What'll it be, Charmaine?

What's your talent?

(chanting): Show us what you got.

Show us what you got.

GIRLS: Show us what you got. Show us what you got.

Show us what you got. Show us what you got.

Show us what you got!

Show us what you got! Show us what you got!

(chanting continues)

Charmaine...

Quiet!

Quiet!

(chanting stops)

Ooh!

Anyway, Charmaine's a little under the weather right now.

Maybe she could do it another night.

Oh, no, it's all right, Big Momma.

I got this.

So, what'll it be, Charmaine?

Huh, I'm a rapper.

I can't wait to see this.

(microphone feedback squeals)

Hey, uh, could somebody, uh, give me a beat?

(beat-boxing)

Yeah.

What... uh... yeah.

♪ All my girls in the spot, you know what's up ♪

♪ Just chilling in the caf for some laughs and stuff ♪

♪ Ready to do my thing, y'all ready or what? ♪

♪ Show your girl some love, huh, yeah, what. ♪

(beat-boxing stops)

(girls giggling, murmuring)

Hello?

All girls school? Hmm!

Your girl some love.

(playing upbeat song)

(girls murmuring)

♪ Don't want to give it up? Yeah, I'm cool with that ♪

♪ That's fine, besides, who knew I could rap? ♪

♪ I got skills, thrills, plus a winning attitude ♪

♪ I got no time for no wack dudes ♪

♪ You don't even know what I got under here ♪

♪ If you feel the same way, let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah" ♪

GIRLS: ♪ Hell, yeah! ♪

(singing): ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, ain't nobody ♪

♪ Loves me better ♪

♪ Makes me happy ♪

♪ Makes me feel this way ♪

♪ Ain't nobody ♪

(cheering)

♪ Loves me better than you ♪

♪ Yeah, my girl Haley is the truth ♪

♪ And even though I'm new, she done made it real smooth ♪

♪ It's kind of hard being new on the block ♪

♪ Especially when you packing a supersized ♪

♪ Badonkadonk ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Ain't nobody ♪

Yeah!

♪ Loves me better ♪

♪ Makes me happy ♪

♪ Makes me feel this way ♪

♪ Ain't nobody ♪

♪ Loves me better than you ♪

♪ Yo, Haley, get up on the mic ♪

♪ Keep talking about the guy you like ♪

♪ First you put your arms around me ♪

♪ Then what else did he do, girl? ♪

♪ Then you put your charms around me ♪

TRENT: ♪ Okay, but do you think he'd be true? ♪

HALEY: ♪ I can't resist your sweet surrender ♪

♪ Sounds like a good deal to me ♪

♪ Oh, my nights are warm and tender ♪

(cheering)

TRENT: Come on, everybody sing!

♪ Ain't nobody ♪

Whoo, whoo!

♪ Oh, nobody ♪

♪ Loves me better ♪

♪ Gonna love me better ♪

♪ Makes me happy ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, yeah ♪

♪ Makes me feel this way ♪

♪ Ain't nobody ♪

♪ Nobody ♪

♪ Loves me better ♪

♪ Gonna love me better ♪

♪ Gonna love me better than you ♪

GIRLS (chanting): Go, Momma! Go, Momma! Go, Momma!

Go, Momma! Go, Momma! Go, Momma!

Go, Momma! Go, Momma! Go, Momma! Go, Momma!

Go, Momma! Go, Momma!

Go, Momma! Go, Momma! Go, Momma! Go, Momma!

Go Momma!

Oh!

(music, chanting stops)

(groaning): Oh...

(girls gasping, murmuring)

(grunts)

Oh, my gosh!

Big Momma, are you okay?

You okay?

Are you alive?

Ain't nobody...?

(grunts)

MALCOLM: Child?

That there is no meal.

I'm on a diet.

Prima ballerinas can't have any booty.

There's a law or something.

(chuckles): Well, yeah, she-she looks so skinny,

it look like she could dodge raindrops.

(laughter)

Ain't no raindrops gonna...

Oh, my God!

Mia, what's going on?

Delante just dumped me.

(girls gasp)

What?

What?

"Need space.

Still friends?"

He used the sunglasses guy.

You know what? He's probably just confused.

Yeah, he's afraid of intimacy.

He just doesn't want to get hurt.

You think?

Yeah.

Uh... can't you girls read?

A man needs his space.

It says it clearly in black and white.

(scoffs) Duh!

Oh, my God.

Or, uh,

he's, uh, petrified by his passion

and-and he, uh, he doesn't

know how to deal with it.

Girl, the sunglasses guy means that

he's hiding his true emotions.

Mm-hmm. He loves you, girl.

Exactly.

Mm-hmm!

MALCOLM: Child,

like my Aunt Yorima used to say,

it's better to be alone with yourself

for the rest of your life than to be together

with bad company for a minute.

I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life?!

Child, I did not say that.

(murmuring)

No! Mia, don't listen to her.

Oh, my God, no, I can't, I can't do this!

Mia, no...

I was trying to give her some...

Great job, Big Momma.

Any other hearts you want to break?

(growling)

GAIL: Ladies, quiet down, please!

Thank you.

I have an announcement.

Last night, an antique music box was stolen

from our library's special collection.

Now, I know we have a tradition of pranks.

But this is not stealing the mascot

from the boys at Saint Ignatius.

Which is still missing, by the way.

No, this is a crime

against one of our own, which will not be tolerated!

So I strongly suggest that the guilty party,

or anyone who knows anything about this, come forward.

Or risk immediate expulsion.

MALCOLM: The music box.

That's what Canetti was trying to tell you.

(normal voice): What do you mean?

The flash drive's in the music box.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Come on, we're going to the library.

That's where it was stolen.

I just...

Where are you going?

These, these shoes! They hurt.

Heels. And this-this girdle's riding up all inside me.

I can't do it.

All right,

but stay in your room and away from those girls.

All right.

Ooh, mm, I got to take a leak.

(grunts)

(panting)

(groans)

Ah, man.

Ooh, this thing is so tight!

Shoot!

(grunting)

(pee sloshing)

(sighs)

Free at last, free at last.

(knocking)

Yeah?

Charmaine?

(sloshing stops)

(high voice): Um...

I'll be out in a second!

(clears throat)

(pee sloshing)

Give me... (grunts)

(grunting)

Um, are you all right in there?

Yeah!

I'm okay!

I'll-I'll be out there in a minute!

Hey, oh--

Damn.

I mean, hey, hey, Haley.

(chuckles)

Um... I hope I'm not being too personal,

but have you tried Spanx?

Spanx?

You know, body shapers.

You know, they give you the smoothing

without the-the, um, extra padding.

Oh, real-- really?

(laughs)

That extra padding!

Hee-hee!

Anyway, listen, um, they're having a thing for me

in the Common Room in about 15 minutes.

I'd love you to come.

Uh, how nice of you.

Be great.

Great. So I'll see you in a few.

All right.

Um, and wear your pj's.

We go comfy.

You certainly do.

♪ Let's do it ♪

(intro to Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" plays)

(rap music playing inside)

♪ ♪

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

(music stops)

Hi.

My, my, my.

Ooh, Lord.

Hi.

(chuckles): My, my, my!

I'm peeping one fly Zulu queen.

Mm!

(chuckles)

Well, uh, the name is Hattie Mae Pierce.

But everybody calls me Big Momma.

Well, I'm Kurtis Kool.

I make the ladies drool.

(chuckles)

Uh, well, that's nice,

but I'm gonna keep my saliva in my mouth.

(laughs)

Well, back in the day, I used to run the ropes for Run-D.M.C.

You probably recognize me from

my appearance in Krush Groove.

I was the brother with the dope shammy in the car wash.

No.

I had no lines, but I was good.

No?

Well, my last tour was with, uh, LL Cool J.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

In the words of the great master,

"Mama said knock you out!"

(laughs, grunts rhythmically)

Young man.

I am a woman with grandchildren.

Now, I'm the new house mother over in Pryce Hall.

Mm!

And I'm just, uh,

trying to get a lay of the land.

I was wondering...

if I could get a peek around the library.

Well, Kurtis Kool be your backstage pass!

(laughs)

Oh, Kurtis Kool!

Let me get my key.

(laughs)

Well, all right.

Shed a little light.

You know, my momma said big-legged women

gonna kill me.

(laughs)

Found my keys!

(laughs)

You ready to go?

Yeah.

Uh, this-this way?

Uh-huh.

Halle Berry ain't got shit on you.

(rap music playing)

(girls chattering)

♪ Temperature rise, yeah, we so hot ♪

Hello.

♪ All the boys, they stop and stare, 'cause my girls got...♪

Ooh, Lord, I must be in heaven.

Who invited America's sexiest buffalo?

(laughter)

I invited her.

Be nice.

Oh, no.

(chuckles)

What we doing, sacrificing an animal or something?

(mock chuckling)

JASMINE: We are the Divas.

The senior society of GGSA's best artists.

This is our inner sanctum.

TRENT: Oh.

Can we trust her not to narc us out?

I ain't no narc.

That's what a narc would say.

(girls murmur)

That's so true.

Good point.

Good point, girl?

(scoffs)

Let me tell you something about Charmaine Daisy Pierce.

My ex-boyfriend, right?

Marlo.

Doing a bid in Lompoc.

Dealing.

Po-po dragged me in on a trumped-up conspiracy case.

Said if I testified against him, I could walk.

You know what I did?

What?

What'd you do?

What'd you do?

Spent my 15th birthday in juvie.

(girls gasp, murmur)

My birthday cake was four lit matches and a Twinkie.

Twinkie?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

(girls murmuring)

Okay, everyone. We are assembled tonight

to welcome our newest Diva.

Haley Robinson.

Stand up.

(clears throat)

This necklace is a commitment.

A commitment to your life as an artist.

That you will never give up on your friends

or your art.

Do you accept?

I do.

Spin.

Done.

(applause)

(laughs)

Congratulations. You're a Diva.

Uh, Jasmine?

Where-Where is your, uh, necklace?

I'm getting the clasp fixed.

Oh.

GIRL: Welcome to the Divas.

(cheering, applause)

The Inaugural Class Music Box.

Yeah, the first graduating class gifted it to the school.

When you opened it, it played the school song.

Not really worth much, but it's sentimental.

Well, I can't imagine

why anyone would want to steal it.

Unless it had something valuable inside.

I doubt it.

It's been there for so long.

But between you, me and The Kool,

I think the girls lifted it.

You sure?

Look, the other night, I'm wiping down the Reference Room,

I hear the girls sneak in there, giggling.

I look in there, they peaced out.

Mm-hmm.

And so is the music box.

Hmm.

I saw a picture of a man in your office.

He...

He look familiar.

My fishing buddy Tony.

You probably, uh, read about it in the newspaper.

Anthony Canetti?

That's it.

Yeah.

He just left here a couple days ago

for our monthly, uh, poker game.

It's a damn shame.

Uh...

These bobby pins don't stay put.

(both laugh)

Look here, Big Momma.

I got a couple Saint Ides on ice back at the crib.

Oh, no, no.

Big-Big Momma's a wine cooler woman.

(both laugh)

And she's got to get back to her girls.

Wait a minute.

Even a momma bear needs some sugar.

I said that's enough, now!

(grunts)

Oh, God, I forgive you for the '90s.

Thank you, Jesus, for now!

Mm!

("Tambourine" by Eve playing)

Fashion show!

(girls giggling)

♪ Doing it big like I live in the Taj Mahal ♪

♪ Talking ... I don't get in no blahzy blah, ha ♪

Oh, oh, wait, oh!

Hey, you can wear this.

Ah.

(whooping)

♪ She look good always, without a doubt ♪

♪ Ask for her, yes, she back and caking out, come on ♪

You want to borrow some stuff? I have this.

Uh, um...

(girls whooping, chattering excitedly)

♪ Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a-whistling ♪

♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ E-V-E ♪

Oh, no.

♪ Look at them drooling ♪

♪ They ain't used to the sound, I keep them moving ♪

♪ All my ladies, put your hands in the air ♪

♪ It's all right now, we gonna keep you ♪

♪ Up on your feet the whole night now ♪

♪ Pop them bottles, yeah, drink that up, man ♪

♪ Got you feeling crazy, well, that was the plan ♪

♪ They was waiting for me, wasn't ready for this ♪

♪ He got the game sewed up, no, I'm talking 'bout Swizz ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, I know you want to fight it ♪

♪ But why would you try? ♪

♪ We got them shaking everything from the hood... ♪

(music stops)

(girls quiet)

How entertaining.

Everybody back to their rooms, now!

Oh! And by the way...

until the thief who stole that music box comes forward,

lights out time: 8:00 p.m.

Bounce!

(girls sighing)

Oh, don't look with the sour faces. Let's go!

Don't you eyeball me, girl.

You just go on.

Don't corner-eye me!

We was bouncing it out.

You was bouncing it-- Back...!

TRENT (normal voice): "Ten Ways To Snag A Guy"?

That'll never work.

(scoffs)

What's wrong with you?

I told you to stay away from those girls.

I was doing some undercover work.

Getting information.

Undercover?

Yeah, well, that explains you lounging in lingerie.

I was doing what girls do, okay?

But, look, you got to see

the genius of my plan.

(laughs)

Your plan?

Yeah. These girls--

they starting to think I'm on their side.

Right.

Well, the Divas are never gonna talk to you.

Not the way you run the house.

Look, you think The Jackson 5 gave Papa Joe information?

No. Janet had all the dirt.

And I'm their Janet!

Wait. Who the hell are the Divas?

Seriously?

Yeah.

The most popular girls in school!

They're the best artists-- they run this place.

Oh, you need me. (chuckles)

Trust me, I'm a seasoned FBI agent.

I've infiltrated tougher circles

than a posse of gossipy teenage girls.

So how about you stick to the hiding,

and I'll stick to the undercover work?

(high voice): Whatever.

(normal voice): I was just trying to help.

Please, do me a favor: don't help.

Whatever!

Ah.

Where'd you find Jasmine's necklace?

How'd you know this was Jasmine's?

Oh... (chuckles) you don't need me.

You've infiltrated tougher circles

than a posse of gossipy teenage girls.

Okay, uh, fine.

I might be able to use your help.

If I help you, you got to help me.

Help you what?

You got to sign my contract.

How about I think about it?

(scoffs)

How about I go back to reading my Cosmo?

Fine.

Fine.

♪ ♪

Nothing.

Just hundreds of these.

(over stereo): ♪ Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You know I'm hot, I get it popping, so they saying ♪

Not bad.

♪ He's a lyrical miracle ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Turn it off, you idiot.

♪ And it goes... ♪

(music stops)

Let's go.

I know how to find them.

MALCOLM: Charmaine, you're late for class.

(school bell rings)

Now get to ballet.

(piano playing gentle music)

Demi plie.

(panting)

Knees over the toes.

Ooh! (groans)

Chest up.

(grunts softly)

Shoulders back.

Out.

And grand plie!

Ooh!

(gasps)

(screaming)

And up.

I... I can't.

(gasps)

Oh!

Let's get into groups for the routine.

(groans)

Jasmine, head up.

("Maniac" by Michael Sembello playing)

Mm-hmm.

Four, five.

♪ Just a steel town girl ♪

♪ On a Saturday night ♪

...eight. One, two, three...

(fabric rips)

Ooh!

♪ She has danced into the danger zone ♪

Get in line!

Stretch.

Good.

(groans, screams)

Ooh!

(screams)

Are you okay?

(gasping)

One, two, three, four, five, six, sev...

♪ Between will and what will be ♪

(panting)

Ooh! Sweet Jesus.

♪ She's a maniac, maniac ♪

♪ On the floor... ♪

Charmaine, go.

Uh-uh.

Go!

(panting)

(grunts)

♪ She's a maniac, maniac ♪

Slow down.

♪ On the floor... ♪

Watch out!

(girls scream)

(Malcolm and Trent screaming)

♪ Like she's never... ♪

(music stops, Malcolm groaning)

Now I know why they call it The N-Nutcracker.

I was twirling.

(girls chattering)

CHIRKOFF: Have you seen this guy?

No.

I'm looking for this Prodi-G.

Have you seen him?

I'm a record producer.

I'm very interested in talking to him.

Oh, for realsie?

Oh, you standing before his DJ. (laughs)

Yeah, and, um, I'm his business partner.

You're not his partner, y-you're his hype man.

Whatever, man.

Have you seen him?

M.I.A. since Sunday.

REMBRANDT: Th-The Prodi-G-- he's been known to go

on personal retreats to exorcise his demons.

Well, let me give you my card.

If you see him, call me.

Oh...

Then maybe we can all do business, huh?

Oh, most definitely!

We can do business.

Business sounds good, baby.

Good. All right, take care now.

Business. Business. All right.

Here, let me see that card.

So, tell me once again, why do I have to go to art?

Because you're a student here

and you need to keep up your cover.

See, this ain't even my type of art.

Just shut up!

(girls chattering)

Oh!

You must be our new student, Charmaine.

Hey.

Just in time for figure day.

Oh! Here's our nude model!

Now, you just disrobe whenever you feel comfortable.

Now, that's my type of art.

(grunts)

Oh, no, no, no!

Ain't-Ain't nobody getting naked!

That'd be shameful.

Oh, what on earth do you mean, Big Momma?

Well...

This is a fine art class.

W-We're studying the human form.

TRENT: Yup.

That's right, Big Momma.

This is fine art.

And she is mighty fine.

And besides, we're all women here.

Well, of course.

Uh, I-I know that.

(both chuckle)

But-But what you're doing, you know,

with this woman getting naked, what you're doing is, um,

you're reinforcing a-a terrible stereotype.

Really?

Yeah, um,

92.6% of the females in this country

are size 12 or bigger!

Really?

Yeah!

Yeah, and, what, with the media images,

uh, telling girls that they won't be happy

unless they're a size negative zero,

well, that just distorts our body image!

And, uh, causes eating disorders.

And-And alopecia.

Oh.

Yeah.

And, uh, no-no offense, young lady,

but y-you got a little body and a big-ass head!

Yeah.

The circumference on that thing is like...

Oh, don't-don't,

don't listen to her!

She just having hot flashes.

Go ahead, girl, show us what you got.

Wait.

No, no, no.

You know... I think I agree with Big Momma.

You do?

Yes.

We have never once had a full-figured model.

It is, it-it...

it's shameful.

Shameful.

Yeah, so how about it, Big Momma?

Excuse me?

I think you should be our model.

Amen!

Oh.

(girls giggling)

(clears throat)

(radio beeps)

Yeah, it's all clear in here.

Pipes are great.

I think you should be our model.

Big-Big Momma don't be getting butt naked for nobody.

Oh, come on.

No, I don't get down like that!

You're beautiful!

I know I'm beautiful,

but I don't get down like that.

Oh, please?

No.

(classical music playing)

♪ ♪

I need more pastels.

I need a huge canvas.

Excuse me,

but shouldn't I be eating some grapes

or a cheeseburger or something?

You are an inspiration just as you are.

Okay, class.

It's time for a new pose.

Artists, grab a new canvas.

Big Momma?

Oh, okay, well, um, how about that one right there?

Very good.

Now, if you'd kindly just drop the sheet.

Say what?

Don't be shy.

Like you said, these girls need

role models.

Well, I got a lot of rolls,

but they're not exactly the kind you want to...

Oh, come on, Big Momma, let it all hang out.

Ooh, no, now, you don't want it to all hang out now!

Show us what a real woman looks like!

Ooh! Oh!

(alarm blaring)

Y'all! Hurry up, it's a fire!

(clamoring)

Get out of here!

It's a fire! Girl, your hair,

your hair gonna crimp up if it catch on fire!

Yeah, I'm gonna let

the students and staff know, uh, the status.

(girls murmuring)

False alarm, ladies!

Back to class, back to class!

Hello,

Big Momma.

(grunts loudly)

Wrapped in that sheet, you look like Aphrodite.

More like the centerfold for Thick and Juicy.

(chuckles)

Kurtis Kool,

Mm-hmm?

meet my great niece, Charmaine.

How you doing, Charmaine?

A little tip about Big Momma.

Mm-hmm?

The more she resists,

the more she wants you.

With those Beyonce thighs

and them Rihanna eye...

Get it!

Oh, Big Momma!

Big Momma!

Big Momma!

(panting): It's Mia, it's Mia, okay.

She says she's gonna kill herself.

She's saying she gonna kill herself.

What you talking? That's terrible!

Yeah.

I got to get dressed.

Come on.

Hurry!

Come on, it's Mia!

Mm! Beautiful thing.

Boom, shaka-laka-laka,

boom, shaka-laka-laka!

It's Kurtis. I'm out front.

HALEY: Charmaine.

Do you have a free period?

Uh, I do now.

Good, you can come shopping with me.

Okay. All right.

All right, all right.

I had to get dressed!

What is all this-- Ooh!

Blood!

Did anyone call 911?

Oh, oh, look.

Mia?

(gasps)

Oh!

Oh, my God.

You told me she was gonna kill herself.

I want to die!

You have too much to live for.

All right, now calm down.

Tell Big Momma what happened.

We bought hair dye at Walgreen's

and the directions were in Spanish!

She takes French.

Child, don't you know cheap hair dye is like an old man?

It don't last long and it marks up the furniture!

Well, I thought if I looked different,

Delante would fall back in love with me.

Well, you-you look different, all right.

But, now, listen.

He's got to love you for all the stuff

you can't buy in no store.

And if he don't,

then don't change yourself, change your man.

Huh?

Oh.

We feeling the deepness?

Mm-hmm.

Huh? Think about that.

What about my hair?

Oh, well, that's got to go.

Yeah, we gonna wash that fella right out your hair.

(pop music playing)

Ew, not that.

Definitely not that! Ugh.

(gasps)

This.

Mm-mm. I'm not sure that's me.

You know?

I know it's you.

Trust me.

(gasps)

Oh, uh, girl, uh, y-you want this one?

What do you mean? We're sharing.

(chuckles)

♪ Flames are burning in the jungle ♪

♪ We ain't gonna put them out, no, 'cause we like... ♪

What are you waiting for? Take your clothes off.

Oh.

(chuckles)

♪ Yeah, yeah, we like it hot ♪

(coughs)

(laughs)

Uh...

girl, something just came up!

I'll be right back!

I'll be right back!

(clattering)

Ooh!

(music stops)

Uh, are you okay?

Uh, I'm all right!

(clattering)

(groans)

MALCOLM: Ain't nothing feel better

than washing a bad man out of your hair.

My own big momma used to mix up

Selsun Blue with industrial cleanser.

Oh!

There we go.

Vaseline?

God's gift to black people.

Ashy coming out of the bathtub?

Baby's got a diaper rash?

Your hair look like it just took a mug shot?

Just rub it in!

What is she doing?

There.

Watch me work my magic now.

Voila!

There you go.

(girls gasp, murmur)

(laughs)

You're a genius!

Ooh! Thank you!

I just brought the beauty outside.

Uh, come over here for a second

and let Big Momma get to talk with you.

Now, tell me what you know about the missing music box.

Okay, well, you didn't hear this from me,

but-but Jasmine and Isabelle--

I heard them say they're meeting someone

near the library tonight.

With what?

Don't know.

But I heard them say that Isabelle's gonna

bring it in her bag.

(people chattering, rap music playing)

(chuckles)

You look awesome, girl.

Oh!

Back at you, H-bomb.

(laughs)

Yo, Robinson.

Delante.

Looking fine today, Haley.

Yes, she is!

How about we hang out after your big show?

You just broke up with Mia.

Help me heal.

Give me some. (chuckles)

Come on.

I.M. me, if you change your mind.

Ugh! Those guys are such tools.

Right?

Mm.

So, you got, like, a boyfriend or anything?

Mm, no way.

I'm beginning to think

the guy I'm looking for doesn't really exist.

(chuckles)

How about you?

Oh, no, girl. (chuckles)

The guy for me definitely does not exist.

You know what?

I think I got somebody to hook you up with, girl.

Really?

Yep.

Who?

He's my cousin. His name is Trent.

Hottie, buff, right?

Mm-hmm.

He's our age.

Plus, he's, like, a hip-hop lyrical miracle.

You probably seen him

performing down at the Promenade.

He goes by the name of the, uh...

Ugh, the Prodi-G?

Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Thinks he's all that and then some?

I mean, talks about himself in the third person

and thinks that every girl on the planet is after him?

I mean, I don't actually...

I mean, no offense, Charmaine, but your cousin is

the last kind of guy I'd ever hook up with.

(laughs)

(forced laugh)

Ew, the Prodi-G.

So, uh, um...

what is your type?

He's artistic.

Sensitive.

Interested in people besides himself.

Mm.

And he likes long...

sweet, slow, lingering kisses.

Ooh... damn.

Damn!

What?

Are you making fun of me?

Oh, no, girl.

No, I'm saying it's...

That's exactly Trent. Mm-hmm.

I mean, sure, he can be all puffed up on the outside,

but once you get to know him, I'm saying,

he's a real sweetheart.

Mm...

I mean, you guys would,

like, be a-a couple!

Oh, he was thinking about going to the Showcase tomorrow.

Maybe you guys can hook up, you know,

after the dance tomorrow night.

Mm, I don't know.

Can I meet him before?

(laughs): No!

It's tomorrow night.

Hmm.

Well, how about tonight, then?

Oh, he'll be there.

Good.

(Malcolm grunts)

(normal voice): Eh, just Kurtis Kool.

Let me see.

What's wrong with you?

Your life's in danger, and what do you do?

You go shopping?

Look, shopping is a very big deal for girls.

You know, it's like their sports.

If they ain't doing it, they're talking about it.

Comparing stats, tracking sales.

It's like a fantasy league, you know?

So help me, Trent, if you falling for that Haley girl...

Look, I'm-I'm not, I'm not going for Haley.

I mean, I don't-- No.

She's not my type.

Good.

Okay, so why don't

we just go down there and intercept it?

No, not yet. Surveillance is a waiting game.

We can't do anything that could blow our cover.

Besides, if Mia is spinning us,

let's just hope that if it is the music box,

that the flash drive's still inside it.

Oh, okay.

Ah, so we just wait here.

(humming "Papa Was A Rolling Stone")

Wait a minute, is that The Tempts?

Not too old school for you?

No, actually I was

thinking about sampling it for my mix tape.

Can you sing it?

I'd rather hum.

I mean, but if you sing it, I can catch a vibe.

And I can have a dope mix tape

(song playing)

with some old school jams on there.

Then we can, like...

A'ight.

♪ Papa was a rolling stone ♪

(grunting rhythmically)

♪ Wherever he laid his hat was his home ♪

♪ What, and I'm so fly, but I get it from my fam ♪

♪ And we in the place, and we on the case ♪

♪ Vibing out to a old school jam. ♪

(both laugh)

I like that.

You see that?

I like how you put the little new school with the old school.

I, see, I could feel that.

I could, I could jam to that.

I could, you know, do this little thing I do.

Okay, well, now what's that? Hold up.

Oh, a little something I used to do

back in the day called the Cleveland Shuffle.

Yeah, yeah...

Oh, no, I-I need that.

Come on.

Yeah, well, it's two to the right.

Okay.

Uhh! Two to the left.

Mm-hmm.

Uhh! Now freak with it.

Freak with it.

Freak with it. Uhh!

Freak with it, freak with it, ow.

Kick.

Kick. Okay.

Now you get your spin on.

Uh-huh.

Right?

Right? You bring it back.

Okay.

Bow! Then you freak with it.

Freak with it.

Freak with it.

That's right.

Freak with it.

That's right, and your arms got to be

like, like in a little T. rex position.

Okay. Like this.

Yeah, so a li'l somethin'...

Now freak with it.

So it's like the Soulja Boy, right?

Oh, no, no, no.

Soulja Boy, that's a little hop thing.

I-I know what you talking about,

but that's a little hop thing.

This is, this is...

This is more like this?

Yeah, no, this is Tempts.

You know, this is when th-them boys was...

I like that.

You know... ♪ Ooh! ♪

You know, that kind of thing.

Okay.

So, you know, that's why I like doing this move, 'cause it's--

You know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

It's not that complicated.

(laughs): Whoa!

Yeah!

Wait, what's up?

MALCOLM: There are the girls.

All right.

Chirkoff must have gotten to Kurtis Kool,

and Kurtis Kool got the girls to steal the music box.

I can't believe that.

All right, look.

Trent, get back in that dress, all right? Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna check it out.

Okay.

A'ight.

(record scratching, soul music playing)

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ You're out of sight ♪

♪ You got to give me just what I need ♪

♪ That sweet, special something ♪

♪ That brings a man to his knees ♪

♪ I like it easy, I like it nice and slow ♪

KURTIS: Boo.

Oh!

(laughs)

Wow, a security guard with stalkers.

I-I'm a curious woman.

Why don't you come

and throw back some juice with me?

Let me satisfy that curiosity.

Well, all right.

A little juice.

It's this way?

Mm-hmm.

♪ It's the way I want it ♪

♪ Baby, that's the way it is ♪

♪ My body's strong... ♪

("I Can Change" by Jack Miz playing)

♪ I know ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

Hey, you seen a girl...?

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

(people chattering quietly)

WAITRESS: Is there anything else I can get you?

(sniffs)

Haley?

Trent?

What's up?

How you doing?

Oh, uh, I'm-I'm so sorry I'm late.

These, uh, these poetry readings always run long.

You do spoken word?

Yeah.

And I like slow, lingering kisses.

You know, it's weird that you would say that.

Yeah, 'cause you-you feel the same way, too, right?

No, it's just weird that you would say that.

(chuckles)

Right, right.

'Cause rap, rap don't allow me to get my-my sensitivities out.

And, uh, I got a lot of sensitivities

I-I like to get out.

As a man, it's like,

they're deep.

It's like a ocean inside of me.

At the poetry jam, we-we-we, um,

we get all our sensitivities out, you know what I'm saying?

And we-we be snapping and, uh...

Okay.

And it's like, it's-it's, uh...

It's-It's-It's, um...

You know what? I'm really sorry that all of Charmaine's

coaching had to go to waste, but I think that I'm just gonna go.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, just stay, stay.

Look, look, um, look.

Charmaine told me you were a-a beautiful, great girl.

And usually beautiful, great girls don't go for...

The Prodi-G?

Yeah.

Well, that's not exactly who I am.

I mean, I-- This isn't who I am.

This is...

Okay, then... who are you?

(chuckles)

I don't know.

Hmm.

I don't know who I am.

I'm still trying to figure that out.

Me, too.

Yeah.

Can we run this back?

Yes.

Yes, we can.

I'm Trent.

Haley.

Haley.

("You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate playing)

Your champagne, my Nubian goddess.

Ooh-hoo, mm.

Now, don't go putting me on no pedestal.

You know it might break.

What you talking about, girl?

I like a woman with a little funk in her trunk!

Mm.

And some shrimp in the backyard.

(laughs)

That's a woman!

Well, you know, I like me a man with a dangerous side.

Something tells me that Kurtis Kool is not just a man

with keys and a Taser.

(laughing)

Huh, Kool?

And you're ticklish!

(laughs): Oh!

Well, uh, I'm into a little illegalities at the moment.

Oh? Well, what kind?

Well, you know, just typical B.S., you know.

Middleman stuff.

Holding something hot.

That's "stolen."

(clicks tongue)

Well, who you holding it for?

What you, the FBI?

Oh, no, no!

Ain't no FBI!

You wearing a wire?

(laughing)

I'm gonna find the wire!

Now, Kurtis, I don't know.

Can you hear this?

No.

(laughs)

Now, that, now, that-that's funny

'cause I know I ain't no FBI, now.

I'm-- This I know.

(both laughing)

Oh...

You're so beautiful.

So much I like you.

You know...

you my high priestess of delight.

No, whoa...

Let's...

Kurtis Kool!

I just want to bite you.

No, don't-- Kurtis!

(grunting)

You got Motownopoly!

Let's play.

Yeah.

I got a better game than that.

♪ I believe in miracles ♪

(Haley and Trent laugh)

Uh, so, look, I, uh, I should get back.

Really?

Why?

Well, I guess I got a little time.

Damn!

Damn!

Yo, it's Trent!

Yo, you got the producer guy's number?

Yo, call him and tell him we found our boy.

A'ight, buddy.

What's he doing?

(dialing)

Yeah. Yeah, we found our boy!

(engine starts)

Trent!

Yo!

Whoa!

Rembrandt.

Wow.

Uh, yeah.

This is my crew.

This is Rembrandt and Scratch.

Hi.

How you doing?

How you doing?

Yo, you got your step-pop to sign the contract yet?

Yeah, man, I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm on it.

Come on, I want to take you somewhere.

Okay.

See you guys later.

See you guys.

All right!

Yeah, you do that!

Shh.

Uh, 'cause we got somebody we want you to meet.

A'ight, a'ight.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Tomorrow, Trent!

Okay. All right.

Scratch and Rembrandt, they like--

I don't know, one's tall, one's short.

(both chuckle)

HALEY: Yeah, I noticed that.

We found him.

CHIRKOFF (over phone): Just stay with him.

See if he leads you to the father.

Okay.

("Give It To Me, Baby" by Rick James playing)

Let the games begin.

You know, these girls of mine are driving me up a wall.

You know Jasmine Lee and Isabelle Parada?

No, refresh my memory.

Left foot, red.

Okay.

Well, um, they gave you a bag about an hour ago.

Right foot, yellow.

Oh...

that Jasmine and Isabelle.

(grunts)

Sorry, Big Momma.

You know, those girls-- they could be in a lot of trouble.

And-And so can you.

So, who are you holding that bag for?

Someone outside the school?

You really want to see that bag?

Damn.

Right hand, blue.

Are you ser--

Is it blue or...?

Yeah, mm-hmm, blue. Right hand, blue.

Right there.

♪ Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me ♪

♪ Give me the stuff ♪

Come to papa.

♪ That sweet, funky stuff ♪

♪ Yo-ho! Ow! ♪

(both grunting)

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ I betcha I make you holler you've had enough ♪

(groaning)

KURTIS: Left hand, green!

(music stops)

Oh. Well, looks like we all out of green.

Game over.

No, no, no, no.

I got your green.

(grunts, pants)

Okay.

Go ahead, reach for the stars, baby.

(normal voice): Oh, hell, no!

What's wrong with your voice?

You heard me.

Get your ass up.

Sister, you a brother?

Not again.

You touch me one more 'gain, I'll knock you into next Sunday.

Hand over the bag.

Hand over the bag now!

(grunts)

Every time I try to meet somebody,

it's ding-a-ling-a-ling!

Be quiet! All right?

I'm undercover. FBI.

Now, give me the damn bag.

Wow.

Give-- Mm!

Give me that.

What the hell?

Oh! Oh!

(rooster clucking)

What the hell a grown man doing with a damn rooster?!

(sighs) The girls stole it from Saint Ignatius.

The boys' school?

They're the Gamecocks.

They were gonna give it back after the Showcase.

(clucking)

You want to finish the game?

HALEY: Come on.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Okay. Cool.

(chuckles)

Wow.

Yeah, it's my home away from home.

Whew!

This is nice.

You know, tomorrow night's the Showcase,

and that's my best shot at getting

a scholarship for composition.

Without a scholarship, I'm out.

I mean, everyone's gonna be there, you know?

Juilliard, Berklee, Peabody and Oberlin.

A'ight, look, okay.

So, I see a beautiful woman right now.

I see a dope piano.

And, uh, nobody's playing it.

Oh, you want me to play?

Yeah.

Right now?

A'ight, I guess I got to play it.

No, no, don't touch my piano.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

(clears throat)

Okay, please don't judge.

It's rough.

Okay.

(playing slow melody)

(vocalizing)

♪ Yeah ♪

(music stops)

See?

It's-It's not totally there yet.

I don't know, something's missing.

No, it's not missing nothing.

It's, uh, it's tight.

You just got to, you got to feel it, you know what I mean?

You got to, uh, um, like, speed it up a little bit.

You know what I mean?

Speed it up?

Yeah.

Okay, um...

(playing melody faster)

Yeah.

Yeah. It's better, right?

Yeah.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ You've given me ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ You make me complete ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-uh-uh-uh-oh ♪

(music stops)

Yeah, I like that, I like that.

You like that?

Should we syncopate it?

(sighs) Look, normally I don't syncopate on the first date.

But, uh... ♪ Oh ♪

(laughing)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

A'ight, this is what we gonna do next, right?

This is what you gonna do.

You gonna go up a little higher.

You know what I mean? Like, like, like, yeah.

Yeah, up an octave?

Yeah, an octave.

(chuckles)

(playing melody)

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Baby, you know ♪

♪ You are the air that I breathe ♪

♪ The life that's in me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Um...

(rapping): ♪ Me and you, we chilling, hanging, cruising ♪

♪ Me and you together ain't worth losing ♪

♪ On the keys, being crazy ♪

♪ Happy that I get to see you daily ♪

♪ And each time I see you ♪

Yeah!

♪ My heart starts to pound ♪

♪ Whenever you come around ♪

♪ 'Cause you are all I need ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You've given me everything ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You make me complete ♪

♪ Yeah, you are all I need ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You're making me better ♪

♪ Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ See, from all of the love that you're giving me ♪

♪ Oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪

(music fades)

How did you-- I mean, that song is amazing.

It's perfect, right?

We have to do it at the Showcase tomorrow night.

We?

Yeah, we'll blow everyone away.

I mean, you know, it's your show.

I'll be watching.

No, come on,

you're a part of this.

I can't do it without you.

Please?

What time?

Really?

Thank you!

(chuckles)

Um...

I, um, I have to go back to the dorms

before I get in trouble.

Yo.

Let's break night.

"Break night."

Yeah.

I love that.

You're so amazing with words.

I can't believe you don't want to go to college.

I mean, all of those writers and poets you could study.

You know, I just figured I got to strike while the iron's hot.

Well, Jay-Z didn't drop Reasonable Doubt

until he was 27.

Said the world's in a rush, but he waited to be perfect.

Hmm.

Well, I'm feeling pretty perfect right now.

Me, too.

♪ ♪

Um, I have curfew.

(chuckles)

I'll see you tomorrow night?

Yeah.

Yeah, tomorrow night.

(chuckles)

Kid's here to see his girlfriend, not his father.

CHIRKOFF (over phone): Then take him.

We'll kill him later.

Right now, he's bait.

Okay.

Let's go get him.

Let's go, come on. No.

(keys jingling)

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Two girls in one night.

You got to give the kid credit.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ It's like that ♪

Not so much.

(grunts)

(clattering)

You idiots!

How could you lose him?!

I-I don't know.

But I know where to find his girlfriend.

Both of them.

(rooster crowing)

Now, here's the deal.

You want me to keep your secret

about kidnapping Foghorn Leghorn here,

then tell me what you know about the music box

missing from the library.

Okay.

That a girl.

There's a music box in the library,

and now it's missing.

(growling)

(knocking)

Big Momma, I have been looking...

(crowing)

What is the Saint Ignatius mascot doing here?

Okay, I'm going to give you to the count of three.

And if nobody speaks up,

then neither of you is going to the Showcase.

One.

Two.

MALCOLM: They didn't steal the bird!

Um, they-they found it.

Yeah, it was, uh, wandering around the Quad,

and they, and they brought it to me.

GAIL: Oh?

Well, thank you, girls.

Ooh, there go one of my flock in need of some counseling.

And listen, I suggest you get this bird

back to Saint Ignatius 'fore it lays any more eggs, huh?

Uh, but it's a rooster.

Child, they all taste the same

when you preheat the oven to 350.

Try it!

You!

Stop!

Get-Get-- Wait!

Come here!

Get-- Come here!

I-I know that I've left you

a couple of other voice mails.

You can ignore those.

(tires screeching)

And I can, I-I can call you back.

I'll call you back!

Drive!

I can't! Delante used to drive me everywhere!

I barely know...

Child, I told you, you don't need no damn Delante!

Now drive!

(tires screeching)

(groans): Oh!

Turn!

(tires screeching)

I almost hit him!

Almost don't count.

(tires screeching)

(truck horn honking)

All right, now take it up to 80.

Eighty?!

You heard me!

Eighty!

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

DMITRI: Great.

I'm being followed by

a fat lady in a driver's ed car!

She's catching up, man.

(tires screeching)

(horn honking)

Turn here!

Whew!

Over there! All right, now,

I'm gonna pull the emergency brake.

(screaming)

(tires screeching)

(gasping)

(whooping)

This little go-cart handles well.

Keep driving! Go!

Now, now, don't slow down.

Oh, you're gonna kill us!

Without Delante, you got nothing to live for anyway.

No, I do, I do, I do!

I have friends, and I have, I have school and...

(Malcolm screams)

Ooh! Ooh!

That was amazing!

Watch out!

(truck beeping)

Oh, what do we do now?

Oh, Lord, pray for the air bags.

Or I can do this!

(both screaming)

(both panting)

(laughs)

Oh!

Well, I think you learned enough for one day.

I'll drive.

MALCOLM: They were here.

I got to believe they're coming back.

They gonna kill me.

You never taken off that dress,

how would they know you were here?

They wouldn't.

But if they did...

Trent, is there something you want to tell me?

No.

Now, listen.

Get back in costume.

Do not get out of it under any circumstances.

All right?

A'ight.

Okay.

Hey.

Don't worry.

I'll find it when everyone's at the Showcase tonight.

Okay?

All right.

(people chattering)

You guys have to see...

Oh, my God.

Isabelle, it's great.

You really captured her.

Yeah, girl, and there's a whole lot to capture.

(laughs)

Thanks. I just hope the RISD admissions people agree.

Yeah, they totally will.

Hey, have you heard from Trent?

He'd better be here soon.

Big Momma?

Yes, dear?

You knew I took the rooster and...

you didn't narc me out.

Child, this is not Big Momma's first barbecue.

You're putting on this front of toughness.

Trying to act all growed up.

I'm a senior.

Child, I see who you are on the inside.

You a good, sensitive girl.

No different than Big Momma.

Y-You're strong-willed, just trying to take care

of the people who depend on you.

Plus...

I'm starving!

Oh, the poor baby

is hungry!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh.

I did something else.

Worse than the rooster.

She wanted to be a Diva so bad,

I told her she could be, if she stole the music box.

Who?

Haley. I made her do it.

I told her to bring it tonight so that we could put it back.

Where is Haley?

I just saw her with Mia.

GAIL (over speaker): Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to our Annual Showcase!

(cheering, applause)

Get ready to see some of the best and brightest

young talent that Atlanta has to offer...

Well, thank you for telling me, all right?

That was big of you, you know?

Now, you get out there and break a leg,

and make Big Momma proud.

And afterward, I'm gonna have

a double cheeseburger.

(laughs)

And a regular Coke.

Supersize it!

(laughs)

GAIL: ...Jasmine Lee!

Oh, now, go, go!

All right.

Go, go, go!

(cheering, applause)

(hip-hop beat playing)

How many times do I got to say I'm sorry?

Sorry?

"Sorry" don't mean squat

from a two-timing dog!

Like Aunt Yorima used to say, "It's better to be

"alone with yourself for the rest of your life

than together with bad company for a minute."

And, honey, you is bad company!

You're an entire conglomerate of badness!

Wait.

Who is Aunt Yorima?

Mia, you seen Haley?

Yeah, I think she's with Charmaine.

Try the other side of the stage.

This Delante?

MIA: Yeah.

(growling)

And another thing...

♪ ♪

(whispering): Hey, Haley.

Hey, girl.

Where is Trent?

I'm up next.

Excuse me.

Listen, that's-that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Trent's not gonna make it.

What?!

What am I gonna do?

(music stops, crowd applauding)

Bravo! You did your thing.

I saw that move when you...

All right. All right, listen.

All right, listen, breathe, girl, breathe.

It's all good. You gonna go

out there and you're gonna be great, all right?

And now our next performer...

You don't need Trent.

Rock it, girl.

...with an original composition, Haley Robinson!

(crowd cheering)

Okay.

(breathes deeply)

Big Momma, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be chaperoning.

There are boys backstage.

Oh, all right, all right, all right.

Hey, what are you-- Get out of there, you!

You don't try to get you a little nookie!

I'm gonna tan your...

Okay.

(clears throat)

(playing slow melody)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh... ♪

(music stops)

(sighs)

(crowd murmuring)

Um...

I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a duet.

It still is, girl.

Look, Trent taught me everything. What?

Rock with it.

(playing melody faster)

♪ Oh ♪

(beat plays)

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Baby, you know ♪

♪ You are the air that I breathe ♪

♪ The life that's in me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And each time I see you ♪

♪ My heart starts to pound ♪

♪ Whenever you come ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ 'Cause you are all I need ♪

♪ Oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You're making me ♪

♪ Better, see ♪

♪ From all of the love that you've giving me ♪

(rapping): ♪ Every time I think about you ♪

♪ Want you, need you, hold you, kiss you, love you ♪

♪ Never would place a person on this earth above you ♪

♪ I just want to be the one to make you feel amazing ♪

♪ And because you keep it real, we singing ♪

HALEY: ♪ And each time I see you ♪

♪ My heart starts to pound ♪

♪ Whenever you come around ♪

♪ Yeah, you are all I need... ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh... ♪

Um, you gentlemen--

are you, are you invited guests?

That's the crazy lady who chased us.

Get out of our way.

We have business here.

Only business you have here is none-ya.

What?

"None-ya"?

None-ya damn business.

(normal voice): ♪ I crossed the line, I'm wrong to lie ♪

♪ I'll make you mine ♪

♪ Yeah, you are ♪

♪ All I need ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Wait ♪

♪ These words I'm speaking got me going crazy ♪

♪ I need you, Haley ♪

♪ To be my baby... ♪

(music stops, crowd murmuring)

(crowd gasping)

Oh!

(clamoring)

Wardrobe malfunction.

(groans)

(clamoring)

Haley...

You-You're...

Look, let me explain everything, okay?

I trusted you!

No, listen, listen. M... Look, Malcolm...

Oh, my God, everything that I, everything I told you?

No, I'm just saying...

I...

Listen...

(crowd gasps)

Haley!

Oh, oh, oh!

Security! Security!

He groped me!

He's trying to...

(crowd murmuring)

He trying to freak me!

He's groping me!

He's trying to freak me!

Oh, Lord!

Call the FBI.

Ask for Agent Crawford.

Tell him you're a friend of Big Momma's,

and keep everyone in the auditorium.

I don't understand.

(normal voice): Just do it.

I'll explain it to you later.

(grunts)

Okay.

Everyone, please stay in your seats, okay?

Mrs. Mercier, dancers, please.

Split up.

Haley!

MALCOLM: Trent!

Trent!

Haley!

T.J.: Yo, yo, yo.

What is this thing?

Dude, you are all kinds of freaky.

Does Haley like you better as a girl or a boy?

Look, I can't do this right now.

Big boy! Come on, man!

Get him! Come on! Get him! Come on!

Get off me, Otis!

All right. Y'all got 30 seconds to get your asses off campus,

or there's a hell of a lot more where that came from.

Bounce!

You got some explaining to do.

Look, Chirkoff's guys must have made me yesterday in town.

I took off Charmaine's outfit just once--

to get close to Haley.

You blew your cover, and you lied to me about it.

For a girl who played you?

She didn't play me.

Oh, yeah?

Did she tell you she had the music box?

You act like you the man.

And you were starting to convince me.

But it's all an act. You know why?

'Cause a real man wouldn't risk his life for some girl.

Look, she ain't just some girl.

You did the same thing when you met my mom.

This is nothing like that.

Come on.

Come on, Malcolm.

In. In.

Yo!

(pounds on door)

Look...

Stay there. Do not move.

Look, you got to trust me!

Malcolm!

Damn.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

TRENT: Haley!

Haley!

Haley! Haley!

Boss, we got him.

TRENT: H-bomb.

Go away!

Look, let me explain.

Leave me alone!

Look, you got the music box in that bag, don't you?

Yeah, and right now, I just want

to put it away and get out of here,

seeing as how my life is pretty much ruined.

Look, there's some crazy, dangerous people after that.

HALEY: What are you talking about?

It's just some old music box.

Not really.

Look.

This flash drive got evidence

that'll put away some really bad people.

That's why I've been working undercover.

What?

So, this was just some kind of job?

(cell phone chiming)

Our night together? Our kiss?

We'll talk about that later, but right now,

I need this.

There's no later.

Haley.

Actually, I'll take the drive.

Trent!

TRENT: Haley, come on!

(Haley screams)

(gun firing)

HALEY (screams): Run! Run!

(phone ringing)

Talk to me.

VLAD: The kid's with the girl. They're in the library.

Haley, we got to get you somewhere safe.

Let go of me.

Come on.

(panting)

DMITRI: Don't move.

Sh...

Runs pretty good for a woman.

Oh, don't shoot.

I'm not even wearing a clean pair of granny panties.

Coroner's going to think I'm some two-bit floozy.

Shut up.

(gasps)

(gagging)

My... my palpitations.

My poor cholesterol heart.

Like Fred Sanford say,

"I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth!"

(gagging)

(grunting and groaning)

No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, come on. Come on!

(panting)

This way.

(Haley grunts, screams)

TRENT: Big Momma!

Catch!

(grunting)

CHIRKOFF: Move. Move!

Haley, it's going to be okay.

Shut your mouth!

You just going to hurt these innocent children?

Give me the flash drive.

What if I say no?

You know, I'm pretty good with this gun.

My late husband Othar taught me how to use it

in case of a home invasion.

Give him the gun, or I shoot the kids.

(Chirkoff grunting)

CHIRKOFF: Now...

The flash drive.

Very good, Agent Turner.

Took me a while to figure out.

Then I remember...

you're the master of disguise.

Take off the fat suit.

I want to check you for weapons.

(sighs)

(grunts)

Uh, look, don't shoot the kids, all right?

He don't remember what he saw.

Kill them.

And this time...

no witnesses.

My pleasure.

Hey, Trent.

CHIRKOFF: I'm checking the flash drive.

I'm sorry.

I was wrong to think we could pull this off.

This is... this is my fault.

No. You were just trying to protect me.

I lied to you and everything.

I'm sorry, Dad.

DMITRI: All right, this family hour

has to end. I'm going to throw up.

Hey. Whoa. Just let me say one last thing to my boy.

You know, I'll go to my grave wishing

we could have done that Cleveland Shuffle together.

Remember?

Mmm. Yeah.

Killer step?

If I just had one more chance.

Yeah, remember it? We...

Two to the right. Uhh, uhh.

Uhh, uhh, uhh.

Two to the left. Uhh, uhh.

What? What?

BOTH: Now, freak with it, freak with it.

Uhh! Freak with it, freak with it.

Yeah!

(grunting and groaning)

(gun fires)

Enough.

CHIRKOFF: No more mistakes.

I never leave a witness.

Wait.

(fires)

(pained groaning)

My name is Kurtis Kool,

and I just fried this fool.

MAN: FBI!

Move it! Move it!

MALCOLM: Kurtis Kool.

MAN: Hands in the air!

You saved my boy.

Thank you, man.

Just protecting the next generation of hip-hop.

Move it! Move it!

Haley!

Hey. Yes, I'm okay. I'm okay.

I knew she was a narc.

Hey, he's not a narc; he's a Fed.

Same thing.

You're a boy.

What's up? We cool now?

Weird.

(siren whooping)

(sighs)

Hey.

Look...

I know I agreed to this,

and, uh, after the last few days,

I want you to know, I'm happy to do it.

You've grown up.

I got to start trusting you and your decisions.

The contract.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

(laughs)

Wow.

I'm going to Duke.

Yeah.

I'm gonna study music.

The Notorious Ph.D.

Really?

Yeah.

You know,

I realize there's no rush to greatness.

I mean, you only get one chance to be the new guy.

Spoken like a real man.

Huh?

(chuckles)

Look at you, boy. Look at you.

(grunts)

You know, um...

I'm pretty sure you called me "Dad" back there.

Did I?

Yeah, you did.

(chuckle) You know, heat of the moment,

little gunplay, we say things.

Uh-huh.

So, uh... Dad.

Shoot.

Can I keep the boobs?

Put the bag in the car.

You know, I just feel like... I deserve them.

You know, I had to wear them for so long.

If that's what you want.

MALCOLM: Oh, son, I was thinking.

Your moms doesn't need to know everything.

TRENT: You want me to lie to Moms?

MALCOLM: There's just some things she don't need to know.

TRENT: Oh, okay. You don't want her

busting that vein in her forehead over nothing.

(Trent chuckles)

♪ Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You know I'm hot, I get it poppin', so they sayin' ♪

♪ He's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And now you know just how I flow and it goes ♪

♪ Let's get it poppin', baby, you know how we do it in here ♪

♪ It's Prodi-G and possibly the dopest one of the year ♪

♪ It seems like every time I stroll in ♪

♪ You know I be zonin' ♪

♪ Go ahead and call them girls and bring a couple of friends ♪

♪ You know I came a long way, I done learned so many lessons ♪

♪ But the most important is that my family is my blessin' ♪

♪ And even when they stressin', ha, just let it be ♪

♪ Without them, there's no me ♪

♪ Prodi-G ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ He's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You know I'm hot, I get it poppin', so they sayin' ♪

♪ He's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And now you know just how I flow and it goes ♪

♪ It's Big Momma in the house and I'm gettin' my rap on ♪

♪ Don't think I can't hang, I party all night long ♪

♪ Now, I ain't here preachin', you know how Big Momma be ♪

♪ Now, give it up for my man, Prodi-G ♪

♪ He's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You know I'm hot, I get it poppin', so they sayin' ♪

♪ Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And now you know just how I flow and it goes ♪

♪ My name is Kurtis Kool, old hip-hop player ♪

♪ See me 'round school, man, I'm somethin' like the mayor ♪

♪ I got 'em goin' crazy, I know I bring the drama ♪

♪ Smooth with the ladies, especially Big Momma ♪

♪ He's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You know I'm hot, I get it poppin', so they sayin' ♪

♪ Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And now you know just how I flow and it goes ♪

♪ Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You know I'm hot, I get it poppin', so they sayin' ♪

♪ Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And now you know just how I flow and it goes ♪

♪ What's my name? What's my name? ♪

♪ Prodi-G, yeah. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I heard they want to know, they been asking questions ♪

♪ Heard these boys want to learn their lessons ♪

♪ So let's take 'em to school ♪

♪ We gonna break it down so they got the tools ♪

♪ The professor's speakin', put your listening ears on ♪

♪ Work that machinery, grind them gears on ♪

♪ Listen to the beat, tell you how to work ♪

♪ And your homework is to go berserk ♪

♪ And we so fly 'cause we don't care ♪

♪ It's all about us when we out there ♪

♪ We so fine 'cause we all got ♪

♪ The temperature risin', yeah, we so hot ♪

♪ All the boys, they stop and stare ♪

♪ 'Cause my girls got that thing they call it ♪

♪ When the beat's on, no matter where ♪

♪ Ah, but it's... yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ Yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ Yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ Yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? My girl ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? My girl ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see ♪

♪ It's all about the mix and the combination ♪

♪ The T and A and the compensation ♪

♪ But on a dance floor kind of situation ♪

♪ It's all about the body, the moves you're making ♪

♪ Tongues roll out, like the red carpet ♪

♪ He think about how to hit the target ♪

♪ The papa better do it proper ♪

♪ Take a minute, just step back and watch her ♪

♪ And we so fly 'cause we don't care ♪

♪ It's all about us when we out there ♪

♪ We so fine 'cause we all got ♪

♪ The temperature risin', yeah, we so hot ♪

♪ All the boys, they stop and stare ♪

♪ 'Cause my girls got that thing they call it ♪

♪ When the beat's on, no matter where ♪

♪ Ah, but it's... yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ Yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ Yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ Yeah, we hop on it ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? My girl ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? My girl ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves ♪

♪ What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see. ♪

(music fades)