Original subtitles

(violin music playing)

JOE: This is it--

the moment of truth.

You've trained hard.

You're in great shape.

You're ready.

Jab!

Jab!

Right cross!

You're tough.

You're strong.

You're better than he is.

And he is going to pay--

pay for all he's done to you.

Kill.

Kill!

Kill!

(bell dings, crowd shouting)

Oh, God, how did I get into this?

You mind if I have some of your fries?

Yes, I do.

You going to eat that pickle?

Yes, I am.

This is nice...

us having lunch together.

When can we do it again?

Well, let's see...

is never good for you?

Brian, you're so funny.

Can I have a swig of your drink?

That pickle's coming up.

Hey, Brian, you'll never guess

what I did today down at the gym.

You finally got up the nerve

to undress in front of the other boys?

Uh... no, I still prefer to wait till the coast is clear.

Uh, but I did sign up

for a boxing tournament

and guess who I'm fighting?

Remember that guy Mac O'Malley Oh!

who tormented me throughout the fourth grade?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Wasn't he the guy that stuffed you into the gym locker

and then poured water from the toilet on you

through the air vent?

No, that was you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Right, right.

Toilet water--

that was my trademark.

Look, you still weren't

as bad as O'Malley.

That guy made my life a living hell

and now it is payback time.

What I wouldn't give to get back at the person

who tormented me through all my school years.

Then again, could I really belt my own mother?

Hey, wasn't Mac the guy who gave you that nickname?

Don't say it.

Oh, come on, come on, what is it?

Don't say it.

Why not?

Nicknames are a sign that people like you.

When I was growing up,

my friends gave me lots of them:

Uh, the mooch...

the maggot...

the peeper.

I swear...

you know, when you're young,

you think those days will last forever.

Oh, hey, Casey, remember Mac O'Malley?

What did he say about me?

He's lying! I was never in the back of that car.

That never happened!

Both times.

I remember, I remember he gave you a nickname, too, didn't he?

Don't say it.

Easy, Casey.

I told you not to say it!

Oh, hey, Helen, guess whose name I drew

in the boxing tournament?

Mac O'Malley.

I remember him.

Didn't he give you that nickname...?

Don't say it.

Didn't he give you that nickname...?

Don't say it.

Oh, please, Casey.

I wouldn't embarrass you.

I remember the nickname he gave me:

Easy Casey's fat sister.

When's the big fight?

Saturday night-- don't miss it.

It should be a good one. Helen, I can't believe

you're not trying to stop this.

I mean, I can't even bear the thought of boxing.

It's so barbaric.

I think it's kind of hot.

Two big, strong, half-naked guys

strutting their stuff around the ring.

You think it's kind of sexy, don't you?

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no.

No sex until after the fight.

Got to keep your edge.

No sex at all?

That's right.

That means no shadowboxing either.

So, Hackett, I hear you're going

to be strapping on the gloves

for a little fisticuffs this weekend.

You got that right, Roy. So how you feeling?

You think he's got a chance?

I may want to make a little wager.

Oh, I can't believe this.

You mean people can actually bet on this?

Wake up, sugarplum.

People bet on everything on this island.

Like, for instance, every Christmas Scarpacci

doesn't hang himself, I lose dough.

Okay, Roy, put me down for 20 bucks on Joe.

You are going to whip this guy, aren't you?

Oh, you know it.

Make it ten.

Okay, step and jab.

Step and jab. Step and jab.

I got six underneath.

Come after me, now.

Lead with the left. Lead with the left.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

See? See that?

Man, you left yourself wide open.

You do that Saturday,

you're going to be kissing canvas, pally.

Well, we'll just have to make sure

there's not a desk in the ring, now, won't we?

All right, Joey.

I've taken you as far as I can physically,

but... I don't know if you're ready... here--

in the head...

where it counts.

See, I don't know if you're ready

to kill this guy.

Aah! Okay!

Getting ready... getting ready...

readier... readier!

Ready! Ready!

That's what I thought.

Yeah, but just remember to keep those hands up.

'Cause you're a sucker for a left.

Hey, Joe. Hey.

All right, Brian, how we doing?

Doing great, doing great.

Working hard, getting into shape.

Yeah, but how we doing here...

in the head... where it counts?

That's just what we're trying to find out.

Stop poking me.

I'm really getting a headache.

Listen. I just spoke to a guy down at the gym.

That guy O'Malley, that you were supposed to fight?

He just dropped out.

Aw. Well, he must have gone yellow

when he found out how hard I've been training.

No, not exactly.

When he heard you were his opponent,

he laughed so hard he threw his back out.

Oh, great.

Well, now who am I supposed

to unleash these fists of fury on?

Oh, don't worry.

They found you a replacement.

Ha! I pity the fool.

Who is it?

It's him.

Me?!

Brian's the fool?

Well, that's impossible

'cause you didn't sign up for the tournament.

Well, actually, I did, as an alternate, you know,

in case somebody got sick or chickened out--

you know, like you.

Great. Now who am I going to bet on in this cream puff derby--

cream or puff?

Well, that's that.

It would be crazy

to see you two in the ring.

Ridiculous.

Yeah, it's nuts.

I'll just have to call the gym and cancel it.

Yeah, man, if I were you, I'd bail, too.

Excuse me?

Well, I mean, you and me in a fight?

It's no contest.

Yeah, you got that right.

When we were kids, I kicked the snot out of you.

Yes, that's when we were kids,

but we're adults now, and I've been training you.

I know all your weaknesses--

a left, a right, a desk, a finger.

So, what are you saying, Brian?

You think you can take me?

I'm willing to find out.

Okay, that's enough, guys.

Joe, you're not going to fight your own brother.

I think you better listen to wifey here.

She's just trying to protect you.

Your call, puff.

May the best man win.

Oh, brother, this ought to be good.

You two bruisers in the ring.

Oh, I can see the headline now:

"The Thrilla in Vanilla."

Faster.

Come on, faster.

You're jumping like a little girlie-girl.

Now... wait.

The little girlie-girl needs to take a break.

Oh, okay, fine.

You get your beauty rest.

Mmm. What's that smell?

Could that be the scent of a loser?

So, Hackett,

is this the best you could do

for a trainer?

He's lucky to have me.

No one brings out the killer instinct like I do.

My mere existence drove my parents to blows.

He's a madman.

Never stops pushing.

(with Italian accent): "Hey, Brian, train harder.

"Brian,

you're such a weenie."

This morning he woke me up at 4:00 a.m.

to jog 20 miles alongside his cab.

It's paying off, isn't it?

Yeah, for you.

You kept the meter running.

What are you doing?

I didn't work this hard

to watch you throw it away on junk food.

Don't make me hurt you.

You see?

It's a natural talent.

Hey, where you going?

Where you going? Where you going?

Excuse me,

but this little girlie-girl has to go make a pee-pee!

Listen.

Hackett, come here.

Now listen...

I'd hate to see that pretty face of yours

get all messed up.

Now, I know a way out of this

where nobody gets hurt...

and we all come out ahead.

You know what I mean?

Wait. What are you saying to me, Roy?

You want me to take a dive?

Oh, Hackett, please.

"Dive" is such an ugly way to put it.

I want you to roll over like a ten-dollar hooker.

Roy, that's...

that's too low even for you.

What goons put you up to this?

Nantucket Hair and Nails.

(gasps)

I might have known-- Cynthia and Shirley.

They destroy everything good on this island.

Okay. All right.

Okay, Helen.

I made it.

That's it, I'm done.

Well, I'm not. Take another lap.

I still want to finish reading,

"Ten Kitchen Utensils to Help Spice Up Your Love Life."

Speaking of which...

Now, you know the rules--

no sex until after the fight.

You know, you got a real mean streak.

You call yourself a trainer.

Sure, I work Brian pretty hard.

You never see me withholding sex.

That didn't come out right.

(groans)

Hey. Brian, looking good.

Feeling good.

Have you had lunch yet?

Don't answer. Don't answer.

He's trying to get in your head.

Hey. Hey, look...

he doesn't need any cheap psych-out tricks

to get an edge.

He's got desire.

Yes, I do.

You know, he's going to win

because he's better coached,

he's better conditioned and he's got better moves.

Don't listen to her; don't let her in;

don't let him in; don't let her in.

Don't you worry about me.

Nothing's getting in here.

You'll have to excuse my boy.

He's had a rough day.

He almost killed a guy in the ring this morning.

Oh, yeah? What'd the guy do,

see him in his trunks and die laughing?

You watch it, lady.

Who you calling a lady?

Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, now, nobody's calling anybody a lady.

You guys are taking this way too seriously.

We just want to have some fun, that's all.

That's right, just a little friendly competition.

That's all.

Your boy's going down.

Oh, yeah, well, you better watch yourself.

ANTONIO: You watch yourself.

So, sluggo, you ready for tomorrow night?

Don't I look ready, huh?

Oh! Oh!

Well, physically, yeah, but who knows

if you're ready here in the head, where it counts!

Hey, knock it off, man.

How'd you like it if somebody did that to you?

Oh, no.

What?

The I.R.S. never received

Sandpiper's quarterly corporate tax,

and, uh, now they're hitting us

with a big penalty.

Brian, why didn't you send this in?

Me? Was I supposed to?

Yes, you were supposed to.

I'm sorry. I don't remember you asking me to do it.

That's 'cause you don't listen.

Look, when you screw up your own life, fine, that's your business.

But when you screw up with Sandpiper,

that's my business, and I'm sick of it. Okay, okay,

okay, okay. I'm sorry, all right?

I don't know what else to say.

I forgot. Oh, well, great,

that's what I'll tell the I.R.S.

You forgot.

Hello.

Fay's back.

With fish!

It just don't get more inviting than that.

Uh, listen, Fay, uh...

I'm sorry to spring this on you on your day off,

but Brian screwed up our tax payment,

and you're going to have to get on the phone right away

and straighten it out.

Oh, that. No, no, no, no.

That wasn't Brian's fault; that was mine,

but don't worry, I straightened it all out with the I.R.S.

And now if you'll excuse me, this is still my day off

and I intend to enjoy it to the hilt.

I've got 30 pounds of flounder to gut.

Okay, Brian, I'm sorry.

Oh.

That's it?

That's all I get, huh?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, I said I'm sorry.

What do you want, a certificate?

No, but I think I deserve a better apology than that

for you reaming me up and down.

Well, I mean, hey, can you really blame me?

I mean, look at your track record.

You screw up all the time.

You know what? I don't screw up

nearly as much as you make me think I do.

Okay? Oh, I don't know about that.

Man, you got me so brainwashed that I believe I screwed this up

and that really ticks me off. Hey, hey, hey.

First of all, keep your hands off me,

and if you want to talk about ticked off,

let's talk about all the years that I bailed you out,

one thing after another. Oh, here we go. That's right.

No, no, and you never let me forget it, do you?

You're so used to saying it, that you say it even when it's not true.

You know that? Let's wait five minutes, and it will be true.

Hey, man, don't do that to me. Hey! What are you shoving me for?

Hey, do you want to start... You want to settle this right now?

I'll do it right now. Joe. Brian. Brian!

I would like to wipe that smirk right off your face. No...

Listen, pal, you're going to get your chance tomorrow, huh?

You'll get your chance to hit me. One chance.

No, no, there's going to be two hits tomorrow night--

me hitting you and you hitting the floor. No, Joe...

Yeah, save your strength, pal-- you're gonna need it to get up.

What just happened?

What happened to the friendly competition?

It just got unfriendly.

ANTONIO: Okay, okay, this is it--

the moment we've worked so hard for.

All my blood, all my sweat, all my tears...

What the hell are you talking about?

All you did was drive the cab and annoy me. Yes.

Yes, but I annoyed you into a fighting machine.

There's only one thing still worries me--

are you ready here, in the head, where it counts?

Okay, you're ready. You're ready.

So... how do you like it?

You haven't said anything.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't really get it.

"Sugar Ray Sheraton"?

I don't know whether to knock Joe out

or bring him room service.

It's the best I could do.

My first choice was "Kid Holiday Inn."

But...

they caught me digging through the laundry basket.

Hackett.

Hackett, h-how you doing?

Are you up for this? Huh?

You have no idea.

Good, good, good, good, good,

because I bet the farm on you.

Now, not to put any pressure on you, Hackett,

but if you lose, Mom goes off a few machines.

I'm surprised you showed up.

What's the matter?

You thought I'd screw up again and forget, huh?

No, I didn't think you had the guts. Oh, yeah?

We'll see in a few minutes who's got what.

Why wait till we get in the ring? I'll take you out right now.

Let's go, man. Let's go right now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now, come on.

Save it for the opening bell.

All right, all right.

See you in the ring... Cindy.

Oh, that... that was

his nickname?

Cindy?

I told you never to say that.

It must have slipped out.

Hey.

Hey, Helen, oh, finally you made it.

I thought you'd miss the slaughter.

Slaugh...? Do you hear yourself, Joe?

Don't go through with this.

Look, it's way too late for that.

This has been a long time coming.

Joe, this is not boxing anymore.

This is revenge.

Yeah, you're damn right.

If you go into that ring,

you're going to ruin your relationship with Brian forever.

What relationship?

Will the fighters for the next bout please enter the ring.

Please, Joe.

Now, listen to me, Joe... Joe...

(bell dings)

Will the fighters come to the center of the ring?

Okay, stare him down.

Don't blink. Look right through him.

Shut up. Yes, sir.

All right, you boys, you know the rules.

Let's have a good, clean fight.

Obey my commands at all times.

Are you done?

Okay, trash talk.

You...

(muffled shouting) are one ugly...

Huh? What?

Spit.

Now trash talk.

You are one ugly

little fella.

Oh, yeah? Well, you...

you're a... you're a big idiot.

That's the worst trash talk I ever heard.

Now, go to your corners and come out fighting!

Joe, Joe...

Brian, Brian...

you guys listen to me.

You're more than just brothers.

You guys are best friends.

I mean, think of everything that you've meant to each other.

Please don't do this.

Hey! Get her out of here.

Okay. I'm leaving.

That's it.

Wimpy women trainers.

Just be thankful you got a real man in your corner.

Oh! Kind of a cramp.

(bell dings)

(crowd shouting)

HELEN: Think about all you've meant to each other.

YOUNG BRIAN: Hey, Joey, I did it.

Thanks for teaching me how to ride a two-wheeler.

Maybe tomorrow, uh, you could teach me how to stop?

HELEN: You're not just brothers.

You're best friends!

Don't cry, Brian.

You don't have to worry

about those monsters in your closet anymore.

Not after me and "cappy" took care of 'em.

YOUNG BRIAN: Joe! Wait till you see

what I found under Dad's bed!

Ay-yi-yi!

Here, Bri.

I want you to have my old glove.

But you got to promise me you'll oil it,

and keep it in a dry place,

where the temperature never drops

below 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

Oh, really?

You want me to be your best man?

Well, what can I say, Joey?

Uh... I'd be honored.

JOE: To Sandpiper.

Making you my partner was the best move I ever made.

Oh, for God's sake, somebody hit somebody!

(crowd jeering)

I love you, man!

I love you, too!

What are you wimps doing?!

(crowd cheering)