Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Oh, Colonel Shulkraut's Happy Time Circus is in town.

Nothing says fun quite like the name Shulkraut.

Well, now, now.

It may not be the biggest or the brightest...

or the safest circus

but hey, it's all we got.

Plus, I got free tickets if I put that up.

Oh, count me in.

HELEN: Hey, Joe.

Hey.

You want to go to the circus?

I hate the circus.

Bad, bad things happen at the circus.

Hey, Antonio,

we're all going to the circus.

You want to go?

Oh, do I.

I've never been to the circus.

You are kidding.

My father always said "Why pay for the circus?

"If you want weird smells and bearded ladies,

go visit your Aunt Graziella."

(roaring)

(imitates thundering footfalls)

Toot!

Explanation, please.

Well, Emily, this girl I've been seeing,

is coming in from Boston.

And, uh, I want to make a good impression.

I hope that puppet's stuffed with money,

'cause that's your only shot.

No, it's for her son, and I haven't met him yet.

But you know these single moms--

if the kid doesn't like you, then you're out.

So Operation Suck-up starts tonight.

Oh, and I got tickets

to Colonel Shulkraut's Happy Time Circus.

Oh.

The circus.

All right, what is it with you?

Ever since we were kids,

as soon as someone brings up the circus,

you get all dark and creepy.

That's because bad, bad things happen at the circus.

(door closes)

Hey, Helen. Hey.

So, how was the circus?

Well, Colonel Shulkraut, the ringmaster,

is kind of losing it.

I don't know if an 80-year-old with a top hat and no pants

is the greatest show on earth.

Oh, wasn't...

wasn't that circus incredible?

Oh, Casey...

Casey, it was a magical world of wonder and illusion

and places you shouldn't step.

CASEY: Hey, Roy, did you have a good time at the circus?

(whimpering)

What's his problem? Oh...

There was a little incident

involving Roy and Bippy the Clown.

A "little" incident?

Casey, it was awful.

Bippy the Clown chose Roy out of the audience--

totally humiliated him.

ANTONIO: Oh, come on.

Helen, it's a circus.

It was funny.

You thought it was funny when he took Roy's hair

and greased his unicycle wheel?

(laughing)

That was hilarious.

Did you think it was hilarious when he took Roy's belt

and had four clowns jump rope with it?

Yeah, I spilled my popcorn.

And I guess it was a riot

when he stole Roy's hot dog

and made him beg for it like a trained seal.

(barking)

Maybe you're right.

That wasn't so good.

Are you kidding?

That was funny.

Brian? Hi.

Emily, hey, hey.

Hey, where's Shawn?

I got him a little something.

Oh, that's very sweet.

The pilot's showing him the cockpit.

He just loves planes.

Great. Then he's got to love a pilot.

Boy, I can't wait to meet the little guy.

Mom.

Uh...

Why is that man calling you

such a highly inappropriate name?

Brian, this is my son, Shawn.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Hey.

Wow, you're a...

you're a big boy, aren't you?

I wish. I'd be playing pro ball right now

instead of going to medical school.

Brian, why don't you give him the gift you bought him?

Man, you didn't have to do that.

So what did you get me?

Uh, well, I don't-I don't, uh...

Come on, what did you get me?

All right.

A beer cozy.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, maybe I should check on the luggage.

Thanks, honey.

Um, Brian? Hmm?

Is something wrong?

Oh, he's a great big boy, isn't he?

Oh, you thought he'd be younger, didn't you?

Well... yeah.

(pager beeping)

That's my office. Oh.

I've got a building in escrow. Okay.

I'll be right back.

Sure.

Joe, Joe.

I've got a problem.

Emily's kid is really big and needs a shave.

Well, look, Brian,

if you're going to be in a relationship with her,

the kid is part of the deal.

So you're just going to have to close your eyes

and play with him anyway.

No, no, no.

I mean that he's got to be at least 21 years old.

So?

Well, so, if he's 21,

then that means that she's got to be...

Five...

Over 21.

Brian, if you want to find out how old Emily is, just ask her.

You can't just ask a woman what her age is.

Why not? I asked Fay.

She's 49.

You're making a big deal out of this.

Stop being such a baby.

Oh, I'm a baby?

When's the last time you went to...

the circus?

The circus.

The circus... no.

So is everything okay at the office?

Great.

They're not going to bother us

for at least a week.

Oh, great, great.

Because I'm really looking forward

to hanging out with you some.

I mean, there's so much I still don't know about you.

Like, for instance,

uh, I've never seen your driver's license.

I'm 41, Brian.

Oh, where did you get that from?

No, I just wanted to know

if you were an organ donor, that's all.

Well, bad news.

Our luggage didn't make the flight.

Oh, no.

Don't worry about it.

I'll stay here and wait for it.

They said it's going to be on the next flight.

Okay, thanks, sweetie. We'll meet you at the hotel.

Yeah, and great meeting you, Shawn.

And next time you hoist one with that pup... that beer cozy,

think of me, huh?

Excuse me, how's the chili?

I don't work here.

Oh, sorry.

It stinks.

What about the cheeseburger?

Don't go there.

Coffee?

Oh, uh...

well, what do you recommend?

Eating someplace else.

Okay.

But I don't know the island.

If you're not doing anything right now,

would you like to join me?

Oh, you know, I don't know...

I guess I'm free.

Ah.

Good morning.

Oh, it is now.

Want some coffee?

Yeah, I'd love some. Okay.

Good morning, Brian.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

Emily, this is my roommate, Casey.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Morning.

Shawn?

Mom? Mom?!

Shawn?

Brian... what exactly happened this morning?

Well, I don't know, but it was a little weird.

Well, you know, I guess it wasn't that weird, really.

I mean, let's... let's break it down.

We're dating a mother and her son.

If we marry these people, you will be my stepfather,

and my sister is already married to your brother

and we have slept together.

Oh, God. Somebody's going to end up

with a two-headed kid.

Oh, God.

What are we going to do?

Well, there's only one thing to do.

You have to dump Shawn.

Forget it! I haven't found

a guy I like this much in a long time.

You dump Mommy.

No, no, no. No, Mommy's a keeper.

We're just going to have to stay

out of each other's way, that's all.

How are we going to do that?

I mean, we live in the same house.

All right, all right. Whoever's home first

just has to put a signal on the door

to warn the other couple not to come in.

For instance, if you're home with Shawn,

you just put out a sign that says...

"Baby on board."

Okay. And if you're there with his mommy,

and you're settling in for a night of Matlock...

you know, you can just put out her teeth.

Look...

why don't we just do what we did in college:

Put a tie on the doorknob.

Oh, okay. I will do it, but it's just so juvenile.

Oh. Got to go.

I'm meeting Shawn at the video arcade.

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

(voice quavering): I'm, uh...

I'm sorry to bother you, but, uh...

I got some Sandpiper mail by mistake.

Here you go.

Again, I'm sorry

if I disturbed you.

(moans softly)

Are you okay?

(voice breaking): Uh-huh.

It's the circus, isn't it?

Oh, forget it, Hackett.

You wouldn't understand.

Maybe I would.

It was that clown Bippy.

He took away my dignity.

He humiliated me in front of all of those people.

It was hell.

I told you, Roy--

bad, bad things happen at the circus.

What happened to you under the big top?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on, Hackett.

I can see it's eating you up inside.

It was an elephant.

(gasps)

I was six years old.

My father took me to the circus.

I'd been looking forward to it for weeks.

There I was, sitting in the front row

with my Orange Crush watching the Flying Zambinis.

Tough break about most of those guys.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, suddenly, I felt this tugging at my drink.

I looked over and there it was--

a big, hairy elephant trunk inhaling my Orange Crush.

I'll never forget

the slurp, slurp, slurping sound it made.

(slurps)

And then...

and then...

Come on, Hackett, get it all out.

And then it sneezed. (gasps)

I ran out of there

and I never set foot in that evil place again.

Wow, how can you get over something like that?

I didn't... but you can, Roy.

It's not too late.

The circus is still in town.

You go back there and demand an apology from that clown.

I can't.

You have to, Roy.

You don't want to wind up like me,

paying 30 cents extra for gas

'cause you're too scared to use the self-service hose.

Helen... Helen.

I've made a decision in my life

and I don't want you to talk me out of it.

I'm going to run away and join the circus.

Well, normally, I'd say that's insane,

but we're talking about you here

so best of luck.

I've given this a lot of thought,

so I'm not going to go do something stupid

or something I'm unqualified for

like trapeze artist or lion tamer,

but... how much skill does it take

to be fired out of a cannon?

Huh?

I mean, if a ball of lead can do it...

You know, normally I'd say that's crazy

and you're risking your life for nothing,

but best of luck.

(laughs)

That's what I thought.

My career is about to take off.

(imitates cannon firing)

Hey, Antonio,

where are you going so dressed up?

I'm trying out for the human cannonball.

Would you like me to light a fire?

Oh, God, yes!

I... I mean...

Sure. That would be nice.

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah.

Feels good.

Oh... yeah.

Feels more good.

Oh, mama!

Yeah, sweetie?

(screams)

(both scream)

What the hell happened?

Didn't you see the tie?

There was no tie!

You forgot to leave a signal!

That tie was some kind of signal?

I should have known that you would screw this up.

You are always screwing up my life.

I swear, one day when you least expect it,

you're just going to... you're just going to get it.

She has very deep emotional problems.

The state pays me to let her live here.

You know, obviously,

this is a little awkward for all of us.

Uh... yeah.

So instead of avoiding the situation,

let's just deal with it.

Okay? Why don't we all

go to dinner together tomorrow night.

Huh, Brian?

Sure. Sounds good. Yeah.

Okay. That's fine.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

I mean, after all,

there's nothing that weird going on here.

Oh, stupid me.

I forgot my helmet.

They're going to give me

something called a brain impact test.

Be home late...

unless they aim the cannon this way.

So the shoe salesman says, "Lady, you're an eight

but with a bigger set of knockers, you'd be a ten."

(chortling)

Hey, hey, that's a smart joke.

You guys suck.

Get out of here.

(knocking)

Excuse me. Mr. Bippy?

Could I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, uh, Pauly told me it'd be another week

before he sent in his goons.

My name is Roy Biggins.

You pulled me out of the audience

during one of your shows.

You remember me?

Yeah, well, I should.

I must've gotten a hernia.

(laughing)

See? He's mean. Let's go.

No. Come on, come on, there, buddy, you can do this.

Look, I don't have any idea who you are.

I do two shows a day for three weeks straight...

and I drink.

So I get what you call "lapses."

Well, maybe I can refresh your memory.

(barking like a seal)

Oh! Oh! Big guy, third row!

That was a good night.

Man, I was on fire.

Do you have an idea what you've done to this man?

Hackett, if this is going to mean anything,

I got to handle it by myself.

That's okay, Roy, I'm here for you.

No...

really, it's okay.

(elephant trumpeting)

Please don't make me go out there.

Come on, Hackett!

You can do it.

Come on.

(elephant trumpeting)

Oh, for cryin' out loud...

Get out... (thud)

So what do you want with me, huh?

This isn't one of those nuisance suits, is it?

'Cause if it is...

I want an apology.

Oh, come on, for what?

I was just doing my job.

Is your job preying on people's weaknesses

and humiliating them in public?

Yeah.

Well, then it's vicious and abusive.

And if what you need to do is make other people feel bad

so you can feel good, you must be a very unhappy man.

What makes you think I'm unhappy, huh?

'Cause I'm living in luxury.

I'm pulling down almost six Gs a year.

Don't give me that sob story.

I don't care about any of that.

Why would you?

You hotshot types never care,

with your hundred-dollar suits and your fancy coifs.

(chuckling)

Well, maybe your life isn't so great.

"Isn't so great"?

Look at me, I'm about as low as you go.

No, actually, there was this schnook cab driver

who came in the other day

wanting the human cannonball job, all right?

That's as low as you go.

CASEY: Mmm!

Now, remember, there is nothing strange about this.

That's right--

we're just having dinner with our dates...

Mrs. Palmer...

And her son.

(doorbell rings)

Okay.

(clears throat)

Hi.

Hi.

Oh.

Hey! Hey!

Hi! Come on in.

Nice.

Yeah.

Sit down.

(groaning)

(chuckling)

This is really nice.

Lovely.

Nice...

Okay, you know what, you guys? We can do this.

I think we're just trying a little too hard.

Yeah, Casey's right.

I think we should just relax

and just have a regular... a regular conversation.

Yeah. So, Shawn, you're in medical school, man, right?

That's pretty impressive.

I'm really proud of him.

He's worked so hard.

You're telling me.

It's a real grind.

That's why I've decided to take next year off.

What?

Casey and I are going to bum around South America.

Shawn's a little burned out after medical school,

and, well, after my three months at the department store,

well, I'm fried.

I-I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Do you know how hard it was to get him into medical school?

Mom, it's my life.

Not while I'm paying for it, it's not.

Now, now, now.

It's not necessarily

set in stone.

Have you kids thought this plan through?

Traveling through South America

can be pretty expensive.

We know that-- we're not idiots.

We're going to sell huaraches by the side of the road

and, like, grow our own food and stuff.

Oh, my God, you are not going anywhere, young man.

You're finishing medical school, like we planned.

"We"?

You can't run our lives!

Don't take that tone with us, young lady.

Oh, God!

We do not want your bourgeois lifestyle.

Have you forgotten what it's like to be our age?

What are you talking about? I am your age.

No, you're not.

Casey's only 24.

(stifling a sob)

BRIAN: Ho!

You've got chutzpah, lady.

She's 34, and that's what she'll admit to.

Is that true?

I... I can't believe

I ever slept with you!

You slept with my son's girlfriend?

Well, uh, yes...

But she wasn't his girlfriend at the time.

She was my... sister-in-law.

Exactly.

Honey, are you sure you want to quit medical school

for this woman?

I mean, she's so much older than you. Oh, now, wait a second,

wait a second, we don't necessarily have to make

age an issue here.

I mean, you're a whole lot older than me

and I got over it.

"Got over it"?

I didn't think it was a problem.

Well, it's not anymore.

"Anymore"?

Any more... wine?

Come on, Shawn. We're leaving.

Hey! Shawn's not

five years old, and he's not just

going to "go home with his mommy."

If you stay in med school, I'll buy you a new car.

Bye!

Mama's boy!

Well... that got ugly.

Yeah... and faster than usual.

How you doing, Roy?

I made a friend.

How about you, Hackett?

It was incredible.

I had a complete breakthrough.

I met the lion-tamer,

I watched the jugglers rehearse...

Look, I'm drinking an Orange Crush!

Good for you, Hackett.

Listen, I really got to thank you

for making me come with you.

I feel like... after all these years,

my circus nightmare is finally over.

(slurping)