Original subtitles

(straining): Okay. Here you go.

Okay. Here you go.

Oh, I need you

to carry them out to the plane.

Oh, sorry.

That's the baggage-handler's job.

Now...

here you go.

A quarter.

25 lousy cents.

When did people get so cheap?

Well, Antonio, if you want bigger tips,

you're just going to have to earn them

the old-fashioned way.

You've got to roll up your sleeves, dig in your heels

and suck up until you're blue in your face.

Oh, good afternoon,

and welcome to Sandpiper.

Have a nice flight,

Mister... Patterson.

It's been a pleasure serving you.

(groans)

I think I get it.

Maybe I try that.

I can't do worse than a stinking quarter.

I should have thrown it right back in his face.

Oh, my God, where'd it go? Where'd it go?

Hey, get away from my quarter.

(phone ringing)

Sandpiper.

(coughing)

It's for you.

I'll have to call you back.

Brian, what's wrong with you?

(groans)

Man, it started

with a little tickle in my throat,

and then my ears plugged up,

my nose started running,

I got the gland thing happening,

and then... and then...

(sneezes)

(groans)

Damn it, Brian, I just got this Cosmo...

for Helen.

Why don't you-Why don't you just go home?

Are you sure?

Yes. Just go. Go.

(muttering) Go, go, go.

(groaning)

Helen,

could I please have a cup of hot tea to go, please? Sure.

Hey, Helen, I have to ask your opinion on something.

I have got a big date on Saturday night.

What do you think of my new dress?

BRIAN: Oh, that's really...

(sneezes)

Oh, gross!

Now I can't take it back after I wear it.

What is the matter with you?

Now, be nice, Casey. Can't you see he's sick?

Here's your tea, baby.

Thank you, Helen.

People are so sweet to you when you're sick.

Some people.

So...? A date?

Yeah.

Who is he?

His name is Jack Gordon

and he's from Nashville.

He's a buyer at my department store.

He's tall, he's handsome,

and I cannot believe that he asked me out.

Casey, don't be so surprised.

A lot of guys want to ask you out.

Really? Who?

How about Saul from the park?

Who's a hundred.

Oh, and don't forget

Stinky Timmy from the gas station.

He's always had his eye on you.

Yeah, well, he's only got the one.

Like I said, I can't believe Jack asked me out.

Hey, hey, Chappel. Yeah.

If you were having people over for dinner

and making chicken, what kind of wine would you serve?

Oh, probably a dry Chardonnay.

Dry Chardonnay. Great.

Bring a couple of bottles of that

when you and Joe come over for dinner on Saturday night.

Wh-wh-wh-whoa-whoa.

First of all, if I was coming over to your house,

I'd need a lot more than wine.

And second of all, there's no way in hell

that Joe and I are ever coming over to your house for dinner,

but thank you for asking.

Not even if this was a matter of life and death for me?

I'm afraid not.

Okay, Chappel, look-- hear me out.

You know that woman, Pauline,

that I've been dating for the last month?

Mm-hmm.

Well, on Saturday night,

I'm going to have Mom over for dinner

and I am finally going to introduce her to Pauline.

You mean she's real?

Pauline? Of course she's real.

Well, I thought she was like, you know, Ramona.

Hey, Ramona was just a transitional thing.

Besides, she popped.

Okay... if I needed another reason

for not coming over to your house

that would be it.

Come on, look, Chappel, look, I need a buffer.

Mom can be, well, a little critical (nervous laugh),

and it would really sort of take the pressure off... Pauline

if I had some friends there.

Oh. Well... I see what you mean.

I got to stick with no.

I understand. I do.

A few hours of your time is just too much to spare,

even if it would make a poor old woman happy.

(voice breaking): In the scant time that she has left.

Okay, damn it, we'll come!

Don't forget that Chardonnay, and pick up a red, too.

Okay. Here you are, Mr. Albright.

Oh, oh... Tom.

Now, you have a wonderful flight

and give my love to Griff and Mitzi, okay?

Oh, for me? Ten bucks.

Oh... I should be paying you

just for the pleasure of your company.

Chump.

Joe?

Honey? (door closes)

We have to talk.

I've done something

and I'm not very proud of it.

What is it?

Oh, G...

This is so hard for me to say, Joe.

First of all, I'm sorry.

I never meant for this to happen.

Please, will you just say it?

Joe...

Roy invited us over for dinner Saturday night,

and I said yes.

(groans)

Oh, my God.

I thought it was another man.

Oh, damn. Why couldn't it have been another man?

What were you thinking, Helen?

It's a real important night for him.

He's going to introduce his mom to Pauline.

His girlfriend? You mean, she's real?

Apparently he and Ramona had a big blowup.

Anyway... listen, we won't stay long.

We'll just go in and we'll eat and we'll get out.

What makes you think we can get out?

What makes you think anyone gets out?

It's not as bad as we think it's going to be.

Besides, we've had Roy over to our house before.

Yeah, but that's different.

It was a controlled environment. (knocking on glass)

Hey, guys, I just talked to Mom

about Saturday night.

She is so excited, she's going to wear her good hair.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, hey, guys.

Come on in.

Well, are you coming in or not?

We're thinking.

Wow...

This place is...

so...

you.

Thanks.

I know some people like to use a decorator, but not me.

I like to pick up pieces that speak to me.

What the hell did that thing say?

It said, "I'm big enough to hide that stain on the wall."

So, let's get this party started.

Have one.

One what?

Is this some sort of meat?

You're warm. (phone ringing)

Okay, guys, uh...

make yourselves comfortable.

Hello?

Ah, hi, Pauline. Hold on.

Not there!

That's Mom's special chair.

But she's not here yet.

How would she...? Oh...

she'll know.

Excuse me, I'm going to have to take this in the other room.

Hi. Yeah.

Great. Pauline hasn't even left yet.

We're going to be here all night.

Let's the best of this.

(screams)

What is that? I don't know.

It looks like what's on the hors d'oeuvre tray,

only with legs.

Oh, my God!

It can't be killed.

What's... What's the matter, Roy?

Pauline isn't going to be much longer, is she?

Pauline's not coming.

She just broke up with me.

Aw. Aw, we're sorry, Roy.

That's too bad.

You probably want to be alone.

Come on, Helen.

Joe, we can't just leave him here.

Look at him. He's upset.

Look, we'll just stay five minutes.

Try to make him feel better.

Will that kill you?

No, but that might!

GIRL (on TV): I finished my chores, Pa.

Can I go to the church fair?

Mr. Oleson's giving out apples.

MAN: You run along, half pint, but don't fill up.

Ma's making bean soup for dinner.

Hey, I was taping that!

(sneezes)

God, would you look at this place?!

My date is picking me up any minute.

I wanted everything to be perfect.

Would you help me clean up?

Oh, good one, Casey. Yeah, good one.

Yeah, yeah, you worry about a couple of tissues on the floor

instead of that freshly embalmed look

you got going.

Hey...

I look great.

And you know what else?

I feel great, too.

Why, tonight's going to be just magical.

Anything you say, Baby Jane.

What... What have you got on

under that dress?

What, are you smuggling tires?

No.

Does it look bad?

They're thermals.

No, no...

Not at all.

Listen, why don't you just admit that you're sick

and go to bed?

Because I am not sick!

Sickness is all in your head.

You just... you can't give in to it.

You know what your problem is?

You're weak.

(doorbell rings)

It's Jack!

(sniffling): Coming!

God, it's like an oven in here!

(moans)

Hey...

looking good.

Brian, you keep your mouth shut.

You do not ruin this for me.

Hi, Casey.

Hi.

(coughing)

(coughing harder)

Just had a little tickle in my throat.

Are you okay?

Oh, never better.

Are you sure?

Oh, absolutely.

Completely sure.

4:58, 4:59, five minutes.

Okay, come on, Helen, let's go.

Joe...

will you have some feelings, please?

Roy, I'm so sorry.

I know how much you liked her.

I don't think you deserved this at all.

Okay, Joe, I'm ready.

Ehh, you guys might as well go.

Mom's going to be here any minute.

She already thinks I'm a loser.

I'll just tell her I got dumped and that'll confirm it.

Sounds like a plan. Night-night.

Unless...

I-I don't have to tell Mom the truth.

Oh, my God, it won't open.

We can't get out.

What do you mean?

We got to get out.

I don't have to tell Mom that I got dumped.

Open it, open it, open it, open it.

I can't open it. He's locked us in.

Hey, guys, there is something I could use you for.

Oh, my God, he's going to cut us up

and turn us into hors d'oeuvres.

Chappel, I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend.

Well, spread me on a cracker and put me on a tray

'cause there's no way I'm doing that!

I know, I know it sounds crazy, but I'm desperate.

Mom has been looking forward

to this meeting with Pauline for weeks

and she does not handle disappointment well.

What's the point? Your mom's going to find out

Pauline dumped you eventually.

No, no, no, she won't.

Before the evening is over, I'll dump Helen.

Oh, this just gets worse and worse.

Please...

please... please!

Look, it'll be over by 10:00 p.m. sharp. I promise.

I am begging you.

Mom's heart-- it can't take this kind of news.

It will kill her.

She's so delicate and frail.

(banging on door)

MOM: Open up, Roy!

I got to use the can!

She's here.

Mom, it's stuck again.

Now it's unstuck.

Hi, Mommy.

Shut up.

Who are you?

She's uh, uh...

I'm Pauline, Roy's girlfriend.

Well, get out of my way.

I got a bladder the size of a shot glass.

Oh, this is your woman, huh?

(screams) Hey!

Dainty little miss, ain't she?

You know what, Roy, I don't think that...

And you must be my entertainment for the evening.

Well, I guess I've done worse.

Oh, my God, no.

I'm...

The houseboy, Ar-Arturo.

Arturo the houseboy.

Arturo, we need drinks.

Houseboy?!

You'd rather be her entertainment?

And what will the lady be having?

Bourbon, neat, and leave the bottle.

And me and my baby here will have some wine.

And leave the bottle.

So, Mrs. Biggins...

(clears throat)

It's just so nice to finally meet you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's beautiful.

How'd you meet my son?

Oh, yeah, well...

oh, gosh, we were...

we were at the same place at the same time.

Oh, gosh, well, Roy, you tell it so much better.

Go ahead.

She was stripping over at The Fancy Lady.

She gave me a lap dance for my birthday.

Well, in your line of work, I guess you meet a lot of men.

What made him stand out?

Well, um...

he was there, and, uh...

he had a lap, and...

I'm sorry it took so long, Mr. Roy.

So, uh, if there's nothing else, I guess I will be going.

Oh, no, you don't, Hazel.

You're staying right here.

Listen, as long as you're going to be sticking around,

I could use a scalp massage.

Roy, go get him the gloves.

(blowing nose loudly)

(nasally): I wonder if Jack still thinks I'm pretty.

Of course, he does, my dear.

You got a little fever blister thing happening right over here.

No!

You did this to me.

Yeah, with your sneezing and your coughing

and your cooties all over the house.

Know something?

You're starting to disturb my healing process.

If you're going to camp out in my sick room,

you're going to live by my rules:

No whining, no moaning, and most important,

keep away from me with that lip.

I finally get asked out by a great guy

and I get sick...

God, I'm never going to hear from him again.

It's over.

Stop being so dramatic. Huh?

Jack will call you again

one night

around 2:00 a.m.

when he's good and drunk and the bars are closed.

You watch.

That phone will ring.

Oh, I hope you're right.

Okay, Mrs. Biggins,

I picked all the pineapple out of your fruit cocktail.

It's just peaches and pears now, like you said.

If I find one piece of pineapple in there, boy,

it's going to be your ass.

Mr. Roy, it's almost 10:00,

you know, quitting time.

Uh, Roy, it is kind of getting late.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

But, look, Arturo, do you mind...

could you please just give me

another couple of minutes?

Do you mind?

Oh, listen to you.

"Please, Arturo."

"Do you mind, Arturo?"

You're such a simp.

Don't you know how to talk to help?

Here, go clip this

and come back with a lighter and an ashtray.

And you're not going anyplace else until I tell you to.

You know what?

I've had just about enough of your venom,

you miserable old gargoyle.

(cackles)

I like him.

He's got moxie.

Go fix my cigar.

Yes, ma'am.

Why can't you be more like him?

Would it kill you to show a little moxie?

Oh, boy, this has just been a whole mess of fun.

Mom, I got moxie.

I got a girlfriend, don't I?

Dating at your age?

What the hell is that?

I mean, when are you going to be a man and settle down?

You know, Roy,

weren't you going to tell me something, like, around 10:00?

No, no. Ticktock, ticktock.

Roy, say something.

Okay, okay, all right, all right.

All right, Pauline, I don't know how to say this

but, uh, we've been seeing each other for about a month now

and we've had a really wonderful time, huh,

but it can't go on like this.

Will you marry me?

What?

What the hell is going on here, Mr. Roy?

You're getting married?

Just like you wanted. So what do you say, darling?

No!

I'm with her.

Okay, okay, then we'll have a long engagement.

Over my dead body.

Isn't that what we're looking at?

Roy, this bleach-blonde floozy

is fine for shacking up with

but she's not marriage material.

Excuse me.

Bleached blonde?

These are highlights.

Okay, look, that's it, that's enough.

I'm going to be driving the floozy home now.

No, you just hold on, Arty.

I'm not marriage material?

Mom, I don't understand.

You just said that you want me to settle down again.

Yeah, but not with her.

What's wrong with me?

Okay, toots, here it is.

You're just not of our ilk.

You might be good enough

for someone like Arturo here,

but not my Roy.

Hey, what makes you think she's good enough for me?

Oh, like I can't do better than a houseboy.

I love you, son, but it's her or me.

Roy!

You love me?

Mom, you haven't said that for years.

Well, I don't like to go around advertising it.

Oh, Mommy, I... All right, all right, all right, all right.

Come on, Pauline, let's get the hell out of here.

No, no! I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not a floozy.

I'm a good girl.

Why don't you like me?

Well, I've had enough for one night.

Why don't you take me back to the home?

Oh, Mom, why don't you hang out for a while, huh?

Just you and me.

No sappy talk?

I can change.

Just give me another chance.

I love your son.

(door closes)

(romantic music swelling on TV)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(both cough)

(romantic music continues)