Original subtitles

Well, I'm off.

It took me eight years

but I finally got a paid vacation out of Joe.

What are you going to do?

I'm going on a traveling murder mystery weekend.

I've heard of those-- that's where you go on a train trip

and then somebody pretends to get killed

and you have to figure out who the murderer is.

Cochran, are you sure you want to be cooped up

with a bunch of people in a train for that long?

Of course not.

I would never do anything that cheesy.

This one's on a bus.

No, I think

it's going to be very exciting.

At any moment, the person next to you

can clutch his chest and keel over.

Just make sure he doesn't clutch your chest and keel over.

I think you're both jealous.

I'm going to have the time of my life.

This is a first-class operation

with a very sophisticated clientele.

(horn honking "Funeral March")

Oh, that's my bus.

Well, uh, thank you very much for coming in, Mr., uh...

Doe.

So, when do I start?

Well, uh, as we explained, it's just a temp job.

We have your resume, so, uh, we'll call you.

That sounds like a kiss-off.

No, no, no.

We really will call you.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Well, what did you think?

Well, uh, he was the best one yet.

Yeah.

One thing that kind of bothered me about his resume.

No, I'm okay with the overturned homicide conviction.

I just kind of wish

that it hadn't been his last boss.

All right, look, listen,

he'd only be working for us for a few days.

It's not like we're replacing Fay.

(knock on glass)

Hi. I'm Shannon Carson.

I'm here about the job.

Oh, well, now, we just have to replace Fay.

Taxi?

Uh, taxi anyone?

Yo. Cab.

Hey, buddy, you got a buck?

Damn shuttle's killing my business.

What does it have that my cab doesn't?

Heat...

seat belts...

brakes...

I hear it seldom catches fire.

Sure.

Everybody wants heat, but nobody wants fire.

Ah...

who am I kidding?

Thanks to that damn shuttle, I'm going broke.

I need a second job.

Well, I can't promise anything,

but there might be an opening down at the department store.

I could put in a word with my boss, Mr. Berkeley.

Really?

You think you could swing it?

I mean, that would be so great.

Well, now, it's only minimum wage.

Minimum wage.

Wow.

Finally have a little mad money.

Thanks very much for coming in, Shannon.

Let me just ask you something.

If we were to hire you,

uh, would you be available to start tomorrow?

Oh, yes.

Great. Okay, we'll let you know.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Well, that's it.

It's either Shannon

or the man formerly known as inmate number 72144.

I think it's a no-brainer.

Absolutely. We go with the convict.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Joey, I'm serious.

I cannot spend three days behind the counter with Shannon.

See, I know me.

I'll never get any work done.

I'll be so distracted.

Every time she walks by, I'll be undressing her with my hands.

Just hold up for one minute.

You look me in the eye and tell me

that you cannot keep your hormones under control

for three days.

You're right-- we go with the convict.

Who's going with a convict?

Casey?

Well, maybe she can hang on to this one.

No, it's the guy who we're going to hire to replace Fay

because Glandzilla over here

thinks it would be too distracting

to hire an attractive, qualified woman

who applied for the job.

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that you're not going to hire her

because she's attractive?

The poor woman--

she's trying to make a living

and you won't let her because you can't see past her looks.

You know what? That is just wrong.

Joe, I forgot to give you my references.

Oh, you know what? It won't be necessary.

You're hired.

Great. Thank you.

Then I'll see you tomorrow.

JOE: Bye-bye, Shannon.

Shannon?

You didn't tell me she was a...

Shannon.

Excuse me, Brian.

Could you come and help me with something, please?

Okay.

Do I file the passenger manifests

by flight number or by date?

By date.

Thanks. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, there's more.

Yeah, I'm a little confused about your computer system.

Mm-hmm.

I type in a reservation, hit Enter. Yeah?

The screen goes blank.

Could you show me what I'm doing wrong?

Yeah, it's really quite simple.

Um... before you hit Enter...

you have to press, uh, Escape, F3.

Oh, F3, then Enter.

Thanks. Sure, sure.

(clattering) (cries out)

Here, let me get that.

Oh, God, no!

What?

I got it.

So, uh...

will there be anything else?

No, that was pretty much it.

Um, thanks for your help.

Uh-huh.

If you need me,

I'll be in Helen's freezer.

(knocking on door)

Joe, where would you like me to file

these F.A.A. reports?

Right there-- top drawer on the left.

It's stuck.

No, it's not stuck.

It just needs a little bit of, uh... muscle.

Well, it's stuck.

Here, let me try again.

(yells)

Ouch!

I'm so sorry.

It's no problem.

It's my fault.

W-W-Wait a minute.

Wait, uh... Wait a minute, um...

I... this is crazy.

I-I'm married.

I can't do this.

Right. Right.

You want me to finish filing?

No.

Joe! Joe!

(gasping)

What happened?

I don't know. I guess you had one of your dreams

about falling off the bed.

Oh, Casey...

Casey, I can't thank you enough

for getting me a job at your store.

I'm going to be the best stock boy that store has ever had.

Of course, they tell me I'll be the oldest, too,

but, uh...

Hey, I'm down with the kids.

Come on, let's get to work.

Oh, would you relax?

What's the rush?

Well, it's my first day.

Mr. Berkeley, you know, he said specifically

that the stock boys have to be there 9:00 a.m. sharp.

Mr. Berkeley, Mr. Berkeley.

Let me tell you about our employee philosophy

we have down at Henley's.

Screw it!

You know, as a matter of fact,

we don't even have to be there until 10:00

because my friend, Peggy, in gift wrap,

she punches us all in.

Oh, well... "screw it" is a fine philosophy, but...

it's my first day.

I'd like to make a good impression,

so I thought I'd, you know...

show up.

Good morning, Brian.

(grunts)

Ow. Uh...

my hair is caught on a button.

Uh-huh.

Could you help me, please?

I hate when this happens.

This is the problem with having long hair.

You know, one time I got it caught in a necklace.

I had to cut a whole bunch off.

It took, like, six months to grow back.

How's it going?

(choking): Done.

Thank you.

Freezer.

I do not know what is wrong with me.

I'm all thumbs lately.

There's your muffin.

Let me ask you something.

When you were married to Stuart,

did you ever have a dream about him and another woman?

No... but he had dreams about me and another woman.

So why do you ask?

Sounds silly to even say this,

but last night I dreamed that Joe was kissing

his new temp.

That convict I saw in here the other day?

No.

No, they hired a woman.

Big deal, they hired a woman.

So you do think I'm overreacting?

Yes. There is no woman in the world

that could come between you and Joe,

you know, unless, of course, she looked like that.

Oh, yeah. Also, call the fuel guy

and tell him he's got to make his delivery

by 10:00 tomorrow morning.

All right, break it up! It's over, baby!

My... ten-minute break is over, baby.

Just thought you might like to know that.

Helen, is everything all right?

Yes. Yes, it's fine.

Please, please, as you were.

I think I'll go pick up those office supplies now.

Okay, okay.

Just take your time.

Fay always does.

All right.

Well, um...

guess I'll just... go back

because my break's over

and... there's no use in hanging around here

because, well, you know, my break is over.

Helen, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You have been acting really weird

the last couple of days.

Me? Weird?

(blows raspberry)

Well, you might say that, but I've been picking up

a really weird vibe ever since Shannon got here.

She's not making you uncomfortable, is she?

Me? Uncomfortable?

(blows raspberry)

Besides, I'm the one

that told you to hire her in the first place.

That's right, that's true, but...

I just want you to know...

Joe, Joe, Joe...

(blowing raspberries)

(blows raspberry)

(knock on door)

Boy, you work hard.

Who, me?

Yeah, you fly the planes,

you take care of the passengers,

you run the business...

I mean, that's pretty amazing.

Oh, come on, it's no big deal.

Yes, it is.

It's a very big deal.

Well, okay, it's a... it's a little big deal.

Ow...

What's the matter?

It's so weird. I fell out of bed the other night.

I must have wrenched my neck.

Maybe I can help.

It's okay. It'll work itself out.

Oh... oh...

Oh, yeah... oh, that's better.

Good.

Mm, mm, that's much better.

Hey...

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

Um... I must've... misread the signals.

Shannon, Shannon, wait, wait.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, look, don't be.

Let's just pretend this never happened, okay?

You're very sweet for saying that.

Well... you're very sweet, too.

Y-You're very... very sweet.

No!

Joe!

Joe!

What's wrong?

Oh... nothing.

I just had... another falling-off-the-bed dream.

Morning, Casey.

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Hey, Antonio, pull up a doughnut.

Peggy faked a doctor's note for me.

Looks like I've got a terrible flu.

(fake coughing)

Peggy...

I'm afraid Peggy no longer works for the company.

Oh?

Hey, aren't you a little overdressed for a stock boy?

Perhaps, although I'm hardly overdressed

for assistant director of personnel.

Management? You're management?

How did you get to be management?

Well, unlike you and your slacker cohorts,

I actually, um... I actually show up and work.

Huh.

Hey, wait a minute.

I was marked for management.

Those were Mr. Berkeley's exact words.

Well, Don and I had a little chat.

Don? You're on a first-name basis?

Everybody's on a first-name basis

in the company steam room.

You were in the steam room with Mr. Berkeley

discussing my future?

You rotten ingrate!

I got you that job!

Dah-ah-dah-ah-ah...

Attitude, missy, attitude.

Now, if I were you,

uh... I'd get over that little flu...

(fake coughing)

...in a big hurry.

Uh, say, by, um...

...9:00 a.m. sharp.

You stinking, miserable...

What was that?

Nothing.

Sir.

Here are the F.A.A. reports for your signature.

(muffled): Mm-hmm.

I double-checked them. Everything's in order.

You just have to sign right here.

You know, I still can't get over

that's your signature.

(mumbles gibberish)

Hi, Shannon.

Hi, Joe.

So...

Shannon's last day.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, right.

Last day.

She's a good worker.

She's a great worker.

She's no Fay.

Ohhh... you got that right.

Maybe it's a good thing it's Shannon's last day.

I mean, even I found her kind of attractive...

I mean, I mean distractive.

Oh, no, no, no.

What-What-What did you say?

Nothing, nothing.

Well, it's just that I had sort of a...

a little dream about her last ni...

Yeah, I wouldn't even call it a dream.

It was more like a... a little story

that happened while I was sleeping.

Really?

Uh, what kind of story?

Ah, well, it was... perfectly innocent.

We were here in the office doing some paperwork,

and one thing led to another, and before I knew it,

Shannon was licking the inside of my throat with her tongue!

(yells)

You owe me an apology, my friend.

Yeah. I begged you not to hire her,

and you went ahead and hired her.

And now, because of you, I've got freezer burn.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You were right. I made a mistake.

I never should have hired her, okay?

But she's going now.

Thank God.

I don't think I could have spent

five more minutes with her.

(horn honking "Funeral March")

BOTH: Fay's back!

BOTH: Oh, you're back!

Oh...!

Give me some space!

I just spent three days trapped in a bus with 52 people

and a chemical toilet.

Back off!

That was the worst excuse

for a vacation I ever had.

The corpse and her husband, the bus driver,

had a big fight and stormed off the bus

leaving the rest of us stranded at the side of the road.

I don't even want to tell you what happened

when we ran out of food.

We might as well have been a soccer team in the Andes.

Well, we're really glad you're back.

We're really, really glad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, if you're so glad,

next year give me a raise

so that I can go to Branson like a person!

Hey, Joe.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Sure, Helen.

What is it?

Well...

you know how we said

that we wouldn't keep secrets from each other?

There's something I need to tell you.

A couple of nights ago...

I had a dream that you were having an affair with Shannon.

What? What? Me? With Shannon?

Where would you get something like that?

I don't know. You know, she's just so pretty and everything...

She's very nice, but, uh...

she's nothing to get all worked up over.

I just wanted to tell you because I was jealous

and I don't want to be that kind of person, so...

the whole thing was stupid, and I want you to forgive me.

Are you kidding me?

Come here.

Excuse me, Joe. I got to run.

I'm on the Aeromass 6:00 to Boston,

but I just wanted to say good-bye

and thank you for everything.

Why are you on Aeromass?

'Cause we cancelled our 6:00.

There's no one on.

Well, now there is.

Joe, you take her.

I don't think that's a good idea, Helen.

Really. Take her.

I don't want to.

Joe, I'm okay with this.

It's fine.

JOE: Okay, fine.

Uh... come on...

(gulps): Shannon.

Let's go.

You know, Joe, I still don't understand

why I have to sit all the way back here.

It's for your own safety.

And mine.

It's a weight distribution thing.

F.A.A. regulations.

Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't.

You know, I've really enjoyed working with you

these past few days.

Kind of hate to see it end.

Yeah, well, that's life.

Things begin, things end.

You live, you die.

Bummer, but that's the way it is.

Well, I guess you just have to...

try to have fun while you're here.

What does that mean?

Shannon... please...

I'm a happily married man.

I'm a married man.

My wife doesn't understand me.

What the hell is going on here?!

Joe...

you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

And, Shannon...

you should be doing this.

Hey, Brian... Brian...

Yes?

Brian.

What?

Can I have a word with you in the back?

All right.

Hold my place.

So, what's up?

Not you. Oh, boy.

(fading): Shannon...!

Okay, Shannon, where were we?

Shannon?

Shannon?

Shannon, wake up. We're here.

Shannon, Shannon, wake up. Huh?

We're here.

What?

We've landed in Boston.

Oh.

Okay, um...

Thanks for the ride, and, um...

really nice working with you.

Is-Is everything okay?

Oh. Sure.

Of course.

Everything's just...

(blows raspberry)

Casey...

Did you hear what happened?

They found some stolen merchandise in my locker.

I got fired.

Yeah?

Consider yourself lucky.

What does that mean?

My backup plan involved an "accident" in Kitchenware.