Original subtitles

(screams)

Oh! (woman screams on TV)

Oh, God, is he dead yet?!

Of course.

The psycho's got a pickax through his head.

(both screaming)

Okay, now he's dead.

Oh, God.

Okay, I got to go.

Hey, are you going to be okay here alone tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Joe will be back first thing in the morning

from his charter in Vermont.

Okay.

But if a homicidal maniac

with a gushing head wound comes to the door,

don't answer it.

Hey, I learned my lesson from that cheerleader.

(door latch clicking)

(keys jingling, table rattles)

Take that! (grunts)

Oh! Oh, God!

Joe, I... I didn't expect you back till tomorrow.

What are you doing here?

Bleeding.

Hey, roomie.

I brought you the mail from home.

Oh, hey, by the way, uh...

do you know anyone named Kyle Vane?

Uh... no. Why?

This letter came to the house for him.

There's no return address.

It's probably a previous tenant.

Cool name, though, huh?

Kyle Vane.

Hello! My name is Kyle Vane!

Yeah. Care to riff on the gas bill?

(Roy chuckles)

Wow.

Who's that idiot behind those Foster Grants?

What's with the glasses?

(Roy and Fay gasp)

(whistles) Oh, wow, you've got a black eye.

Really, Fay?

Gee, I hadn't noticed.

Well, maybe if you dropped the attitude,

people wouldn't want to punch your lights out.

Boy, if Joe looks like this,

I don't want to know what the other guy looks like.

Oh, baby, I feel so bad

about clocking you last night.

How is your eye?

(Roy laughs)

I get it.

Trying to spice things up in the bedroom, huh?

Little tip-- next time, don't be a hero.

Wear the head gear.

Hey, I was caught off guard.

It was a lucky punch.

Whoa-ho.

Hey, relax, Hackett, relax.

So, you're a man who likes a good whupping.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Look, Helen, all this makes me think that...

you-you get a little jumpy when I'm not around.

I think we need a burglar alarm.

I don't know, Joe, I feel pretty good knowing that I can defend myself.

I mean, I dropped you, didn't I?

Would you stop saying that?

All right, I'm sorry. I guess we do need an alarm.

Yeah, we really do, and you know what? They're not that expensive.

Okay, let's get one.

There's one little problem.

They really stick it to you on the installation.

It costs 1,000 bucks.

Don't... Don't pay that.

I'll do it.

Uh... Antonio, no offense,

but I think they charge you so much

because it takes a trained professional.

I'll do it for 75 bucks.

You're hired.

Thanks for lunch, Casey.

It was a great idea going to Boston.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

But, um, maybe we shouldn't mention this at the store.

You know, 'cause you're my boss.

I don't want people to think

I'm sucking up to you for a promotion. I understand.

Oh, by the way, I bought you a cookie.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I love your new haircut.

And your shoes, too.

Nice.

Hey, Casey, who's your friend?

Beth?

Oh, no.

You are not going to get near her.

She's not just my friend.

She's my supervisor at the department store.

So?

So, I'm working on getting a promotion.

I don't want to be a perfume spritzer

the rest of my life.

There's an opening in men's underwear.

You're just finding that out now?

Listen, you are bad news.

If I introduce you and you screw this up,

I'm the one who's going to take the heat.

All right, but on the other hand, if Beth and I hit it off,

then you're the one who gets the credit.

Then, pretty soon, it'll be you saying,

"Yes, sir, that's a reinforced crotch."

You're on.

CASEY: So, how did your date with Beth go?

Well, it was great.

Uh, I haven't met a woman I like this much

in a long time.

I think I could... really get serious about her.

All right.

I am on my way!

Oh, yeah, we got another one of those letters.

Oh, you mean for Kyle Vane?

Yeah. We get one of those every day.

So, we got to figure out what to do with them.

Well, I guess I'll drop it on the old Kyle pile.

WOMAN: Dear Kyle,

last night, I had another dream about you.

I was standing on a sand dune, gazing out toward the sea

looking for something.

I didn't know what.

Then I saw you.

The sunlight danced off your hair,

the blue of your eyes matched the water

and I knew what I was looking for-- you.

I can't wait to hear from you.

Love, R.

Whoa.

I can't stop thinking about

the time we climbed to the top of the old lighthouse

and yelled out to the world that we loved each other.

Does that still mean anything to you?

Please answer my letters.

Love, R.

I ran to the mailbox today, breathless with excitement

but again, it was empty.

Did you ever love me?

If I don't hear from you soon, I'll know your answer

and then, I'll close my heart forever

because the love I have for you

is the kind a woman only feels once. R.

(choked up): Wow.

(footfalls approaching)

Hey. What are you doing up?

Uh, you know, I just couldn't sleep.

Oh. Yeah. Me, too.

I'm going to make some tea.

You know, Brian, promotion aside,

I'm really glad that things are working out

for you and Beth.

Who?

So, what do you think so far?

HELEN (gasps): Oh, my God!

Wires, Joe.

There's lots of wires, Joe.

Helen, please, please.

Uh, I'm sure that Antonio isn't finished yet... right?

Of course not!

I'm a professional.

There! Perfect!

(alarm goes off)

What the hell is that?

Pretty great, huh?

See, I've given you a real custom job.

The entire room is filled

with infrared sensors, motion detectors.

A burglar hits one of those hot spots and...

(imitating alarm)

Buddy, could you... turn it off?

No problem.

Okay.

System's off.

Um...

so are the lights.

Well, at least, you don't see the wires.

You see, I've wired the alarm

through your central electrical system.

The system is now armed.

Antonio, could you excuse us for a second?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-

uh-uh-uh!

Sensors.

To avoid them,

you just...

step... step...

duck!

Step! Step! Step! Step!

Jump!

Easy, huh?

I contacted all the former tenants

who lived in your house.

And there's not a Kyle Vane among them.

This is so frustrating.

Here's this incredible woman-- R--

who's obviously in love with this guy

who doesn't have the decency to write her back.

Well, I think if Kyle really cared about this R,

he would've found a way

to get in touch with her by now.

Well, this Kyle is an idiot

and R is-is a... fascinating woman.

She's sensitive, she's poetic.

She even likes my favorite book.

The Catcher in the Rye.

Brian, it sounds to me

like you're starting to fall for this R.

Oh, please!

That's-That's-That's crazy, Fay.

That's insane.

I-I-I never even met this person.

Sure, I can't stop thinking about her, and...

...with every word she writes,

it's like she's looking right into my soul.

But fallen for her?

Forget about it.

Well, I think it's very romantic, anyway.

In fact, it kind of reminds me of my last husband George,

who used to write letters to me.

Of course, I know where to find him.

He's in a cookie jar in my rumpus room.

Now, remember, I don't want to make you nervous,

but my entire future at the department store

rests on your shoulders,

so tonight, okay, whatever you do,

be charming,

have a good time

and at the end of the evening

when you say good night, lean in close and whisper,

"Casey belongs in men's underwear."

(doorbell rings)

Oh! She's here!

Okay. Shh!

Okay, but remember...

Yeah... "Boxers and briefs, boxers and briefs."

Just... Okay.

Enough. Okay.

Hi. Hey, Beth. Hi!

You look great.

Oh, thanks, Brian.

So do you. Thank you.

(door closes)

(sighing)

Oh!

Catcher in the Rye.

Oh, you-you like that book?

Well, no.

Frankly, I think it's a little overrated.

Adolescence is tough--

like I need 200 pages to tell me that.

(chuckles)

So, what are we going to do tonight?

I was thinking we could... R: I went for a walk today

and I saw children playing in the park.

I envied them.

I'll never be able to play like that again

with such innocence and abandon.

But then I thought, "They're too young

"to feel the passion I feel for you.

Maybe they should envy me."

...or a movie.

But whatever we do is fine with me.

You know, I have to confess, Casey warned me about you.

She said you were a little fickle,

but I don't get that from you at all.

I can't see you anymore.

I think I'm in love with someone else.

(laughing)

Oh! Me, too.

What are we going to do?

No, I-I-I'm serious, Beth.

Um, I think we should end this now before...

one of us gets hurt.

What?

How can this happen?

Casey told me you weren't seeing anyone.

I'm not.

Oh, I get it.

You're not attracted to me.

Oh, no. No, that's not it at all.

It's just that I found my soul mate--

the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Well, who is she?

I don't know, I've never met her before.

But she's your soul mate?

(sighing): Oh, yes.

And you're in love with her?

I'm afraid so.

R and I were...

were meant for each other.

R?

Your soul mate's name is... R?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

R is her initial.

I don't know her actual name.

Why do all the lunatics and maniacs find me?

Now, now, Beth, Beth, listen.

You have every reason to be upset,

but I'm-I'm hardly a lunatic.

I... oh, uh...

I almost forgot, uh...

(softly): Boxers and briefs.

Boxers.

Briefs.

That R is a lucky girl.

(alarm wailing)

I can't stand it anymore!

You have to be an Olympic gymnast

to live in this house.

Hey, you're the one who told Antonio

I know, I know, I know... that he should...

I know I'm the one

and I hate myself for being the one.

But you know who I hate even more?

Antonio.

Hi!

I brought crullers.

Before I forget,

oh.... I have something I need you to sign.

I took the liberty of writing

a letter of recommendation to pass on to new clients.

"Antonio Scarpacci is not just a handyman,

"he's a visionary.

"His work reflects

"a unique combination

of modern technology and old-world craftsmanship."

You slap your Joe Hancock on there, and I'm in business.

Okay. Uh, do you mind

if I make a few little adjustments first?

Oh, please, gush away.

Okay.

"Antonio Scarpacci is not just a handyman..."

All right, let's get rid of this "just."

Okay, "Antonio Scarpacci is not a handyman."

Okay, now, about this "visionary" line.

Let's just amend that to read:

"You'd be better off...

"hiring... a...

chimp."

No problem signing that.

All righty.

All the best to you.

Well. It's a little long for the yellow pages,

but, uh... I can probably pull a quote or two.

Okay, okay.

Here's an "R."

"Rivka... Aaronson,

113 Chadway."

Oh, I know that address.

That's the Sons of Abraham retirement home.

Rivka...

OLD WOMAN: Last night I had another dream about you.

It must have been the stuffed peppers.

When am I going to learn I can't digest spicy?

It doesn't feel right.

Keep looking.

You! I'm going to kill you!

I begged you not to screw this up for me.

What kind of lunatic dumps a real woman for some kind of psychotic fantasy?

Hey, hey, hey.

We're talking about the woman I love.

Rusty Cavaleri.

"Rusty."

MAN: Yo, last night I had a dream about youse.

Keep looking.

Look, I'm sorry.

I never meant for this to happen this way.

But it just did.

I have another letter for you from your precious R.

Well, I hope she's 300 pounds and bald!

"Dear Kyle,

"I've given up on ever hearing from you

"so I'm returning the only postcard you ever sent me.

Looking at it only brings me pain."

(sighs)

My poor R.

I've got to find her.

Maybe I should call a private eye

or go on television.

Well, yeah, or you could take her name and address

off this postcard.

Rebecca Burton.

Rebecca.

Rebecca...

WOMAN: Last night, I had another dream about you.

We have a winner.

(exhales sharply)

Yes?

(quietly): Thank you!

Hi. Um... you don't know me.

My name is Brian Hackett...

and I love you.

What?

No, no, no, no.

I know it sounds strange... it sounds strange,

but, you see, you and I are soul mates.

Forget what you had with Kyle.

You and I belong together.

Look, I don't know you.

And I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure. Okay.

And the only Kyle that I know

is Rebecca's friend

who stayed with our neighbors on Nantucket this summer.

Maybe Rebecca knows

something about this.

Rebecca!

Let it be a twin, let it be a twin.

Rebecca!

God, Mom.

You don't have to scream your head off.

Honey, this is Brian Hackett

and he seems to know Kyle.

Um... I'm sorry.

Uh, there must be some horrible, horrible, horrible...

horrible mistake. Um...

Please tell me that you're not the one who wrote those letters.

Letters?

Um... it's okay, Mom.

I know what this is about.

I can handle this.

Uh... all right.

Do you have your whistle?

Mom...

So what do you know about that geek-face Kyle?

Did he get his braces off yet?

Let me get this straight:

You're the one who wrote these letters?

You're... R?

You read my letters?

Oh, God.

Now I have to move to, like, France.

If there's anyone who has to move

to, "like, France," it's me.

I... I cannot believe I...

I got to go. Okay?

No, wait.

Can't you tell me anything about Kyle?

Sorry. I never met the geek face.

You must have really liked him, huh?

Well, duh.

I mean, we rode bikes all summer

and then one day

when we tried to ditch my little brother,

we kissed behind the Sno Cone stand.

I thought that meant I was his girlfriend.

Kyle moves fast, huh?

Well, it's not like I let him feel me up or anything.

That's good.

Oh. I am so stupid.

No, I am.

I thought Kyle loved me, but...

obviously he so doesn't.

Hey, give the guy a break.

He never got these letters.

Well, he could have called.

Yeah, well... a 12-year-old guy

has a full life, you know, what, with little league

and setting bugs on fire, making arm farts,

stuff like that.

Probably just hasn't had time.

Please. Don't insult my intelligence.

I know when I'm being blown off.

All right. Then here it is:

Guys are lunkheads, okay?

They can meet a... a woman who's totally cool, like you,

and still think that

maybe there's someone better out there.

Well, that's just dumb.

I mean, how does anyone ever get together?

(chuckles)

You are so talking to the wrong guy.

Well, I'm never falling in love again. It sucks.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love sucks sometimes.

But sometimes it's also the best thing

that could ever happen to you.

If it's any consolation,

I'm sure Kyle will never, ever forget you.

How do you know?

Well, because...

a guy never forgets his first love.

Here you go.

I live at the house where Kyle was staying

and there was no forwarding address.

You know, those letters are really...

beautiful.

Someday you'll find somebody who can appreciate that.

Thanks.

Sure.

Nobody helped you write those letters?

An aunt or older sister or...?

Still looking for something better, huh?

Enough about me.

So, uh...

you like The Catcher in the Rye, huh?

Well, it's only, like, the best book ever written.

Oh, totally, totally.

I love how Holden Caulfield

rebels against the hypocrisies

of middle-class values.

Excuse me, but that is so not the point.

The book is about the search for a sense of self.

Yeah, I got that.