Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

Making a photo album of our first year together.

Look. Here's you and me and Brian and Casey

on our wedding day.

And here's you and me and Brian and Casey

just after the honeymoon.

And here's you and Brian and Casey

carrying me over the threshold.

What are you doing?

That's it.

I am not going through another year

without a picture of us alone.

Good.

Okay, you ready?

Here we go. (camera beeping)

Smile.

Oh, hey, look, they're taking a picture!

Come on. Hey!

No, wait. Here we go.

We're just getting this one...

No! No! No!

Roy.

Hmm?

Have you tried cyber-dating yet?

I'm thinking of answering this ad.

"Six foot, two, athletic doctor

seeks loving, affectionate mate."

Let me translate that for you, Cochran.

"Six foot, two..."

That means five foot, five in lifts.

"Athletic doctor..."

Flabby shut-in.

"Seeks loving, affectionate mate..."

Big-time horn dog.

Roy, you are so cynical.

There are honest people left in the world.

"Dear Dr. Gorgeous... (typing)

"I-I-I'm a buff Uma Thurman look-alike...

and I'm ready for my checkup."

Would you forget about it, Brian?

We can't afford it.

But it was the perfect house--

three bedrooms, fireplace, a deck.

Yeah, way too much money. Let it go.

I can't let it go-- Joe and Helen

want us out of the house by Monday,

but there's no other decent rental on the island.

Would you stop exaggerating?

What was wrong with that cute cottage on Meadow Lane?

Nothing. Except we'd have to take care

of the 500-pound woman in the back bedroom.

You're right. That other house is perfect.

I mean, flower boxes and a porch swing.

A built-in vanity with a day-night dimmer.

Oh, well. You're just a big girl, aren't you?

Hey, everybody.

It sure is a great day, isn't it?

Yeah. What's so great about it?

Oh, well, the sky is blue, the birds are a-singin',

I'm having sex like a jackrabbit.

(whistles) Wow.

What's that setting you back?

No. No. With my girlfriend Elise.

Elise? Is that still going on?

It sure is, baby.

You are kidding.

I mean, that is just...

Why? Why? Why is it so hard to believe

that a beautiful woman like Elise

could fall for a guy like me?

Because your last girlfriend was a troll and dumped you.

She wasn't a troll.

She lived under a bridge and had a beard.

What would you call her?

Well, I don't care what you think.

As I said to Elise this morning

when I woke up at her apartment,

you know, in her arms in her bed,

I said, "Boy, we sure had

a lot of sex last night, didn't we?"

Antonio,

we get it.

You're spending all of your time at Elise's.

Wait a minute. So that means that you're never home,

doesn't it?

Right. And that's because we're having great...

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

But, uh...

Who looks out for your stuff, huh?

Who takes in your mail?

Who waters the plants?

Sounds like you could use some... roommates.

Yeah. Roommates.

Well, wh-who would want to move into my place?

I only have room for one bed

and my bathroom is really just a toilet

with a courtesy drape.

Um, what exactly is a courtesy drape?

Uh, actually, I was boasting.

It's really more of a thin sheet.

When the light hits it a certain way,

you might as well be on stage.

Uh...

anyhoo...

uh, Antonio...

we have got an extra bedroom

in this great new house we want to rent.

Why don't you just move in with us?

Yeah, it's a great house in a beautiful neighborhood.

Why don't you come and take a look?

Well, I guess it might be nice to live on a street

where a car isn't on fire every night.

What-what's the rent?

Um, 50 bucks less than what you're paying now.

Whew! That, plus what I'd save on rat poison

and gopher bait,

could add up to some serious dough.

So, how do you want to celebrate

our first night living alone?

I don't know. Let's do something that we couldn't do

when Brian and Casey lived here.

Okay.

I know, let's get in the hot tub.

What's so special about that?

We did that all the time when they were here.

Not in the nude.

Naked in the hot tub.

I can get my behind behind that.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to take off my clothes.

Why go upstairs?

There are no designated non-naked areas anymore.

You're right.

From now on, it's all nude all the time.

You know, Brian, I have to admit

getting Antonio to move in

was a stroke of genius.

He's the perfect roommate.

I mean, he's quiet, clean, considerate.

And never, ever here. Huh?

You know, I was thinking,

we could turn his room into a home gym.

No, no, no.

I've got big plans for that room.

Plans? What plans?

That room's going to be my...

recording studio.

What are you going to record?

Sounds I make.

CASEY: Antonio?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

I live here.

Oh... no, you don't.

You pay rent here.

You live at Elise's.

Not anymore.

She dumped me.

Oh, Antonio, that's terrible.

Now where are you going to live?

Hey, Joe, you want bacon with your eggs?

Helen, what is with that apron?

I thought we agreed nude-- nude, totally nude.

Hey.

Hey, I am not making bacon naked.

All right, but the second you're done cooking,

that apron comes off.

You don't have to twist my arm.

I don't think I was really living

till I was living nude.

Well, think about it.

If it wasn't for Brian and Casey,

we'd still be trapped in our clothes, living the lie.

You know, we should really look into one

of those colonies for our next vacation.

They're all over the place.

Oh, okay, where would you like to go?

I wouldn't mind being nude in Europe.

Wait a minute, Joe,

I don't mean to be a flag waver, but...

see America nude first.

(doorbell chimes)

I'll get it.

Oh.

Hey. Hey, guys, what can I do for you?

Hey, we live in the neighborhood.

I'm Spencer. This is Judd.

Uh, Joe, maybe the boys

could come back later.

Yeah, guys, it's really not a good time right now.

Yes, it is.

(chuckling)

See, we've got something you might be interested in.

We were working on our astronomy project for school

and we were taking some pictures of the sky

and, well, did you know we saw a full moon last night?

Yeah.

Two of them.

(snickering)

Oh, my God.

It's pictures of us taking our hot tub nude.

And us barbecuing nude.

And me cleaning the rain gutters nude.

I don't remember that.

You were in the kitchen cleaning the oven nude.

Okay, boys, we are going to tear these up

and we're going to call your parents.

Okay, but I've scanned those pictures onto my computer.

One push of a button

and you'll be cruising buck-naked down the Internet.

(snickering)

Unless...

(snickering)

Unless...

(imitating snickering)

What?

We want to invite our friends over

and use your house for a party.

A make-out party.

Uh-huh. Well, I'll tell you what.

If you think we are going to be blackmailed

by a couple of snot-nose

little Peeping Toms, you're crazy.

That's right. You're messing with adults here,

adults that are a lot smarter than you.

Hey, there's someone looking in your window.

(snickering)

Thank you.

"Don't worry, Casey.

"He spends all of his time with Elise.

He'll never even be there."

You know what really helps

in a situation like this, Casey? Sarcasm.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Oh, guys.

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

you got a nasty stink on you.

Oh, great.

Now it's on our clothes.

Roy, if you must know, it's garlic.

Oh...!

Antonio likes to cook when he's depressed.

You know, it's not so much

the cooking that bothers me.

It's not even that he lays around all day

in those ratty pajamas

moaning and wailing and sobbing...

And rocking and whimpering and blubbering.

It's not even the thumb sucking or...

the drooling

or the self-mutilation.

It's the singing.

Oh, that same stupid song, over and over again.

Their song.

"Cherish."

Oh, I like that song.

Cherish is the word

I use to describe...

All the feelings that I have

Hiding here for you

Inside.

Hey.

That sounded good.

Yeah, we should sing a duet down at the V.A. hall

on karaoke night.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Just what those veterans need...

more pain in their lives.

BRIAN: Ahh!

Well, look who's here.

You got out of your jammies, buddy.

Well...

you know, you...

you got to make an effort.

(sobbing)

Oh, well, good for you.

Glad to see you're back on your feet.

Okay. Okay.

That's enough self-pity.

(snorting)

I'm going to make it up to you.

I'm cooking dinner.

Um, actually, Antonio, I can't

because I've got a date tonight.

Uh...

Really? I got a date, too.

Huh.

Oh. I see.

You both have dates.

Okay, so we're five for dinner.

Uh, look, Antonio.

Could I just explain this to you?

I haven't had a date in a really long time--

in a really...

really long time.

So... tonight...

please, I beg you, stay quietly in your room.

Even if you hear me scream...

...don't come out.

You have got such a cute place, Brian.

Ahh, it's a lot cuter since you got here.

If you didn't have such a great smile,

that would be really cornball.

You know, Rhonda, if everything goes well,

we'll have a great story to tell our grandkids.

"When I first laid eyes on your grandma,

"she was trying to stuff a coffee cake

into her purse without paying for it."

Will you stop?

I just bent down to pick up my keys.

I was going to pay for it.

Sure. Sure. (doorbell chimes)

(shrieking): That's for me!

(clearing throat)

Hi, Tom. I thought I heard the bell.

Won't you come in?

Thank you, Casey.

Um, this is my roommate Brian

and his date Rhonda.

Hi, how are you? Hey.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

I brought a little housewarming gift.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Would you guys like to join us for a drink?

Uh, sure.

Okay. Brian,

would you please do the honors?

I got to go finish getting ready.

I don't think you could look any prettier.

Hold that thought.

I'll be right back.

Uh, well, uh, I'll go crack this baby open.

Rhonda, why don't you tell Tom the story of how we met, huh?

It's really pretty funny.

I've never done this before

but I was about to steal this coffee cake

and I was bending over...

Sorry, I...

I didn't think there was anyone still here.

Hi, there.

You must be Casey's other roommate.

No, no, no, no, I don't exist.

I'm not here.

Just came to get the TV Guide.

There's a good movie on tonight--

Shattered, Fatal, Broken Promises.

Oh, here it is.

Hey, I've got to get this one.

Look. "Classic shows we all cherish."

(voice breaking): Cherish.

Something wrong?

(falsetto): No.

No.

Are you sure?

Would you like to talk about it?

Can't.

Well, it's okay.

You don't really have to talk about it.

My girlfriend dumped me!

(sobbing)

Oh, no. You poor man.

Hey...

Hey, we've all been there.

In fact, it just happened to me three months ago,

right... out of the blue.

You have to give yourself time.

Yeah, I'm still not over my old girlfriend.

We went out for six years.

I try dating other women,

but it-it's just pointless.

Oh, what's the use?

I'm not ready.

I'm just not ready.

Okay, Tom, I'm ready.

I can't.

It's just...

too soon.

I'm-I'm sorry, Casey.

Wait, where are you going?

What about our date?

(growling): What did you say to him?!

Okay, here we go, everybo...

Antonio.

What the hell are you doing out?

Don't talk to him that way.

Can't you see, he's hurting.

It's okay. I'm used to it.

But you're supposed to stay in your room.

How did you move that bookcase?

I don't believe this.

You barricaded him in his room?

Yeah, well, I've got just cause.

He stinks up the joint, he whines all the time

and he's a huge pain in the ass.

Come on, Rhonda, let's get out of here, okay?

I'm not going anywhere with you,

you insensitive creep.

Are you going to be okay?

Call me in a day or two.

Wait. Wait, Rhonda.

Rhonda, please.

Uhh... Rhonda, Rhonda, wait.

What just happened here?

I'll tell you what happened.

I said, "Get a dead bolt."

You said, "He'll never be able to get past that bookcase."

That's what happened.

Hey. Hey, listen, uh...

I'm sorry about your evening.

Yeah, right. Okay.

Come on, Casey, let's go.

No, listen. Listen, um...

if you feel that I'm to blame for this,

maybe I should be the one to go.

No, really.

Maybe I should just pack up my things and move.

Seriously.

Maybe I should just clear out of here

and look for someplace else to live.

Fine, you've said enough. I'm out of here.

Roy, have you seen Antonio?

He took off last night

and we haven't heard from him since.

Last night, huh?

Do you know there was some pounding on my door.

And some crying, and some moaning,

and I heard a voice begging, "Please, please, let me in.

"I'm desperate.

I have no where to go."

Hmm. I figured it was the wind.

I went back to sleep.

Hi, Brian.

Hi, Casey.

Antonio!

We are so sorry.

Ah, please.

I should be thanking you.

Thanking us?

After I left last night, I drove around for awhile

and I ended up at an all-night diner

and who should I run into?

Elise.

We talked for hours,

then we went back to her place.

If you two hadn't been so mean to me

and kicked me out,

Elise and I never would have gotten back together.

So, thank you.

Listen, you don't have to thank us.

We only want what's best for you.

Oh, yeah-- just one more thing.

Elise and I have decided to move in together

so you'll have to find another roommate.

Oh, and by the way-- the microwave? Keep it.

Cherish is the word I use to describe...

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I give up.

We've been interviewing people for what--

three days?

We are never going to find a roommate in time.

Face it. This is hopeless.

(Brian groaning, doorbell rings)

Ahh! Break over.

Let the sideshow continue.

Casey, who's next?

(imitating Robin Leach): Is it Gorgo, the dog-faced boy?

(sighing)

Hi. I'm here about the room.

Hi. Well, come on in.

I'm Casey.

This is Brian.

Matthew Evans.

Wow. This place is great.

BRIAN: Thanks, uh, listen.

Just a few questions.

Are you currently employed, can you give us references

and do you have a steady girlfriend

where you can spend all your time?

(chuckling): Well, okay.

Uh, I have a steady job,

I can send you references, and right now

I'm between girlfriends.

When can you move in?

Uh, as soon as possible.

I'm staying at this awful motel

down at the wharf-- the Just Washed Inn.

Oh, no. That place is horrible.

Oh, please.

That's why I'm willing to pay whatever you want

to get out of that place.

When can you move in?

(doorbell rings)

Uh, excuse me.

Uh!

Hi, Brian, I just came to pick up a few things.

Oh, sorry. I didn't know you had company.

No, that's fine, that's fine, that's fine.

Antonio,

this is Matt Evans.

He's here about renting the room.

Oh. Oh, well, it's a great room.

I'm sure you'll love it.

Excuse me.

So, Matt, how about a tour, huh?

You know, I think I know that guy.

Yeah, he's staying at the Just Washed Inn.

Who, Antonio? No, no, no.

He lives with his girlfriend.

I-I'm sure of it.

He's across the hall from me.

Yeah. All night long, I hear this wailing and weeping.

And, oh, the cooking smells-- my God.

Sometimes my eyes literally water.

Brian, do you know what this means?

Antonio made that whole story up.

He's not back with Elise.

No, no. No, no, no, no. He didn't make anything up.

He's living with Elise.

They're happy. They're solid.

Those two kids are going to make it.

He's obviously confusing him with someone else.

And this stupid song he keeps singing

over and over again...

"Cherish."

Hey, Matt, why don't you take a look at the bedroom.

Yeah, sure. Right around there.

By the way, I've got season tickets to the Celtics,

so anytime you guys want to go, let me know.

(inhaling deeply)

Oh, I like him, Casey.

I like him so much.

Yeah, well, so do I, but we can't let Antonio

go back to the Just Washed Inn.

I guess that's everything, so I got to be going.

See you.

No, Antonio, um, look, um,

we were wondering if you could maybe

move back and live here with us again.

What?

Uh, no, I'm sorry.

Elise and I are doing very well.

Thank you.

Well, that's that, then. So long.

No, uh, please, Antonio.

I mean, um...

I know that we don't deserve it,

but you'd be doing us a huge favor.

We just can't find anyone suitable to live with us.

Do you guys mind if I paid you six months rent in advance?

(whimpering)

Um, Matt... Matt, um, I really don't think

this is going to work out after all.

But, what? I thought that...

Please.

Just go.

Could I possibly change your mind

if I paid you an extra 100 bucks a month?

Oh...

(whimpering)

I'm sorry, Matt.

I see what you mean.

Lot of losers out there.

(sobbing)

Hey, hey, it's okay, bro.

Of course I'll stay. Of course.

You know, I...

tell you the truth,

I think I can do better than Elise.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again,

women come and go,

but friends are the things we must always cherish.

Cherish is the word I use to describe...

Come on, Casey.

All the feelings that I have

Hiding here for you inside

ALL: I don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you...

Hey, look. There's a new Nantucket website.

Pull it up.

Let's see what we got.

Look. Oh, look at that.

There... There are nude people on here.

Oh, my God. It's...

(gasps)

Well, them sure are some clean rain gutters.