Original subtitles

Casey...

guess what happened this morning.

Go ahead. Guess.

Something great?

Something really great.

One of my regulars, Mr. Allison, gave me

a pair of third row tickets

to the hottest musical on Broadway.

Cats!

You really don't get out much, do you?

You got tickets

to the hottest musical on Broadway?

You got tickets to Rent?

Yep!

How's it feel to be less hip than Roy?

Really bad.

Chappel, I envy you.

I am dying to see that show.

Why don't any of my regulars ever give me anything?

Hey-- you. You've flown this airline before.

Give me something.

Coffee, Helen.

Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Make that... Fresca.

Fresca?

You never order Fresca.

Exactly.

Number 81 on my list:

"Try Fresca."

Are you all right, Antonio?

You look a little weird... er.

Well...

I wasn't going to say anything

but yesterday I had a brush with death.

I was passing by the video store,

and I thought, "Hmm, I wonder if the new Jackie Chan is in."

I went inside and just then, a car jumps the curb

right where I had been standing.

If I wasn't such a big Chan fan, I'd be dead.

And you two would be weeping right now--

weeping at my funeral.

Actually, she'd be weeping.

I've got tickets to Rent.

Anyway, I made a list

of all the things I've never done

that I want to do before I die.

And Fresca made the cut?

It feels wonderful to... to stop putting things off

and just... just go for it.

Okay. Tried it.

For instance, I realized

I've never told certain people

how much they meant to me

so last night, I just picked up the phone.

You wouldn't believe the response I got.

If you ever call me

at 2:00 a.m. again,

I will kill you.

Then... I will hurt you.

He won't admit it but, uh... I touched him.

Hey! Guess where we're going tonight?

Whoa...

Joe...

what did I tell you

about going out for shooters with Fay?

No, no, Helen, I was driving to work this morning

and I suddenly got really dizzy,

so I stopped by Dr. Grant's and it turns out

I've got an inner ear infection.

My equilibrium is completely messed up.

Oh, honey.

Well, he's a terrific doctor.

Just do everything he says and you'll be better in no time.

He says I can't fly for three days.

Oh, what does that quack know?

You have to fly. We're going to New York tonight to see Rent.

We are?

Yeah, one of my customers gave us free tickets.

Wow, that's supposed to be a great show.

I don't feel sick.

I guess I'll be okay.

That's the spirit.

See that? You got right back up.

I guess we can go some other time.

Sure we can.

Oh, that's not what you're supposed to say.

When I say, "We can go some other time,"

you're supposed to say, "No, honey, I'll be fine.

You go with someone else."

Helen, I told you...

you have to give me a signal when you speak in code.

Let's see, who am I going to take?

Casey's got to work.

Fay has already seen it.

(over P.A.): I want to go, I want to go, I want to go, please!

Brian.

Brian, tell me you're not doing anything tonight.

Well, I had a date, but...

something happened in front of a video store so...

I'm free.

Great! We are going to New York.

I've got tickets to see Rent.

Rent! Wait, I've heard of that.

That's like a musical, isn't it?

Yeah, only the hottest one on Broadway.

Isn't it exciting?

No. I hate musicals.

Except for Cats.

I love Cats.

Why don't you take Joe?

Oh, he's sick.

(mock crying): Wha-wha-wha.

Come on, I don't have anyone else to go with.

(over P.A.): Take me, take me, take me, please.

Brian, we never hang out,

you know, just you and me, since Joe and I got married.

It'll be a chance for us to spend some time together

and the whole evening's on me.

What do you say?

Any nudity?

I guess I could wear that sheer blouse...

Not you. I'm talking about the musical.

If I have to watch people sing,

I at least want to watch them sing naked.

Well, I don't know if there's any nudity,

but it is New York

so I'm sure there's nudity close by.

Oh... all right.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

I don't have a good feeling about this.

Nobody's nude in any of these posters.

WOMAN: Next.

Can I help you?

Hi. Yes.

You're holding tickets for me under the name "Allison."

Here they are-- two for Allison.

Some I.D., please.

Oh, certainly.

Is the show as good as they say it is?

You'll be transported.

This says Helen Hackett.

Yes. That's me...

these tickets are for William Allison.

He gave them to me.

It was a credit card purchase.

I can only release them to the proper holdee.

The holdee?

The holdee gave them to me

so I'm the holdee, so please give me my tickets.

You don't have any tickets. Next!

(bell dings) Oh...

Look, it's about to start.

How about I just pay for them?

They're already paid for.

Next!

Would you please quit saying "Next."

There's nobody standing behind me.

Oh. So there isn't.

No...! wait!

Nothing like the taste of a New York street dog.

Two, three days in that water really seals in the flavor.

Brian, they won't release the tickets,

and it's all sold out.

Hmm. Well...

there's a place across the street, Knobs.

They got a show every 20 minutes.

I can't believe this is happening.

I wanted to see Rent.

All right, all right, don't get so upset now.

Was the rigatoni not out of this world?

Didn't I tell you that chef was a culinary genius?

Come with me, come with me.

Why? Now just get in there.

BRIAN: So I says to him, I says, "Darling,

better you should leave him now while you still got your looks."

Well... the evening doesn't have to be a total loss.

We can still catch the 8:20 at Knobs.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Joe.

Antonio, what are you doing here?

I remembered Helen was going to be away tonight,

and it suddenly hit me-- number 57 on my list:

"Get closer to my friend Joe."

Wow. That's going to be easier than I thought.

No, no... you don't understand.

I have this crazy inner ear thing and my equilibrium...

No, no. I understand.

You're uncomfortable with intimacy. Yeah...

Now, before that car nearly flattened me,

I was, too, but not anymore

and I'm not leaving here until I can put

a great big check mark next to number 57.

Okay, okay, but only for a few minutes

and no touchy-feely stuff.

Verbal closeness only.

Okay, tell me everything.

How you feel... your hopes, your dreams, your fears...

Tired. Hungry. Winning the lottery. Snakes.

There, now you know more about me than Helen.

I-I see this is going to be tough for you.

So, uh... I'll get the intimacy ball rolling.

Let me tell you about my first time.

I was 14... she was 61.

Okay, that's it.

When she led me to her room,

I couldn't help but notice how her teeth

glistened in the moonlight--

in the glass on her nightstand. Oh!

Wait! I'm not finished. Yes, you are.

No, no, no, no. That's what I said to her.

"Wait! I'm not finished!"

It's all part of the... oh, my God.

Ow. Oh, my God, Joe.

My back, my back. I can't move.

Okay, here. I'm here.

I'm here. Don't worry.

Let me help you.

Oh, come on.

Let's get you comfortable.

Here.

(groaning)

Okay.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

She took me by the hand.

She led me to the bed.

I will never forget how... how aroused I was

at the sight of her... her flaming red hair...

...across the room on that wig stand.

It's not fair.

We came all the way to New York for nothing.

Come on, Helen.

It's you and me, you know, just like the old days.

I thought that's what you wanted.

No. I wanted to see Rent.

I just said all that other stuff so you'd come.

I know. I only came because you were paying.

But you know what?

I'm glad I did.

I tell you what...

why don't we go and have a little dinner

and walk around the city, and it'll be fun.

You think?

Tonight there's not another person

in the world I'd rather be with than you.

Excuse me.

Well, hello there.

My kitty

knocked my shoe off the window sill

and I'd come get it

but I just got out of a hot bath

and as you can see, I've hardly got a stitch on.

Sorry, but we're....

On my way!

Hey, hey.... you're just going to leave me out here?

It's two lousy minutes.

Have you no compassion?

The naked woman has no shoe.

MAN: Okay, everybody, here we go.

Keep your eye on the red queen.

Just follow the red lady.

Point to the honey, double your money.

No!

No, it's not that one.

Well, you're pretty good,

pretty lady.

Want to try your luck?

Me? Uh, no. No, I'm just...

Oh, what the hell. Deal 'em up, baby.

Oh, no. All I have is a hundred.

I've got change.

Um, I'm going to bet 20.

Keep your eye on the red queen.

Just follow the red lady.

Point to the honey, double your money.

(yelling): I won! I won!

I won.

Uh, aren't we forgetting something?

That's better.

Hey, Brian... Brian, I won.

I won. I won.

I... what's wrong with you?

I saw things...

What things?

Bad things.

It was like Roy's basement, only... there were more jars.

Serves you right for ditching me.

You should have played three-card monte like I did.

Three-card monte?

That's right.

I played, and I won.

I've always been really lucky at cards.

Oh, yeah.

Oh... you've been lucky, all right.

Hey, since when

did they start putting Barney Rubble on 20s?

Hey, this money isn't real.

Hey, you got these mean streets wired, sister.

Well, he's not getting away with this.

Hey...

He's gone.

You're kidding.

These crooks today!

What are we going to do-- that was all the money I brought.

All right, all right, don't panic.

Ah, how about we use your credit cards?

I didn't bring them

because I didn't want to risk them getting stolen.

Uh-huh. There's them street smarts again. Good.

Hey, I got a crazy idea.

Why don't we use some of your cash.

What cash?

I don't have any cash on me.

Tonight was supposed to be on you.

Here, look. What do I got?

Huh? I got 39 cents...

and something from that girl's apartment.

Look, there's a phone.

We'll just call Joe

and have him wire us some money.

Oh, he's so lucky he's at home relaxing tonight.

What I wouldn't give to switch places with him.

Well, of course, the minute the doctor told me

it could be a threat to her health,

we had to stop doing it.

Stop!

Stop telling me these stories.

(groaning)

See? See, you've hurt yourself again.

Now, the doctor feels, and I concur,

that if you want to get rid of these spasms,

you need to relax.

(phone ringing)

That means no distractions,

no intrusions, and no phone calls.

Did he say anything

about obnoxious, bizarre, psychotic visitors?

Don't worry, none of those are getting past me.

Thank you, operator.

Oh, Joe must have unplugged the phone

so he wouldn't be disturbed.

Wait till I get home.

I'm going to disturb him good.

This is ridiculous.

All we need is a little money

to take the subway to the airport, that's all.

Oh, wait, wait, I got it, I got it.

Excuse me, sir.

My sister and I are stranded and...

Hi. We're from Ohio.

My wife hasn't eaten in a week...

Hey, Mac, this hooker just ripped me off.

Brian...

Hey, at least she's got a freakin' job!

Ya bum!

Now what?

I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm hungry...

(distant thunder rumbling)

And now I'm wet.

God, this is all your fault!

What? The rain is my fault?

Why is the rain my fault?

Oh, don't pull that innocent act on me.

You know what you did!

Brian, you dragged me through that big puddle.

Didn't you hear me saying, "Let go of my hand."

Well, I thought you were saying "ham."

"Let go of my ham."

Oh, right.

That ham I've been carrying around all night.

Hey, hey, hey, $20 apiece.

Aw... $20 just to get in?

It's a cover charge.

Unless you're entering the talent contest.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

We're here for the talent contest.

That's why were here, because we got... talent.

Okay.

Good luck.

Are you crazy?

Now we're going to have to perform.

So what?

We'll go on last, we'll sing "Muskrat Love"

and we'll lose.

Meanwhile, it's dry in here.

Oh, hello.

Yeah... now there's some real talent.

Brian, this is a drag club.

What the heck are you talking about?

Why would all these women be at a drag club?

Oh.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Wait a second, wait a second, Helen.

Look-- first prize is 250 bucks.

With that we could pay our way out of New York.

Did you read the sign, Brian?

$250 For the best drag queen.

Do you really think we could be able

to pass you off as a woman?

No, but we just might be able

to pass you off as one.

Good evening, and welcome to Drag Queen for a Day night.

I'm Bella DeBall,

your hostess for our little star search

which each week asks the musical question,

"Dear God, how much longer is this damn show?"

(laughing)

Forget it, Brian. The answer's no.

Helen, Helen, Helen, do you want to sleep in an alley tonight?

This is our only shot. I know, but I can't.

Of course you can. It's in the bag.

Who here is going to be a better woman than you?

Maybe he won't enter.

Okay, talent, this is your last chance

to enter the contest.

Speak now or forever hold your hairpiece.

Course, if they find out that you're really a woman,

it's all over, so remember, you're a woman

pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman.

Okay?

Bella, over here!

Woman, man, woman. Shh.

Well, hey there.

I don't think I've seen you in here before.

Oh, well, no.

(lowering voice): Uh, no.

Uh, it's my first time.

Oh, well don't worry, honey, you'll do fine.

Name.

Uh, He...

Henry.

Henry is her name.

Henry... Henry.

Is my name. Call me Hank.

(deep laughter)

I meant your drag name.

My drag name?

My drag name...

is Helen.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

"Helen" says all the wrong things--

cashier, file clerk, soccer mom.

What it doesn't say is "magic".

We can help it along.

Now what are you going to wear?

Well, well, does this say anything?

Yeah, but let's not listen to it.

I might have

a little something in back that could work.

Well, um, I don't know.

Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.

(gasps): No, doll. (snaps fingers)

You can't quit before you start.

You know, it's all just attitude.

It's attitude, shoulders

and a big finish.

Now you come with me.

Ms. Bella's going to turn you into a diva.

You won't have to pay for it here, pal.

This place is babe city.

(laughing)

No, I've really opened up about myself tonight

and I think it's time you shared

some stories about your personal life.

But I don't have those kinds of stories.

I never dated my grandmother's friend,

I never made love on a gurney

and no part of me has ever swelled up to twice its size.

In other words, I'm normal.

No... no.

What you are...

is blocked!

And I'm not moving...

till I hear some stories!

But I don't have...

You know what, Antonio?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am a little blocked.

Why don't you, um...

why don't you please go to the kitchen

and make us up some hot cocoa

and I'll try to dig a little deeper.

Back in a jiff.

(grunts)

That's very bad...

for your back, Mr. Man.

I-I was just... I-I was...

Someone might try to call,

and I...

(screaming)

Wow.

I mean, I know from beautiful women,

and you are just...

Really?

Well, your friend's up next.

Do you think he has a chance?

Who knows? I did what I could, but there's only so much

raw material there to work with.

Now, you, you're a natural.

You've got great bone structure.

Me?

Come on.

Yeah.

And shoulders for days.

You I could make a star. We should talk.

All right, everyone,

let's put those big telltale hands together

for our last entry, the fabulous Miss Helena Handbasket.

(hooting)

(piano flourish)

(lip-synching): At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And so you're back

Attitude and shoulders.

Yeah, attitude and shoulders.

I just walked in to find you here

With that sad look upon your face

I should've changed that stupid lock

I should've made you leave your key

If I'd have known for just one second

You'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go

Walk out the door

Just turn around now

'Cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one

Who tried to hurt me with good-bye

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I

I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love

I know I'm still alive

I've got all my life to live

And I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive

I will survive

Hey, hey.

(music stops)

(howling) Miss Thang! Yes!

At last the time has come to cast your vote.

Who will be our drag queen for a day?

Will it be Miss Eva Destruction?

(applause)

Will it be Miss Helena Handbasket?

(applause)

Or will it be

Miss Ginger Vitis?

(enthusiastic applause)

Well, it's a no-brainer

which is a good thing

because so is Miss Ginger.

Man... can you believe it?

Miss Ginger Vitis beat me

with that tired old "New York, New York."

I mean, Liza? Please-- that's groundbreaking.

Hold on there, Miss Runner-up.

Don't forget your consolation prize.

Ooh, consolation prize!

Two tickets to the hottest musical on Broadway.

Rent!

All right, all right.

Now we can sell these tickets and get on home.

Are you kidding? I am not leaving New York

without seeing Rent.

You need money? Honey, you start spreading the news.