Original subtitles

Okay, let's see.

Worst Valentine's Day ever--

1976-- wife just dumped me

dinner with Mom at the home,

bad Swedish meatball,

rushed to the emergency room,

orderly stole my wallet-- beat that.

Please.

You forget who you're talking to.

Okay, um...

(knuckles crack)

By myself, natch.

Bawling my eyes out-- a given.

Shivering in the bushes outside of the house

of the only woman I ever loved,

watching her being proposed to by another man

while a raccoon relieves himself on my shoe.

(hisses)

I should have known better.

So what are you planning this year?

That is what I'm planning this year.

Excuse me, Roy.

I know this is last minute

but do you have any valentine plans?

Oh, wow.

That blows me right out of the water.

Ah, Cochran, Cochran.

I'm flattered, but we've been

working together a long time.

If it was going to happen, it would have happened.

Oh, no, no, Roy.

There's a flea market in hangar four.

I want you to help me sell all the old stuff

that belonged to my three late husbands.

That's a nice cover, Cochran, but forget it.

However, feel free to get your jollies as I walk away.

What about you, Antonio?

You interested?

You're finally getting rid of all of your husband's things?

Well, it's just sitting there

in my spare bedroom collecting dust.

Somebody might as well get some use out of it

And if I can turn a fast buck, who gets hurt?

Uh, I don't know, Fay.

Something doesn't feel right about this.

I don't know what it is.

I'll give you ten percent of the take.

That's what it is.

BRIAN: Ooh, hey.

A dozen red roses--

very nice.

Who are you going to give them to?

No, I'm not giving.

I'm receiving.

It seems I have a secret admirer.

(chuckles)

Who?

Well, if I knew, it wouldn't be a secret.

Oh, I get it--

a self-send, huh?

I... I have no idea what you're talking about.

Come on, Casey.

It's almost Valentine's Day.

I haven't seen a man within a hundred yards of you

for a year and suddenly you get roses?

Come on. Admit it--

you popped for the posies, didn't you?

Well, it fooled Roy.

Besides, who are you to judge me?

You're alone, too.

At least I don't parade my Valentine's misery

in front of others.

I have the self-respect

to hide in my room,

weeping in my torn underwear,

eating can after can of Dinty Moore beef stew.

Why is it so hard for us to meet people?

I don't know-- because we're single.

People usually find you more attractive

if they know you're with somebody.

Wait a minute.

Brian, how would you like

to have Valentine's dinner with me?

Look, Casey, uh...

I haven't had a lot of sex myself

and if you're going to be my only option

then I'd rather do a self-send.

First of all...

don't you get it?

Okay, us being seen together in public

will create the illusion that we're desirable.

That's not bad.

So, in other words, we wouldn't actually be together,

we'd just be using each other as bait.

Exactly.

What do you think?

Eh... what the hell?

If things don't work out, I've always got sterno

and a six-pack of stew waiting for me at home.

You're on.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

So what do you have planned for us

for Valentine's Day?

I thought we'd eat dinner at home

and maybe watch a little TV.

Well, how is that different from any other night?

All right, I'll throw in a piece of chocolate.

What? Come on, you said you didn't want to do

anything special for Valentine's Day.

And you didn't know what that meant?

Oh, no.

We're not into one of those.

I said I didn't want to do anything for Valentine's Day,

that meant that you were supposed to surprise me

and do something special.

Hold on, hold on-- for New Year's Eve, you said

you didn't want to do anything special. That's right. I did.

And we didn't do anything special. No, we didn't.

And you were happy. I was thrilled.

But now you say you don't want to do anything special;

we're not doing anything special and you're not happy.

Exactly.

See, New Year's Eve is an "everybody" holiday.

Valentine's Day is an "us" holiday.

Did you hear the part about the chocolate?

(sighs)

Forget it, Joe.

Whatever you want to do is fine.

Now, what is that supposed to mean?

It means dinner, Seinfeld, and a Chunky bar.

Come on, Helen.

Everybody knows that guys don't make as big a deal

out of Valentine's Day as girls do.

Excuse me.

I understand you all fly charters.

Uh, yes, we do.

Great.

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I need you to fly

over the diner where my girlfriend works

with a banner that reads:

"Nancy, I love you. Will you marry me?"

Did you hear that, Joe?

Now, here is a guy

that knows what romance is all about.

It's 250 for the flight, another 75 for the banner

cash up-front.

We got to be back by 6:00 to go out to dinner.

This one wants a surprise.

Oh, I can't believe how you cleaned up

at that flea market.

Oh, I know!

If I knew what a gold mine I was sitting on

I would have unloaded the Georges' junk years ago.

ROY: Hey.

Cochran, I don't know whatever possessed you

to part with a treasure like this.

Well, if you must know, I backed into it last week

and I don't intend to make that mistake twice.

Uh, by the way,

what exactly are you going to do with it?

It's a Valentine's gift for mom.

It's just the thing to complete her trophy wall.

True, she didn't hit it with the Chrysler,

like all those other animals,

but I'll just

slap some skidmarks on it.

She'll never know the difference.

(faint scratch)

Quite a bundle you got there, Fay.

(gasping)

Who's there?

George.

Is that you?

George, what are you doing here?

I'm your husband.

Where else should I be?

In the ground, where I put you

in 1959.

What do you want?

At the moment, an ashtray.

Where's the one I got when we went to Niagara Falls?

Oh, no.

This can't be happening.

This is all in my imagination.

Fay, dear, have you seen my tweed hat?

George!

Not you, too?!

Who's this bozo?

I happen to be her second husband, George.

Oh, that's it.

No more bacon cheeseburgers after 10:00.

Now, I need a glass of water.

When I come back, you're both going to be gone.

Faysie!

Oh, George!

Who's Disco Duck?

Thank God I died before that came into fashion.

Anyway, what do you want from me?

What are you doing here?

I think you know why we're here, Fay.

No, I don't.

You shouldn't have done it, Fay.

Done what?

Shouldn't have sold our stuff.

You hurt us.

Don't we mean anything to you?

Oh, of course you do.

You three mean the world to me.

I would never do anything to hurt you.

Well, there's only one way you can prove it.

How?

Get our stuff back.

That's impossible.

It would take forever.

Hey, we're dead.

We've got forever.

Brian, I've been looking for you.

So, have you given

any thought to our Valentine's date?

As a matter of fact, I have.

I thought we might start out

with a couple of burgers from the club car, followed by...

nothing.

The club car?

The whole point of this little charade

is that we go to the kind

of a place where we'll meet somebody

we'd actually want to be with.

That's why we're not going to the club car,

we're going to Lexington's and you are wearing a suit.

All right, okay, all right.

I'll give you Lexington's, okay?

But I'm wearing a sports coat and jeans

and you're paying.

Okay on the wardrobe, but we go dutch

and you pick up parking.

And for once in your life,

could you try and just show a little class?

Oh, sure. Okay, fine.

This from the woman who, just last week,

was waving in the tuna boats with her hankie.

Hey, some of those fishermen make a very good living.

Antonio, I need your help.

All that stuff I sold yesterday?

We've got to track it down and get it back.

Get it back? Why?

Why? Never mind why.

We just have to get it back

starting with what you bought.

Oh, okay.

You can have the foot powders and the bath salts

but you're not getting your hands on those ointments.

The itching finally stopped.

Fine. Fine. Keep it.

Just help me get the rest of the stuff.

I'll pay you 50 bucks.

All right, I'm in.

But how are we even going to find all this stuff?

I already posted flyers all over town

and put an ad in the newspaper.

Here's a list of all the buyers

whose names I could remember.

Roy, I'll need the marlin back.

Oh, forget it, Cochran.

Mom loves that fish.

It would break her heart to part with it.

I'll give you

a hundred bucks.

Deal. But I am not going to pry it

out of her bony little hands. Uh-uh.

Okay, Antonio, that's your first stop.

Hey, uh, little tip, Scarpacci:

Try not to confuse the marlin with Mom's roommate.

They're both blue and scaly, but the fish occasionally moves.

Okay, Mr. Greaney, we flew that banner over the diner three times.

Any more, it'll run you extra.

I don't care about costs.

I want to see that look on my Nancy's face.

I bet she's looking up at the banner right now.

"Will you marry me?"

Her heart must be racing.

I know mine would.

I'd just die

if anybody did something this romantic for me.

Well, let's just hope

she's made of stronger stuff than you are.

He's not like us.

He's not a Valentine's person.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I was going to save this for the right time, but...

here's your Chunky.

I can't take this.

This waiting is killing me.

I want to hear her answer, too.

Joe, let's call her.

Here-Here-Here's her, uh, number.

You're kidding me--

Oh... all right.

Logan, this is Nevada 1-2-1 Papa Papa.

I need you to make a call for me

and patch it through to the plane. Over.

Now don't you worry, Russell, in a few minutes,

you two are gonna be planning your wedding.

You know, I've got it all planned.

We'll say our vows on a cliff overlooking the ocean at sunset

and when we kiss, they'll release a hundred white doves.

A hundred white doves...

that's the most beautiful thing.

Did you hear that, Joe?

Do you think you'd ever do something that romantic for me?

Doves? You want doves?

You finish that Chunky first, then we'll talk doves.

MAN (over radio): Nevada 1-2-1 Papa Papa, this is Logan.

I've got your call. Go ahead.

There's the lucky girl.

NANCY: Hello?

Yeah, uh, Nancy, darling, did you look outside?

What?

Up in the sky! The banner, the banner!

Sorry.

Banner? Hang on a second.

"Nancy, will you marry me?"

Oh, my God!

Well, so, uh... what do you say, sweetheart?

Will you be mine?

Who the hell is this?

It's Russell, you silly.

Who?

Russell. Greaney...

You know, from the diner?

Oh, God! The-The creepy guy who sits in the corner all day,

staring at me?

Yes!

Well, so what do you say, muffin?

Listen, freak-boy, I'm warning you--

stop bothering me.

If you ever come near me again, I'll call the cops.

Well... clearly nobody explained to her

just how romantic that was.

Wow... you got that away from Mom.

How the hell did you do that?

It was easy.

I just reasoned with her...

and when that didn't work, I cut off her oxygen.

Mom must be slowing down.

It used to take that and a headlock.

Okay, here's your stinking fish.

Okay... all right, that makes eight items back.

Only 103 to go.

(sighing)

Fay, what-what's going on?

Why is it so important you get all this stuff back?

All right, I'll tell you.

Ever since I sold my husband's stuff,

I can't stop thinking about them.

Oh, that's... that's understandable.

I'm racked with guilt.

It's just eating me up that I sold all their things.

It's perfectly normal.

Yes, and then last night,

they came into my bedroom

and said they wanted everything back.

You are one buggy broad.

How... How could this happen?

How... How could she say no?

Nancy...!

I'll bet that Chunky's looking pretty good right about now,

huh, Helen?

She rejected me!

Well, now, technically, she didn't reject you

because, technically, she doesn't even know you.

Yeah, but that's what makes it so romantic.

Isn't it, Helen?

Isn't it romantic?

Isn't it romantic?

No, no, it's hopeless.

I mean, Nancy is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

Um, listen, Russell.

Nancy's not the only girl out there.

There are plenty of other women

in the world who would...

well, there's plenty of other women in the world.

That's all I know.

I-I don't understand. Now...

am I doing something wrong?

Oh, wow.

Well, nothing that I could see, big guy.

I think we could all take a page

from your book.

Uh, listen, Russell.

It's just that with your relationships with women

you seem to be missing a step

like, um...

well, meeting them.

So, next time you see someone

that you're interested in,

try... I don't know...

talking to her first.

You mean like I'm talking to you now.

Yes, exactly.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

Boy, you're just not getting this, are you, Russ?

But I talked to you, just like you said.

I felt the magic.

Don't tell me you didn't feel it, too.

All right, Russell, that's it.

Look...

you seem like a pretty nice guy,

and obviously, you're quite taken with Helen

but she is my wife.

So before this goes any further, I just want to say...

I'm stepping aside

so you two crazy kids can get married.

RUSSELL: Aw...

Darling.

Excuse me.

Are you the one who put up the flyer

looking for the tweed hat?

Oh, my God!

There it is.

George's hat!

I thought I'd never see it again.

Um, how much do you want for it?

Um...

$2,700.

Do you take terms?

Relax, I'm just teasing.

Boy, you must really want this hat.

Yes, I do. It's very important to me.

It's yours, for nothing.

Oh, thank you.

That's very sweet.

Uh, say,

I don't recall your buying this

at the flea market.

I think I would've remembered you.

My granddaughter bought it for me for my birthday.

She saw it and thought her old grandpa would love it.

Oh.

Oh, I feel terrible taking it from you.

It's not so much the hat.

It's the moment she gave it to me

that I'll always treasure.

You know something?

I want you to keep it.

Fay, what are you doing?

Well, thank you very much.

Be quiet. Leave me alone.

All right. I'll just take my hat and go.

Oh, no, no, no, not you.

Then, um... who?

Fay, while you're screwing around with this joker,

my Sing Along with Mitch albums

are out there somewhere.

Yeah, and what about my hat?

Yeah, and my "Members Only" jacket?

People said I looked like Joey Bishop in it.

We have to talk.

All right.

No, not you.

I have to be alone with my...

thoughts.

Come on.

Oh, uh... not me.

All right, you three.

Now, listen to me.

I've had enough of this.

I'm not getting any more

of your stuff back, and that's that.

I'm tired of feeling

guilty about this.

I didn't do anything wrong.

No, you just sold off everything that reminded you of us

as if we didn't even matter.

I'm not buying into that anymore.

Look...

I don't need stuff to remind me of you.

George, do you really think I need an ashtray

to remember our wonderful, romantic bungalow

in Niagara Falls?

George, just because I don't have an old hat anymore

doesn't mean I wouldn't cherish

all those wonderful nights

we spent in front of the fireplace.

George.

I don't need a big, old smelly fish to...

Well, I just don't need a big old smelly fish.

But I'll always love you.

I'll always love all of you.

But I can't live in the past.

I have to move on.

Please, let me go.

Please try to unders...

Oh, you're still here.

You are talking to me now, right?

Yes.

Um, I'm sorry.

I must've seemed crazy to you.

See, the stuff that I sold

all belonged to my late husbands

and I was having a little... trouble letting it go.

I understand.

You know, the hat looks nice--

very distinguished.

Oh, thank you.

I was wondering...

I know it's Valentine's Day, and you probably have plans...

Well, actually, I'm free now.

Would you like to have a cup of coffee with me?

I'd love to.

Oh.

That's what you're wearing?

What? You agreed to this.

Well, I did my hair, I bought new shoes.

What did you do?

Deodorant?

Thought about shaving.

That will not cut it.

You'll have to change.

Better women than you have told me that

and here I am.

Yeah, well, this is hopeless.

The only thing I'm going to attract

with you around is pity.

All right. Suit yourself.

Oh, uh...

the tuna boat should be rolling in

in about a half an hour.

Better get out your hanky.

Very funny.

Look, Joe, Helen,

I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

I think I'm better now.

Well, we're glad to hear that, Russell.

And you're clear that I am not leaving Joe for you

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever?

Yeah, uh... pretty clear, yeah.

That's close enough there, Russell.

Listen, next time your marriage plans

require air travel,

save your money on the ticket.

Try a self-send.

Uh... excuse me?

Yes?

Um...

I've never done anything like this before, but...

when, when our eyes met, I got to tell you

my heart just...

well, it started to race.

Really?

Uh... would you...

Yes.

Here. Oh.

At last.

A man who understands Valentine's Day.