Original subtitles

( sighing )

Joey...

I cannot thank you again.

Taking me to Vegas for my birthday

is the best gift

I could ever have asked for.

Oh, hey, man, it was my pleasure.

So, uh, how you feeling, anyway?

Uh, well, I reek of smoke.

My head is imploding.

I think I gnawed the end off my finger

at the craps table.

You know, your basic Vegas high.

How 'bout you?

Oh, I had a fantastic time.

I'm telling you, that hotel had the best gym.

I was in there 7:00 a.m. working out.

You should have come with me.

Wow, I would have loved to,

but as luck would have it

I was passed out on the floor.

Really? I didn't see you in the room this morning.

I never made it to the room.

It was in the hallway... of some other hotel.

You know, Brian, I just... I don't get you.

I mean, I take you to Vegas to have a good time

and all you do is drink too much,

chase women and gamble.

What is that?

I don't know. I forgot their slogan--

"Come to Vegas and work out in the hotel gym."

Yeah, well, at least I came out ahead.

Really? You actually won money?

Well, not money per se.

I mean, yeah, I gambled, but when I lost my $50 limit

I paid a little visit to the Chamber of Commerce

and got the free "Fiesta Fun Book,"

a $138 value, my friend.

So right there, I'm up 88 bucks.

Then I even had time for some shopping,

and look what I got for a 75% discount.

I've been wanting one of these.

A makeup case?

It's not a makeup case.

The salesman said it was a man's travel bag.

Then why does it have a lighted mirror?

Because it's the top of the line.

Look. Look at all these cool little compartments

for holding your stuff on an overnight stay.

Sure, your rouge, your lip gloss...

Pardon me.

Aren't you Steve Young the quarterback?

Uh, yes, I am.

I suppose you'd like my autograph.

Uh, well, no.

Actually, you owe us three dollars for the headphones.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

Uh, I'd still love to give you that autograph, though.

Well, thank you, but I'm a Patriots fan.

I think I'm going to catch a few Zs.

Do me a favor.

When they start serving food, wake me, okay?

I'm starving.

Well, that's 'cause you didn't get a discount coupon

for the $1.99 "Little Taste O' Europe" buffet.

I'm telling you, German schnitzel,

Polish sausage, French toast; and get this--

a Bavarian custard mountain shaped like the Matterhorn.

( snoring )

Brian?

( snoring )

Brian?

Huh? What?

You're sleeping with your eyes open?

Trying to.

Oh. Oh, so, man... phew, my stomach.

Wh-what's the Matter-horn?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little indigestion.

No big deal.

I'm not surprised.

All of Europe is at war in your colon.

Look, there was nothing wrong with that buffet.

As a matter of fact, I saw both pilots on the plane

eating there this morning, so I know it's not the food.

If you say so.

(groaning)

On the other hand, maybe we can't rule out the food.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

I just saw the pilot running down the aisle.

Is he all right?

Oh, there's nothing to worry about. He's just fine.

Oh.

Well, who's flying the plane?

Captain Siden--

our very capable and experienced copilot.

Oh.

Who's flying the plane now?

Please relax.

There's absolutely nothing to be concerned about.

Captain Lameiras, are you okay?

Oh, I want to die.

Captain Siden?

Mommy...

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Can anyone here fly a plane?!

Well...

( snorts )

Um... I'm a pilot.

Oh, thank God.

Come with me.

What? What?

You mean... fly this plane?

No, no. This is a seven-something-seven--

you know, a big-boy jet.

You don't understand; you're our only hope.

It's all right,

ladies and gentlemen.

We have another pilot on board.

Him?

That's the clown that was passed out

in my hallway this morning.

We're all going to die!

Hey, what's with the crowd?

Is Big Tammy out there

jogging without her sports bra again?

Hot plate coming through.

Coming through.

Roy, they're all here to welcome back Brian.

After a one-day trip to Las Vegas?

God, these people need lives.

No. Didn't you hear?

Brian's a hero.

The pilots on his plane got sick.

He made an emergency landing.

He saved, like, a hundred lives.

It's been all over the news.

That's right.

I was downtown sitting in a bar... uh, bank...

when all of a sudden he appeared on TV.

I nearly dropped my drink...

I mean, checkbook.

Fay, let me ask you something.

When Brian was being interviewed on TV--

you know, everybody was calling him a hero

and making such a big fuss over him--

didn't he seem kind of sexy?

Oh, I don't know.

I only caught a glimpse of him before one of the...

tellers had to switch back to the fight.

So you say you're a friend of Brian Hackett's?

Friend? Oh, so much more.

We, uh, we recently moved in together, you know?

Really?

Well, congratulations.

You must be very proud.

I am... walking on air.

WOMAN: Oh, look!

There he is! There he is!

Please, really. You really don't have to do this.

Thanks. Brian... Brian, I am so proud of you.

I'm seeing you in a whole new light.

You saved all those people. Thank you.

You're such a hero.

It's like you're this big, famous...

See you back at the house.

Well, uh, thank you for saving our lives.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm Mike Riddley from the Boston Globe.

You were on Flight 28, too?

Oh, yes. That's right.

And I am here to tell you that this man is a hero.

Oh, more than that...

he is an angel.

Hey, hey, I like that-- "the Angel of Flight 28."

Oh, good. Yeah.

You... you... I am going to cook you

such a dinner tonight, mister.

Brian, I just heard the news.

Where's Joe?

He'll be in in a sec.

So while you were flying the plane, what was Joe doing?

Was he comforting the passengers and stuff?

Well, the truth be told?

Mrs. Herbert here is the true hero.

No.

You the man.

No, it was this little lady here

who kicked in the bathroom door

pulled Joe out, carried him to his seat

and strapped him in for the emergency landing.

You... you carried Joe?

Joe had to be carried?

I-I know it's procedure

but I really don't need the wheelchair.

Hi, Helen.

Oh, Joe, look at you.

How you doing?

Better now.

They said it was just a little food poisoning.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, did that little old lady

really carry you to your seat?

I'm not sure.

They say I blacked out.

You fainted and you had to be carried?

Helen, Helen, you should have seen it.

She hauled him around like a sack of manure.

I don't know where she found the strength.

I'm sorry I pulled your hair.

I was just trying to hold on.

That's okay.

Well, good-bye, my angel.

Oh, ma'am, you forgot your vanity...

No. No... no. That's...

That's mine.

Hi.

Hi.

It's too bad you left the house so early this morning.

I was kind of hoping we could...

Yeah, it is too bad.

Well, it's okay.

There's always tonight.

Sure, sure, there's always tonight.

Helen, um, what's wrong?

Nothing.

You're turned off because that old lady

carried me around the plane aren't you?

No.

No, no, no... well, yeah.

Oh, this is ridiculous, Helen.

Come on, you are going to get over this, aren't you?

Oh, sure, yeah.

You know, in time, probably.

Probably? What can I do to help you along?

Throw away the makeup case.

I told you it is not a makeup case.

It's a travel bag.

Oh, why can't you

throw a baggie in a suitcase like a man?

Okay, everybody... everybody step away from the Angel.

All right, all right.

Um, "Somebody up here likes you.

The Angel."

Don't you love the way

he dots the "I" with the little halo?

Brian.

I heard about the mayor's dinner tonight.

You know, if you need a date for the event, or...

you know, after...

Ah, hey, hey, hey... uh-uh.

The Angel don't date townies.

Who are you?

Something I've wanted to be my whole life.

I'm a hanger-on, baby.

And there's only room on these coattails for one,

so beat it.

Whoo!

Oh, I'm telling you, man

this whole "Angel of Flight 28" thing

is spinning out of control.

Now I know how the Beatles felt.

Yeah, it must be hell for you... Ringo.

My agent never leaves me alone-- he calls me night and day.

Agent? What do you need an agent for?

Well, somebody's got to field all those endorsement offers.

When you become a national hero

everybody wants a piece of you.

I've even got this chain of hero sandwich shops

begging me to be their spokesman.

Well, that's just stupid.

Oh, I know. I know.

My agent is pushing me to launch my own brand

of angel food cake

you know, sort of a Paul Newman thing,

only none of the money goes to charity.

ROY: Hackett.

Hackett, come here.

Oh, I am so glad that I caught you.

You know, look, with this whole celebrity deal

you've got to be careful because you know what?

Out there, there's nothing but sharks,

sharks who want to make a buck off you.

Now, you don't want to do anything cheeseball.

Well, thanks. Thanks, Roy, I'll keep that in mind.

Well, what do you say?

How about being the Aeromass Angel?

Roy, you have got to be out of your mind

if you think Brian would promote a competing airline.

Write something up and I'll run it by my guy.

You got it.

Brian, what about Sandpiper?

Hey, Joe, I've seen the books

and the fact is

we can't afford the Angel.

Well, the Angel has the next flight

so why don't you get your butt on the plane, okay?

( phone rings ) Well...

Can you do me a favor and take that flight for me?

I've got way too much on my plate right now.

Talk to me.

All right, Fay,

it looks like I'm taking this one.

Oh, I thought it was Brian's flight.

Yeah, so did I.

Just load them up.

We want the hero guy.

Well, I don't know if that's gonna work.

Yeah, we want the Angel of Flight 28.

Well, I did promise them.

Hey, aren't you the guy in the newspaper?

Yeah, the one who carries a makeup case.

It's a travel bag--

a man's travel bag with man-type stuff in it,

like razors and... bullets and stuff.

Joe, you got to help me out here.

Were you just dead weight

or did you at least help the little old lady

with some body English?

For God's sake, Helen, will you just give it a rest?

I want to but you've got to give me something.

Anything. Just throw me a bone.

This whole thing is crazy.

Have you seen Brian out there?

"The Angel of Flight 28."

Well, he did save all those people, Joe.

Yeah, but that is what is so crazy about it.

I'm the one that always comes through in a crisis,

not Brian.

He's a panicker.

He loses his cool.

Not me. I keep my cool.

Have you ever seen me lose my cool? Have you?

No. You're Joe Cool.

That's right.

That's why it should have been me up there.

I should be the angel.

Good news, Joey, I think I found a way

to get you in the sandwich commercial.

You don't mind wearing a pickle suit, do you?

( rings )

You got the Angel.

Did you hear that, Helen?

A pickle?

I haven't endured enough humiliation.

Now he wants me to be a freaking pickle.

A pickle isn't that bad.

True, it's not one of the luncheon meats,

but it is on the same plate.

Oh, shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Can't you see how unfair this is?

Brian doesn't deserve this as much as I do.

Our whole lives

I have been the responsible one

and Brian has been the screw-up.

Like in the Boy Scouts

I learned all the knots;

Brian glued the ropes together.

In high school

I read the book; he saw the movie.

In college... I went.

I agree with you, Joe.

You have been the one to always come through

but this time it's Brian.

And you can't change that, so you might as well accept it.

This time Brian's the hero.

And me?

What am I?

I'm the pickle.

Tough break, Joey. You can't be the pickle.

They're suiting up the old lady.

My God, Helen!

Your husband is the bravest man alive.

I was crossing the street, not looking,

when all of a sudden out of nowhere,

this car came bearing down on me.

And without a thought for his own safety

Joe leaped in front of me, and pushed me out of the way.

Oh, my gosh! Really?

He saved your life?

Oh, damn, you can always see right through me.

No. He pulled five bucks out of his makeup case

and asked me to lie to you.

Oh, no. Now he's using it as a purse.

Well, Fay, you were lucky this time

but, uh, just remember...

I won't always be around to save your life.

Drop it, Joe. She didn't buy it.

Buy what?

Joe... you don't have to do this.

You don't have to prove anything to me.

You'll always be my hero.

Oh, wow, even I didn't believe that.

Oh, hey, Joey, there you are, eh...?

( clicks tongue )

Got something for you.

"The angel made me do it."

Well, gee, thanks, Brian.

What do I owe you?

Oh, please...

Your money's no good here.

Actually, I got to take off.

I've got a wardrobe fitting.

We're shooting my hero sandwich spot tomorrow.

No. Hold on.

You have a flight to take in about 15 minutes

and I'm getting sick of covering for you.

Yeah. Um, about that

I've been giving it thought, and, uh...

maybe you should start looking for another pilot.

Yeah, right.

No, um... I'm serious.

What the hell are you talking about?

Are you gonna walk out on me?

Keep it down, Joe, I've got an image here.

No. I don't give a damn about your image...

Everything's all right!

You're gonna quit? It's all right!

The Angel is unharmed!

Come on, man.

You can see how busy I am.

Fate tapped me on the shoulder.

I want to dance.

One little thing happens to you,

and you're just going to walk away?

"Little thing"?

Are you forgetting what I did up there?

You're a pilot.

You landed a plane.

Big whoop.

( clears throat )

Look, uh... all this

might be good enough for you

but I've got a shot

at making something of myself.

I'm the "Angel of Flight 28"

and if you can't handle it...

that's your problem.

So listen, I hear you're going to New York today

to shoot that commercial.

Think you can get me on the set?

I'll do anything.

Anything.

( scoffs )

Now, you're hitting on me?

How low can you go?

Hey, did you guys

see the paper this morning?

A cat saved an entire family

from a burning building.

Look.

"Cat nips fire in the bud.

"While her owners slept,

"Lulu, a five-year-old Himalayan

"braved smoke and flames

"nudged the phone off the hook

and speed-dialed 9-1-1 with her little pink nose."

Ah!

ROY: Hey, guys...

turn on the TV.

They're interviewing that fire cat.

I know we wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for Lulu.

And to think, my husband wanted to put her to sleep

just 'cause she clawed up the couch.

Well, you did!

What do you mean, they've pulled the offer?

That's my commercial.

Who could possibly replace me?

What cat?

Ah. Oh, all right.

We just go back to the angel food people, and...

Come on, a cat can't be in two places at once.

N-No, hey, don't-don't hang up! Hel...?

Guys,

you're not going to believe what just happened.

ALL: Shh!

Be quiet!

Lulu's about to do a reenactment.

Could I just have a cup of coffee?

I got to take the next flight out...

and the one after that,

and the one after that.

Why don't you get Brian to take it?

He's in your office.

What are you talking about?

I thought he was in New York doing his big hero commercial.

They dumped him.

They're going with Lulu.

The fire cat?

Well, everyone on the plane was talking about her.

Now, there's a real hero.

Well, furball's going to be on Leno tonight.

So, huh... the Angel has fallen.

Ah, thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where you going?

Oh, it's payback time, baby.

You want to see a real man?

Now is your chance.

First... I'm going to make him cry.

Then, I'm going to beat him up.

Then... I'm going to start in on him... huh.

Replaced by a cat. Ha!

It's all just a little too purr-fect.

Hey, Brian.

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue?

How could they do this to me, Joey?

How could they do this to you?

Oh, where do I begin?

Okay, first of all...

I cannot believe it's over!

I was on top, man.

People were looking up at me with respect.

Everybody loved "the Angel."

Are you done? 'Cause let me tell you some...

I thought my whole life was...

I thought my whole life was changed.

You know, I wasn't "Brian, the goofball" anymore.

I-I actually... I felt good about myself.

Are you finished now? 'Cause let me tell you something...

I wanted this... I just wanted this so much.

I was even willing to throw everything away

that you and I had worked so hard to build.

And... for what?

Look where I am.

Back where I started.

No... worse than that.

I made an ass of myself.

Ah, "the Angel."

What the hell was I thinking?

I'm... I'm nothing.

Now, are you done?

Yes.

Good, 'cause let me tell you something.

You're... you...

You're not "nothing," you're...

you came through when it counted.

Okay?

I mean, yeah,

your fifteen minutes of fame are over

but no one on that flight is ever going to forget

what you did, Brian, including me.

You were a hero, and, um...

no one can ever take that away from you.

Thank you, Joey.

Forget about it.

All right, um... I got to go.

I got to take the next flight.

Oh, that's okay, uh, I-I'll take this one.

Great.

You know what the real tragedy

of this whole thing is?

It's that the youth of America

will never get a chance to play with "the Angel" action figure.

Well, let's just hope that somehow they muddle through.

Let's hope.

Come on, Joe, we've got to get checked in to the hotel by 6:00.

Oh, I am really looking forward to this weekend.

Me, too.

A cabin in Vermont, a big ol' bed,

a roaring fire.

Oh, I am right there with you.

Oh, wait, just let me grab my stuff.

Joe...

What? It's a travel bag!