Original subtitles

He's open...

he's open!

Touchdown!

( doorbell rings )

Hi there.

Dennis Lundy, Domestic Cleaning Consultant.

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman?

I thought you guys went out with hula hoops.

Yeah, we're a dying breed.

I'm a fourth-generation vac man myself.

May I show you my product?

Uh, I really don't need a vacuum.

Well, you do now.

Hey, what, what are you doing?

That's a move Grandpa showed me.

And that got him slugged what percentage of the time?

All right, come on in.

Just clean this mess up

and then, get out of here, okay?

Exactly what I'm planning to do, my friend.

Now, this Hosemaster is an engineering miracle.

This bad boy has got the cleaning power

of three, count them, three, hurricanes.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just clean it up.

Done.

Done?

Wow.

It just sucked it right up.

I didn't even hear you turn it on.

That's the patented "whisper drive."

Care to, uh, take her out for a spin?

Uh, n-no, really, we already have a vacuum cleaner.

But you don't have the Hosemaster

with the unconditional lifetime eternal guarantee.

Listen, I am trying to watch the playoffs.

For the last time, I am not going to buy a vacuum cleaner.

Man, this thing is unbelievable.

They're starting the overtime.

Who cares?

Lift your feet.

Again?

Joe, you vacuumed the whole house last night.

The spores, Helen, the spores.

You've got to get the spores.

Give it a rest, will you?

Okay. All right.

Ah! I love that!

Ooh. This is one kick-ass machine.

Morning, guys.

HELEN: Morning.

Oh, Joe, I'm done with the bathroom

and I spilled some talcum powder on the floor.

Go knock yourself out.

Thanks. I owe you.

HELEN: Joe!

Don't you have an early flight this morning?

Oh, oh, that's right.

Oh, geez, I better put this away.

Uh, no, I'll do it.

Wait. Helen, I don't know.

There are very specific storage procedures.

I know. Don't you remember?

Last night, you popped open a bottle of champagne

and made me watch the instructional video.

Just go ahead. Let's get going.

Okay. Oh, damn.

I didn't realize it was so late.

Yeah, I guess time really flies when you're sucking up dirt.

You know, it really does.

What do you think?

Should we fire it up

and see what the fuss is all about?

Well, why not?

Be a nice change of pace

to see a woman vacuum around here.

Whoo! Boy, this baby's got some ponies under the hood.

(vacuum clanking) That must be the patented "whisper drive!"

Oh, that wasn't in the video.

Hey, Hackett,

do I have any food in my teeth?

Roy, I told you yesterday, yes.

Look, uh, I was wondering if

you could do me a favor.

Just as long as there's no flossing involved.

All right, favor number two.

Uh, my niece, Lydia is coming to the island for a few days...

Yes, I-I see. I see where this is going.

Listen, Roy, uh, I'm sure that any niece of yours

would have to be...

well, there's no other word for it-- dreamy--

but, uh...

it just so happens that I'm going to be busy

for the next, uh, however long she's going to be here.

Relax, Hackett, I was just going to ask you

if you could recommend some fun places we could go.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Uncle Roy.

Hey, Lydia!

( chuckling )

How are you, kiddo?

I'm great now that I'm with my favorite uncle.

Oh, you look terrific.

New hair oil?

You got to stay current.

I-I don't believe this.

Fay, Fay, do you see that beautiful woman over there?

That's Roy's niece.

She's related to Roy?

I know.

What possible side of the family

could she be from?

None. It's got "switched at birth"

written all over it.

Hey there, Roy.

Uh, aren't you going to introduce us?

Oh, yeah, where are my manners?

Uh, Hackett, uh, this is Lydia.

Lydia, this is the guy who was running for cover

when he thought you were an "oogly."

( forced laugh )

Roy, you're such a big funny.

You know, Uncle Roy, I am really looking forward

to us spending the next few days together.

Me, too, honey, and since it's your first night here,

what do you say we pull out all the stops

and go out for Polish.

Mind if I join you?

Well, fine with me,

if it's okay with you, Uncle Roy.

What do you say, Uncle Roy?

Forget it, Hackett.

I haven't seen Lydia in a long time.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

It's on me.

Taste Of Warsaw, 7:00.

Hey. So, how'd it go at the vacuum repair shop?

Can he fix it?

They won't know till they take it apart.

How am I gonna tell Joe?

Oh, well, just look him straight in the eye

and tell him the cleaning lady did it.

He is the cleaning lady.

Helen, I don't know what you're so worried about.

I mean, for God's sakes, it's just a stupid vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean, it's not like it's the only thing going on in his life.

840 watts of pure cleaning muscle, my friend.

Wow!

I-I thought my carpet sweeper packed a wallop.

Tell me about the accessories.

It has got a crevice tool that'll break your heart.

Oh...!

Ten inch or 20?

Oh, you dog!

You, you sprung for the big boy, didn't you?

You don't go halfway when you buy a thrill machine.

Ah, what I wouldn't give

to get my hands on a hellcat like that.

Well, I think maybe I could arrange that.

Don't tease me.

I'm not teasing.

Tomorrow night, you stop by my house,

we'll take a look at the instructional video,

I'll let you take it for a lap around the area rug.

Hey, what's going on, guys?

Hosemaster party

tomorrow night, your place.

We're going to get down and dirty.

Um, Joe,

I have to talk to you.

I was just thinking

that we've been given so much in our lives.

I mean, we have a good home, we love each other

so even though the vacuum's broken...

Uh, hey, the, the vacuum's broken?

W-What did you do?

Did you vacuum up something you shouldn't have?

Did you take it outside?

You didn't vacuum the driveway, did you?

All I did was turn it on.

Without supervision?

Oh, damn!

I blame myself for this.

I should have activated the childproof lock.

Joe, would you just calm down?

I took it to the repair shop.

Okay, well, I just hope it's going to be all right.

Listen, Joe, it's out of our hands.

All we can do now is pray.

Mr. Lundy?

I just heard what happened.

How is it?

Relax, Mr. Hackett.

She's purring like a kitten.

In fact, you can take her home.

Oh...! Oh, what a relief.

See?

I told you everything was going to be all right.

That'll be $185.

What?

Uh, you said it was unconditionally,

eternally guaranteed.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did; those were your exact words.

No, that wasn't me.

That was... my twin.

Your twin?

Right. I do repairs and he does sales.

Oh, okay.

Well, then, uh, why don't we talk to your twin

and see what he has to say about it? Where is he?

No idea.

We're not that close.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Just tell me who to write the check out to.

No, w-wait, what are you doing?

You put that away.

This guy's a liar.

We are not paying you one dime.

Well, then you're not gonna get your vacuum back.

Now, you listen, pal,

right now, airborne dust is settling in my house.

You don't want to mess with me.

Now, boys, boys, boys.

We all know that emotions run high

when a vacuum's at stake

so why don't we come back when everybody settles down?

That's fine.

I should tell you though

if you don't pay for it in 30 days

I'm going to sell it.

You wouldn't dare!

You're right. I wouldn't.

But my twin would.

Ah, Fay, Fay.

What is it about having a great night

with a beautiful woman

that just puts a smile on your face?

How the hell would I know?

No, no.

I was talking about me and Roy's niece, Lydia.

You're dating a Biggins?

Yeah, she's...

she's terrific.

But, Brian, she's a Biggins.

I don't care. I'm not ashamed.

Well, I am, but I don't care.

Hey, Roy, I just want to tell you

I had a fantastic time last night.

I really like Lydia.

In face, I was thinking of asking her out again tonight.

You got it, pal.

Tonight, how about the three of us...?

Oh, no, no, no.

Actually, I was thinking that it would just be me and Lydia.

You know?

Just you and Lydia?

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, Roy, uh...

I don't know how to say this

but I don't care.

Let me lay this out for you, Hackett--

you want to see Lydia

you got to show me a good time.

All right, I see.

All right, I was thinking about maybe having a little dinner.

Just dinner? On a second date?

Forget it.

Wait, wait.

Did I just say dinner?

I meant dinner in New York.

I'm listening.

And a Broadway show.

Throw in some ice skating at Rockefeller Center,

you got yourself a date.

Great, I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Make it 6:30.

I got to wash my hair.

Look, you have got to put me through to Mike Wallace.

I am telling you, this is going to blow the lid off

the whole door-to-door vacuum cleaner sales

and repair industry.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Joe. How's it going?

It's unbelievable, Helen.

No one cares.

I called the police,

the Better Business Bureau,

even a guy named Freddie Eyelids

who said it wasn't worth

strapping on the brass knuckles for.

Listen, Joe, I hate to say this

but let's just give Mr. Lundy the 185 bucks

and just be done with it.

No way. No way.

He sold that to me

with an unconditional eternal guarantee.

Now, I am not letting that sleazeball rip us off.

It's a matter of principal.

In the Old West, do you know what

would have happened if one man stole

another man's vacuum?

Well, Joe, those were rugged times.

I make a lot of promises, Helen,

but I swear to you by all I hold dear

that by 6:00 tonight

I am coming home with a Hosemaster.

You're a good man, Joe Hackett.

Thanks again, Mr. Lundy.

You're the best.

Anytime, Mrs. Harrison.

Hi, Mr. Lundy.

Well, if it isn't the nut job's wife.

Bring your checkbook?

Well, I was thinking.

I think we got off on the wrong foot the other day.

So as a peace offering, I made you some oatmeal cookies.

Go ahead. Have one.

You first.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

They're not poisoned.

How could you be so suspicious?

It's happened before.

Once poisoned, twice shy.

Oh, you're so funny.

Well, go ahead. Have one.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Okay, look...

Oh, you missed one.

Look, if you want your vacuum,

write me a check.

Otherwise, take your plate and go.

Well, I can't write a check.

Well, then, I've got work to do.

I can't... I can't write a check because, um...

because we're broke.

Broke?

You just spent $400 on a vacuum cleaner.

That thing cost $400?

Boy, my husband is a nut job.

LUNDY: Yeah, your life, your problem.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

No, please, listen to me.

What is it?

Well, see...

um...

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Lundy.

Thunder had to go number four.

LUNDY: No excuses.

I want you to take that vacuum over to my wife's brother

and tell him if the check bounces again

he's gonna have to answer to Thunder.

Yes, sir.

Go on in the back, boy.

No! Wait!

Oh, just look at that little dog.

Hello, little puppy.

I'm done. ( growls )

He hates people.

He only likes me.

Go on in the back, boy, yeah.

Mr. Lundy...

Yes. Mrs. Hackett...

I've got some work to do now,

so if you'll just excuse me... ( Thunder growling )

Quiet Thunder!

Listen, uh, what I would like...

Play with Mr. Chewy.

( crashing )

JOE: Help! Get him off me!

Please, don't eat me.

Good boy, Thunder.

Way to go. Come on.

Well...

what are you doing here?

Um, I'm sorry.

Have we met?

I'm Joe's twin brother, Bob.

Oh, please.

You were trying to steal your vacuum.

Look, I'm not trying to steal anything.

I'm just trying to take what's mine.

Come on, let's just pay him the $185 and get out of here.

No, it's not $185 anymore.

No, now it's a thousand.

A thousand?

Mm-hmm, and if you don't pay it, I'm pressing charges.

For what?

Attempted grand theft

and destruction of property.

Well, yeah, good luck trying to prove it.

Yeah, it's your word against ours.

I don't think so.

See, I got a security camera in here

that's been recording everything.

So if you don't pay it, I'll show that tape in court.

Yeah, right. Nice bluff.

A security camera in this dump.

What do you think we are, a couple of idiots?

Let me tell you something.

I am going to get that vacuum back

one way or another.

So when you come down here one morning,

that window is broken and that vacuum is gone,

just know that Joe Hackett was the one who did it.

Joe Hackett...

Hey, Roy, listen.

Uh, I've been thinking.

I want to have a really romantic evening with Lydia tonight

so I booked a cozy little booth at the Bay Tower Room in Boston

for the three of us.

Yeah, Hackett, that sounds great, but...

W-W-Wait. I'm not finished yet.

Belgian truffles, Roy...

Oh...

Your favorite.

Oh, Hackett...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay this on the line

for you, Hackett.

We can't see you anymore.

What? Wha...?

Did I do something wrong?

I can change.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not you-- it's us.

But I-I thought we had something... special.

Sure, we had some laughs, but, uh...

to tell you the truth, we met someone else.

Wow, I...

I feel so...

cheap.

You used me.

Hackett, we never promised you anything.

Don't torture yourself.

Move on; we have.

Uncle Roy, are you ready?

All set.

These are for you.

( chuckling ): Oh, you...

You shouldn't have.

Yep.

10:00 tomorrow morning, your office.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Helen, I got some great news.

I just got off the phone

with some attorneys in Boston.

For only $500 an hour

we can have our very own vacuum cleaner dream team.

Joe, you've got to get some perspective here.

It's just a vacuum.

We'll get you another one.

It is not just a vacuum; it's a Hosemaster!

But more importantly, it's the principle of the thing.

I don't care about the principle.

All I want is for my husband to be a whole man again,

standing on a chair, vacuuming the drapes...

Don't you think I want that, too?

Look, Joe.

I just got back from the bank.

I got a cashier's check for $1,000.

Let's give it to Mr. Lundy and get on with our lives.

Please, Joe! I'm begging you.

Stop the madness.

( sighing )

Okay... okay.

Oh, honey...

It's just... it kills me to think of that sleaze bag

getting away with this.

I know, but you got to admit

this whole thing has gotten out of control.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

It really has gone too far.

( phone rings )

Hello?

What?

When?

Who-who is this?

Hel-Hello? Hello?

They hung up.

Who was it?

It was some guy.

He said he's got information about my vacuum cleaner

I'll be very interested in.

He wants to meet me in the terminal at midnight.

Oh...

Now, that is just insane.

I am so glad that we have put this craziness behind us.

Finally! A break in this case.

Oh, we shouldn't have come here.

I don't like the looks of this place.

What are you talking about? It's the terminal.

I know.

I've been meaning to tell you for years.

I don't like the looks of this place.

It needs a coat of paint, something...

MAN (over PA): Joe Hackett...

Wha-What is it?

Who are you? Where are you?

What is all this about?

You stumbled on to something--

something bigger than a Hosemaster...

even bigger than a Hosemaster 2000.

A "Hosemaster 2000"?

I thought I had the top of the line.

( evil laughter )

You fool!

( evil laughter )

Ow!

What'd you do that for?

It's the guy from the vacuum store.

No names.

My whole career's at stake.

What are you doing here?

Teddy-- Teddy Kolb. Nice to meet you.

What is all this about, Teddy?

This is from the store's security camera.

I know what Lundy's been doing to you,

and I know it's wrong.

And this tape is gonna help you get back at him.

We already know what's on that tape.

Oh, but you don't know what's on this tape.

I must say, Mr. Lundy, you always give me the best service.

Dennis...

Wanda!

( both moaning )

What about that?

So what?

It's just two clumsy people having sex

in the back of a repair shop.

And that is not the way you use that attachment.

Teddy...

Oh, no, no, no.

This is my favorite part.

Ooh...

Okay, it's over.

Look, look, look.

This is very interesting and moderately stimulating,

but, you know, how is this going to help us?

Because the woman in the tape with Mr. Lundy

is not Mr. Lundy's wife.

When he finds out you have this tape,

he'll be happy to trade it for your Hosemaster.

Or maybe even a Hosemaster 2000!

Well, finally,

this nightmare is over.

But-but wait a minute.

Why are you doing this? What is in this for you?

Lundy's been ripping people off for years.

I think it's just time somebody stood up to him.

Oh, Teddy, we really appreciate you giving us this tape.

I want you to know that I really admire a man

who stands up for his principles.

Well, thank you.

Oh, but there's just one other... little thing.

Okay, let's see.

50 Bucks to replace a pair of dog-eaten trousers...

$150 for the consultation with the vacuum dream team

and, of course, the $1,500 we paid Teddy for the videotape.

And the total comes to...

$1,700 to get back a vacuum cleaner

that we could have had for 185 bucks.

It feels good to win, doesn't it, Helen?

There you go. You think you're ready to solo?

I watched the video

and I did pretty well on the written test, so...

yeah, I'm ready.

Okay. I'll be right back.

( engine coughing )

( engine dies )

Joe! Helen broke your vacuum.