Original subtitles

Oh, move over, baby.

I just got the new issue of People.

This laptop is incredible.

Oh, look.

The Who is getting back together again.

Wow.

Pete Townshend's starting to look like my Grandpa Earl.

Oh, I just love this.

Between the spreadsheets, the Internet and e-mail,

this is going to be a really valuable business tool.

Yes! Cool!

Look. I made the alien's head explode.

Oh, die, you freak.

Hey, uh, honey?

Hmm?

Tonight, didn't we say we were going to...

Oh, yeah. We were going to.

You still want to?

Sure. Do you?

You know me-- I'm always in the mood.

Yes!

Oh! Phew! Made it to the labyrinth.

Sharon Stone is so pretty.

Why can't she hold on to a man?

Hey, you know what? Hmm?

No law says we can't do it in the morning.

Yeah. I love the morning.

I'm a morning person.

Anyway, I'm getting tired.

Yeah. Me too.

I found the key to six more levels.

Whoo, bad face-lift.

You look like a Munster.

Mm...

great morning, huh?

I love waking up that way.

Oh, it was like our two bodies were one.

We both reached for that remote

at the exact same time.

Wasn't that a fantastic Today show?

Too bad we didn't have time to, uh...

but tonight...

I'll be there, baby.

Be where?

Oh, nowhere.

We're just making plans for tonight.

Oh, well,

I'm free.

How 'bout we make it a threesome?

No. We can't.

Right, Helen?

Fine. Be that way.

I'll just go ask Antonio and Brian

what they're doing tonight.

Bet they'd be happy to make it a threesome.

(chuckles) You have no idea.

Fay...

Fay, do you have any masking tape?

What is that?

Some new thing

the kids are doing?

'Cause, let me tell you something.

A man well into his 30s can't pull it off.

Yeah. That's, uh... that's very hurtful, Fay.

It's very hurtful.

Did I make fun of you

when you were doing cornrows?

Anyway, that's not what this is about.

My shoe's falling apart, and I don't have the time to get it fixed.

Okay?

What's wrong with your hair?

What?

Oh, um...

I didn't have a chance to pick up shampoo

so I used dishwashing liquid.

Can you see yourself?

Yes. I see myself stuck in this dead-end job

for another 30 years.

Hey, Brian?

Hello. Hello.

No...! ( groaning )

My watch stopped.

What is your problem?

The problem is that I just don't have any time

to get anything fixed.

You know what I need?

I need someone to run all my errands

to clean me, to feed me, to do all the grunt work

you know, like a... like a... like a wife.

No. That's not a wife.

That's a slave.

Not if I pay her.

How much are we talking?

Hey... hey, this is my wife.

Minimum wage plus mileage.

Okay. You just bought yourself a wife.

Great. You made me the happiest man alive.

All right, now look,

here's a few things I need from the drugstore.

After that, please swing by the cleaners,

the tailor, the post office, oh, and the watch repair.

And then come back here in an hour.

I have a bandage that needs to be changed.

Oh... perks.

Ooh. Oh, oh, oh, look.

Isn't that

that talk-show host, Mary Pat Lee?

BRIAN: God. Ugh. I hate that woman.

She once lured me onto her show

just so my ex-girlfriend Alex

could take revenge on me for breaking up with her.

Oh, no. She doesn't do mean stuff like that anymore.

In fact, just the other day she devoted a whole show

to people who look like their pets.

I was a hair away from sending in

a picture of me with my cockatiel.

Here. Look.

Uh, what do you think?

I think you should keep that in your pocket.

Anyway, women may like Mary Pat Lee

but no self-respecting male would ever want to watch

a dragon lady like that.

( gasping )

Is that Mary Pat Lee?

Pinch me. I'm dreaming.

Hello.

I'm Antonio, and I'm your biggest fan.

That's so sweet. Most of my following is women.

It's so nice to meet a male fan for a change.

I don't know why more men don't watch

'cause your topics are so universal.

Like, "a sisterly bond," and, uh...

"working mother make-overs."

My favorite--

"a master plan to land that man."

That was my favorite too.

( both laughing )

So, girlfriend, what, uh...

what... what brings you to Nantucket?

Well, Antonio, just between us, I have a date.

No. Really?

Oh! Well, whoever that lucky man is

if he's dating you, he must be--

there's no other word for it-- a god.

Hi, doll.

Hi, baby.

( both laughing )

Shall we?

I just got to make one quick call to my producer.

Oh, sure. Use the phone in my office.

What are you looking at, Scarpacci?

You.

Her.

How?

Well, we met

at a Foodaholics meeting a few weeks ago.

Afterward, I took her out for hot fudge sundae.

We've been dating ever since.

Sh-She's Mary Pat Lee...

Yeah.

And you're...

( stammering )

...Roy.

Oh, by the way, keep this to yourself.

She is not ready to go public yet.

Who can blame her?

She's Mary Pat Lee.

You're...

I heard you the first time.

So... oh, hey, Roy...

you and Mary Pat Lee, huh?

How did you hear?

Oh, I picked up Antonio yesterday.

He was walking down the highway dazed, mumbling...

( imitating Antonio ): "But she's Mary Pat Lee, and he's... "

( stammering )

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, look, I was kind of wondering, Hackett,

if we could have a talk, kind of man to man.

No, no, Roy. No.

The last time we talked

it took me group therapy and hypnosis tapes

to get over my night sweats.

Come on, Hackett, come on, please.

Come on, I really need to talk.

Okay, Roy, but I'm going to have to lay down

a few ground rules.

No visual aids, no graphic details

and you may not use me in any dramatic re-enactments.

Okay, we'll play by your rules.

Okay. All right.

Look, uh, I've never met a woman like Mary Pat Lee before.

She is smart, oh, and funny, and she has never once said

"Put your hand there again and you'll lose it."

I love how she thinks if she eats an Almond Joy real slowly

it'll have less calories.

I do that too.

So, what... what's the problem?

You see, we've been seeing each other for a while now

and she still wants to keep our relationship a secret.

I'm beginning to think that either...

either she's not serious about me--

like I'm just her little stud puppet...

Rules, rules, rules.

Or... or she's a little ashamed of me.

But that's just crazy, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Isn't it?!

Sure. Crazy.

Well, of course you'd say that-- you're my best friend.

Rules, rules, rules.

It's just that, Hackett, I really like her

and I need to know if she feels the same way about me.

Well, look, Roy, just give her a little time.

If she really cares about you

she'll find a way to let you know.

Quick, turn on Mary Pat Lee.

She's doing a show on the myths of P.M.S.

Ladies, when you go from bright and bubbly

to bummed and bitchy

does your man blame it on that time of the month?

Today, we massacre the myth of P.M.S.

Finally.

But, before we begin

I have a confession to make.

( gasping )

I finally admitted

that I'm powerless over food and I've joined Foodaholics.

I'm happy to report that I've already lost 15 pounds.

You go, girl.

But I've gained a whole bunch more

in my wonderful new boyfriend, Roy Biggins.

We met at Foodaholics, and I am

crazy about him.

B-bu-but you're Mary Pat Lee.

He's Roy!

Shirley Booth...

Robert Ryan...

Richard Widmark...

Scatman Crothers.

Dead... dead... alive... dead.

Gosh, Brian, I can't stump you.

You're too good at this.

I should put you in touch with my reunion committee.

Okay, here are your shirts.

Are they...?

Yes, they're starched.

And your vitamins. Are they...?

Yes, they're chewable. And I bought you underwear.

And are they...?

Yes, they're starched and chewable.

Hey, hey.

All right, all right.

They're wide-band and reinforced in the crotch.

My wife, I think I'll keep her.

Joe, look.

I don't believe it.

There's another picture in the paper

of Roy with Mary Pat Lee.

"Mary Pat Lee at a Boston Pops benefit

"with her new flame...

Boyd Wiggins."

I just... I just don't get it.

I mean, how can this still be going on?

She's Mary Pat

and... he's Boyd.

Antonio, they're together.

You're just going to have to learn to accept this.

That's what my priest said.

You know... I mean...

it could even get serious.

That's what the counselor at the Crisis Center said.

I mean, stranger things have happened.

They could wind up getting married.

That's what the guy at the gun shop said.

Did you guys happen to see

my picture in the newspaper?

Yeah, we saw it.

Oh, Scarpacci, by the way, Mary Pat says hi.

Oh, my God!

She said hi... to me?

Okay, okay, go back.

Go back. What... what...?

what exactly did she say?

Where were you?

What were you wearing? What was she wearing?

No-- don't leave anything out.

Just give it to me word for word.

Scarpacci, what difference does it make?

Trust me, lives depend on it.

Uh... she said, "You know that little Spanish guy

"that works at the airport?

"Well, uh, tell him I said hi.

Make his day."

Oh! Oh!

She likes me.

Fay, Fay, wait till you hear.

So, Hackett, I guess you're wondering

what it's like dating a media darling.

Nope. Not at all.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's great!

Of course, you give up some of your privacy

with the paparazzi always following you around

shouting, "Hey, get out of the way.

We can't see Mary Pat."

But living in the celebrity fishbowl

is a small price to pay

when you're dating a babe like Mary Pat Lee.

And the sex...

Rules, rules.

I won't tell you

how many times a day we go at it.

Thank you. Four times.

Oh... Please, stop.

And if the press ever got ahold of our videos...

Ugh...!

I'm going blind.

Roy, if you're happy,

then I'm happy for you.

But you should just know that as your relationship grows

it's not always going to be about sex.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I mean, Helen and I have been together for a while now.

And it's not like we're all over each other.

I mean, it's not like we don't want to be, but stuff comes up, you know?

I mean, you get into your computer,

she gets into her magazine,

you're watching QVC,

you see this little porcelain leprechaun

you just got to have...

Wasn't that a great deal?

Anyway, I just hope that you and Mary Pat

are half as happy as me and Helen.

I hope so too.

Last night we did it on the hood of my El Camino.

Dah!

Which reminds me, can you recommend a good body shop?

Joe, look what I bought in Boston today.

Nothing.

A present for me.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Hey, Hackett, you got a minute?

Yeah, Roy, but I've got other plans for it.

I'm going to hang up now.

No, no, wait.

I've got someone here who wants to talk to you.

Hello, Joe.

This is Mary Pat Lee!

Hi.

Joe, hang up the phone already.

It's Mary Pat Lee.

Hi, Mary Pat. How are you?

Hello, Helen.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh, not at all. I was just sitting here.

Listen, Roy was telling me

what a wonderful couple you are.

And tomorrow I'm doing a show

"Happily Ever After: Marriages That Work"

and unfortunately, one of the wives on the panel

she came home today

and she found her husband trying on her nursing bra.

So I was wondering... do you think you and Joe

might consider replacing them?

What's she saying?

A man got caught in a nursing bra

and she wants us to be on her show tomorrow.

What do you think?

I don't know...

We'd love to!

Oh, I really appreciate this.

I'm so delighted.

Now listen, you have to be in Boston

tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m.

Okay, 7:00 a.m. in Boston.

We'll be there.

Oh, listen, Mary Pat,

we just love your show so much...

and we just can't wait to be there...

Isn't this exciting?

We're going to be on TV tomorrow.

I know, but we're going to have to get up so early.

Oh, right.

Good night.

Yeah, good night.

Oh, wait. Weren't we going to...?

Ah, we'll get to it tomorrow.

Get to what?

Oh, yeah, right, we'll get to it tomorrow.

Ah... I can't believe

I let Joe talk me into coming back here.

That woman called me a commitment-phobic creep

in front of a million people.

You should be proud.

You know, that show made it

on the best of Mary Pat Lee video

along with "Death Row Marriages"

and the guy who gnawed off his own pinky

to get it out of an A.T.M. machine.

Oh! Finally.

Hey, where were you?

Sorry. It takes a while

to replace all the Odor Eaters in your shoes.

Wear a sock once in a while!

Hey, aren't we forgetting something?

Oh.

No, no, see...

no, I believe I said "extra firm."

Take it back.

( mirthless laugh )

That's it, princess.

I have had it with your delicate little behind,

your sweaty feet, your creepy underwear

and your Loony Tunes vitamins.

You're an adult!

Learn how to swallow a pill!

What are you saying?

Get yourself a new wife.

I quit!

Honey, honey... honey, please don't go!

We can work this out!

Hey, are you single?

You looking to make $4.50 an hour?

Shh-shh-- it's starting, it's starting.

( applause )

Hi! I'm Mary Pat Lee!

( cheering )

Is your marriage mundane?

Has "for better or worse" become a curse?

Is "happily ever after" just a fairy tale?

You know it, sister.

What's the secret to a happy marriage?

Meet two couples who know.

Please, let's have a warm welcome

for Sam and Ida Merriweather, who've just celebrated

their 50th wedding anniversary.

( applause )

And Joe and Helen Hackett,

who've just enjoyed their first blissful year.

Aw...

And speaking of blissful, guess who's in the audience?

Roy.

(audience applauding)

All right, Joe, Helen--

let's start with you.

Why don't you tell us

what makes your relationship

so darn special?

Well... Well, I think...

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

No, you go, baby.

Don't you just want to eat them up?

Like candy.

All right, Joe, come on.

Tell us, what's your secret?

Well, uh, I think it's pretty simple, Mary Pat.

Um, I think that marriage

is about taking care of each other's needs.

And jewelry doesn't hurt either.

( stagy laughter )

Well, you two just seem like the perfect couple.

We like to think we are.

Then why is your sex life in the dumper?

What?

Oh, come on, come on.

You're sitting there like you're America's sweethearts

when the truth is you're practically celibate.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Okay. Okay. When, exactly, was the last time you had sex?

A-All right. U-Uh...

( clears throat )

The... I am pretty damn sure it was this month.

I'm pretty damn sure it was good too.

Audience?

ALL: Let's get real!

You know, I-I see now

why people like to watch this show.

It's very entertaining.

Okay, listen, let me tell you something.

Helen and I have a great sex life.

Oh, really?

Well, that's not what you told Roy.

You talked to Roy about our sex life?

No. Well, no, not exactly.

Not exactly? What does that mean?

Look, I am not going to discuss this

in front of millions of people.

Okay, fine. Why don't you go home

and discuss it with Roy?

Helen...

Joe, Joe, Joe, tell me, tell me

what are you thinking right now?

I think you're sneaky and mean,

and you are completely wrong about Helen and me.

Audience?

ALL: Let's get real!

Just go ahead and set that down over there.

Oh, honey, wasn't that a great show today?

Yeah. Uh... about that...

I really need to talk to you.

No, not now-- we're being photographed for Boston Magazine.

Oh, you look shiny.

Lou? Roy needs a little pancake.

Eat now?

I'm kind of upset.

Oh, what the hell.

Lou, make it a short stack.

( laughing )

You are so cute.

I meant makeup.

Look, I got to be honest with you here, Mary Pat.

I'm a little angry right now.

Smile, Roy.

It's about your show.

Honey, what is it? What's wrong?

You told me that you were going to do a show

about happy couples.

Come on, Roy.

"Happy couples" gets a four share

against Huckleberry Hound.

You betrayed and tricked my friends.

What I told you, Mary Pat, was in confidence.

Oh, my god, Roy.

I feel terrible.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Mary Pat?

Oh, honey, I just, I-I had to do something.

You know that softer Mary Pat image?

It just wasn't working.

Okay, guys, let's get a picture

of the two of you together.

Let's show Boston how you really feel about each other, okay?

One, two...

Hold it, hold it.

I can't do this.

C-Could you all please just give us a minute?

I really don't understand why you're so upset.

You know how much I care about you.

Not half as much as you care about your show.

Yeah, but that's a lot.

Boy. I really thought we had something going here.

We do, but don't ask me to choose

between you and my show.

Okay. Well, then, I'm going to choose for you.

Roy! Please don't

walk out on me!

I really, really need you!

PHOTOGRAPHER: Mary Pat?

That was incredible.

We should fight more often.

There's nothing better than make-up sex.

Unless it's make-up sex again.

How mad are you?

Furious.