Original subtitles

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la...

Roy...

since when do you have

so much Christmas spirit?

Since Susan Connor's husband dropped dead two weeks ago.

I took his place

in the caroling group.

By midnight, this little drummer boy

will be parum-pum-pum-pumming.

Hitting on a recent widow?

What about mourning?

Stay over?

Ah, nah, wouldn't be right.

She just planted her husband.

So, what are your Christmas Eve plans, Scarpacci?

The usual, huh? A little beefaroni on a hot plate

and then cry yourself to sleep in front of the space heater?

That's all right when you're single,

but this year, I've got a girlfriend.

You mean that thing with Elise is still happening?

Oh, I can't believe it.

I can't believe, either.

Imagine, a woman like that

still going out with a guy like me.

It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

And yet it's happening.

In fact, I just dropped off my last fare.

Now I'm going to go home, take a little shave,

wash my hair, take another shave,

pack an overnight bag,

throw in a couple of razors,

and I'm off to see Elise.

Oh, Sister Mary, you left your rosary on the plane.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, by the way, do you know where I can get a cab?

Uh, yeah.

Um, that man right over there.

Excuse me, I need a cab.

Oh, look, I'd love to help you out, but, uh,

I'm off duty.

Oh, isn't there any way

you could make an exception?

Somebody's waiting for me.

It's really important.

Oh, guess I'm not the only one with a hot date.

Okay, doll face, let's go.

Hey, Casey. Hi.

How's it going at the department store?

Boy, am I glad to have a job for the holidays.

Working is really doing wonders for my self-esteem.

I must say, I'm proud of myself.

You should be.

Do you have any idea how many high school kids

you beat out for that elf job?

Oh, by the way, this came for you.

Oh, great! I was getting worried.

It's Joe's Christmas present.

Mail order? I thought you loved holiday shopping.

Oh, I do, but the last few Christmases

have been so depressing.

I've just given up on the whole holiday.

I told Joe I don't want to decorate the house;

I don't even want to get a tree.

We're just gonna stay home,

watch TV, and go to bed early.

So, what'd you get him?

Something he's been hinting at for months.

I can't wait to see him in it.

Boy, you are one understanding wife.

No, they made a mistake.

I ordered him a beautiful leather flight jacket.

Shoot. What am I going to do now?

It's too late to get him anything else.

We've got some beautiful flight jackets down at the store.

Plus, I get a 25% employee discount.

You know, why don't I just put one aside

for you in the storeroom, then you can come down

right before they close and pick it up.

Perfect, perfect.

Thank you, Casey.

So, what are you going to do with this?

Well, I didn't get Brian anything...

Hey, I really appreciate your taking one more fare.

Ah, no problem.

You said it was important. Mm.

So, who's the lucky guy?

Actually, there isn't one.

I don't have a date.

Oh, that's a shame.

Good-looking chick like you.

Tell you what.

Why don't I drop you off at Hickey's?

It's... it's the hottest singles bar on the island.

Huh, what do you say?

Any interest?

Sorry. Nun.

Oh, come on.

You slap on a little lip gloss, you're not going home alone.

I'm a nun.

Sister Mary McKenna.

Little Sisters of Hope.

That's the one that's going to take me down.

Listen, uh, wherever you want to go, uh, it's on the house.

I-I'm not charging you for the ride.

Works for me.

This nun job isn't the financial bonanza

I thought it would be.

Oh, okay, here we are.

The west... west end of town.

Uh, what's the address we're looking for?

I don't know.

You have it written down somewhere?

No. Actually, I had a dream.

Well, more of a vision, really.

Uh-huh.

I dreamt that there's someone on this island

that needs to be saved.

That's why I've come.

Uh, let me get this straight.

Uh, what you're saying is

that you came here to save someone

but you have absolutely no idea who they are,

where they are, or how to get there.

Exactly!

And I thought this was gonna be hard to explain.

(sighs)

Listen, I hope you don't have any regrets

about taking me.

None.

Hey, Brian, we caught a break.

I just got off the phone with Helen.

She's gonna be late.

So, we're gonna have plenty of time

to finish up everything before she gets here.

Oh, this is gonna be the Christmas

that she always wanted.

I cannot wait to see her face when she comes in that door.

She's gonna be so surprised.

You know something?

Spending Christmas Eve as a family has...

has really put me in the holiday spirit.

Hey, I'm glad.

Hmm.

(phone rings)

Hello? Yolanda?

Yeah, I'll be there, hour, hour and a half, tops.

Well, I'm dying to see you, too,

but I don't think I can get out any sooner...

You'll do what?

Okay, I can be there 20-25 minutes, tops.

What's that?

We're going to trim the tree.

No good!

Isn't that the type of thing you want to do with Helen?

No, I want to do it for Helen.

That's the whole point of the surprise.

Why are we standing around here?

Let's move, move, move! Come on!

Where the hell's that tinsel?

Hey, Brian!

Remember Christmas Teddy?

Oh, this was our favorite ornament when we were kids.

Oh, God!

This thing must be 30 years old.

(clattering)

(gasping)

(voice quavering): Christmas Teddy!

(doorbell chimes)

Christmas Teddy!

Christma...

Christmas Teddy.

Christmas Teddy.

No, Hanukkah Lou.

Lou, what are you doing here?

Nice to see you, too.

Shouldn't you be at the home?

Oh, Christmas Eve at the home.

What a festive day.

We string lights to everyone's wheelchair

and the Korean kid pushes us down the hall.

Look, Lou, I'd love to invite you in, but...

I understand, I understand.

Well, gee, come on in, Lou.

I didn't come empty-handed.

You like fruitcake? No.

This is fruitcake.

"Merry Christmas, Lou.

From the Morning Pill Lady."

Joe, you got more tins...

Ahh!

What the heck's Yoda doing here?

Lou's just here for a short visit.

Very short.

Sure, sure, sure. Real short.

Listen, are you going to offer me something?

(sighing): Uh, offer you something? Like what?

Well, it's the holidays.

I-I feel like something...

rich.

You got any clear broth?

Oh, I like this.

Oh, I want this.

Oh...

Oh, and I need three of these.

Oh... Three of these.

Oh, and I must have this cat clock.

Fay, just 'cause Casey gets a discount

doesn't mean you have to buy everything in sight. (door opens)

You know, after spending the whole day

surrounded by little children visiting Santa,

I just have to say one thing:

I'm having my tubes tied.

Come on, guys, we're locking up.

No, no, no! Time! I need more time!

You have everything you need.

Besides, it's kind of creepy down here,

and they're closing the store. Let's go.

Let's go.

Oh, wait, this is strange.

Here, let me try.

It's locked.

What?! (knocking)

Hello?

Hello?!

Oh, no!

They must have closed the store.

Everyone's gone home.

Are we locked in?

Well, you know, only till the store

opens again... on Thursday!

We got to get out of here.

We got to get out of here.

CAROLERS: 'Tis the season to be jolly...

Listen.

Fa-la-la-la-la...

Carolers! Oh!

ALL THREE: Hey! Hey!

(Fay, Helen and Casey screaming)

Oh, my God, it's Roy! It's Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!!

I can't get his attention.

Here! Help me!

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Strike the harp and join the chorus...

Roy!

Roy! Roy!

Follow me in merry measure...

HELEN (screams): Help!

SUSAN: Hey, whose hand was that?

ROY: Ow! Hey! I'm just trying to comfort a widow.

No! HELEN: Roy!

Ohh!

Don't leave us! Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Brian.

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian!

You're just throwing that tinsel on without thinking.

Hey, hello.

There's a human being sitting out here.

Yeah, well, we could debate that all night.

What do you want, Lou?

I just want you to know

I'm finished with my Wheat Thin.

(doorbell chimes)

Who are you?

Nice greeting.

You make a person feel warm and toasty.

I came here to pick up Lou.

I'm his brother.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

No, no, no, no. You don't do that in here.

You go outside with that.

Harry?

Lou?

I've nothing to say to you.

Lou, we haven't seen each other for 30 years.

It's time we talked.

Okay, I'll go first.

You screwed me.

I didn't screw you.

You screwed me blue.

30 years, reunited.

Isn't that a beautiful thing?

Okay, here we go, double time, out the door.

I'm not going anywheres with him.

Well, I'm not leaving here until we've had this out.

No, no, no, you-you cannot do this in here.

We are about to sit down to a nice family dinner.

Hey, Joey, the turkey's all...

Oh, my God, they're multiplying.

Okay.

Let's... recap.

Now... you say someone on this island needs saving.

Now, this person...

Or persons.

Right, right.

They're on this island,

but they're not on the West End,

they're not on the East End,

they're not on the South End,

and unless they're an otter,

they're not on the North End.

Well, let's see.

In my dream, there was a lighthouse...

Oh, yeah?

And a harbor...

Yes?

And what appeared to be a large, angry cantaloupe.

(sighs): Okay.

That's it, that's it.

Show's over.

You know what?

I don't believe you had a dream.

I don't believe there's someone you have to save.

I don't even believe you're a nun.

Antonio, I am a nun.

Okay, then, pop quiz.

Number of days Jesus spent in the desert?

Forty.

Okay, that was a gimme.

Try this:

Who was the lying apostle? Judas.

The doubting apostle? Thomas.

The cute apostle? Paul.

Listen--

I could play "Stump The Nun" all night,

but, clearly, I'm taking advantage of your good nature,

so why don't I just get out here?

No, no, no, no.

No way am I going to drop off a nun

alone on the docks on a Christmas Eve.

You don't come back from Karma like that.

Ugh!

I was supposed to be at my girlfriend's

ten minutes ago.

I-I got to find a phone.

Here. Use mine.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

A nun with a cellular phone?!

Beheaded by Salome...

John the Baptist.

Call your girlfriend, Antonio.

Ohh.

Oh, my stomach's on fire.

What the hell did you serve me?

A low-sodium Saltine.

Same old Harry.

Still a pain in the rump.

Why can't you be more like me?

Brian, what are we gonna do?

Helen is gonna be here any minute.

We have got to get them to leave.

All right, all right.

Um, I got an idea.

Why don't I go?

And?

And... maybe they'll follow me out shortly...

thereafter.

You know, I am starting to get the feeling

that you don't want to be here.

Where's your Christmas spirit, Brian?

Now help me throw these old goats out in the street!

So, what's the story on these two?

What do you mean, what's the story? They live here.

They live here?

What are they?

A little funny?

No. If they were really funny,

we'd be eating like kings.

JOE: Listen, you guys,

(sighs) whatever happened 30 years ago,

let it go.

It couldn't have been that bad.

You really want to know what happened? No.

I'll tell you what happened.

30 years ago, we opened up a delicatessen--

Lou and Harry's Delicatessen-- it was in New York.

It was in New York.

Didn't I just say it was in New York?

Would you just tell me what happened?

30 years ago, we opened up a delicatessen...

Lou and Harry's Delicatessen.

Lou and Harry's Delicatessen...

Ay!

HELEN: You sure you're all right, Fay?

Well, I haven't done this in a while,

but it's like riding a bike.

It all comes back to you.

HELEN: Oh, gosh. (grunts)

CASEY: Yeah, well, I'm not all right.

I'm afraid of heights and Fay won't stand still!

Well, your little pointy elf shoes are digging into my ear!

We're almost there.

Just one more...

(groans)

Just... one... more.

(screams)

Okay, new plan.

Whatever made me think a beautiful woman like Elise

would sit around on a Christmas Eve waiting for me?

Antonio...

it sounds to me like you need a little faith.

Oh, I have faith-- I have faith

that I'm going to spend every Christmas of my life alone

with a can of beefaroni.

First of all, I'm concerned about your diet.

And second of all, I'm seeing a pattern here.

You don't believe I'm a nun.

You don't believe in your girlfriend.

You don't believe in much of anything.

(snorts)

There's not much to believe in, is there?

I mean, look at you--

running around in the middle of the night,

following some wacko dream.

Faith?

I don't think so.

Antonio...

pull over.

I'm here.

Really?

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah.

Antonio...

I've only known you for six-and-a-half hours,

but in that short time,

I've seen that you are a kind and generous man.

If you don't believe in anything else,

at least have faith in yourself.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay.

Don't forget your phone, Sister.

(ringing)

Hello.

It's for you.

Hello.

Elise. Finally.

Merry Christmas, Antonio.

Okay...

this time, it's going to work.

Swing me, Casey.

(grunting)

All right, do it again.

(grunting)

Fay, let go of the rope!

Oh, you did it! You did it! Wow!

HELEN: Okay, all I have to do

is just pull up and open the window.

Okay...

I'm pulling...

I'm pulling...

Nope. I'm wrong.

Okay, third time's a charm.

Fay, strap on the helmet.

(knocking)

CASEY: Look up there! FAY: Oh, my gosh!

HELEN: We're saved! We're saved! We're saved!

And that brings us to the year 1964

in which we introduced the pocket knish.

We did very well.

We did very well.

We did okay.

Please, I beg you--

get to the part where something happens.

What, I'm, I'm not entertaining you?

Oh, no, it's... it's fascinating.

Tell us again about the great coleslaw scare of '62.

You, I hate.

Just... just tell me

why you two haven't spoken in 30 years.

All right.

In 1965, he bought he out for bupkes

and two months later, he sold it.

So?

He sold it for a fortune.

He knew he was getting an offer,

and that's why he bought me out.

For 30 years, I've been telling you, I didn't know.

You knew. I didn't know.

You knew.

And don't think because I'm talking to you now,

that I'm talking to you now.

Lou, I'm trying to make it right.

Nothing you say can make it right.

Lou...

here's a check for your half of the sale.

All right, then.

Good. Good.

Now that's settled.

Now, if you don't mind, we are gonna

try to have our family Christmas.

(phone ringing)

Harry, that's for me.

Hello.

BRIAN: Harry... Yolanda?

Calling a guy for a date?

You must be a real beast.

BRIAN: No, no, no, wait, wait.

No, no, no! What are you doing? Harry!

Hello? Hel...?

So that's it? That's why

you've been rushing around all night?

It's Christmas Eve.

You're going to bail to meet some girl?

Joey...

Yolanda is not just some girl.

She's French.

She's a circus performer.

She can pull a quarter out of her ear with her toes.

We've been planning this dinner for two weeks.

I didn't know she was gonna show up in town.

You knew. I didn't know.

You knew! I didn't know!

You knew. I didn't know.

(doorbell chimes) Don't you move.

(wheezing)

(wheezing)

Hey, Hackett.

Merry Christmas.

What happened to you?

Oh, nothing, really.

It was just a little incident

involving a pack of wild carolers.

Do you think I could stay here for a couple hours or days

until this thing blows over?

No, no. There's no way, Roy.

We're about to have a family dinner. Thank you, thank you.

You're a lifesaver. No, Roy...

My fault?

How was this my fault?

Because you should have known

what time the store was going to close!

Oh, yeah? Well, I am an elf, not a night watchman!

Hey, Fay, what are you doing here?

Ca-Casey, where is Helen?

Hey, Hackett, you got a turkey burning in here.

Oh, great.

Now what are we going to do for food?

Now what are we going to do for food?

All right.

That's it.

That is it!

As far as I'm concerned,

you can all go!

Or you can all stay.

(stammering): I-I really don't care.

All I was trying to do

was make a beautiful Christmas for Helen.

And now, thanks to all of you, it's too late.

So just forget it.

Joe...

the house...

it's beautiful.

Did you do this?

Do you like it?

I love it.

Oh, and you didn't forget anything.

The tree...

and the lights...

and the two old guys sitting on the couch.

Well, uh, they were sort of a last-minute touch.

CAROLERS: Merry Christmas to you, wherever you are

Good tidings for Christmas FAY: Oh, listen--

And a happy New Year carolers.

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas...

Aw, you know this is the first time all night

it's really felt like Christmas.

CAROLER: Hey, look! There's Biggins' car!

He must be around here somewhere!