Original subtitles

Listen to this.

"A spokesman for the Society for Inter-Solar System Teamwork--

"SISST--

"claims an alien visitation is going to occur

"on Nantucket on the 18th

of this month."

What a bunch of nutbags.

I don't know about that, Antonio.

Who's to say we're the only intelligent life in the universe?

Me. I say it.

We're it, baby.

That's all she wrote.

You're wasting your time

with all this whoo-whoo, hocus-pocus stuff.

Where are you going?

It's Wednesday.

I have a standing appointment with Madame Zola

to read the bumps on my head.

Okay, Roy, it's your turn.

I'm sure you're a skeptic too.

I just don't believe we're alone.

Neither do I.

What?

Oh, they're here, all right.

They're everywhere.

I've read all the books.

Aliens in my Pocket?

Red Planet, Blue Skin?

BOTH: Bright Lights, Big Heads?

Ah! Oh!

I wish we could contact the society.

I'd give anything to be at the landing.

No problem.

I know people.

I have a mole in SISST.

Hey, how did the job interviews go?

Oh, another bust.

This week alone, I've been turned down

for tour guide at the whaling museum

dental receptionist

and chum dumper on a tuna boat.

Brian, I feel like such a loser.

Oh, stop talking like that.

You're not a loser.

They wouldn't even let you dump chum?

No. It's just like everything else.

You got to know somebody.

I know how it is.

This morning, when I woke up I was feeling down.

I just snapped myself out of it.

You want to know how? How?

First, I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I took a deep breath

I walked on over to the mailbox,

pulled out a big mama check

from my insurance company!

My fire settlement came through.

What are you going to do with the check?

You gonna buy a new house?

Maybe. Eventually.

But for now, I'm just going to keep him safe here with me.

Aren't I? You're a pretty little check.

Yes, you are.

Besides...

what's the hurry?

I'm living with Joe and Helen; they're cool about that.

I'm not in a rush to go anywhere.

There he is!

The man with the check.

Which we are going to help you

turn into a house, a house of your very, very own.

That's right, we've been looking all morning.

We've narrowed it to three.

All you have to do is pick. Well, I, I...

Here is a gracious, spacious colonial

featuring three bedrooms, two and half baths and a wet bar.

Or how about this sleek, contemporary two-plus-two

with a gourmet kitchen, a private deck off the master

and a wet bar.

Or this charming Cape Cod--

finished basement, ocean view, and a wet bar.

What's with all the wet bars?

Who am I? Matt Helm?

Is there room in any of those places for me?

Well, I am glad you asked.

This one has a guest house right on the property.

Where? It's right there. See?

That corrugated metal thing?

That's a tool shed!

Come on, what do you say we all go down and look at it right now?

What's the rush?

Oh, there is no rush; we just want you to be happy.

You deserve a place of your own

without us in the way all the time.

You guys aren't in my way.

Yes, we we are--

we're a giant pain in the butt!

Trust me, Brian.

You shouldn't spend one more night

in the house with us.

We don't think your nerves could handle it.

Something bad could happen.

You might... blow.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt

to go down there and take a peek.

HELEN: All right, then.

Some house, huh?

Did you see that crown molding

in the living room?

You can't find that kind of craftsmanship today.

What about that thing under the tarp?

Don't worry about that.

They got poison for that.

No. No. No! No! No! No!

Oh, got it. There you are.

You gave me quite a scare there, didn't you?

Stop talking to the check now.

It's psycho.

Come on, we showed you three great houses, Brian.

You must have liked one of them.

Well, actually...

You left me there

in the toolshed!

I was measuring for curtains.

You couldn't hear me screaming?

We didn't know it was you.

You do hear a lot of screaming in that part of town.

Anyway, what'd you think?

Well, I did like

the contemporary with the deck off the bed...

That's my favorite too!

Shall we

make the call?

Well, could you just give us a minute?

JOE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

'Cause Brian and I need to...

well, this is it, big guy.

I'm going to miss you.

All right. I'm ready.

Let's go get me a house!

JOE: We did it.

HELEN: Let's go call the agent.

Uh...

oh.

Could we see menus?

No menus. Here's what I got--

I got a cheese sandwich.

I got a baloney sandwich.

I got a tuna sandwich.

I'll take a cheese sandwich.

Me too.

No. You're not listening.

I said, I got a cheese sandwich

a baloney sandwich, and a tuna sandwich.

How do you expect to stay in business like that?

I don't.

Tomorrow, I'm closing the place and moving to Miami.

I bought a condo.

In fact,

you two are probably my last customers ever.

Oh, that's kind of sad.

You want sad?

Wait till you see the baloney.

Tuna it is.

Wow. Wow. I'm...

I'm really going to be a homeowner.

Yeah. You know, I bet that those light fixtures

are original art deco.

Maybe I'll expand the master bedroom.

Look at that tilework on that counter.

You don't see stuff like that anymore.

Of course I'll have to get rid of the garden.

You know how I hate plants.

A little paint, a little imagination...

It was the right decision.

You know what you should do?

You should take your insurance check

and invest it in something,

something that could make you money.

Like what?

Like this place.

A diner?

No, no, no, not a diner.

You could turn it into something cool--

you know, like a club or a bar.

Oh, I know.

A martini bar. They're big now.

A martini bar... what are you, kidding?

That's the stupidest, most ridiculous idea I ever heard.

You could call it Brian's.

Go on.

What could be cooler than owning your own club?

I mean, can't you just see yourself here,

you know, sitting on a barstool

people all around laughing at your stories.

You always tell me to shut up when I tell my stories.

Yeah. But if I had a couple of martinis in me,

I'd laugh my head off.

Listen, Brian... we could make a fortune.

And if anyone has the charisma to draw a crowd, it's you.

No! You would be like Bogie in Casablanca.

Yeah. Bogie. Uh-huh. Yeah.

( imitating Bogie ): Welcome to Brian's, sweetheart.

See, that's great. You're a natural.

Letters of transient-- letters of transit.

Louie, I think this is the beginning--

Stop it!

Save all that good stuff for the opening.

I admit, it's a cool idea

but what do I know about running a club?

Right. That's where I come in.

I will do everything.

I'll design it.

I'll supervise the renovations.

I'll even manage it for you.

All you have to do is just sit on that barstool

and rake in the dough.

Come on, Brian, take a chance.

Sandpiper was Joe's dream.

This could be yours.

Hey, congratulations, Brian.

The house is a done deal.

You finally have a place of your own.

Yes, I do.

Welcome to Brian's!

A martini bar...

a martini bar!

They're going to be living with us until they die.

Let's not go there yet.

Welcome to Brian's.

Hey, so what do you think?

Want the truth or a bald-faced lie?

I'm in deep-- give me the lie.

I love it! Hey.

Well, thanks, buddy,

but, you know, we couldn't have done it by ourselves.

Brian's would be nowhere

without those workmen out there.

I tell you, those boys, those boys out there

really rally around me.

( glass breaking and car alarm blaring )

Hey... that sounds like my car.

Damn thievin' workmen.

And... there she is--

the brains behind Brian's.

I realize you guys

aren't exactly in love with the idea

but we have put everything we've got into this.

It would mean a lot if we had your support.

Okay, Casey, what...

what can we do to help?

Short of cosigning anything.

Well, if you want,

you could help with the martini menus.

See we're gonna serve all different kinds,

and we need to come up with, like, a fun selection.

So... you want us to sit at the bar and drink?

If it isn't too much trouble.

Hey, we're family.

Come on, Helen, belly up.

Oh... I remember.

This place was a diner!

Good food, but the owner was creepy.

Every time I came in, he was all over me

with his sweaty hands and his baloney breath...

I wonder whatever happened to him.

Look at this place...

They'll probably have one of those snooty doormen

behind the velvet rope

deciding who gets in and who doesn't.

I knew someone who waited outside a club like this

for three hours, never got in

'cause the doorman said he didn't have

"the right look."

What were you wearing?

A plaid car coat and a pair of red galoshes.

Hey... welcome to Brian's, Antonio.

I wonder, would I hear those words

if your snooty doorman didn't think I had

"the right look" to get in your snobby club?

Probably not.

Oh, hey, that reminds me--

I better ask Casey to hire some goon to man the door.

Please! Let it be me-- please?

Oh, Brian, I'm perfect for the job, you know?

I got that whole Euro-thing happening

and a 'tude that's bad to the bone.

You're in!

Hey, let me introduce you to the family.

Say, uh, whoozits in the, uh, bandanna--

meet the doorman.

( whispering ): Hey, hey, Cochran, come here.

We are in luck.

I got the coordinates for the landing:

'Sconset Point, three nights from now.

Oh, you're kidding!

No, we have to bring a lawn chair,

a warm blanket and an offering.

I suggest an Entenmann'' crumb cake.

The aliens like crumb cake?

No... the SISST people.

They hate it if you show up empty-handed.

The last thing you want to do is get SISST pissed.

( slurring ): Okay, let's get back to work.

How many names have we come up with yet?

( slurring ): Let's see...

Okay, let's see, we have the "martini Navratilova"...

And we have the "Idi Amini martini"...

And... let me see, what should we call that one?

Oh, I got it, I got it...

( chuckling ): The-- this is good--

the "itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot...

Martini."

Ah...

You saw right where I was going.

I just thought of something.

We can't... drive like this.

How-how we gonna get home?

Antonio.

He hasn't been drinking.

He's thinking very clearly.

Sorry, babe.

( snickering )

In your dreams.

( loudly ): No way.

Is that a freakin' car coat?

Be cool, be cool.

We still got five minutes before we're officially open.

Look, Brian! There's a line around the block.

There's got to be, like, 200 people out there.

Whoa... 200 people.

All here to see Brian.

Well, I... guess my name really draws 'em in, huh?

Yeah... those two-for-one coupons

didn't hurt either.

What's the word, Mr. B?

All right, Antonio...

send in the first customer.

Good evening.

Welcome to Brian's.

( screaming )

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Ow... ow... ow.

Boy...

that floor is slippery.

Can I help you up?

No, no, no, I think you better call a doctor.

(groaning continues)

I think we better call the insurance company too.

I don't think we can call the insurance company.

Why not?

Brian doesn't have one.

Ow... ow... ow.

( cocktail music playing on piano )

Call me irresponsible

Brian?

Call me unreliable

Brian...

Call me...

An idiot for trusting you!

I already said

I was sorry.

You know, you told me to cut corners.

I had to make some executive decisions.

Do you know how much a good assistant manager costs?

Go wait in the car.

Look, Brian, maybe it's not as bad as we think.

I mean, we don't even really know

how hurt this guy is.

He might be okay by now.

You know... yeah. You might be right.

I mean, they only wheeled him out of here on a gurney.

That's how I like to travel when I'm in the pink!

Do you know how I like to travel?

On an elephant.

On one of those big-ass elephant saddles...

you know, the kind all the elphelants wear...

and so as I pass by, all the villagers come out

and they say, "Whoa! There goes Princess Helen

on her elphelant."

( whispering ): Yeah.

That's the way to go, all right.

Listen to her.

She makes a lot of sense.

Joe, Joey, please, stay with me.

I'm about to lose my club here.

I need some help.

You... you know, you rejected my help.

You should have taken my advice

when I told you to buy a hat.

A... a hat?!

Yeah, a h... a hat.

A hat. A hat.

A hat with a deck off the master

and a little tool shed for Stacey.

Hey... look, Joe.

I have a hat.

That's pretty.

Joey, please. What am I going to do?

Well, I think that it's time

to add a new drink to the menu.

The bankruptini martini.

It's on the rocks

and it's going to live with its relatives

for the rest of its life.

Oh, no. Okay, now, now, now.

Listen, we're just going to go behind the bar

and take a little nappy.

We'll meet you later back at the hat.

That's it.

( weak chuckle )

It's all over.

I sank my last dime into this place.

Now when that guy sues me

I'm going to lose everything!

No! Brian! We're not giving up.

What if we go see him before he gets a lawyer?

Maybe we could make a settlement

and we could still keep the club.

Ah... o-oh, okay.

It's worth a shot.

Okay, good,

so we're going to go visit...

"Mr. Albert Moorehead" first thing in the morning.

Make that... second thing in the morning.

( knocking )

Come in.

Oh, wow.

Hi, Mr. Moorehead. We're the people...

I know.

You're the folks who own the club.

My mom told me you were coming.

Oh, yeah! We met her downstairs.

What a lovely lady.

( woman bellowing ): Keep that door open up there, Albie!

No monkey business!

Leave me alone! I got friends over!

That's right, Albie.

We are your friends.

At least, we'd like to be.

Yeah.

Hey, I see you have a Vu-Master.

I love these things.

May I?

( shrieking )

What's going on up there?

Albie, what did I tell you about monkey business?

There's nothing going on!

Shut up!

Um... Albie,

how are you feeling?

Because you look... just really good.

I'm a little sore.

Doctor says I hurt my...

you know, my...

my fanny.

( giggling )

Your... fanny?

Yeah, you know...

my heinie.

( giggling )

( forced giggling ) ( forced giggling )

Anyways, I don't blame you for being mad at me.

Mad at you? No...

Uh, uh... Albie, go on.

Well, I'd never been to a club before.

I only gave the doorman money

because I saw someone do it in a movie once.

Then I get in, and of course I'm so clumsy

I fall down and cause a big scene.

Uh... Albie...

Albie!

Don't be so hard on yourself!

You think you're the only guy who ever fell on his...

tushy?

( giggling ) ( giggling )

( giggles )

I'm warning you!

If I come up there

and that door isn't open...

Stop bothering us!

I hate you! I hate you!

You're nice.

Um... thanks.

You...

excuse us one minute, will ya?

I think I know how to make this whole thing go away.

Really? How?

Sleep with him.

What?!

Come on, come on!

It will just be three minutes tops, trust me!

Meanwhile, I'll be downstairs

diverting the Gorgon.

Albie!

Are your friends staying for dinner?!

( bellowing ): We already got plans!

Come on, come on.

What do you say?

What's going on?

Are you guys having secrets?

Aw... oh!

Oh, no. No. You know

we were just thinking...

we would like to do something for you.

That a girl. See you downstairs.

Get back here!

MOTHER: What the hell was that?!

Albie, was that a spaceship?

Are you nuts?!

Are you crazy?!

Leave us alone, you lunatic!

Anyways, Albie,

um, we were thinking

that we would like to pay all your medical bills

until the doctor fixes your... heinie.

( forced giggle )

( forced giggle )

( giggles )

And then, we'd like to...

give you a lifetime pass to Brian's.

See, that way

any time you'd want to come and party

with the coolest people on the island,

well, you'll just be our guest!

Come on! Me with all those groovy people

and girls and stuff?

No way!

It's true.

And all you have to do for us

is sign a little piece of paper.

It's called a liability waiver,

which says that you don't hold us responsible

for your... ( grunts )

( laughs )

( laughs )

And then just pull up a bar stool

and join the jamboree, okay?

Okay! Thanks.

You're welcome, Albie.

Is it okay if we come right back with the papers?

Sure. I'll sign anything you want.

I just have to run it by my mother first.

I still can't believe it.

Packed every night.

Ah, we were right.

This place is a money machine.

Albie!

Albie, over here!

Please, Albie!

Sorry, kids.

Uh, not tonight.

( woman bellowing ): Albie! Get inside!

I need help behind the bar!

Leave me alone!

I'm out here with my friends!

Now, remember: If anybody asks

we didn't go anywhere, we didn't see anything.

I'm not saying a word.

Good, because they wouldn't believe us anyway.

Exactly. Much better to act like nothing happened.

( voice cracking ): Just business as usual.

Okay. Well, I'll see you later.

Right.