Original subtitles

Okay, Roy. What'll it be?

Oh,

what's the difference?

Uh, the usual B.L.T.

Okay. Casey?

Same old chicken salad.

Okay. Brian.

(grunts)

Burger.

(groans)

No onions.

Fay?

I guess I'll have a tuna melt.

Guess again. I'm all out

of cheese.

What is that wonderful aroma wafting in here?

Oh, it smells like freshly baked bread.

Yeah, yeah,

and freshly roasted coffee

with just a hint of hazelnut.

(sniffs)

And meat.

(sniffs)

I smell meat.

ALL: Oh...

Carte blanche. Please!

People around here don't go for that fussy stuff.

They like plain old American food

served up with a side of good conversation.

Hey, Fay, you're in luck!

I just found a fresh can of cheese!

Oh! I never thought it could be like this.

I know. It's like my first time all over again.

Oh, wow.

Something smells delicious.

What is that smell?

Egg salad.

No. I know that smell.

Whoa. What is that?

HELEN: Oh, it's just a food cart.

Everybody's trying to make that poor woman feel welcome.

Move one cheek off that stool

and we're headed for court.

Joey, what are you doing eating Helen's cooking?

There's food over there.

I am perfectly happy

with Helen's delightful egg salad.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, thank God.

This time it's only a shell.

BRIAN: Hey, Antonio. What's up?

Me. I'm up.

I'm making a new start.

No more lonely Saturday nights lying in a dark room,

listening to the faucet drip, drip, drip

and wondering what's the point of going on.

Yeah? What are you going to do?

I'm volunteering

at the Suicide Hotline.

All right.

Party on!

It sounds like it's right up your alley.

I hear you.

I mean, who knows more about despair, misery

and human suffering than me?

I am so jazzed.

Hello. Excuse me...

Hey, man,

don't do it.

You don't even have to tell me the story.

The misery is etched in your face.

No. No, no, no.

Uh, I'm Antonio, the new counselor.

Aw! Sorry!

For a minute there, I thought I had a walk-in.

I'm Barry.

Welcome aboard.

Phone, chair, girly mags in the left-hand drawer.

Good luck.

Thanks, thanks. You know,

it's really a great honor to be able to help people

in their darkest hour.

Bottom left-hand drawer, you said?

(clicks tongue)

Suicide Hotline.

Yell-o.

Ah.

(phone rings)

Yell-o.

(ringing continues)

Suicide Hotline.

(ringing continues)

Hello, hello, hello. Suicide Hotline.

This is Antonio speaking.

Please still be there.

I'm Elise, and I, um...

I just need someone to talk to.

Ah, ah. Uh, I can do that.

Tomorrow is another day,

so you turn that frown upside down,

because when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

You just put on a happy face.

Um, maybe I just need someone to listen.

Oh. Okay, sure. Sure, I can do that too.

Go ahead.

Don't... don't, don't be afraid to open up, Elise.

Elise? Ah!

ELISE: ...and that's why I'm so depressed.

Oh... wow, who wouldn't be?

That-that-that's some story.

(sniffling): I just can't believe Eric dumped me.

We were together for four months.

I thought we were in love

(voice cracking): But when I came home tonight, he was gone!

Oh, that's rough.

Ah, maybe he was right to leave.

He always said I wasn't very interesting.

He-he said that?

Oh, well, if you want my opinion,

this Eric guy sounds like a real creep, you know?

I think you're better off without him.

Yeah, but it's not just Eric.

Guys always leave me.

I guess I'm just not pretty enough or smart enough.

Now, don't, don't you be so hard on yourself.

No. You know,

you're going to look back on this someday, and...

Oh, what the hell am I saying?

I've been there.

You know, being dumped sucks.

It's like-like someone reached in, ripped out your heart

and did a clog dance on it.

You just want to...

want to climb up to the top of a bridge and just...

That was so the wrong thing to say.

No! No, no, no. It wasn't. I...

You really understand

how I feel.

I didn't think anyone would.

I-I felt so alone.

Oh, no, no, no. You're not alone.

I'm... I'm here.

Thanks, Antonio.

(Elise sniffles)

You know, you're really good at this.

Nah. Me? You think so?

Yeah, yeah. How long have you been doing it?

Well, it's funny you should ask

because believe it or not,

tonight is my first time on the hot line.

Joe, I've got Black Forest ham...

I don't want...

Got creamy Jarlsberg,

with white wine Dijon, all on a fresh baguette.

Come on.

You know you want it.

No, I don't.

Why would I want that when Helen already made me...

something... brown?

Hello, boys.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh!

(Joe and Brian laugh wickedly)

Oh, I know that look!

There's only one thing that can put a smile

like that on a man's face!

What did you have off the cart?

A delectable puff pastry, but that's not why I'm smiling.

No, no. I had an incredible night

at the Suicide Hotline.

Is there any other kind?

Yeah. Did you get a call?

Ah, yes. In fact, I not only got a call,

I got a date.

Hey, hey! All right!

That's great, Antonio, but you know what?

You, uh, you want to be a little careful

'cause dating a co-worker can be kind of dicey.

Oh, oh. I wouldn't date a co-worker.

That... that would be inappropriate.

I'm, I'm dating a caller.

Hold on, hold on.

Are you telling me

that a woman called you at the Suicide Hotline

and you asked her out?

Yeah. So?

Technically, isn't that manslaughter?

Antonio, what's wrong with you?

Did no bells go off?

Bells? No! That's just for a jumper.

In my entire life,

I never thought I would hear myself utter these words:

Antonio, you can do better.

Oh, really? Because yesterday

I was this close to answering an ad:

"Mountain woman seeks mate."

Come on, Antonio.

No, no, no. You didn't talk to Elise.

I'm telling you, there is something special about her.

JOE: Okay, look.

All we're saying is that

you're asking for trouble dating a woman like this.

Uh, Antonio, there's an Elise here to see you.

Antonio?

Think there's any more on the ledge like her?

(sighs) Well, here we are.

Yeah. Here we are.

Listen, I'm sorry I spilled that red wine on your dress.

Oh, that's okay.

And the chicken scaloppine.

I'm sure it'll come out.

And the raspberry sorbet.

You know, I never really liked this dress anyway. Yeah.

Take care.

Maybe we'll, uh... we'll bump into each other one day.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

You don't want to see me again.

Well, I-I'm sorry that you didn't have such a good time.

Wait. Wait, wait. You...

You think I didn't have a good time?

It's okay. I mean, I understand why.

I yakked all the way through dinner.

You never even had a chance to talk.

Why do I always do that?

No. I-I-I loved hearing all your stories.

Oh.

Oh, so you just don't find me attractive.

That's okay.

What...? What...?

What world is this?

No... no...

How can you possibly think that?

You... you're beautiful.

People haven't stared at my date this much

since I took the big-face girl to the planetarium.

Well, I... Antonio, I don't know what you think, but, uh...

I haven't had a lot of success with guys.

Yeah. Right.

And I report all my tips.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I've had boyfriends.

Uh, the rock star...

a C.E.O., uh, a hockey player...

I'm tired of rich,

handsome, powerful, brilliant guys.

I like you.

Wow.

Maybe... maybe we do have something in common.

I've only dated washroom attendants

bag ladies and shut-ins.

Who knew, what I really needed was a beautiful woman.

Maybe I just needed a regular, average guy.

Well, i-i-if that's the guy you want, you've found him.

I don't mean this to sound like a come-on, but, baby,

I am the most run-of-the-mill schmo you'll ever meet.

Hi, Fay.

Welcome to Helen's Doo-Wop Diner.

So, what'll it be?

A Bee-Bop-A-Loo-La Burger?

Oh. Helen, face it.

Everyone knows the Bee-Bop-A-Loo-La Burger

is the same as the Sumo Burger you served Monday

when you were Helen's Taste of Tokyo Café.

Oh, sure. Go to the cart.

How do you know what's in that fresh-cooked turkey?

At least with mine, you can read the ingredients

right on the can.

Um, listen.

I didn't want to be the one to tell you this,

but I don't want you to hear it from anyone else.

What?

Right now Joe is in his office

with the shades drawn, and he's with...

(gasps) ...a portebello mushroom tart.

Oh, my God.

JOE: Oh, baby, mmm, mmm, that's good, oh.

Oh, yeah...

(gasps)

Joe!

Uh... Helen...

this is not what it seems like.

Oh, how could you?

Um, look, it...

It was just this one time.

It's never happened before, I swear.

I-I-I didn't even enjoy it.

How could you pay for something

that you could get at home for free?

Helen, look, I walk by it every day.

It's in my face.

I'm a man, Helen.

I have needs.

Well, I hope your little tart was worth it.

Look...

Look, if it means anything to you

I was thinking about your food the whole time I was eating it.

You can just save it.

I may not have fresh eggs

and I may not have fresh cheese

and I may not have fresh meat, but I have my pride.

(knocking)

Oh, no.

Come in.

Oh, it's you.

Hey. What's going on?

I'm in hell.

What's the matter?

It's Elise.

She dumped you, huh?

No. She's crazy about me.

Wait a second.

I'm, I'm not quite grasping the problem here--

seeing as Elise is a gorgeous woman

and your last girlfriend

was Pencil Patty who lived under the bridge.

Hey, hey, hey.

Patty and I had some laughs...

till... till she left me for Oil Drum Dave.

I'm telling you, I don't get this.

If Elise didn't dump you, then why are you so miserable?

Because I know the dumping is coming.

It's only a matter of time.

The woman's at the lowest point of her life.

That's why I look good to her.

A dead-end job,

a crummy apartment--

sure, that's going to turn her head.

The minute she gets a shred of confidence,

she'll take one look at me

and run screaming into the night.

Now, come on.

You don't know that.

JOE: You might be perfect for each other.

Come on, let's face it.

She's completely out of my league.

That is absolutely not true.

He's right. That is not true.

So, we're all agreed I'm going to get dumped.

Oh, the world spins, doesn't it?

Look, why don't just, you know,

enjoy it while it lasts?

Think of your relationship

like it's a roller-coaster ride.

It's fast, it's fun, and occasionally,

you get to be upside down.

Ah, I'm not a roller-coaster kind of guy.

They... they scare you and make you sick.

I like the little putt-putt boats.

You know, the steering wheels

don't really control those things.

Antonio, you missed my point.

No, no, I got it.

I-I just... I just can't enjoy this relationship

knowing it's going to end.

Well, hey, if it's making you feel that bad

then go break up with her.

Are you insane?

I'm crazy about her.

She's a goddess.

She's everything I want in a woman.

Brian, what do you think?

I think there's fresh dill in this in this panini.

I just... I just can't stand not knowing

when it's going to end.

You know, there must be something I can do.

All right, then you know what you should do?

Go over there and say, "Excuse me.

"Can you please tell me

when we're going to break up?"

That's it. (snaps fingers)

Finally, an idea I can wrap my mind around.

No, no, Antonio, I was just kidding.

No, no, no, no, it's perfect.

I'll find out exactly

when she's going to cut me loose, see?

At least that way, I'll know where I stand.

Believe me, the last thing I need

is another scene like the one

under the bridge with Pencil Patty.

(feigning accent): Here you go, amigo.

One Tijuana tuna melt.

Mmm! Mmm! Ohh! Mmm!

Muy bueno.

Okay, almost 5:00.

Cart lady should be here any minute.

BRIAN: Is she here yet?

Not yet.

I saved you a place in line.

Hey, no cut-sies!

Ow, ow, ow!

FAY: Oh, thank God, she's here!

Wait a minute.

Where's the cart?

I don't see the cart.

I'm moving the cart to Boston.

No, no, no, you can't do this to me.

You can't leave me.

I'm sorry, but I just can't stay in business here.

I need more volume.

More volume? Okay. I'll do my part.

I don't usually snack between meals

but I can change!

I can eat more.

Oh, me, too.

You know where I stand.

Look, I'm sorry, but I have to go.

BRIAN: Oh, sure. Oh, yeah.

Just walk away!

Yeah, sure, let us starve, why don't you?!

Now what are we going to do for food?

Buenos dias, amigos.

(knocking)

(deep inhale)

Antonio, hi.

I-I wasn't expecting you.

Don't worry.

This won't take long.

Listen, I... I just need to know

exactly when I'm getting dumped, okay?

Now, Fridays are good.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

And, Antonio, I can't think right now.

My-my ex-boyfriend is on his way over.

Okay. So today's the day.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, it's Eric.

Eric? You mean the guy who dumped you?

(knocking)

Eric.

Elise.

My God, I didn't realize how much I'd missed you.

Eric, really...

No, no, don't say anything.

I came to apologize.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, I don't know what I was thinking, leaving you.

I guess all I can say is, I felt so much for you, it scared me.

Eric... Not through.

Look, if you'd just give me another chance,

I swear, I'll do everything I can to make it up to you.

Eric, I don't know what to say.

Okay, ride's over.

Lift the bar and step out of the little boat.

No, Antonio. Please stay.

Elise, please, this is very personal.

Can't you ask the super to come back another time?

Super! Ha! That's a dream I gave up a long time ago.

Antonio is not the super.

He and I have been dating.

You've been dating this guy?

Elise, I am so, so sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Eric... Look, look, I know we've had problems,

but we can work them out.

I want you to come to New York with me.

I booked us on the next flight.

I... I don't know.

Eric, when you first left me,

I was pretty upset,

but these past few days, I've been pretty happy.

With what?

With him? Please!

Look, you actually think you have what it takes

to make her happy?

Well, maybe I do.

Oh, come on. I have an apartment on Fifth Avenue

with a Picasso over the fireplace.

Oh, really? I got a tiny studio apartment

with a Norman Rockwell place mat

I stole from a diner.

I have enough money in my pocket right now

to take her to Europe for a month.

I could work 30 years and never get her to Epcot.

I took her to Kauai for a week,

and we never left the bedroom.

I got the best eight minutes in the game, pal,

and I'm always done in time for Leno.

Stumped, huh?

No. Lost.

What the hell did we just do?

Elise, come on.

Let's go.

Elise, let's go.

Elise.

No.

ERIC: Don't be ridiculous.

Our flight leaves in half an hour.

And I said no! You're not listening.

That's the problem, Eric.

You never listen to me.

Okay, okay, you're a little emotional right now.

You need some time to think about this.

So I'll give you to the count of three.

One...

two...

three.

Okay...

six.

Four... five...

Oh, come on! I can't accept this.

I can't lose out to this guy!

You're not losing out to him.

This is not about him. This is about me.

Good-bye, Eric.

All right. All right.

Ten.

One...

two...

three...

four...

(giggles)

I can't believe I just did that.

I never thought

I would have had the courage to do that. That's wonderful.

I'm happy for you.

You know, for the first time,

in a long time, I feel really good about myself.

I mean, like I've got my old confidence back.

Your confidence, huh?

It's back.

Yeah, well, that brings us to my original point.

Uh... let's see. Uh...

Now, Monday I'm going to the dentist,

so I'll be in pain anyway.

What are you doing?

Planning the future.

Well, how about

we just take it one step at a time?

Hey, we still got 15 minutes till Leno.

15 minutes, huh?

Hey, I'm up for a marathon.