Original subtitles

Look at this flyer I just got

for a singles mixer at the community center.

Oh, they stuck one on your car, too?

Yeah! What a pitiful way to try and scrape up a date.

Oh, I know.

There's so many more civilized ways to meet people,

like dinner parties or cruises...

or jury duty.

I once hung a jury for three weeks

until a certain good-looking foreman said the magic words,

"Oh, all right, if it'll get us out of here."

You know how I like to meet women?

By pretending I'm choking in restaurants.

Waitresses have to give you the Heimlich. It's the law.

Of course, I always manage to cough up a little something

so I don't look like an idiot.

How hard up do you have to be

to drag yourself to some stupid singles mixer?

Hey, look at this great party I got invited to.

"If you're single, come and mingle

meet the special someone who will make you tingle."

Can you believe it?

Me, Antonio Scarpacci--

how did I finally make it on the "A" list?

You had a windshield.

Oh, Joe, these just came.

Thank you for my anniversary flowers.

Thank you for my anniversary flowers.

Helen, do you realize

that this is the only place we get any privacy anymore?

Let's take advantage of it.

Happy anniversary.

Oh... happy anniversary.

Hey, guys, we're ordering in

Chinese takeout tonight for the four of us,

and we need some money.

Wow! Look at those gorgeous flowers.

And when you buy the big one, what--

do you get that little dinky one for free?

Uh, anyway, we were thinking

Buddha's Veggie Feast for the women,

and then you and I could just share

the Szechwan pork.

Right, Joe?

Pork? Didn't you see Babe?

Have you learned nothing?

Hey, I love Babe...

on a plate with a little sweet and sour sauce.

Hey, Joe? Huh? Huh?

Brian, we're not having Chinese tonight.

It's our anniversary.

We're going to the 'Sconset Inn.

Oh, even better.

I love the 'Sconset Inn.

We forgot to tell you

one little thing about our dinner plans.

Yeah. We're going to the 'Sconset Inn,

and guess who's going to be there?

Not you!

And then after dinner,

we're gonna take a romantic stroll

along the pier with...

Again, not you!

Then we're gonna go home,

we're gonna open a bottle of wine

and we're gonna crawl into bed...

So not with you.

Guys, give us a break.

We need some privacy.

We have been stuck living with you

under the same roof for a year.

Okay, okay. I hear you, I hear you.

You know, a quiet, romantic dinner for two

at the 'Sconset Inn-- that's one way to go...

or-- and I think you're gonna get a big kick out of this--

the girls go ahead to the house,

they fire up the barbecue,

you and I go on a beer run,

we pick up a six-pack and some dogs...

We really have ourselves a party, huh?!

Now, that says "anniversary."

Well, that was just rude for the sake of rude.

So what are we doing tonight?

Well...

Hey, that movie Unzipped is playing downtown.

Unzipped--

I'm intrigued.

Um... it's a documentary

about Isaac Mizrahi, the fashion designer.

It follows his spring line from sketches to the runway,

and then it shows how he dazzled New York

with his use of faux fur.

Or... I could beat myself senseless with my own fist.

Brian, Casey, I need your help.

I'm going to this big singles mixer tonight,

and I was planning to wear a turtleneck with a blazer.

What do you think, too "playboy after dark"?

Whoa, whoa. Back up there, Hef.

You're going to singles mixer?

Got a personal invite.

They put it

under my left wiper blade

where they knew I wouldn't miss it.

Antonio, you can't go to this, man.

I mean, it's going to be a room

filled with pathetic, desperate, lonely people.

Add "horny" and I'm their boy.

A "singles mingle"-- can you believe that?

That's-That's as low as it gets.

I think we should go.

Are you insane?

Brian, you're such a coward.

I mean, you never take a chance.

You just sit there in your small, little world,

eating your greasy takeout and watching life pass you by.

You're right.

I do do that...

because I like it!

And I'll tell you, I'm going to do the same thing tonight

because I don't care whose anniversary it is,

I live there, too, and nobody's going to kick me out.

BRIAN: Hey, Joey, here's my final offer.

8:00 good for you?

Perfect.

(thunder crashing)

(both groaning)

Great...

Worst storm of the year, I'm at a singles mingle--

it's a sign, I tell you.

If the ocean turns to blood, I'll know the end is nigh.

Brian, I'm a little more than sick of your attitude.

If you don't want to be here, why don't you just leave?

You take one step and I'll kill you.

All right, all right, look...

before we go inside there

and take a ride on "It's a sad world"...

I think we should come up with, uh, some sort of code--

you know, something that says,

"I hate this, I told you so, let's go."

Fair enough. Okay, let's see...

it should be something subtle but to the point.

"Belly button."

What? Use it in a sentence.

Let's get the belly button out of here.

Oh, God, Brian,

give this a chance, will you?

Well, hello, you two sexy singles!

Belly button.

Hi! I'm Carol.

Welcome to my Singles Mingle, a magical night

that could change your life forever.

(coldly): That's four bucks a pop.

No refunds.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No pay, no peek.

All right, look, the only reason we're here

is because it's my brother's anniversary

and we got kicked out of the house.

I don't need this to meet women.

It's okay. We're not here to judge.

I'm sure you braved a torrential downpour and gale-force winds

because you have a full social life.

Just pay the lady.

Oh... damn! (thunder crashing)

I forgot my wallet.

Oh, well....

Uh, no.

Uh, that'll be for...

two.

There you go. All right.

Now, what are your names?

It's Casey...

Oh, no, no, no. No, No name tags.

Wally.

Have fun, Wally.

Look.

I'm wearing a name tag.

I've crossed a line

and there's no turning back.

Come! Walk with me.

(thunder crashing)

Hello... uh, Casey.

Oh. Hi... Mike.

This isn't too awkward, is it?

You read my mind.

So, um, what do you do, Mike?

Well, I'm a partner in a law firm,

but my real passion is music.

I play piano in a jazz band a couple of nights a week.

Really?! I love jazz.

No kidding?

(strained grunt)

Uh, yeah. I'm actually a big fan of Miles Davis.

Me, too.

I love his album Birth of the Cool.

(strained grunt)

Right. That's the one where he does

that great 20-minute version of...

belly button!

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Longhorn cheddar is, uh...

is a great... is a great cheese.

Would you excuse me, please?

Belly button, belly button!

Are you deaf?

All right, just shh.

Just grab my arm and start running,

but just know that if you fall,

I'm leaving you for dead.

CASEY: Oh!

Now there's a single worth mingling with.

Hey, hey! We both belly buttoned.

You can't leave me alone.

You're not alone.

Hi, Edwin.

Meet Casey.

Hi, Casey.

You're way too pretty to be at a party like this.

Oh. Well, thank you, Edwin.

That's very sweet.

Hooker, huh?

Uh, hi there.

Hello. What'll it be?

You know, I'd love a margarita,

and I know a great place where we can go get one.

Thanks, but I'm not supposed to socialize

with the guests.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. You think I'm one of them?

One of the desperate ones?

No, no, no, no. I'm not a guest.

I'm just here to keep a friend of mine company, that's all.

Oh, sure you are...

Wally.

No, no, no. They make you put this on at the door.

Wally's not even my real name.

Oh! What's on this thing? Cement?

Ah! You got to believe me.

I don't belong here.

Hey, buddy.

I should have known I'd see you here.

You dog! Huh?!

Oh, that's great timing, Antonio.

You just blew my chances with that bartender!

Okay. A little advice--

don't take it personally.

That was always my problem.

I was too sensitive.

Look around.

This room is a sea of babes.

One rejects you, it's, "No problem. Next."

Okay. Ground rules:

Tonight, you don't look at me,

you don't talk to me,

you don't come near me. You got it?

No problem, because I'm not going to take that personally.

Hi, there, pretty lady.

Your loss.

Moving on. Next.

Hey, pal. How you doing?

Hey, that's Edwin, isn't it?

Edwin, my man.

Lenny, you're looking good.

EDWIN: Oh, great.

Roy's here. The rest of us don't stand a chance.

All right, everyone.

Let the dames begin.

Whoa. Exqueeze me.

Fox at 12:00.

Hello.

I got an itch only you can scratch.

(yells)

Oh-oh-okay! I'm here because, believe it or not,

I have nothing else to do.

But why, why, why...

Oh, relax. Haven't you ever seen anyone

try a new look before?

Got your butt over here, didn't it?

Woo! Cochran, what is that perfume you're wearing?

Whoa.

It's called "Come Hither."

It's made with sheep pheromones.

They're known to attract the opposite sex.

Of what species?

(strained grunt)

Well, it seems to be working.

Hey. You're a tall drink of water, aren't you?

Beat it, worm.

Ouch! Not.

Well, well, Hackett, I'm glad to see

you're not letting a little thing like a marriage

get in the way of your social life.

Relax, Roy. Brian forgot his wallet.

I came here to give it to him.

Believe me, this is the last place in the world I want to be tonight.

ROY: Uh-oh. Too late, Hackett.

You're busted.

Joe, a little help, here.

Hey, guys, give the lady some space.

Gosh, what's taking so long?

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

I get it!

Swingles, huh?

You better take off those wedding rings.

This crowd finds out you're married,

they'll tear you apart.

However, this crowd...

knock twice and say you'd like to file jointly.

'Nuff said.

Come on. Let's find Brian

and get out of here before the weather gets any worse.

There he is. Brian.

Oh! Great. You've come to take me home.

Wait right here. I'll just get my things.

No, no. Not so fast, there... Wally.

I just wanted to give you this.

Didn't want you to have any excuse

to come home early and ruin our evening.

Okay, enough chitchat.

See you, Wally. Let's go, Joe.

(thunder crashing)

I'm sorry, but you can't leave.

Don't take me on, lady.

No, I mean the storm's gotten worse.

It's really bad out there.

Oh. And in here it's Mardi Gras?

The road's washed out.

No one's going anywhere for quite a while.

(thunder crashing)

Here's Mother and me in Atlantic City.

Here's Mother and me at the Club Med in Cancun.

And here's Mother and me

on our Caribbean vacation...

with her boyfriend!

(thunder rumbling)

Excuse me.

Joe... Helen,

I got some really bad news.

It is pouring out there.

The whole driveway is flooded.

I couldn't even make it to the car. We're stuck here.

You listen to me-- this is our anniversary,

and I am not spending it here at "Ripley's Believe It Or Not."

Look, Helen, let's face it,

I don't want to be here any more than you do,

but we have no choice.

Great.

It's my anniversary,

and I'm spending it at a single's mingle

because you had to bring Brian his wallet.

Wait a minute, are you saying this is my fault? No, not at all.

All I'm saying is we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

You know what? I resent that.

Our anniversary is as important to me as it is to you.

Oh, really? You wouldn't know that by the flowers.

What's that supposed to mean?

All I'm saying is

on her wedding anniversary,

what girl wouldn't dream of a cup of daisies?

Oh, really?

Well, did you take the time to read that cup?

Garfield says some very romantic things.

Oh, I'm glad you guys are still here.

I'd like you to meet Bob.

We've been having the loveliest chat.

Hey, Bob...

Hi.

(sniffing)

What is that stench?

God, is there a wet farm animal in here?

(clinking)

Oop, Bob, dropped something. Oh, uh...

A wedding ring? You're married?!

(crowd shouting) Shh...

Okay, pal, you know the rules--

you come in married, you go out carried.

Start walking.

I don't know you.

We never met.

(thunder crashing, crowd gasping)

CAROL: Don't panic. Everyone stay calm.

It's just the storm.

Did I mention there are no refunds?

Joe, there's someone else I want you to meet.

I can't believe she's still available.

Joe, this is Fay.

(thunder crashes, both screaming)

(both screaming)

You know what's really funny?

You think that I need this mingle to meet women.

Well, that is just hysterical.

(maniacal laughter)

Because I can meet any woman I want.

And you know why?

Because I'm a smart, sexy, sensitive guy.

You don't do better than me.

I've got women begging to go out with me.

Please! Please! Be one of those women!

Look, Wally...

My name is not Wally!

I'm not a Wally!

Do not call me Wally!

(sniffing)

What is that horrible smell?

Oh, my God.

I've got the stink.

The stink of desperation.

Well, "worthless little weasel" is a bit strong,

but hey, no problem.

(thunder crashing)

(sobbing): What's wrong with me?!

Well, time to break some hearts.

Attention, everyone, pick a partner.

It's time for the multiplication dance.

(crowd cheering)

(big band music playing)

Look, Helen, I don't want to fight.

Oh, me either.

Joe, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.

It's just that this is not what I pictured for our anniversary.

I know, I know.

But, look, at least we're together.

Change!

Hey, wait a minute, what are you doing?

I was dancing with her.

It's the multiplication dance.

When Carol yells "change," we switch partners.

That way we all get a taste.

Hey, hey, just...

keep your hands where I can see them.

Hi. Would you like to..?

Excuse me, but...

No, huh?

Looking good.

And here's a picture of Mother and me

at the mineral baths.

(thunder crashing, Helen screams)

CAROL: Change!

Oh, thank you, Carol.

Look, no more tag.

Wally is dead.

Now, will you go out with me?

Look, Wally, you're not an unattractive guy.

Just don't try so hard.

I mean, you come off a little desperate.

(scoffs) Me, desperate?

Yeah, right. (thunder crashing)

Oh, man!

I'm such a loser...

Change!

I've been watching you all night, Antonio,

and I'm going to do something I've never done

in the 20 years I've been running Singles Mingles.

Oh, really?

You've... You've been saving me for yourself, huh?

No. I'm giving you a refund.

And there's another 20 in it for you

if you'll wait out the storm in my office.

All right! Party of one heading for the office.

(thunder crashing)

I'll be back!

And I know all your names!

Bye-bye.

All righty, everyone gather 'round

for the midnight mingle's raffle.

Look, Joe.

In two minutes, our anniversary will be over.

I can't believe we spent it here.

Okay, look, I'll tell you what-- we'll go out tomorrow night,

we'll pretend that's our anniversary

and none of this ever happened.

It happened, Joe. Face it.

I mean, you only get one first anniversary

in your entire life, and ours is ruined.

The lucky winners of a romantic dinner for two

at the 'Sconset Inn are...

Mike...

Okay, look, I know that we wanted

to spend the evening alone together.

Didn't happen,

but nobody is going keep me

from giving you an anniversary kiss.

Well, you better do it while no one's looking.

And our lucky gal is Helen!

Oh, perfect!

I was really hoping it would be...

(grunting)... you.

It's a match!

And don't they make a cute couple?

Mike, Helen, how about a dance?

It could be the first dance of the rest of your lives.

("In the Mood" playing)

Wait a minute.

He's not dancing with her and he's not taking her out.

I've got something I want to say

and don't care what you people think.

Helen and I are married...

(crowd gasping)

...married to the idea that singles mingles really work.

I know now that you can look across a room like this

and see the person you want to spend

the rest of your life with,

just like I'm doing right now.

Helen, I've wanted to be alone with you all night.

And I want to be alone with you for the rest of my life.

I know this is kind of sudden, but will you marry me?

(crowd sighing)

I love you so much.

Yes, I'll marry you.

It's a match!

And don't they make a cute couple?

Joe, Helen, it's time

for the first dance... of the rest of your lives.

(music resumes)

(thunder crashing)

BRIAN (sobbing): I'm so lonely!

WOMAN: Nobody loves a really big woman!

EDWIN: When will Mother die?!

JOE: Happy anniversary, honey.

HELEN: Happy anniversary, Joe.