Original subtitles

Helen, you're not going to believe

what I witnessed last night.

What? Well, uh,

I was over at the town pharmacy

standing at the cosmetics counter,

you know, checking out the new tweezers.

Tweezers?

You tweeze?

What do you tweeze?

What don't I tweeze?

Well, I never tweeze.

Yeah, I know. Anyway...

I'm at the counter,

and I see Fay standing at the other end,

but she doesn't see me.

So then all of a sudden,

I spot her take a lipstick off the counter

and place it in her purse.

What?

What are you saying?

Fay stole a lipstick?

I haven't seen hands work that fast

since I got rolled at my cousin's wedding.

Oh, Antonio, don't be ridiculous.

We're talking about Fay here.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation

for what happened.

Hi, Fay.

Hi. Is that a new shade of lipstick?

Yes, it is.

I was in the store

and it just called out to me.

Yeah. It said, "Make your move.

The security guy's in the can."

Look at her over there.

Sweet, lovable,

innocent Fay.

What a front.

Antonio, stop it.

You and I both know Fay is not a thief.

Is she?

No. No.

Of course not.

Where you going?

I saw her casing my locker.

One turn of a bobby pin,

and I'm out a clean undershirt and a Baywatch Thermos.

Hey, Helen, you forgot to give me your wedding ring.

If I'm going to get your jewelry appraised

I'm going to need all of it. Oh, right.

Hi, Fay.

New lipstick?

Yeah, it was a steal.

What do you got there?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, no. It's Helen's jewelry.

I'm taking it to be appraised.

Oh, can I see?

Sure.

Take a gander at them poils.

How do you think they'd look on me...?

Oh, just sensational.

Yeah. Boy, you can wear anything, Fay.

Oh, and how about these matching earrings?

Oh, let me see.

Oh, they just look adorable on you.

Hey, Helen, what's wrong with you?

You seem jumpy.

Oh, no, I'm not jumpy at all.

Don't be ridiculous-- get these out of here.

If she follows you, swallow them.

We can always go to the appraiser next week.

Hey.

Look at me, Joe.

Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

I'm a dinosaur.

I'm extinct. Yeah.

First, there was Neanderthal Man

then there was Cro-Magnon Man

and one day, when they excavate a T.G.I. Fridays,

they'll find me-- Single Man.

Is this gonna be a long rant?

I just need to know so I can plan my day.

This is an invitation

to my last single friend's wedding.

I mean, who'd have thought that Dave McCall

would get married before me, huh?

D-Dave McCall is getting married?

That's weird.

I didn't get an invitation

and you met Dave through me.

Makes me think that life's passing me by, you know?

Ah, well, I'm sure my invitation's in the mail.

I'll probably get it tomorrow.

Actually, mine came a week ago.

I just opened this today.

A week ago?

How come a guy

like Dave McCall can settle down and I can't?

Remember his nickname-- Dave "Had 'Em All" McCall?

I gave him that nickname.

The invitation said "Brian Hackett and guest."

Uh... there ain't no "and guest"

in my life, you know?

And you know what this means.

I'm going to be seated at the sad singles table.

It'll be me, a couple of portly cousins

and his Uncle Bobby, the "confirmed" bachelor, huh?

I don't get this.

Dave and I are good friends.

After college, we drove cross country together.

We ate beans out of a can.

We slept in a Vega hatchback.

You don't get closer than that.

Hey, is anybody else going to go to this McCall thing?

Roy... you're invited, too?

I didn't even know you knew Dave.

Yeah. I met him at your wedding.

At the Hoover Dam,

we smoked a doobie and couldn't feel our legs.

You know what?

This invitation is a wake-up call.

If Dave can do it, so can I.

From this moment on,

no more one night stands, no more frivolous relationships.

I want to find someone who...

Finishes your sentences.

Right. Right.

Someone who on a Sunday morning you could...

Cuddle with and read the newspaper.

Right. Someone...

You can share your future with and build your hopes and dreams.

Exactly.

I-I-I-I-I better go look for that gift.

What do you think, Joe?

Is there somebody out there for me

or am I too late?

I sucked rattlesnake venom out of his leg

in Death Valley.

Come on, I'm hurting, man.

You? You know what venom tastes like?

I'll tell you right now-- not chicken.

Joe, I'm serious.

I want to get married, you know, have children.

I'm not getting any younger.

I don't want to go to a little league game

and have to tell my son that I missed his home run

because Nurse Nancy was changing me

in the back of the minivan.

Well, then, Brian, I hope you get what you want

'cause there's nothing as rewarding as a relationship

where the bond is so strong words don't need to be spoken.

I thought I had that with Dave.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

Any luck with that invitation?

No. I went down to the post office and made them look again

and, uh, when they couldn't find it

I asked them very nicely

if I might sift through a few bins.

And when they said "no,"

I became what Sergeant Robbins described as "belligerent."

She thought she was so tough.

You have got to calm down.

You are completely overreacting.

All right, okay.

What are you doing?

Fay's about to take her break.

I've got way too much cash lying around.

Joey. Joey.

You're not going to believe

what just happened.

My invitation came.

Well, not yet.

Anyway, remember how I said

that I wanted to look for a woman

with my heart, you know?

Well, I found her, I found her, and you'll never guess where.

On our plane, man.

On the Boston run.

We-We made a connection.

She's special, Joey.

Really? What's she look like?

(laughing)

See? Now you sound like

the old me.

I mean, what's the difference what she looks like?

I mean, looks are so overrated anyway.

That's always been my problem.

It's what's in here that counts.

Hey, Brian, it was nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you, too.

So, um, see you tonight?

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

All right, me too.

That's her?

That's the woman you found by looking with your heart?

Uh-huh. So?

(chortling)

I love you, Brian.

Don't ever change.

What are you doing that for?

Come on, I can't believe I almost fell for it.

"I want a deeper relationship.

"I want to get married.

I've changed."

Well, I have. Oh, come on, Brian.

Face it-- you don't date women.

You date bodies.

You see a pretty face, you move right in.

Admit it-- you're going to sleep with her

and move on.

And that's okay. That's Brian.

Just don't tell me that you've changed.

I'm an usher at Dave's wedding.

What?

Hurts, doesn't it?

(piano playing softly)

Thank you.

Thanks.

I can't believe you picked this place.

Is it all right?

Are you kidding?

I've been wanting to come here forever.

It's like you read my mind.

Go on. Read it again.

Well, okay.

Uh, let's see...

"He's cute, he's funny.

And if that's not a hair weave, I'll marry him."

So, Brian, tell me everything about yourself.

Well...

Oh, my God. I cannot believe I just said that.

It sounds like such a first date cliché.

Hey, hey, hey,

clichés are clichés because they're true.

Okay, now, uh... all about myself.

All right, well, let's see...

I was born and raised here...

Oh, my God!

What?

Breadsticks!

I love breadsticks!

Go on.

Okay, uh...

where was I?

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm a pilot,

and I'm obviously single.

But, uh, more importantly

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately,

and I've come to the realization that I want to settle down

with someone, and I want

some permanence in my life.

So, what about you?

I'm a temp.

I float from job to job, and I love it.

Uh-huh, okay.

Okay, well, that's like a cousin of permanence...

impermanence.

You are so funny, Bri-Bri.

Wha-What did you just call me?

Bri-Bri.

Is it okay if I call you Bri-Bri?

Why-Why?

It's just a thing I do.

I like to give nicknames to people that I care about.

It kind of makes me feel closer to them.

Well, then, um, Bri-Bri would be honored

if you called him...

Bri-Bri.

Anyway, Bri-Bri,

there's something I really need to ask you.

Dani, I want us both to be completely open

and honest with each other, okay?

So you just, you ask me anything.

Okay.

Can I have your breadsticks?

(laughing): Oh, that's good.

No, really, ask me.

Again?

All right.

Can I have your breadsticks?

Oh, you're serious, huh?

You really like them sticks, huh?

I love them!

(Piano playing "Up Where We Belong")

Oh, my God!

It's all right. Don't panic.

Here you go.

No, it's that song.

It's so moving.

I just love it.

Yeah, it's a great song.

(humming loudly)

Love lift us up where we were wrong

That's very nice.

Where the eagles die

And the mountains fly...

Breadstick?

Thanks.

I'm really glad you asked me out.

You are?

Yeah, I mean, it's really hard

to find a nice guy.

And even though we just met

I feel like you and I have a lot in common.

Yeah?

Well, maybe we do.

For instance, tomorrow is Sunday, you know,

and you know what's great to do on a Sunday morning.

No. What?

Well, what's great to do on a Sunday morning

is to cuddle with someone and, uh...

And... and what?

And...

read the Sunday new...

Sunday new...?

New... new...

new... new... New... new...

Oh, I get it, Bri-Bri.

It's baby talk!

New-new-new-new-new!

No, no, no.

No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

I love this!

New-new-new-new-new!

No, I... I... I...

I-I-I-I-I-I-I!

No, no...

No-no-no-no-no-no!

No, please stop.

Uh... Dani, I'm sorry.

I just...

I have to tell you something.

Before this goes any further

I got to be real honest with you.

Well, what is it?

Well, I... I...

(piano continues)

I, uh...

I love this tune.

Love lift us up where we were wrong

BOTH: Where the eagles die

And the mountains...

Oh, look.

A Monet was stolen last night

from the Boston Museum of Fine Art.

Anybody know what Fay was up to?

HELEN: Why don't you just

go over there and ask her

exactly what happened in that drugstore?

You're right. You're right.

What am I going to say?

Well, you're her friend.

You'll find the right words.

That's lovely lipstick, Fay.

Thank you...

Why did you steal it?

What?

Are you accusing me

of stealing a two-dollar lipstick?

Now that I say it out loud, it does seem ridiculous.

I mean...

Well, you're right.

I did steal it.

You did?

Why, Fay?

It was the rush, baby, the rush.

I was standing in that store with the lipstick in my hand

and suddenly I thought

"What if I don't pay for it and just stick it in my bag?"

And the more I thought about it,

the more my heart started beating,

my palms were sweating.

I never felt so alive!

So I lifted it.

I walked out into the sunshine, put on my crimson crush

and never looked back.

Well, the important thing is

you feel all that remorse.

Yeah.

Yeah, remorse.

Hey, Roy, what you got there?

It's a wedding gift for that friend of yours--

what's his name?

David Thornton Patrick McCall.

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, I went down to where they were registered.

200 Items on the list.

The only gift left was this bread maker.

Man, who isn't going to that wedding?

What's with your leg?

Well, last night

Dani and I went country western dancing

and some C.P.A. in lizard boots kicked me

during the cowboy cha-cha.

Country and western dancing?

You?

Wow. The sex must really be worth it.

When did life turn you so cynical?

The day I sat on my front porch

waiting for an envelope that never came.

Well, first of all, that's just very sad.

And second... Dani and I

haven't even slept together yet.

Oh, come on, Brian.

It's true. I'm just taking it slow.

I want to get to know her first.

You're serious, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

I mean, I never took the time to get to know a woman,

and now that I have, I tell you

it makes all the difference in the world.

Wow.

I guess I owe you an apology.

What can I say, man?

I hope she's the one.

I hate her!

What?

Hatred!

Hate! Hate!

She is the most annoying human being on earth.

I hate the way she calls me Bri-Bri.

I hate the way she sings the wrong lyrics.

"Love lift us up where we were wrong!"

Oh, I hate with the baby talk.

No-no-no-no, new-new-new-new.

I-I-I-I don't care how sexy she is.

She's never going to finish my sentences.

That's it.

I need to not be with her anymore.

Look, Brian... Please, spare me.

I know what you're going to say.

"Brian, you haven't changed a bit."

Well, I don't care. No, I was gonna say

that you have changed.

The old Brian wouldn't have cared how annoying she was.

He would have tuned it out and slept with her anyway.

Oh, I know. It was a gift.

So, uh, what are you going to do?

Well, I'm supposed to see her tonight.

But what do you think?

I'm going to go over there and end it.

Good for you.

Oh, listen, since you and Dani

aren't seeing each other anymore...

Forget it. I'm not taking you to the wedding with me.

Helen?

Dave!

Hi. How are you?

Well, pretty upset.

I just found this in my car.

It must have slipped under the seat

when I went to mail all my wedding invitations.

Oh, so that's what happened to it.

I hope you and Joe didn't think that you weren't invited?

Oh, no, no, no.

Boy, he just thought it was some silly mix-up.

You guys are close friends.

You know what he thinks of you.

Leave a message at the beep.

Hi, Dave.

You selfish, pathetic freak!

Remember me, Joe Hackett, the guy that wasn't invited

to your stupid wedding?!

You know, I should have just turned the other way

and let that motorcycle gang in Flagstaff

pass you around like they wanted to.

But no, I had to pull the Vega around

and trade you for all my beer.

Oh, by the way, your wedding is a farce, yeah.

All your friends know it.

Oh, and we've got a little pool going.

The odds are 5 to 1

she cheats on you in the first year,

you pathetic, sorry loser!

So in case it hasn't sunk in yet,

I hate your guts!

(knocking)

Dave?

Hey, buddy, guess what I have.

Hah.

(doorbell rings)

Hi there.

Ho there.

Come on in.

Listen, uh, Dani, uh...

about tonight... I don't think

it's such a good idea if we go out.

You know, I was thinking the same thing.

You were?

Yeah.

I think it's time we, uh...

stayed in.

Oh, yes? Oh, yes.

All righty.

Look, Dani, I really have something

I have to talk to you about.

What is it?

What is what?

Ooh, Bri-Bri!

Okay, I think it just came back to me.

Look, Dani, uh...

I've been thinking an awful lot

about our relationship.

So have I.

And I am so glad we took the time out

to get to know each other.

That's why this feels so right.

Oh, right.

So right.

All righty.

Righty-dighty.

Oh, ho.

Oh, no, no, no.

No-no-no-no!

No, no, no.

No-no-no-no-no!

I... I... I... I-I-I-I-I-I!

No-no-no-no-no!

Wait, Dani, Dani, please.

Please, I'm sorry. This...

this just isn't, uh...

this-- this isn't right.

Well...

what isn't...

right?

Huh?

What? Who said that?

I'll kill them!

You know, I think I know what you mean

about this not being right.

You do?

Yeah.

I think we should take this into the bedroom.

Okay... the bedroom.

Good idea.

Mm-hmm.

Here we go.

Come on, Bri-Bri...

Oh, oh, wait. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Dani. I'm sorry.

I really have to tell you something.

My God, you are the sexiest, most beautiful woman

I have ever been with.

But lately

I've been doing a lot of soul searching

and I really need to change...

the pattern of my life.

It's just better for my growth as an individual.

I don't want to be the old Brian anymore.

What I'm... what I'm trying to say is...

This is harder for me than I thought.

Um, do you have a glass of...

Water?

Did you say "water"?

Yeah.

You finished my sentence.

So?

Works for me!

DANI: Love lift us up where we were wrong

Where the eagles die

And the mountains fly...

I can't believe I actually shoplifted--

just for a cheap thrill.

Oh, don't beat yourself up over it.

The important thing is, you'll never do it again.

Oh, I certainly won't.

I just thank God I wasn't caught.

Never felt so alive, huh?

200 Hours of community service

just for lifting one lousy tweezer.