Original subtitles

Oh! Here, Antonio,

let me help you with that.

Wow. That's heavy.

What's in here?

All that remains of my late uncle Bernardo.

Ah!

I hope we've learned

a little something about volunteering.

No, no. These are his personal effects.

My family wanted me to have them.

They always said Uncle Bernardo and I

were alike in so many ways.

Oh. That's sweet.

What did he do?

Uh, he was a poor, pathetic wretch of a man.

He cut hair for 50 years,

lived in one room behind his shop

never married and died alone.

I don't know if you look like him

but you sure got the lifestyle down.

Well, let's see what priceless family heirlooms

I've inherited.

Some old letters...

Ah. His old arch supports...

Oh. They're scented.

You're right.

No. No, Antonio, the letters.

And lovely handwriting, signed "con amore."

Apparently your uncle was having quite an affair

with some woman named "Gina."

No way.

Yeah.

Let me see that.

"G. Lollobrigida"?

Oh, my God!

Gina!

Gina Lollobrigida!

These are love letters from Gina Lollobrigida!

When I was growing up,

she did make a movie in the next town

and Bernardo used to go and watch.

What's going on?

Well,

it seems my Uncle Bernardo

was having an affair with Gina Lollobrigida.

( wheezing laugh )

Your uncle and the sexiest movie star in Italy?

Well, I'm not surprised.

Did I ever tell you about my mom and Warren Beatty?

That's still going on, you know.

Oh, did I ever tell y'all

about the time that Michael Dukakis

was running for president

and his cousin, Olympia Dukakis

came into this very airport

sat on that very stool and said

"Great cup of coffee."

"Are you sure you're not Greek?"

I told you that already?

Look, we live on this little island.

We see each other every day.

Let's face it:

We have absolutely nothing new

to tell each other.

Hey, Joe.

Oh, Helen, did I tell you we got

the neighbors' mail by mistake?

Really?!

Sit right down.

Tell us all about it.

Well, okay. I guess it is pretty interesting.

Well, it all started out this morning

when I went out to get the mail.

The first letter I opened was from the electric company

and I thought, we do not average 80 kilowatt-hours a month.

Then I realized...

...it was a two-month bill.

So she thought you were Greek, huh?

Those were her very words.

Sat right there.

Wait, wait, you didn't let me get to the best part.

Really? You mean you can top that kilowatt thing?

Well, listen, I took the mail over to the neighbors,

we got to talking.

They seemed like nice people

so I invited them over to dinner tonight.

That's great. That's a good idea.

I want to get to know our neighbors

and do all that great neighbor stuff,

like having them borrow our lawn mower

or feed our dog, or watch our kids.

FAY: I have a nice neighbor,

Old Mrs. Babcock.

A lovely widow. We've been friends for years.

Well, at least I thought we were

but lately, she's been snubbing me.

I haven't seen or spoken to her in weeks.

I've left messages on her machine.

She doesn't call back.

I pound and pound on her door, no answer.

Newspapers are piling up.

The TV is on 24 hours a day

like she can't just get up and...

Excuse me.

Hello, there.

What's up?

Oh, nothing much.

I met the people who live next door.

Yeah, he invited them over for dinner.

Oh, no. No, no. Big mistake. Big mistake.

You get too friendly with your neighbors,

you never get rid of them.

Here, observe:

The only correct way to greet a neighbor, all right?

Yeah.

Well, Brian, they're coming over. That's it.

Well, I mean, I live there, too, you know.

Don't make me put my foot down.

Put your foot down?

All I'm saying is...

No, no. Listen--

you are a guest in my house.

You have no say.

You have no foot.

But...

You have no "but."

Uh, Joe, I'll be back in about an hour.

Where you going?

I have to go downtown and... identify something.

And Ms. Olympia Dukakis sat right there,

and she said, "Great cup of coffee."

are you sure you're not Greek?

( laughing )

That's wonderful.

Barbara, I've got to tell you something--

this is the best peach cobbler I have ever had.

Oh, please call me Babs.

And I have a teensy confession to make:

I found out peach cobbler was your favorite

form your lovely wife, who's just a peach herself.

Oh, stop.

Thanks, Babs.

More coffee?

Love some! Love some!

Oh! Oh!

( laughing )

Oh, Brian, hey.

Uh, Steve, Barbara, this is my brother, Brian.

Hi, brian. Hi, brian.

Yeah.

He seems nice.

Yes, he does.

Well, look, we hate to call it an evening

but we've got to kind of get up early tomorrow, so...

Thank you for such a wonderful time.

That Dukakis story is a killer.

STEVE: Oh, geez, I almost forgot.

Uh, in case of an emergency,

um, we'd like you guys to have a set of our keys.

Oh, oh. Okay. Are you sure?

Joe, yeah. Sure, we'll take your keys.

Great.

And, uh, now, how about yours?

Ou-Ours..?

Oh. I mean, I guess...

Well, we totally understand.

I mean, if you don't, you know... trust us... yet.

Oh, no. No, of course.

Let me... let me get you a set.

Well, if you can't trust your neighbors....

STEVE: That's right!

Terrific. Buddy.

Big guy.

Come here.

Helen.

And you come here. Come on.

Babs.

Night.

Bye-bye.

Good night. Take care.

Thanks again.

Joe! We have neighbors!

Yes, we sure do.

You think it was just a little weird, though,

that we exchanged keys?

I mean, we just met them.

Joe, I know these people.

They're honest people.

They're good people.

They're people that appreciate

a good Dukakis story.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Anyway, it's like Steve said--

it's only in case of an emergency.

Oh! Geez.

Oh, honey.

Darn it. I just bought these pants.

Take 'em off, and I'll just throw 'em in the washer.

( key turns in lock )

oh.

Uh...

We almost forgot.

Uh, tomorrow night. Our place.

8:00 sharp.

Don't be late.

Giddy-up, big guy.

( clicks tongue )

So, uh... we're on for tomorrow?

I can't believe I'm going out with a man

I just met in a cab.

Yeah, but you never met a Scarpacci before.

A domani.

Ciao.

Oh, close your mouths.

I'm simply following in the footsteps

of that legendary lover...

Uncle Bernardo.

It's all in the genes, baby.

Uncle Bernardo had it, I've got it,

and tomorrow night...

I'm giving it away.

Ah! Joey, guess where we're going tonight.

( playing blues lick )

Our separate ways?

No. I've got four tickets to the blues festival

in Boston tonight, so what do you say--

you, me, Casey, and Helen go...

Sorry, but Helen and I

are doing something with the neighbors.

Two nights in a row?

No, you can't do this, Joe.

You cannot do this.

You're turning into a suburban geek.

You're one step away from hosting a Tupperware party.

( knock at door )

Hiya, buddy boy.

Hey, Steve, come on in.

Oh, hi, Brian.

( grunting ): Yeah.

He's okay.

Hey, what's up, man?

Well, uh, I know we're on for tonight

and everything, but, uh...

well, I just couldn't wait to give you this.

Wow!

CDs!

Mm-hmm.

"Peaches and Herb"!

This is so great.

Hey, listen, if there's ever something I can do for you...

Oh, come on, please. That's not what this is about.

Don't worry about it. Oh, great, Well, okay, then,

I guess I'll see you... Well, maybe there is something.

Sure. If there's something I can help you with.

I need five grand by Tuesday.

Wha-What?

How did I get in so deep?

Oh!

I'm weak! I'm weak! That's what it...

I'm sorry, man.

I don't want to lay this on you, really.

Okay. Well...

thanks for the CDs.

It's, uh... it's gambling, Joe.

I got myself a little problem with the ponies.

Well, that... sounds really bad.

Hey, hey...

don't you judge me, man.

Okay?

Listen, I just think

that maybe you should talk to Barbara.

Barbara? No!

Are you crazy? Barbara?

If Barbara found out, she'd leave me.

Don't you understand?

You're the only one in the world I can turn to.

Okay, listen, Steve, I can sympathize with your dilemma...

Yeah, here comes the big "but", right? Okay.

No, no, no. No "buts"...

but with the new house and all the expenses...

Yeah, right. Okay, look--

I'm gonna be fine. I'm sure I can tap-dance for these goons

a little bit longer.

I mean, it's not like we're totally out of silverware.

I could probably melt down another spoon or two.

That's fine.

Okay. That sounds like a plan.

Okay, shake it off, Stevie, shake it off.

There you go.

( sighing ): Okay.

Ah, well... great.

I'm looking forward to tonight.

Yeah, uh, Steve...

about tonight...

What about it?

About... 8:00?

Let's make it 7:30.

You and me can catch the end of the game.

I got two big ones riding on it... my legs.

( doorbell rings )

I hope you don't mind-- I just saw you get home.

I thought we could have a little tea

and blackberry jam together.

Oh, wow! I love blackberry jam.

I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.

Oh, please.

I use the "open kettle" method.

What's four hours out of the day?

No biggie.

Open kettle method?

I usually just open a jar.

( both giggling )

This is nice...

Helen? Mm-hmm?

Can I ask you something? Surely.

How often do you and Joe have intercourse?

Steve hasn't touched me in ten months.

Toast point?

Thanks.

Can I get an honest opinion?

Sure.

You think my breasts are too small?

Mmm... no, no, no.

Okay, you can go ahead

and cover those babies up now.

Now you sound like Steve.

You okay?

You seem a little nervous.

Uh-uh.

Oh, wait a minute...

okay... this all makes sense now.

You're boinkin' Steve, aren't you?

Oh, would you listen to me? My God!

Where would you have the time for Steve

what, with you and Joe going at it all the time?

What?

Oh, I've been watching.

I see those bedroom lights going off around 10:00

and that glow I see isn't from the TV--

winky, winky.

Helen, you would not believe...

oh... hi, Babs.

Hi, Joe.

Oh, my gosh, what am I doing sitting here?

People are coming over for dinner in a couple of hours.

I got to get home and baste the bird.

Oh! Better bring your own spoons.

I seem to be running short.

Listen to me--

I know how much you like Babs... No, listen to me....

No, no, no, listen, listen-- her husband is a psychopath

whose only redeeming quality is his taste in music.

She is crazier than he is.

What-- really? Are you sure?

Trust me. I know Babs.

I know more than I want to know about Babs.

I know Babs' boobs.

Okay, all right.

That's enough information.

We got to stop this dinner.

There's no way we're spending another evening

with these people.

How are we gonna get out of it?

Well, I think that's pretty simple.

We just make up an excuse, and we stay home.

No. They'll see through it.

They watch us, Joe.

They watch us real good.

All right, then we'll say that you have a sick aunt,

and we'll go spend the night in Boston.

No. We are not gonna let

those horrible people

force us to spend the night away from our home.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

We're not going to let them push us around

and take away our dignity.

HELEN: I can't believe we are sneaking into our own house.

How's your leg?

It's bad, Joe.

The Hendersons' dog really clamped on.

No, no, no!

No lights.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think they bought the sick aunt story?

Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't they?

(latch clicking)

Freeze, scum! Right there!

One more step and your brains are on the wall!

Okay, on the floor, spread-eagled!

Move it! Now! Now! Now! Now!

Hands up where I can see 'em.

All right, cuff 'em, Babs.

Wait a minute! Wait, don't shoot!

Don't shoot. It's us.

All right, hold your fire.

It's Helen and Joe!

Hi, neighbors.

What are you guys doing back?

I thought you said you'd be away all night.

Um... Uh... well...

Good news.

Yeah.

Uh, Aunt Sophie died,

so there was no sense in hanging around.

Uh-huh, okay.

Well, I think I know what's going on here.

You people just wanted out of the evening, didn't you?

There's no dead Aunt Sophie, is there?

Well...

Is there?!

Listen, we're very sorry.

We didn't mean to...

Hey, whoa-- save it, sister, okay?

You want to be those kind of neighbors? Well, fine.

We can be those kind of neighbors too.

Sweet dreams.

Hello, friends.

Is the, uh, 2:00 flight from Boston on time?

I think so.

Are you expecting someone?

Just a little lady who's fallen victim

to the legendary Scarpacci charm.

Antonio, what a beautiful watch.

Where'd you get it?

It's just part of the legacy left me

by my late great Uncle Bernardo.

There's a compartment in the back

and it has a picture inside.

Really? I didn't even notice.

Ah, there's Uncle Bernardo.

That hound.

Who's the guy next to him with his arm around him?

My, what a handsome man.

Oh. Look.

There's something written on the back.

"My darling Bernardo,

our love will last till the end of time."

"Forever yours, Gino."

Let me see that.

( laughing ): Oh, sure.

Your uncle was having an affair

with Gino Lollobrigida, not Gina.

( laughing )

Gino?

Not Gina?

That's... that's not as good.

Joe.

Don't shoot!

No, honey. It's just me.

I'm sorry. I'm just tired

from guarding the house last night.

About 4:00 a.m., a car backfired.

I beat the crap out of a lawn jockey.

Oh, man, that blues festival was fantastic.

I got the blues.

( scatting )

Yeah. 12 solid hours of songs

about desolation, destitution, desperation.

I didn't know whether to dance or hang myself.

( scatting )

Then, he'd do that, and I'd think, "hang myself."

So, how was last night with Fred and Ethel?

Brian, it was a nightmare.

They burst through the door with shotguns,

threw us on the ground,

tried to cuff us and threatened our lives.

All right, all right.

You don't have to be so snide.

I was wrong about them, okay?

No. No. Brian, she's serious.

Those people are dangerous.

Really?

That-that-that sounds terrible.

Well, I guess you might say

You got the bad neighbor blues.

That's not helping.

Right down to my shoes

I got the bad neighbor blues.

What are we going to do, Helen?

I keep running their words

over and over again in my mind.

"We can be those kind of neighbors, too."

Only one language whackos like that understand.

What?

We are going to pucker up and kiss their behinds

until they like us again.

Complete and total submission?

Damn!

What's wrong?

Well, I'm the man.

I should have thought of it.

( doorbell ringing )

Okay.

Uh, won't you come in, please?

Your call, Steve.

Let's play it out... wherever it goes.

Rice Krispie squares?

I believe Barbara baked you cobbler.

We are wasting our time.

No, wait a minute.

You're our neighbors,

and we have to figure out some way to live peaceably.

I think maybe it's just a little too late

for that, girlie-girl.

Okay, all right. You know what, Steve?

I have had just about enough of this.

Would you care to step outside and settle this like men?

With pleasure. Come on.

You know something, pal,

I always knew one of these days

you and me were going to go 'round and 'round.

Come on.

Okay. Let's get busy.

Come on.

All right, Steve,

I'm going to give you exactly

what it is you've been asking for.

Great. What's that?

Just a little something to help out

with your gambling debts. Huh?

Wow. That's a lot of lettuce.

Geez.

Yes, it is.

I don't get this.

The other day you were saying

you were overextended on your house.

Or was that simply a crock of poo?

No.

No poo.

I wouldn't poo you.

Joe and I booked this romantic weekend

at a bed and breakfast in Vermont,

and, uh... it's all paid for

and I'd like you to go.

With Joe?!

No. With Steve.

Oh.

Oh, no.

You'll really love it.

I mean, it's not a big old set of...

but it's good.

Oh, Helen, you're the best friend I ever had.

Hey, where's my little gal?

Come here, honey.

Everything's going to be okay.

You bet it is.

Helen just gave us a weekend in Vermont.

Wow. That's great.

You know, they have a dog track up there.

I want you guys to know something.

You really showed some class here tonight,

and I'm glad you did,

because we were thinking about getting back at you.

And believe me, it wouldn't have been pretty.

STEVE: Yeah. We were going

to leave town without saying good-bye.

What?

You're leaving?

Yeah. Tomorrow.

We just rented the place for the month.

But-but-but the-the... my money...

(blubbering): Mmm. Mmm.

BARBARA: Well, I hate long good-byes.

See you, folks.

Yeah. We'll miss you.

Oh.

For the trip.

You know what?

I'm through with being stepped on by those people.

I'm not letting them get away with this.

Hey!

When you're done with those Krispies,

we want that plate back!

( doorbell ringing )

I'll get it.

Hi, we're your new neighbors.

We just moved in next door, and...

Helen, have you

learned nothing from our experience?

Mmm.

That's better, honey.