Original subtitles

What are you doing down here? You're 7:20.

7:00 is still in the bathroom.

Why do I have to follow this stupid schedule anyway?

Because there's four people and one bathroom.

Without rules, you have chaos.

People showering at whim.

And then where are you, my friend?

Where are you?

Just where we are now--

in Hell.

Come on, Helen, hurry up.

Give somebody else a chance.

What are you yelling about? I'm right here.

Well, what are you doing here?

You're 7:00.

I traded with Casey.

Just call me 7:40.

There's been a change?

Why wasn't I notified?

Wow. You really just said that, didn't you?

Now I'm just going to have to adjust the board.

You see?! Now you've upset him.

Now he has to adjust the board.

Okay.

So Blue took 7:00.

Which means Orange

goes all the way down here.

First of all, don't call me Orange.

I've got a name.

It's 7:20.

Hey, you better have a very good reason

why you are...

14 minutes past your bathroom allotment.

Oh, you know what my reason is?

I have no reason!

I just stood

up there in that damn shower

and I lathered up like a free woman.

I will not live under tyranny anymore.

If you want anarchy, you live with the consequences.

Joe, we're civilized adults.

There are no consequences.

We don't need a board to show us how to share a bathroom.

That's right. I'll go first.

No, wait, it's my turn. I've been waiting...

I have to blow dry my hair.

(all shouting)

JOE: Yellow.

8:00 to 8:20.

Go.

Thank you.

Hey, Joe, what do you think of my new outfit?

It's, uh... it's...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Um... shrunken?

Your idiot brother, Orange

ruined it when he did the laundry.

Just wait a minute, wait a minute.

Before we start accusing people, let me check the board

and see if it was Orange's turn last night.

Oh, my God!

Look what someone did.

Now, what kind of sick mind

would desecrate an organizational tool?

I bet it was Brian.

That would be my guess.

Anyway, forget about the board.

We wouldn't need it

if we weren't living with Brian and Casey.

We've got to do something, Joe.

We are doing something; we're building a house.

We got to do it faster.

Look, it's not my fault

that the foundation fell into a sinkhole.

You know, maybe we should get another contractor

and forget about Felix.

What kind of name is that anyway? Felix.

What are you talking about?

Felix, the contractor.

The wonderful, wonderful contractor.

You got to give him a chance, Helen.

He's working his tail off for us.

No, he's not.

His tail is on our porch.

What's Felix doing on our porch?

What kind of name is that anyway? Felix.

What is it this time?

You know, quite frankly, it kind of hurts my feelings

that every time I show up here, you assume it's bad news.

Sorry, Felix. He's right, Joe.

What brings you here?

Bad news. (groans)

I was just down at the lumberyard

and the pressure-treated wood

we ordered for the framing won't be in for a few more weeks.

Hey, new outfit?

What are you saying?

You have to stop work on our house?

I'm afraid so.

Felix, see, our living situation here is...

well, bad.

It's real bad.

So you've got to help us get out of here

before somebody goes postal.

You could always special order the wood.

It will cost.

That's fine. Do it.

I don't care what it costs.

You don't care what it costs?

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

She recently added a Reuben sandwich to the menu.

It's practically a license to print money.

For your information,

that Reuben sandwich paid for your stinking board.

Oh, that's it-- attack my coding system.

Maybe I should go... Let me tell you something.

that coding system is the only thing

that separates us from the baboons.

Honey, the only thing separating us from baboons

is that wall between our bedroom and Brian's. Okay, listen.

We have a budget, and we're sticking to it.

That's final. That's final?

Yeah. I'm just going to leave...

I can't even talk to you when you're like this.

You don't have go, 'cause I'm leaving.

Me, too.

(doors slam)

See ya.

Oh, Antonio, how are you?

You want to know how I am?

I'm... rich!

Look what just came in the mail.

Oh, I know that envelope.

A little something from Uncle Sam.

How do you know that?

Well, three dead husbands

means I get three Social Security checks.

One day a month, I giggle so hard

my mailman asks me if I'm stoned.

I know. I know.

I have here a tax refund check

for $1,002.

Once again, I've slipped in

right below the poverty line.

What are you going to spend it on, Antonio?

Me.

I think it's about time

I started living the high life.

I have had my eye on this Plexiglas toilet seat

you know, with the, the coins in it.

See, Cochran, the rich are different.

Yep, from now on

it's "Come on, baby, let the good times roll."

(cracking )

Ow! Oh, God. Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, my God!

I... I think I cracked my tooth.

Oh.

Well, don't worry, Antonio.

I'll give you the name of my dentist.

How am I supposed to pay for that?

Well, there is that check.

No. Not fair.

Here I am, below the poverty line,

I can't even enjoy it.

Helen?

Oh, you're back.

Let me tell you something.

I...

Well, now, that's just not fair.

I'm still mad at you.

You won't be for long.

Come with me. Wh-Where are we...

Just... just come, I want to show you something.

I think I found the answer to all our problems.

I hope it's not another psycho-colored board,

'cause if it is, I'm just gonna have to leave you.

Okay, can I open my eyes now, Joe?

Yes.

Take a look at our new house.

(gasps)

Oh, wow!

Boy, you get tough with that Felix.

and he really moves his butt.

No, no, no.

After our fight I was driving around,

and I saw the "For Sale" sign out front.

Just look at it, Helen.

This is our dream house.

No, Joe, the house we're building with the sinkhole

and the busted water main, that's our dream house.

(whining): But I don't want to live there.

I want to live here.

Well, I want to see a horse fall on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

but it ain't going to happen, so let's go.

Wait, Helen.

Just think how long it will take to build that house.

How long we'll live with Brian and Casey.

No. The strain it's putting on our marriage.

We've poured a foundation, I mean, we have hired a builder,

we've spent thousands of dollars.

We have to live there.

(whining): But I don't want to live there.

I want to live here.

Honey, when you talk like that

it just makes me want to saw my ears off.

Oh, hello.

I didn't hear you come in.

Can I show you around?

Oh. No, I'm sorry, that won't be necessary.

(whining): But I want to see it.

So, how long have you been married?

A year.

This house would be so perfect for you.

My husband Paul and I,

we built this when we were newlyweds.

Have you seen the sun deck?

Oh. There's a sun deck?

Oh. It extends the whole length of the house,

all the way to the hot tub.

Wow! Man, I'd love to see that.

Now, take this information sheet,

have a look around,

and, oh, please, if you have questions,

I'll just, I'll be in the master bedroom.

So what do you think, Helen?

It's perfect, isn't it?

Yes, Joe, of course it's perfect

but we're not free people; we are spoken for.

We are chained to a hellhole.

But what if we...?

Be rational, Joe.

I mean, where are we going to get the money

to buy another house?

Okay. Okay, I guess you're right.

Come on, let's get out of here

before we torture ourselves anymore.

Excuse me.

Hi, Audrey, we're back. Oh.

We're ready to make you a final offer.

Over my dead body.

What are you doing? I'm gonna get our dream house.

We'll give you 10,000 over that.

Mr. Connelly?

I'm sorry. We can't go any higher.

Well, it looks like you

just bought yourself a new house.

We got it!

This is going to be our house!

Oh, my God.

Oh, Joe, do you think we were too impulsive?

Of course not.

Come on, let's go see if there's a kitchen.

Oh, Antonio, how are you feeling?

Did you get your tooth fixed?

Yes, I did.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Did you use your whole refund?

No.

It only cost 200 dollars.

Well, then you should feel good.

You have 800 left.

Oh, to live in Fayland...

where the little elves and leprechauns

watch over everyone.

What are you babbling about?

As I was leaving the dentist

I tried to take a shortcut out of the parking lot,

and I backed over those spikes...

and blew out all four tires.

When they say "don't back up"...

really, don't.

Well, any idiot knows that.

Well, I mean, uh...

that wouldn't cost 800 dollars.

You must still have plenty left.

Get the fairy dust out of your eyes.

The tow truck never showed up.

I had to drive to the tire store on my rims.

I skidded out of control.

You remember that statue of Herman Melville?

Yes.

Well, cherish that memory.

You ain't never going to see that again.

They're not showing up.

The only nibble we've had on the hellhole in two weeks

and they're not showing up.

They've got to show up.

We need to sell that sinkhole for a lot of money

or we can't afford that beautiful, beautiful house.

(knock at door) They're here.

Now don't act don't act desperate, all right?

Be cool.

Act like we've had a million offers.

Please, don't be ridiculous.

Who in their right mind would be gullible enough to believe that?

Hi there.

You the Hacketts?

Yes, we are.

Oh, gosh, excuse the mess.

We've just had a million offers today.

Oh, I hope we're not too late.

No, no, no, never too late.

You hear that, May? It's still on the market.

Oh, thank the good Lord.

Well,

we're the Flukers.

I'm Andy, and this here's May.

MAY: We saw your lot

and we just plumb fell in love with it.

Now, May, don't go showing them all our cards at once.

Oh, Andy.

He thinks we're some kind of big negotiators.

Truth is, we don't know the first thing about it.

I guess we're just kind of at your mercy to lead us through.

Well, the first thing that you need is money.

Did you bring any?

Sure did. Got my checkbook right here.

But we do have a question.

Damn!

Um, sure. Ask anything you want.

Okay, now, about that big hole...

Oh, yes, there is... there's a big hole.

And it's there because you need a big hole.

It's like a foundation

like a big hand holding up the whole house.

Oh, I see. That makes good sense.

Well, yes, it does.

And yet, it's a pretty big decision.

Yes, of course it is.

Look why don't you two just stand right over here

and talk about it in private?

What are you doing?

Sending for reinforcements.

We saw your property and we want to buy it.

Is that so?

Yes, we must have it

and we'll pay top dollar for it too.

Pardon my French.

But what the heck is going on here?

We're making an offer.

I don't know.

Oh, we can do better than that.

Now, hold on a minute, Mister...

Mister...

Uh... uh...

Shill.

We're the Shills.

Ray and... Flo Shill.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Shill.

We're the Flukers

and we're not giving up that easy.

May... we're going to have to put up

your mama's inheritance

and sell the truck too.

We can't sell that truck.

It idles funny.

It's not right dumping our problems on somebody else.

Oh, Joe...

Look here, we're just looking

for a little piece of dirt

where we can settle and raise up our family.

We've got twins on the way.

Oh, they've got twins on the way.

Hey, we got a kid on the way too.

Uh, we waited.

Uh, I wanted to have my career first.

Well, are you going to accept our offer or not?

We got a Lamaze class to go to.

Well, uh...

in all fairness

the Flukers were here first.

So if they can beat your offer,

then I'm afraid I'm going to have to sell to them.

Okay. Now, this is all the money

we have in the world.

We had more, but we were bilked out of it

by some mean people.

Tough break. Just make the check out to Joe...

No. No. Go. Run. Get out of here.

But what about the property?

It's a stinking hole in the ground. But you said...

Never mind what I said. We're the devil.

We're the devil. Run!

Great work, Helen.

You just blew our only chance of getting that house.

Come on, honey.

All this shouting can't be good for the baby.

Helen, we can't wait any longer.

We've got to call Audrey and tell her

we can't buy the house.

Don't be so negative, Joe.

We still have eight minutes.

Someone will come along and buy our hellhole.

Come on, Helen, let's face it.

Where are we ever going to find suckers like that again?

Sorry. All my money's tied up in my tooth.

So... you can't buy your dream house?

We had it. It was right in our hands.

It's just not fair.

Fair?

(sarcastic laughter)

You want fair? Nothing's fair.

To quote my grandfather Scarpacci's dying words:

"Gaze fondly upon today

for tomorrow is bound to suck worse."

He said that on his deathbed?

What bed?

Dying in a bed would be too easy for a Scarpacci.

It would imply an ounce of dignity.

He died in a sewer

where he remains to this very day.

Well, Antonio, I believe

no matter how bleak things are

there's always hope.

Oh, come on, Helen.

It's 6:00, we have no offers.

Let's face it, we're Scarpacci'd.

When I move into Joe and Helen's old bedroom

I'm painting it eggshell white.

You might want to run that color by your landlord

and that would be...

let me see... me!

Oh, no.

You're not my landlord.

I'm just renting a room in your house.

Oh, all right, I'm your "roomlord."

But as you and I are very well acquainted

why stand on ceremony?

Simply call me...

"Lord."

Yeah, well, before you start healing the lepers

I got a news flash.

We ain't moving.

What?!

No, no! Tell me this is some kind of sick joke!

(sarcastic laughter)

Like my grandfather always said "Life stinks."

In fact, that's what it said on his tombstone

that we threw down into the sewer after him.

Hi, Joe. Hi, Helen.

What do you want?

Joe, we talked about this.

That attitude is very hurtful to me.

He's sorry, Felix.

What he meant was

seeing as you haven't set foot on the site

in over two weeks

what could possibly be wrong now?

And the downward spiral continues.

I want to buy your property.

What?

Well, you know I've always loved that plot of land.

And I know that with enough time

I can build a perfect little house for my wife and me.

If you take my offer

I can give you a check right now.

We sold the hellhole!

We can get our dream house!

I can have my own room!

I'm the lord!

Aw, shut up.

You know what?

I'm not paying for this soup.

In fact, I'm taking a cookie too.

Oh!

Oh, my crown!

I broke my freakin' crown.

You know, Helen, I'm starting to get

kind of a nostalgic feeling about this old place.

It just passed.

Let's blow this dump.

Hey, just think.

In a few minutes, we're going to walk out this door

and walk into our new house.

Oh, do you think we made a mistake

by letting Brian and Casey help us move?

I mean, now they're going to know where we live.

(both laughing uncontrollably)

I don't know why

but I just cannot stop smiling.

I'll tell you why.

Joe and Helen are moving out.

Boy... that feels pretty good to say.

You say it.

"Joe and Helen are moving out."

You know, it is kind of intoxicating--

like fine champagne.

It's better than champagne

'cause in the morning your headache is across town

in its new house.

(both laughing)

(all laughing)

Hey, uh, these are the last of the boxes

in the kitchen.

We're just going to run them across to the new house.

Okay. We'll finish up and meet you over there.

Hey... this is our last moments living together.

(all sighing)

That's so sad.

Isn't it, though?

Yeah, miss ya. Yeah, love you.

Well, bro... I know.

Yeah. Me too.

(door closes)

What are you doing?

You can't light

a cigar in the house.

It'll stink... oh, it's not our house anymore.

Fire it up, baby.

You know, Helen, there are certain times in a man's life

when he needs to celebrate with a cigar.

You're right.

Give me a puff of that.

I can't believe we're finally alone in this house.

When was the last time that happened?

February 16, 7:00, for 20 minutes...

But, uh...

do you remember what we did in those 20 minutes?

Sure do.

Well, what do you say?

One more time for old time's sake?

I can't believe we're finally alone.

Me, neither.

(softly): Joe... oh, Joe....

Honey, you know what? Brian and Casey aren't here.

You don't have to whisper.

(giggling)

(sirens approaching)

Joe! Joe!

Hey, we still got neighbors.

Smoke, Joe! Smoke!

Trust me. I already

got the pedal to the metal here.

Fire! What?

Your house is on fire!

Follow us!

Helen, our house is on fire. Follow them!