Original subtitles

Oh, yeah, all right. Bases loaded.

Mo Vaughn is at the plate. Yeah.

(bat strikes ball)

(both hollering)

Grand salami!

Ung, ungawa, Red Sox got the power.

Uh! Uh! Uh!

What's the score? What's the score?

4-3 Sox, Vaughn just hit a grand slam.

Ung, ungawa, Red Sox got the power.

Uh!

Oh, oh.

Oh! The ball just beaned that poor guy

in the bleachers.

Oh, great, they're going to show it again.

(gasping)

That guy who got beaned looks like Stuart.

Your husband Stuart?

Yeah!

Look, they're showing it again in slow motion.

(screams) Oh, it is Stuart!

Oh, God, after seven years of marriage

I would recognize those klutzy reflexes anywhere.

Casey, calm down.

Don't tell her to calm down,

not after the way he treated her.

That deadbeat vanished two years ago

with every dime I had.

Look, there he is...

right there!

Oh, I could just get my hands around his neck,

I will kill you. I will kill you!

Casey, I don't know what you did there,

but keep it up-- I think you unscrambled HBO.

Brian, come on, you're taking me to Boston.

(chuckling): You know...

there's a way to ask for a favor,

and there's a way to ask.

You're right.

Brian, would you kindly fly me to Boston

so I can murder my rat bastard husband?

See, was that so hard?

Hey, Scarpacci.

How would you like to earn some extra money?

I know what this is about.

You saw me take that Happy Meal out of the trash.

Listen, that kid just took one bite and threw it away.

Look, here's the deal.

A cruise ship is going to dock off the island

for a couple of days.

It is going to be crawling with elderly widows and divorcees.

They're going to need a few good men for some chitchat

and some dancing.

There's one problem: Huh?

I don't know how to dance.

What are you talking about?

My father didn't think it was macho.

He said, "No son of mine

"is going to be dance around like a sissy.

You go work with your Uncle Sal after school."

What did your uncle do?

He ran a girdle shop.

Women's delicates.

Some hosiery-- that was my idea.

Lucky for you, I am a great dancer.

I'll teach you.

Listen, Roy, I don't dance with men.

You're going to have to learn somehow.

I don't know what it is about these old widows,

but once they put a husband in the ground,

it makes them want to mambo.

ANTONIO: Fay.

Are you a good dancer?

I knew this was coming.

I've been wondering when you were going to get up the nerve

to make your move.

Don't think I haven't noticed those smoldering glances

from across the terminal.

Uh, Fay... (laughs)

I must say, I'm quite flattered.

And don't think that the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

But why risk a friendship

for a few nights of wild, uninhibited passion?

So... in answer to your question,

yes, I do dance, but, alas, not with you.

Let's do us both a favor and never speak of this again.

No problem.

Casey, what happened? Did you find Stuart?

Yeah. I had the little weasel

right in my hands, but he got away.

Helen, I got so close.

Look, I even got a fistful of his hair.

Stuart has hair now?

Plugs.

I could kill Stuart for what he did to you.

Killing is too good for him.

I would like to rip his heart out with my bare hands.

Cut it up.

Yeah, and then, boil it up.

And mash it up, Yeah.

and mash it up

till it's really, really... mashed up.

Oh, Brian,

I can't believe I let that little worm

slip through my fingers.

I'm never going to have a chance like that again.

Well, you never know.

Life's funny.

Hello, Casey.

Stuart.

I'll bet you didn't expect to see me again.

No, I didn't.

But I'm glad you're here.

Really?

(grunts)

Stuart, I can't even begin to describe

how deeply you have hurt me.

I am so... filled with questions,

I don't even know where to start.

Okay, here's one.

Where the hell's my money?!

Plugs, plugs.

Release the plugs, and I will tell you

what happened to the money.

All right, tell me!

There is no money.

(groaning)

What do you mean, there's no money?

You mean that you just ran off and spent every dime we had?

No. We were broke before I left you.

My business collapsed.

The bottom fell out of the whole corn pad market.

What?!

Podiatry has become very advanced.

They use lasers now.

Corn pads just aren't "sexy" anymore.

Wait. That doesn't explain

where you've been for the past two years.

I mean, you just vanished off the face of the Earth.

I was moving around from one odd job to the next--

you know, waiting tables, painting houses,

being a guinea pig for a dicey pharmaceutical company.

For a few weeks in January, I had breasts.

Yeah, but what about the yacht?

You must've gotten money for that.

As soon as I hit open water,

the Princess Casey was repo'd by the bank.

Well, that explains what happened to the money,

but it still doesn't explain what happened to you.

Why did you leave me?

I was ashamed.

I felt like a failure.

I couldn't provide for you anymore.

So you just ran away?

I was afraid if I didn't have any money

you'd stop loving me.

Oh, Stuart.

Oh, come on!

You really thought that's what our relationship was about--

just the money and the big house,

and the European vacations,

and the omelet chef on Sunday?

I miss Raoul.

No, wait, you ran away from me at the baseball park.

Why did you come back here?

When I was running away from you,

I realized two things:

One: I'm really out of shape.

(laughing)

And two:

you deserved to know the truth.

Casey, I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you,

but don't worry.

I'm out of your life now for good.

The divorce papers will be in the mail.

Stuart, wait.

Oh, my God!

Stuart?

You slimeball!

No! No!

Helen. Helen, don't... don't hurt him!

Oh, you're right.

I'll hold him; you hurt him.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

I don't want to hurt him.

He's my husband, and I...

I'm giving him another chance.

The coast is clear, Scarpacci.

Come on out.

Come on.

I just hope nobody sees us.

Hey, look, if you are going to work this cruise,

you have got to learn to dance.

Now, come on.

All right.

Show me what you got.

I was looking at that book you gave me,

and I think... think I got the fox-trot down.

One, two... step together.

One, two, step together.

One, two, step together.

(whistles)

Come here. (gentle music begins playing)

No. I really don't think...

I said... come here.

One, two, step together.

Try to be a little lighter on your feet.

One, two, step... step together.

I said lighter on your feet.

One, two, step...

Ow! Oh, oh...

Sorry, Roy, I...

I... I... I can't do it. (music stops)

You know, you're still the same scared little kid

who worked in your uncle's girdle shop.

You take that back.

Make me.

(music begins playing)

One, two, step together.

One, two, step together.

One, two...

You're really picking this up, Scarpacci.

Well, I've had a wonderful teacher.

A teacher's only as good as his student.

Flatterer.

Dip.

(song ends)

Okay.

You're good enough to fake your way through.

(applause on TV, Stuart laughing)

Hi, Joe.

Stuart.

(sighing)

Mm-mmm. Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe, relax.

Leave that for the cleaning lady.

I am the cleaning lady.

Well, in that case, you ain't getting a raise,

because this place is a pigsty.

(laughing)

Ooh, ooh, it's 7:30-- You know what that means?

Yeah. Wheel's on.

Come on, sit down and watch.

This is a special episode-- "Live from Sea World."

Hey, hey, hey.

Looks like you could use a hand there.

I sure could.

Mmm...

Your chips are in the other bag.

Oh!

Family size!

(laughing)

You got to keep her here, Joe.

Helen, I read somewhere

where you can have anybody killed for $10,000.

Joe, don't be ridiculous.

We only have $6,000 in the bank.

Yeah, but I bet we could get a loan

if I tell them what it's for.

Look, I'm not crazy about him living here either,

but we have to keep remembering why we're doing this.

Why?

"Why?"

Why?!

Why?

Oh, for Casey, for Casey.

She thinks he's just going through a little phase,

and he'll snap out of it

and the two of them will be back on their feet again.

Or he'll eat himself to 1,000 pounds,

be forklifted out of here and buried in a piano crate.

For Casey's sake, let's just be patient with him.

Excuse me, but I see you people only use

non-wax floss.

I have a little problem with that.

Do you, Stu?

Thank you so much for pointing that out.

Well, FYI, next time.

Stuart, I washed the shirt for you.

Oh, honey, thanks.

That's my shirt.

I accidentally spilled some grape juice on it.

Hey, it almost came out.

Come on, Helen, let's go.

Where you going?

To the bank.

(humming rumba rhythm)

Oh, it looks as if you two had a good time.

Oh, boy, did we.

You must have been quite a hit with the ladies.

Nope, couldn't get arrested.

The cruise had too many escorts.

Yeah, but that band, oh!

It was too good to go to waste.

So, show her, Roy.

We took first place in the rumba contest.

Really?

Well, right now I have a picture of you two in my mind

that I'd give anything to lose.

Ha!

(humming rumba rhythm)

JOE: Oh, hey, Casey,

do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. What is it?

Well, you know how much

I want to help you and Stuart, and...

well, I think I've come up with a solution.

Really?

How does Stuart feel about Georgia?

I don't really know.

Okay, how does he feel about peaches?

Oh, he likes them,

especially sliced with a little fresh cream.

Good. How does he feel about picking 'em?

What?!

Hear me out, keep an open mind on this, okay?

There was a guy on one of my flights.

He owns a couple of orchards down in Georgia.

He needs hands.

It's a couple of months' work.

He'll be done in time for the linseed harvest in Alabama.

Isn't it amazing how this all just fell into place?

Are you suggesting that Stuart become a migrant farmworker

in the Deep South?

Well, hey, you got to go where the work is.

Look, Joe, I know how you feel about Stuart, but fortunately,

not everyone in the family feels that way.

Oh, Joe, did you tell Casey

about the peach plan?

Helen, is that how little you think of Stuart?

No. Absolutely not.

We think a lot of Stuart.

It must be killing that proud and great man

to be living on our couch

with his fist stuck in the Pringles' can.

Come on, Stuart's trying.

In fact, he's at a job interview even as we speak.

Yes. He is applying for a position with the city

in traffic management.

Traffic management.

What exactly is that?

It's a crossing guard, okay?

Hey, I know you don't have a lot of faith in Stuart, but I do.

He has a lot more ambition than you think.

You watch: Stuart Davenport will rise again

like the phoenix.

Oh, yeah? Does the phoenix wake up at noon,

scratch its ass and eat a four-egg omelet?

Hey... hey, Casey, guess what? Guess what?

This morning, the cruise ship

passed this yacht in the harbor

and it's called the Princess Casey.

Wasn't that the name of your boat?

Um... yeah.

Boy, that's a coincidence.

I mean, I guess somebody liked the name.

Here's another coincidence.

Stuart was on it.

He, uh, he had a pitcher of margaritas

and he was doing a samba.

Not a bad dancer, if I may say so.

Of course, he's no Roy.

I thought the Princess Casey was repossessed.

I thought Stuart was broke.

Hey, did you guys tell Casey the idea?

Is ol' Stuey leaving

on that midnight train to Georgia, huh?

Come on, Brian, we got a boat to catch.

Just once would it kill you to say please?

Ow!

I don't believe it!

This is our boat!

Ooh...

Oh, I love this boat.

Oh, I love everything about this boat!

There's got to be some explanation.

Oh, I know.

Remember when Stuart sent Helen out for lottery tickets?

Well...

maybe one of them hit, you know,

and he bought the boat back to surprise me.

Or maybe he just screwed you.

What?

(gasps)

Excuse me.

Knock, knock.

Casey! Hi!

Casey...

uh, listen, um,

you're... you're probably wondering about all this.

Guess what?

I got the crossing guard job.

I had no idea how well it paid.

Wow!

So, um, let's celebrate.

Champagne? Caviar?

I could have Raoul make you an omelet.

Oh, Stuart.

I knew you wouldn't stay down for long.

Oh, God. I'm so happy.

This is everything I've ever wanted,

and this is everything you stole from me,

you lying creep! (grunts)

Ow...! Ow!

I've just got a couple of questions for you, fella.

Number one: where's the switch to the hot tub?

And number two: are suits optional?

You go right ahead, Brian.

This is half my yacht.

The switch you want will be the green one near the sauna.

Wha... you got a sauna here?

Oh, cool.

Hey, hey, hey!

You take one more step

and this whole bag goes out the window.

You wouldn't do that.

All right! All right!

You would! You would! Casey, calm down.

Relax. Relax. Just tell me, what do you want from me?

I want to play a little game.

It's called, "Tell the truth, you lying sleazebag!"

Question number one for $10,000!

Is this the money you emptied out of our bank account?

No!

I found that on a bus.

(imitates buzzer)

(moans)

You didn't tell the truth, you lying sleazebag!

This is...

This is ridiculous. Let me have that.

Hey! Hey! I'm not kidding.

You cross that line

and it's cash ahoy!

All right, Casey, Casey, listen to me.

That's our money.

You're only hurting yourself by tossing it out.

Oh, you're right.

In that case, I'll only toss out your half!

Question number two for another $10,000.

Why did you really come back here?

Because I love you, I missed you,

and I couldn't live without you.

Oh, Stuart.

(imitates buzzer)

Maybe I didn't explain the rules of our game

quite clearly enough.

The more you lie, the more you lose!

This is such a bad game.

I don't mean to interrupt, but...

I am enjoying a Denver omelet like I never have.

This Raoul is a magician.

Now... are you ready to tell the truth?

Why did you come back here?

Because I wanted a divorce.

And why didn't you just ask me for one?

Because I didn't want to hurt you!

(imitates buzzer)

All right, you want the truth?

I wanted to trick you

into thinking I was broke, so you'd divorce me

so I could keep the boat and all the money!

I never thought you'd stay with me

when you thought I was such a loser.

The Casey I knew would have dumped me in a heartbeat!

You're not the woman I married.

God, Stuart!

You know, part of me has spent these last two years

wondering if I had done something to drive you away.

Well, now I know the truth.

You're just a really awful human being.

(alarm sounds)

Oh! What's that?

All right, look,

a couple of bad things just happened.

Um, there are two green switches by the hot tub,

and the one that I pushed... the bad one...

Oh, my God! You've reversed the bilge pump.

We're taking on water.

Yes, we are, but not to worry

'cause Raoul is on the phone

to the Coast Guard right now, and by the way

have you tried his cheeseless frittata?

Oh! Good job, Brian.

Now they will be towing my boat into the harbor.

No, no, no, no, it's not your boat or my boat,

and soon as they get their hands on it,

it's going to be the government's boat!

I haven't paid taxes in five years.

I got to get out of here.

Give me that! Give it! No!

Give me this! (yells)

(screams) (screams)

Was that the money?

Yes! Yes!

No!

Well, I hope you're happy!

Not yet.

(screams)

(splashing)

Now I'm happy.

(music playing)

(song ends)