Original subtitles

Good morning, Antonio.

Morning, Fay.

You seem in a good mood today.

What are you writing?

The eulogy for my funeral.

When is that?

'Cause I got something on Sunday.

Very nice, Roy.

Fay, I got plans, too,

but if you're dying, I'll be there with bells on.

No, no, no.

See, I read in this magazine

that the best way to live a fulfilling life

is to envision

what you want people to say about you

at your funeral

and then, to strive to live that way.

Now here's what I have so far:

"Never thinking a moment of herself,

"she dedicated her entire life to acts of kindness and charity

in the service of all mankind."

Wow.

I'd like to hear someone deliver that

with a straight face.

No. It's a goal, Antonio.

That's how I'd like to be remembered.

Well, the fact is, I don't do a lot of charity work,

but I intend to be a lot more giving from now on.

Sounds like an interesting article.

Can I see this magazine?

Oh, yes, you can.

In fact, keep it.

Why, thank you, Fay.

See? You're already more charitable.

(chuckling): Yes.

Why is this addressed to Mrs. R. Fimmel?

Oh, that's my neighbor.

I swiped it off the old bat's porch.

Oh, Roy?

Mm.

Would you care to donate

to the Golden Crest Seniors Home

to get a minivan for the old folks?

Cochran, let me tell you a little story.

In 1971, I broke down and gave four bucks

to the Salvation Army.

Hey, I'm not looking for a pat on the back.

Within two weeks

I was getting junk mail

from every loser crybaby who ever had a hangnail.

So forget it.

All you had to do was say no.

"No" is not good enough.

I want to make sure you'll never ask again.

Fay, Fay, you really inspired me.

Now I've been writing my eulogy.

Listen to this.

"The nation was saddened today

"by the loss of billionaire industrialist

Antonio Scarpacci..."

"...inventor of the massage-o-matic

"Oh, Baby" vibrating cab seat.

Survived by his wife, Claudia Schiffer Scarpacci..."

Antonio, I don't think you understand

how this eulogy thing works.

The idea is to make you a better person.

Hey, if I'm married to Claudia Schiffer

and sitting in a vibrating seat

I am a better person.

Joe, quick: Name the sexiest girl

in the history of Sconset High.

JOE: No brainer-- Tracy Hayes.

Think she still looks good? Nah. You kidding?

Girls that look like that in high school

always wind up weighing

300 pounds...

Oh, mommy!

BRIAN: Oh! She saw us.

Oh! She's coming over here.

What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

Let go of my arm. You're hurting me.

Can't. Can't. Stop. Stop.

Oh!

Hey, guys, remember me, Tracy Hayes?

Oh, yeah, Tracy. Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good. What have you guys been doing with yourselves?

Pilots. Own the airline.

Wow. I'm impressed.

But, you know, I'm not surprised. You're not?

No. It's always the dorks who make it.

Hey, guys, come on. I'm just teasing you.

Yeah! Like we didn't know that.

So, uh... Tracy, right?

Yeah. Uh, what have you been up to?

Well, for the last few years, I've been working as a dancer

up in Boston, you know, to pay the bills.

But it's always been my dream to go to law school.

I finally saved up enough money.

I start next week.

Oh, that's great.

A dancer, huh?

Well, actually, tonight's my last night.

Hey, if you guys get a chance,

you should come by and see the show.

Uh, maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, I have to catch a flight.

It's really great seeing you guys again.

Catch you later.

Later.

She talked to us. She talked to us.

She talked to us. She talked to us.

I don't know what this dance thing is,

but whatever it is, I'm going to see it.

I don't know. I mean, even for Tracy Hayes,

I don't feel like flying all the way up to Boston

to see some boring dance recital.

What? What is it?

Ta...

Can I see you in the office for a minute?

What is it?

"Club Shangri-la.

"Exotic dancing.

All nude, all the time."

Oh, my God!

Tracy Hayes has invited us to see her dance nude.

All nude.

All the time.

This is like

a dream I had in high school

except I'm not waking up in a full sweat

tangled in my Star Wars sheets.

So, what do you say we leave in an hour, huh?

What are you talking about? I can't go.

Why not can't you go?

Because married I am.

Oh...

I pity you.

The woman I marry

is gonna be the kind of woman

that's gonna want me to see other women naked.

Well, unfortunately, I couldn't find a woman like that.

I had to settle for an earthling!

So what are you telling me?

Are you telling me that you're not going to go?

I don't know-- what am I gonna say to Helen,

"Hi, honey, remember Tracy Hayes?

I'm going to go see her dance nude"?

All nude. All the time.

No, it'll never work.

You got to lie. I can't lie.

Then you can't go.

All nude? All the time.

I got to go. You got to lie.

I can't lie!

When Helen and I got married

we vowed we would never lie to each other.

Well, you should be ashamed of yourself.

This little gal is stripping her way

to a better life,

and the least we could do is give her our support.

Look, the only way that I could go

is if I told Helen the truth,

but I don't know how to do that.

I wouldn't even know where to start. All right.

Oh! Okay. I know what, I know what.

Try it out on me.

I'll be Helen.

All right?

Now, what do you say?

Okay.

Honey, there's an event I'd like to go to tonight.

Oh, you mean, like a cultural event?

Kind of.

You see, Brian and I have been invited to Boston to, uh...

well...

you remember Tracy Hayes from high school?

Tracy Hayes, Tracy Hayes.

Yeah, I remember. Tall girl. Very pretty.

You think so?

She never really did anything for me.

Anyway, see, she's trying to go to law school,

and to earn the money to do that, she's, uh...

How do I put this?

Joe, it's me, your wife.

Come on, you can tell me anything.

Just come right out with it.

Okay.

Tracy Hayes is dancing nude at a strip club,

and tonight's my last chance to see her.

Really?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

(weepy): When did you stop loving me?

I, I never stopped loving you...

Oh! Let me tell you something:

I will never give you a divorce, mister!

I'll kill you before I let another woman have you!

But I don't want another woman.

All I want is you...

Forget it, Brian. This isn't gonna work.

No. We can make it work, but we just have to try.

Shut up!

Oh, please, Joe-- I'm scared! I'm scared.

Hold me!

Okay, you made your point.

I can't lie to Helen,

and I guess I can't tell her the truth

so I can't go.

Hey, guys.

Joe, I just wanted to tell you that

Casey and I are going to the movies tonight

so I may be home kind of late.

You're kidding?!

No.

As great a joke as that would be to play on you...

no, I'm really going to the movies.

Why? Is that a problem?

No. No problem at all.

Well, I know this is a little last minute.

Is that why you're upset?

I'm not upset.

Brian, do I sound upset?

Well, to tell you the truth, you kind of do, yeah.

Listen-- it's no big deal.

I'll just cancel with Casey.

Oh, no, no!

You have a date with Casey.

The last thing in the world I want for you to do is cancel.

Okay. What are you going to do?

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

Okay.

Well, see you guys later.

(grunting happily)

Oh, I just...

Shh.

We're fine.

We'll find something for you to do.

It's all right.

(laughing)

Yeow!

Ooh, that's a whole lot of orange going on there, Roy.

What are you doing?

I'm going skydiving.

I saw you guys writing your eulogies.

I decided to write mine.

I'd say just in time, too.

Mine goes

"Roy Biggins was an adventurer, living each day to the fullest."

Well, you've just lost your mind.

I could use some support from you people.

You know, you could take a lesson from my pilots.

They are behind me.

Every single one of those guys

said I should go jump out of that plane.

Well, if you're going skydiving,

don't you need a lot of training?

(voice breaking): Not according to the guys.

They say you just hop out and pull this.

Roy, that is a zipper.

Oh. Well, then it, uh, must be

one of these other little doohickeys.

Uh, I'll find it.

Listen, Roy, um...

as much as I would love to tell my grandchildren

that I was there when Biggins Canyon was formed...

...I can't let you do this.

Relax, okay? I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna go find my pilots and we're gonna recheck my chute.

They packed it for me special.

Wow.

That is the biggest pitcher of tang

I've ever seen.

Anyway, hey! So...

you ready to see Tracy tonight?

You kidding? I've been ready ever since I saw her

shimmy up the rope in ninth-grade gym class.

You know what the best part about tonight is?

I didn't lie to Helen.

Yeah! That's it.

Joe, do you mind if I leave a little early tonight?

Sure, Fay. Why? What's going on?

I've decided to volunteer

at the Golden Crest Seniors Home.

Oh, really? That's great!

Giving up your Friday night to help other people.

That's good, Fay.

Oh, uh, it's Friday night?

Well, that's not going to work for me at all.

I've already ordered Wrestlemania on pay-per-view.

I can't cancel now.

Antonio, you coming?

You tappin' a keg?

Don't I always?

Oh. Helen? I've been thinking...

I don't know about the movies. I'm kind of tired.

Why don't you and Joe do something tonight?

No. You can't do that.

HELEN: Joe, it's no big deal.

We can go tomorrow night.

Yeah. Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow? I can't believe this.

Instead of going out tonight,

you two are going out tomorrow night?

Well, his mind seems to be gone,

but his hearing's okay.

You just, you just don't get it, do you?

How do you know that tonight

isn't the last chance you will ever have

to be with your sister again?

She could walk out of this building here

and be hit by a bus, flattened.

She's a pancake.

Now where's your tomorrow?

It's gone.

Oh, sure, you could have spent

your last few hours with her, but you didn't.

And why? Because you're tired.

But now it's too late, because she's dead.

Oh, Helen...

Oh, Casey...

You know, I never thought of it that way.

Oh, that's okay.

You still want to see that movie with me?

Oh, you just try and stop me. You know...

I'll just go bring the car around. Okay.

You be careful

and look both ways before you cross the street.

Oh, thanks, Joe, for opening our eyes.

Glad I could help.

Hey, you want to come with us?

I can't tonight. I got plans.

Maybe tomorrow.

What-What plans?

I-I'm... volunteering

at the Golden, uh, Crust old people's home.

The old people's home?

What are you doing for them?

Helping.

Them.

Well, um, okay.

I think it's really nice

that you're doing that for them

but why does it have to be tonight?

Because tonight's the last night...

for a lot of them.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

What?

I can't believe what I just did. I lied to Helen.

Oh. Listen, I figure we should leave here by 6:00.

I told her I was volunteering

at an old age home.

I broke our vow of honesty.

Oh, come on.

I mean, did you actually think

you'd be able to go through your whole marriage with Helen

and never lie?

This is a lying world, my friend.

Everybody lies to everybody.

You lie to me?

Sure. When?

Pretty much every time I say

"Joe, I'm your brother; would I lie to you?"

I'm lying to you.

Well, I don't lie to my wife...

at least, I haven't lied to her till now.

Oh, God.

Oh, come on, what's the difference?

You told her that you we're gonna volunteer at an old age home

when, in reality, you're going to be watching

beautiful women dance naked.

Shades, we're talking shades.

Come on, Brian.

Joey, I'm your brother.

Would I lie to you?

Do you have any idea how hurt Helen would be

if she found out I deceived her?

All right, let's explore this, then.

I'll be Helen, you be Joe.

I'm not doing that again.

All right, I'll be Joe, you be Helen.

Brian... All right, I'll be Fay, you be Roy--

Come on, I got to be somebody!

Wait a minute. I got it.

When is a lie not a lie?

That's easy. When you get away with it.

No. When it's the truth.

See, it's simple.

I will go and volunteer at the old age home

just like I told Helen.

Oh, that's great

and I'll be watching Tracy Hayes dance naked,

and you'll be watching Gabby Hayes dance naked.

Don't you get it?

I will go to the old folks' home

play a little pinochle, a little conversation

do my good deed, bing, bang, boom.

20 minutes later, I'm in a skin club with a clear conscience.

That's it? That does it for you?

Yes, it does.

Good. I'm glad.

Now can I be Fay?

(chuckling)

Boy, that's a dumb move.

Are you stupid, or are you just trying to lose?

Just play the game.

Okay.

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.

King me.

You know, you're easier to beat than Sid across the hall,

and he's in a coma.

Well, Lou, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

What, you're leaving already?

Well... not right away, but, you know

in the next, uh, couple of seconds.

It's just that I have a prior commitment.

You know, you remind me of my son.

Really? Oh, yeah.

He dumped me in here, and he ran away too.

Lou, what do you want me to do?

I've got to go. Take me with you.

I haven't been out of this place for a year.

I need to be aired out.

You have plenty to do tonight.

I saw the activity board.

There's a slide show of Mrs. Freemont's daughter's cruise.

Then there's tapioca pudding...

Ooh... pinch me!

All right, Lou, listen to me.

If I could take you with me, I would, but I can't.

Why not?

Because what I'm going to see

your heart can't take.

Okay. Okay, you go.

You do. I'll be fine.

I have everything a man could want--

I got my tv, my bed...

Oh, and look, a raisin left over from lunch.

Life is full.

(sultry jazz playing)

What kind of a joint did you bring me to?

Six bucks for a Sprite?

You know something?

It's drafty in here.

We know, Lou.

Who are you again?

He's Brian, Lou.

He's my brother.

I got a brother.

We know, Lou.

His name is Harry, he's an orthodontist

and he screwed you, Lou.

He screwed me.

We know, Lou!

Would you mind if I had a word with my brother in private?

He screwed me blue.

Why did you bring him here?

Are you out of your mind?!

Would you relax?

Can I say something here?

Why don't you take a haircut?

You look like a girl.

Hey, Lou. There's a buffet.

Why don't you get yourself some dinner?

At 8:00?

Oh, I couldn't digest.

It would kill me.

Like he said...

Listen, am I spoiling your fun?

No, no, no. Lou, you're not spoiling our fun.

You are a pure delight.

Thank you. You're a nice boy.

I think I will get something to eat.

Can I bring you a plate?

Yes, please.

And take your time.

You, I hate.

You think if we switched tables, he won't be able to find us?

I don't know, Brian. Maybe this was a mistake.

What? Bringing Yoda to a strip club?

Nah, nah.

That was inspired.

I mean, coming here at all.

What the heck are you talking about, man?

This is the culmination

of a lifetime of adolescent fantasies.

But I lied to Helen.

No, you didn't.

You went to the home.

For God's sakes, you brought the home here.

All right, look. Don't even try to talk me out of this.

I'm going to grab Lou and get out of here.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

I'm so glad you made it. Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, we were in the neighborhood.

Really looking forward to seeing the show.

Well, I'll try not to disappoint you.

(laughing): Oh, I don't think that's possible.

You're so sweet.

Well, look, I go on in a minute,

so I have to go and get into my outfit.

You, uh... wear an outfit?

Well... not for long.

(laughs)

Well, uh...

uh...

really sorry you can't stay, Joe.

See you later.

You know, how selfish can I be?

Here I am, thinking only of myself

and who I really should be thinking about is Lou.

I mean, he doesn't get out very much.

I'd just be taking him right back to the home.

You're not that kind of guy.

You're damn right I'm not.

I was raised better than that.

Yeah. Stay, Joe.

For Lou.

All Lou.

All the time.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Brian, but there comes a time in a man's life

when he's got to do the right thing.

I just hope when I'm 112 years old

somebody takes me to a strip club.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Club Shangri-la is proud to present Miss Tracy Hayes!

All they had was drumettes and slaw.

Why do people come to this restaurant?

I was... ya-ha-ha.

Ah...

(door opens)

(sighs)

Honey...

sweetheart...

Babe?

(louder): Helen?

Hmm?

Oh, good. You're up.

How was your night? Oh, fine.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh. Just one little thing, though.

After I went to the home

Brian and I went to see Tracy Hayes dance naked.

Night-night.

Joe?

Yeah?

HELEN: Get up!

Wow... wow, wow, wowie.

This was some night, huh?

Yes, it was, Lou.

I had feelings I haven't had in 35 years.

I know, Lou.

I think it was the slaw.

It was the slaw, Lou.

What do you think it was?

Anybody's guess, Lou.

Look at you.

You wear dungarees to a nice place like this?

What are you, a hippie?