Original subtitles

Hey, guys, you are not going to believe

what I found at the construction site.

BRIAN: Whoa, whoa.

First, we've got to discuss... the look.

What, my hard hat?

The foreman gave it to me.

You can't be too careful

when you're working around heavy machinery.

Ooh, my big, sweaty blue-collar baby.

Yep, I got my hands pretty dirty.

You got a scuff on your hat.

Oh, no.

Oh, well, this is just ruined.

What's in the bag?

Oh, you are not going to believe this.

It's amazing.

Oh, wow, a big old filthy can.

I'm just blown away.

No, don't you remember?

We buried this in the backyard years ago.

Oh, my God.

You dug up Jingles.

Put him back.

No, I didn't dig up Jingles...

although I did see Jingles,

but I don't want to talk about that.

Anyway, look, don't you remember?

It's our time capsule.

Time capsule?

Oh, yeah, we put a lot of stuff in it.

We buried it for the future. How old were we?

Oh, God, I don't know-- 11 or 12.

Come on, let's open it.

All right, everybody

get ready for a blast from the past.

Okay.

I'll go back and get the time capsule.

Come on, Jingles.

Sorry.

Hey, got a new hat.

Yep, this one's Scotch guarded.

You sure that this is the time capsule now?

Because remember, after Jingles, there was Patches.

Yeah, this is the time capsule.

Look, I even put a note on top. See?

"July 15, 1973.

"Not to be opened

"for 20 years or else you die.

"Very truly yours, Joey Hackett.

P.S. This means you, Brian."

Wow, look at all this stuff.

Oh, look, Joe, your Little League trophy.

Oh, one of many.

Oh! Helen, here's an old Three Musketeers

like you used to eat.

Oh, one of many.

Why'd you bury a rock?

Hey, it's Alfred, my pet rock.

Oh, come on, Casey, don't tell me you were suckered

into buying one of those things.

What kind of idiot pays money for a rock?

Mine's called Englebert.

Hey, speaking of suckers, here's your mood ring, Joe.

Now, come on, this is different.

This is science.

Besides, it looked really great

with my purple bell bottoms.

And I am guessing that this was yours?

Cool!

Playboy magazine?

You were 11.

Not just any Playboy, uh...

"Under Covers with the Women of James Bond."

What?

Oh.

See that woman there?

Grandmother now.

Ugh, that's a depressing thought.

It means that naked woman straddling the nuclear warhead

is now fishing for a caramel at the bottom of her purse.

"The Women of James Bond."

Oh, that's the only issue

I'm missing in my collection.

Could I just see that?

(chortling)

Ooh, it's got kind of a... kind of a musty smell.

It's been buried for 20 years.

Ew!

Hey, anybody going to eat that candy bar?

It's all yours.

Thanks.

What are these?

The letters!

What letters?

Don't you remember?

We each wrote a secret letter

about where we thought we'd be when we grew up.

Helen, here's yours.

Brian, there's yours.

Casey...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, now wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're gonna open them one at a time.

I'll go first.

Why you first?

Because I called it.

Okay, ready?

"Copyrighted 1973 by Joseph Montgomery Hackett.

"All rights reserved,

"including the right

"to reproduce in any form.

Foreign rights to be negotiated at a later date."

Wow, that's a wild story-- Okay. Mine.

Wait, hold on, just give me a chance here.

"I, the aforementioned Joe Hackett

"herein referred to as Joey,

state that when I'm a grownup..."

Here he comes!

(all cheering)

As mayor of this island, it is a privilege...

No, it's an honor...

No, it's a dream come true

to welcome back

the greatest baseball player ever

and quite possibly

the most magnificent man alive--

Joey Hackett.

(cheering and applause)

Before we commence

with the Joey Hackett Day festivities,

"The Hack" has graciously agreed

to take some questions from the press.

Okay, fire away but no curve balls.

(laughter)

(laughter stops)

Joe, how do you find the energy

to be the greatest baseball player

who ever lived,

bring peace to all nations of the world

and still manage

to look so darn handsome?

Well, hey, that's an easy one.

I start each and every day off

with a great big bowl of Joey-O's.

Mr. Hackett! Mr. Hackett!

Can I have an autograph?

Aw, gee, you know what? I don't have a pen.

(crowd groaning)

I'm sorry, sir. I should've

been here sooner, sir.

I'll do better, sir.

I told you, Brian.

You're my brother.

You don't have to call me "sir."

Oh, you're right.

Sorry, s...

I'm sorry.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Yes, that's true, but like I always say...

forgive yourself.

Gosh, Hack, you're the greatest.

Yes, he is!

You're my world.

Joe, if you're ready now

the limo's here to take you to the ceremony.

Well, I don't think we should start without Mrs. Hackett.

Where is my lovely wife?

(giggling)

Here I am, darling.

So pretty.

Mrs. Hackett,

it's a pleasure to meet you.

My, you look lovely today.

Well, I'm just trying to be

the best Mrs. Joe Hackett I can be.

Tell me, what do you think

of your husband's phenomenal career?

Well, I don't know.

I'm too busy trying to be

the best Mrs. Joe Hackett I can be.

If we're all ready now,

just follow us on over

to the town hall square

where we will unveil and dedicate

the statue to Joseph Montgomery Hackett.

(loud cheering)

Yay!

And then...

we will officially rename this island

NanHackett!

Hey, Hack,

will you autograph my crutches?

Crutches? You don't need crutches.

Well, I kind of do; I've never walked without them.

I hate that word "never."

(moaning)

(gasps)

My God!

I can walk!

You're the greatest, Hack!

BRIAN: All right, all right, hold the phone.

You laid on hands

and healed the lame?

And NanHackett?

Why not the Joe-nited States of America?

You were married to Casey?

That was your ideal future?

Hey, I was 12.

She was the first one to sprout boobs.

But what about me?

Aren't I even in that letter?

Well, let me see here, hon...

(cheering)

(chanting): Joey! Joey! Joey!

Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!

Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!

Joey! Joey!

Joey!

I...

Joey!

JOE: Nope...

Sorry. You weren't in it.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, we're just looking through this time capsule

we buried as kids--

looking at the stuff we put in there.

Wow. What's that?

The "Bond" issue of Playboy.

Not the magazine-- that adorable little rock.

May I see it?

Oh. Well, that's my pet rock. Here.

All right, me next.

There's a certain quality.

I find myself strangely drawn to it.

"I, Brian Hackett..."

Charisma-- that's what it is.

"I, Brian Hackett, 20 years from now will be..."

(gunshot)

(imitates Sean Connery): Very nice.

But I'm in the mood for something dry.

As you wish.

A martini that's...

Yes, I know how you like it.

Somebody's trying to make...

a point.

"Good evening, Agent Hackett.

"The enemy has launched a laser satellite

"aimed at the White House.

"You are to neutralize it.

"Oh, and by the way, watch your...

watch your pack"?

Excuse me.

Thong...

can you make this out?

(screaming)

Rest in pieces.

(doorbell chimes)

Hey, Brian, you ready?

League finals tonight.

I think we're going to take them.

I'm afraid that's not up my alley tonight.

Aw... nuts!

Well, the other fellas are sure going to be sore.

Please convey my regrets.

Tell them...

...something's come up.

JOE: Man, what a super cool pad,

and all on a teacher's salary.

Geez, I should've gone into teaching.

That's where the money is.

Oh, wow! Hot stereo.

Good morning, starshine

The Earth says hello

You twinkle above us

We twinkle below

Glibby glube gluby

Naybe nobby nuby

La-la-la-lo-lo.

You know, I tried to get the guys at the Red Sox

to give me a raise but the guy says I got

something wrong with my arm, says I got no control,

says I keep throwing peanuts to the wrong guy.

(doorbell chimes)

I'll get it.

Hi, Brian.

Listen, there's a bunch of dead guys

piled up outside your building.

Anyway, let's get going.

We'll miss the free wienie bar.

Brian can't go, Helen.

Oh, no. Again?

But it's league finals

and I've perfected my form.

As striking as that is...

spare me.

No one said anything about my new bowling outfit.

I'm sorry, my love.

It's...

(silenced gunshot)

(screaming)

...to die for.

Well, let's get going, Helen.

I want to get there early,

run this baby through the ball washer.

They got a new one.

Oh, hello.

Brian, your cleaning lady's here.

Joe, Helen,

you remember Mounds O'Plenty.

JOE: Hi, Miss O'Plenty.

Brian's such a slob.

He got a new cleaning lady every night.

Remember, I don't do windows

and I get off at 10:00.

You underestimate me.

JOE: Now, hold it.

I can't believe you actually thought

you were going to be an international spy.

Someone had a little problem with reality.

I think I would've made a great spy.

I don't know why I didn't pursue it.

Yeah-- this from the kid who wet himself

when I threw a snail at him.

It got stuck in my hair.

Well, all I can say is thank you both.

In your letter, I wasn't even on the planet

and in your letter, I was a planet.

CASEY: Okay, now let's read mine.

"I, Casey Chappel,

"the first and most beloved daughter

of Dee Dee and Phil Chappel..."

Beautiful, Casey!

Beautiful!

That's it. Give me more.

Now give me that famous pout.

Ooh!

Show me the perfume.

Beautiful!

Oh, money in the bank.

Hold it. We've got to reload.

Hair! Makeup!

Doll, you were spectacular.

I literally had tears in my eyes.

Yes, keep making with the heavy thumb on the Aqua Net,

we'll all have tears in our eyes.

Slow down.

You're giving her a helmet head.

Ow!

Slut.

Skank.

Boys, boys, please.

Can we remember what this is all about?

Me.

Absolutely right, sweetheart.

Some of us are just in a mood today.

Well, at least I'm not tacky enough...

Hmph! To wear clogs.

(gasps)

Casey, the client wants us to shoot the perfume

with just your hands and not your face.

(both gasp)

Well!

We'll see about that.

Where's my agent?!

I'm holding. I'm holding.

Right on cue.

Gigantor's here.

Oh, you're terrible.

Hey, cupcake, come here.

And you, go roust up some doughnuts. Let's go.

You should always wear black.

It's very slimming.

Yeah, Bernie, look,

we're not talking about some flash in the pan.

Casey Chappel won't work for chump change.

Oh, bubbula, what's with the long face?

Oh, they want to shoot the perfume

without my face.

Just my hands.

What?!

Who is that?

Casey Chappel.

That's right, binky.

So if you want a close-up of a hand

I got a model right here who wants to work with you.

Yes, sir. Anything, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.

Where's twinklebuns with my cruller?

Casey, if you're ready, we can start.

(music playing)

Gorgeous. Smashing.

Hold it right there.

Beautiful! Beautiful!

Yes!

Terrific!

Fat again?

What is wrong with you people?

So I was a big girl.

Couldn't you see past that?

Sure. Just move three steps to the right...

And lean way over.

Very funny.

All right, it's my turn.

I've heard all your sick, demented ego trips

but it ain't over until the fat lady reads.

It's over.

Oh, wh-what is in there?

Nothing. It's just stupid.

Oh, as opposed to "double-o idiot"?

Oh, come on, haven't we had enough for one day?

No.

Sit. Read.

"In my future,

I, Helen Chappel..."

CROWD (chanting): Helen! Helen! Helen!

Oh, thank you.

I love you all.

Whew!

Another amazing concert, Miss Chappel.

Proof once again you are the greatest rock cellist

the world has ever known.

Oh, please.

Just 'cause you read it in Rolling Stone,

don't you go believing it.

I hear them calling for another encore.

I already gave them 14.

I'll be glad to give them a 15th

but I'll be late tucking in the orphans.

(knocking)

BOTH: Is Helen here?

Folks, folks, folks,

this is a private area.

Hey, I got something that'll change your mind.

Here, say hello to Mr. George Washington, huh?

That ought to work, Diamond Jim.

Casey? Brian?

That's okay. Let them in.

Are you sure?

Yes. This is my dear sister

and brother-in-law.

Hey!

H-h-hey!

It's great seeing you guys.

You're looking...

Great seeing you guys.

Oh, fancy digs.

Hey! Nice hooch.

Hey, this must've set you back

like two, three bucks, huh?

Whatever this baby cost

would feed us for, like, a month.

Yeah, why don't you just pick her pockets?

Why don't you shut your blowhole?

Oh, go on, give me a reason!

Yeah! Yeah!

Well, you look beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

What is that? Silk?

Ooh, that was subtle.

Shut up!

So did you see the show?

No, sorry, didn't get to see it.

He scalped the tickets you gave us.

Well, it fed your face, didn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Dinner at Denny's.

I had to pretend it was my birthday...

again!

So, you in town long?

Uh, nah, actually, eh, got kind of

a big business deal cooking--

you know, something in sales.

Sales. Yeah.

He's selling his hair, his blood and his sperm.

Believe me, those wells are drying up.

Eh, you're always knocking me down, aren't you?

Knocking me down!

How much this time?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

Come on, put that away. Put that away.

We don't need any help.

However, 600...

a thousand ought to cover it.

Thank you.

God bless you.

Listen, of course, this is just a loan,

as we all know, and believe me,

I will pay it back as soon as my...

big business deal closes.

Yeah, or another sperm bank opens.

Give me that.

Now that's a safe place.

Nobody'll ever look down there.

CROWD (chanting): Helen! Helen! Helen!

Some guy outside wants to see you.

You want me to get rid of him?

Oh, no.

After all, my fans follow me from town to town,

they set up little communities.

I'd be nowhere without the Helenheads.

Show him in.

Come in.

Oh, wow, man.

I'm like really here.

Are you sure?

(goofy chuckle) No, not really.

Anyway, oh, you were, like...

incredible tonight.

Thank you.

Hey, can I sign something for you--

your headband or your love beads or your Birkenstocks?

Hey, Helen, man, don't you recognize me?

I'm Joe Hackett.

I've been at every concert on the "Mello Cello" tour.

Your sister's married to my brother.

Oh! Right! The successful Hackett.

Yeah, that's right, man.

Well, it was great seeing you

and I'd love to stay and chat

but, um, maybe you better get back to your seat

for the encore.

No. No, man.

I love you. I love you.

I need you!

I-I want you!

Hey, listen, there will always be a seat

on my love bus for you.

JOE: Hold on...

CASEY: Wait a minute...

JOE: Come on...

I can't believe you made me a stalker.

Wait. I'm confused.

Was I a drunk or just a weasel?

Who cares?

I had a bad perm.

I told you I didn't want to read it.

Well, I've had enough memories for one day.

Me, too.

Boy, I don't know what stinks more--

this or Jingles.

I'm just gonna put this back where I found it.

Here, Helen, give me your letter.

Um... I'll do this 'cause you have a flight.

Oh, great. Thanks.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Were you holding something back?

Tell me it's not worse than you said.

Well, maybe I sugar-coated it a little bit

but, Joe, what does it matter?

You're right. It doesn't matter.

We were just kids. What do we know?

Okay.

What did we know?