Original subtitles

Excuse me.

I hate to bother you,

but is this seat taken?

It's all yours.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa!

Pardon me.

Whoa, that's good coffee.

Well, okay, if it's that good

I'll have to order some.

So, uh...

wh-what are you reading?

Oh, uh, The Collected Works of Dylan Thomas.

Ah.

"Do not go gentle into that good night

"Old age should burn

"and rave at close of day

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

I'm impressed.

Don't be. I read it off the book jacket.

He sounds like a wonderful writer.

Oh, he is. I have a complete leather-bound collection

of all of his poems.

My father gave it to me for my graduation.

Huh. My father gave me a mule.

Well, he must have had a hell of a time wrapping it.

Not really. You know, once you do the ears the rest is clear sailing.

(laughs)

So, when you're not uh, reciting poetry,

what do you do?

Oh, I'm a cab... inet minister.

You know, local government, tariffs, treaties,

peace settlements.

On Nantucket?

Hey, we're a warlike people.

Okay, I'm a cab driver.

I was just trying to impress you.

You already have.

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

Hi.

Antonio, can I see you in my office for a second?

I don't think so.

This can't wait.

Kind of busy right now.

It is an emergency.

Okay.

Okay. Be right back.

This better be important.

Trust me, it is.

Okay, okay, what's the emergency?

I need help moving my file cabinet.

What?!

It's too heavy for me to move by myself. Now come on.

On the count of three. Ready? One, two, three.

Okay. Stop. That's it. Perfect.

We barely moved it.

Yeah, I know,

but it was askew.

Isn't it amazing how something like

that can throw off your whole day?

Yes, and you know I only wish I could stay

and slap you senseless, but, uh...

there's a goddess waiting for me in the terminal.

(snaps fingers)

(yells)

There, uh... there...

There was a... there was a woman here.

Did you see her?

Oh, God.

Oh, she's gone.

She's gone.

Where is she?

Who's gone?

Oh, there was a woman.

She liked me.

She was pretty.

She liked me.

She was smart,

and she talked about poetry...

did I mention she liked me?

Antonio, I don't understand.

If she liked you so much

what made you walk away?

(loud clatter)

Thanks for helping me move those file cabinets.

(sighs)

Last time I lifted something that heavy

it was a husband and it was dead.

Oh, Antonio, any luck?

No. I can't believe it.

I fantasized about a moment like this

a thousand times--

meeting a beautiful stranger

you know, making a connection.

And now it finally happens

and she's gone!

Well, Antonio, I'm not trying to burst your bubble,

but isn't it possible

that she was just making small talk?

You know, being polite?

Hey, I know polite.

Polite is, "stop ringing my doorbell.

I have a baseball bat and I'm not afraid to use it."

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, she liked me.

Now I don't even know her name,

because she's gone!

There must be...

must be some way to track her down.

I remember she had

an overnight bag with her

so she must have come in on a flight.

Well, if it's any help, she couldn't have come in on Sandpiper

'cause Brian's still in Boston.

JOE: Look, Antonio, even if you

don't find her it's not the end of the world.

There are other women.

(laughs) No. There are no other women.

She's out there on this island somewhere

and as God is my judge, I will find her.

Oh, and by the way...

if I don't, you're giving me Helen.

Roy, quick, I met this...

this great woman and she just, she just disappeared.

So I-I need your passenger list from your last flight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Scarpacci.

F.A.A. Regulations specifically state that...

All right.

There's 40, 50, five, six...

That's all I've got.

All right, here's the list

and take back five bucks.

You need walking around money.

"Moustache wax, large bottle of hair oil, support hose"?

Whoops. Sorry, wrong list.

Hey, Antonio. Oh, listen, I heard

about your brief encounter yesterday.

Did you find her?

No. Not yet.

And Roy, your-your passenger list was a complete bust.

Not even first names, just initials.

Turns out A. Muchnick had eight screaming kids

and was every inch a Muchnick.

Here, this one--

M. Rossi's a down-on-his-luck medical instrument salesman

tried to sell me a rib spreader.

From there

it just got spooky.

HELEN: Ahh...

Well, at least you tried.

You know, sometimes things aren't meant to be.

Well, this was meant to be.

Until your husband, Knucklehead Smith,

yanked me from my destiny.

Well, anyway, I refuse to give up.

I put a personal ad in the paper here.

"To the angel I shared

"a magic moment with yesterday

"in the Nantucket airport--

"I must see you again.

"Please meet me at our table.

"Do not go gentle

into that good night without me. Antonio."

Oh, that's sweet.

Oh, please. That is so lame.

No woman is going to go for that.

You should've used one of my sure-fire personals.

Now let me see... ah.

"French count with hot tub

looking to make a little bouillabaisse."

(groaning) (groaning)

Thank you.

How about this one?

"Texas oilman likes it crude."

(groaning) (groaning)

Exactly.

Roy, Roy...

these ads aren't going to help me find my magic moment.

Hey, with these ads I have found multiple magic moments.

(groans) (groans) (groans)

Precisely.

I kind of feel sorry for Antonio.

Why? Guy falls in love at the drop of a hat.

Well, at least he tries.

You don't even try anymore.

I don't have to.

I can plot the entire relationship

just by looking at a woman.

Oh, please.

Okay.

See that blond talking to Fay?

HELEN: Yeah. What about her? All right, let's see

what we got here.

Laptop...

alligator briefcase, expensive suit...

talking to Fay like she's addressing a jury.

I'm guessing a high-powered lawyer.

Funky little third

earring shows me why she'd be interested

in a long-haired pilot.

We sleep together immediately,

but the whole thing blows up in a trendy cappuccino bar

when she makes a big scene and reveals she's bulimic.

Yeah, right. You can predict your entire relationship

just by looking at her.

Uh, Brian, that woman over there says she's a lawyer

and she has to be in court in one hour.

If you don't get her to Boston on time, she said, and I quote

"She'll sue your butt."

Okay, but that doesn't mean she'll go out with you.

Oh, yeah, she also said it's a cute butt

and would you like to join her for a cappuccino

after jury selection?

Precisely.

I didn't miss her, did I?

She-She hasn't come by.

Oh, Antonio, I don't know what she looks like,

but the ad's only been in the paper a day.

Yeah, well, I think I'll-I'll just wait for her at our table,

'cause that's where my magic moment

is sure to come looking for me.

Well...

don't get your hopes up, 'cause maybe she won't show.

WOMAN: Antonio?

Not going to show, huh?

Yow.

Oh, darling, I thought I'd lost you.

It's me. Yesterday, the airport.

I'm back, baby!

Must be some mistake.

Ah, no mistake, sweetcakes. I'm magic moment.

Come on, my family's dying to meet you.

They're in the car.

But... but...

Come on, people. I can't do this by myself.

Antonio, it's late. We've been over this a thousand times.

And we'll go over it a thousand more.

One.

ALL: "Antonio meets a beautiful girl."

Two.

"Perhaps his future wife."

Three.

"Joe makes him move

the stupid cabinet."

Four.

"And forever ruins his life."

All right,

people, focus, focus.

Now, from my conversation with her

we know that she's... Helen.

A C.P.A. Casey.

With an interest in poetry. Brian?

Who drinks with her left hand.

Roy. And likes to talk about her father.

Conclusion... Fay.

We have a smart-ass southpaw bean counter

with a daddy complex.

This is hopeless.

Casey, how's that sketch of her coming?

Finished.

What the hell is that?

That's a caricature.

Hey, it's the only way I know how to draw.

Besides, I think it captures the essence of the woman.

She's on skis.

Well, I put everyone on skis. I don't know how to draw feet.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know, it, it, it, it does kind of look like her.

Great. Now we can go. No! No! No!

I need more leads.

Oh, no, look, I've had enough.

Listen, Antonio, this is your magic moment.

Don't you remember any details, like her hair?

Brown.

Oh, okay, what about her dress?

Uh... had flowers on it.

Oh, uh, how about her shoes?

Ah, come on.

I'm a man. I mean...

what do I know about these things?

From what I saw, it was a tan sling-back pump

with a two-and-a-half inch Louis XIV heel

and a matte gold buckle.

It's not like I got a very good look.

Oh, wait a minute.

I know those shoes.

You can only get them at Bruno Ferelli's in Boston.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What?

She wore them

with a floral print?

That is so tacky.

All right, all right, so, so, so...

so, we've got a picture and, and a shoe store.

Joe, tomorrow we'll fly to Boston and check it out.

Why do I have to go? (snaps fingers)

ALL: "'Cause you forever ruined his life."

ANTONIO: Okay. Good work, people.

Let's call it a night.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, and remember...

be careful out there.

Hey, Brian, come here.

I've been checking out that woman.

I think she's perfect for you.

Uh... never work. No, come on.

I've been practicing all the things you taught me.

Just hear me out.

All right. Make your case.

Okay. She's an attractive woman

but not in a high-maintenance way,

so you both have time to talk about you.

Small laugh lines around the eyes--

sense of humor.

Casual shoulder bag, not a briefcase.

So, she's got a job, but she's not obsessed about it.

In short, she's Brian Hackett material.

Call the caterer, book the hall.

Ah...

you look... but you do not see.

What? What did I miss?

Her jacket.

There's a slight discoloration

on the left shoulder.

What does that tell you?

She's got a lousy dry cleaners.

No. Look.

She's not wearing any jewelry at all.

Why?

Because she's... cheap.

She has no taste

and she can't accessorize.

Who does she fear?

A burglar.

Think smaller.

A tiny burglar.

Put it all together.

Discoloration on the left shoulder,

fear of someone pulling off jewelry...

Baby... she's a single mom.

And therefore...

She won't have any time for your needs,

'cause we know how selfish you are

so you don't want to get involved at all.

You have learned much

and yet, there is much to learn.

How'd it go in Boston?

We have a name. Reed. Ariel Reed.

Cute. Any other leads?

She bought high- end jogging shoes.

There's only one place on the island

for a serious runner to work out.

Pilgrim's Park. Right.

We're on it. Let's move.

All right, we're in luck.

Two jelly doughnuts.

Which one do you want, red or purple?

(honking horn)

Oh! No! What? What?

Stay awake! Stay awake! She could have passed right by here.

Now pull out.

Look, um, Antonio, how much longer

are we going to keep this up?

We have covered every square inch of this island.

We've put a poster on every tree,

every telephone pole and every store window.

I'm tired.

I had a bad burrito.

You can only push a man so far before he starts to crack.

Do I have to remind you that it's because of you

that she's gone?!

Would you calm down? You're getting out of control.

I am not out of control.

Attention, citizens.

If you have knowledge of Ariel Reed

please contact me immediately.

There is a cash reward.

Look, Antonio, um...

I don't mean to be negative here, but, uh

you're going to have to ask yourself

what happens if you don't...?

Ah...!

What happens if you...?

Ah-ah-ah-ah...!

What happens...?

Careful.

What happens if you don't find her?

There, I said it. Aah!

You think this is all just ridiculous, huh?

You don't understand.

What happened to me yesterday doesn't happen to me.

We made a connection.

It was only five minutes.

And why was it only five minutes?

I said I was sorry.

MAN: Pull over!

(siren blaring)

Don't listen to him, Joe.

What-What are you talking about? We'll wind up in jail.

MAN (over bullhorn): I said, pull over!

We heard you, flatfoot.

Oh, yes, by all means

let's top this wonderful evening off

with a delightful body cavity search.

All right, you two...

why don't you head for home

before I have to take you down to the station?

We have laws against soliciting.

Oh, no, no, no, Officer, it was nothing like that.

We were just offering people money to find a woman.

All right, out of the car.

No, no, Officer, please, let me explain here.

You see, my friend met a woman at the airport the other day

and she left before he could get her phone number,

and now he is desperate to find her.

Okay, okay, but I still want you to leave the area.

If you see the woman on this flyer, call us, please?

Oh, a skier, huh?

She's got kind of a big face for her body.

It's a theme in my life.

Thank you, Officer.

Antonio, please...

can we go home now?

We have tried everything.

No, not everything.

We haven't tried this.

Citizens of Nantucket, we are under alien attack.

Okay, now that I've gotten your attention...

there was a woman.

She liked me.

Okay, Brian...

Check her out.

Twirling a phantom ring on her finger--

recently divorced.

Donna Karan suit--

took her ex to the cleaners.

Frown lines around her eyes-- bitter.

The next guy that dates her is going to pay.

This one's a no-brainer-- pass.

I'm impressed.

You no longer need me.

You...

you can pick up women on your own.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ask her out.

Wait.

What are you talking about? The clothes, the ring.

We agreed-- she's all wrong for you.

Who cares? She's beautiful.

If I listen to myself, I'd never get any.

(groans)

Hey, bright eyes.

Look alive.

You know where I can find

an Antonio Scrap-pa-chi?

That's Scarpacci.

What's this in reference to?

What are you, his social secretary?

Just skip the lip and finger him for me.

Okay, okay.

It's that mug over there crying into a cup of java.

Thanks.

See you in the funny papers.

You Scrapachi?

I'm, uh...

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

You want the lowdown

on the little dish on skis?

You know where I can find Ariel?

Not so fast. How do we know this dame's on the level?

I bunk at the boarding house

where she's staying,

and when new talent checks in

this dish notices.

How do we know she's the real goods

and why am I talkin' this way?

There ain't nothing wrong with these blinkers.

It's her, all right.

Okay, okay, then make with the address.

Not until I see some scratch.

Oh.

So that's your angle.

You two stop doing that.

I'll stop if she does.

Just fork over the reward money.

You heard her, Joe. Fork over the reward money.

Keep your shirt on.

Okay, dollface, here's a sawbuck.

Now, make like a canary and sing.

She's at 112 Navy Street.

Room five.

Okay, sister. Scram.

I'm gone, I'm gone.

Huh?

So? So? What do you think now?

She may have some miles on her,

but she's got a walk I can feel in my left pocket.

WOMAN: Who is it?

It's me. Antonio.

Antonio!

Oh, my God, you remember my name!

How did you find me?

I just took out an ad in the paper

flew to Boston, tracked down a shoe store,

staked out a jogging track,

called your name through a bullhorn

and put your picture up all over town.

It's no big deal.

What?

My picture's up all over town?

I just could not rest until I found you again.

And neither could we.

Oh, my God.

Please don't shoot. I swear I'm legal.

Easy, Gretchen.

Gretchen? No, no. There must be some mistake.

You've got the wrong woman.

Her name is Ariel.

No, it isn't.

It's Gretchen Tyler,

and she's wanted for embezzling $100,000

from the Boston Savings & Loan.

Ariel, is this true?

I want a lawyer.

Thanks, buddy.

If it wasn't for you and your posters,

we never would have tracked her down.

(sheepish chuckle)

Let's go.

I don't care how long they send you away for--

I'll wait.

Don't worry.

When I get out, I'll find you.

What's with all the heat?

Oh.

I get it.

They're sending your little skirt up the river, huh?

Tough break.

You know what you need?

A shot of bourbon

and a friendly shoulder to cry on, and I got both.

You all right, Johnny?

What are you going to do?

Dames.

So, in the same week

that my mother had the gallstones removed

my father had a double hernia operation.

And to make matters really worse

the girl that does my nails got deported.

So... so what are you reading?

Oh, I read anything with Fabio on the cover.

Ah...

Stories of tortured love and romance

in the antebellum South.

Hey! Are you looking at the book jacket?

Antonio, can I see you in my office for a second?

You got it!