Original subtitles

Hey there, Helen.

Hey, Clete, how's it going?

Clete?

That's got to be trouble.

Come on, Roy, it's just the water delivery guy.

Hey, I missed you last week.

Oh, yeah, I was at the dentist.

Oh, come on, with that pretty smile?

( chuckles )

Yeah, you're right.

Nothing to worry about.

ROY: Man, that guy must work out

seven times a week.

That reminds me, I gotta take a nap.

Okay, I'll just go get you a check.

I'll be right back. Take your time.

I'll be here.

Hey, buddy, I'll take those for Helen.

I'm her husband.

It's okay. I'm just waiting to get paid.

Oh. Well, here.

This cover it?

Hmm?

Uh, yeah.

Well, just tell Helen I'll see her next week.

You might want to call first.

Helen's really not into water anymore.

Why don't you hand me those bottles.

Whatever.

Joe, what are you doing with those bottles,

and where's Clete?

( straining ): Had to go.

Another delivery.

So, where do you want these?

Look, Clete usually puts them in there.

Okay, no problem.

( bottles slamming to floor )

All right, then.

Glad I could be of help.

Hey, Hackett, come here.

Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

How would you like to get in on the ground floor

of the hottest new investment opportunity of the '90s?

These are words I'm going to live to regret.

Tell me more.

Ready? Yeah.

Rob's kabobs.

You mean shish kabobs?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not just shish.

No, no, no.

Here, look at the brochure.

"If you skewer it, they will come."

Well, uh, I'm sorry, Roy.

I don't mean to be a stick in the meat,

but, uh... all my money is tied up in falafels.

Hi.

Hey, Casey, how's it going?

Well, I just got my two-week notice from the Board of Tourism.

I'm getting laid off.

Oh, that's terrible.

Getting fired has got to be the worst thing in the world.

You feel so rejected worthless, stupid

and no good to anybody.

Fay, why don't you just take her out back and shoot her?

Yeah, I can't believe that they're letting me go.

I gave them such great ideas

for boosting winter tourism on this rock, you know.

And all they did was just reject every one.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Yeah, one second.

Casey, it's your boss.

Oh, God, what does he want?

Well, isn't it obvious?

He probably wants to can you now.

Making you feel all the more stupid and worthless...

Fay!

( clears throat ) Hello, Mr. Douglas.

You sound very handsome today.

What?

You're kidding.

Uh, yeah, okay.

Thank you.

I can't believe it. One of my ideas came through.

Nantucket's going to have a sister city.

Isn't that fantastic? Huh?

Huh?

Okay, I'll take a shot. What's a sister city?

Oh, um, you pick a foreign city,

and you establish economic, cultural and tourist ties.

And now, Nantucket has a brand-new sister,

and her name is Khirinan.

Khirinan?

Never heard of it.

Khirinan!

I know where that is.

It's just lovely, it is.

It's got beautiful...

and it's sandy...

with a... and the sky...

and boy, there's just no better than Khiradad.

Yeah, well, I'd better go read up on it.

You know more about it than I do.

Okay.

Uh, listen, Joey, I'm running a little behind.

Do me a flavor, pick up my suit from the cleaners, will you?

I'm Casey's escort for that sister city thing

she's throwing tomorrow night.

Yeah, I guess she

just wanted a little arm candy to walk in there with.

Okay, over and out.

"To the pilot."

( sotto voce ) That's me.

"You are incredibly hot.

"I keep fantasizing about all the things I want to do to you.

"Meet me after we land.

I'm sitting in back on the right."

Okay.

"Although I'm flattered, this is not my scene."

( woman clearing throat )

Oh.

What a difference a row makes.

Hey. Hey.

What would you like?

Well, I see there's a ring on your finger,

so I guess it can't be you.

Oh, you.

Now, if you keep that up, I'm just

going to have to give you a whole lot of free food.

( Helen giggles, man laughs )

Oh, man, what a night I had last night.

I met the most... fantastic woman.

I had the most passionate night of my life.

We made a connection like you would not believe!

Really? What was her name? I don't know.

Just call her passenger B-6.

You don't even know her name?

Well, you know, we didn't do that much talking,

if you know what I mean.

And this morning, she left without saying good-bye.

No note, no nothing.

Just walked out the door, didn't look back.

Oh, man, that's class. (scoffs)

You know what?

I really, uh... do not miss being single at all.

I am so glad that I am in a long-term relationship based on love and trust.

Excuse me, I gotta go save my marriage.

Hey, how's it going? Good.

I see you met Stanley.

Stanley?

She said her name is Helen.

Well... yeah, it's Helen now.

But, uh...

when we were on the wrestling team,

in high school together, it was Stanley.

He was a small boy, but he was wiry.

You know, I think he's got...

Oh, geez. She's... she's, uh...

I think she's got her eye on you. Lucky dog.

Have you decided?

You know, I don't think I'm that hungry.

Um, I'll see you later, dude.

Hey, Helen, can I, can I get a cup of coffee?

You sure can.

Fay!

Sentablor mecarnum, Helen.

Well, the same to you, Fay.

It's not even 5:00 yet. Yeah.

Sentablor mecarnum means "good afternoon" in Khirinan.

And-and this is one of their native costumes.

I thought it would be a nice way

of saying "welcome" when they arrive today.

You know, I... I don't see why we have to invite

a bunch of foreigners here.

They take our jobs, they date our women.

Before you know it, they're acting like they own the joint.

Are you going to pour that, or what?

"Ruled by Prince Restivon and his wife Princess Fala,

"the tiny island city of Khirinan is responsible

for a third of the world's talcum powder."

Isn't that fascinating?

Yes. I bet there isn't a chafed butt in the whole place.

Okay, the prince and princess will be coming through that gate

right over there.

So we need the councilmen here and the press over there.

Oh, I've never been so nervous in my entire life.

Well, try not to perspire, dear.

They're a dry people.

CASEY: They're here!

CASEY (clearing throat): Hello.

Welcome, Your Highness, to our island.

I am Casey Davenport.

And even though this is not your country,

our goal is to treat you like royalty.

Now, if you'll just give us a few minutes,

our minivan needs a jump.

Well, I'm sure our visit will be as delightful as you are.

Oh.

Thank you for inviting us, Miss Davenport.

And where, may I ask, is the other lovely Highness?

Well, actually, my wife came in yesterday.

She likes to mingle with the locals.

Ah, here she comes now!

Joey, did you see my...?

Oh, man! Man, Joey, that's her.

Who?

The woman I told you about.

The amazing, fantastic... The princess?

Okay, so she was a little whiny, but that doesn't make...

No, idiot, the princess of Khirinan.

And that's her husband, the prince.

Way to go.

Hey, come on, you guys, Casey wants us over there.

Their Highnesses are receiving.

Uh, uh, uh, maybe I shouldn't go.

I mean, I've already received.

I don't know what to say.

I've never met royalty before.

Oh, don't worry, Antonio.

They're just like you and me, only better.

Now just go over there and be yourself.

I'm sure they'll find you perfectly charming.

Hello. Uh...

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

I don't know what I'd do without talcum powder.

Uh... in my racket, you know,

I sit 12 or 13 hours a day.

Things can get pretty rosy down there.

Okay! Let's move the line along.

I would like to introduce you to my sister, Helen,

and her husband, Joe.

Hello, Your Highnesses.

I'd like to offer you a great, big, king-sized welcome.

( giggling )

Next!

Joe Hackett.

(clears throat)

Watch your back.

I would like you to meet Brian Hackett.

I'm sorry. I mean, I'm honored.

CASEY: Brian...

it's customary to kiss the hand of...

Yeah, I know. I-I-I...

Believe me-- last time.

Well, if you will just follow me.

PRINCESS FALA: Miss Davenport, I wonder if you could assist me.

Our two little princesses wish to visit the salon

before the ceremony tonight.

Would it be possible to procure them a driver?

Oh. Antonio, the princess would like someone

to drive her little girls to the beauty parlor.

It would be a privilege

to have Khirinan royalty in my cab.

And I wouldn't dream of accepting a penny for it.

Excellent.

Jaffra, bring in the girls!

Your Majesty, I am your most humble servant.

Dogs?

You-you-you want me to drive dogs?

Is there a problem?

No. No. No. They're lovely. Lovely.

Come, girls.

( growling )

Right back at you.

We're all so looking forward to tonight.

I promise, it's going to be a really great affair.

I can't wait.

There is nothing I enjoy more

than a really great... affair.

I'll see you all tonight.

Good-bye, Princess.

See you later.

Well, so far, so good.

I mean, I think it's going to work.

I'm going to save my job.

All right, great. Listen, about...

Khirinan is so fascinating.

Listen to this.

"The national color is purple."

"The official flower is the tuberose."

Yeah, yeah, Fay.

"The penalty for adultery

is cutting off the man's... pension."

Wait. Uh, uh, not-not pension.

I really do need my glasses.

Uh... oh, yes.

Well, that makes a lot more sense.

Okay, what is so important?

I'm not going to the party.

What? You're my escort.

Give me one good reason why you can't go.

I slept with the princess.

You'd better be talking about one of those dogs.

Well, there was some barking involved.

You just hate my guts, don't you?

You must have sat there and thought,

"What is the worst thing that I can do to Casey?

I know! I'll sleep with her sister city."

D-Ohh!

Well, you people sure are note-happy.

"Her Highness, Princess Fala, requests you to sit beside her

at tonight's festivities."

Well, I'm sorry, please inform the princess

that I will not be able to make it.

Put on your dancing shoes,

we're a-partying tonight!

There she is.

BRIAN: Oh, I'm in trouble.

See how low-cut that dress is?

You can see her karagnas.

All right, so I picked up a couple of words last night.

Two of them were karagnas.

Casey, I need to talk to you now.

Antonio. Now!

Look, don't move. Don't talk to anyone.

Don't do anything stupid.

You're really tying my hands here.

It's about the little princesses.

The dogs? What about them? They're not dogs.

They're furry, yapping piranhas.

Look what they did to me.

Antonio, where are they?

I was driving them to the groomer

when they decided to use my backseat

as their royal potty.

So I stopped the car and I told them

to get the hell out. Oh!

Are you insane?!

Too soon to say. The rabies test hasn't come back yet.

Look, if I can hang on just a few more minutes,

the sister city thing will be official, okay?

You find those dogs and bring them back, you understand me?

Fine. Fine, fine.

Look, there're still a few spots in my cab

they haven't fouled.

Say, Casey, psst, psst!

Princess at 6:00.

What am I going to do?

Okay, you just stick with me.

Everything will be fine.

All right, yeah, I can get through this.

I've got will power, I've got self-control.

Hello, Brian.

May I have a word with you in private?

Absolutely. Upstairs okay? Perfect.

Uh, Princess... Princess, um... ( clearing throat )

It's not that I don't understand

your taste for our local fare,

but there are some--

how can I say this?-- dishes

that are best tasted only once, much like mango.

The first time that you eat it, you think,

"Wow, this is the most wonderful thing I've ever had,

and the second time, it's dull and stupid,

and you don't know what you ever saw in it.

Well, then, you are not preparing it correctly.

You have to handle it very carefully

in order to bring out the natural juices.

( soft whining )

Believe me, when I serve mango, everyone begs for more.

So, who wants mango?

I could go for some fruit.

Uh... Princess, I-I think the prince is looking for you.

Go! Run!

No, he's just talking to that awful kebab man.

Oh, my God!

If you'll just excuse me for a moment.

And in the kebab game, you got your fast turnover.

You got your low overhead,

and you have got one hell of a takeout business,

'cause remember, goat travels.

Your Highness, the city council

is waiting to speak with you.

Oh, thank you.

Ooglop shmetz.

Why did you do that?

Stay away from the prince, Roy.

I don't want anything getting in the way

of the key to the cities.

You...

Oh.

Oh, hello. It's Jaffra, isn't it?

The little princesses...

they have returned?

Uh...

no, but...

Roy's here.

You, uh...

you look like a pretty shrewd businessman,

and I'm going to do you a big favor... Ow! Ohh!

Your Highness?

I just had an idea.

What if we exchange the keys to the cities now

and make it official?

Very well, but we cannot proceed without my wife.

Where is the princess?

Uh, well, last time I saw her, she was over...

there! And now she's not.

So if you will just excuse me for a moment...

There you are! Where have you been?

Don't ask. I don't know what's wrong with Joe.

We drove up, the valet tried to help me out of the car,

and Joe screams, "Hey, buddy, ain't you getting enough at home?!"

and just sped off.

Listen, I really need your help.

Just a second.

I'm going to try the national cocktail.

Hmm.

Well, it's kind of goopy, isn't it?

You don't have time to drink that.

I am in a lot of trouble.

The princess is all over Brian,

and if the prince finds out, I'm finished!

Well, what do you want me to do?

Well, distract him--

dance with him, talk to him, flirt with him.

Just make sure that he doesn't see them.

Oh, forget it. I'm not going to do that.

Fine. Then I'll just lose my job

and live off you for the rest of my life.

Yo, Prince! Come to mama.

Hello there, stranger.

Hi. Hi, hi.

Well... uh, bye.

No, I want to dance.

Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea.

Your husband is on the dance floor,

and there's people all around, you know.

( whispering ) ( sighs ) Ah...

Okay, okay.

Excuse me.

Coming through.

Dead man walking.

( slow jazz playing )

Antonio!

What are those?

The best I could do. Oh.

The royal rodents are gone, baby.

Long live Princesses... Zelda and Lightning.

See ya.

What is going on?

Those aren't the royal dogs.

Uh, well, on Nantucket,

we take your dogs, and we give you our dogs.

It's called the... traditional...

Nantucket dog trade.

( slow jazz playing )

Hey, Casey,

this seems like a really nice party.

JOE: What the hell is going on over there?

What is the prince doing with his head

buried in Helen's karagnas?

No! Joe!

Just let me give him the key!

Okay, pal, time to cool off.

( screams )

Joe... Joe, what are you doing?

What am I... what am I doing?

Let's ask the prince what the hell he's doing with my wife.

Why don't we ask him what he's doing with my wife?

You know what? I think this is the perfect time

for the key exchange.

What do you think? Huh?

Huh?! Huh?!

CASEY: Yes, is this the Tourism Board of New Delhi?

Good news. We're interested in being your sister city.

Uh-huh. Well, if you could just have somebody return my call,

my office number is 508-555-0174.

Just ask for Casey Davenport.

All righty, Helen!

Catch you next Monday!