Original subtitles

I know it's the off-season here,

but there's got to be something more interesting

than sitting around staring at each other.

Can anybody do this?

No, I can't do that, but, um... I can do this--

(clears throat)

One, two. One, two.

One, two, two, one. Two, one!

Three, three, three.

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Oh, please, that's nothing.

Listen to this.

(hand-farting "Yankee Doodle Dandy")

Wow.

Good for you, Roy.

You can make your hands poot.

Oh, uh, Budd, do you have any strange talents

like crossing your eyes or wiggling your ears?

Uh... no.

The airport, please.

My pleasure.

You know, sir...

I could drive you right to the airport, but,

um, if you're not in a big hurry

I could give you my deluxe tour of the island

where I show you the sights, explain their colorful history

and then end with a rousing medley

of award-winning show tunes.

So, what's your name?

Antonio Scarpacci.

Paesano, huh?

Si, si. Vengo da un piccolo villagio vicino a Napoli.

E lui?

Me? I'm from Sicily.

Ah...

So, how's America treating you, Antonio?

Eh, it's the land of opportunity...

unless it's winter on Nantucket, and you're a cab driver.

Then it's an unforgiving, barren wasteland

of desperation and despair.

So, how's our little island treating you?

I like it.

It's quiet.

Nobody bothers me.

Listen, may I speak frankly?

Eh, certainly.

When I came to this country

I was a poor schnook like you.

No disrespect intended.

None taken.

But I was lucky. I met someone

who took me under his wing and showed me the ropes.

You were lucky.

The first guy I met took me under the pier

and showed me...

Let's talk about you. Uh...

Wh-What business are you in?

Import-export. Ah!

What do you import-export?

A little of this, a little of that.

Well, at least it's something people always need.

Antonio, I know we've just met,

but I pride myself on being a good judge of character.

So, before we drive past the airport yet one more time,

let me ask you a question.

How would you like to come to work for me?

Well...

I'd make it worth your while.

How does 500 sound?

Are you serious?

Do you know how many fares it would take me

to make $500 a week?

I meant 500 a day.

500 a day?! (tires screech)

(horn honks)

Well, if that's your best offer...

Do we have a deal?

Are you kidding?

I-I only have one question.

Who do I have to kill?

Oh, my God.

Do you know who that woman is?

BRIAN: Oh, no.

It is her.

How the hell did she find us?

The albino must have ratted us out.

Of course.

What are you talking about?

We don't know. We're bored.

It's the off-season.

That's Mrs. Bennett.

Of course, it's Mrs. Bennett. She's back.

(foreign accent): She was the one in Istanbul.

Are you done?

Yes.

But it ain't over, not by a long shot.

So, uh...

who's Mrs. Bennett?

Oh, she was my senior English teacher, and I

don't want her to see me, not after what I did to her.

What? What did you do?

I didn't read Don Quixote

and I got a D-minus on the final exam.

Well, you are just pure evil, you are.

No, you don't understand.

She was my idol in high school.

I'll never forget the last words she said to me--

"Helen, I am so disappointed in you."

I can't go over there and face her.

Well, I don't know what you're worried about.

She's not even going to know it's you.

The last time she saw you, you were a big, fat tub of goo.

And now you're not.

Yeah, maybe she doesn't know who I am.

No, not unless you say, "I'm Helen Chappel."

You're right.

She won't recognize me.

Thanks, honey.

Ow!

That was for that "tub of goo" crack.

Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Can I help you?

May I have a cup of coffee to go, please, miss?

Miss?

Yeah, that's me-- miss.

Uh, coming right up.

Hey, Helen,

this letter was delivered to Sandpiper

by mistake, but it's addressed to you.

Okay, great. Thanks, Budd.

Least I think it's to you.

It's, uh, addressed to Helen Chappel.

It's your maiden name, right?

Chappel.

Yeah.

Such an English-sounding name-- Chappel.

(English accent): "Hello. I'm Helen Chappel.

I'll have a blueberry scone and a spot of tea."

You're Helen Chappel?

Yeah.

I'm Claire Bennett.

You used to be in my English lit class, remember?

Now, what's different about you?

Is that a new shade of lipstick

or did you drop a hundred pounds?

Well, both.

Listen, Helen, I'm going to be on the island for a few days.

Why don't we get together for lunch and catch up?

Lunch? You and me?

Yes.

Is, uh, is Thursday okay?

Thursday's great.

See you then.

And don't disappoint me.

Oh, my goodness, Antonio, look at you.

That's some set of threads.

What did that set you back?

Oh, please, Roy, it's so tacky to talk about money.

It's-It's the style, the elegance.

That's what you look for in a $2,500 suit.

Boy, did you get ripped off.

What?

This baby only cost me 49 bucks.

Not only that, I'm saving the planet

'cause it's made from recycled tires.

Fay, would you mind...?

Antonio?

BRIAN: Look at you.

Look at you. Joe, are you looking at him?

I'm looking at him.

Haven't you ever seen me in a $2,500 suit?

I've never seen you in a $2,500 car.

H-How can you afford a...?

I'll tell you how he can afford it.

You're being kept by old Mrs. Fimmel, aren't you?

She always did have her good eye on you.

(chuckles)

It's nothing like that.

I just changed jobs.

My cabby days are over.

No more hauling people around--

you know, "take me here, take me there."

Well, what are you doing?

I'm a chauffeur. Oh.

JOE: Antonio, I...

I still don't know how you can afford a $2,500 suit.

Eh, I don't know what all the fuss is about.

It's only a week's pay.

What? You make $2,500 a week as a chauffeur?

Who are you driving?

It's-It's a businessman.

His name is DeCarlo.

What kind of business is he in?

Import-export.

What does he import and export?

Little of this, little of that.

Uh... Wait a minute.

DeCarlo?

Import-export, little of this, little of that?

Antonio, are you sure this is on the up-and-up?

What are you talking about? Oh, I see. I see.

Just because Mr. DeCarlo's Italian, pays me in cash

is secretive about his business...

you assume he's a mobster.

Well, you couldn't be more wrong.

Brian, a little personal space, please.

Antonio, uh, are you sure

that, uh... you know what you're getting into?

(chuckles)

You know what's your problem? You watch too many movies.

All right, fine. But just don't be surprised

when he starts making you call him godfather.

Don't be ridiculous.

He's a regular guy.

I call him what everyone else does--

Don.

Yes.

He's coming in tonight.

I want you to take care of him.

I don't want any excuses.

I said take care of him.

(hangs up)

Uh...

everything okay?

Just a little family matter.

Little family matter.

Uh-huh.

I see.

Okay.

Tell me-- does your family do much ti...

uh, spend much time together?

You're a curious guy...

just like my last driver.

He was a curious guy, too.

Being a curious guy, I just have to ask--

whatever happened to that other curious guy?

Paulie was with me for 15 years.

I loved him like a son.

It broke my heart when he bought the farm.

Bought the farm?

Uh-huh.

I see.

Okay.

Accident, huh?

No accident.

I arranged it myself.

I didn't want to, but...

when he decided not to work for me anymore

I had no choice.

Uh-huh.

I see.

(strained): Okay.

But that won't happen with us...

will it, Antonio?

Uh-uh.

Morning, Chappel.

Chappel, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm reading Don Quixote.

Oh, Don Quixote, huh?

I saw that book.

It was at a dinner theater.

Dick Van Patten on a horse, right?

Listen to this, Roy...

"My heart is wax molded as she pleases

but enduring as marble to retain."

Do you know what that means? Well, do you?

What the hell does that mean?

I've been reading 600 pages of this.

I still don't know what's going on.

And Miss Bennett's going to be at my house in a few hours.

Hold on, I'm going to help you out here.

This is how it ended when I saw it.

Van Patten did a big number.

Then he got whacked in the head with a windmill,

then they served the veal.

Brian?

What is wrong with me?

My boobies won't dance.

Brian, Joe...

BRIAN: Oh!

Now you, mister,

are looking for trouble in a suit like that.

Hey, uh, Antonio...

About the other day, I'm really sorry.

I jumped to all kinds of conclusions about your boss.

I was way out of line.

DeCarlo's a mob guy.

I was right! I knew it!

When are you going to listen to me?

What am I going to do?

What do you mean, what are you gonna do?

You're gonna get out as fast as you can.

Oh, plea... And do what?

Go back to being a cabby?

Putting in 60-hour weeks, working for the man?

Lining his pockets...

Antonio, you're self-employed.

Well, you know, not every analogy works.

What am I going to do?

Brian, what do you think?

You know where I stand.

Look, Antonio, you know this is wrong.

You've got to get out as quick as you can.

I can't get out.

When his last driver tried to get out

Mr. DeCarlo had him killed.

Right. May I say something here?

When is the next time you're going to see DeCarlo?

Ah, he's coming to the island tonight.

Okay, great. When he comes here, you just tell him

that Joe and I offered you a better job.

And he won't kill me because...?

Because you've only been working for him for a week.

And this other guy's been working for him for 15 years.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, this other guy knew everything

about his operation

but you, I mean-- what do you know? Nothing.

That's right!

I know nothing!

I'm too stupid to kill.

I'd be a waste of a bullet.

Exactly.

Wait, wait.

What if it doesn't work?

Promise me you'll have an open casket.

I got to say good-bye to that suit!

"...whose credit this tale of my genuine Don Quixote

"has already shaken and which will

"without a doubt, soon tumble to the ground.

"Farewell.

The end."

Not a clue.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hi, Miss Bennett.

I'm so glad that you could make it.

Please, call me Claire.

Okay.

Ooh, lovely place you have here.

Oh, thank you... Claire.

Um, please sit down.

We have so much to talk about.

We certainly do.

So, catch me up.

What have you been doing since high school?

Oh, well, I started my own business.

I got married, and I read Don Quixote.

How wonderful. Tell me all about it.

Well, he was a Spanish knight

who fought windmills and lived in a dream world.

No. I meant your husband.

Oh, uh... he's a local yokel named Joe.

Can I get you some wine?

What a lovely idea.

You know, speaking of ideas, um...

even though Don Quixote was written 400 years ago

I believe that the theme

of a man following his dreams is relevant today.

On the other hand, I could be wrong.

I know what you're thinking.

"Claire, how on earth

is red wine going to come out of silk?"

That was one thing I was thinking.

Well, you can kiss those worries good-bye,

thanks to...

Real-Way spot remover.

We'll just spray a little on.

Give it a minute.

And the stain will magically be lifted out

by the patented Real-Way amino action.

Okay.

Well, that's good to know.

So, um... while we're waiting

on that amino action to kick in

um... let's talk about the action in chapter 56

when Don Quixote...

Oh, my God!

That's exactly how I used to react

to unexpected household spills,

but then I discovered...

Real-Way rug and carpet cleaner.

So, uh...

where do you keep your fine linens?

Hold it one second.

First of all, I don't have any fine linens.

And second of all, what?

Did you come here to sell me cleaning products?

Of course not.

These products sell themselves.

But what about Don Quixote and windmills?

Windmills, windows, windshields, this puppy cleans 'em all!

I thought you were a teacher.

I was a teacher...

until a Real-Way representative

knocked on my door one day and changed my life.

Now I live the Real-Way... way.

Forget it.

Oh...

I cannot believe I spent four days

slogging through 900 pages of Don "the snooze" Quixote

'cause I respected you.

I cannot believe that

I even cared what you thought.

I cannot believe...

that this stain is gone.

Poof! Like magic.

This is amazing.

Maybe I should get a bottle.

Just a bottle?

Oh, Helen.

I'm so disappointed in you.

A case?

Just a case?

A case of everything?

Antonio, would you sit down?

I can't sit down. I'm too nervous.

Why am I so nervous?

'Cause you're working for a mob guy.

Your life's not worth a plugged nickel.

Hey, Antonio, there you are.

Let's go.

Excuse me, Mr. DeCarlo.

I'm Joe Hackett.

This is my brother Brian.

We own Sandpiper Air.

Good for you. Shall we, Antonio?

Uh, no, Mr. DeCarlo, my friends

uh, want to discuss something with you.

Yes?

Uh...

Mr. DeCarlo...

you are a businessman.

I am a businessman.

You are a man of honor.

I am a man of honor.

Joe, please.

Uh... Mr. DeCarlo...

we mean you no disrespect...

because you are a man

of... respect...

as we are all men of respect.

And you got to respect that.

Brian.

Mr. DeCarlo, in business, there are times

when businessmen should sit down and do business...

What the hell are you talking about?

Joe... it's time to stop saying stupid stuff.

Yes, all right. All right.

We have offered Mr. Scarpacci

a position in our organization.

But Antonio works for me.

We know that.

Which is why we came to you,

Don DeCarlo...

on this day...

with all honor...

and respect...

to, uh...

Uh, to... to...

ask for your blessing

in...

releasing... releasing...

...Mr. Scarpacci on this day.

So what you're telling me

is that you're trying to steal my employee away,

because if that's what you're telling me

that would make me very unhappy.

Is that what you're telling me?

He said it, not me.

All we're saying is that Antonio should...

Should... Should what?

Should thank his lucky stars

on this day, that he has you for a boss.

So then our business here is done.

Done. Finished.

Never happened.

DeCARLO: Come on, Antonio.

No, no. Wait, wait.

I-I-I can't.

I can't stay with you, Mr. DeCarlo, because...

I don't want to work for a gangster.

What?

Okay. It'd be

my honor to work for a gangster. Let's go!

A gangster?

Is that what you think?

I treated you like a son

and this is how you repay me?

It's time I showed

you people how I do business.

Oh, my God.

There's got to be...

a million dollars in diamonds in there!

Yeah, and who else but a gangster

would carry around a fortune in diamonds?

A diamond broker.

Oh... yeah! Yeah.

Well, sure, that could work, too.

W-Wait a second.

Are you saying you're not in the mob?

Of course not.

B-B-But I heard you on the phone

saying to someone t-t-to take care of some guy.

That was the maitre d'.

I was trying to get my cousin a good table.

What about your last driver, Paulie,

the one who... the one who "bought the farm"?

What does that mean?

It means he bought a farm.

He bought a little dairy farm

in upstate New York.

It was his dream.

God!

Why didn't you just tell me what you did?

Hey, I'm carrying around a fortune in diamonds.

I didn't know if I could trust you.

So now that you know that you can

we could just put this ugliness behind us.

Yes, we can.

Ciao, Antonio.

Wait, wait, wait.

I still have three suits on layaway.

Wow.

Phew, huh?

WOMAN: Taxi!

The airport, please.

My, that's a beautiful suit.

(voice breaking): Thank you.

It's all I've got left.