Original subtitles

Mmm. I do not know

what Chappel's putting in this tuna lately

but it actually has, uh... what's the word I'm looking for?

Um, taste.

Oh, my god!

Don't eat that.

Where were you yesterday

when I had the sloppy Joes?

Uh, I-I don't know how to tell you guys this

but, um, I just got a fax from the Board of Health

and it seems that there may be a teensy little problem

with my last shipment of tuna.

How teensy?

Well, there's a remote possibility

that a few cans might have been contaminated

with an itty-bitty parasitic bacteria.

How remote?

Uh, oh, you know, one in three.

Oh, this is awful.

What are we supposed to do now?

Oh, don't worry.

It's just that in the next 72 hours

you might experience some minor symptoms.

How minor?

Oh, gosh, like, uh...

itching, swelling, a rash, cramps

vision loss, paralysis, cardiac... blah-blah-blah.

My God, we're all going to die!

No, we're not going to die.

Stop overreacting.

I can't believe the doctor said

there's nothing we can do

but just sit around and wait for some horrible symptoms.

It's driving me crazy.

Relax, Cochran, relax.

We are going to be fine.

Oh! The rash! I have the rash!

Let me see.

Oh, you put your hand in the grape jelly.

Oh.

Oh, Antonio, how are you doing?

Terrible.

My hair is falling out.

That wasn't one of the symptoms.

I know, but it still stinks.

Now, I'll be a bald man with a parasite.

Ooh. I'll have to beat the women off with a stick.

Hey, what are you guys up to?

Nothing much.

Just sitting here waiting to die.

Maybe later, take in a movie.

Well, you guys can roll over, but not me.

I'm going to beat this thing.

I'm flushing out my system by drinking a glass of water

every six minutes.

My goodness, how many glasses a day is that?

A lot. Excuse me.

Guys, I feel terrible about what happened

so whatever you want to order

it's on the house.

Helen...

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, you didn't have the blueberry muffins, did you?

'Cause they're not tuna-free.

No, I...

I just saw that psycho, Sandy Cooper,

out on the tarmac.

She has come back to stalk me.

Oh, here we go again.

When are you going to get it through your head

that Sandy is not obsessed with you? Oh, really?

Really? No.

Well, then how come every time she comes back to the island

she finds a way to get me alone

and all these weird things happen?

I'm telling you, the only reason she is back here

is because she is madly in love with me.

Hi, handsome.

See? Here it comes.

What did I tell you?

You better march right over there

and claim your woman.

Hey, Sandy. Hi, Helen.

Good to see you.

Hi, Joe. Good to see you guys.

What the hell is going on here?

Actually, I ran into Brian a couple weeks ago in Boston

when I was guest lecturing at Harvard

and we had dinner.

One thing led to another... Brian.

Can I see you in my office?

I'm kind of busy at the moment.

It's kind of important. Can't it wait?

Whoa! Guess that's a big no.

What are you doing?

This is a joke, right?

Tell me you are not dating Sandy.

Listen, listen, I know you had issues

with Sandy in the past.

That's why I didn't want to tell you anything

'cause I thought maybe you'd get weird on me.

I am not weird.

She's weird.

She is the weirdo, not me.

Yes, I see that now.

Brian, you cannot be dating Sandy.

This is a big mistake.

(sighs) Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, she's attractive, funny, successful...

I should just dump her and get back together with Gilda,

the woman who stole my CDs by hiding them in her wiglet!

Hello?

Hello? Don't you see what's going on here?

She is only going out with you to get to me.

Oh, boy, you know, if we knock out a couple of walls

and raise the ceiling a little bit

then we might have just enough room

for your ego in here.

This has nothing to do with my ego.

This has to do with the fact

that Sandy finds me so handsome

and utterly irresistible

that she will stop at nothing

to get the object of her desire.

I mean, get real.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

It's for you. Who is it?

Macy's. They want to use your head

in next year's parade.

So, I had just finished this passionate lecture on ethics

and I was halfway across the Harvard Commons

when I realized I'd accidentally swiped somebody's cell phone...

What'd you do?

I made some long-distance calls and pawned it.

That reminds me.

Is there a phone I can use?

Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Okay. But don't try anything

'cause it's bolted to the wall.

So, Helen, what's for dessert?

Whatever you brought

'cause dessert was your assignment.

Oh. Uh, well, uh, I'm got a, uh...

half-eaten bar of halvah...

which probably isn't...

I got to go get some ice cream.

Hey, Joe, thanks for being so nice

to Sandy at dinner.

I'm so glad you're not obsessing about her anymore.

Okay, here's the plan.

I figured out a way we can trap her.

Oh, no! And you were acting so normal.

No, that was just a cover.

No. That woman wants me.

And I can prove it.

Now, when Sandy comes back out here

I'll pretend we're alone

and then she'll make her move for me

and you'll be hiding right in that doorway

watching the whole thing.

(gasps) I know.

I'll put one of those little spy cameras in my bra.

Smile.

Don't patronize me.

I don't have a spy camera.

This is the best I could do.

Now, you see anything weird, you take

a picture of it.

Quick, here she comes.

Quick, hide, hide, hide, hide, quick. This is stupid.

Where are Brian and Helen?

Oh, uh, they went out for ice cream.

They won't be back for awhile, so, uh, we're all alone.

Great, because ever since I got here

there's something I wanted to say to you.

There is?

Well, I'm all ears.

Joe, I know you have a problem with me,

although I'm not really sure why

but I really appreciate your not letting it get in the way

of my relationship with Brian.

And...?

And that about covers it.

N-no, no, it doesn't, no, it doesn't.

Why don't we just sit down here, and, uh...

Well, I don't know if you realize this

but we're coming up on our one-year anniversary.

Our anniversary?

Yeah, sure. Don't you remember?

Last year when you surprised me in Helen's living room

and staged our wedding, and then we pretended

to go on our honeymoon to Paris and Hawaii?

Mele Kalikemaka.

Joe, why did you just wish me merry Christmas in Hawaiian?

Uh, because you're my wife

and I didn't get a chance to last...

Kalikemaka.

Joe, this isn't funny.

Oh, come on, Sandy.

We're here alone.

Is that any way to talk

to your little Joey bear?

Joey what?

Joey bear. Come on, Joey bear.

You know, you like to call me Joey bear.

Joe, stop it.

I know. Let's dance.

Like when you locked me in your basement

and pretended I was your prom date.

Come on, everybody do the hustle.

Joe, you're scaring me.

You're scaring me, too.

Go back, Helen, you're blowing it.

I forgot my wallet.

Sandy, Sandy, come on, tell him.

Tell him how you love me.

Tell him how you need me.

Tell him how you want me.

HELEN: Joe, why don't you

go upstairs and lie down?

N-no, no. No.

I-I'm telling you

the only reason she came back here

is to get me.

She wants me.

Me! Me!

Me!

W-Why... why are you looking at me that way?

(laughs)

Oh, I get it.

You think I'm nuts.

Well, I am not nuts.

Oh, no, not me.

Well, that's a relief.

Thank you for seeing us, Dr. Grayson,

and congratulations

on taking over your father's practice.

He finally retired, huh?

Well, if you call leaving my mother

and running off with one of his patients "retiring,"

then yes, he finally did that

But we're here to talk about Joe.

So, Joe,

what seems to be your problem?

Hmm.

Look, there is a perfectly simple

rational explanation for all of this.

There's a crazy woman who is obsessed with me.

Two years ago at my senior prom in her basement,

I'm wearing a powder blue tuxedo and doing the hustle.

I mean, what is that?

But that is nothing compared to my wedding

in Helen's living room last year and the honeymoon--

two minutes, two countries, a nightmare.

But she only does it when no one else is around

so no one else believes me

so you see, I don't have a problem.

She does. Thank you and good-bye.

Your father was institutionalized, wasn't he?

Yeah? So?

My father was quirky.

Quirky? There was a month

where he thought he was a waffle.

We poured syrup on him, he calmed right down.

Joe, Helen mentioned on the phone

that you've been under a lot of stress lately

what with your house burning down and all...

Yeah? So?

Well, we know your father dealt with stress

by retreating into a fantasy world.

Isn't there a chance you could be doing the same thing?

No. No! I am nothing like my father!

I am not a waffle.

Is it possible that things didn't happen

the way you remember them?

No, no. Everything happened exactly that way.

Exactly? Are you sure?

I'm pretty sure.

Pretty sure.

I'm kind of sure.

Kind of sure, Joe?

Well, um...

I thought I was, but now I don't know.

Um...

I'm confused.

Nothing makes any sense.

I need to sit down.

You are sitting down.

Attention, Sandpiper passengers,

Flight Three to Boston

will be departing in five minutes.

Departing.

Now, that's an interesting word, isn't it?

You know, not many people

know this about me

but I'm a deeply religious woman.

I wasn't yesterday

but then again, yesterday I wasn't a walking time bomb.

Now let us pray.

Quitter!

(chuckling): Well, I'm not going anywhere.

Excuse me.

Hey, Roy.

Well, in case we, uh...

well, don't make it.

There's something I need to get off my chest.

What is it?

You remember a couple of years ago

when you said you left your umbrella in my cab

and I said I couldn't find it?

It's been keeping me dry for two years.

That's okay, Scarpacci.

In fact, I got something I want to get off my chest, too.

Do you remember when you dinged my El Camino

and you gave me 500 bucks to repair it?

Yeah.

Well, the insurance covered it.

And the ding was already there.

Really?

Well, that makes it easier for me to tell you this.

Do you remember a couple of years ago

at the club car

I told you I liked this girl

and then the minute my back was turned

you hit on her?

(chortles)

Yeah, I remember.

Well, I got sort of upset

and I made a call to the I.R.S.

and that's why you've been paying back taxes

for the last five years.

You're kidding?

Well, that's kind of funny...

'cause I made a, I made a call, too.

Do you remember when you made that crack

about me needing Greenpeace to come in and clean up my hair?

Sure.

Well, that kind of bugged me, so, uh...

I called the immigration people and I ratted you out

and that's when you almost got deported.

Oh, yeah?

I overfed your fish.

I slashed your tires.

I firebombed your garage.

I put the snake in your mailbox!

You're a great friend.

Oh, buddy, I'll miss you.

Hey, Helen, how's Joey feeling?

Any better?

Well, the medication that Dr. Grayson gave him

seems to be helping.

He seems much better.

HELEN: Hi, Joe.

Hi, Joey.

How ya doing?

Fine. Okay.

Pretty good, I guess.

I don't know.

Well, all right!

I may have to teach you the business.

Joe, would you like some lunch?

Okay.

Here you go.

I'll have a B.L.T. Mmm.

No. Wait.

I should have a hamburger, shouldn't I?

No!

I'll have eggs.

I like eggs.

Don't I?

(crying): Yes, you do.

Good. Then I'll have eggs.

Wait. I can't have lunch.

I got to take a flight.

Wait! Hey, Joe, wait.

Here's a thought-- I'll tell you what.

Why don't I take your flight

and that way you can just go into the office

and take a nice long nap.

I like naps.

And when you wake up,

it'll be time for your appointment with Dr. Grayson.

I like him, too. He's nice.

Joe, you're doing good.

Yeah, we're proud of you, Joe, proud.

Someone pour syrup on him.

Poor bastard's a waffle.

Dr. Grayson, I'm here for my appointment.

Sandy?!

We need counseling, Joey bear.

Our marriage is in big trouble.

Honey, I'm so glad you came.

It means you care about our marriage

just as much as I do.

Sandy. Oh, my God.

I'm hallucinating.

I got to do that exercise that Dr. Grayson told me to do

whenever I get confused.

She's not really here, she's not really here.

She's not really...

I will not be ignored!

Oh, she is so here.

That's right.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

If you're here, that means I'm not imagining this.

That means I didn't imagine any of this,

and that means that I'm not crazy-- you are!

Just the kind of talk that's ruining our marriage...

Good, good, you remember

to act just that nutty when the doctor gets here,

which should be any minute.

What are you talking about?

The doctor's already here!

This is Dr. Rosenbear.

Really? Is he, uh, Freudian or Paddington?

Do you see what I have to put up with, Sidney?

(German accent): Well, clearly, you both push each other's buttons.

Joe, what do you think?

No. Sandy, I am not talking to...

(normal voice): Talk to the doctor!

I'm paying for these sessions!

They're coming out of my salary!

Clearly, you don't make enough.

Oh, doctor, did that sound castrating?

(German accent): I don't know.

Let's ask Joe.

No, I don't think she's castrating.

I think she's a freakin' psycho.

Now, now, we're all here for the same reason:

to save this marriage.

Yeah, that-that's right.

And we should stay here and work on it

till Dr. Grayson comes and locks you in his padded van.

I'd like you to try an exercise from my book.

(normal voice): Oh, "the trust game!"

Great idea!

I'm not playing any game.

You just stand behind me...

I'm not doing this...

And then I fall backwards, and you catch me.

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

Ready?

Come to papa.

(German accent): Ooh, that's got to hurt.

I think we still have some anger to work through.

Let's try the foam bats.

Oh, boy. Yeah, now we're talking.

You stupid

lousy jerk!

I hate you, hate you, hate you!

That's better.

Hey! Hey, wait!

I still have anger.

(German accent): I think I have the solution

to your marital problems:

Have a baby.

(normal voice): Oh, Joey, he's right!

And hurry.

I'm ovulating.

No! Dr. Grayson!

Oh, Joey bear, that was magic.

Honey, I have some wonderful news.

We're pregnant.

Oh... oh, Sandy.

This is a whole new level of...

(blubbering)

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I'm in labor!

Thank God we took Lamaze classes.

(exhaling rhythmically)

You did this to me!

Joe! Joe! The pain!

I need drugs!

We're way past drugs, baby. We're talking voltage.

Oh!

It's a little boy--

a little Joey bear, and he looks just like you.

I don't think so.

Frankly, I think you've been diddling Dr. Rosenbear.

(laughing)

(sobbing)

Oh, god...

I'm suffering from postpartum depression.

You'll have to forgive me

if I start acting a little strange.

Ha! Start?

Oh, look at the time.

Time to enroll Joey bear, Jr. in preschool.

How else is he going to get into Harvard,

and believe you me, he is going to Harvard.

Go, Crimson.

Say bye-bye to Daddy.

(child's voice): Bye-bye!

Wait. No. Sandy...

Sandy, wait! Dr. Grayson's not here yet!

Sandy...

Joe, there you are.

Oh, Dr. Grayson, thank God.

Did you hear all that?

Hear what? I just got here.

There must have been a mixup.

I got a message to meet you at your office.

Sandy-- she was here. She was just here...

and we had marriage counseling with a teddy bear,

and then she got pregnant

then she gave birth right on that couch.

And that was a teddy bear... too,

and-and...

And... you don't... believe

any of this, and, uh... there's no reason you should

and, uh...

(blubbering)

See ya.

Joe?

Yep. I'm back.

(gasping): Oh, that dead, vacant look in your eyes

is almost gone.

Man, that Dr. Grayson, he's a miracle worker!

Let's just say that, uh...

I had a breakthrough in his office today.

Oh, that's so good.

Are you sure you're over this "Sandy" thing?

Completely.

Good. Well, why don't you say good-bye to her?

She's in the office with Brian.

Great idea.

Okay, here's the plan:

What?!

You stand right over here

and you just listen to everything and remember.

Yeah, but I got to go...

Just do it, just do it.

Sandy, I-I...

hope things weren't too weird for you.

Well, you know, I adore Joe,

but I guess there's one in every family.

Hey, Sandy.

And here's mine.

Well, listen, Sandy, I'm late for my next flight.

When I'm in Chicago, I'll call you, okay? Okay.

All right. Bye, Brian.

Bye.

Well, Sandy...

Well, Joe.

You weren't, uh, gonna leave without saying good-bye, were you?

Oh, I couldn't do that. Good-bye, Joe.

Oh, uh, Sandy, isn't there

anything else you want to say?

Yes, there is.

Take care of yourself.

JOE: Damn!

Oh, and Joey bear?

Now that we have a child, next year I'm bringing Mother.

Casey? Casey, did you hear that?

Casey?

No!

Guys, great news. Come, come.

I just found out that my shipment of tuna

was not contaminated.

We're all in the clear.

ROY: We are going to live.

We're gonna live.

Oh, a thing like this really changes you.

I'm sorry about those things that happened in the past.

You're right. Roy, I'm sorry, too.

See you later, buddy.

Not if you hit "L" on your computer keyboard.