Original subtitles

Oh, hey. Scarpacci.

Um, I just ran into an old girlfriend of yours.

Really? Who?

Edna.

The big face girl? Yeah.

That's odd.

She never goes out before dusk.

Well, as coincidence would have it,

we both go to the same dentist.

She had the four appointments before me. Oh.

Oh, right. Right.

Her routine cleaning.

Anyway, we-we got to talking, and we hit it off, and, uh,

I'm thinking about asking her out.

You're kidding.

Most people ask her to go back in.

Fine, fine. Make your jokes. Fine.

All I know is, it's Valentine's Day,

and I'm going to be going out

with an intelligent and charming woman.

What are you going to be doing, huh?

Don't worry about me.

I got big Valentine's Day plans.

Hey, Antonio.

Lexington's can take us for dinner at 7:00. Ah.

I know it's Valentine's Day and all,

but don't think you need to get me any flowers.

( goofy chuckle )

Come on, Joe.

Tell me what you have planned for tonight.

No, no, it's a surprise.

Oh, I bet I know what it is.

Let's see, your first Valentine's Day

as a married couple.

You're going to fly her back to Jamaica

where you had your honeymoon

and toast your eternal love.

Uh, Fay...

And in her champagne flute, she'll find a diamond bracelet.

Oh, Joe, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

Well, naturally, no one can white-knuckle a buck like you.

I'm sure whatever you have planned will be...

Cheap.

Hey, I am not cheap!

You think it's cheap to fly my wife to New York

take her to a Broadway show, treat her to a wonderful dinner

and then spend a romantic night in a beautiful hotel?

I saw that deal in the paper.

Valentine's Value Pack.

Soup to nuts, you're out for under a hundred bucks.

Well, I think it sounds wonderful.

So, when we go out to dinner,

do I get to order from a menu

or do we walk down a line and dump stuff onto a tray?

Hey, it's one meal out of your life.

Look, honey, the important thing is, we will be together.

I mean, isn't that what Valentine's Day is all about?

Oh! Please.

I'll tell you what Valentine's Day

is all about, my friends.

Valentine's Day is a bogus holiday

manufactured by florists and greeting card companies.

Oh, I know what's going on here.

Brian doesn't have a date!

Brian doesn't have a date!

That's not the point!

I just think it's a stupid, stupid holiday.

What about Cupid?

Cupid! What's going on there, right?

He's a, a little, hormonal flying baby.

Shoots you with an arrow, and you fall instantly in love.

Right. That really happens.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Yeah. Of course I do.

Brian doesn't have a date!

Brian doesn't have a date!

All right, I don't, I don't have a date.

You're right, I don't, but even if I did,

I still think it's the stupidest holiday on earth.

I mean, only an idiot thinks

he's got to do something special for Valentine's Day.

Hey. What's going on with those dinner reservations?

Am I in or not? Back off, man!

I told you , they only have a table for two.

Besides, Antonio and I made these plans weeks ago.

Quit trying to horn in.

Oh, Brian, when you get to Logan,

you're going to load a Nebuchadnezzar of Veuve Clicquot.

Boy, you just said an entire sentence to me.

I understood not a word. Oh.

Well, a nebuchadnezzar

is an enormous bottle of wine.

And every Valentine's Day for the last 53 years,

the New England oenophiles...

Oenophiles?

Those people got their own club now?!

They're wine lovers, you ignoramus!

And this year,

your assistant director of tourism has convinced them

to have their annual Valentine's dinner on Nantucket.

Do you understand what that means?!

Yeah, yeah.

You want me to schlep a Nebucahoozie

of Jacques Cousteau.

I got ears!

Attention, Sandpiper passengers.

We are now boarding flight number eight to Boston,

or as we call it today the love plane.

All right, all right.

Break it up, break it up!

What the hell is this, Noah's Ark?

JOE ( over radio ): Nevada 1-2-1 Papa-Papa.

Brian, it's Joe.

What's your E.T.A.?

I'll let you know as soon as I take off, Joe.

You're still in Boston?

Yeah. I'm just waiting for a passenger--

M. Williams, but he's late.

However, the Nebuchadnezzar's right on time.

JOE: All right, look, Brian,

you got Casey's wine.

I say you blow off this passenger, you get home.

If Helen and I are not in the hotel lobby by 7:00,

we miss our complimentary cupid cocktail.

I'm on my way, dream weaver.

WOMAN: wait! Wait!

Uh, excuse me, would you mind

giving me a hand with these bags?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

I'm a little busy preparing for takeoff.

Thanks to you, I'm ten minutes late.

Oh, well, I'm terribly sorry, and apparently,

I've kept all the other passengers waiting, too.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

All right, look, lady, why don't you just

sit down and...

Oh, um.

Sorry, I didn't... Oh, uh... uh, no.

Me neither. Me neither.

Hi, I'm Brian.

I'm Melissa.

Hi. Hi.

Um, well, you know, I'll just...

Yeah, yeah, I'll... Also, I should, uh...

Fly the plane, yeah.

Yes, that... that... fly the plane. Yeah.

I know exactly what you mean.

Well, I have to tell you.

That disturbed me deeply as a child.

Pluto was Goofy's dog, right?

But Goofy was a dog.

How does a dog have a dog?

When the door to that trailer opened,

and I looked into her face,

I mean, even with a blond wig and the tattoos ( sniffles ),

I knew that I had found my birth mother.

She was so touched

that the next day she went out

and had my name tattooed on her arm. ( sniffles )

I didn't have the heart to tell her

there are two S's in Melissa.

MELISSA: I don't know about this, Brian. I mean, I'm really nervous.

Oh, no, relax.

It's just like riding a bike,

except if you turn the wheel wrong,

you don't skin your knee,

you plummet 10,000 feet to a fiery death.

Now...

I voted for Dukakis.

I worked for Dukakis.

I love Olympia Dukakis.

I love saying Dukakis!

Oh, I just have one question.

What are you doing the rest of your life?

Well...

No, you're right, you're right.

It's too fast, too fast.

We should slow down and take it slow.

Why don't we just move in together, huh?

Brian...

You're right. You're right.

I'll tell you what, we'll just discuss it over dinner tonight.

Tonight? No.

I can't tonight.

Why not?

I'm getting married.

You're getting married?

Tonight?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it just... it never came up.

Well, you've changed.

We never used to have secrets.

What am I going to do?

I mean, I've got 200 guests down there waiting for me,

not to mention a 12-piece band and a hundred pounds of shrimp.

You're getting married tonight?

You're getting cold feet, that's all.

It's perfectly normal.

So why don't we just forget what we had up here.

Go on with our lives.

This never happened.

No.

It is happening.

Okay, it's your call.

( hearty chuckle )

That's right, Edna.

Yeah... oh, no, no, no. The reservations are all set.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Uh-huh. What was that? You...

( guffawing )

Oh!

( wheezing laugh ) Oh, stop.

( laughing harder )

Oh, stop!

( stifling laughter )

Oh, what a sense of humor on that woman.

Edna?

I don't understand why somebody hasn't grabbed her right up.

Well, it's not that simple.

It would involve a complicated system of levers and pulleys...

So, where are you two...

going tonight?

Well, I'm actually going to take her out

to a very elegant French dinner.

And then, uh,

then you're just going to drop her off at her place.

No. No, actually, then we're going to go out

for a little dancing.

And so...

then you're just going to take her right back to her place.

Look, Scarpacci, you're taking an awfully big interest in this.

If you don't want me to go out with Edna, go ahead-- say so.

What? Why wouldn't I want you to go out with her?

Please, go. Have a good time.

Oh, uh, just a little tip.

Sometimes during dinner, she gets up to fix her face,

so bring a book.

And some needlepoint.

And your taxes.

Oh, Joe, the tower just called.

Brian is circling the airfield.

He says he's not going to land.

What?

Brian, it's me. Come in.

Yeah, Joe?

What's happening?

How come you're not landing?

BRIAN: I've been shot, Joe.

What?!

Cupid, Joe!

Cupid's arrow shot right into my heart.

It's true, Joey.

It really does happen.

I'm in love.

What's going on, Brian?

Did you get into that Nebuchadnezzar?

Joey, I want you to meet somebody very special to me.

Say hello to my brother, Joey.

Hi, Joe, I'm Melissa.

Hi, Melissa, very nice to meet you.

JOE: Could you put the idiot back on?

Isn't she great, Joey?

Yeah, yeah, she's great.

Look, Brian, why don't you land the plane

and take her out to dinner down here?

I'd say it's on me, but this Valentine's Value Pack's

got me really tapped out.

Well, there's a little problem, Joey.

She's supposed to marry this other guy tonight,

and so, um, she just needs

a little time to think it out.

Wait. What kind of person is this?

She's supposed to get married tonight,

and she's up there fooling around with you?

Don't you judge her, man!

You just met her.

You don't know her like I do.

Okay, you listen to me, you maniac.

I don't care what is going on up there.

You land that plane right now,

or, I swear, I will blow you out of the sky.

( door opens )

Helen, you are not going to believe this.

Oh, listen to this-- this is David,

and he's getting married today

on Valentine's Day. Isn't that romantic?

Yeah, yeah. Look, that's great, but Brian's...

Brian's flying his fiancée, Melissa, in right now.

Oh, so, you're the schmu...

Schmugradulations.

What?

It's an old Nantucket saying.

It means, um... "Best wishes on your wedding day."

Anyway, I was just telling David

that we just got married

and how wonderful it is to be newlyweds.

Yeah, well, marriage is not for everybody.

I would think long and hard before rushing into that.

Well, we're not exactly rushing into it.

Melissa and I have been together for ten years.

Aw... Ten years?

You have already known her for ten years?

That's got to be stale.

Joe, what are you saying?

We've known each other longer than that.

Exactly. Love fades.

Why are you saying that, Joe?

Is there something that you have to tell me?

Yes, there is, Helen. As a matter of fact,

can I speak with you in the kitchen?

( gasps ) You have to tell me something

on Valentine's Day?

Come on, Helen.

Oh, Joe, please!

Whatever it is, I'll change!

So, David...

David, David, David, David.

Well, before I offer you my...

schmugradulations...

Um, we need to talk.

About what?

Marriage, my friend.

Dull, dull marriage.

I mean, who needs it?

Waking up to the same old grizzly mug day after day.

Yeah, that's right. It ain't pretty.

No.

And this is my sister Casey divorced.

Didn't last, down the drain.

Another miserable statistic.

Hi, there.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

( scoffs ) We're married.

CASEY: Listen, where's Brian?

I've got to deliver that Nebuchadnezzar.

Brian, um... hasn't landed yet.

Hasn't landed yet? I mean,

he was supposed to be here, like, 20 minutes ago.

Is something wrong?

Casey, you're my sister.

If there was something wrong, wouldn't I tell you?

It's the plane, isn't it?

Oh, God! The plane is going down!

Oh, God! My wine!

Wait a minute. Is that what this is all about?

Is-is there something wrong with the plane?

Is Melissa in trouble?

Look, my brother is an excellent pilot.

If there is any trouble, I am sure he's on top of it.

So what do we do now?

I don't know.

Listen, you know, I don't want to pressure you

into making a hasty decision

that could affect you the rest of your life.

( beeping )

Which should last about five more minutes

because we're running out of fuel.

Oh, okay, okay, I've made my decision.

You have? That quick?

Oh, God, well, that's not very good for me, is it?

Oh, man, what was I thinking?

Valentine's Day, love at first sight, Cupid...

I'm not getting married.

I love that flying fat-assed baby.

Any word on the plane?

Oh, everything's fine.

They're on their final approach.

Why don't you have a seat?

I'll let you know when they've landed.

Fay... have you... have you seen Roy?

He's in his office

getting all dolled up for his date tonight.

I haven't seen him this excited

since the Nancy Sinatra issue of Playboy.

And to think--

all this fuss over the big-face girl.

Yeah, well, you know, actually,

she does have very delicate features--

that cute little button nose, the lovely blue eyes

and the pouty, pouty lips

and that sweet, sweet smile that goes from ear...

to ear.

Antonio, are you sure you're okay

about Roy going out with Edna?

Oh, please, I'm fine.

I mean, we had some good times--

some, some, some really good times--

but, hey, things change.

Well, good for you.

That's a very healthy attitude.

( whistling )

Bastard! I'll kill you!

You stay away from my woman.

Hey, Scarpacci, you said you were okay with this.

I'm not okay.

I need her. I want her.

Well, so do I.

I must have her.

Nothing will stop me.

There's only one way to settle this.

You take her.

Hey, if it's a fight you want...

Huh?

Well, if she means that much to you,

I'll step aside.

The last thing I want

is for Edna to come between us, Scarpacci.

I'll call her and I'll tell her

(sighs) I'm out of the picture.

Oh, thank you, Roy. Thank you.

I got my moon-faced mama back.

Roy, that was a real nice thing you did.

Yeah... I know.

So, how much did Edna pay you to sucker him back in?

Fay, this is Valentine's Day.

Give me a little credit.

A hundred bucks?

250 down, 250 on delivery.

Helen, come on, let's go.

Brian just landed.

If we hurry, we can be in Newark by 6:30.

Newark? I thought we were going to New York.

Well, yeah, the show is in New York,

but the airport motor lodge is in Newark.

Motor lodge?

Don't worry. There's a free shuttle bus.

We'll be in the city in, like, an hour.

Joe, Helen,

I'd like you to meet Melissa,

the woman who stole my heart.

Schmucongratulations. Schmucongratulations.

Stay close. I need your support.

Don't worry.

I won't leave your side.

Melissa.

David.

Nebuchadnezzar!

We need to talk.

Yes, we do.

This is gonna sound crazy,

but when your plane was late,

and they didn't tell me what was going on,

I thought I might lose you.

Oh, there's nothing crazy about that.

All I could think about is what would happen

if the plane crashed.

Oh, David, I... I really...

For a horrible second,

I had this vision of my life without you, and...

I kept thinking how I'd miss the way your eyebrows wrinkle

when you're worried--

the way you can never find one slipper.

Even the way you always leave

the countertop wet in the bathroom--

everything about you.

And suddenly, my life was nothing.

Oh, David...

May I say something here?

No.

Melissa, I know we promised

we'd stay two strong individuals,

but that's a lie. I can't do it.

You're my world.

I can't live without you.

Oh, David!

Uh...

cough.

Cough.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, uh, David, uh, this is, uh...

Brian,

the pilot.

The pilot?

Brian, the pilot?

Uh, Miss Williams, would you please come into the office?

We have to file a report on the incident, please.

The incident?

Yeah, we had a little thing up there.

It was very... turbulent.

Boy, you are good-- letting him down easy like that.

I mean, obviously, he's a very sensitive guy,

so I'll tell you what,

we'll just leave a message on his answering machine,

we'll slip out the back and go grab some dinner, okay?

Look, Brian... I've never met

anyone like you before.

I mean,

you're funny and smart and sexy and charming...

And you're going to marry him, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

So, then what was I?

Um, a case of the...

pre-wedding jitters?

No. No, Brian, no.

Look, in the ten years

that David and I have been together,

you're the only man who's made me forget him--

I mean, even for a little while.

Big deal-- an hour out of your life.

No, it... it was a big deal.

I mean, do you realize how special you are?

You almost ruined my entire life.

Really?

Yes!

Because of you, I was this close

to throwing away everything I know will make me happy.

Are you just saying that?

No, I am not.

There is no one else in the world

who could have almost made me do something...

something so-so crazy, so-so stupid, so utterly self-destructive--

something that I would have regretted until my dying day!

Well, thank you.

( knock at door )

Honey, we need to get to the church.

How much longer are you going to be?

Are we done?

I've got what I need.

Uh, just one more thing.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You, too.