Original subtitles

Hi.

Hi.

Guess what.

Since I've been assistant director of tourism,

off-season travel to Nantucket is up 15%.

Hey. Really?

So that would make, what, nine tourists?

It's up, okay?

And you know why?

I simply asked myself the question,

"Why isn't there more tourism in winter?"

Because it's colder than Pluto,

and the biggest winter sports are drinking and suicide?

Where you see minuses, I see pluses.

As a matter of fact, I have a group coming in any minute now

that's very excited about wintering in Nantucket.

Uh...who is the "I.S.M."?

It's the international Society of Masochists.

Oh.

There's no such thing

as the International Society of Masochists.

Really? Tell them.

You must be Ms. Davenport.

You sure didn't lie over the phone.

It's freezing here.

I'm incredibly uncomfortable.

Thanks.

We aim to please-- oh, and by the way,

your reservations at the Boar's Head Inn

are all set up.

And they have really hard beds?

What beds? I had them taken out.

You'll be sleeping on cold cement floors.

Oh, that sounds horrible.

You're a doll.

Joe, are you busy tonight?

Yeah. Helen and I are going to heat up a casserole

and then do the bills.

Oh! Boy, you married guys really lead the life, I tell you.

All I got are these.

Bruins-Rangers, center ice?

You can't get these. No one can get these.

How did you get these?

A masochistic guy got them.

He really wanted to go, too, so he gave them to me.

This is the biggest game of the season!

When do we leave?

Right now. We'll take my Boston flight.

Great. Let's go.

Wait. Wait. Oh, damn. We can't both go.

Fay's out of town.

Someone's got to watch Sandpiper.

Man, I was really looking forward to the both of us going.

Life is not fair.

Hey, Roy, you want to go see the Bruins tonight?

Not the Bruins game.

They win tonight, they'll beat their own record

for most consecutive victories.

Nobody can get these. How did you get these?

You're not getting them. Let go! They're mine!

Hey, hey!

What's going on?

We want to go to Boston, but there's no one's here

to man Sandpiper. Oh! Let me, let me!

You don't know how long I've been waiting

to hear those words.

You got it.

(screaming)

Let's go!

Wait! Wait!

What does he know about running a counter?

Oh, well, I've watched Fay do it for years.

I've even practiced at home.

Hey, it's winter on Nantucket, you know?

You learn to make your own good time.

You two guys go. Shoo.

No, no! Oh...

Nice going, Scarpacci.

Because of you,

now I'm going to have to watch this game

at the sports bar... with Mom.

I just hope she doesn't start a brawl

when they cut her off after six boilermakers.

(typing)

Don't be nervous, don't be nervous.

You've done this a thousand times at home.

ANTONIO: Testing, testing.

Sandpiper announces the final boarding call

for Flight 19 to Boston.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

Excuse me, I'm going to Boston to see my grandchildren

but I only have a standby ticket.

Is there any chance I'll get on?

Ah, well, Sandpiper policy states

that standby passengers get to board

five minutes before the flight

and lucky you, young lady...

Oh...

There's one empty seat,

and the plane is about to take off.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you.

Wow, what a rush.

Hi there, Mr. Lutz.

How you enjoying the island?

It's a dreary, depressing wasteland.

I'm looking into a time-share.

So what do you recommend?

Well... the tuna fish looks iffy.

Although I've had a lot of complaints

about the turkey loaf.

I think you'll be unhappy either way you go.

Here you go, pal.

I'm on the 12:00 To Boston.

I'm terribly sorry, but it's all full up.

Uh, I don't think so.

I got a ticket.

Yes. Well, you see, Sandpiper policy clearly states

that standby passengers

get to board five minutes before the flight,

so I had to give your seat away.

Well, un-give it away, ace.

I'm Danny Connelly.

Tardy Danny Connelly.

"Dead end" Connelly?

Goalie for the Bruins?

I'm not much of a basketball fan.

It's hockey, you moron, and I got a big game today.

I don't have time for this.

Now, tell the standby idiot

to get their fat ass off the plane...

or I'm going to punch your lights out.

Uh, I wouldn't do that, sir.

Or what?

I'll fall and bleed

and probably cry like a child,

but you still won't get on that plane.

Oh, yeah? Just watch me.

(airplane taking off)

Was that...?

Uh, right on time.

Get me on the next flight to Boston, now.

Okay. Checking, checking...

Okay, that would be Aeromass, 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Would that be a window or an aisle seat?

I want to know your name.

Oh, it's Antonio Scarpacci.

Well, Scarpacci, let me tell you something.

You better pray I make it to that game,

or you're going to wish you were never born!

I couldn't help but notice how mean and abusive

that customer was to you.

Well, it comes with the job.

Really? Are they hiring?

What a way for the Bruins

to blow their winning streak.

I know. Ten to nothing.

It was totally humiliating.

Man, can you believe that game?

What happened to your hand?

Oh... when the Rangers

scored those three goals in the first minute,

Mom started to bite.

They'll know in 48 hours if I'm out of danger.

I cannot believe Dead End Connelly just didn't show up.

The guy's an iron man.

I don't think he's ever missed a game.

Dead End has never let his fans down like that.

Something must have happened.

You're right-- it had to be somebody else's fault.

I'd love to get my hand on the guy whose fault it is.

Hi there!

Boy, did I have a great time.

I can't believe Fay actually accepts a paycheck for this.

Well, we're glad you had fun.

Well, it wasn't all blue skies, you know?

There was this real obnoxious guy

tried to force his way on the plane

after I gave his seat to a standby passenger.

Of course, I told him no.

Yeah, well, that's policy.

Exactly! Then he tried telling me

he was some big-shot hockey player...

Uh... Antonio, who was this man?

Oh, who remembers?

Some silly name like Dead Guy... Dead Boy...

Dead End Connelly?

That's it. (groans)

ROY: Quick, guys, turn on channel 4.

Connelly is holding a press conference.

He better have a damn good reason

why he missed that game.

All I can say is I showed up for my flight on time,

and some nasty little airline clerk on Nantucket

bumped me for a standby passenger.

Please don't mention us. Please don't mention us.

So, Boston, if you want to know why our winning streak's over,

ask Antonio Scarpacci at Sandpiper Air.

Well... you live, you learn, you know.

That's what first days are all about.

CROWD (chanting outside): Boycott Sandpiper!

Sandpiper sucks!

Hello, 911?

Yes, it's Hackett at the airport again.

Now, this is the third time I've called.

Why aren't you here?

Th-There is an angry mob outside.

Listen, I know you're a Bruins fan.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Brian. Brian, help me!

These people are animals.

Oh, all right. All right.

(chanting continues) You stop that.

Brian, help me.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay.

Get off! Get back! You animals!

Okay, all right, I've got a plan.

I've got a plan. I've got a plan.

We'll slip out the back and we won't stop till we reach Mexico.

There... there, we can make a new life.

HELEN: Get out of the way! Let me through.

I'll take a piece out of them, and you can have what's left.

Hi, baby.

Boy, there's quite a turnout.

I bet half the island's out there.

Helen, Helen, did you bring it?

Oh, yeah.

That's it? That's all the food you brought?

That's all that's left.

There's an angry mob out there, and you know what they say:

An angry mob is a hungry mob.

I'm cleaning up.

Bye, I love you. Bye.

Yeah, try walking now, flyboys!

Nothing like the support of a good woman.

(phone rings)

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Jerks?!

Morons?!

Y... you're going to what?

Well, I'd like to see you try it!

That was Fay.

Hello! Excuse me!

Ma'am, this is a private office.

You'll have to leave now.

Really? Where the hell am I supposed to go?

Antonio, what's with this outfit?

Whole freaking island's after me.

A big flaming hockey puck

came crashing through my window last night.

I had to... I had to dress in the dark.

Obviously.

There's no need to say hurtful things.

Geez.

I, uh...

I do you guys one lousy favor,

and my whole world comes crashing down.

Yeah, well, if you had let Connelly on the plane,

none of this this would have happened.

But at Sandpiper, our policy clearly...

Hold on. Our policy?

You know, in case I forgot to mention it,

you are so fired!

For just doing my job?

Do you have any idea

what that's going to do to company morale?

Wait a second.

Joe, I think I have a plan.

I think I know how we can make this whole thing go away.

Really? How?

We give them the cabbie.

It's what they want.

Mm, may I...

may I say something here?

Yeah. We'll give them the cabbie.

Why should we take the fall?

I can see things are taking an ugly turn here.

Hey, where you going, toots?

Yeah. Where you going?

Nowhere.

Oh, my God! They're getting in.

Hey! That's all right.

It's all right.

How far can he get in heels?

Oh, long day.

Yeah, I'm beat.

Those new pajamas?

Yeah, got them today.

Cute.

Thanks. Okay, I'm coming to bed.

MAN: There he is!

(people yelling)

(objects hitting widow)

You going to read?

Yeah, I thought for a little bit.

Mind if I watch some TV?

No.

You seen the clicker?

Yeah, it's right over there.

Okay. Going for the remote.

Okay.

(people yelling)

(objects hitting window)

(sighs)

How long can we live our lives like this?

I know it seems bad now,

but, trust me, I think things are already

starting to blow over.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I just need to take my mind off it.

(applause over TV)

Folks, did you hear the good news?

Elvis is alive and going on a world tour.

Very, very exciting.

The bad news is, he's on Nantucket,

and Sandpiper Air won't let him on the plane.

It's awful quiet out there.

I know.

So what...

what do you think they're up to?

It's hard to say.

I mean, why don't they just make their move?!

I can't... I can't take it.

I can't take it!

Brian, Brian, no.

I can't take it! Okay...

Don't crack on me.

That's just what they want,

the bastards.

(knocking)

(gasps)

Who... who is it?

It's Casey.

If it's really Casey, knock twice.

(two knocks)

It's her.

Yeah.

Where... where's the mob?

Well, the chief of police made them move to the parking lot.

Well, about time.

Yes, well, now he's looking the other way

while they slash your tires.

Listen, I've been doing some thinking about this,

and you may be in a better position than you think.

What, just because we haven't gotten a bomb threat

in the last two hours there's no reason to break out party hats.

No. I'm telling you that the only bad publicity

is no publicity.

You are the two most hated men in New England.

You want to take advantage of that.

You're hopped up on something, aren't you?

Now, listen to me.

You have a golden opportunity to turn this disaster

into a public relations coup.

What in the world do you know about public relations?

Hey, because of me, there are nine masochists

camped out in a cranberry bog

freezing to death and loving every minute of it.

Okay. Okay, Casey, wait.

Would you wait? We'll listen.

All right, here's what you've got to do.

You've got to call a press conference

and apologize publicly.

That's it?

Well, not exactly.

I mean, you have to do it with a little showbiz,

a little humor.

You know, America loves a loser

as long as he can laugh at himself.

You've got to put some positive spin on this.

Wait, wait, a positive spin? Yeah.

Invite the media and get Connelly back here,

so you guys can apologize to him face to face.

Fine. Fine, we'll do whatever it takes.

Well, there's one more thing.

You need Antonio-- I mean, after all,

he's the one that blew it with Connelly.

Yeah, but it's going to be pretty hard finding Antonio.

We haven't seen him for a while. Yeah, last time we saw him,

he said he was going to take to the high ground

and live off grubs and beetles.

Well, this isn't going to work

without Antonio showing up and apologizing.

Well, forget it.

I refuse.

I refuse to make a public spectacle out of myself.

I may be a poor, out-of-work cab driver,

who can't make a living,

but even if I were a rich man...

I still wouldn't apologize.

Because I didn't do anything wrong.

First, he was late.

Then he was rude and abusive.

Antonio, please, we're going under here.

If you don't help us,

we're going to go out of business.

Oh, my God, what am I going to do?

On the one hand...

I should help my friends.

But on the other hand,

it goes against everything I believe in.

I've got to go see my priest.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please be patient, we'll start in just a moment.

They're almost ready. They'll be out in a minute.

Oh, and this is Joe Hackett's wife, Helen.

Maybe she'll say a few words.

Casey, I'm really not comfortable doing this.

Oh, come on, it'll really help the guys.

Just do it like we rehearsed.

Hello.

My name is Helen Hackett,

and I run the lunch counter over there.

So if anyone's hungry,

I just want to tell you

that for today's special we're serving crow.

(all laughing)

Helen. Helen?

Fire away, baby.

How has this incident affected your personal life?

Oh, actually, not at all.

I kind of like making love in riot gear.

I'll go get Joe and Brian.

Don't hurry.

Guys, are you ready?

Yeah, almost, almost.

All right, Antonio, just like we rehearsed. Okay.

Danny, I'm so sorry.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Aren't we forgetting something?

Danny, I'm so sorry.

I was...

No, no, no.

I just can't go through with this. Okay, okay, okay.

Just do the somersault followed by the apology.

And remember, when Dead End says "I forgive you,"

you look straight into the camera

and sob uncontrollably.

No, look, all these things you want me to say and do

I really shouldn't have to.

You weren't there.

It was his fault.

He was late, and he was abusive.

Antonio, none of that matters.

Well, it matters to me.

I did nothing wrong.

Don't make me do this.

But we're going to lose our business. Please.

Guys, we've got to get out there.

I mean, I left poor Helen alone.

I got to go rescue her.

REPORTER (laughing): Helen.

Helen, over here.

Okay, okay. First Greg and then Diane.

Helen, if you had one thing to say to Bruins fans,

what would it be?

I am glad you asked that, honey.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Let's get to the important issue here.

Isn't it true that Aeromass

flies nonstop to Boston six times a day?

Look, it's Danny.

Hiya, boys. (reporters saying greetings)

Thanks for turning out.

Greg, Diane, good to see you.

Danny, Danny, the people have a right to know.

Have you ever been bumped by Aeromass?

Hey, hey, there's Dead End.

Wow, look at him.

Yeah. Looks even bigger in person.

Dead End, I'd like you to meet

the owners of Sandpiper Airlines.

Nice to meet you.

He likes us.

He's really cool.

REPORTER: Question.

Where's Antonio?

Uh... Joe, Brian, why don't you tell everyone

why we've called this press conference.

(softly): Just stick to the script. You'll be fine.

We'd just like to say

that we were pucks.

Please, give us another shot.

Is this thing on?

Oh, look.

Here's my little friend now.

Hiya, Danny.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I got to agree with you there, pal.

You're sorry, all right.

(laughter)

Hey, Danny. Danny, will you ever fly Sandpiper Air again?

Well, that depends on my good friend here,

Antonio Sockpuppet.

(chuckles) Sockpuppet. That's a good one.

Actually, that would be Scarpacci.

Whatever.

Isn't there something you have to say to me?

Right. Uh... the puck stops here.

My goalie is to get out of the penalty box with you.

Well, we'll see about that, Scarpukey.

(laughs)

This guy's a major butt boil, isn't he?

Major.

Danny, it is my honor and privilege

to present you with the Royal Sandpiper ticket

which is good for lifetime travel anywhere we fly.

Dead End, let's get a picture of the two of you together.

Yeah, sure.

Me and my pal Antwerpio.

See, in the real world, a nobody like you

doesn't mess with a guy like me.

Okay. A free ticket anywhere Sandpiper flies.

Where should I go first?

Well, let's see...

how about straight to hell, you arrogant piece of dirt.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

We're kicking your sorry ass out of here!

Hey, nobody kicks my sorry ass anywhere!

You two idiots

just put yourselves out of business.

(reporters clamoring)

Thank you.

If it's, uh...

if it's any consolation,

I've never felt closer to you guys.

Okay, one bacon and eggs,

pork sausage for Brian

and ham and cheese for Antonio.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Apparently, we're a little fuzzy on what going underground means.

(Roy laughing)

Oh, good disguise.

Oh, you blend right in.

By the way, guys, in case you're interested

the news is on.

They're doing a piece on Connelly.

Once again, the big story in sports

is Danny "Dead End" Connelly.

In a stunning development, Connelly has left the Bruins

and signed a contract with their archrivals,

the New York Rangers.

Needless to say, Connelly is no longer the most popular

sports figure in Beantown.

(people shouting)

And you were worried?

ROY: Then on Friday nights, I pop in a TV dinner.

My favorite is the salisbury steak.

(chuckles)

Mind you, I don't always have salisbury steak.

Sometimes I have the yankee pot roast.

Uh-huh.

The dessert with that one is a cherry cobbler.

I actually prefer the apple brown Betty.

Uh-huh.

I'm not boring you, am I?

Yes, it's torture.

Please go on.