Original subtitles

Hey, Joey, come on.

We need one more on the tarmac

for a game of touch.

Hey, great, I'm there.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're not going outside without a jacket.

It's freezing out there.

Helen, do I have to wear a jacket?

Brian's not wearing one.

I don't care what the other boys are wearing.

You know how easily you catch colds.

But, Helen...

All right, Joey, Joey, let me handle this. Okay.

Aw, gee whiz, Mrs. Hackett...

if you make Joey go out there with a jacket,

the other fellows will really give him the business.

Look, honey, we'll go out there, we'll run around,

we'll get warmed up.

If I wear a jacket, I'll just get overheated.

Besides, you're not the boss of me.

Well, fine...

but when you are sick in bed,

don't come whining to me, "Helen, bring me aspirin."

"Helen, bring me orange juice."

Helen!

Bring me nose drops.

Helen?

Helen!

Uh, Helen, can you bring me some coffee?

Bring you coffee?

Well, can I bring you anything else?

How about some aspirin, orange juice?

How about a sponge bath?

You know what, skip the coffee.

I'll just go with the sponge bath.

I'm sorry, Antonio.

Joe's been sick, and all he does

is complain night and day.

He's acting like such a baby.

( phone rings )

Hi, honey.

Oh...

Oh, I know you're not feeling good.

Oh, your nose is running?

Oh, your throat's scratchy?

And your tummy's hurting?

Oh, baby, tell me all about it.

Fay, don't you look nice today.

I'll bet I know

why she's all dressed up.

That guy from the cruise

is coming here to visit her.

So you all excited about it?

Well, I was, but now I'm not so sure.

I mean, how well do I really know this man?

All I know is his name is Lyle,

he's from New York, and he hogs the covers.

Luxury cruise--

that's the way to travel.

I came over here on a Greek freighter.

I mean, stuff was going on, but...

FAY: What was I thinking,

inviting a man I hardly know to spend a week with me?

I must have been out of my mind.

Oh, Cochran, relax.

What's the worst that can happen, huh?

So it's a little awkward at first.

So he suggests having a few drinks

to loosen things up.

Next thing you know,

he's in Rio with your jewelry and your T-bills,

while you are handcuffed to a water heater,

trying to dial 9-1-1 with your big toe.

I got to get out of this.

Fay, what are you doing here?

I thought you were going to take the day off

to spend with your boy toy.

No, no, no... Brian, you have to help me.

I've made a horrible mistake.

I don't think I did

the right thing inviting him here.

Okay, I see. Well, I'll tell you what--

when he gets here,

I'll keep you real busy, and that way,

you don't have to spend too much time with him, okay?

Okay.

Fay.

Oh, Lyle.

How are you?

I didn't think it was possible,

but you're even more beautiful on dry land.

Oh, Lyle...

you're so sweet.

I have to admit that I was a bit nervous

about coming to see you again.

And now that I'm here, looking into your eyes,

I realize I was being foolish.

Really?

You had doubts?

Shame on you.

BRIAN: Come on, Fay, break's over!

Chop, chop! We got a business to run.

No, no, no, Brian...

I'd like you to meet my good friend Lyle.

How are you? Heard a lot about you.

Listen, uh... don't expect to see too much of Fay,

because we might have to pull an all-nighter.

No, Brian, I don't think

we need to do that 'cause, you see,

I'm going to be going out with my friend Lyle,

who I'm very glad is here, really.

That's too bad, Fay, because you know,

these work things,

if they don't get done well, then...

Hey.

Well, that's all right, Fay.

If you have to work...

No, I don't have to work, Brian.

Fay...

don't give me a hard time.

Come on, let's go.

Now, listen, you boob...

Lyle and I are going out today.

I am not working today.

Do you understand?

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Listen, Fay, ease up a bit, okay?

You're making this much harder than it has to be.

Come on, Lyle let's go.

Fay! You get in that office right now!

Oh, honey, just know that I'm here for you.

Hey, you must be Lyle.

I'm Helen.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, hey, hey, buddy...

Before you get any big ideas,

Cochran here doesn't have a pot to pee in.

Roy...

Just looking out for you, babe.

I assure you, sir,

my intentions are entirely honorable.

Well, I hope not entirely.

Hi, Lyle. I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

May I say it's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

I understand you're retired.

I envy you people.

Getting into movies for half-price...

eating dinner at 4:30,

not to mention all the bingo bingo, bingo.

You silver foxes, you really got it made.

Well, I paid my dues.

For 35 years I worked as a maitre d'.

You were a maitre d'?

At one of the finest restaurants in New York.

As a matter of fact, I'm writing a book about it.

It's called Right This Way.

I'm warning you, Fay, you walk out that door,

don't bother coming back.

( grunts )

( grunts )

Helen, when Joe first started getting sick,

what were his symptoms?

He was completely annoying,

he never gave me a moment's peace,

and he whined like a baby.

I think I have that.

Oh...

getting sick.

I hate getting sick.

Well, it's a good thing I'm here.

Take this.

Why?

Trust me. I always take these.

I haven't been sick in eight years.

Just put it under your tongue

and let it dissolve.

What is it?

Dehydrated sea anemone, fish brains,

and just a little mosquito larva for taste.

I hate you.

So, where's Fay and her maitre d'?

What is it with you and maitre d's?

When I was a waiter I had my fill of them.

You know, their turned up noses and their fancy tuxedos,

and all the time with the snapping,

you know, the snapping.

"Bus this," "Clean that," "Wipe this," "Kill that."

Turns my stomach to think Fay is dating a stinking "d."

Well, I got nothing against d's.

As a matter of fact

one of them moved in next door to me.

Oh, God.

No, no, no. He's a perfectly nice guy.

First night he spotted me over the fence

and he invited me to dinner.

( snapping fingers )

Gave me a real nice table by the window.

Hey, you two.

You enjoying the island?

I never knew how exciting Nantucket could be.

Oh, doing a little sightseeing.

Who said anything about sightseeing?

You don't have to draw me a picture.

FAY: Oh, Budd, I'd like you

to meet my friend Lyle.

( yelling ): It's a pleasure to meet you!

My name's Budd Bronski!

Uh, Bud... he's not deaf.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I've been working on the power drill!

So, Lyle...!

Budd! Budd...

Oh.

( very softly ): Lyle, I just wanted to say,

it's a pleasure having you here...

( inaudible )

( stamps foot )

Okay, we'll see you.

Well, I'm glad you're all here

because there's something that I want to say...

Fay, Fay, Fay, Fay, one second, please.

( phone rings )

Hi, honey.

Well, everyone, there is something that I want to say...

Oh, there you are.

Listen, that larva you gave me sucks.

I still feel lousy.

Look, I know exactly what to do.

Come back to the house. We'll thin your blood.

No, no, Brian, Casey, please wait.

I have an announcement I really want to make.

Yes, you do. Tell everybody

that flight five will be delayed until I come back

with thinner blood.

Attention, please.

Flight five to Boston will be slightly delayed,

and on a personal note,

Lyle and I are getting married tomorrow.

Fay... you're getting married?

Wow! That is... boy...

that, what is the word that I'm looking for?

Uh, quick?

So very quick?

Oh, that may be,

but I have waited my entire life

to find a woman like Fay,

and I don't want to wait another moment.

Hold it, hold it.

Let me, uh, let me understand this.

You mean, uh,

you have never been married

in your whole life, and the one

who finally lands you is Fay?

Yeah, what are you getting at, Roy?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Well, I think that it's spontaneous

and romantic.

Thank you, Casey.

What's more exciting than two people

just beginning to discover each other?

I agree.

And after all, isn't that the nastiest sex?

My, uh, every happiness to the both of you.

Well, uh,

if you'll excuse me, I have things to do,

arrangements to make, rings to buy.

And now I have the title

to the final chapter of my book.

"Table for Two."

Oh...

Oh, isn't he wonderful?

Uh, yeah, but, Fay, this is all so...

Well, just don't say "quick."

Well, I'll say it.

It's quick!

It is too damn quick.

I mean, he's nice and everything,

but what is the hurry?

Fay, we all care about you very much

and we only want to see you happy.

Just answer me this.

Do my hands feel clammy to you?

Look, I know it seems fast,

but why should we wait?

I mean, we're not exactly kids;

and besides, no man

has made me feel like this in ages.

Lyle is sweet, he's funny,

he a gentleman.

I'm a very lucky woman.

Listen, I don't care what any of you think.

Lyle and I are getting married tomorrow,

in the town hall.

No, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.

You are getting married in my home tomorrow,

and I'm going to make all the arrangements.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Uh, you might want to take a little Ajax

to that downstairs bathroom.

Hey. What's going on?

Oh, Antonio, I have wonderful news.

Lyle and I are getting married.

Well, Fay...!

Congratulations.

I wish you the very best.

Oh, thank you, Antonio.

I knew you'd be happy for me.

Marrying a "d."

as far as I'm concerned, she's dead to me.

Listen, uh, in case I don't get a chance later,

I'm going to give you

your wedding present now.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Right this way.

Antonio! Ah!

No, no, no. No, please.

Don't seat me, okay?

I can seat myself.

For the record, uh, only reason I'm here

is out of respect for Fay.

I sense you don't like me.

Is it something I've done?

You mean other than being a "d"?

Let me guess.

You're a waiter, aren't you?

Was a waiter, and a damn good one,

until one of your kind drove me out of the business.

Yeah. It isn't the first time

I've come up against a bitter "wait."

You fellows look at us, and all you see is the tux

and the cold, crisp manner,

but not one of you ever took the time

to get to know the man behind the podium.

Well, I mean...

All you waiters were back in the kitchen,

drinking the leftover wine, eating the unfinished dinners,

polishing off the occasional creme brulee.

You... y-you knew we did that?

Of course I did.

And don't you think I longed to join you?

The bartenders, the busboys,

even the dishwashers were welcome,

but not me. Never me.

I'm so sorry.

I never knew.

Consumed with hatred for so long.

Please, could you forgive me?

Well, Fay, you look beautiful.

Love that pin.

Oh, thank you.

That's my lucky wedding brooch.

I married all my Georges in it.

Um, Fay, all your Georges died.

Well, I said it was my lucky brooch.

Get away from me, you witchy woman.

I'm telling you,

you'll feel better.

I am not putting crystals on my nipples.

Fine. Get sick.

See if I care.

( sneezing )

Oh...

Which one goes on the left?

You nervous about the wedding night?

Probably not, seeing as you've been shacking up

since you got here.

At least you know what you're getting.

No surprises, huh?

Been there, done that.

So, where do you want me to sit?

Preferably in your car.

You got it.

She's ready.

( organ playing "The Wedding March" )

You look beautiful, Fay.

Thank you.

Dearly beloved,

marriage is one of our most sacred institutions.

The joining together of two people

who will love each other

for better or for worse,

for richer or for poorer...

JOE: Helen! Is it over yet?!

No! Shut up!

In sickness and in health till death do you part.

Do you take this woman, Fay Evelyn Cochran

to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you take this man

George Lyle...

( stammers )

What did you say?

Do you take this man, George Lyle...

George? Why did he call you George?

Because that's my given name, but I never use it.

Is something wrong?

Oh, yes, something's wrong.

Of course something is wrong.

I can't marry you.

Your name is George.

How could you not tell me your name is George?

I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a deal-breaker.

Well, it is!

There's a curse.

Fay plus George equals death.

Dear, you're not making any sense.

I had three husbands named George

and they all died.

Now, look, I'm not a superstitious woman,

but if we get married,

you'll be dead before the moon is full again.

Fay, how can I possibly convince you

that this George curse is ridiculous?

Ooh!

What's the matter?

I just had a kidney pain.

It's nothing, nothing.

Listen, put these on your nipples.

You'll feel like a million bucks.

I'll just put these puppies back where they belong.

Fay, this is silly.

I'm in perfect health.

( moans )

What now?

A stabbing pain in back of my eye.

Nothing to be concerned about.

Nothing to be concerned about?

If I had a dime

for every George who ever said that.

Excuse me!

Fay! Fay, please!

I don't understand what's going on.

Just give her a few minutes.

She just needs to be alone.

I don't care about any silly curse.

She could make me the happiest man on Earth.

( moans )

Uh, what's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

My throat seems to be closing up.

Just nerves, I guess.

Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is.

Oh, God, please, not in the house.

I'll be filling out papers till Christmas.

Oh, Helen, finally.

Is that wedding over yet?

Not yet, Joe.

Oh, Fay, it's you.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for your special day.

Uh, Joe, could I talk to you for a minute, please?

I'm really confused.

Yeah, sure, Fay. What's wrong?

We were right in the middle of our vows

when I found out that Lyle's real first name is George.

Really?

His name is George?

Yes-- George!

I mean, I've already got three dead Georges

on my hands.

I can't deal with another one.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'm just being superstitious

and letting a wonderful man walk out of my life.

Am I crazy?

Can there really be such a thing as a curse?

What am I going to do, Joe?

( snoring )

Joe?

Oh! Flying slinkies!

Joe.

Oh, wow!

These antihistamines really mess with your head.

Listen, Joe,

please try to focus.

I need your help.

Okay, the question is:

Can I really marry someone else named George?

Let me ask you this:

After you buried the first George,

what made you want to marry the second one?

Oh, I loved him and...

I couldn't imagine living without him.

All right.

So after you stuck him in the ground...

No, actually, he's above ground in a vault,

but go on.

A vault?

Really?

Cool.

Anyway, so then you met George number three.

What made you want to marry him?

He had the most beautiful blue eyes.

It was love at first sight.

I knew the moment I met him, I wanted to be his wife.

Even though the first two Georges

had already gone belly up?

Why'd you take the risk?

I loved him so much, I couldn't not marry him.

Well, maybe that's your problem.

What do you mean?

Maybe what you have to ask yourself is:

Do I love this George enough to kill him?

Well, he's a wonderful man.

I mean, he's kind...

Do you love him enough to buy him a headstone?

No.

I'd just be killing for sport.

Well, I guess you have your answer.

I guess I do.

Oh, poor Lyle.

This is going to break his heart.

Well, I guess that's better than stopping it.

Oh, Lyle.

Are you okay?

Quite-quite all right.

Funny.

I almost never have nosebleeds.

Well, it's all better now.

Lyle, I want you to know

that I care for you very much.

Fay, you needn't go on.

I know that look.

It's the look people had when they came into the restaurant

and said, "We're not sure. Can we just look at the menu?"

and they never sat down.

You're just looking at the menu, aren't you, Fay?

I'm sorry, Lyle.

You sure about this?

There's nothing I can say or do to change your mind?

I'm afraid not.

I see.

May I at least have a kiss good-bye?

Oh...

( groans )

My back.

I have a question:

What's the quickest way to the airport?

Right this way.