Original subtitles

Hey, uh... have you guys picked up your mail today?

No. Why?

Oh, God.

This can't be happening again.

What?

Roy's birthday party.

Oh, no.

What hell has he got planned for us this time?

"Blow the whistle, hale and hearty

"it's a choo-choo burger party

"'cause Engineer Willy's here to say

a big boy's turning 12 today."

Wow!

And I thought I was pushing it shaving three years off.

You see, this is Roy's little joke.

He only celebrates his birthday once every four years

because he was born on February 29th-- leap year.

Remember four years ago when he turned 11?

He had his party at Uncle Funtime's Petting Zoo.

I couldn't get rid of that llama smell for weeks.

I couldn't get rid of Uncle Funtime for weeks.

It took me two certified letters and a state trooper

to get that perv off my back.

Well, this sounds horrible. What are we going to do?

There's not really much you can do.

It's kind of like jury duty-- you get the notice, you go,

and wind up at a table with 12 angry people.

Oh, hey, Brian.

Brian, you remember last year when you went out of town,

and I watered your plants for you?

Yes, I do. Yeah.

Didn't I thank you for that already?

Actually, no, but that's okay.

Then there was the time the propeller nicked your arm,

and they rushed you to the hospital,

and I gave you plasma.

So?

You made more.

Yeah... yeah, and then there was the time

that the bus was careening toward you,

and I pushed you out of the way,

and I ended up in a cast for six months.

Well, hey, I signed that.

You angling for something, Antonio?

All right.

I need a little favor here.

See, my driver's license just expired,

but the registry is closed

and I can't renew it till Monday...

I need you to drive my cab this weekend.

Listen, Antonio, you and I

have been friends for a long time...

long enough, I think.

Brian, please.

Antonio, I'd love to help you out, but...

But what?

But I'm just not motivated.

You're right.

What was I thinking?

You'd have to give up your weekend.

You'd miss Roy's choo-choo party...

I'm in.

Um, look...

I'm a little confused

about this whole Roy-birthday thing.

Am I actually supposed to buy him something

for a little boy?

Mm-hmm, but there's a few guidelines.

He hates clothes, school supplies,

and he got all the Batman stuff when he turned 11.

You know, in its own bizarre way,

it's actually kind of sweet.

No, it's just bizarre.

Hey!

Hey. Where you been?

Boston, and you'll never guess who I bumped into.

Roy's son R.J.

Hold it. Roy has a son?

Yeah. They haven't spoken in years.

They had a slight difference of opinion.

R.J. Said he was gay, Roy said he wasn't,

and darned if R.J. wasn't right.

They'll be talking tonight

because I invited R.J. to Roy's birthday party.

You...? Helen, why in the world would you want to do that?

Roy is going to flip out.

Joe, you weren't there.

You didn't see his face when he asked about his dad.

He wants to see him so badly.

Yeah, but are you sure Roy wants to see him?

You just shouldn't get involved with this.

Don't you see? It's fate.

It's Fay?!

Roy and Fay have a son?!

It's fate.

Fate.

Open up your ears, Grandma.

You all come out

and say hello to R.J.

What? He's here?

Yeah, we came in on the same flight.

I hope you know what you're doing. I do.

What more could Roy want

than to see his only son on his birthday?

Legos.

Hey, Fay, you'll never guess

who's going to walk through those doors.

R.J. Biggins.

How'd you know?

I hear everything

that goes on in the office.

Everything... everything.

Hey, Joe, Helen.

Hey, R.J.

How you doing? Great. Great.

I want you to meet my Sister Casey.

Hi! Hi.

Well, I've certainly heard a lot about you, R-gay... J.

R.J.! I can't believe I did that.

Me, coming from San Francisco

where they're all over the place.

Uh, Casey...

Oh... oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

It's okay. I know what you meant.

Oh, thanks. You're so sweet.

That's what I love about you guys.

There's a...

simple explanation for her behavior, R.J.

She's an idiot.

So...

is the birthday boy around?

Uh, probably in his office.

Helen, are you sure this is a good idea,

I mean, surprising him like this?

We are talking about my dad.

R.J., just relax.

You know, people change.

Trust me, your father has mellowed.

I don't care if you just had a root canal.

Now, you smile at the passengers or you're fired.

Hi, Dad.

R.J.

What are you doing here?

It's your birthday.

Oh.

So I thought I'd come.

I see.

This is going well.

So, how have you been?

Okay.

You look good.

Thanks.

I can't watch this.

Tell me when it's over.

Uh... you know, this was a mistake.

I-I should go.

R.J.?

Helen, maybe next time you will listen to me

about stuff like this.

I know what I'm talking about.

Sure you do, baby.

Ah, I can't thank you enough for helping me out here, Brian.

Hey, no problem. Excuse me.

What, what do you think you're doing?

Uh... starting up the car.

I thought we were going to pick up some fares.

Just like that, without any training?

What training?

Someone yells "Taxi," they get in,

you take them somewhere, they pay

and then you declare half.

( laughing )

Except for that last part, you know nothing.

W-where you going?

I think we need a dry run.

( door slams ) Taxi!

Okay, uh, where to?

I'd like to go to the Whaling Museum, please.

The Whaling Museum it is.

So, uh,

what do you think about the situation in Russia?

Oh, yeah, that's a real mess.

I tell you, I think the problem is...

Wrong! Pull over. What? What?

What?

All right.

Two things you never, ever talk about:

politics and religion.

Yeah, but you just asked me...

Never mind what I asked. You don't respond.

It's the quickest way

to kiss your tip good-bye.

O-okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Don't worry.

Typical rookie mistake.

Okay. All right, let's go.

Listen, uh, I'm sorry I snapped at you.

I'm a little on edge.

My landlord's giving me a real problem.

I haven't had heat in two days.

Oh, that's terrible, man.

You should get yourself a lawyer...

Wrong. Pull over.

What? What did I do now? What?

Never offer a personal opinion about someone's life.

You never know what's going to set some maniac off.

I do now. I'm getting out of here.

No, you're not.

You owe me.

It's payback time, plasma boy.

All right.

All right.

So, the Celtics have got a pretty good shot this year,

don't you think?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

( clearing throat )

I say, the Celtics have got a pretty good shot this year,

don't you think?

( whistling )

Stop the car! Stop the car!

What? What? I didn't say anything.

Exactly! I ask you a simple question

and you rudely ignore me.

Yeah, but you said I couldn't have an opinion.

What was I supposed to say?

As a cab driver, there are three appropriate responses

to any given situation:

"Uh-huh," "Sounds great," "You don't say."

That's it?

If pressed, you can also comment on the weather.

Now, as I was saying,

the Celtics have got a pretty good shot this year,

don't you think?

Uh-huh.

Very good.

You see, now you're ready for your first fare.

Sounds great.

( laughing )

This is going to be fun.

You don't say.

( bell ringing )

I wonder what I should have.

I'm torn between the Choo-Choo Chili

and the Caboose Kebabs.

What are we doing here?

I feel like an idiot.

Well, that's much better.

Oh, you should have seen the Biggins boys.

We whipped these two little nine-year-olds at foosball.

Sent them crying home to mommy.

Is this place great, or what?

I'll bet I'm the only 12-year-old here

with a son who recently passed the bar exam.

That's true.

You're also the only 12-year-old here

who's recently passed a kidney stone.

And, you know, Dad, I interviewed

with this big law firm in Boston.

I think I have a pretty good shot at it.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Isn't that fantastic?

Son...

I am proud of you.

Thanks. And my personal life's going really well too.

I met someone really great.

Yeah. Balloon guy?

We need a hat here.

Uh, so, Dad, like I was saying,

this guy's very special to me...

Oh, look, look! Here's Joe and Helen.

Hey, you two! All aboard.

This party train's ready to roll!

( bell ringing )

How did it know to do that?

It's magic, Joe.

( blowing whistle )

Hey, it's Engineer Willy.

Everybody say, "Hi, Engineer Willy!"

ALL: Hi, Engineer Willy.

I hear we got a birthday boy at the table.

So, where is he?

It's me, Engineer Willy.

You're kidding, right?

Nope.

Okay, then, why don't you follow me

up to the Birthday Express,

and we'll get your choo-choo picture taken, okay?

You friggin' psycho.

Well, it looks like things are going pretty well

between you and your dad.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're, uh, they're going great

as long as I don't talk about being gay.

Well, don't worry.

He'll come around.

He's a lot more sophisticated than you think.

Next stop, Cheeseboro.

Look what I just won!

Oh, that's cute, Fay. Where'd you get it?

In that machine over there with the mechanical arm.

I got it on the first try.

You want one of those, Helen? I'll go win you one.

Oh, I don't think so.

What is that supposed to mean?

It's harder than it looks.

How hard can it be?

Plenty hard.

You won one.

Well, that's because I spent a summer

traveling with a carnival.

We'd see a mark like you strolling down the midway

and we'd say, "Come on in, Little Abner."

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Somehow, I don't think this is going to be a problem.

Honey, I'm going to go and win you

a little pink bear.

Okay, well, be careful, Joe.

Don't be a hero.

Is this place great, or what?

Engineer Willy wants to know

if we are all ready for Choo-Choo Chocolate Cake.

Cake? Does that mean it's almost over?

Are you kidding?

This party train hasn't left the station yet.

Okay, come on, now.

Easy, easy, yes, yes, yes...

Oh! Darn it.

MACHINE: Sorry. Try again.

"Sorry. Try again."

Forget it.

Hey, hey, hey.

I was here first.

Oh, there's Luke.

Who's Luke?

My boyfriend.

Your boy... you invited your boyfriend to the party?

Oh, that's so great.

I thought it was when you said Dad had mellowed,

but now I'm not so sure.

( bell ringing )

Ooh. Very "clang-clang-clang went the trolley." Hi.

Hi. I'm so glad you made it.

I want to warn you. This could get a little strange.

It's okay.

Luke, this is Helen.

Hey, Luke, nice to meet you.

And Casey.

Hi, Casey.

How was your flight?

Hideous. If God had intended

for people to fly, we'd have all been born

with wires in our backs like Mary Martin.

In Peter Pan.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, I used to love Peter Pan.

"Clap hard, everybody.

Clap if you believe in fairies."

Why do I keep doing this?

I'm a liberal.

I love you people!

Was that the strange part?

No. Believe it or not, she's on our side.

Chug-a-chug-a, chug-a-chug-a, whoo-whoo!

Here comes the strange part.

Oh, talk about a train wreck.

Hey! We have got a new passenger, huh?

Dad, uh, I'd like you to meet

my friend Luke Johnson.

Mr. Biggins.

It's nice to finally meet you.

R.J. has told me so much about you.

I hope we're going to be very good friends.

O-o-ooh. Uh...

Presents. I think I'm going to open my presents now.

Happy choo-choo birthday, Roy Biggins...

you wacko.

Who wants some cake, huh?

Uh, I'll have some, Dad.

Dad, you know, Luke is very talented.

He built his business up from scratch,

just like you did.

Yeah, just like me.

You know, Mr. Biggins, I was telling R.J.,

I think that having a leap year party

is a really cute idea.

Oh, yeah, it's real cute.

Dad, please stop that.

No, it's okay, R.J.

No, it's not.

I invited Luke here to meet you

because he's my...

I know exactly what he is...

and I want to thank you for throwing it in my face

and ruining this party.

Oh, so being who I am and living my life

is ruining your party.

Well, maybe I shouldn't be at your party.

Come on, Luke.

R.J...

Okay, let's swing down Main Street, okay?

We'll catch the dinner crowd.

All right, Antonio, look...

I need a break.

I'm tired, I'm hungry,

and for the last three hours all I've said is

"Uh-huh," "Sounds great," "You don't say."

That is so not true.

You've talked a lot about the weather.

MAN: Taxi!

To the airport, please.

Are you okay?

No. I can't believe I was stupid enough

to believe my father had changed.

R.J.?

Brian?

Is that you?

I thought you were a pilot.

Are you doing okay?

Yeah, I'm doing fine.

I'm just...

Rules. Rules.

I figured I'd see you at the party,

but I guess you missed it.

Uh-huh.

Well, you didn't miss much.

Dad and I got in a horrible fight.

He just won't accept me for who I am.

You don't say.

Well, I've had it.

I mean, if that's the way he's going to treat me,

then I guess I don't want to have him in my life.

As far as I'm concerned, I have no father.

Sounds great.

What's the matter with you?

"Uh-huh." "You don't say." "Sounds great."

The man is pouring his heart out to you,

and that's all you have to say?

Looks like rain.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn!

MACHINE: Sorry. Try again.

No, you're not sorry.

You're not sorry. You're glad!

Oh, come on, Joe. Give it up.

Don't make me put you in a program.

No. No, listen--

you go home if you want to,

but I am not leaving here until I win you a damn bear.

Thanks, Chappel.

I want to thank you

for making this a very special birthday.

You're right, Roy.

It's all my fault.

I gave you way too much credit.

I thought you could handle it.

I thought you were a mature 12.

You had no business sticking your nose in

where it did not belong.

Well, I thought after all these years...

Well, you thought wrong.

I just don't get it.

You treat your only son that way.

If I had a wonderful son like R.J.,

I would never let him walk out of my life.

What do you know about having a son, huh?

I watched that kid grow up.

I put my whole life into that kid.

I thought I was going to see him get married

and have kids and...

How the hell could he turn out that way?

I did everything right.

And because you did everything right,

he turned out to be great.

You should be proud of him.

Oh, I would be...

except...

how can I be proud of...

you know.

Oh, Roy, you don't have to be proud of it,

but you can accept it.

What if I can't?

Well...

you haven't seen him for six years, right?

Have you missed him?

Of course I missed him.

Well, get used to it.

This is it.

This is it.

I got it.

Come on, Joe. Let's go.

What?

No!

No.

Sorry. Try again.

No. No.

Here you go, pal.

Compliments of the house.

Hey... I don't need your pity.

Helen, look what I won.

I'm sorry you didn't have such a good time.

I mean... between that insane birthday party

and the cab ride

and, well, my dad...

R.J., I know you grew up here,

so I'm only going to say this once

and then I'll drop it.

This is one screwy little sandbar.

That's okay.

No, I'll handle this.

Uh, you see?

Oh, look here. There's been a mistake.

There's no charge for these tickets.

No, thanks. We'll pay.

R.J., if he wants to pay, let him.

I said we'll pay.

R.J., you don't have to go.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Oh.

Because I was thinking if you didn't

we could, uh...

I mean, just because you...

I mean, you two are, uh...

you know...

doesn't have to ruin everything.

Dad, who are you kidding?

You're so ashamed of me and my life,

you can't even say the word out loud.

Come on, Luke.

Okay, you're gay.

My son is gay.

There is my gay son and his boyfriend.

He's gay too.

And I love him.

Well...

not the boyfriend.

I just met him.

But I understand he's very talented.

It's okay, Dad, I hear you.

No, no, it's not good enough.

No, no, I want to try and understand

about this whole gay thing.

I mean it. I mean it.

R.J., no... I do. I really do.

I know you do, Dad.

Thanks.

And happy birthday, Dad.

I'll tell you what's the matter with this country.

It's your politicians.

That's what's the matter with this country.

They're screwing everything up, I'll tell you.

And sports? Oh, man.

All those strikes.

Yeah, like they need all those millions

to run around some field in stretch pants

chasing a ball around.

I mean, give me a personal break, you know?

And as for religion, hey...