Original subtitles

Oh, no.

A chain letter.

Ah! I hate these stupid things.

Oh, I know.

I got one, too.

Oh, listen to this.

"Do not break the chain

"or bad things will happen to you.

"Mr. Juan Nunez of Lima, Peru,

"broke the chain, and 36 hours later,

"his teeth fell out,

"his body was covered in warts

and he exploded."

And it says you're supposed

to send out 20 of these, or this will happen to you.

What kind of moron falls for that?

And 20.

Oh, please!

Fay, you don't actually believe

this chain letter nonsense?

Oh, well, I don't know.

It says right here...

"This letter carries the power of the sun god Ra."

Oh, the sun god Ra.

The sun god Ra?

I spit on the sun god Ra. ( spits )

And on whoever sent me this letter.

Hey, guys.

Oh, I see you got my letter.

You sent this?

Well, thanks a lot.

You should be thanking me.

"Good things are guaranteed

to those who send this letter." Uh-huh.

My mom's roommate at the home sent one to me.

Nine hours later, she was able to recognize Jell-O.

Whatever you do, don't break the chain.

Ah! Here's what I think of your stupid chain letter.

Ow! Ow! Paper cut!

( chuckling )

You see? The bad luck is starting already.

I was kidding, Fay.

You're so gullible.

Hey, is there a pay phone in here?

Yeah, it's right over there.

Oh, thanks. I can't believe it.

I just plowed my truck into some poor guy's cab.

What do you mean

my cab will be in the shop for a month?

It's only a dented fender.

What water?

How did it get into the ocean?

Wh-What do you mean, these things happen?

Y-Yes, of course I would like you

to get the smell out.

Can you believe my luck?

Just one moment, Antonio.

Oh, my!

I just scratched off three Liberty Bells.

I won 50 bucks!

Thank you, Ra!

Ah! Please, Fay.

None of this has anything to do

with that stupid chain letter.

( chuckling ): Okay, pumpkin.

I'll see you tonight, huh?

Same time and same place. Oh...

Good-bye, sugar-lips.

Roy?

Huh?

You and her?

Yup. Ridiculous, isn't it?

But, uh... h-h-how?

Ra.

Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra!

(jet engine roaring above)

Well, hello.

Hello. What's your pleasure?

Well, gorgeous, a few years ago,

my answer might have been different,

but right now, I'd just like a cup of joe.

"A cup of joe." You only hear that in those old movies.

You make it sound like I'm ancient.

Oh, no, sir.

I didn't mean that at all.

No, I am ancient.

I just don't like the sound of it.

( chuckling ) I-I wonder by any chance,

would you have a phone book over there?

I sure do.

I'm trying to track down my grandchildren.

Haven't seen them in about 30 years.

And the truth is, I'm not even sure

they're still on the island.

Wow. 30 years.

What are their names?

Joey and Brian Hackett.

Oh, my God! Grandpa!

Which one are you, Joey or Brian?

I would have to say...

Mrs. Green...

in the library...

with a rope.

All right, now, your turn.

Let me see.

What's the wildest sex I've ever had?

I'd have to say...

Helen. Oh, get out of here.

Helen, Helen, Helen. You're so...

Hey. Whoa!

You'll never guess

who just walked in the terminal.

Mrs. Green?

No. I'm talking about your grandfather.

Gr-Grandpa Jack? Wh-What... wh...

I haven't seen him since I was about four.

I didn't even think he was still alive.

Well, he is, and he's right out there.

Oh, wow. I don't believe this.

What are we going to do?

What am I going to say to him?

We don't even know the guy.

Oh, what are you talking about?

He's your grandpa. Get out there.

Okay, but don't think that I'm going to get

all blubbery and emotional

just 'cause the guy's my grandfather.

Hi, Grandpa!

Uh, Brian... Not now!

Got my grandpa back. Brian.

You're back.

Brian... What?!

Wrong grandpa.

Okay, new security procedure.

You're clean.

Joey? Brian?

Uh... are you Jack Hackett?

That'd be me.

Hi, Grandpa!

Hi there, son.

Boy, really great.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, really swell.

What do you say

we take a little break now, huh?

Okay.

Well, this is, uh, quite a surprise.

After all these years, we'd just assumed you were d...

d-delayed.

Nope, I ain't delayed yet.

Well, come here and give your grandpa a hug.

Uh... Yeah, go on!

Go on and hug him!

Hug Grandpa.

Come on, Joe.

It's your grandpa. Well...

I don't blame him if he's not thrilled to see me.

Hell, I've been AWOL for 30 years.

I wouldn't blame him if he told me to hit the road.

Oh, we would never do that to you, Grandpa.

Easy there, big fella.

Love you.

Look, I...

Don't get me wrong.

It's, it's great that you're back.

It just might take me a little time before I...

What I mean is that I-I have a really busy schedule today.

Uh, I've got to take a flight in a few minutes,

so maybe later we could just sit...

( blubbering ): Oh, Grandpa!

So, there we are in the middle of the jungle,

these Zulu tribesmen charging,

weapons raised, war cries filling the air,

and I can't get that damn jeep started.

Wh-Wh-What'd you do next, Grandpa?

Just when I thought it was all over,

my guide, Dekempe, says some kind of a prayer

and suddenly, gloriously, that engine kicks over

and, man, I'm driving out of there like a bat out of hell.

And as soon as we're clear of that,

I said, "Dekempe, if you're this close to the big guy,

order us up a bottle of whiskey."

You kids'll have to excuse me.

I'm getting kind of bushed.

( all groaning )

But before I hit the sack,

I brought along a little something for the boys.

Presents! Presents!

I picked these up

the last time I swung through Singapore.

This is for you, Brian.

It's a noble warrior.

Joey, this is yours.

Wise chieftain.

Wow. This is great.

What do you say, boys?

Thank you. Thank you.

What are you still doing up?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

Brian and Joe's grandpa being here

got me thinking about our grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa Chappel.

Popcorn?

Oh, no, I really shouldn't.

3% fat-reduced.

Thank you.

What's the movie?

Oh, it's called Heart of the Jungle.

It's about this guy who goes into the jungle

in search of treasure. Mm.

Man ( on TV ): Damn jeep won't start. We're surrounded.

( starter cranking )

( engine starts )

Your prayers worked. It started.

( jeep engine revving )

Dekempe, if you're that close to the big guy,

order us up a bottle of whiskey.

Hmm. That sounds familiar.

Where have I heard that?

Oh, they rerun this movie all the time.

No, I don't think I've ever seen this.

Oh, my gosh.

That is what Grandpa said to his guide Dekempe

when they escaped the Zulus.

Wow, that's a coincidence.

What are the chances?

None. Zero. There are no chances.

Yeah, but Grandpa told us that story happened to him.

Well, Grandpa told us a lot of things happened to him.

What are you saying?

I think Grandpa's full of Dekempe.

FAY: Oh, my goodness!

Antonio, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

He broke the chain.

Oh, it had nothing to do with that.

I was driving in my rental car,

I swerved to avoid a squirrel, and my brakes locked.

Well, you know the little building

where Paul Revere used to make silver?

That's gone now.

Oh, Helen... Hey.

...what did Joe say when you told him about Grandpa?

Oh, I was going to tell him, but then I decided not to.

I mean, what's the difference?

He's a sweet old man,

and it's just a harmless story.

Well... okay, but

you know, I was thinking,

every story that he told us is from a movie.

Like the one about taking the steamboat down the Nile?

That's The African Queen.

And the one about pulling the scam on the mob guy?

That's The Sting.

Oh, not every story.

You're exaggerating.

Joe, an old army buddy and I

started with this single shrimp boat.

We built up a big company.

Forrest Gump.

Oh, hey, Antonio, I want you to meet

someone very special.

This is our grandfather, Jack Hackett. Antonio.

It's an honor, to meet you, sir.

The pleasure is all mine.

Why, you broke your sniffer, huh?

I got mine busted once in the ring.

Oh, man, you were a boxer, too?

I spent a few years in the fight game.

I was going to hang up the gloves,

then this big Russian killed a friend of mine.

Why, I-I had to show him who's boss.

( coughs ): Rocky IV.

So, how did you break your honker?

Ah, well, I...

I had a little run-in with a squirrel.

Squirrel that killed my brother.

Hey, Grandpa, want to see me fly the plane now?

No, wait a minute. Grandpa's going to teach me how to play pinochle.

No, no, no, no. He's coming with me flying. I asked him first.

No, he's coming with me. No, he's coming with me!

Boys, please.

How about this--

first I take the flight with Brian,

and then after we come back, why, Joey and I will play cards.

How about that?

All right.

Come on, Grandpa.

Let's get away from him.

Hey, um, Joe...

I need to talk to you for a minute.

What's up?

Well, it's about your grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa...

you know, I love the sound of that.

And he is such a cool guy.

He has been everywhere.

He's seen everything.

Yeah, I think he's seen everything twice.

It's so great to know that I have family.

You know, what with Mom running off,

Dad being in the nuthouse.

I can't tell you what it means to have him here.

So what were you going to tell me?

Oh, just that I'm happy for you.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Well, listen, when Grandpa gets home tonight,

get him to tell you about the time he was in Spain,

and he ran with the bulls.

Can you believe it? My grandpa ran with the bulls.

Oh, the bull's sure running all right.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm looking for an old picture

of Joe, Brian and Grandpa

so I can frame it

and give it to Joe for a present.

Oh, okay.

Oh, look, Grandpa Hackett

with Joe and Brian, aged two and four.

Wow.

Grandpa sure has changed.

I swear, he is a lot taller now than he was then.

Oh, you know what? Maybe he wears lifts.

My ex-husband Stuart did.

He's bald in this picture.

He has a full head of hair now.

Maybe he wears a toupee.

Stuart did.

I could swear his nose

is a lot bigger in this picture.

Oh, he probably had a nose job.

Stuart had one.

You know, I just had a very weird thought.

So did I.

Why the hell did I marry Stuart?

What if Grandpa is not really Grandpa?

What?! Oh, come on! That's crazy.

I mean, why would anyone pretend to be their grandfather?

I don't know.

Money.

Oh, yeah. That's probably it.

I'm sure he's after the great Hackett fortune.

No doubt he got wind of Joe's Indian head nickel collection.

All right, I don't know why someone would do this,

but in this picture, Grandpa has tattoos on both his arms,

so if this guy's the real Grandpa

then he'll have them, too.

Yeah, but how do we find out?

Simple. We just get him to take off his shirt.

Well, how are we going to do that?

I know.

We will get him a gift certificate at a tanning salon,

and while he's laying there

with those little cups on his eyes,

we'll pay off the attendant

sneak in there and peek at his arms.

( imitates Ricky Ricardo ): Gee, Lucy, you think we can pull it off?

Do you have a better idea

of how to get his shirt off?

There are my girls!

I just came down to thank you for a wonderful dinner

and say good night.

Well, good night.

Oh, no, no, no! Wait, Grandpa! What?

Um...

Casey and I were just talking

and...

It's laundry night.

Yeah! It's laundry night!

You girls are pretty easily excited, aren't you?

Well, I got a big pile up in my bedroom.

I'll be right down with it.

No, no, wait! What?

Because actually it's just...

shirt night.

Oh, just shirts.

Well, I'll go get a couple of them.

Oh, no, wait, Grandpa.

It's just...

plaid shirt night.

Okay, come on. Let's have it.

What, this shirt? I just put this thing on this morning.

It's fresh as a daisy.

Well, good night.

Uh, Grandpa? What?

Um...

In case you get thirsty during the night,

Casey, why don't you get him some grape juice.

GRANDPA: Oh. Grape juice?

Yeah, grape juice.

Good!

Oh, yeah.

( as Ricky ): Grape juice.

That's a good one.

Here you go.

( yells )

Oh, my.

That is a big mess.

Well, it's too bad this is just plaid shirt night.

Good night, girls.

Uh, Grandpa...

Huh?

Do you have any tattoos?

Tattoos?

I hate tattoos.

Never had one, wouldn't have one.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Yeah, good night...

whoever you are.

(gasps)

I know what you're thinking,

but it's nothing to do with the stupid chain letter, okay?

It's all perfectly normal.

A pack of wild dogs was chasing me.

I ran under a ladder

when a man happened to be painting a sign.

Antonio, are you missing an eyebrow?

Pilot light, oven, small flare-up.

Could happen to anyone.

Hey, did Grandpa come back yet?

Not yet.

Listen, I've been thinking about this.

Since Grandpa's decided to stay on the island, Yes.

he can come live with me and Helen while we finish our house.

Oh, no, oh, no, because when you move out,

then there'll be plenty of room for him to live with me.

Yeah, but I want him with me.

So do I.

You're not going to take him away from me.

Don't make me take you to court.

Oh, please. I'm married.

I have a stable home.

There is not a judge in this country

that will give Grandpa to you.

Joe, Brian, I need to talk to you.

Oh, hey, Helen, great news.

Grandpa's decided to stay on the island.

Yeah, and Helen, I was thinking he could come and live with us.

Oh, I don't think so.

Come on, Helen. He's family.

Oh, I don't think so.

Listen, I have stayed up all night

trying to think of a way to tell you guys this.

Tell us what?

He's not your grandfather.

What are you talking about?

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Grandpa. Hi, Grandpa.

Hi... there.

What, what shall we do with the rest of the day?

Maybe go fishing. Play a little pool, how about that?

I got a game we can play-- 20 questions.

I'll go first. Who are you?

Okay... Will you stop it.

Joe, I can't let this go on any longer.

I found a picture of your real grandfather,

and he ain't this guy.

Grandpa, I want to apologize for Helen.

No, you don't have to.

No, I want to...

She's right.

No, she's not.

Yes, she is.

I'm not your grandfather.

I just pretended to be.

What... what, are you out of your mind?

Well, yeah. That's about the size of it.

All righty-dighty, time to go now.

Hi, boys. I'm getting out of your way now.

Just a second. You're not going anywhere

without an explanation.

What in the world were you thinking?

Why did you pick us?

How do you even know about us?

Yeah, what were you after? Wait a minute.

Where's my Indian head nickel collection?

Hey, relax.

I'm only taking what I brought

except for the masks. They belong to you.

Well, you're not going anywhere

until you tell us who you are

and why you pretended to be Jack Hackett.

Oh, well, okay.

( sighs )

My name is Leonard Stanwyck.

Aha. So, that's what you were after--

a better name.

No, no.

I knew your dad.

How did you know our dad?

He and I were roomies in the loony bin.

He used to brag about you guys all the time.

It got to the point where

I-I knew the Hacketts so well, I felt like you were my family.

And since I don't have a family, why, when they let me out,

I just thought I'd come see you guys.

Wait a second. Back up.

They let you out?

Believe it or not, I'm much better now.

So, all those stories you told us about your life

weren't true?

Afraid not.

Not even the one about the great white whale?

The only thing I told you that was true

was that your father loved you

more than anything else in the world.

When he was lucid, he used to go on and on

about what great guys Brian and Joey were.

And these last couple of days,

I found out exactly how right he was.

Well...

that's nice to hear you say and all,

but... you deceived us, Leonard,

and we loved you like you were our real grandfather.

I know I was wrong

and I'm sorry if I hurt you guys,

but for once in my life,

I just wanted to be part of a family.

And for a couple of pretty great days there, I was.

Well, I'll be going now.

Wait a minute.

Did our dad really talk about us a lot?

All the time.

You and that colony of little people

that are living in the core of the earth.

I'll be going now.

Hey, hey, wait. Where are you going to go?

Well, I think I'll do a little traveling--

maybe see some of those places I talked about.

Well, um...

all right. Good luck to you.

We'll... we'll miss you.

Yeah.

Even though you're psychotic and delusional,

you're the closest thing to a grandpa we've ever had.

You really mean that?

Love you.

Yeah...

Oh, yeah. I got to go now.

I got to catch the ferry to Boston.

Ferry? Nothing doing, I'll fly you.

No, no, no, I will fly him.

No, I will fly him.

I will fly him. I will fly...

Boys, boys, we can all fly together.

Let's don't fight.

Sorry. Sorry.